APW Happy Hour


Our week of weddings and fires

by Meg Keene, CEO & Editor-In-Chief

Hey APW,

For nearly the last decade of my life, I’ve spent Mondays through Fridays writing about weddings. But every now and then I get to actually go to (or even be IN a wedding), and it’s always sort of a crazy experience to switch my headspace from wedding expert to wedding participant. But last weekend, for the first time, I got to wrangle my own children in their very first wedding, and that was really bonkers and cool (and I think we can all admit that yes, I do look a lot like Kate wrangling the children at Pippa’s wedding.)

But let’s talk about OUTFITS, because that’s what we’re all really here for. Remember when we did that giant flower girl dress roundup? Well after all that shopping, my two-year-old rose-petal dumper wore a gifted Doloris Petunia dress that was everything. And my dapper, sparkle-loving four-year-old wore this summer leisure suit, straight from Amazon’s discount bin, that at the last minute we dyed purple using iDye poly (which kicks Rit Dye to the curb), and a girls slim cut t-shirt, because apparently we only cut boys clothes in boxy?

BUT WHERE WERE WE LEMMIE TALK ABOUT MY OUTFIT FOR A MINUTE. For the second wedding in a row, I rented a Jill Jill Stuart dress, and loved it. I’ll do a post on it sometime in the future, but I skipped any kind of expensive stick on bra, and used flesh colored gaffer tape, and I’m never going back. I’ve figured out Beyoncé’s secret to perfect boobs in low cut gowns after two pregnancies, and I suddenly can wear ALL the dresses that you can’t wear a bra with. (Oh, and I wore these earrings and this bracelet, for a spiky AF look.)

And a huge thank you to Natalja of Two Moon Photo for being basically the kindest wedding photographer on the planet. LA, hire this woman.

But enough about outfitssssss, how was your week?

XO,

Meg

P.S. While talking about wedding outfits is a lovely (and frankly very much needed) distraction, at the APW offices our hearts and minds are fully focused on the unfolding tragedy of the North Bay fires. We have staff members, family members, and loved ones who are waiting to see if their homes are gone, and in some cases already know that they’ve lost everything. On top of that, due to winds, our homes and offices are in the middle of some of the most toxic air, which is particularly terrifying with an asthmatic child. It’s frankly hard for us to think about much else (which makes us want to think about… anything else… because, coping). For those of you moved to help in the latest in a string of horrific natural disasters that seem to be sweeping the country, consider giving to: Sonoma County Resilience FundNapa Valley Community Fund and Disaster Fund for Mendocino County.

 

Meg Keene

Meg is the Founder and EIC of APW. She has written two best selling wedding books: A Practical Wedding and A Practical Wedding Planner. Meg has her BFA in Drama from NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts. She lives in Oakland, CA with her husband and two children. For more than you ever wanted to know about Meg, you can visit MegKeene.com.

[Read comment policy before commenting]

  • LAinTexas

    Thanks, Meg, for sharing some organizations that we can donate to. It’s always so helpful to hear from locals which organizations are doing the good work and will put the money where it’s needed. Thinking of everyone affected by these terrible fires, and I’ll keep looking for other ways to support, too.

  • Meg, your kids are adorbs and you look smoking hot!

    Here’s some links yall!
    *The White House is on some bullshit – https://theslot.jezebel.com/white-house-confirms-its-ending-cost-sharing-subsidies-1819429181

    *This interview with Nikole Hannah-Jones is amazing & she’s a McArthur genius! – https://www.citylab.com/equity/2017/10/confronting-the-myths-of-segregation/542637/

    *Everything I wished to say about AIM but wasn’t able to write – https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2017/10/aim-was-perfect-soon-it-will-be-dead/542322/?utm_source=feed

    *This story tickles me – http://www.theroot.com/in-crazy-wypipo-news-police-arrest-drunk-man-who-says-1819189797

    *How to have time for hobbies as a working mom – http://corporettemoms.com/how-to-find-time-for-hobbies-as-a-working-mom/

    *Female superhero armor is bullshit – https://qz.com/1073050/boob-armor-could-literally-kill-you/

    • Angela’s Back

      Involving your kids in your hobbies is the reason I love watching tennis–my mum would never let us have the TV on in the daytime as kids except for our specified hour on weekend mornings/after school. But if the tennis was on, she’d watch that while she folded the washing. Since it was the only way to watch TV and we just wanted the screen distraction, my sister and I would sit there with her a lot of the time and fold and watch. One of the best moments of my childhood was when Pat Rafter won the US Open in 1997–the match finished right before we left for school because of the Australia time difference and it was the most awesome high feeling.

      • Emily

        There is nothing better than folding laundry and watching tennis…glad I’m not the only one!

    • Abs

      Also I can’t stop thinking about this (*trigger warning*) -https://www.newyorker.com/culture/jia-tolentino/how-men-like-harvey-weinstein-implicate-their-victims-in-their-acts

      Anyone else?

    • emilyg25

      I like the kids/hobbies one, especially #4! On Tuesdays, my husband takes our son to a running group in the jogging stroller while I stay home, listen to On the Media, drink wine, and cook something needlessly complicated. Win/win/win.

    • Jess

      That female superhero armor: everything I’ve thought for so long!

  • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

    No, wait, come back and tell us more about how to use the gaffers tape.

    • mui

      yes please share how you used the tape! =)

    • Emily

      Yes! This!

    • Her Lindsayship

      Yessss came here to say the same thing. Can you use it in some magical way that holds the girls up?? This is important

      • YES YES YOU CAN. Even if you’re me or Bey or Kim and you gotta lotta them.

        • Les

          Tell us how!!!

    • ART

      I love that the first question in the Amazon Q&A is “Does this work on boobs? Kim Kardashian suggested it.”

      • Her Lindsayship

        I was disappointed that PAJane’s question wasn’t really answered on the Amazon page and then realized it was pretty unlikely I would find boob support diagrams on a gaffer’s tape product page…

        • ART

          We could actually rectify that situation in the reviewer’s photos section…APW project for the next few weeks? I’d order a roll…

        • OK FINE WE’LL DO IT FOR YOU

    • Rose

      There is also “garment tape” that you can buy at places like Joann Fabrics, which is clear and comes in little strips. It’s double-sided sticky, so you just stick one side to yourself, then peel the backing off the other side and press the fabric down over it however you want the clothes to fit. I find it works pretty well!

      • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

        Hollywood tape! I have used it, it’s good at what it does. It won’t hold ’em UP though.

        • Rose

          Ah, yes, true. I’m afraid that’s not usually what I’m concerned about. I can definitely see how it might be helpful, though.

        • So basically you build yourself a bra. What I’m sensing is y’all want us to photograph this like… next week. I can do a comp with expensive stick on bras, which if you’re a D+ cup are pretty much useless.

          • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

            My boobs laugh at stick-on bras.

          • As do mine.

          • Stick-on bras are definitely fake news.

          • Angela’s Back

            I did something similar to this when I was a bridesmaid–two of us were on bridal boob-taping duty to corral her DDs into a more manageable configuration for her dress, she didn’t want All The Cleavage.

          • Katelyn

            Yes!! I want to see both maximizing *and* minimizing diagrams!

          • Angela’s Back

            In our case, we were sort of pushing together but also pulling down, if that makes sense… it sounds so drastic put like that! But the goal was that the Bridal Boobs would be resting tidily sans boob gap in the bodice of the dress, not spilling out everywhere in front of grandparents. Also, we were hampered by a lack of gaffer tape, we were working with a bunch of little 2 inch strips of fashion tape that came with the dress, I think… it was a last minute solution to a last minute problem.

          • Abs

            Please, please do this.

          • Cellistec

            Note to self: maybe don’t read that post at work.

          • Kate

            Could double as a fun pasties round up?

      • Garment tape is fine to stick clothes to you (trust me, I’m wearing it as well), but NO IT DOES NOT WORK ON BOOBS.

        • Caitlyn

          Gasp, I assumed you used the tape to stick the clothes to you. You mean the tape supports? WHAT? I would LOVE a tutorial! (your boobs look amazing!!!)

          • Meg Keene

            OH GIRL I’VE NURSED TWO KIDS OVER THE COURSE OF FIVE YEARS, MY BOOBS DON’T LOOK LIKE THAT ON THEIR OWN! No, that’s tapeeeee.

    • LOL OK I WILL, but I need pictures.

  • Lexipedia

    We are so lucky that we aren’t in California, where whole communities are devastated by fire, but we had our own fire adventure last week. A week ago Thursday I was on my way to lunch and one of my colleagues confirmed my address – she had seen on a local blog that a building was on fire and remembered where I lived. I jumped in a cab to race home and saw that our apartment building flaming off the roof and billowing black smoke that could be seen from miles away.

    Everyone got out safely, and after about four hours of panic we got in to rescue our terrified kittens from our soaked and smoky apartment (they spent the night in the hospital and are ok, other than a newfound terror of loud noises,) but pretty much everything but a few clothes and books we managed to save, and the keepsakes we grabbed in the five minutes the fire brigade gave us, has been destroyed by smoke and water damage. Thank goodness for insurance, but is it ever a pain to deal with.

    Our friends and coworkers have been so supportive, and we’ve been offered all sorts of help, from housewares to money to places to stay, but it has been a really hard week and a half.

    • Kaitlyn

      Oh my goodness this is terrible, I’m so sorry you’re going through this!

    • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

      Oh, god, how horrible. I’m glad you were able to save your kitties, and that you’re insured.

    • mjh

      So sorry to hear that, how awful. I’m glad you guys and the kittens are okay. Sending vibes for the next while to be as easy as it can.

    • Eenie

      I’m so glad your pets are ok!! I can’t imagine how scary that must have been.

    • ssha

      oh my goodness, I am so sorry. How stressful. I’m glad you and your kitties are okay.

    • Zoya

      Oh wow, glad you and the kittens are okay! Such a hard situation, I’m so sorry.

      We’ve been choking on smoke for the past week, and I keep hearing about more and more folks in my social circle who have lost their homes. Just devastating.

    • AGCourtney

      Oh my goodness, that’s awful! I’m so glad everyone is okay, but I can’t even imagine how stressful that must be. Sending good vibes your way.

    • AP

      Oh no. I’m so sorry.

    • Jess

      I’m so sorry. Losing a home is so traumatic.

    • somanypseudonyms

      Ohhhhhhh yikes. Having been close-to-there earlier this year (we were very lucky, with way less damage) … I feel you. There’s something particularly horrific about losing things (and security) to voracious all-consuming fire.

      I’m sure you’re in the middle of Insurance Paperwork Vortex currently, but I hope you also have time to just take care of yourself and be with partner/cats. It’s okay to be shaken; this is a really hard thing.

      <3

    • ART

      I’m so sorry! It has been so sad to hear of everyone around here losing homes (we have at least 4 friends whose houses have burned), but it doesn’t make it any less sad that yours was just your building. I’m glad you have insurance and lots of support.

    • Mrs H

      Oh my gosh you poor thing! I’m so sorry xx

  • Kaitlyn

    Ahhh we got our engagement photos back and they’re EVERYTHING. Our photographer sent us the proofs and then we got to choose our 50 favorites for her to finish editing. I loved this process because while I loved most of the photos, there were some I was very critical of (think body issues) and I would have hated for her to have included some of those. If anyone is in need of a photographer in the RI/southeastern MA area, pleaseee go hire Meagan Emilia Photography :)

    I’m currently working on our Save the Dates on Minted and I think I might end up doing a Squarespace wedding website mainly so I can show off all the beautiful photos (cuz who needs to actually find the hotel block information? ;) (kidding, we’ll def include that)

    PS It was wicked hard to only choose a few to show off so this is a little photo heavy haha I’ll probs delete tomorrow for privacy stuffs :)

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/fecbbf4aaa576efc441af2728fdbd1f42f37e8225c56a62d13a6eb727d41a30c.jpg https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5b49df092183bd023fc80e9d2d82b222a67c6e87bbab1d3c0b63e8e7c04d666f.jpg https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1b13682d7c125564fbbcde1bb27aaf02cabaa1ee672e8a08ca058a257facc42e.jpg https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5cacd20bdc5ac5591688e545ba9ebdf8a89dc1afc159be5c03d01a0208d3298b.jpg https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ae1ad50ac5257fe0e35eeb551cc6762db1d91ed570256d8595c67ef97ca74b05.jpg https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/68ac5a02dfa194b6db22e6a9173237a855a551e5eaa8b82554b151e056deeb1f.jpg

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d53690ccebe887622eb4469fa4ffa1c4f8fba7cfd0917ea7bb8eb9b7a7ea0af7.jpg

    • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

      CUTIES.

      • Kaitlyn

        Aw thanks :)

    • Eenie

      Love them all! But especially the blanket one!

      • Kaitlyn

        I’m loving all this blanket love <3

    • Zoya

      That blanket photo is the cutest!! And I love the red dress.

      • Kaitlyn

        Thank youuuuu

    • K.K.

      The one of you in a blanket is the one I would personally have framed on my wall because it gives me all of the happy.

      • Kaitlyn

        Ahh I love it too!

    • Cellistec

      These are stunning! Well done, you two + photographer.

      • Kaitlyn

        Thank youuuu

    • ssha

      CUTE CUTE CUTE.

      • Kaitlyn

        Aw shucks :)

    • Jess

      These are adorable! Also, where can we purchase your dress?!

      • Kaitlyn

        H&M! I only got it like two weeks ago so it might still be there!

    • Les

      Adorable! Also, the dress is A+++. Color, the elbow bows, the neck, the color… you look awesome!

      • Kaitlyn

        Ah thank you! I REALLY stressed about what to wear, bought a couple of dresses, and my mom told me to stop worrying and wear this one (love moms haha). I was so excited when I saw how much it popped in the pictures (especially during the foggy shots!)

    • Jan

      YOUR OUTFIT!

    • Mrs H

      That dress!

    • Capondoodle

      Love all of them! I like the one by the lighthouse where you are laughing

  • seejk

    How do you deal with gender stereotypes in the workplace while being professional? Both my boyfriend and myself are in a very traditional industry. Just as an example, When we go to dinner at higher-ups’ houses, it is 100% expected that women (myself included) will do dishes while the men sit around the table and talk. Just a small example of larger expectations, how to I combat this while still being professional and polite?

    • Nell

      It can’t just be you fighting the good fight. What if your boyfriend marched into the kitchen and said “alright! I’m rolling up my sleeves and doing some dishes! girlfriend, get in there and talk shop!” Together you guys can be an example of how a modern couple behaves.

    • K.K.

      Do you have any feminist allies at work? At my previous job one of my (female) coworkers told me something about how she’d read that when there’s a cake or whatever, it is always a woman who steps up and cuts it. So the next time there was a cake, a few of us whispered around beforehand and just agreed not to get out the knives/forks/plates, cut the cake, etc. We stood their sipping our tea and soda and waited for some guy to figure out that if he wanted cake, he would have to take the initiative himself. It was beautiful. We timed them.

      So…maybe sometime when you have a smaller, less-critical gathering, agree with the other women to sit and talk shop after the meal. If anyone asks why you aren’t doing dishes, you can say, ‘Oh we thought you guys might like a turn,’ or the more innocuous, ‘This conversation is too interesting to step away from!’

    • lamarsh

      I just saw Joan C. Williams speak this week on this very issue. I would definitely recommend her book (What Works for Women at Work) if you want to dig in and develop strategies. She uses psychology studies to categorize the types of bias women face at work and then uses interviews she did with highly successful professional women to develop strategies to deal with these types of bias, while recognizing that due to the institutional biases, the answer is not just act like a man.

      Sounds like you’re being asked to do literal housework, but for office housework, she recommends that you ask to set up an official rotation for certain types of work (e.g., who is planning group lunch that month) or employ strategic “no’s” (e.g., I would love to do that but I am already busy on x committee and working on very important project for y). At my previous job, if I employed a strategic “no” I would couple it with, but I think [insert male coworker] would be great for that role. Also, to the extent you can team up with the other women in the office to use any of these strategies, it will be even more effective.

    • Les

      This isn’t a work story, but I’m piggy-backing: my wonderful friend hosts cookie parties around Christmas. Guests bring cookies, they are blind taste-tested and silly awards are given out. Almost all the guests were straight couples the last year. I showed up without my plus one (he was back in NY) and a tray of cookies. I noticed that only the girls had baked, and none of the male halves of the couples and made ANYTHING. When it came time to judge, my friend handed the judging materials to the boys. I grabbed one too. ‘You can’t judge, you entered!’ ‘They can’t judge, they are married to/dating the contestants! I’m the most impartial person here!’ Totally gross, but they all got it. I think some of the boys even felt bad for being lame non-contributors.

    • Eenie

      I’m not sure what you mean by traditional industry (I’m coming at this from a engineering/manufacturing industry). Simply pointing out things is often an effective strategies (why do you assume I’ll be offended at your language but not Bob?). The example you gave overlaps with being a good dinner guest though. If you’re not the spouse, I suggest your BF take the lead to help with dishes so you can sit around and talk. If you’re the spouse, I think it makes sense to help if that’s what the other spouses are doing.

      Is there any larger organizations that are working to change the culture in your industry?

  • K.K.

    Dun dun dun….we got engaged last week! Yay! Eek! Yay! So many feels! And yet the rest of life trundles on.

    I’ve been lurking on this site for years and now I am going to be here not just for the feminism and the relationships but for the engagement and the wedding things legit. I’ve had some increasing hiccups with the site but here’s hoping we can figure each other out.

