Posts Tagged ‘Alyssa’s Ask Team Practical Fridays’

Oct 2010

Alright ladies. It’s finally here. Alyssa’s Ask Team Practical Friday column. Do you like how I put her picture up there on the left, like she was Dear Abby? Yeah, she totally didn’t know I was going to do that. Sucker! Plus, now she probably wants to fly to San Francisco so she can take author pictures with Lauren and me. So I figure I’ll just keep running this picture till she caves under my pressure. Mwa-hahahaha. Ha. So, I’m thrilled to bring you Alyssa, helping APW-ers crowd source answers to their questions since…. NOW.

Two questions came to APW recently, both regarding not having alcohol at your wedding. First, Court:

“Here’s my question – have you ever had a wedding graduate who (either the bride or groom or both) are in recovery, so it was an alcohol-free wedding, reception (rehearsal, everything)? Before Grant went through treatment at the beginning of 2009, I would have thought going to a wedding without alcohol would be horrible and, if I’m being honest, would have judged it. I didn’t understand addiction, and didn’t understand why the person in recovery couldn’t be around alcohol. As it has been put to me now, which I do understand is “if you go to the barber shop long enough, you’re gonna leave with a haircut.” The important thing is for Grant to stay in recovery.

We love our new lives here. We are so excited to get married, and stay on this path to being happy and healthy. I’m wondering how to explain to people that it will be a dry wedding weekend, and how that is not the point. That Grant and I found each other, that we are making it in a relationship with his disease (addiction) and my disease (depression), and that we want to keep doing it every day – that’s the point.”

Amanda also had the same question:

“My fiance & I are getting married in the fall (wheeee!) and are having a full dinner & dance reception after our ceremony. We are not, however, serving any alcohol. While we both enjoy a bevvie (especially when dancing!), we chose to have a dry wedding to respect our MOH and a groomsman who both cannot drink due to medication requirements. Also, there is a single cousin on both sides who tends to become a mean drunk.

Rather than alcoholic beverages, we are serving Martinelli’s Sparkling Apple Cider, sparkling water, and a signature punch (from a champagne fountain, no less). There will be wine glasses to drink from, and no lack of garnish. In other words, a classy & very “us” beverage selection; one that just happens to also be non-alcoholic.

My dilemma is this: everyone keeps referring to the alcohol that they are assuming will be served. “It doesn’t matter what songs are played, but more which liquor is served!”; “I can’t wait to get sloppy and find the single guys”; and the list goes on…

Should I tell people upfront that liquor will not be served? If so, do I provide the (rather personal) reason for this? Or do I just let people travel 800+ KM to our wedding and chance them being disappointed? Really – if someone would choose not to attend my wedding due to no liquor, they aren’t a good friend of mine. That said, I don’t feel the need to run around telling people the wedding will be dry (as that is SO not the focus of the day!). So I am stuck. Suggestions?? Advice??”

The short answer is, “Eff ‘em. If they need booze to have a good time, then they have bigger problems than not enjoying your wedding.”

ANND…done. Go Team Practical!

What? You want more?

Continue reading Ask Team Practical: Sober Weddings

Posted in: Ask Team Practical | 298 Comments »

Oct 2010

Ask Team Practical: Thank You Notes with their Own Anniversary Date

with Alyssa

It’s Friday, so you know what that means! It’s Ask Team Practical day with Alyssa. Last week she wrote about sober weddings, because she wanted to start out with a softball, and ‘what was there to debate?’ Almost 300 comments later, I think I owe her a bottle of Bourbon. Today she’s doing thank you notes, and we’ll see if that proves to be explosive or not. And she thought this job was going to be easy! Ha! Today’s question is from Maddie, who I’m awfully fond of. You’ll remember her from her lazy & cheap wedding. And now, Alyssa:

Here is Maddie’s question:

So I have a confession to make. I am really REALLY *REALLY* bad at writing thank-you notes and it’s now officially past the one year mark since our wedding without having sent them. On the one hand I am wrecked with guilt because I know I’m supposed to send them out. On the other hand, I’ve gone out of my way to personally thank those few people who really helped us out to make our day special and am feeling a little less bad.

But those guys who came to our wedding, celebrated, and bought us a gift have nothing to show for it and I’m not sure what to do. Is it too late to send them? Can I even AFFORD 150 thank-yous with postage? I need your ever wise advice so that I can not feel like a total jerk every time I see my Nana (not that it’s not deserved).

What do I do?

