Posts Tagged ‘elopement’

Feb 2012

You guys know me. If there is anything I like, it's Devil's Advocate arguments. (I was an all star parliamentary debater in High School. I know you're not surprised.) So when we decided to explore the "Why wedding?" question, you knew we were going to talk about not having a wedding (because you're waiting). Which means that today we had to explore deciding not to wait any longer. Today's post is about deciding to sign the paperwork at city hall and having that quickly turn into a lovely little wedding (with the big wedding yet to come). So I'm thrilled to bring you Laura, showing us how simple is sometimes exactly what we need.

*Laura, Stay-at-Home Mom & Matt, Merchandising*

It wasn't supposed to be a wedding. We had decided on a quick, casual elopement at city hall to be followed six months later by a real wedding. That was the plan. But here in Oregon you have to wait three days after you get the marriage license before you can actually get married. Also, you have to have at least two adult witnesses. So we called a couple friends, and the whole thing snowballed into a quick, casual, lovely and meaningful wedding.

Let me back up a little; I spent years in the pre-engaged state. During this time I browsed around, found APW (thanks Meg!), bookmarked things I liked, and made lists. Oh so many lists. I thought I was totally prepared for the whole wedding thing. But my guy just wasn't ready. He was afraid something would go wrong. He was waiting for his ducks to line up in a neat little row. But we all know how wily ducks can be, and I got tired of waiting. After many difficult, emotional conversations (more tears than laughter, but some of each) we agreed that in fact we had already made the commitment we thought marriage symbolized. We just hadn't made it official.

Once we acknowledged that our life together had already begun (seriously, our daughter just turned eight), there were no more reasons to wait. We knew we wanted a wedding. A celebration with family and friends, yummy food, a pretty dress for me, all that jazz. But that takes time to plan, and we wanted to get the taxes and health insurance and other totally practical stuff sorted out now. So we went down to the county office of records and got a marriage license.

Then I called my best friend, D—she would be home from grad school in a couple days so could we wait until she could be there as a witness? Sure. And it turned out that her mom is a non-denominational wedding celebrant. She was available and offered to officiate for free. Yes please! We called a couple more friends, who just happened to have the day off (on a Wednesday), did we want them to join us? Totally!

We told a total of about ten people about the elopement, and to each one we said the same thing; “It's not a real wedding, we're just getting the paperwork out of the way. You don't have to come, but we would totally like to see you.” They all wanted to be there, and they seemed more excited than we were. What's so exciting about paperwork?

Then I started talking to Tami, our celebrant, about what we would say. She doesn't have a stock ceremony that she uses, and we didn't want to do the traditional “have and hold” thing. It just doesn't speak to us. But we had to say something. So we went back and forth with ideas and editing; she suggested we include our daughter, I mentioned that I liked the idea of hand-fasting... and instead of just paperwork we ended up with an actual ceremony. One that represented our values and commitment.

Continue reading Wedding (Half) Graduates: Laura & Matt

Posted in: Wedding Graduates | 46 Comments »

Nov 2011

Wedding Graduates: Brittany & Nick Elope (Sort of)

We started this week with Manya's story about how crazy waiting to get engaged can make you and how you can be redeemed with your actions. So it only seemed right to follow that up with Brittany & Nick's story about how planning a wedding was making them crazy... and how they chose to let go of it all, and have a teeny tiny wedding where they followed their hearts and were surrounded by love.

Planning a wedding is like eating pancakes. Initially you’re super stoked—it’s gonna be so great, I love pancakes! There’ll be all these adornments—pecans and bananas and syrup and butter. Glorious! But a few pancakes in you’re sick and f’ing tired of pancakes… but you’ve already committed. So you feel like you have to finish the pancakes you’ve already started, and if you do, by the end you’re like EFF—I never liked pancakes in the first place! I’m never eating pancakes again! I don’t want to see another pancake recipe as long as I live. I might vomit. But what happens if you scrap the pancakes halfway in and decide to have an omelet instead?

Before I knew it, I was knee deep in pancake batter and there was no eating my way out. Nick and I, in a failed attempt to appease the masses, staked our claim on a moderately sized and well-antiqued bed and breakfast in the Blue Ridge Mountains. We hired string musicians, debated hors d’oeuvres, researched flowers, types of paper and invitations (embossed or just plain print? Will I be judged for cutting that God-Forsaken corner?), and all sorts of other sh*t that neither of us had ever cared about before. We were swept away in a monsoon of half-a*sed concessions and sacrifices we swore we’d never make.

