Posts Tagged ‘Alyssa’s Ask Team Practical Fridays’

Dec 2011

Ask Team Practical: The End Of 2011

We have a *couple* more posts for you next week, as we wind our way toward the one vacation from blogging we get all year (squee, excitement, general jubilation from the APW staff). But before we completely wind to a close, obviously there is some time for a little reflecting, and tipsy toasting....

The end of the year. A time for reflection, preparation, introspection... Eh, screw that. Let's talk about how awesome we are!

I had a minor panic attack when I realized that we've been doing this Ask Team Practical column for over a year now, almost 14 months to the day! That's a long time in blog-land, y'all. Internet time runs like soap opera time; if our first ATP was a newborn on All My Children, it'd be a thrice-divorced doctor/lawyer/black widow by now. So yay for virtual longevity! And let's hope I didn't just jinx myself by saying that, because this is a sweet gig.

Let's talk about some of my favorite parts of 2011, in no particular order...

Weddings and Anniversaries

Okay, so it's not strictly Ask Team Practical, but it's still one of my favoritest parts of APW. I love being able to put faces with names, to cheer on almost-married ladies, to see anniversary buddies (What up, September ladies?!?) and to see all the shining happy faces in those anniversary photos. It's something that other wedding blogs don't have; the visual representation of the continuation of the journey that is marriage. One reader, who's been married for three years, asked if she shouldn't put in her anniversary photo so she could make room for those newer brides. The answer was a resounding "Hell No." You married ladies are the elders of this group, whether you've been married one year or ten. Besides. Y'all are all just so danged pretty.

Grab-bag Ask Team Practical posts

I love that we can cover three questions at a time with what we call (pro-tip: highly technical term coming up) grab-bag ATPs. Reader questions cover the gamut and it's nice to be able to group them together so more can get answered. It feels like old school Oprah, where she'd have multiple guests on in one hour. You know, before she owned the world and started to give away diamonds and condos. (Kidding, O! We love ya; I'm just waiting on the call for Meg's show on OWN.)

The Hiring of Kate

The addition of Kate filled me with happy. She's hysterically funny, taught me how to use an em dash, broke me of my two spaces post-period habit (mostly) and knows what I mean when I bitch about East Texas water and pine trees. Plus, she knows bow ties are cool.

Not being able to answer some questions

This wouldn't normally sound like a favorite, but hear me out. ATP is answered by me, with occasional help from the editorial stuff and final editing from Meg. We are not professionals, we just have an overabundance of sass and practicality. We're your sensible bestie, except you don't have to buy us drinks to get advice. (Wait. Why isn't that a prerequisite for answering an ATP? Meg! We are doing this all wrong.)

But, occasionally we get some heart-breaking questions, questions that we have absolutely no business attempting to answer. And unfortunately, we have to tell the reader we can't answer them and encourage them to talk to a professional. It's painful and I've cried over one or two, but it is absolutely necessary. The reason this is a positive, is that I'm proud to be working with a group of women who truly want to help, but know enough to step back when they can't or shouldn't. It breaks our hearts, but it's best for everyone.

Wordless Weddings

Okay, that's not ATP either, but go look! So much pretty, with a soundtrack. Consider it your (almost) weekly zen.

The Addition of Emily

Emily not only takes amazing photos, but she's an amazing lady with a crazy good head on her shoulders. She's helped Meg breathe a little easier on the business side of things, which in turns lets Meg write more. And we all know Meg writing more means, APW's influence spreads, which means that the site generates more revenue, and that means that eventually Meg will buy me a pony. Emily = Pony for Alyssa. Can't argue with that math. Continue reading Ask Team Practical: The End Of 2011

Posted in: Ask Team Practical | 62 Comments »

Dec 2011

Ask Team Practical: Embarassed to be a Bride

with Alyssa

I've never been the type to "want to get married." I don't feel like I have a maternal bone in my body and have never had the desire to have my own children. You can imagine my/everyone's surprise when I fell pregnant at 18 and decided to keep the baby. So fast forward 18 years. I'm pretty happy in my chosen career, my baby girl has grown into a beautiful, strong, capable, brilliant, clever, funny young woman and graduated high school with flying honours, and I am affianced to a fantastic guy that I've been with for 5 years. And want to marry. And schemed to marry, and cried in secret when he didn't ask me on my birthday last year. (I read Manya's story about that wanting to get married and laughed and laughed.) And then he asked, and that's where the problems started.