Yes m’am, you do have to write them.

And I’m gonna refute every reason you have for not writing them until you do. **

But Alyssa, it’s been a year and I feel silly!

Well yeah, I get that. But there is no statute of limitations on thank you’s. If you were grateful then, you’re still grateful now and they deserve to hear that.

But I wasn’t grateful for the [BLANK].

But you’re appreciative of the gesture, and that’s what you’re thanking them for. Even if the gift is still sitting in your closet.

But I’m NOT appreciative of the gesture; I didn’t want a gift in the first place!

Don’t make me call your mother.

But the cost to get cards and mail 150 invites is a lot.

Nope. 150 stamps are $66.00 and you can get a 50 pack of vaguely cute thank you cards from Target for like $9.99, which bring you to a grand total of $95.97.

I bet your bouquet at the wedding cost more than that.

It did not.

Hush, sweetie, I’m making a point. Continue reading Ask Team Practical: Thank You Notes with their Own Anniversary Date

Posted in: Ask Team Practical, Planning, Planning, Tradition | 277 Comments »

Oct 2010

Ask Team Practical: Honoring Lost Loved Ones

with Alyssa

It’s Friday, so you know what that means! It’s Ask Team Practical with Alyssa. We kicked off this series with the two easiest, least controversial posts we could think of – sober weddings and thank you notes. What was there to discuss, we said? Well, lots, apparently. 300 comments worth of lots, both times. So now that Alyssa has had her trial by fire, we’re kicking it up a notch. Today we’re tackling honoring a loved one at your wedding. Which. We’ll see how it goes. I suspect you’ll have a lot of wise things to say.

APW is an important community because we readers support each other. Even when we disagree, we’re there to lend a hand when needed. Meg wanted to start Ask Team Practical in order to provide an even bigger outlet for that support system, but we both knew that there would be questions that neither she nor I would be able to provide enough of an answer for, and today is one of those days.

J. and Renee both wrote in regarding honoring a loved one who has passed in your wedding ceremony or reception, and we thought tackling this after Tina’s heartbreakingly eloquent post yesterday was perfect timing. J. is a wedding planner and she and her two other siblings tragically lost their sister three years ago.

“While I am not currently engaged, I want to begin thinking about creative unique ways to include the memory of her in my wedding party/ceremony. She was my best friend and would have been my maid of honor.”

Renee and her fiancé both lost a parent early.

“My father died of cancer 4 years ago, about a year before he and I met. One of the many things that was hard to reconcile during my dad’s illness and after he died was the knowledge that my dad wouldn’t be there at my wedding, wouldn’t be able to meet my children, you get the idea. My fiancé has also lost a parent, his mother, who died of cancer when he was just a little baby. So of course he wishes his mother could be there, but he doesn’t remember her at all and does not dwell on it. He understands when I have my sad moments at weddings, but we don’t want me to be sad at OUR wedding. I want to find a way to honor both my father and his mother, without it being something that I have to actively *do* on my wedding day. ”

These questions are way bigger than me and something I can’t answer with any sense of authority. However, reader Morgan (who wrote this beautiful post on weddings in the face of death) and Tina are more than qualified to offer up some advice.

Morgan offers up this:

First and foremost, your wedding day should be a day of joy, of celebration. It’s not a day of memorial, or a wake, and I think it’s important not to let sadness* or memorial activities fall too heavily on the day. Remember those who you have lost, but do not let them become more important than the wedding. I have every day to miss my father (and my grandparents and so on) but only one day to get married. Continue reading Ask Team Practical: Honoring Lost Loved Ones

Posted in: Ask Team Practical, Friends & Relations, The Hard Stuff | 126 Comments »

Nov 2010

Ask Team Practical: Bilingual Weddings

with Alyssa

So it’s Friday, and you know what that means! It’s Ask Team Practical with Alyssa. By now you guys already know the drill and are like, blah, blah, blah Meg. I’ve got my shot of Friday morning celebratory bourbon and my keyboard, and I’m ready to DISCUSS. Let’s move this thing along. So, fresh off of yesterdays beautiful tri-cultural, tri-lingual wedding, we’re discussing bi (and tri) lingual weddings and how to plan for them. Take it away Alyssa:

Today’s question is from Chantelle, who is planning a wedding in Italy.