And then one lovely December afternoon, a request for a deposit came. Our venue wanted their cash to reserve the date, as it was merely five months away. It was timely, yet for some guttural reason unexpected. And with that brief three-lined email, my wedding-world-façade came crashing down. It was met with panic and hesitation. This would be the commitment to a wedding event that we didn’t want. I had been so sure, so committed to this pancake extravaganza we were cooking up. When in reality, we were egg people all along.

So I called my family. I told them we were eloping but they were most certainly invited. It would be in Savannah, Georgia over my Spring Break. Why Savannah? Why not. Why Spring Break? Because what else do you do Spring Break your senior year of college? And Nick did the same. They applauded our honesty and stood by our decision.

As for the rest of our wedding planning—it was cake (ha!). It consisted of picking flower colors, cake flavors, type of champagne and time of ceremony—all left up to my most wonderful partner Nick. There was one thing from the original plans we didn’t scrap—the photographers. We needed someone who would capture the day as we experienced it, and seeing as there would be few witnesses, this became even more of a priority. And we were so not disappointed by that decision! The photographers were two lovely ladies we found on APW who were equally as excited about the prospect of our elopement and were quickly onboard with the new plan.

Some people might have an aversion to a pre-packaged elopement, but it fit us just right. We didn’t want a courthouse elopement, but a full-fledged wedding wasn’t our style either. This allowed us to find our place in the wedding-spectrum that felt to be the most candid, unadulterated representation of who we are and what our unity represents. Oh, and when we told people we were eloping and our closest family would be there, the puzzled looks were promptly followed with, "Isn’t the point of eloping to have no one know? It isn’t an elopement if people are there and it’s planned!" We called it an elopement because that was the name of the package. We could have called it a small wedding, or an intimate commitment ceremony or a union gala. It wouldn’t have made a difference. All that mattered was Nick and I were there, it was exactly what we wanted, our family was joyous and we were surrounded by love on the most important, defining day of our lives. Continue reading Wedding Graduates: Brittany & Nick Elope (Sort of)

Posted in: Wedding Graduates | 47 Comments »

Oct 2011

1980 Vintage Wedding: Dan & Reiko

Today's vintage wedding (vintage weddings, by the way, are among my favorite things) is from the parents of Elissa of Elissa R. Photo in Austin, TX (APW Sponsor). The fact that Elissa is the spitting image of, well, both of her parents, only makes this a happier read for me. Dan and Reiko's wedding has all the hallmarks of current international weddings (some things change, other things never do), with multiple ceremonies stretched out over time. But it also speaks of a time when doing it simply was a little easier, and it points to what's really important—the marriage.

Reiko and I met in suburban Minneapolis in the Fall of 1971, about two months after she arrived in the United States from her native Japan as a Rotary Exchange Student. During this time, we met regularly and experienced High School together. We couldn't call it dating because she was on an exchange program and the sponsor forbade it, but together we shivered through ski-jump meets, downhill skiing, and other outdoor winter activities.

I made my first trip to Japan in 1973. At 19-years-old, looking over the waters of Lake Chuzenjitoward Nantai-yama, we talked about our future together. To my proposal, she did not say yes. But most importantly, she did not say no. For seven years, we courted. I made several trips to Japan; Reiko made several trips here. We exchanged a few dozen letters (it took almost a week for even an airmail letter to arrive). In the end, both Reiko and her family agreed that we could marry, so she bought a one-way ticket on Pan Am's nonstop flight from Tokyo to New York where I was living and working at the time.

I met Reiko at JFK Customs and we drove into the city to my very tiny apartment in a huge sky-scraper across the street from a large hospital. Neither of us was hungry. She was jet lagged; I was tired. We had a simple but meaningful talk over a cup of very bad instant coffee. We now celebrate that date (it is engraved in our rings) as the day we began our lives together and forever.

