Q: My fiancée and I met in 2016. When we both first started dating, she made it very clear that a very recent male friend of hers (“Dave”) had a crush on her and they had kissed following a date, but she told him she wasn’t ready for a relationship. They had known each other for two months by this point.
After we had gone on several dates, she mentioned to me that he was very jealous of me, and she was trying to appease him and reconcile the friendship she once had with him. As time went on, she stated that Dave was ignoring her and she thought best just to leave it there.
After six months, we both moved to another country. At this point, she and Dave started communicating by email, etc., on a weekly basis, with Dave sending songs and photos, and them both frequently liking each other’s Facebook posts, etc. I did ask about why she had such a close relationship with a person that she barely spoke to when she lived in the same city, and she stated that they had some common interests and that was all.
Following our engagement, my fiancée stated she wanted a small wedding and would not invite many of her friends that she had known for more than a decade. I understood that she wanted the guests to be people that were very close to her and me. I accepted this, however, then she invited Dave and he accepted. What am I to think? I trust her, but it seems as though there are many warning signs here. I have asked her about this, and she has asked if I trust her or not, and if I do, there is nothing to fear. I do trust her, but it strikes me as very odd that she would invite him—a person she has barely known in person very long—to our wedding, following leaving out many of her close friends and family.
—Anonymous
A:
I get really irritated really fast by the, “Don’t you trust me?” question. It sidesteps the issue. It shifts the blame. It makes whatever feels off, into your responsibility instead of theirs. It’s a dodge, instead of addressing what’s bugging you. It’s a non-answer, and it should probably raise a red flag.
The question isn’t whether or not you trust her. Obviously you trust her! You’re with her! But, even trustworthy people do crappy things sometimes. And what’s more, sometimes trustworthy people lie to themselves, so they don’t even realize they’re being dishonest with you. And sadly, sometimes the people you trust just flat out don’t deserve that faith.
I mean, listen, don’t let any of that freak you out. I don’t know your partner; I don’t know what she’s up to. It’s likely everything is completely above-board, they’re just friends. But if the odd closeness of their friendship, the unresolved romantic feelings and jealousy, and the fact that he’s being included in a small party of her nearest and dearest is all not sitting well with you? There’s no rush to get married.
You guys have known each other, what, a year tops? There’s nothing wrong with putting the wedding off a bit while you figure this out. There’s something here to address—whether it’s some feelings for this guy that she’s not acknowledging to you (or even herself, maybe), or the fact that she won’t talk things through with you, or just your own gut feelings. Whatever it is, it’s something for you both to handle—not for her to push back on you as a trust issue.
Here is a better question. Do you trust yourself? Because it sounds like you should.
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