    So question 1. Rings. We are shopping for rings. And language is hard, you guys. We apparently don’t want “engagement rings”. The things in our price/size/happiness range are “promise rings” because ugh. And I don’t even know that I want a stone. Just like a metal ring with some pretty metal decorations sticking out on one side that make it clearly not a wedding band? What even is the word for that? Do you guys have suggestions on awesome jewelry sources that might have things like this? Or at least a nice in-depth ring vocabulary primer that goes beyond diamonds, golds, and settings to like…what is a bezel and what is the name for the part of the ring that sticks out from the band but isn’t necessarily a stone? The APW archive has not found anything for me yet.

    Cheers all! See you around! :D

    • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

      Spend some time falling down an Etsy hole. Lots of pretty vintage and newly made rings there.

      • Angela’s Back

        YES. I really like the shop clovercreekbear, her rings are *very* reasonably priced, all vintage, good mix of rings with stones and rings without (the rings without are mostly Black Hills gold or Black Mountain gold, it’s a specific style that I can’t remember exactly right now). I picked two rings from there when my husband was shopping, both of which he bought, neither of which he proposed with (long story), but I love both of them and wear them out for special occasions.

    • Zoya

      Congratulations! My biggest ring shopping advice is to visit a bunch of stores just to look, and make it clear you’re just looking and not ready to buy. Then ask all the questions and see how they respond. The stores that were able to roll with our weird questions and non-traditional tastes were the ones we went back to when we were ready to buy for real.

    • Aimee

      Congrats!! Ring shopping is so exciting :) Googling ‘alternative engagement ring’ could be helpful to get an idea of what’s out there and what you like, since in-store selection might be more limited depending on where you live. I can’t really picture what you’re describing, but APW has some great round ups of “alternative” rings so maybe that’s a good starting point!

    • ART

      I am not good at ring terminology, but I got my engagement ring from this shop and loved everything about the experience: https://www.jansjewells.com/ – they do a lot of vintage reproductions that fall under the category of “pretty metal decorations sticking out,” some with stones and some without (and any stone you want, almost – I got moissanite with CZ accents but they have plenty of others). Worth poking around for ideas even if they just help you search for other things. I started by looking on etsy and found a few filigree styles that I liked, then found this site when searching for more. I wanted to get patterned wedding bands here but we couldn’t settle on any we both liked, but they were still fun to look at.

    • Rose

      Congratulations! I think shopping for rings in person is great, but if you’re living somewhere like we were when we got engaged, may also not be at all what you’re looking for. I know that the place where I got my ring, Wexford Jewelers, has some without gemstones. This is the only one I could find on their site at the moment, although I know they have had others in the past. https://www.wexfordjewelers.com/signature-rose-rose-garden-ring-rose-gold.html

      Carla Carouso also has some decorated non-gemstone rings that could be used for either engagement rings or wedding bands. Like this: https://www.carlacarusojewelry.com/collections/wedding-engagement-rings/products/sunburst-ring?variant=22148008961. She also has some with small gemstones that look really nice, like this one: https://www.carlacarusojewelry.com/collections/wedding-engagement-rings/products/lovebirds-diamond-ring?variant=22147998017. I don’t have any of her jewelry, but some of my friends got rings and bands from her and love them.

    • Lagaviota

      I second the Etsy recommendation for figuring out the styles you’re drawn to! After I got engaged I spent a few days on there and started to learn the names for the style/color of ring I liked.

      We ultimately ended up buying a ring from mineralogy jewelry, based out of Chicago. It was the perfect intersection of price, style and ethics (conflict free, recycled metal) for us! I love my ring, and working with Theresa was great!

    • Cassy

      I second Etsy, but also check out noemie! They have absolutely stunning, simple, small bands. Some feature diamonds but they have several lovely options under $500.

    • Abs

      Aide-memoire jewelry in Seattle has some really cool non-gemstone stuff:
      https://aidememoirejewelry.com/collections/women-s-textured-bands/products/dot-ancient-texture-ring

      • xaellie

        Seconding aide-memoire! I got a typical engagement ring from them, but they have some really unique stuff. Plus the quality is on point.

    • K.K.

      You guys are awesome! I am loving these suggestions after a week spent futilely searching for “rings without diamonds” (why is searching for “not” so hard?!) – for those suggesting Etsy, I would love to hear your favorite shops! I promise to review absolutely everything once the weekend actually starts for real, which might be, like, tomorrow.

    • Jan

      Congrats! I second the Etsy suggestion. I spent some time browsing all types of rings on there (and on Brilliant Earth) until I narrowed it down to something I thought I wanted to wear most days. I can’t remember the Etsy shop names, I mostly just searched by various stones (moissanite, morganite, sapphire, etc.) to see what I liked.

      Don’t stress, either– we successfully bought an engagement ring and two wedding bands and I have no freaking clue what a bezel is. Really, the things you should think of most are style and durability (that is, will the metal and stone hold up if you plan to wear the ring daily). I ended up with a diamond but when I thought I wanted a non-diamond stone, my plan was to find a style and stone that I liked, then research the stone to make sure it wouldn’t scratch or whatever.

      • K.K.

        Thanks! How did you go about researching styles, specifically? If you saw something you liked, how did you get the internet to find you more of that?

        • Jan

          I just looked for info on the aspects I liked about the rings in the item description (stone type, stone shape, words they used to describe the band, etc) and used those words/phrases in my searches. That’s how I landed on my antique Edwardian white gold ring (it having a diamond was a surprise).

    • Capondoodle

      We got my ring from http://kcarder.com. She has a great mix of reclaimed vintage rings and custom creations. Pretty affordable!

  • savannnah

    This week was exhausting! I started it with that super intense serious friend talk that I mentioned here last week with my former very close friend who stirred up a lot of hurt as a bridesmaid in my wedding 5 weeks ago. While I achieved my goal of acting like an adult during the talk, I also felt more and more sure that our friendship may not be salvageable and that makes me sad. She was mad and frustrated I did not come there to apologize and I’m still angry that she doesn’t seem to understand there is no do-over when it comes to how she treated me and acted in the lead up to the wedding and during the wedding. Adult friendships take time and energy and care, and with our move to the west coast in 3 months, I’m not sure how I feel about putting in energy and not getting anything back.
    I also gave notice to my boss back in July for end of January and he still has not told anyone above him or let me tell anyone who reports to me which is stressing me the F out. I sat him down and gave him a deadline of the end of Oct to get it together so we’ll see how that goes.
    I’m in a black tie capital W wedding next weekend and excited to be getting dressed up and getting to give back to my wedding buddy. We were engaged in a month of each other and planned our weddings together and it was only 2nd best to my therapist for getting me through those 18 months.

    • Les

      Sorry about your friend :(

      • savannnah

        Thanks! At least I feel better how I handled it and that’s all I can be responsible for!

    • Jess

      I’m sorry to hear that the friend talk didn’t end up with the type of resolution you wanted. Friendship-break-ups suck.

  • Lawyer_Chef

    Has anyone considered converting to (a very chill version of) Judaism for a spouse? I’m starting to feel out whether it’s something I’d like to do, and would love to hear from others who have looked into it.

    • Savannah

      Hi! I’m Jewish and my fiancé is pondering a conversion to Reform Judaism. My dad converted and a couple of my friends are in the process or have already converted. Fiancé is hesitant because he identifies as Deist and feels funny about converting to a religion — any religion — even though he identifies strongly with the cultural aspects of Judaism and is considered a member of our synagogue. You’re not alone!

    • Jess

      I believe Meg did – there may be some essays about it in the archives!

    • penguin

      I’m considering it! My (now) husband is “culturally Jewish” as he calls it, and doesn’t attend services or anything but is still Jewish. We met our rabbi (who was FANTASTIC) and got to know her over several months before our recent wedding. Always up to chat about it!

  • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

    We have our officiant! A few years back a friend became ordained through the Humanist Society and started working as a celebrant, specializing in LGBTQ+ weddings and elopements. She has since expanded her business, moving into end of life celebrations in addition to weddings, and also hiring a number of people to work under her. She’s booked up to the ears, but one of her employees is one of my really good friends, who has agreed to do our wedding! I feel really good about it, warm fuzzies all around.We’re also in the process of choosing a photographer, and this will be the most difficult choice of the whole process, methinks. I emailed 4 different people, assuming that two of them would likely tell me they were booked for our date (in September, less than a year out), but amazingly all of them are available still. We’ve Skyped with one, who would easily be a great choice, I want to Skype with another original 4, and I’ve sent an additional email to a 5th photographer, who looks amazeballs, and she is ALSO available on our date. I feel really lucky, but also, the universe is not making this decision any easier.Related, I’m trying to decid how to word the “Thanks, but we’ve decided to go with another photographer” emails I’m going to have to send in a way that won’t make me feel like a jerk, and rationally I know that it’s business and it’ll be fine, but I’m kinda failing.

    • Amy March

      “Thanks, but we’ve decided to go with another photographer.” Literally that’s it. Don’t wanna be a jerk about it? Send those emails promptly so they aren’t wasting their time!

      • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

        I can do that! It just feels like I’m rejecting them personally.

        • ssha

          This is their job, and happens to them all the time! If they’re professional they’ll take it professionally.

          • Not Sarah

            Also – if they don’t take it professionally, then you probably didn’t want to work with them anyway!

        • Not in the wedding industry at all, but I do freelance video production work and I’m always super grateful when a client takes the time to reject me so I can cross a job off instead of just ghosting. I don’t take it personally unless they like, insult my hair :)

          • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

            Thank you, I needed to hear that.

      • rg223

        Oh yes soooo true about being prompt. Waiting to hear back from someone about something is the worst.

    • Arie

      my template (because I had the same issue) was “Thank you so much for taking the time to talk about our wedding with us. We really enjoyed meeting you, but we’ve decided to go with another photographer/baker/caterer/whateverer.”

      • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

        Also helpful! Thank you.

  • Katelyn

    Our sneak peak of engagement photos! We didn’t intend to match but then it was way too hot for my fiance to wear his maroon sweater over his blue button-down. So, match we did! I think it all worked out. Thanks to everyone for their input last week!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/dd4ee881791d1c96b68851671f9b4ea596d7719a279bb8bcf68133876623db8b.jpg https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5053778bfb6a4667a637fe175417e731e19b5fd44613e6ddf49a816341e8908c.jpg

    • Zoya

      The outfits turned out great! I love the shade of blue in your dress.

      • Katelyn

        Thanks! I really took your contrasting colors advice to heart and then… *shrug*

        • Les

          Doesn’t look matchy at all! You guys look great. Love the ‘serious face’ photo!

    • ssha

      I really love your hair color.

      • Katelyn

        And I really love my colorist ;)

    • Cellistec

      The colors! I swoon.

      • Katelyn

        The light was starting to fade at this point so I am sooo grateful to have a super talented photographer with fancy lenses and excellent editing skills.

    • Jessica

      So just FYI…to give someone lip service is to pay them an insincere compliment. As in, you’ll say something nice with your lips but not really mean it.
      And now every time I type lip service it feels dirtier and dirtier to me haha. Anyway, I wanted to let you know so you didn’t unintentionally offend someone by giving them lip service in the future!

      • Katelyn

        Whaaaaa?!?!? Guess I’ll have to edit that…

    • Jess

      These turned out so cute! The outfits are perfect!

    • Engaged Chicago

      You guys look so good!!! Love how the colors pop! Did you take this in Chi?

      • Katelyn

        We drove down to Allerton Park, a bit south of Champaign. It’s one of my favorite places!

  • Seriously, just see thedamn Dr

    Today’s fun game: husband received moderate workplace injury (tool ricocheted and hit him in the face causing blood and bruising around his chin) and doesn’t understand why I am urging him to see a walk-in clinic doctor and a dentist… “I’m fine now, I’m sure it’s ok”….. but if it’s not and you didn’t seek any medical attention, your workers compensation insurance won’t cover you…. so swallow your pride and go see the damn doctor. It’s not like it’ll cost you anything (Canada) and we have extended health benefits that cover 80% of the dentist costs too. Just humour me and go see the medical people who will allow you to get compensated if 5 months later you need a root canal because the impact killed the root…sigh

    • emmers

      Yes! I don’t know how it is in Canada, but I was in a minor car accident recently, and went to see the dr immediately, even though my pain wasn’t that bad. It took a surprisingly long time to recover from, and because I’d established that initial visit, I was able to get the other people to cover my subsequent physical therapy.

      • Seriously, just see thedamn Dr

        Basic principle of insurance is the same for sure! Ugh can you pls phone him and persuade him :P because so far he is just saying i am being overprotective (which like, yeah sure hahahah i do care)…. but I actually have some background in law and I know that this is how you CYA….. silly man….

        • emmers

          Can you do some googling, and find some good online advice to show him? And I’d emphasize that yea, you’re being protective cuz you care about him, but also because it will be so much better if they pay for future care (if needed) instead of you two. You can explain that it may end up not mattering (because hopefully he’s right and it’s minor and won’t flare up anything later), but if it does matter and there end up being future health things, this can really help.

          • Seriously, just see thedamn Dr

            We have extended health plus Canadian healthcare so the only real risk we have is lost wages… which is admittedly a long shot in this case…. but if it happens it’s not good haha. Yeah I may lay down some take-care-of-your-family-by-taking-care-of-yourself guilt tonight. Thanks hahaha

    • Katelyn

      Ugh, what is with people and not seeing a doctor (especially for free)? It’ll be a 10 minute appointment!

      I slipped and fell at work once – rainy day + poor traction on my shoes – and they required you to notify HR within 24 hours about the incident. So he should check the employee handbook to see what the reporting requirements are. In my case, everything was OK, but I have back problems and it could have been thousands of dollars if I had been injured.

    • Jess

      Your user name pretty much sums up my response to this.

  • AP

    Loves! I’ve been M.I.A. for the last few Happy Hours because I’ve been BUSY y’all. Career and life successes to share:

    – A few weeks ago I hosted an event on a religiously-affiliated university campus featuring Dr. Willie Parker, a Christian who provides abortions “because of his faith, not in spite of it.” Check out his book Life’s Work, it’s amazing. We had over 50 people from a variety of faith backgrounds attend this event to hear him speak and get a copy of his book. Also? I live in the reddest-of-red and most-religious-state-in-the-country. This event was almost 2 years on the making, and (yes, I’ll say it) I made it happen. With lots of help and love and support, but still.

    – My organization was awarded full funding for another 2 years of work! This means I get to keep on doing alllll the advocating for reproductive rights, comprehensive sex ed, and gender equity in faith communities that I’ve been doing the last 3 years. Woohoo!

    – I passed the halfway point in my pregnancy! It’s been a total trip being pregnant while doing reproductive rights work, and I love it. I want every person with a uterus to be able to decide if/when/how or not to have children and then parent the children they have in safety with everything they need to support them, no ifs, ands, or buts!

    Also I started therapy for anxiety this week:) Happy Friday, y’all!

    • ssha

      I just read a piece about Willie Parker, SO INTERESTING!
      Congrats on all your successes!! :D

      • AP

        He’s really incredible and bringing a much-needed voice and perspective to the fight for reproductive justice.

        • ssha

          Totally agree! It was super refreshing to read. One point that sticks with me is his point about adoption not being an alternative to abortion, but a false equivalency. “the woman has to decide whether she’ll carry the pregnancy, and IF she decides to carry it then she can decide about adoption or raising the child.” or something like that. I always wonder what to say when people bring up this point, so it was a super helpful and no-nonsense way to think about it.

          • AP

            Yeah, whenever someone says, “she can always just go the adoption route” I’m always like what about the 9 months before that, the delivery, and allllll the complexities around that? It totally removes the woman from the equation and centers the entire decision around the fetus. I love that he always comes back to centering women in the conversation about abortion.

          • ssha

            Yesss! As if pregnancy is easy and cheap.

          • BSM

            Obviously that argument always sat poorly with me, but, since actually being pregnant, my husband and I frequently talk about how FUCKING INSANE that is. It is or can be dangerous, expensive, time-consuming, exhausting, isolating, damaging to your career, and so much more to be pregnant. Adoption is in no way a solution for people who don’t want to or cannot take on everything that comes along with pregnancy other than having a baby at the end.

          • AP

            YES to all of this. Being pregnant has absolutely reinforced to me that no person should have to be pregnant if they don’t want to be.

            And the “damaging to your career” part is ringing especially true today, as I turn down the opportunity to attend a tech training for women leaders of social justice orgs because it’s on the other side of the country 4 weeks before my due date.

          • Sarah Jane

            The damaging to your career part really hit me today – I’m going over my maternity leave options, and it’s making me more than a little crazy that my option is either to request advanced leave that will take me 3 years to pay back, or take unpaid leave for a max of 12 weeks. Meanwhile, my husband gets a paternity leave package of 12 weeks FULLY PAID. Like, I’m happy for him and us and everything, but when I compared it to my leave options, I had a few choice words lol.

          • Angela’s Back

            In my state, private sector employees now get paid maternity leave (not sure how much) but public sector employees don’t… guess which one I am. Womp womp :( Maybe if I have a daughter, *she’ll* get paid maternity leave.

          • Sarah Jane

            yeah, I’m a public employee, so no paid leave for me. My husband works for a really big company and this is a new program that they introduced right after he was offered a job. Needless to say, he’s really excited. Fingers crossed that there’s hope for the next generation!!

          • Eenie

            Wait, that’s highly unusual (in the US) to get fully paid 12 week paternity leave!! My husband is pumped about his 4 weeks.

            I’m sorry you have two tough choices for your leave options.

          • Sarah Jane

            Thanks! yeah, it’s a new program his company put in place, and he’s really excited. If only one parent works for the company, then they can take the whole 12 weeks, and if both parents work for the company, they have the option of splitting it up – either both parents taking leave at the same time, or parent 1 stays home for x weeks and then parent 2 stays home for x weeks, however they want to work it. It’s really awesome.