Some weeks after our commitment to each other, we asked my mother's uncle to meet us at the New York County (Manhattan) Marriage Bureau where we were legally married by a judge. A passer-by in one of the corridors outside the Judge's office used my 6x6 camera to make a photo record of us as we looked that day since photos weren't allowed in Chamber. With the time-clocked and signed marriage license safely stored in an envelope, my great-uncle took the train home to New Jersey and we took a subway up-town. Continue reading 1980 Vintage Wedding: Dan & Reiko

Posted in: Wedding Graduates | 30 Comments »

Sep 2011

Wordless Wedding: Valerie & Jesse

* Valerie (Neuroscientist) & Jesse (Software Engineer) * Photographer: Little Bat Photography, San Francisco (APW Sponsor) * Soundtrack for reading: Bright Eyes, First day of my life *

The Info— Photography: Little Bat Photography / Dress: ABS by Allen Schwartz (2008 graduation gift from older sister, Jessie) / Veil: Little Bat & Bride DIT / Shoes: Something Bleu via Bhldn / Suit: Express Men / Ceremony: San Francisco City Hall / Wine: Arlequin Cafe / Cupcakes: Miette / Ring Bear: Kennedy Space Center

Other cool stuff: We decided to elope the week before, to be married on the anniversary of our engagement. We live in Wisconsin and our county requires birth certificates and has a waiting period for marriage licenses, so we ran away instead to somewhere with simpler policies. I tried to make a dress in that week and gave up on it just 5 hours before getting on the plane to SF. Eloping brides—just use a dress you have, or buy something you like. But seriously, instead of sewing, get a massage. Little Bat Photographer Jillian (APW Sponsor... they are full service, y'all) made my bouquet, helped whip up my veil, and was so incredibly amazing on every front. We had gotten rings in December... just in case. My something borrowed was a hairpin from my friend Kim who I got to see the day before our wedding for the first time in well over a year for sushi and beers. Jesse's timepiece was his engagement pocketwatch (our initials are engraved on either side of the hunter's case). The lace at the top of my veil was from the wedding dress I'd planned to wear to the big wedding that wasn't. Jesse was super cool in every regard.

One sentence sum-up of the wedding vibe: An entirely personal and vivid day.

Hardest thing about the wedding: Val: Getting ready alone. I didn't expect to feel so lonely on my wedding day. I'd been planning it since girlhood (I have two sisters; Vanessa the younger was going to be my Maid of Honor, and I'd helped my older sister Jessie into her wedding gown two years before). Or even eloping with my favoritest person by my side (like, how can you feel alone when you're with your best friend?). But suddenly I remembered that all brides are essentially alone in that particular liminal state. It was my transition to make. And then I felt brave enough to go on. Also, there was definitely fallout afterwards, but it is dissipating with time. Jesse: Nothing. It was awesome.

Favorite thing about the wedding: Jesse: Val's smiles. Val: We had each other.

Posted in: Wedding Graduates, Wordless Weddings | 94 Comments »

Sep 2011

What Happens After You Elope

We're making today Elopement Day here on APW because I am bound and determined to erase elopement as the last taboo of Indie wedding planning. Sure, elopement isn't right for everyone, but if it's right for you, I want you to be able to own that sh*t. So today, Nina, who shared her Central Park elopement with us last year, is back to write about the aftermath of that decision: how people reacted, how the follow up parties went, and what she learned. And if "doing what is right for you, while finding a way to honor those you love" isn't one of the core APW messages, than what is? Plus, how adorable are these two? I rest my case.

After my Wedding Graduate elopement post went up, a lot of people were curious about how our families reacted to our elopement, and Meg requested I submit a reaction piece, so here it is, almost a year later (oops!).

Richie and I were extremely fortunate to experience all positive reactions from our family and friends. That said, it seemed that while everyone was thrilled with the news, every person fell into one of four categories:

The Relieved Ones
The Forgotten Ones
The Confused Ones
The Gloaters

The Relieved Ones were mostly my family and close friends in California that wanted so badly to come to our wedding but had no idea how they were going to afford to take the time off from work and pay for a trip to Pennsylvania. They were also the people who were relieved for us after witnessing all of the speed bumps and roadblocks we faced while planning. They were my friends who got phone calls from me when I was crying—again—because something else went wrong; they were our newlywed and engaged friends who would always thank us for putting their wedding planning dilemmas into perspective (glad we could help, guys); it was my mom who wanted so badly to help pay for everything but was struggling to stay afloat after being laid off.

The Forgotten Ones were the people like my brother, who just really wanted to experience the whole sibling-getting-married thing, complete with a bachelor party for Richie, a classy new suit and tie, and a well-rehearsed toast that people would talk about for days. My brother’s reaction to our elopement was really important to me because I had chosen him as my best man, and I truly wanted him to understand and accept our decision. When my parents threw us a belated wedding reception in December, he made that well-rehearsed toast (which was awesome), and I knew that he did, in fact, get it.