I just feel so embarrassed and awkward all the time. I feel like I can't talk about the wedding to anyone without playing its importance down. I have played the importance of my wedding down by keeping it as fuss free and cheap as possible. I felt embarrassed and awkward going into wedding dress shops (thank god for Ebay). I feel embarrassed saying I'm a bride. But at the same time I'm aware that awkwardness and embarrassment is seated in this terrible sense of loneliness. I'm not shy (I'm a singer and feel most comfortable on stage), but I hate the fuss and attention. I don't feel I deserve it, and it should be directed at someone more worthy. I feel like other people must be thinking that I'm too old for this?

I want to be able to embrace this as other people do. Why can't I embrace my inner bride? Where is she?? Why don't I fit in anywhere? I love my partner so much and want this commitment with him. But I'm hating everything and just feel depressed and lonely.

Awkward in Adelaide

Wedding planning is never what you think it will be. Never. So stop adding excess stress by worrying about what you should be feeling. You're gonna feel how you feel. Haven't you been reading APW, lady?!? Remember how we're throwing out all our shoulds and supposed tos? We've had brides who've had children before they were married, brides who've been married before, older brides (I'm not calling you out with a link, but I expect you to show yourselves in the comments, ladies...). Listen to these ladies and learn from them.

Or just listen to Meg from nearly two years ago today.

Ever worry that you don’t feel like a bride?

Here is why: you're not one.

The bride gig lasts for eight to twelve hours. It may not feel the way you expected, but trust me, you'll notice the feeling. And if you really pay attention, that one day of being a bride will be enough for a lifetime.

See? And know that however you feel during those eight to twelve hours? That is what a bride feels like. I can't answer why you feel like you don't deserve a wedding, but I can tell you that you are the only one who feels that way. Your partner is proud of you, your friends are happy for you and, hell, even strangers are happy for you. As they should be. What makes you a bride is the act of getting married. Cultural norms have made it seem like all brides are some fresh, dewy, young thing, but they are not. They come in all ages, shapes, sizes and personal backgrounds. You know this, I know you do. You wouldn't begrudge a friend who's your age the joy of being a giddy bride, so why are you doing it to yourself? How would you feel if your beautiful, strong, capable, brilliant, clever, funny daughter was making herself feel like you are?

Continue reading Ask Team Practical: Embarassed to be a Bride

Posted in: Ask Team Practical | 94 Comments »

Dec 2011

Ask Team Practical: Regretting Wedding Choices Mid-Planning

with Alyssa

When Jon proposed to me, I had a dream. (Okay, I had the dream when I was 12.) I dreamt that I would marry this wonderful, temperamental, totally-for-me guy on my Uncle Harry's farm in the early fall. Oh, there would be cider and pumpkins and my uncle's great big white farmhouse as the backdrop to my day. The dreaming was so lovely.

Then my dad and grandmom threatened to not come to my wedding because it was at my uncle's. Jon started to balk at the amount of work we'd have to do. I started to have guilt about spending a lot of money on my day when I have two kids and should be focused on their futures. I've never been married before, but I started to think I couldn't have the things that brides who "got it right" could have. So I made a deal with the devil (my lovable dad) and agreed that if I got married in a small ceremony and reception—like forty people small—he would not only pay for it but also would take me and my family to Disney World as a "family-moon."

I crumbled like week-old cake. Disney World with my two- and four-year-old AND my whole family? Disney World with the love of my life who has never been there? Oh, man, sign me up!

So we've spent a few months planning the ceremony at a small outside courtyard and a lunch reception at our favorite Irish eatery. So where does the regret come in?

I have a family that outnumbers some graduating classes (it sure beats mine!). As I read these lovely stories about other peoples' weddings and try everyday to convince myself that it only matters that Jon and I are getting married, I sink deeper and deeper into regret. I think of having a party later in the summer for our extended family, but then why not just have a big wedding? And how can I pick my top forty people when I always longed to spend my wedding day with my top 140?

~Kimberly

First, let's discuss this part of your letter. "I've never been married before, but I started to think I couldn't have the things that brides who 'got it right' could have." While I have my suspicions about what you mean by that, I definitely don't like it. You can have whatever you can afford and can make happen due to whatever circumstances that you have in life. That's it, end of story, thank you and good night. And who are these ladies who "got it right"? They'd probably disagree with you and give you a laundry list of things that they could do over. So start thinking of yourself as someone who's getting it right. Because you are. Having kids you love when you get married sure isn't getting it wrong, and if you need visual proof you can see pictures of weddings with kids, from blended and non-blended families over here. So if I even catch you whispering that to yourself again, you are so grounded!