          • Eenie

            So jealous.

          • Another Meg

            OMFG yes to the damaging to your career. I took 10 weeks unpaid leave, went back to work part time because my body isn’t back together yet, and then ended up hospitalized for 5 days and had to drop further down to just 3 days a week. My son was born on May 9 and I’m still not fully back to work.

            Beyond the career stuff (which still pisses me off. I LIKE my job.), if I didn’t have an understanding boss, a ridiculously competent medical team working together to get me better, and a well-paid husband to foot the bills so I could focus on recovery, I would LEGIT not be alive right now.

          • Melissa

            Google is paying 97$ per hour,with weekly payouts.You can also avail this.
            On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $11752 this last four weeks..with-out any doubt it’s the most-comfortable job I have ever done .. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
            !ka79d:
            ➽➽
            ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleLegitimateShareJobsFromHomeJobs/computer/jobs ★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫:::::!ka79lzzzz

    • OMG so jealous of the Willie Parker event! I would love to meet him and shake his hand and thank him for the work he’s doing for women, especially poor women of color.

    • AGCourtney

      I had the privilege of hearing Willie Parker speak at a sociology conference in 2015 – he’s so amazing. Congratulations on making that happen! Thank you for all the important work you do.

      Yay funding! Yay pregnancy! Yay therapy! <333

    • Cassy

      Thank you for your work! Coming from a very red state and a VERY religiously conservative area, I know how needed that event had to have been. Thank you so so much!

    • Jess

      – I read an interview of Dr. Willie Parker and I really respect the work he is doing and I’m so thankful you are willing to do the work to make that event happen. That is hard work and you deserve all the accolades and credit.

      – Congrats on funding!!!!

      – Yay pregnancy continuing and perspective!

      – DOUBLE YAY thearpy! I hope you get what you need from that experience.

    • Hannah

      You are an agent of hope and a change-maker. Thank you for sharing your recent successes and thank you for all the work you do.

      • AP

        Aw, thanks <3

    • uggggh

      this is amazing. I went to a conference of abortion providers and future abortion providers a couple of years ago and was blown away by the courage of those who do reproductive health/justice work in red states.

    • Jan

      SO COOL! And congrats on getting funding for another two years! I am equal parts happy for you and jealous! :P

    • suchbrightlights

      You inspire me. Well done on all fronts!

  • Eh

    I know it’s part of my inlaws narcissistic nature, but the contradicting messages are really getting to me. My inlaws try to visit on short notice, and we have repeatedly told them that we need more notice because we are busy and my husband’s work schedule. They have told us they understand (that they were once in our shoes) but that they will still keep trying just in case we are available. They have said they drop by other relatives houses all the time and it’s not a big deal for my inlaws if the person isn’t home, it’s a chance they take (note: most of their relatives live within a 15 min drive of their house, we live an hour away). They have told us that they don’t want us to change our plans for them; they want to drop by when we are available. They have also told us that if they were dropping by to give us a birthday card that they would just leave it in the mailbox if we weren’t home. All of this sounds very reasonable.

    During last week’s HH I said that my inlaws tried to drop by on my husband’s birthday but we had plans so they kept trying to find out when we would be available but since we were busy it didn’t work out. Well apparently my MIL is mad at us, and they have been telling people we told them we would be home at a specific time and we stood them up. My MIL also told people that all she wanted to do was give her son his card on his birthday. (One of my husband’s aunts told his cousin my inlaws’ side of the story and the aunt called us ungrateful.) They apparently sat in our driveway for at least half an hour (different accounts range from 30 to 60 mins). They never called or texted us while they were at our house, and while on the way to our house they missed a text from my husband saying that we weren’t going to be home anytime soon (when they finally saw that text they left). Then my FIL had to take my MIL out for an expensive supper (accounts range from $100 to $150 – but he told us he used a gift card) and then they went to the casino to forget their sorrows.

    When we saw them last weekend for Thanksgiving, my FIL told the story after supper to my BIL and SIL right in front of me and my husband. When he was done telling the story, I said that they need to give us more notice if they want to visit. He said that they have to get better at timing to see us. I made a comment that we had plans so there was no time to visit. He claimed that we never said we had plans. I said that my husband told his mother on the phone that we were at the amusement park when she called (that sounds like plans to me), and my husband added that he said we ‘might’ be home in a few hours – not that we would be home at a specific time. My MIL acted like that was news to her.

    TL;DR: Apparently my inalws do want us to change our plans, they won’t drop off a card at our house if we aren’t home, it is a big deal if they drop by and we aren’t home, and everything is about them (even my husband’s birthday).

    • anonymous

      This is so much your husband’s problem and not yours. Wash your hands of it and get him to pony up and sort it out. That’s his culture and his family and his birthday for crying out loud. He can figure out a working solution.

    • AP

      I saw your original HH post about your husband’s birthday and was so happy that it sounded like you had a great time and held firm boundaries. This development is bonkers, and I’m sorry you have to deal with it. Curious about how your husband reacted to all of this…one of the things I had to learn when setting boundaries with my mom is that when I first started enforcing them, I had to expect a tantrum. It sounds like your in-laws are having a complete tantrum. Hugs if you want them!

      • Amy March

        Right? The point of a boundary is that you decide what it is, and then you live it. At some point you need to develop a shrug and who cares attitude towards what they choose to do with the info you give them.

      • Eh

        My husband was on the verge of apologizing and I had to keep him from doing it since he did nothing wrong.

        • AP

          Augh, so glad he didn’t!! Good call there. My hope for you is that this gets easier with time and practice:)

          • p.

            Agreed. For me the hard part of setting boundaries is having to reiterate those boundaries over and over. What’s worked for me is to not focus on specific details and just stick with the boundary. For Eh, it might be: “We’ve told you many times that we need more advance notice if you are planning to come by, and this is why.”

          • Eh

            I agree that sticking with the boundary is a good strategy. My husband has a hard time being direct with his parents. For his birthday he did a good job. He was really upset about what happened but also didn’t want his mom to be upset. His parents like to hear what they want.

    • AGCourtney

      UGHHHHHHH.

      • rg223

        X 1000. Eh, I really respect you for dealing with your in-laws and not completely losing it on them all the time (because I would).

    • Jess

      NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Things were getting better… Pour one out for Eh’s recent gains with the IL’s.

      • Eh

        Smoke and mirrors. We think things are getting better but it is more the same. At least we know that we have to keep our boundaries solid.

        • Jess

          Never let your guard down.

    • Ugh, DREADFUL. Possible silver lining, if they have enough times sitting in your drive way for an hour, maybe it will provide a disincentive for future unannounced drop ins?

      • Eh

        Hopefully! That was part of their story that made no sense to me. I wouldn’t wait that long for someone without trying to get a hold of them. They both have cell phones. We both have cell phones. They had a text waiting on their cell that said we weren’t going to be home.

  • Jenny

    Ugh, I’ve been in a funk since reading yesterday’s how to have a kid free wedding comments. Apparently now that I’m a parent I’m unable to decide for myself whether I’d have more fun leaving my kids at home? Just because you invite my kid(s) doesn’t mean I will bring them. Look, if you want to have a kid free wedding, that’s fine. I’m always a little sad that my kid wasn’t invited, but I understand that sometimes it doesn’t work. But not inviting my kid doesn’t mean that you will either have my full attention at your wedding, or that I will have a better time.

    • savannnah

      I’m not sure this will help but I think that the vast majority of people use “i want your full attention’ and ‘you will have a better time’ as excuses or rationale for a kid free wedding- since it’s become a decision you might have to defend. People *should* be comfortable saying ‘we want an adult only wedding’ and leave it at that- but a lot of people are not as direct as they could be and many are non-confrontational for better or worse. Sorry about your funk!

      • Jenny

        I know. It’s a irrational funk really, and mostly related to a general funk about the state of the world. Mostly just a vent because I was surprised to see so many people using the rationale that it would be easier for the parent if the kid just wasn’t invited.

        • p.

          I missed that discussion but to me, it’s simply about supporting the choices of the couple getting married — regardless of the reasons behind that choice.

        • Kalë

          I definitely agree with the above poster and gotta cop to it… this is rationale/defense that we are using to avoid being like “look we love you but we don’t love (most) kids and so many of y’all have kids that we couldn’t just invite the 4 we actually like and that do behave and leave out the other 20. Plus we don’t want to pay extra $ for seats and meals for people we don’t want there.” That is our reasoning for our wedding personally and I’m not saying those in your situation also feel way but it is way easier to justify with “oh we thought you guys might want a night off” than offend with the truth, even a less blunt version of what I said above. Lots of love though and sorry you are feeling the suckiness of this!

    • Amy March

      That wasn’t the tone of the vast majority of comments.

    • Katie

      I hear you. I completely understand that no kids attending does not necessarily mean you will have a grand time or you will be “fully present”. I was thinking about this same question yesterday, when we had yet another fight about this with my husband. I guess I don’t want kids there for different reasons: 1) the space is not kid-friendly, and they will be bored and cause chaos 2) if we invite everybody’s kids, they’ll be 1/3 of the guest list, and the dynamic will be totally different 3) I want just one party where kids are not the center of attention (all other parties we have are always described as “chaotic” because of the people unable to have a conversation). So yeah, I guess there’re always different reasons for not inviting kids!

    • Jess

      The thing is, it’s mostly just a line people use to make themselves feel a little better (“Well, this way you won’t have to be distracted!” or “We wanted everyone to be able to have fun!”) because they know it’s generally a hassle and it’s kind of uncool to not invite a whole family. I had a no-kids wedding. I know it wan’t super awesome of me.

      Sometimes people feel like they have to justify it because so many people push back on them. Sometimes people really are angling for things to be “like they used to be” before their friends had kids. Sometimes people say it enough that they really believe it’s the best choice.

      It is still a pretty crap line in general. It discounts whatever your experience is leaving your kids, and it takes away your ability to choose what the best option is to you.

      • Mrs H

        I just want to push back on the idea that it’s ‘uncool’ to have a no-kids wedding. It’s not! It’s just a guest list choice like any other. I have kids and it would not bother me one little bit if they weren’t invited. Of course it might affect my ability to attend (although probably not), but I would never think badly of the couple.

    • emilyg25

      Yeah, I’m totally fine with kid-free weddings, but if that’s what you want, just say it. Don’t make it about me. (Although I didn’t get this vibe from the comments yesterday.)

  • theteenygirl

    So a number of years ago I donated my long hair, and while I’m really happy that I did it… I subsequently got the worst haircut ever. Ever since, I’ve sworn I’ll never have short hair again.

    So I’ve been rocking waist length hair for the past few years and I have such a love/hate relationship with it. I LOVE my hair – the texture, the length, the style, my full bangs, the colour.. everything. Except.. now I’m trying to focus on my career and I’m starting to wonder..

    Is my long hair unprofessional?

    When I go to client meetings I am always so obviously the youngest person in the room, and I’m wondering if my long “hippie hair” makes me look younger and unprofessional. I’m constantly asked by clients if I’m the intern, or what I’m studying in school. I’m considering donating my hair again (10-14″) to try out a shorter style, hoping to make me look older. But I also don’t want to get rid of my hair that I love.

    • Can you wear it up during client meetings, so that they can’t see the length?

      ETA: I think the “unprofessional” barometer is going to depend on your industry and how conservative it is. But if you’re getting comments, especially comments that make it seem like you’re younger or less experienced, it could be considered unprofessional by some in your workplace.

      • theteenygirl

        Thanks. I do wear it up sometimes, but the length and volume means it’s not an “all day” option. It’s just such a battle between what I like and what makes me feel beautiful and what might be holding me back career-wise…

    • PAJane aka Awesome Tits
    • Amy March

      Your hair as it grows out of your head is never unprofessional. But you’re right, waist length hair isn’t going to make you look older. There’s a lot of length between waist and short though- does it need to be a drastic change? What about bra band length and if you like it then shoulder length?

      • Eenie

        Yes, I agree. Bra length would get most of the benefits described above but without the bad short hair cut issues.

      • Katharine Parker

        Good point. As an example, Amal Clooney has long hair and looks v professional when working. (Also v beautiful.)

        • theteenygirl

          An excellent point!

      • theteenygirl

        I think I just figured if I’m going to cut it, may as well cut it enough to donate. Maybe i”ll just do the minimum 8″ though.. that will keep it longer than shoulder length…

    • Abs

      I worry about the same thing–mine isn’t quite that long, but it is very curly, so it’s kind of a presence. I always wear it back in a bun to work, which I think is fine. I also keep an eye out at professional conferences for what a friend and I called “aspirational manes”–older women who are rocking a similar hair texture to yours.

      • theteenygirl

        I love that.. “aspirational manes”! So far I haven’t met any women who have what I consider to be long hair, and even then all the ones I know with longish hair either straighten or curl it. I don’t use heat on my hair (one of the reasons it’s so long AND healthy!).. but now I’m going to keep an eye out!

    • Essssss

      I have big, long hair and always wear it up in a tight simple bun at work meetings for this reason. Only my close colleagues get to see mad scientist hair look. Not down for cutting it, but I always pull it back. That’s my compromise. Also, if you’re younger, you’re just gonna get those questions no matter what sometimes. In my mind, its somewhat up to others to notice and start questioning their assumptions, but are there other things you can do to exert your position, like introducing yourself to the clients up front with your name and position?

      • theteenygirl

        Don’t you find that it hurts you head though?? When I wear my hair in a ponytail or bun I end up with a terrible headache. The only compromise I’ve been able to find is a french braid.

        • Essssss

          Bummer. It doesn’t bother me. Maybe there is some nice french braid style with the braid part tucked or wrapped?

        • Rose

          I find that buns sometimes give me a headache, but not always. For me, the variables are:
          1. Whether I put it in a ponytail and then wrap it around–usually doing it without the ponytail elastic is more comfortable.
          2. Where the bun is on my head. I’ve found that I can take it if it’s low right at the back of my neck, or if it’s really high. But if it’s in the middle of the back of my head all the weight pulls, and I get a headache within about 10 minutes. It’s annoying, because the spot where I can’t put it is the one that I think would look best, but figuring that out helped me get less headaches, at least.

          • theteenygirl

            I think I’ll just have to practice…I literally never wear my hair up unless I’m eating. I wore my hair all up for my wedding and it felt super weird!

          • Rose

            Practice definitely helps! My sister, who also has long hair and always has it up at work (she works with young children) has a Ficcare, which she loves; https://www.ficcare.com. They’re pricy, but supposed to be really high quality and work really well.

          • Eenie

            I’m intrigued with how this works! Does your sister have a lot of hair? I can’t imagine this would secure my hair.

          • Rose

            Her/our hair is quite long (about to her hips), and medium thick. That is, the actual hairs are quite fine, but on the wavy side and with a fair amoung of volume/frizz. The way the clip is shaped, it has a fair amoung of space under the curve, and long teeth, and a strong spring. They’re supposed to work really well with a lot of hair–much better than most clips.

          • Eenie

            I might get one of these for my birthday to try out! I hate how the elastics cause breakage and I wear my hair up 80% of the time.

          • Rose

            I’m glad that this thread reminded me about them, because now I’m thinking I might get myself one too!

          • Eenie

            I’m so skeptical of their sizing chart – who has a 2.5″ diameter pony tail?!

          • theteenygirl

            100% my mum. Her hair is so thick (both the amount, and the actual hairs themselves) that she can put her hair in a ponytail, dive UNDERWATER, come back up, take the ponytail out.. and the inside of her hair is still dry. It’s absolutely incredible. She’s like an otter.

          • lamarsh

            This is my mom too (and I unfortunately did not inherit it). She has a bob haircut, but has an undercut (that you would never see) because otherwise it’s too thick. When my bridesmaids saw it when we were all getting our hair done together, they were all like, your mom is secretly so cool. Haha.

          • theteenygirl

            My mum got an undercut about a year ago!! Except because her hair is so curly too it ended up not working for her. Haha we can’t let the world know how cool our moms are.

          • theteenygirl

            Wow these are all beautiful!! My mum has hair to just under her shoulders but it’s three times as thick as mine.. I actually thing some of these might hold her hair. Birthday present!

            Thanks!

          • Eenie

            FYI – pony diameter means circumference.

    • Rose

      Ohhh, I’ve been thinking about the same thing. I’ve always had long hair and I do NOT want to cut it, but I’m also just getting started professionally in an area where unconscious bias against young women has been amply demonstrated (students give young female professors significantly lower evaluations, even on course material that is literally identical to what male professors use). So I’ve been trying to figure out whether I should wear it down at all or not (which I am right now, so I guess that decision’s been made, really), and whether I’d come across as more professional if I got a shorter cut.

      On the other hand, I also know new male faculty and female faculty with shorter hair who get mistaken for students about as frequently as I do, so I’m not sure if the hair is making that much difference or not.

      • theteenygirl

        It’s such a weird conundrum to be in! On one hand I’m like, okay this is me.. take it or leave it because I love my hair and think it’s my best feature and I’m super proud of it. And on the other hand I’m like, well maybe i should “grow up” and get an “adult” haircut.

    • mjh

      My hair is curly and waist length, tailbone length if I pull it straight. I’ve heard it said that curly hair is unprofessional and that long hair is unprofessional (separately), and I wholly disagree with both. If you want to keep your hair long, I see no reason why you couldn’t while still looking professional.