So, here’s my query, my fiance and I are planning a small wedding in his tiny hometown village in Italy, his side of the family is Italian and speak no English, for real. We hope to have a fair bit of our friends and family from this side of the world (Toronto, Canada) join us for our wedding. I definitely want to craft a ceremony that is unique to us, and am trying to deal with the language dilemma. I don’t want to alienate either side, but as our languages are primarily English it makes the most sense to have the ceremony run in English. I’ve thought about having programs that have everything translated, or repeating things in Italian after English. It just seems like it will make everything long and tedious and may lose the meaning behind our numerous readings etc. Our officiant (a close friend of ours) does not speak Italian either and would have to spend a lot of time learning correct Italian pronunciation.

Thoughts?

My first initial thought? “OMG, can I be you so I can go to Italy?!?”

But that’s not helpful, so let’s continue. Continue reading Ask Team Practical: Bilingual Weddings

Posted in: Ask Team Practical | 80 Comments »

Nov 2010

Ask Team Practical: The Pre-Nuptial Agreement

with Alyssa

Heyyyyy! It’s Friday, so that means Ask Team Practical with Alyssa. As you know, we’ve been discussing money and the ways it impacts our relationships all week. We started with my post about externally imposed martyrdom, and fighting the urge to nail yourself to a cross. Then we talked about grand married adventures. Then we dove into engagement rings, and what they do and don’t mean. Yesterday was the kicker, with Sara discussing how difficult it is to give up your financial independence as a wife. It’s a nice run, but we couldn’t really end it without discussing what is perhaps the most taboo subject in wedding media: the pre-nuptial agreement. So today we have Team Practical member K, with words about pre-nups so wise, that every single person is going to learn something. Take it away Alyssa:

Most of the reason that Meg brought me on was to help wade through the TONS of mail that she gets on a daily basis. In the midst of the praise, criticism, mean emails and spam that she receives, there are gems like K’s question. She wrote back in July about needing advice regarding pre-nups. Pre-nuptial agreements are part of that scary big “Stuff You Have No Idea How to Deal With Until You Have To,” section of life, so Meg definitely wanted to tackle it.

When I wrote K back to see if she had further thoughts that we could put in a post, not only did she write back with more information but she wrote it so well that we’re just going to post her email here.

Here’s K’s very personal but very wise feelings on pre-nuptial agreements. I suggest you read it even if you’re not getting one, because everyone at APW got wide eyed and nod-y when they read it, and we all told our husbands they didn’t have enough cash to even whisper the word pre-nup (ok, that was actually Meg. She’s sort of a hard-*ss when it comes to money). So. Read on:

Iam a pretty average bride-to-be who is in the midst of having to deal with a pre-nup. I’ve been handling it ok for the most part but I was just searching through your site hoping to find some words of wisdom for navigating the pre-nup process with a sane head. I never ever thought I would be in the position to HAVE to have a pre-nup – ever…but my fiance’s family has a trust that he’s an equal partner in and they want to protect it from any spouses, should a divorce come along. Since it really has more to do with family money, money that isn’t mine, isn’t his, isn’t ours, I really have no problem signing something saying I won’t bankrupt the family if we go through a divorce – it’s not ours to begin with and if it helps us to live a more comfortable life I am nothing but grateful.

Sounds like I have a pretty good perspective of the situation right? Well, I knew it was coming, and am grateful that it is happening now rather than the week of the wedding, but the reality of the process is not as arms-lengthy as I had hoped.

A part of the process is claiming all of our assets and what happens to them based on how long we are together. I mean, I really honestly don’t give a sh*t about his CD’s or 401K’s – really, I’m a big girl and have been independent for a long time. We live a pretty frugal life and we’re financially stable – but then why does it hurt my feelings so much to hear him say things like, “Well, if we are married less than 5 years and I die I want half of my money to go to my brother.”

I really don’t think it’s the money, but it’s that it makes this union – this combining of assets and moving forward as a team – seem like a little bit of a facade, like if we are getting married he should already know and trust me to do the right thing with his assets especially if we discuss it. And I guess I feel like our union as husband and wife should feel like the most precious of his relationships – why wouldn’t he want to take care of me even after he’s gone – god forbid? He only loves me so much now, but will he love me more after 5 years, but not quite as much as he will after 15 years or if we have children? See what I mean? All of these different thoughts and feelings are spinning around and I’m having a hard time keeping my emotions out of it. It’s such a personal topic that friends aren’t always the best to go to for advice… and my folks are such Wisconsin hippies that while they are supportive, they really cannot relate or offer any guidance, so APW – you’re my only hope! Any words of wisdom?