Now. Not loving your wedding. APW ladies know a little bit about that. But not loving the wedding you're planning? That's similar, and possibly a better, situation to be in because you can try to adjust your thinking now. The problem isn't your wedding, it's the mind-set that you have to love every single thing about it in the first place. Planning for perfection is setting yourself up for heartbreak. And this includes going into planning thinking about the perfect wedding you could have had. There is nothing wrong with mourning previously open doors that are slammed in your face. The problem comes in when that mourning starts to affect your happiness about the chosen alternative.

Kimberly, your previously imagined wedding sounds lovely. But that's not your wedding. Your wedding is the wedding you chose to have due to family concerns, fiancé requests and an opportunity to do something wonderful for your family. (A FAMILY-moon?!? I loves it.) So let's talk about how to deal with that. Continue reading Ask Team Practical: Regretting Wedding Choices Mid-Planning

Posted in: Ask Team Practical | 85 Comments »

Nov 2011

Ask Team Practical: Choosing Between Relatives

with Alyssa

The relationship between my mom and my uncle has been on the rocks for some time, but right around the time of our engagement things were looking up. They had reconciled and our family was feeling a bit more whole for the first time in a while. My uncle and I have always been close, and one of the first decisions my fiancé and I made was to have him sing one of his original songs (he plays acoustic guitar and sings) as our first dance. Fast forward to almost a year and a half later, and some crappy actions on the part of both my mom and my uncle have left them not-so-much on speaking terms. It's pretty messy and raw between them at the moment, and since our wedding is only a few months away, I don't see it getting better any time soon. It's gotten to the point where my uncle has suggested that maybe it would be better if he just didn't come at all (which I kind of told him wasn't an option). I don't worry about them causing drama at the wedding, but I do worry that giving my uncle a special job at the wedding will upset my mother and cause her to have a bad time at the wedding. At the same time, I don't want to revoke the request to have him sing at our wedding and then regret it if/when they reconcile in the future. Am I being selfish for wanting to bestow wedding honors on both of them, ignoring the fact that they kind of hate each other right now?

Sincerely,

Stressed About YoYo-ing Uncle Not Crooning Like Expected

SAYUNCLE,

Your letter has a few hundred readers putting down their coffees and leaning closer to their screens right now. I hate it, but this situation happens more than it should and is awful for everyone involved. The best thing you can do is to navigate carefully; protect yourself and make sure that your wedding isn't being used as a chance for one family member to get back at another.

Whether it's warring parents, close family members or distant cousins, wedding tend to bring out the RAWR in relatives. One of the worst things you can say to someone is, "Well if ______ is going to be there, I'm not coming." Really? Because what you're really saying is that you can't be grown-up enough to behave yourself for six hours and think about someone other than yourself and your feuds. Unless there is criminal activity or severe emotional distress involved with a family member warranting the other person's absence, manipulating a bride or groom to choose is just plain childish and mean.

Which doesn't mean that it never occurs, nor does that mean that it'll resolve itself on its own. SAYUNCLE, your uncle is doing a very nice and noble thing for you, but in the long run it doesn't help anyone. You want him there and it sounds like you need him there—you're close and it would hurt you if he wasn't at your wedding. If he doesn't come to your wedding, two things can happen. If he's being vindictive, he gets to be the martyr in the situation and bring his bowing out of your wedding up in future fights with your mother. If he's actually trying to help, he's hurting himself by not being present in an important milestone in your life. A few things can also happen if your mom finds out he's removing himself: she can feel guilty about it and try to mend fences, she can feel guilty about it and resentful of your uncle for making her feel that way, or she can not feel guilty about it but become even more angry at your uncle for making you sad with his absence. Or all of these feelings and reactions could occur at once because we humans are a tricky little bunch with our multiple motives and feelings and whatnot.