      I do think that wearing hair up can help look older and more put together. Do you use hair sticks and/or hair forks? I don’t know what you usually do when you put your hair up, but there are lots of buns for waist+ length hair that take two minutes or less to do and look really nice and professional. My go buns take me like 30 seconds and I often get compliments – just saying to give the example that quick and easy doesn’t mean it looks simple.

  • ssha

    Heard back from two places I interviewed that I didn’t get either job. I’m sad because one of them was one I really wanted, and seemed like a perfect fit, and I’m even more sad that it felt like I was making progress on my job search (multiple interviews!!) and now it’s back to the drawing board. It’s insecurity city over here, and I might go batshit insane if I’m unemployed for much longer.

    • rg223

      Ugh I’m sorry! Job searching is so hard. I hope more opportunities come your way soon!

      • ssha

        Thank you!

    • Eenie

      Unemployment really screws with your mind.

      • ssha

        YES.

    • Cellistec

      Ugh, I’m so sorry. Hope you can take the weekend to relax and regroup.

    • Abs

      I’m so sorry–job searching is the worst, most crazy-making thing ever. I wish I had coping strategies to share, but I really, really don’t, as I’m not coping so well either.

      • ssha

        thank you. Solidarity.

    • AP

      Aw dang, that sucks. Be extra nice to yourself this weekend!!

    • mjh

      Ah, I’m sorry to hear that. I think job searching is one of those things in life that *sucks* until it doesn’t anymore (cuz it’s over and you got the job). I feel like we can’t necessarily gauge if we’re moving in the right direction or making progress, we just soldier on til we win. Hoping your fit comes quickly.

      • ssha

        So true, unfortunately. Thanks!

  • BSM

    Update to my breech baby saga:

    I “tried” a version yesterday, but ended up having a really bad reaction to the medicine they give you to relax your uterus. My BP plummeted and so did baby’s, and I kind of passed out, so we were rushed to the OR and almost had an emergency c-section right there. After camping out in the OR for a bit, we both bounced back pretty well, and, after a few more hours of monitoring, we were told everything was A-OK and discharged. It was intense, but I’m thankful that I felt like we were in good hands the entire time.

    So, we are not going to try that again and have instead scheduled a c-section, which I am totally OK with. Looking forward to meeting our little guy (hopefully) at a planned date and time under as little stress as possible.

    Any c-section recovery tips much appreciated. Also any ideas on a newborn Halloween outfit/costume?

    • Violet

      Scary! I’m glad you and the little dude are doing okay!

      • BSM

        Thanks, me too! I was pretty calm the whole time, but my husband was sure we were going to have the baby. I’m SO glad we didn’t because, for one, there wouldn’t have been time for an epidural or spinal and they would have had to fully put me under. Obviously our health and safety is #1, but that would have definitely been kind of a bummer to not have either of us able to witness the birth.

        • Violet

          Wowza! That would have been an additional bummer on top of a tense situation. It’s very reassuring that you had a good experience with the medical team. Kind of like a dry run. ; )

          • BSM

            Haha, yes. We were considering the drive to the hospital our test run (since we usually take public transportation for any appointments there). Got a leeeeeetle more of a test than we had bargained for 🙃

    • rg223

      Oh gosh, I’m glad you guys are okay now! You must be due soon, so hope all goes smoothly!

      Halloween costumes: my son was a Chipotle burrito for Halloween when he was a month old. We took him to Chipotle and people freaked. out. It was so fun! But my actual recommendation is to use the fact that they won’t move around to your advantage – next year your kid might be running around and you can’t use the cute “onesie” outfits anymore, or wrap them in tin foil (whatever floats your boat!)

      • BSM

        Thank you!

        Omg, Chipotle burrito is amazing. We’ve definitely been leaning towards a food of some kind, but maybe I was thinking too small with a simple fruit getup. Now I’m kind of leaning towards having him be an onigiri (Japanese rice ball), but that also means making a costume. Laziness vs. adorableness…

      • ART

        Please tell me he got the free or discounted burrito?! I always get that email and think “who would dress up as a burrito?” :D

        • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

          If having babies results in free burritos, maybe I’ll change my mind and have some.

        • rg223

          Hehehe, around here you get discount burritos on Halloween if you dress to a theme, and my husband and I did so they were already discounted! The theme was like “one thing off” or “mismatched costumes” or something, and I was a hippie football player.

    • ART

      Ack! Glad you are both OK, that sounds really scary. Ours will miss this Halloween, but next year we’re thinking Tribble. With us obviously Starfleet officers.

    • OMG! So glad to hear that you and baby are doing ok!

      My c-section tips:
      *bring lots of comfy pants that you can wear over your incision to keep pressure of it.
      *You will want to start moving around as soon as they let you, it will suck, and you’ll go slow, but you’ll be glad you moved sooner than later.
      *Wear the little waist cincher thing they give you, it helps with support.
      *TAKE YOUR MEDS ON SCHEDULE. Trust me. Rate your pain honestly, but at least when you’re in the hospital they are going to give you pain meds on schedule. Take them. They won’t interfere with breast feeding if that’s what you plan to do.
      *When you’re home, I hope you’ll have as much rest and help as you can get. I had my husband, my mom and my MIL through the first 3wks post partum, and being able to just sleep/nurse/rest/cuddle was very important to my recovery.
      *A pillow against your abs really does help if you need to sneeze or cough, but it will also be painful.
      *Keep your incision clean and dry – if you have any signs of opening or infection, get checked out right away!

      Best of luck and yay for getting to meet your little one soon!

      • BSM

        Thank you so much!

        Re: pants, do I just need to avoid having the waistband resting on my incision or should I avoid any/all fabric touching it? Like, are high-waisted leggings OK, or do I need to get wild with some gaucho pants?

        • I think it’s all going to depend on your comfort level. I wore the loose cotton sleep pants (even stocked up before I delivered, and I was so glad I did) cause I didn’t like anything providing any level of pressure on my belly. Try it and see.

          • BSM

            Thanks. A few of those exact PJ pants somehow fell into my cart at Target a couple weeks ago (how does that always happen?), so I think I’m in good shape 😉

      • Mrs H

        And on the the pain meds-be honest about the pain you’re in. I didn’t even have a c-section, but with my firstborn child I had a lot of internal tearing (I pushed for three hours and my little guy was clinging on in there!), but I downplayed the pain and essentially went home unable to sit or lie down, with no pain medication, because I thought it was normal.
        With my second child, I had an episiotomy and a hematoma from the forceps and I told them straight away how much it hurt, they gave me meds straight away and a prescription to go home with. It made the whole experience so much easier.

      • Mrs H

        And on the the pain meds-be honest about the pain you’re in. I didn’t even have a c-section, but with my firstborn child I had a lot of internal tearing (I pushed for three hours and my little guy was clinging on in there!), but I downplayed the pain and essentially went home unable to sit or lie down, with no pain medication, because I thought it was normal.
        With my second child, I had an episiotomy and a hematoma from the forceps and I told them straight away how much it hurt, they gave me meds straight away and a prescription to go home with. It made the whole experience so much easier.

    • Kat

      A Porg! Dress him like a Porg! (Idk if this is a reasonable request but OH man I want to see this costume this year.) https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/3a4e0e5737947545f08897848ddca964c45bd4d9298491af3db1ac209bf26fa4.png

    • Eenie

      I would recommend not investing too much time/money into the costume in the event that you don’t feel like doing it. An easy one is an pumpkin costume!

      • BSM

        That sounds very practical and realistic :)

    • mjh

      Scary! I’m so glad you guys are okay.

      As for costumes, my niece was a chili pepper her first halloween (she was in a little bunting sack that looked like one). A cheap and easy homemade option is having baby be a bag of flour- just write flour on a white bunting sack.

    • Breech Twice!

      So glad that you are okay!! That is a scary situation. Jubilance covered the c-section tips well. She is correct that TAKE YOUR MEDS should be in all caps, and I definitely agree with prioritizing moving around very, very, very slowly as soon as they let you. And resting as much as you can when you are home. Also, don’t let anyone guilt you into not sending your kid to the nursery so you can sleep (even if you are breastfeeding).

  • Eenie

    Last week my husband got to go to a CASTLE WINERY (no he did not bring me) for a work “leadership” retreat. I thought it was a boondoggle/team building thing (on an all male team). I thought he’d have some fun.

    Turns out it was actually a really good course on leadership. His grandboss led the training, and it focused on different communication types and the different types of leaders.

    Part of it included envisioning your perfect life – thinking about a six month time period at some point in the future and what that looks like. Part of his homework was to discuss this vision with his family to get their input. He told me he never really realized it before, but I always talk about what our future should look like, ask him questions to think about it, and he realized he had a pretty good vision of his perfect life without needing to discuss too much. He went over what he’d written down, and it all lined up with what we’d been talking about all these years.

    It was just a really nice feeling that he acknowledged the emotional labor that I do, and that we are on the same page with life.

  • Sarah Jane

    Happy Friday the 13th!!
    My MIL is getting married tomorrow, and my Rent-The-runway dress showed up yesterday, and it is ahhhmazing. I love it, and I was so nervous about getting it because of the whole pregnancy thing, but man, it’s gorgeous.
    Has anyone had any experience with enforcing boundaries around childbirth? My mom think that she’s going to be in the delivery room with me, and I keep telling her that’s not the case, and she keeps insisting otherwise. Favorite sayings include “You’ll want me in there when you get to the hard part” and “You’ll change your mind day of!”
    Context – she was in the room and was actively involved for my daughter’s birth 6 years ago (before I met my husband), and at the time, it was what I needed and she was amazing. This time around, however…my husband and I are super excited and feel that we (me) would like to keep this moment between us, and have family visit after I get a chance to eat and shower etc. Plus, I would rather have my mom taking care of my firstborn (but she insists my dad can do that part, because obviously she will be too busy helping me.)
    So my real question is, how do I make it clear to my mom that while I really appreciated her the first time around, I would rather her not be involved this time, without hurting her feelings?

    • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

      It sounds like you already did, and she just doesn’t want to hear it. Tell the hospital staff what’s going on, I’m sure this happens all the time.

      • Violet

        Yep, this sounds like, “Asked and answered,” to me. She’s asked, Sarah Jane answered, there are no magic words, just telling hospital staff. (I’d normally suggest not letting her know when you go into labor, but if she’s your childcare, that’s not an option.)

        • Sarah Jane

          Yeah, I think the plan is just to tell her it’s happening, we need her to pick up our daughter, and we will keep her updated to the best of our ability. We are still a few months out, so I’ve got plenty of time to talk to the doctors etc. thanks!

      • Sarah Jane

        That’s kind of what I figured, I can’t be the first person in the world to deal with this! Thanks!

    • BSM

      Have you had a frank conversation with her where you explicitly tell her what the plan is (it sounds like you have)? If you have and she brings it up again, just repeat that you’ve already talked about this, it is no longer up for discussion, and change the subject or end the conversation.

      If you’re at all worried that she would knowingly go against your wishes, make sure to check with your hospital on their visitation policy and, when you’re admitted, let everyone know that you don’t want to know if she shows up and she’s not allowed in until you say so.

      Sorry she’s not listening to you :(

      • Sarah Jane

        I have, a few times, and she insists she knows best. We are getting a tour of the hospital in a few weeks, and I’ll figure out what their visitation policy is. Thanks for the advice!

        • BSM

          That’s super frustrating, especially with her framing it that way. Hopefully if you keep repeating it, eventually it will sink in. Otherwise, I’ve heard hospitals and nurses are great at enforcing those rules for you!

    • rg223

      BSM basically covered everything I was going to say, but adding: she’s probably going to have hurt feelings no matter what, but that’s her thing to deal with on her own. You are making the right choice for your family at this time, when having her there was the right choice in the past, and that’s all perfectly reasonable. Hope a sit-down chat gets through to her!

      • Sarah Jane

        Thank you! I’m hoping the cute baby at the end of it all will help with any hurt feelings, lol.

    • MC

      I don’t know how you’ve framed it to her when you’ve talked to her about it in the past, but if you haven’t already I would try framing it as, “I’m so grateful that you were there for my last birth, I so appreciated having you there for that special time. Husband hasn’t got to experience that yet and we really want to have that experience just the two of us. Thanks to you I know how much of a special moment it can be to share with someone else!” Effusive praise + compliment sandwich might help reframe it for her?

    • Mrs H

      You have to super clear. ‘No mom, husband and I will be the only ones in the room.’ And tell your midwife-they’re great at running interference.

  • overitatx

    A week until the wedding (next Saturday!!) and one of the groomsmen may possibly be dropping out due to financial reasons (we find out for sure today) AND the airbnb my FSIL and FMIL were going to be staying in cancelled on them. The owner’s decided to pull their property off the site as they’re planning to list it for sale. Thankfully they were able to find other accommodations as our hotel is completely booked up and ACL/F1 Racing are all occurring right now into next week.

    I’m also at work through next Tuesday before everyone starts flying in on Wednesday and I keep remembering things I need to get done. It’ll all happen.. for the most part, but man am I looking forward to that pre-wedding massage Wednesday morning. Ahhhh.

    • Jess

      Pre-wedding massage is where it is at!!! Good luck, and I’m glad the FIL’s were able to get a place to stay.

    • suchbrightlights

      Hello same date friend! I am also doing a Wednesday massage and it is going to be wonderful. I am sorry about your logistical nightmares. If this is the worst thing that happens you’ll have a good story in a year.

      • overitatx

        Great minds and all that!!

  • Katie

    Our house is finally starting to look like home! Hopefully just 1 week until we move!

    The kitchen+laundry room floor is done (sneak peek below), tomorrow it will be all sanding and refinishing the hardwoods. Any tips on how to DIY in 3 days, not mess up and survive?

    Also, any recommendations of house projects you took on and loved them are much appreciated!!! I have such an itch to start doing things already! (not that I don’t have an extensive list of must-do things already – just always looking for any improvements) https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/11036089e1d5af26701e0fe98861d18af7c6d4b525110bcd73ed5d642fc2bb4e.jpg

  • Aimee

    Anyone in the bay area have day-of-coordination recommendations? How much should we expect to pay for one? Our wedding isn’t particularly large or complex but I don’t have a friend in mind who could do it.

    • Zoya

      The planner we worked with charges $1800 for DOC (or “month of”) services, which was about the lowest rate we found (and the same as several other planners we talked to). Jessica Franklin with Dreams on a Dime–she was great!

  • Angela’s Back

    Happy Friday the 13th!! When it happens in October it’s like mini Halloween (Purim katan? haha) and I can eat a ton of candy, right? Super excited for Halloween this year, Mr. Angela and I are actually going out for a costume pub crawl instead of staying home and watching our favorite scary movies like we usually do, and I just got all the makeup for my Elvira-lite costume! Lite because I’m doing the wig and the makeup, but sticking with black leggings and a leather jacket for wardrobe rather than the dress because I don’t want to freeze to death and I don’t have a good enough pushup bra to achieve Elvira boobs. Although if Meg spills the gaffer tape secrets, maybe I can…

  • Laura C

    You guys, I’m kind of having a panic attack. Like two days ago my husband’s cousin calls and says that a clock shop has called and will be delivering my MIL’s grandmother clock to him unless we say we want it. So we’re like well, in the long run we probably want it so we might as well get it now before we’re totally settled in to this apartment. Fine, we’ll take it. Oh, by the way, they’ll need a $2500 check — they don’t take credit cards. Turns out though that my MIL, who is still in India for we don’t know how long, has left signed checks, so we can use one of those. Anyway today it arrives while my husband is out at lunch with an important contact, both of us totally having forgotten this is happening and him not having left the signed check, so I had to write a check from our account and then quickly log in to see if I needed to move money from savings.

    Oh, and it’s a grandFATHER clock that won’t fit in either of the places we planned to put it because the ceiling is a little lower in those places and this thing is HUGE. And it’s from 1750, and now it’s in the only place I could think to put it, which is the study/guestroom where Ikea furniture goes to die. And I don’t even like it that much! Honestly I might think it’s kind of ugly? I agreed to take it because I thought it was way smaller than it is and in my MIL’s formal living room (with, apparently, much higher ceilings than I’d realized) it just didn’t seem that significant, so sure, we can take it. But now I can just feel it looming over me being all expensive and enormous and antique. Literally it’s looming over me, thanks to having had to put it in this room.

    On the bright side we survived India and we’re home now.

    • Les

      Silly story for you: Went to this historic Custom House in Sag Harbor, and the original occupants had the same problem as you (huge clock) so they cut a hole in their ceiling. I don’t recommend this, but at least you’re not alone?

  • Katharine Parker

    This week my husband and I were watching tv and someone said, “marriage is a struggle.” He turned to me and said, “you know, life can be a struggle, but our relationship never is.” It was so incredibly sweet, especially since life has been a struggle lately and he’s been such a source of support and joy.

    So, partner appreciation thread?

    • Kaitlyn

      I love partner appreciation threads! Since I broke my foot two weeks ago, John has to do all the heavy lifting around the apartment (cooking dinner, cleaning, etc) as I’m not allowed to put any weight on my foot. I was v upset last weekend because I felt so helpless and like a burden and he was very reassuring that I was not a burden and happy to help :)

    • Katie

      Yesterday my husband and I got almost into a screaming match (that rarely happens), he behaved like a child, I broke into tears… It was ugly. Twenty minutes later we talked it out and it made me almost forget about the whole incident. Life has been so blah lately, despite the new house and new job. It’s like a have a cold, but emotional: just always in a funk. I paid less attention to my husband and more to my own misery. But every now and then I am reminded how lucky I am to have him in my life, to support me and be my best friend through the tough times <3

    • savannnah

      My husband has been on a work trip for 3 out of the 5 weeks we have been married but every time he calls or texts he starts it with ‘hello my bride”. He knows my parents, after 31 years of marriage have each other in their phones as ‘my bride and ‘the groom’ and I’m not usually too sappy but I just melt.