We, unfortunately did not get to K’s question in time. Plus, we had no idea what we were talking about, so it’s just as well. So now with some distance and thoughtfulness, K is her own informant, and hopefully the informant for others going through similar situations.

Here is some info about my pre-nup situation after the fact. When it came down to it my worst fears came true, I was on a boat two days before my wedding with my now husband and we were stuck below in tears on conference calls with our lawyers rather than enjoying our friends and family who were there to celebrate with us. It sucked.

Here is how the situation broke down: Continue reading Ask Team Practical: The Pre-Nuptial Agreement

Posted in: Ask Team Practical, Engagements & Proposals, The Hard Stuff | 158 Comments »

Dec 2010

Ask Team Practical: The Loneliest Bride

with Alyssa

It’s Friday, and you know what that means: Alyssa’s Ask Team Practical Friday. Today’s post is about feeling isolated and alone while wedding planning, and I’m going to go out on a limb and say this is more common than not. No matter how much you read about best girlfriends and bridal brigades, modern wedding planning is a long (longer than it should be, if you ask me, but that’s a different post) endeavor, and it’s an individual one. And for all the moments of joy – the amazing book shower, the crazy fantastic shooting range bachelorette, there are long slogs of loneliness. I fear that what we’ve gained in personalized wedding style, we’ve lost in a community of women, grandmas and moms and mothers in law and sisters and girlfriends, pulling us through. So thank God for the virtual sisterhood, right? And with that, I give you Alyssa:

Today’s post is not only a great title for a country song, but a very common issue. How can you be in the midst of planning an event that bonds you to someone for forever, but feel completely alone? Here’s Kim.

Planning your wedding is supposed to be such a happy time when you’re surrounded by friends and family who will do anything to help you and support you. I’ve felt theoretically supported by everyone but I’ve also felt terribly lonely. My fiance has a million friends who will, and have already, bend over backwards for him. I have my small group of best friends, 6-7 of them, but many aren’t local, can’t offer their time to me, and are busy with other things. Don’t get me wrong, they are great friends I just can’t expect a lot from them for various reasons.

I know I made the right choices with my bridal party. These are people who have known me basically my whole life. I want them there by my side on my wedding day. And I’ve made peace with the fact that this group will probably only do just that. I’m alright not asking them to go above and beyond, delineating between wedding party duties and helping me with the wedding duties. I know these tasks don’t have to be done by the same group of people.

My mom called me this past weekend to talk about my bridal shower and at the end of our conversation I just sat and cried. I wish she didn’t have to plan the whole thing, I wish I had the typical bridal party of like 6 best friends who still see each other every week and have girl’s nights, who were there for me to do wedding stuff whenever I needed them. But I don’t. I love my bridal party but they just aren’t typical in that way. The reality is that we’ve all grown up and moved apart and moved on. Maybe I’m mourning that. I worry that all of my acquaintances and lady-friends-through-my-fiance who I invite to the showers and bachelorette party won’t show up. That it will be lame, unattended, and it will make me feel awful.

I guess I’m feeling lonely because I have been, and am going to continue to do a lot of the bridey things by myself. I’m planning my own bachelorette, my own showers (in MA and NJ), and just pray that everyone I invite shows up. I’ve always been a person who does things by myself because then they are done correctly and by my own terms. But, to my own fault, it does make me feel alienated and alone a lot of the time. I’m ok with this in my everyday life and my work life, but I don’t want to be a bridal island. I need support and encouragement and enthusiasm. Don’t get me wrong, my fiance is my biggest cheerleader. He’s my best friend and best thing in my life. But I feel even lonelier when he says he’ll take care of everything. Like I’m even sadder and more pathetic for it somehow. That I’ll get married and only have him in my life, no friends left, and I would have done that to myself.

I know this is heavy. You and the whole APW community tackles issues that actually matter, like this one, so I hope to not burden you but just reach out for advice. Thanks for listening.

You know, Kim, what’s funny is that you’re definitely not alone in feeling like a lonely bride. Lauren mentioned this, and several readers made remarks about how being The Bride turned into a more sad and solitary role than they expected. I want to get to that, but first, do something for me. We’re gonna have to stop with these “supposed to’s.” They are examples of people’s experiences, but none of them are how it’s “supposed” to be. Do not let your expectation of your wedding experience ruin the actual experience, okay sweetie? Okay. Continue reading Ask Team Practical: The Loneliest Bride

Posted in: Ask Team Practical, Friends & Relations, Planning, Planning, The Hard Stuff | 264 Comments »