What you need to decide is what's best for you. If you need your uncle there, tell him you appreciate his gesture but you're rejecting it and he needs to start tuning up that guitar. He might protest or use this as an excuse to get some mom-bashing in, but steer the conversation back to your wedding and how much you need him there. Reassure him that everything will be fine and make him promise he'll be on his best behavior. And don't let it turn into a "I will if she will," conversation. His actions are independent of hers and retaliation will only hurt you the most. (Does this sound like you're talking to a child? Hmmm... family. Do all of this respectfully, but firmly. Their behavior may seem childish, but your relatives still deserve the respect they've earned from you.) Continue reading Ask Team Practical: Choosing Between Relatives

Posted in: Ask Team Practical, Friends & Relations | 33 Comments »

Nov 2011

Ask Team Practical: Small Weddings, the Other Side of the Coin

with Alyssa

I had a very close friend and former-roommate get reunited with an ex-boyfriend, engaged to the boyfriend, and married to the boyfriend in the span of seven months. I fully expected to be on board on The Big Day, to support my friend in entering a new world, to embarrass her conservative values with a penis-themed bachelorette party, to watch her exchange vows and to generally be the friend I have always been. But I wasn't invited, and neither were lots of friends who would have loved to attend (for totally legitimate reasons, and I don't feel especially singled out or anything unfair—it was simply their choice to have a very small event on a very short timeline in another state).

But still! It really stings that after all we went through together as friends over this boy, I didn't get to be there for the conclusion of their dating life. It feels like someone ripped the climax out of a really good book and left the entirely unsatisfying last page.

How do I make up for this sense of loss of not getting to participate? Do I just put on my big girl panties and act like it's all okay? Do I confront her about it and make her feel bad for making me feel bad? Do I simply remember this feeling when it's finally my turn and invite everyone I ever met? I want to be genuinely and un-distractedly happy for her when I see my old friend, the new Mrs.

~Suddenly A Downer; Bummer Friend Forgotten

SAD BFF, let's look at this from a different angle, just for fun. You with me? Of course you're with me:

Dear APW,

I recently reconnected with my ex-boyfriend and found out that we'd both changed in wild and wonderful ways. The sparks flew, as did our clothes, until we realized that we couldn't do without each other. In a whirlwind fashion (that is so not like conservative me!!) we reunited, got engaged and got married all within a span of seven months. I know it didn't appeal to a lot of people, especially my friends, but we really didn't want to waste any more time that we'd lost while being broken up. We decided to have a very small wedding in my husband's hometown for a variety of reasons; some of which were due to budget constraints, the location and the very short timeline we decided on.

We were thrilled to pieces with our wedding, but apparently some of our friends were not. We did not single anyone out and tried to be as fair as possible about the guest list, but I feel that some of them don't understand why they were not invited. I know feelings were hurt, but it wasn't that we tried to exclude anyone; our small wedding ended up being the best thing for us. How do I make them understand that our friendship isn't contingent on the invitation to our wedding and that I still adore them as much as I ever did?

~Suddenly Apparently a Downer; Bad Feeling Friend

Original SAD BFF, do you see what I'm getting at? I do feel really badly for you; it is very disappointing to not be included in a close friend's wedding, but it's a disappointment you're going to have to weather. If you confronted your friend about it, what answer could she possibly give you that would make you feel okay? (Besides, you shouldn't ever make someone feel bad if they made you feel bad. The moral high ground has a lovely view...) Your hurt is understandable, but cluing her into it won't elicit anything further than an apology, followed by justifications on why they had the wedding they did and then a long uncomfortable evening.

There's also the option that something way beyond her control kept her from inviting the people she wanted to and she already feels pretty bad about it. There are plenty of us who wish we had a do-over with certain aspects of our wedding and I bet 90% of us would include the guest list in that list. It's a tough thing, planning a wedding, and the last thing you need to hear as a newlywed is how you did it wrong.

And, um, point of order—who says the story is over?!? Continue reading Ask Team Practical: Small Weddings, the Other Side of the Coin

Posted in: Ask Team Practical | 109 Comments »

Nov 2011

Ask Team Practical: Women Proposing To Men

with Alyssa

My boyfriend and I have been together for eight years and have talked about getting married several times. We're completely committed to each other and we've both agreed that we see ourselves together and married in the long term. After reading an APW post on proposing to your boyfriend and conquering my nervousness, I decided that's what I wanted to do. Hooray, right?

About seven months ago, however, he got a serious injury. He is expected to recover fully, but it has been a difficult half year full of doctors' appointments, physical therapy, chiropractors, more doctors' appointments, and so on, and it isn't over yet. Progress is slow, and it has taken a toll on his mental health. I wouldn't say he's full-on depressed, but it has made him prone to some serious blue and anxious spells, and all of his (and much of my) energy is focused on this issue right now.