    • rg223

      My husband has been doing so much of my usual load (including emotional labor) right now so that I can take on a bunch of freelance projects. His work has been rough for the last month too, so I really appreciate what he’s doing. Love this thread!

    • Katie

      And, not to play devil’s advocate, but I find “marriage is a struggle” sentiments helpful. For a long time, I was surrounded by notions of marriage as being a cake walk, constant butterflies and just pure joy. Oh boy, it is not always like that. I can’t describe how relieved I felt once I started reading real couples’ stories about their marriages and how different everyone’s “normal” is. So, whenever we’re having a hard time, I remind myself that it is only natural: life cannot be a constant bliss.

      • Abs

        Yeah, there’s no one I’m totally in love and obsessed with 24/7, except the cat, and that’s not even true because he’s been pooping on the couch lately.

        • AP

          Genuinely LOLing over this

        • Zoya

          Bahahaha substitute “peeing on the floor” and this is my life.

      • Katharine Parker

        Yeah, I wouldn’t want to be like, “nothing is ever hard about committing to another person.” Because sometimes that is hard! Sometimes we disagree on things and have fights. Sometimes one of us is annoying. Marriage is long. But in general, the struggles of life for us aren’t about being with each other, and it’s nice to affirm that.

      • Jan

        Yes to this. When we’re having a rough time, my mantra becomes “This moment is a struggle; not all of them will be.”

    • Abs

      So I recently crawled out from whatever rock I was living under and started watching the Great British Bake Off, and my partner found me watching, sat down next to me for five minutes, and then became obsessed and we’ve been binge-watching all of it together ever since. It’s pretty out of character for him, but he’s completely and utterly in love with this show, and it has been such a joy to watch it with him. It’s like, huh, I would never have predicted this, but clearly I picked the right one.

      • savannnah

        GBBO unites all.

      • Jenny

        LOVE GBBO! I watched it while nursing my kiddo many many long nights!

      • Cassy

        My favorite thing right now is snuggling with my fiance and watching this show. I don’t know why but it’s the most soothing and heartwarming experience!

        • ssha

          I keep saying it’s the most wholesome thing on Netflix.

          • Abs

            So true.

          • penguin

            Especially watching it right after something like MasterChef or Hell’s Kitchen – everyone is so nice! And supportive! And there aren’t any sirens or screaming! It’s really lovely.

        • rg223

          I think the people come off as so supportive of one another and sometimes super genuine friends. There was one season during the last episode where the second place finisher said something like, “Well, ______ already invited me and my family over for a party so I’m going to have to eat some of the winning bake there!” and my small heart grew three sizes that day.

          • Cassy

            @rg223:disqus happy tears ^_^ Seriously, the moments in which they all help each other during time crunches make me SO happy!

          • MC

            YES this is one of the cutest parts – they just forget that they are competing with each other and just want to help everyone do their best!

        • MC

          My husband and I watched all the episodes earlier this year and it made us feel so good about the world. It’s so different from US reality TV shows – everyone is so nice to each other and is just so happy to be baking. And there’s not even a cash prize!

          • Cellistec

            Is it available online somewhere? We have wifi but not network/cable TV.

          • Kaitlyn

            Netflix! I’m watching it now haha This thread inspired me to put it on in the background as I WFH

          • A single sarah

            Also on pbs if you are a passport member of your local station :)

      • Angela’s Back

        Totally got my husband on the RuPaul’s Drag Race train in the same way :D

        • penguin

          I still haven’t watched this show but I keep meaning to check it out.

          • Angela’s Back

            dooo iiiitttttt you will never regret it <3

    • Jenny

      My husband and I are apart (Aug-Dec) because I’m starting a new job in a new city and he’s finishing his degree. Because we were going to have a lot of change in our life we wanted to try and keep things consistent for our kid, so he’s been solo parenting (and finishing up his bachelors) M-Th. He’s really stepped up in a lot of ways, logistics etc. I’m just really feeling grateful to have someone who is so supportive and who I rely on.

    • BSM

      Awww, great idea.

      As I mentioned below, we had a bit of a scare yesterday at the hospital, and my husband was an amazing support, even though it must have been really scary for him, too. He could tell when something wasn’t right after I got the medication and jumped right into action. He helped me roll on my side and lifted up the back of my shirt to fan me and try to cool me off. He was talking to me and kept his hand on my shoulder until he got crowded out by medical staff. When they decided they needed to jam an IV in my hand, he told them I have shitty veins and that they should have the head anesthesiologist do it to make sure they got it on the first try. He petted my hair and made jokes and conversation to distract me while we waited in the OR. He took us to get giant acai bowls after the whole ordeal because that’s what I was craving. He finished putting basically all the rest of the baby stuff away when we got home, even though we were both exhausted.

      I feel so lucky to have him as a partner. And he is going to be (already is!) an amazing dad.

    • AP

      My husband woke me up with homemade waffles last week on our anniversary, with fresh fruit and whipped cream and everything <3 It was a Tuesday before we both had to work, and it was one of the nicest things he's ever done:)

    • Lisa

      Husband has been so busy with rehearsals, but I really appreciated the way that he’s trying to carve out some time to spend with me still. When I told him that I would have Friday off this week, he cancelled two of his Friday students so we could spend more time together, and he stayed up late on Wednesday to spend some of our anniversary together even though I could tell how exhausted he was.

      Also he’s in the kitchen making tomato sauce out of all the herbs and tomatoes we got in our CSA last week while I take a few minutes to say to you all. :)

    • Her Lindsayship

      So sweet! Last night I got drinks with a friend after work. Usually when I do that I end up getting home around the same time as my husband anyway, because he works later than I do. But yesterday he left work earlier, picked up some beer on the way home, straightened up the condo, lit a candle in the dining room and cooked dinner for us. AND did the dishes after. It wasn’t a special day for us or anything, he just felt like doing it, and didn’t try to make a big deal out of it either. (There was some discussion here recently about men expecting over-the-moon praise for doing things women do without batting an eye, so I was glad he didn’t take that route.) But I really did appreciate the effort, it made me feel very loved. Also, we did some classic kitchen slow dancing. Things are good.

      • Les

        Kitchen slow dancing > most other things

      • mjh

        <3

    • Arie

      Our first wedding anniversary was last weekend, and we celebrated by adopting another cat. As we were sitting in the humane society waiting area I nervously asked if what we were doing was nuts, and he said “no, this is exactly the life I always hoped I’d be living. This is like the ideal anniversary celebration.” I really appreciate how sure he is about everything; he decides something once and commits fully to it – including spontaneously adding another animal to the family!

      • Zoya

        Anniversary cat! Love this.

    • JLily

      My husband wrote me the SWEETEST bday card last week that included some specific reasons why he loves me (which I have asked from him in the past, since he is not super outwardly emotional and sometimes I’m not really sure why he likes me!) and then ended with a “can’t wait for all the birthdays we will celebrate together” type sentiment. He also drove me to work this week after my battery died, picked me up from a happy hour thing with coworkers, and then changed my battery in the dark later that night without a complaint or ounce of frustration. I feel extra lucky to have him lately.

      • Mary Jo TC

        I am so jealous of your birthday card. You’re a lucky gal!

    • I cannot rave enough about how amazing my husband is as a father. This past weekend I went on an overnight trip to Chicago with some friends, and my husband and daughter had such a good time hanging out together solo. He really is such an hands-on dad, which is exactly what I wanted from a partner.

      • mjh

        I know that’s not what this post is about, but it’s so hard for me to resist repping Chi :)

        I’m always glad to hear a mom talk about her doing her own thing while knowing baby is having great one on one time with dad and see that mom is comfortable and secure in dad’s caretaking. I wish it were the standard and hope it will be eventually.

    • Cassy

      I’m switching to a new job, that will require a lot more of me and be (refreshingly!) challenging professionally and mentally. (It’s at a military and criminal defense law firm, so I’m going to be working on some pretty challenging case files.) My fiance has been so encouraging of the job change, even though it means a pay cut, and truly helps me believe the best in myself. I’m so thankful for his emotional encouragement! Also the other week I told him that I needed more help planning cheap dates and he’s majorly stepped up, surprising me with homemade dinners, wine, movies, etc. I’m so grateful for his effort!

    • Rose

      My wife is not usually the most inclined towards housework, but I’ve been super busy with my new job and she’s currently unemployed, and she’s been doing almost all of it. Which is lovely! Every time I apologize for not doing the dishes, she says it’s ok. It’s also a really nice contrast to the last time I was working and she wasn’t (right after I started grad school), when I was still doing a lot of the household stuff. Oddly enough, in 6 years of living together, we’ve gotten better at it!

    • lamarsh

      My husband went with me to a performance of A Little Night Music last night even though his baseball team was playing in an elimination game. And he really liked it! (Which is good because all I want to do is listen to the soundtrack right now — <3 Sondheim.)

    • Sarah Jane

      Husband is going with his mom and her fiancé to a family party tonight, and it’s about 3 hours away from us and expected to go on till late. His mom said that he could spend the night there, instead of driving back home, but he said he would much rather come home to sleep next to me, even if only for a few hours. it was kind of unexpected, because I assumed he would sleep over, but it was really sweet.

      • Zoya

        My husband did this too, recently! He skipped a late-night event that would have had him out until the wee hours, even though he was excited about it, because he realized he wanted to stay home with me more.

    • emilyg25

      My husband has been working late a lot lately, and I find doing daycare dropoff, working, then doing pick up and making dinner with a cranky toddler who just wants Dada to be frankly miserable. As soon as my husband comes home, he jumps right in and takes over, cleans up dinner, puts the boy to bed, whatever, even though he wakes up for work at 3:30 am and has typically been on his feet for 12+ hours at that point. Also, he works 12+ hour days to help our family make ends meet.

    • Zoya

      What a wonderful thread! I could go on and on, but one specific thing: this summer has been rough for me health-wise, and my husband has been an incredible source of support. He remembers the complicated details of my medical stuff better than I do sometimes! I haven’t been the most fun to be around, but he’s bent over backwards to help me adjust, from meal planning to moral support to providing fun distractions. It’s just been such a relief to know (or be reminded) that he has my back so thoroughly.

    • Laura C

      My husband kept me sane through our India trip and on the days I really needed a nap he made sure I got one and every night when we got back to our hotel room he immediately got on the phone with room service and ordered drinks. (Or, every night but the day that the government had declared dry.) Each morning he took our son out for his one exposure to the outdoors of the day — otherwise we were literally in a car from the hotel to the apartment and then in the apartment all day — while I went to the hotel fitness center. It was an excruciatingly boring, pretty uncomfortable trip, but we got through it.

    • Rezia

      I’ve had some anxiety lately and it’s totally irrational but it makes me think everyone’s going to get tired of me. Two days ago I woke up with this anxiety cloud over my head and my husband held my hand and with no prompting, said, “you know I love you and want to grow old with you?” And that just made me feel so warmed and grateful and not alone. <3

    • Nell

      I’ve been struggling with a lot of sadness and bad news lately, and my wife has been a total champion – not just in saying supportive things, but in encouraging me to do things that are good for my health and well being. Yay for partners who encourage us to be our best selves!

    • mjh

      I’ll do one thing he always does that I appreciate and one specific incident.

      Constant- I’m a short sleeper and my husband sleeps a lot more than I do, so he always goes to bed before me. Whether I’m out or at home, he asks me to wake him up a little bit before I’m ready to go to bed so he can get up and get his head on right then talk in bed to end the night with me.

      Specific- I left for a solo trip last week and I had a long day followed by a night flight followed by an hour and a half drive and ended up getting to my room at 4 am. When I was pulling out my sleep stuff, I found a surprise letter from him talking about the ups and downs of the last week, how glad he is for our friendship and partnership, and just saying some of the usual type of chatting we’d do in bed on a normal night at home. He always packs me a little variety pack of herbal teas from my teas at home when I travel, so I read his letter in bed in my pajamas while sipping a cup of tea that he packed me, and it was a nice remote version of home snuggly intimacy.

    • Jan

      I’ve been dealing with some pretty intense anxiety over the last year or so, and it’s not really getting much better despite things objectively going really well in my life. This week I had a pretty big anxiety attack that was, I’m sure, zero fun for my partner to witness. I’m feeling better now (as “better” as I ever feel) but his response has been amazing. He has been so patient and gracious and caring since it happened; he’s working a zillion hours a week on a campaign and the vote is in less than four weeks, and he still takes time to check in with me and see how I’m doing throughout the day. Ugh. It makes me feel so lucky to have someone who doesn’t fault me for the ways my brain can get out of control, and even works with me on it, even though it can make his life more difficult when everything comes boiling over.

      (Also, yes, I am finally pursuing therapy after crossing my fingers for 12 months that these feelings would eventually blow over.)

    • Danielle

      We have been trying to get pregnant again, after a very sad and difficult pregnancy loss/termination earlier this year.

      This week I got my period and was really sad about it. Husband took me out to dinner and discussed several plans and options he had come up with about what we could try next (we go to a fertility clinic for help, so it’s a somewhat plan-ful process).

      I love that he really put time and thought into considering a plan b, c, and d, knowing I would be upset and very disappointed. It reminded me we really are on a team and have each other’s backs, even though my body is the main one going through all of this 💕

  • Mary Jo TC

    I’m in my hometown for a wedding tomorrow! The kids are NOT coming! There’s a “Catholic gap” so I’m using the chance to make my LBD into 2 different outfits with 2 sets of accessories: jewelry, cardigan, shoes. Also I get to see my high school bestie tomorrow so I’m really excited about that. Tonight we’re going to BLINK in Cincinnati, an outdoor festival lights display thing. Should be fun!

    This is the end of my ‘fall break’ at school. I was kind of productive I guess: made it to the gym each day, took a practice History Praxis test, got work done on my car, changed the sheets on all the beds, got my hair done, cleaned out my car, contacted my student loan provider as the first step toward getting teacher student loan forgiveness. Whew! Back to school Monday.

  • Cranky Sister

    My sister is getting married and I am thrilled for her and want to be supportive and loving. She’s asked me to buy a $300 dress and due to the fabric, I think tailoring’s going to be expensive as well. The thing is, I do have the money to pay for the dress, but I’m grumpy because I never spend that much money on clothes. How do I get over this mentally? I don’t want to resent her – I want to be a supportive sister, but every time I think of the dress I just am so irked over how much money I’m spending on a dress that I won’t wear again.

    • Essssss

      I spent more on a bridesmaid’s dress for a friend’s wedding than I did on my own. It didn’t fit perfectly, but I just chose not to tailor it. And, I was able to sell it afterwards, and get a little $$ back. I also considered donating it to a prom dress charity. Those things helped me rationalize.

    • Aimee

      Maybe it would help to think of it like you would other wedding expenses? Would you be mad to buy a plane ticket because it’s not a place you wanted to visit, or mad about spending $$ on the bachelorette because you don’t like drinking? We all have priorities for our spending and to some extent being in a wedding means allowing your sister some control to align your spending with her priorities. As long as you can afford it and it’s not a burden, think of it as a gift to your sister and how happy it will make her. Alternatively if you think your sister isn’t super invested in this particular dress or it really is a burden for you, ask her if she’d mind choosing a more affordable one?

    • Abs

      Don’t think of it as clothes, think of it as a gift to her. It’s still a lot, but it’s money spent on family, not money wasted on clothes you don’t like.

      • Cranky Sister

        Thank you. That does help! I keep seeing it as “all of my personal spending money I had saved up” (literally I now have $1.8 left in that budget category after buying the dress) and that has been the worse way to think about it. Spending on my sister to make her happy makes it sting less

        • notquitecece

          From a budget perspective, can you take it out of a different category? (“Other people’s weddings” was a real category we had for a while, or “Gifts”) This probably depends on many other things, but it would sure help me if I could swing it.

  • AGCourtney

    I just came from a convocation by Courtney Martin about her 2016 book The New Better Off: Reinventing the American Dream. It was fascinating and thought-provoking and I’m glad I went. Has anyone read the book? I think I’ll check it out.

    My daughter had an audition up in the cities yesterday. The national tour of Waitress is looking for a couple of girls to play the daughter in the final scene. Someone from Ren Fest told me about it, and I’m glad! I doubt she’ll get the part, but the main goal was her having fun and getting used to the audition process. I worked, so my husband brought her – it felt weird to not be there! She said she had fun, so, mission accomplished.

    I’m finally starting to get my house reorganized. It’s only a piece at a time, but it’s feeling better every time I get something done. We got a piano yesterday! I found one on the Facebook marketplace thing for free near our house, and figured out how to rent a piano dolly and a truck (adulting!) and we got it all moved in yesterday. It’ll never be the prettiest piano on the block, but I got it cleaned up and it’s in tune, so that’s all that matters. Getting a piano was on our list of family goals we made at New Year’s, so I’m really excited about it!

    And, finally: a photographer uploaded her pictures from final weekend of the renaissance festival, and this photo exists: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/466613741567a3f4d5ae759d27da01abf039bd5388f6c06e4558303b58065661.jpg
    <333
    PC Amore Fotography & Events

    • ssha

      I haven’t read that book, but if it’s the same Courtney Martin who writes for On Being, I love her essays.
      This is a super cute picture. <3

    • AP

      You two are the absolute cutest:)

    • Les

      So fun! I loved theater as a kid. Also, I loved Ren fairs. Kid me is jealous of your costumes!

