Q: I got engaged in May and asked seven girls to be bridesmaids. Of those seven girls, three of us are lifelong friends with varying degrees of current closeness. I am very close with two of the three but decided it would be very hurtful to not include the third so did. Well she got engaged three months later and is including the other two girls and not me in her bridal party. Now I’m very hurt and regret extending the offer to her, since she obviously didn’t feel the same way. I also feel if she knew this was her plan she should have declined participating in my bridal party. At this point my wedding is nine months away and hers is about a year a half. Is it wrong to ask her to step down from being one of my bridesmaids?
—Anonymous
Q: I am recently engaged (about six months now) and am getting married next December. A friend of mine (let’s call her Tina) recently got engaged as well a few months after me, but is getting married six months before I am next June. Last week she asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding and I said yes.
I have already asked eight people to be my bridesmaids for my wedding. Here’s the issue: Tina is not one of them, but she is unaware that she is not being asked to be in mine or that I have already asked eight girls who have all said yes. Tina doesn’t really know any of the eight (having only met some of them a few times), so there would really be no way of her knowing that I have already asked people. I am pretty adamant about only having eight (I like even numbers), and my fiancé and I chose our wedding party based on how close we 1) are to our respective parties and 2) how close we are to the other’s respective parties.
I was pretty set on not asking Tina to be in the wedding (clearly as she was not one of the immediate eight I asked), until I read her note to me when she asked me to be in her wedding. It was incredibly touching and thoughtful, and now I am second-guessing not asking her. (One thing I didn’t mention—our wedding venue is tiny and already having nineteen people at the front will be a tight squeeze, but it could be possible if I add one more and my fiancé does not.)
I have also known Tina for ten years, and we have been friends the entire time. However, Tina and I had a falling out a year ago when I caught her talking very poorly about me behind my back at a party. I have since forgiven her for it, but have certainly not forgotten and since then, do not trust her entirely. I feel as though she probably still talks poorly about me from time to time. Because of this, my fiancé does not like her.
All in all I am asking this: Should I put her in the wedding since it seems she is trying to make an effort to be better (her note hinted at this) and I agreed to be a bridesmaid in hers and I truly don’t want to hurt her feelings? Or should I stick to my guns and keep the original eight with no new additions? And if I choose the latter option, what do I say to her now that I’ve agreed to be in her wedding?
—Torn
A: It’s not tit for tat, guys. Stick with the bridesmaids you picked.
—Liz Moorhead
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