During a period of time in this ongoing recovery when he was feeling a bit better, I approached an artist about creating an original piece of work where the proposal is embedded. The final product isn't done yet, but I expect it will be within a few weeks. My original intention was to propose around our anniversary, which is now within a month. My question is, is this a terrible time to do this?

One the one hand, of course I wish he was feeling better and more himself and that our life was more its normal self. I hate the idea of asking him and having it be overwhelming given everything else that he's dealing with. On the other, I'm excited about this and—especially without knowing how long a full recovery will take—dislike the idea of waiting indefinitely. Is this selfish?

My dear M,

Wanting to be happy is never selfish unless it is at the expense of anyone else involved. Just the mere act of you asking that question and considering your boyfriend's feelings makes you not selfish, so let's just get that little piece of self-loathing out of the way right now, shall we? Good. Now on to the question.

Society uses The Proposal as the benchmark for engagement. This means that there is the culturally sanctioned comfort in knowing that when one of you proposes with The Ring, you will be engaged (squee!). Add to that the fact that waiting for the Official Moment of Engagement can be, well, full of emotional turmoil, and you have a recipe pushing you towards getting engaged NOW NOW NOW. Here is the trick though: being engaged does end the "limbo" of pre-engagement, but it also puts you into the limbo of an engaged couple, which can be a thousand times better, but worse in its own way. (Funny how that works.) So, before you do anything else, take a moment to confirm that you want to get engaged because you want to get engaged, not because you think it will solve all your problems (pro-tip: it won't).

Now, let's move on to the fact that you (and all of us) are a feisty, kick-asstastic, barrier-breaking woman, and you (in particular) are saying "Eff convention, I'll propose instead!" This is excellent. We applaud you (fact: the APW staff is actually giving you a standing ovation). The thing is, deciding to propose throws you into a whole mess of other emotions and insecurities, the bulk of which, as any man or LGBTQ partner who's proposed can tell you, is nerve-wracking. And of course, this is totally normal. This is what men-who-traditionally-propose have gone through since the dawn of time. And the great thing about women having more power over our lives, is that we also have more responsibility and worry. I say that's a great thing, but it also sort of sucks. Tricky.

I wish I could come up with advice for you and all the other brave ladies who are proposing, but this is one of the most personal decisions you'll ever make. So the simple truth is, there is no answer I can give you other than ponder it with your head and your heart, and then go with your gut. (And re-read this post on women proposing to men.) Remember: there is no one good time to propose. You just have to trust yourself and your relationship, and then make that giant wonderful leap. Hell, there's no reason either one of you has to propose at all; you are engaged when you both decide that you are engaged. APW is full of people who got engaged with make-shift rings, off-hand comments and engagement puppies. They are proof that engagements, like wedding, come in all shapes and sizes, and all of them are right and wonderful.

However, if you want a proposal, do yourself and your partner a favor and realize that the moment may not be what you imagine it to be. Yes, you want it to be special, but, darlin', the moment you decide that you are engaged is special—whether there's doves and violins and sunsets and mariachi bands, or a conversation in a grim room at a hospital. A proposal can even go terribly awry and still be amazing because OH MY GOD, YOU'RE ENGAGED!!!

But in the end, regardless of when you propose, or if you do at all, the both of you should think about going to counseling. Even if you haven't had any marriage talks, have you had talks regarding your future in general since the accident? Your life may never be its "normal self" again, and you both may need to mourn that. A healing body takes a lot out of a person and makes it harder for an injured or sick person to feel anything but "I wish I were better." Any kind of illness has long reaching effects and it's best to talk to someone while your partner is having his blue spells and before he gets "full-on depressed."

But if you do propose, you will come back and let us be your cheering section, right? Because we really want that. Good luck, lady. We're with you in spirit.

******

So what do you think, Team Practical? How do you decide on when to propose?

Photo of reader Emily's wedding by Rima Campbell Photography from the APW Flickr stream.

If you would like to ask Team Practical a question please don't be shy! You can email Alyssa at: askteampractical [at] apracticalwedding [dot] com. If you would prefer to not be named, anonymous questions are also accepted. Though we prefer if you make up a totally ridiculous sign-off like conflicted and rageful but deeply in love in Detroit (CARBDILID, duh). We're not kidding. It brings us joy. What, you don't want to bring your editors JOY?!

Posted in: Ask Team Practical, Engagements & Proposals | 51 Comments »