  • Lisa

    I’ve been experimenting with the flexible schedule at my new job lately, and while I’m loving having Fridays off, I miss being around to spend HH with you ladies! We’re cleaning the house before my sister comes to stay for the weekend, but I promised to share a couple of photos of my birthday dress with you guys. The weekend was lovely (despite my dad’s need to defend Civil War general statues in our downtown). 30 is off to a good start so far, and I love the shininess of this golden dress! First RTR rental, and I kind of want to buy the dress if it ever goes on sale. Because I definitely need more sequins in my life.

    We celebrated our 3rd anniversary this past week! Husband was busy with rehearsals, but we had a late night picnic afterwards and looked through our wedding album, which was a fun, nostalgic moment. Since it was the leather anniversary, I got him a new pair of Sperry’s, and he bought me a beautiful leather crossbody bag (like this one. We also made a command decision on our Christmas trip–we’re going back to Germany like we did for our honeymoon and adding on Austria to hit Nuremberg, Munich, Salzburg, and Vienna. Husband has never seen The Sound of Music before so I need to indoctrinate him before we go on the tour! ;)

    Finally, the photos for your viewing pleasure:
    https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxsDu8SI9SjoYnhwZ1dGRVpIcWc
    https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxsDu8SI9Sjob0toUzhMUDQwVkE

    • ssha

      OOH sparkly dress and sparkly lights! You look beautiful and happy!!

    • Eenie

      YAS! I’m so glad you wore it!

    • Violet

      It turned out so great! You’re so sparkly!

    • lamarsh

      I’m going to Munich and Salzburg for Thanksgiving — yay! Everyone keeps telling me to do “the sound of music tour” — is there a particular one that is good that you’d recommend?

      Also, the dress is beautiful!

      • Kat

        We’re going to Munich and Salzburg (and London) in a few weeks! I’m also interested in any Sound of Music tour tips!

        • Lisa

          I haven’t been on one yet, but we’re probably either going to go with Bob’s Special Tours or Panorama Tours per Rick Steve’s recommendations, but I haven’t looked into them too much yet. They’re very different (small 20-person vs. large motor coach) so I’m going to look into reviews and see what people have to say about them.

          • Kat

            We’re leaning towards the Panorama Tour because I think I’ll feel more comfortable in a sing-along situation with more people around? (Apparently these tours are very cheesy). Holy cow I am just so excited about every aspect of this trip.

          • lamarsh

            Thanks! I always trust Rick Steve so I’ll look into both of these.

    • rg223

      You look so awesome and happy! Love!

    • Amy March

      I’m so glad you went for it! Fabulous.

    • AGCourtney

      Love that dress on you! So glad you went for it.

    • Wow, that dress is MADE for you. Happy birthday and anniversary!

    • Jess

      Oh, this reminds me, R really wants to do the traditional “1 year paper” type gifts on anniversaries! I thought of you guys!

    • Jess

      SPARKLES!!!!!!!

    • Cassy

      Oh my gosh, you’re so gorgeous! (Your makeup looks lovely, by the way. That color lip was a great choice!)

      Also, this is my favorite anniversary gift story: for their “pearl” anniversary (30 years) my friend’s dad got her mom . . . . . A CORGI PUPPY NAMED PEARL.

      • theteenygirl

        This is the best workaround for a “traditional” anniversary present ever. I’m keeping this in mind!

      • RNLindsay

        omg I would die. I want a corgi puppy so bad!!!!!

    • Kat

      Ever since you’ve started talking about this dress, the RTR ad featuring it has been coming up about once a week, and it’s working because I’m considering renting it for an upcoming wedding. Is this too much (dramatically, not $$) for a wedding?
      You look fabulous!

      • penguin

        Definitely not too much, rock it!

    • theteenygirl

      That dress is amazing!!! I want it!

    • mjh

      You look amazing! The dress looks even better on you than it did on the RTR site. Happy birthday and anniversary :)

    • RNLindsay

      That birthday cake photo is beautiful!!

    • penguin

      You look absolutely stunning! A+ choice of dress by the way, it’s amazing and looks so classy and sparkly. I’m glad you had a good birthday! Lots of APW people were rooting for you :)

      • Lisa

        Awww, thank you! It was a fun day.

        Speaking of fun days… HOW WAS YOUR WEDDING??? Did I miss HH updates last week? I’ve been thinking about you guys and hoping everything went well despite the family drama.

        • penguin

          It was great!! I missed the last two Happy Hours due to wedding prep and then being on my honeymoon. Everything went flawlessly day-of (how??) and I’ll do a lengthy update this week :)

          • Lisa

            Yaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!! I will make sure to swing by this week so I can get all of the details. <3

  • Essssss

    Readers corner. Did anyone grow up reading the Golden Compass series by Phillip Pullman? He’s working on a third trilogy and the first book comes out soon and I’m so excited to read it!
    There’s an excerpt here: http://www.npr.org/2017/10/13/557189964/exclusive-first-read-philip-pullmans-the-book-of-dust
    And a great interview iwth him here: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/12/magazine/philip-pullman-returns-to-his-fantasy-world.html

    AND Tamora Pierce has a new series coming out early next year. My kid self is so ready for updates from some of my old favorite writers!

    • savannnah

      I did not know about the new Pierce series! that makes me both excited and nervous!

      • Essssss

        Its called the Numair chronicles! The Immortals series was my favorite and I had a big crush on him.

        • savannnah

          oooo yes. Big big 11 year old crush for sure.

        • Jenny

          YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

        • I am so very very very excited about this series coming out AT LAST!

    • rg223

      Oooh I am excited about both of these things! Thanks!

    • Amy March

      Yes but the Sally Lockhart series was so much better!

      • Jenny

        LOVE the Sally Lockhart series, couldn’t agree more!

      • Essssss

        Ooh I never read those. Maybe I’ll have to try them!

    • Les

      Alanna is one of my origin characters, for sure (is that a thing?)

    • SarahRose472

      Pre-ordered it and I’m having such feelings of nostalgia! The whole giddy excitement of waiting for a new book was such a huge part of my childhood (I was within a year of Harry Potter and co’s age as most of the books came out) and the end of it coincided pretty much exactly with becoming an adult…

      I can’t wait for next week!

    • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

      I can’t wait! I LOVE His Dark Materials!

    • LazyMountain

      Inner teenager is incredibly stoked for new Tamora Pierce!! She hasn’t published anything substantial in about 5 years and I would very much enjoy some non-circle of magic books please.
      This seriously made my day. Exactly what I needed after reading two “elderly couple shelters in pool during firestorm” articles!! In one the wife passed away from smoke inhalation and I was ugly crying at my desk…

      • suchbrightlights

        Yes yes yes, I want more Kel!

    • Lexipedia

      I am the most excited about her new book I could possibly be. When we were pulling a carryable number of books out of our ruined apartment her books were on my list! I met her at a book fair when I was in collage and was pretty embarrassingly excited about it.

  • JLily

    I wanted to share some very appreciated “spam” mail that I think people here might like called “What the Elle” from the company Ellevest.

    Ellevest was founded by Sally Krawcheck, who worked on wall street for years and was the CEO of Merrill Lynch, etc. The company aims to create a place where women can become more active, informed investors. I looked into the company, but never invested. Still, I receive her newsletter and it is so good you guys! Even if I never actually use the company to invest my money I just really like the round-up of stories and the tone/content of the newsletters. Just an FYI for anyone missing the link round ups around here or wanting more!

    This week’s What the Elle newsletter: https://www.ellevest.com/resources/newsletter/2017-10-11?utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=newsletter-2017-10-11&utm_source=share&utm_content=share-button

  • Cellistec

    My fall quarter classes (prerequisites to apply to nursing school) are going surprisingly well so far. I’m taking stats and lifespan psychology, both online, and somehow keeping up with the work while holding down my music gigs, full-time job, and full-time marriage. This week I got the highest score in the class on a psych exam, which made me feel good. And I’m keeping my head above water in stats, which is a relief since math wasn’t my thing in high school…I badly want to defy the social narrative of women being bad at math. Fingers crossed this quarter is easier than the crying-in-the-shower stress of summer quarter.

  • K. is skittish about disqus

    I haven’t been posting much because usually my baby is awake during this time, but she took an unexpected nap today! Been missing APW.

    And good timing too because I can vent now. In the ongoing saga of my MIL going a bit nutty after I had my baby, she and my husband spent weeks fighting because she wanted him to use ALL his vacation time to fly to her with the baby so she could see the baby before Christmas…and straight-up refused to come to us as a compromise, even though we offered to be pay for plane tickets and accommodations. She’s a retiree so it was a little frustrating that she was trying to put the onus on us, but we just stuck to our guns and our baby’s needs.

    But now it appears she thinks she has “rectified” that issue by dropping hints in an email to me that she’s planning on *surprising us* with a visit sometime in the next few weeks…and when I tried to get more details, she was like, “But that would ruin the ~*~surprise~*~ hehehehe!” Which unexpected hospitality obligations are always the BEST THING you can give new parents, right??

    Like can’t she just be normal and functional omg. Now we’re going to have to say no to this too and she’ll be pissed because she can’t just plan a visit with us in a way that actually works for our family’s needs. For whatever reasons. Blah.

    I’m gonna need a big tall strong drink this weekend.

    • rg223

      Oh dear god, please enjoy the big tall strong drink! Is she expecting to stay with you but not tell you when she’s coming? I find her whole plan a bit bizarre, honestly.

      • K. is skittish about disqus

        I guess? Honestly, I don’t know. She’s been extra bizarre since her granddaughter was born. She won’t say how long she would be planning on staying either because she keeps playing dumb about the whole thing, like “oh whatever do you mean I’m not visiting hehehe” and then talking about a “big babysitting surprise”and now you “never know” when someone could show up at your doorstep. It’s exhausting and probaaaably a control thing.

        Surprise visits are (an annoying) of my husband’s family culture, but shit really changes when a baby is involved.

        • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

          There is no “probably.”

        • Jess

          This is quickly becoming my worst nightmare. I hate surprises. I hate unexpected visitors. I hate not having discrete periods for visitation. I hate when grandparents act like they have sovereignty over children’s parenting.

          I am very impressed with your handling of this so far and your acknowledgement of cultural differences.

        • rg223

          Ahh that would drive me crazy – and I’m going with definitely a control thing. Surprise visits are one thing if you live 15 minutes away, but I can’t imagine getting on a freaking plane as a “surprise.” Like you said above, setting boundaries FTW! I’m finding my in-laws are respecting our boundaries more as my son gets older – hope that’s the same for you.

    • Jess

      NO SURPRISE VISITS IS LIKE THE #1 RULE OF BEING A KIND ADULT HUMAN BEING.

      ::deep breath:: Get that drink!

      • K. is skittish about disqus

        For. Real.

        Like, my husband will be on it, but it bothers me that he even has to be. Also this will not help my relationship with her, but I can’t bring myself to care that much. :p Boundary setting FTW.

        • BSM

          And even if your husband is playing point on dealing with his mom, you often still have to set aside time and energy for the two of you to hash out a plan and reconvene once it’s been executed (or at least we do). I still find it really stressful, even when my husband is doing a great job managing his family.

          • Jess

            Yes! We end up spending extra time recovering from boundary enforcement emotions.

    • BSM

      OMG NO.

      Like, I can’t even add anything to that because… JUST NO. Enjoy your very strong drink; you deserve it.

    • Eenie

      What a surprise she’ll have when she’s turned away at the door! Or tell her that’s what will happen right now, so you can stop stressing about it. Seriously, the nerve of some people.

      • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

        I’d go ahead and send her a list of hotels in the area, and let her know that if she’s coming, she should be calling one of those, and have a nice trip, because she’s sure as shit not just popping in to stay at the house and rearranging all of the family’s plans unannounced.

        • Eenie

          Nope, even that’s too much work put into this. If she has the ability to plan a “surprise trip”, she can google nearby hotels!

          • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

            Fair enough. But I figured the symbolic gesture might get across the idea of, “No, srsly, you’re not staying with us,” ideally before she shows up on their doorstep and they have to turn her away.

      • Jess

        “What a surprise she’ll have when she’s turned away at the door!”

        I laughed out loud and my desk. YES!!!

    • Lisa

      WHAT?? No. Nonono. Why can’t she believe like a normal adult?

    • mjh

      Whyyyy. Why would she insist on putting herself in a situation where her son will have to shut her down? If only for her own selfish good, she needs to stop and think before even talking about pulling such ridiculous stunts.

      I’m glad that your husband is on top of stuff, but this is so far from anything either of you should need to be thinking about. F. Enjoy that drink.

  • So normally I kinda enjoy working in phone customer service since it’s low pressure way for me to supplement my freelance income where I get to interact with lot of different types of people I normally wouldn’t get the chance to… But LIFE LESSON y’all, if you are trying to get a customer service rep to make an exception or do a favor for you, do not start the call by hassling them about their name (three separate calls today. THREE).

  • ART

    We put in an offer on a house this week and just heard that it was not accepted. I promised myself I wouldn’t go down the dark hole of despair if that happened (we’re in the Bay Area and it’s just…rough out there) so I’m off for a nice lunch with a friend, but might stop in the bathroom for a quick cry first. I didn’t even necessarily love the house or location, but my husband did, and I wanted to make him happy. Silver lining is that we don’t currently have plans to move 40 minutes away from our prenatal care/labor and delivery location, compared to the 5 minutes away we live right now! (And I don’t have to pack my house and move while 7 months pregnant!)

    • reller

      sending solidarity from down south. I’m 17weeks and we’ve been house hunting in LA for the whole pregnancy. I love living in CA, but trying to justify the cost of a home is such a struggle. Good luck!

      • ART

        Thanks! My mom just sold her place and it’s such a trip that her agent was stoked about their four near-asking offers, and yet we offered 10% over asking and were “somewhere in the middle” of TWENTY-THREE, like how can we possibly compete? I know there’s a house out there for us, but god damn, finding it feels harder than finding each other was.

  • Kate

    I wanted to share my new emotional labor hack. Emotional labor/household management is something we struggle with constantly in our relationship and is complicated by the fact my partner has ADD. He constantly asks me where things are or how to do things. My new thing when asked is to shrug and say “I don’t know” even when I do. The key is to use a cheerful, neutral voice and just wait a few minutes for partner to figure it out on their own. I’m hoping that if I keep saying it, my partner will break the habit of treating me like an Alexa and use their own problem-solving skills a little more.

    • Essssss

      Glad you’re finding something that works for you. Something I’ve been doing lately is changing how I respond to “we should.” My partner will often say something like “we should get a new bathmat.” In the past I would add that to my mental list of things that need to be done. Now I say, yeah, could you go ahead and do that since you noticed? And, sometimes he does.

      • Rose

        How nice! I feel like when I try that we end up with stacks of books on the floor for four years because my wife never got around to getting some more bookshelves. Probably something we should keep working on, though.

        • Essssss

          Trick is, I don’t actually care about the bathmat. If it’s something I care about getting done, it’s a bit of a different story.

      • Jane

        That “we should” is so rough for me. I honestly think my husband does not mean “you should” whenever he says it – but I always take it that way.

    • Kat

      We had a issue in this department recently when I was sitting at the dining table trying to finish a work assignment on a deadline, and my SO was in the kitchen making dinner. He kept asking me how to make rice! IT’S ON THE BAG! I don’t have a secret rice recipe. I finally just looked up from my computer and blinked at him, totally silent for about 15 seconds.
      He apologized and then did the dishes without having to be asked. Baby steps.

      • quiet000001

        Hah! Had this the other night. I’m the cook so I found reasonable looking recipes and my SO said he’d do the cooking for a few days (we did it all at once on the weekend, though, so we just need to reheat) so I printed them out and stuck them in the kitchen and figured I could leave him to it because I know he can follow a recipe. STILL got the “what do I do next?” several times until he finally realized I was only saying “I don’t know, look at the recipe.”

        Food came out fine, too. Maybe next time we can skip the question stage. (I mean, if he had an actual technique question, that’d be different.)

    • Kara E

      Sounds like managing my preschooler (though we generally offer to help her look – if she starts looking herself first).

    • Cathi

      For partners who have simply become victims of learned helplessness (rather than something deeper and more sinister) this is a great hack!

      Cheerful abdication of responsibility can go a long way.

    • Jess

      I did this very early on in our relationship (and often I didn’t/don’t actually know, because I am very spacey) Can confirm that it works!

    • Not Sarah

      Ignoring my husband’s texts while he’s trying to get me to make a decision usually results in him making the decision!

      • Danielle

        I ignore my husband when he complains about not having clean clothes. I just keep watching Netflix as if I didn’t hear him. Then he gets up and does the laundry 😇

  • Jess

    “a girls slim cut t-shirt, because apparently we only cut boys clothes in boxy?”

    Be back for the rest of the comments, but this is the real truth, which I know because I only buy men’s t-shirts because they are boxy.

    • Ilora

      So so true! My 8 month old sons 6month size boys t shirts are too big and the girls t shirts (of the same brand!) are too small!

  • lamarsh

    Does anyone have tips for breaking the habit of having a sugary afternoon snack at work every day? I used to be better about controlling this, but post-wedding it has gotten to the point that I cannot get through the afternoon without a cookie and every day I tell myself, not today, and that is basically not an effective strategy for me right now.

    • Eileen

      Can you replace it with something else that feels like a treat? Like some tasty fruit, or coffee (decaf if necessary), or special tea?

    • JLily

      What works for me is making a cup of tea! I am not sure why but it gets me over the sugar craving hump.

    • Arie

      I make lots of healthy cookie and energy ball type things. Basically where the whole thing is good/healthy ingredients, and then there’s chocolate chips. They aren’t fooling me into thinking they’re cookies anytime soon, but it helps.