The Confused Ones category includes the people that gave me sideways glances for months, expecting to see a baby bump (“Why else would they elope?”). I had the opportunity to have a dream wedding at one of the most beautiful venues in the region on someone else’s dollar, and turned it down. The Confused Ones just couldn’t figure it out because they didn’t realize that this “dream” started to feel more like a nightmare to me. Other Confused Ones were my friends that knew I had wedding planning magazines under my bed in high school and couldn't understand how I could ditch all of my plans and get married with just the basics instead.

The Gloaters were the ones that said, “You two really didn’t have the time/money/energy to spend on this.” Or, “I knew you weren’t experienced enough to plan an event this big.” Their reactions were less about our union and more about things that weren’t any of their business. They were the hardest to swallow because while they were happy Richie and I got married, they brought to the surface what they really thought about our ideas, our capabilities, and, well, us. Richie's mom and I got into more than a few arguments during the planning process, and it often came down to the fact that she had planned two weddings and a Bar and Bat Mitzvah, and she didn't think I could handle it. Richie would try to defend me by touting my event planning experience, but I would always emphasize that it wasn't a competition.

Right when I realized that part of the reason I was clinging to planning a big wedding was to prove myself to her was right when I started thinking seriously about eloping. Continue reading What Happens After You Elope

Posted in: Reclaiming Wife, Wedding Graduates, Wedding Graduates Return | 44 Comments »

Aug 2011

Wordless Wedding: Meredith & Dylan

* Meredith (public school librarian, future PhD student in forensic clinical psychology) & Dylan (psychiatrist) * Photographer: Hart & Sol Photo * Soundtrack for reading: Scissor Sisters, Might Tell You Tonight *

The Info—Ceremony Venue: Church of the Holy Trinity / Reception Restaurant: Orsay / Dress: Jenny Yoo—they do a line of bridesmaid's dresses (short, with pockets!) repurposed just for brides in ivory and white / Headpiece: Brenda Waites Bolling Millinery Boutique (cost more than our entire civil ceremony. But so worth having that ostrich on my head, for serious) / Suit: I dunno and neither does he! / Beauty: Lisa Fiorentino of the Grooming Room (Raves!) Flowers: Ariston Florists / Cupcakes: Two Little Red Hens Bakery / Photography: Hart & Sol Photo (APW Sponsor)

What the pictures don't show: We were civilly married, effectively on a whim, in July 2010, after attending a wedding of a dear friend whose mother and sister pretty much summed up what I did not want in any wedding I might ever have. On the drive back to Manhattan, we shrugged our shoulders and decided to do it our way—right away. We got our license at the marriage bureau, and, telling no one but our witnesses, were civilly married at the New York County courthouse in front of my friend Sarah and her husband RJ two days later. We took Sarah and RJ for a celebratory meal of soup dumplings in Chinatown—our favorite dim sum place is right around the corner from the court complex—and I called my mother. When she picked up, the first words I blurted were, "Guess what I did!" She was very relieved when I assured there would be a "real" wedding (in the Episcopal Book of Common Prayer, really a "blessing of the vows" after a civil marriage), with a reception and all... well, some of the trimmings. Turns out, I'm not a trimmings kind of girl, and my best beloved isn't really sure what a trimming entails... We kept what was beautiful and important to us, trimmings be damned! After all, it wasn't like they could arbitrarily un-marry us by that point!

Other cool stuff: We had no wedding attendants. Drama-free was the name of the game, and the fewer people to wrangle, the better. We had our blessing in our neighborhood's parish church, where we're congregants, and it's part of an Episcopal Mass to start with a reading from the Old Testament and one from the New Testament. My best friend is Jewish, and she read the same passage from the Song of Solomon that had been part of her own wedding. My husband's father is a Methodist minister, so Dylan had his brother read from the Book of Matthew. It was a huge honor to actually have those closest to us actually be an integral part of the Mass as lay readers—it meant way more to me than seven girls lined up in matching satin gowns ever could have!

One sentence sum-up of the wedding vibe: An elegant but relaxed brunch, with cupcakes to die for, and a vague Provencal theme but that big-city Manhattan vibe we never quite seem to be able to shake.

Favorite thing about the wedding: The delicious afternoon nap we immediately dropped into when we got back to our hotel suite... which turned out to extend until about 2 AM! A post-reception nap AND you've still got hours of your "wedding night" left? Can't do that if you don't have a morning wedding and reception!

Posted in: Wedding Graduates, Wordless Weddings | 31 Comments »

Posts Tagged ‘elopement’

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