    • MC

      I snack on a TON of dried fruit at work – mangoes and prunes are my current go-tos. I also have chocolate-covered blueberries from Trader Joe’s and I eat 2-3 of those after lunch just to give myself a little mid-day treat.

    • emmers

      I find coffee will help ward off hunger cravings. ETA– and it can be fun to try flavored creamer for that treat-feel.

      If you want to go a completely different route, I just heard of black bean brownies, and made the ones by chocolate covered katie this weekend. Fairly healthy, and tasty (especially if warmed slightly in microwave).

    • BSM

      Tea was also going to be my suggestion! I really like Harney and Sons for something a little fancier but still affordable. Their Cinnamon Sunset is amazing, and their Peppermint is a really good standby.

      • rg223

        I loooooove Harney and Sons – I like their Chocolate Mint and the Green Tea with Coconut, those are nice and sweet.

        • BSM

          And the little tins are so adorable!

          Those both sound amazing; definitely going to try them out next.

          • rg223

            I keep the tins as office supply holders for my desk! Not sure what my boss thinks, but I love them!

          • BSM

            Omg, I’m totally gonna do this! I was just thinking I needed a little container for my bedside table; the tins are perfect.

    • Jess

      If you want to stop, which you don’t have to do because cookies are, in fact delicious, address why you have the habit.

      Are you actually thirsty? Test by drinking a half liter of water instead of a cookie.
      Are you hungry, but want to eat something less sugary? Portion out small quantities of nuts or fruit or vegetables to grab instead.
      Are you bored or sleepy? Get up from your desk and go for a walk around your office building instead.

    • Lisa

      Like @eyeleantx:disqus and @jlily:disqus suggested, I’ve had a lot of luck with fancy teas! There’s something really comforting and special about a nice mug of tea, especially as we move into the winter months.

    • Cosign on the afternoon tea! I started doing a nice green tea, which has the added benefit of curbing my appetite a bit. I can sip while I work and it’s soothing, especially since it’s getting colder.

    • lamarsh

      Thanks for all the suggestions! I am usually not hungry so much as I am bored I think. My work actually has a pretty good selection of herbal and green teas (I try to avoid coffee/black tea after noon), so I’m going to try that. (I think re-framing it as a treat as opposed to just some free tea my work has will be really helpful!)

      • rg223

        You can always bring in your own fancy tea to make it feel more treat-like (I definitely do that).

  • Lisa

    Oh, how is the community feeling about the decision for Boy Scouts (BSA) to accept girls into their organization? Personally, I’m not a fan of BSA for many reasons, and I don’t like the sexist implications that girls needs to be part of a boys’ organization for them to get the level of respect and recognition for awards that they can already earn in a female org (Girl Scouts aka GSUSA). I have a couple of Facebook friends who are really excited about this, but I’m…not. I’d love to hear others’ thoughts!

    • ART

      I’m also not, primarily for the reason that I’m not that into BSA as a whole. And I really like Girl Scouts (and think they are a good space for girls, and don’t necessarily want to see them become coed either). I was in Camp Fire Boys and Girls as a kid and it barely seems to exist anymore (at least in the scouting form it had when I was in it) – I would prefer something like that that was totally non-gendered, secular, etc. over “letting girls in” to BSA.

    • Rose

      Same! I feel a bit weird about it, because it kind of feels like it should be progress, but the fact is that I don’t think the Boy Scouts offered benefits that the Girl Scouts don’t. And I’m a much bigger fan of the Girl Scouts. So more people potentially joining an organization that I don’t much care for doesn’t feel like a reason to celebrate to me.

      • Violet

        Well it’s yet another example of misogyny where girls can do boy things (wear pants) and it’s cool and empowering but god forbid boys do girl things, because girl things are inherently inferior.

    • Kate

      Yeah I think it’s a probably a good thing they’re opening up BSA, but I’ll fight anyone who shits on Girl Scouts. I think girls need girl-centric spaces. Boys do not have the same need for boy-centric spaces because that is everywhere they go. The opening up of BSA is probably best for the boys in the org who will have to learn to share a space.

    • Violet

      At this point I’m confused by the whole thing. If we’re saying boys can do traditionally “girl” gendered things and visa versa, then why are there going to be two organizations divided by gender at all going forward? If it’s truly about a difference in activities, then relabel them as “Wilderness Scouts” and “Whatever Scouts” (Sorry, I don’t really know what Girl Scouts do other than sell cookies, tbh) and let people sign up that way.

      • Rose

        I think there’s value in spaces that deliberately prioritize one gender (or set of genders) over another. Overall in our society, men get prioritized. The majority of leadership positions in most co-ed environments are held by men. Women start to be expected to handle a lot of the emotional labor and take notes. Etc. It’s pretty common. Whereas in an organization like Girl Scouts (or women’s colleges, which is why I’m so passionate about this), all leadership positions are held by girls or women (or people of other genders, depending on who is included, but generally not cisgender men) because those are the people who are there. I could also see a benefit to something like Boy Scouts (until this week) where boys also have to take care of all the chores and such that men often don’t end up doing as much. So I’d be pretty disappointed if the Girl Scouts started admitting everyone, honestly.

        • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

          For this and other reasons, I also think it’s important to have places where girls are just surrounded by girls, and boys are just surrounded by boys. (I’ve also read in passing that the cub scout dens may still be divided by gender, which may be relevant to this point.)

        • rebecca

          This. One of the most profound ways that girl scouts impacted me was that it turned my mom (who was never a scout herself) into a Leader.

        • Violet

          Does that mean you’d advocate for Boy Scouts to be open to boys and girls, and Girl Scouts only open to girls? Or you think everyone should just stay as-is?

          • Lisa

            I’d argue that BSA and GSUSA should remain single gender because there are other co-ed organizations that do similar activities (like Camp Fire).

          • Rose

            Personally, I don’t care that much what the Boy Scouts do–they currently center boys/men, and they will probably continue to do so after they start letting girls in too. I do think that there can be benefits to boys-only environments, though, so I guess I’d have a slight inclination to leave them as boys-only/

          • AP

            Yes, basically. The BSA can do whatever they want, they’ll probably always center boys as Rose says, but GS should stay single-gender to allow space for girls/women to lead.

    • rg223

      Oh gosh, a friend of mine from college posted something about how great it was (he’s an Eagle Scout) and I went off about how I hate it. He never responded but my rant got a couple likes :) In addition to what you said, I feel like this new rule is trying to work around the fact that they don’t let in trans boys (and got negative press for it semi-recently), which I also hate. Meanwhile the Girl Scouts welcomes all girls.

    • Katharine Parker

      I agree on not being a fan of BSA and disliking that Boy Scouts is being lauded as the best place for learning about leadership and Eagle Scout is the only recognized award. Girls Scouts isn’t explicitly conservative or Christian, and I loved being able to do so many things as a kid with them–science experiments and visits to the theater and going camping, while Boy Scouts seems to be all about wilderness skills and valorizing particular ideas about masculinity. Girl Scouts wasn’t expressing ideas about what falls under “girl activites.” It was all just activities that girls did.

      I also find real value in organizations where girls are the focus and the leaders aren’t men. It’s tough though as our understandings of gender are changing.

      • AP

        Right, like, I got a Gold Award as a senior, which is the Eagle Scout equivalent. I didn’t need an Eagle Scout award? I’m trying to figure out why all of a sudden the availability oft he Eagle Scout to girls is this amazing opportunity? Oh right…patriarchy.

        • Lisa

          Yes, that’s how I feel. I shouldn’t have to explain my Gold Award as “the Girl Scouts equivalent of the Eagle Scout.” That’s the inherent sexism and devaluation of women’s achievements in our society at play–that the male’s award is commonly known and the female’s must be described in terms of the men’s.

    • Eh

      This was interesting to me since in Canada, Scouts Canada has allowed girls for years. We have Girl Guides (I’m a Brownie leader) which is a girl only organization. I was in Guiding growing up and I think that having a safe place for be to explore things was beneficial.

      • theteenygirl

        As a Canadian.. I was also super confused by this “news”. I knew girls in Scouts and it sounded like we did basically the same things in Girl Guides (I did Brownies and Guides) but I liked an all-girls program because it felt more comfortable to me as a young girl.

        • Eh

          My mom put me in Brownies because we moved to a new town and she wanted me to make friends. My dad told me a few years ago that he hated that it was girls only.

          In Canada, there isn’t much of a difference between GGC and Scouts Canada. I have heard parents say they put their girls in scouting because they do X, and whatever X is I have done in guiding or know of groups that have done it.

    • AP

      I’m not into it either (former Gold Award GS here.) I feel like the BSA and GS are completely different organizations with completely different values. It feels like a grab for members and good PR to me. I’m hoping that letting girls/transgender kids/gay kids participate will push them to break away from their conservative religious affiliations and values, but I don’t have a lot of hope. You don’t invite Trump to speak at your rally and then a few months later suddenly become ‘woke.’ I hope girls just won’t participate and choose GS instead. But the GS are going to have to do more to attract more girls than just slinging mud at the BSA, which is all I’ve seen from them the last few days.

    • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

      I have a lot of complicated feelings about it. My GS troop as a kid was terrible. The troop I now lead is fantastic. Leadership makes a BIG difference in the quality of a troop, and one of our strengths is that we take the official programs as more…suggestions, and allow our (high school) girls to take the lead on telling us what they want to do and learn. I think that the two organizations are very different, and are never going to offer the same product. I also appreciate that if one organization is failing to meet somebody’s needs, they’ll have a choice in the matter. It concerns me that the other choice is a conservative organization with a history that I’m not on board with, but I also appreciate that they have a solid, reliable program in terms of content, and they’ve been evolving as of late on some important issues.This is a good read: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/posteverything/wp/2017/10/13/girls-dont-need-the-boy-scouts-approval-for-their-achievements/?utm_term=.829d3d52e34e

      • ART

        So true about leadership – I also was in a terrible GS troop for a year and quit entirely because of it, but I still really like them overall.

    • AP

      Also this whole thing just makes me want to watch the Pawnee Goddess episode of Parks and Recreation this afternoon. The girls weren’t allowed to be Pawnee Rangers so they formed their own group, then all the boys wanted to join the Goddesses so they could have fun snacks and play with puppies.

      • MC

        I was just thinking this reminds me of Parks and Rec! Between that and the announcement that Bernie Sanders is making the opening speech at the Women’s March Conference, which reminds me SO MUCH of the episode where Ron gets the Indiana Women of the Year Award – it feels like we’re living in seasons 2-5 of Parks and Rec.

    • rebecca

      I just want to register how extremely bs I think it is that men get to talk about being an Eagle Scout for the rest of their friggin lives (hi Dad) but Gold Awards get zero attention.

      I’d love it if scouting wasn’t gender segregated, but if I had a femme identifying child I’d hope she’d want to be in girl scouts given the two choices because I think that a place where young women are taught to lead and learn about the historical contributions of women does have value. There’s no reason for Boy Scouts to just be for boys, the majority of spaces are built to cultivate leadership in boys.

      • AP

        I still brag about my Gold Award (see all my comments on this thread, lol.) But yeah, you’re right, it gets nowhere near the esteem given to the Eagle Scout.

        • Lisa

          We need to come up with a special fellow Gold Award recipient handshake.

          • AP

            Or a shot. I’m thinking something with goldschlager;)

          • Lisa

            Your idea is infinitely superior.

          • AP

            Shots always have such sexist names, too. I would pay good money for a Gold Award shot at a bar. Maybe that’s what we need to do to elevate the Gold Award to the status of Eagle Scout.

          • Lisa

            I’m now imagining frat boys ordering Gold Award shots like people get Dirty Girl Scouts, and I’m loving it.

      • mjh

        “I just want to register how extremely bs I think it is that men get to talk about being an Eagle Scout for the rest of their friggin lives (hi Dad) but Gold Awards get zero attention.”

        If it helps any, my husband was/is an Eagle Scout, and it was a shock for him when he first realized that in the community we’re in (not the one he is from originally) no one cares, at all. When he mentioned it to me 14 years ago, I was legit like “what’s an Eagle Scout?” and he encountered the same response from various people when he mentioned it a few more times over the next couple years. He’s long over it at this point.

    • emilyg25

      I don’t like the Boy Scouts and my son will probably never be a Boy Scout. Buuuut, scouting in general is cool and I never saw a Girl Scout troop that taught wilderness skills.I wish the Girl Scouts did more of that.

      • Lisa

        Girl Scouts’s curriculum is more customizable than Boy Scouts’s. It’s up to the individual troops to decide what they want to focus on, whereas Boy Scouts have to meet specific skills to progress. My troop was heavy on outdoors skills, which is why retained a lot of girls and even grew in high school when most troops disband.

      • AP

        Mine did! But the troop I volunteer with now decidedly does not :/ They do mostly arts and crafts, because that’s what their troop leader is into. But! My nephews’ boy scout troop doesn’t do wilderness skills either. They build birdhouses and balsa wood cars, so…also arts and crafts.

      • rebecca

        We did a lot of wilderness stuff, but we also did crafts and programmed computers and volunteered at homeless shelters and learned how to pipe rosettes onto cakes which is a skill that I am still very proud of haha. We really just explored a lot of different things.

      • Jess

        I had the same problem with my local Girl Scout troops, especially in contrast with my brother’s BSA experience.

        It seems to really differ by location, which I find to be really sad that it’s not a more standardized focus like it is in BSA.

        • Yeah my girl scout troup sucked and all we did was make twice baked potatoes and no camping/adventure stuff. The troup that my next-door neighbor led was awesome and did backpacking adventures and all sorts of awesomeness AND also fun crafts and cooking things and I wished I was young enough to join that one instead.

    • Amy March

      I mean good for them but I still hate the organization and love the Girl Scouts.

    • Kat

      I feel like female friendships and role models can be so hard to come by at any age, and some of my best friends growing up were girls in my troupe. I doubt those kind of friendships will be as nourished in a co-ed organization. I definitely agree that there’s a lot of sexist implications, like girls should be SO HONORED that BSA would welcome them FINALLY. Especially when they’ve had so many issues just accepting boys/leaders who didn’t fit their weird, hetero-normative standards.

  • Oh I forgot to give yall a house update!

    We did the scary mortgage application and it turned out way better than we expected! Based on credit scores & the rates we could get, we’ve decided to do the loan with me only, which lowers the amount we have to play with, but this actually makes me feel better? And there is a lot of great stuff in our price range so that works out.

    We’ve been to 7 open houses to get a feel for what’s out there, and we’ve seen stuff we absolutely hate, and stuff that would be acceptable if it had X or X+Y, but nothing that says “this is our home” yet. And we have a realtor! So it feels like this home ownership thing is going to happen sooner rather than later, which is way more exciting than scary.

    • BSM

      Congrats on the (what sounds like) pre-approval! And it seems like you all have been crushing the house search, overall. Hope you find something you absolutely love soon!

    • savannnah

      As someone with so so credit with a partner with great credit, how does the solo loan thing work?

      • So we’re still at the pre-approval stage, so I’ll tell you what’s happened so far. We did the mortgage application with the credit union we both bank with, and the loan officer pulled our credit. He let us know that based on the scores, what he could offer and we asked him to run it both with just me, and with the 2 of us together. The interest rate is way better with just me, so that’s what we’re going with. Our plan is to not put my husband on the loan, but to put him on the deed.

        • savannnah

          This makes sense! Thanks!

        • Rose

          I didn’t even know this was a thing! This might be really useful for us in a few years. Thanks!

        • Jan

          This is helpful! I wouldn’t have thought to check rates with one one person’s credit.

      • somanypseudonyms

        fwiw, we did something very similar to @Jubilance:disqus , and it worked out great! Both of us on the deed / one of us with actually-good-credit on the loan, zero hiccups in any part of the process. I think this is a fairly common situation.

        • E.

          We did the same thing – we just put me on the deed later. I do think it’s common and it was really easy.

    • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

      Have fun house hunting! It can be a little stressful, but it can also be a great time.

    • reller

      congrats! I’m a huge proponent of going to lots of open houses. Even if the home doesn’t seem like a good fit, you can learn a lot about the neighborhood and what your “must haves” and “nice to haves” are. I love letting local realtors talk about the neighborhood & have learned a lot about schools and different communities.
      My hubs and I are pretty big on research, so we like to look at an array of homes in the same neighborhood to help us understand pricepoints and what features are “normal” in that area.
      Good luck with your search!

    • Jess

      Thank you for the update! We’re looking at househunting in the next year, and I’m learning a lot from the APW commentariat!

  • Engaged Chicago

    3 months out almost officially! Ah!

    Last weekend, a loose acquaintance (no mutual invitees but mutual friends) wore the same wedding dress as me. It’s a very unique dress and I’m feeling a little bummed out. Clearly that’s bound to happen but I also didn’t love how the dress photographed. Scheduled a fitting consult for this weekend, fingers crossed I feel good. Has this happened to anyone else?

    ((My cool wedding dress story was that I bought it never-worn, tags-on from eBay for $799 when it retails for $2k!!)

    • Rosie

      I bought an off the rack dress so I saw it in a couple of other places before I wore it. It didn’t bother me because dresses look so different on different people, and depending on what you wear with it. On short me with a flower headband it looked much more hippyish than on taller elegant women. Are you concerned more about people having seen it before or that you didn’t like how it photographed?

      • Jess

        Yes to the fact that dresses look *very* different on different people, even distinctive ones!

      • Engaged Chicago

        I think both! It felt so much like “my dress” that it was a surprise seeing someone else in a close proximity to me wear it and that makes it feel less unique and different. I also am questioning whether it will look as flattering as it felt..
        I’m also having second thoughts about many of our decisions right now related to the wedding (time of year, venue, food)

  • A walking mess

    Oh my god I’m finally awake for a happy hour. That’s bananagrams lmao
    I’m currently in Kathmandu where I’m doing research for my masters thesis and today was my last day, gave everyone at the partner NGOs their gifts and got the last updates. I kept telling myself I’d pack, but here we are, at 12:30am, surrounded by vacuum travel bags and wine. I’ve been here in KTM for 3 months, doing long distance with the partner (idk if people would remember, I’m the femme who was asking about wedding guest outfits back in July). After this, it’s Bangkok. After that, Hanoi. After that, Taipei. After that, Tokyo. After that, NYC to visit a dear friend. Then finally home.

    Problem is, I have to be back in HomeCity by the last weekend of October. It’s the partner’s master thesis defense, their 25th birthday, and our first anniversary (not married, though serious), all that weekend. So that’s 5 cities, not counting layovers, of which there are 3, in 2 weeks.
    The good part though! Is! That! I’m surprising them by getting in a day early and have conscripted their friend to help me in this birthday/anniversary snare.

    I don’t have many reflections on early career milestones or the privilege involved in research-related travel or this long distance thing and anniversary, but my anxiety has maxed out many times over (the panic attacks weren’t cute at the time) but now idgaf, Im too tired to. The packing will get done. I will get the sleep I get. I will maybe cry during my Mumbai layover when things sink in. I will sweat through my shirt in Bangkok. And eventually I will hold my partner’s cats (who will not be happy I am back and have usurped their positions as Head Cuddler) and eat macaroni and cheese again.

    • Jess

      that is *so* much travel, and I’m very excited for you to return to your partner, cats, and mac and cheese – ranked in no particular order.

      Sometimes, life events are just too big to process or reflect on at the time or immediately afterwards. Sometimes, the only response we have to them is tears or panic. And that’s ok.

  • JRL

    I went wedding dress shopping this week to try on a dress I have been SO excited about, but when I put it on it looked notably different on me than the 6 ft. model in the photographs and I felt crushed. Then, I felt guilty for feeling upset about a dress when, hello, there are real problems in the world. I tried on another dress that was perfectly fine, felt comfortable, and photographed well, but I wasn’t really excited about it. I feel so confused- should I be in love with the wedding dress? It’s the one wedding decision I feel like I’m getting hung up on and maybe losing a little perspective of the big picture (marrying my fiance!), but then I keep being inundated with “You should love your dress! Keep looking, you just haven’t found it yet!” How many dresses do I have to try on?

    TL;DR: Did anyone end up with a dress that they didn’t love, but was good enough? Any regrets?

    • Amy March

      If you’re describing it as any variation of “fine” I feel like it’s not good enough. You don’t need to weep with joy or anything but unless you’ve already tried 50 dresses I think keep looking.

    • lamarsh

      I had a very similar experience with a dress I ordered from BHLDN. I thought it was THE ONE and then put it on and it was just fine. I tried on a lot of dresses after that (like, 7 appointments worth), but eventually put on one I absolutely loved and knew immediately that it was for me. I felt that I was being somewhat ridiculous throughout all of this as I don’t like to consider myself a demanding or picky person, but it was worth taking my time. You will definitely have a stronger reaction than fine, keep looking and good luck!

    • Eenie

      So many dresses look good on models and meh on you, but there’s also dresses that look bad on the model and look really good on you! Hold out for one of those dresses that you feel good about.

    • Lisa

      I’d try to reframe the experience you had with your supposed dream dress–by putting it on and seeing that it didn’t work for you, you’re able to let that dress/style go and find something that will be even better suited to your own unique, beautiful body. I, too, got stuck on a dress, but when I finally put it on (at my mother’s insistence because she didn’t want to sew me something while I was pining for another dress), I realized it was NOT what I wanted/needed. I had a bit of a crisis before I jumped into trying on EVERYTHING, including a lot of styles that I thought I didn’t want or wouldn’t work. By letting myself explore instead of fixating on that one dress, I eventually ended up with a style that wasn’t what I originally thought I wanted but was perfect.

      Not everyone has a “Say Yes to the Dress moment,” but there’s something better out there than “perfectly fine.” I’d say, if you hit 50-75 dresses (basically 5-7 bridal appointments) and still aren’t seeing something you feel good about, then maybe it’s time reassess what about the wedding dresses aren’t working for you.

    • Essssss

      I ordered two dresses from the internet in the cut I wanted and sent one back. End of story. I was so tired of decisions by that point in wedding planning that I had no desire to search for a perfect dress that gave me some magical moment. I liked my dress a lot. I felt beautiful in it. It was and is very pretty. It was lacier than I had anticipated wanting and that gave me a little extra pleasure. I put it on and thought, “this definitely works. I’m wearing it for one day. Moving on…” I wouldn’t say I disliked it. I definitely liked it, but I wasn’t in love with it. it wasn’t a YES TO THE DRESS MOMENT and everything was still fine.

    • emilyg25

      Me! For some reason, I just couldn’t get into the dress, even though I love fashion and finding reasons to spend gobs of money. I just bought a bridesmaid dress that was reasonably flattering online. I could have found something more flattering, in a nicer fabric, but whatever. It was fine, I felt beautiful and special, and I have no regrets. I don’t think you need to love your dress, but you should at least feel pretty in it.

    • Cellistec

      Oh yeah. I gave only a little thought to my dress, bought it off the internet, had it altered to fit…done. My mom and MIL wanted to be all precious about it, but having just lost my dad, I just couldn’t muster up any more craps to give the dress. It looked bomb in the photos, and that’s all I wanted. I think a great photographer can make up for a meh dress.

    • Jess

      Oh for sure. My dress was perfectly fine. It fit me, and I looked like myself, and it generally made sense with my previous dress styles.

      I didn’t cry. I didn’t put it on and feel the best I’ve ever felt in my whole life. It didn’t make me feel like a princess. But it was good enough at a good enough price.

      No regrets.

      • MC

        100% my experience as well.

    • penguin

      I didn’t love my dress until I was wearing it on my wedding day. In the shop it always looked pretty and I liked it, but I didn’t feel magical or anything. Turns out that having a full face of makeup, having my hair professionally done, and having a baller flower crown makes a HUGE difference in how I feel about my appearance in a big dress.

      What helped me was bringing two very enthusiastic friends who love weddings and love me. When I first came out in the dress they both inhaled sharply and couldn’t stop talking about how lovely it was – and they were right.

      Don’t feel like you have to have a big “moment” in your dress – I literally didn’t until I was standing in front of a big mirror in my hotel room right before walking out for photos. I agree with Amy though – if you just feel like it’s “fine”, write down the style for later and keep looking. If you run out of ideas this can be your backup.

  • Elizabeth

    My mother is asking me, with 13 months to go before the wedding, if we can make plans for her to move in with us the month before the wedding and “help decorate.”

    I love my mom, but I’ve posted in other threads about how stressful of a houseguest she is and how stressful our relationship is, and I cannot think of anything more horrible than her living with me and eating breathing sleeping wedding for a month. Adding to this, she totally thinks she’s competent and organized and crafty and she definitely is not.

    • emmers

      I would do a swift “we really appreciate the thought but it’s going to be too busy. But we look forward to seeing you starting XYZ day!” (which may be the rehearsal dinner day! :)) If she pushes back, I’d be like, wish we could, but that really won’t work for us. I wouldn’t provide too many reasons, in case she tries to solve them.

      I also would not have wanted that extra weddingness!

    • Amy March

      What. Why mom’s gotta be so weird?

    • Les

      Um, this is not a thing, mom

    • Essssss

      I may have signed up for an out of town race the week before my wedding to stave off the early arrivals.

      • Jane

        Genius

    • theteenygirl

      Wait what? She wants to live with you the month prior to your wedding?
      I don’t know your family dynamic.. but to me that would be very weird.

    • Jess

      nope nope nope nope nope nope nope.

  • Laura

    Hey friends, I need your NYC knowledge. I’ve never been, but my husband will be in town on business next weekend and has a hotel in Midtown. I’m going to join him for about 36 hours: get in late Friday evening (but in time for late dinner/drinks), all day Saturday, and then leaving Sunday morning. What should I prioritize? Food recommendations? It’s overwhelming to figure out what to do when there are so options!

    • Violet

      Ooo, fun! Midtown suggestions:
      – 2nd Ave Deli (super famous)
      – restaurant/drinks with rotating seasonal menu: http://parkavenyc.com/#/2
      – wander Grand Central Terminal: enjoy Beaux Arts architecture and the store “Cursive”
      – the Morgan Library
      – if the weather’s good, walk around Tudor City
      – cocktails at Middlebranch (http://nymag.com/listings/bar/middle-branch/)

    • Les

      What do you like/want to try foodwise and experiencewise?

      • Les

        My HOT REC for the moment is Tompkins Square Park on the Saturday you’re here: Dog Costume parade! 12-3 on the 21st. It’s always hysterical.

        • rg223

          Yesssssss!

    • rebecca

      Oooh so my midtown go-tos (west side) are Alfies and El Centro, Raines Law Room at the William is great for cocktails. It’s a wonderful time of year to sit in Bryant Park and people watch with coffee. It might be fun to catch a show at UCB. These are all recs based on being walking distance from a midtown hotel, if you have more specific things you want to do I’d be happy to send you further afield. Tbh if I could only see one nyc tourist attraction in my life, it would be the Museum of Natural History (well I would cheat & see 2 attractions bc I’d walk through central park)

      Oh! And the best public restroom in Midtown is the Hilton on 41st!

      • Les

        Raines Law Room forever!!

      • rg223

        Seconding Bryant Park!

    • rg223

      Well Hell’s Kitchen has great, affordable food. I’d try something on 9th ave – I feel like every restaurant is good there! Amy’s Bread is always great for dessert. My favorite restaurant is Velselka, a Ukranian diner in the East Village. I don’t know what the weather will be like, but fall is New York’s ideal season, so I would spend as much time outside as possible, at Central Park, Bryant Park, Washington Square, on the Highline, etc. Two more further afield suggestions: walk across the Brooklyn Bridge and explore Dumbo, and Governor’s Island is still open and it’s ugh so wonderful. https://govisland.com/

  • SarahRose472

    I’m…having a lot feelings about a work situation/environment and need to rant. So this is going to be long. The TL,DR: Fucked up joke implying my colleague got me pregnant, right as I’m about to present a gift to him in front of a room full of our colleagues; and run-of the-mill frustrations with the ways a nearly all-male working environment disadvantages women.

    To give context: I’m in a PhD, with a supervisor who is a very kind and decent human being but happens to have a very traditional marriage and happens to have only ever had male students, and my primary co-author over the first year of my PhD has been one of his other students, who is Italian. Incidentally (and ironically) our research together is about gender norms and labor decisions of married households.

    This other student, lets call him Max, just graduated. We’ve worked really closely together, and I felt at times we were becoming good friends, but we’ve had repeated issues with him saying/implying/espousing sexist, racist, and ignorant views (“jokes”, he says; he also has tried to make me out as some kind of social justice warrior who is the only one who has a problem with things that he says, though I’ve recently learned there are plenty of other people in our program who have had similar issues with him).

    In recent months I’ve tried to wrap up our project and keep my distance because I’ve just decided he’s not worth my energy and certainly not my friendship, but some of our other friends asked if I would be willing to organize his gift on behalf of the PhD students and I accepted, since I was among the people left who was closest to him and a couple of other likely candidates had just organized for other recent grads.

    I played around with getting some kind of snarky joke gift referencing the arguments we’ve had in addition to a nice one, but in the end settled on just getting him something he would like and sticking to being as sincere and kind as I could be, with the aim to just get this over with and not need to deal with him more in the future.

    At the celebration after his defence today, I quieted the room down so I could make my little speech and present our gift. Two more relevant details: I’m 30 weeks pregnant, and quite a few of his childhood friends were there. As I started to introduce myself, one of them called out “Eh Denni, is it yours?” I made some kind of flustered comment to this and then continued on with my perfectly kind and sincere speech.

    Afterwards I made some jokes and rolled my eyes with friends about how completely unsurprising that was but now that I’m home and thinking about it it’s really got my blood boiling. Like, what the fuck is that? How do you say something like that about a pregnant woman you’ve never met in front of a room full of people including your friends and all his (and my) profession colleagues???

    I’m also generally feeling kind of frustrated with my advisor right now, because I feel like I am not able to develop a relationship with him in the way his other male students do because I’m pregnant and a woman, and his manner of bonding is very much a good ol’ boys “let’s get drunk together”. (What was happening at this party; by the time I left pretty much everyone, advisor included, was significantly drunk). My advisor is a much better and more mature person than “Max” so it’s not that he’s ever anything but perfectly kind, supportive, and thankfully, appropriate with me, I just feel like I’m at a disadvantage compared to his other students because of this.

    The one bright spot right now is there is a new female assistant professor who has very closely related research interests to me, and we also happen to have a lot in common in terms of our life situations and we feel like a good match personality-wise. She asked me to go to lunch the other day, and I definitely see the potential for us to be both friends and work together. (She also missed the whole thesis defence + celebration because she needed to go tag out the nanny.) But it feels at the same time kinda shitty that I’m like, “oh yay, a woman with a child, someone who I can connect with at work!” Because it really shouldn’t have to be that way…but I suppose that’s one of the side effects of being in a field with 70-80% men everywhere you go.

    • Essssss

      UGH academic unenlightened crap. So sorry you’re having to deal with the good ol boys.

    • Les

      Ug! Sorry I have no time machine to lend you so you can go back and be like ‘Ew, gross. Who are you?’

      • SarahRose472

        Yeah I’ve definitely in that phase where I can’t stop thinking about all of the things I SHOULD have said.

        • Jane

          I am perpetually in that phase.

    • Jess

      I am very much angry on your behalf both for the coworker comment and the advisor situation, because that’s also crap.

  • Lexipedia
  • Jessica

    Hi all, I would give an update to y’all, but I found out my ex and/or his lawyer is spying on me through this board. It’s gross and invasive and is a continued form of abuse.

    • Gaby

      Oh my god. Sending you hugs.
      Hey Jessica’s ex and/or ex’s lawyer, fuck you.

    • Cellistec

      Nooooooooo. What exactly do they hope to learn? That APW commenters are a feisty lot? OH WE ARE.

      • Jess

        Continued. Rage.

    • emmers

      That’s really horrible. I’m so sorry.

    • lamarsh

      So so sorry that is unbelievably upsetting.

    • Eenie

      UGH. I’m so sorry. FUCK THEM.

      Also, do you have a good lawyer? Because I really hope you do.

    • theteenygirl

      Oh FFS ex/ex’s lawyer. That’s so wrong.

      Even if you can’t vent to us.. we’re still your support system.

    • AGCourtney

      Wow, that’s awful. We’ve still got your back! <3

    • Jess

      That’s really disturbing, and you’re right that it’s a continued form of abuse. Still sending my supportive thoughts your way.

    • Legalprofessional

      I am so so sorry.
      Little hello to ex’s lawyer if you’re reading this: I get being a zealous advocate, but heads up that nothing on here is going to make your client look good and assisting your client in abusive behavior is toeing some ethics lines.

    • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

      Document the shit out of that in something time stamped. Email it to yourself.

    • CMT

      WTF, that is awful!!

    • Les

      Scum of the earth, ruining a safe space for you :(

    • suchbrightlights

      I keep deleting and reposting this comment because there’s nothing productive about wanting to punch someone in the nose, but these people make me want to do it anyway.

    • ART

      I thought about this all weekend, and while I think it would be a dumb divorce attorney that would try to put any of your comments here in front of a judge, it could happen…so maybe your freaking YEAR or whatever of documenting how much you put into trying to be compassionate toward him and work things out would be some good back pocket context for you to save somewhere just in case.

      I have a friend whose ex keeps trying to friend me on various social media outlets including LinkedIn, like three years after they separated. I keep ignoring him, but it’s like are you that dumb or are you trying to find information or…? Why would I want to accept your friend request after I had to help move all the shit you left in the garage for her to deal with when you moved out unannounced? Ugh.

  • ellabynight

    I just got news that my husband didn’t get a job that would’ve been perfect for him. He’s been unemployed for six months and is starting to get frustrated being unemployed/stay at home parent to our one year old. He’s in a fairly niche specialty and he’s at a place in his career where he’s not quite entry level but also not quite management yet. It’s so frustrating for him, and he really would’ve been perfect for this particular job.

    I feel guilty because he quit his job so we could relocate to our hometown when I got a promotion. Moving back home was always part of our plan and me getting transferred there as part of a promotion actually made things easier, so the guilt isn’t really logical. Of course, know that it’s not reasonable doesn’t make it go away.

    • rg223

      I’m sorry this job didn’t work out for your husband and that another opportunity comes along for him soon!

    • ssha

      I’m catching up on HHs, so I’m reading your comment for the first time. I am like your husband in that I am unemployed and applied for a good fit job recently, but wasn’t offered it. I am just grateful my partner HAS a job. Unemployment has made me think some pretty irrational things, and irrational guilt is a real monster. Solidarity.

  • Gaby

    Hi APW! I think I’ve made it known here before that I live in Las Vegas. The past 12 days since the shooting have been a whirlwind of emotions. All of my friends and family are safe, and it has been AMAZING see our smallish city come together. I’ve always staunchly defended Vegas so I enjoy seeing others come around to appreciated it too. I’ve taken time off to volunteer, donate blood, and spend time with family and am having a pretty normal week at work again. Now we have our first anniversary to celebrate this weekend, which feels like it came up so quickly! We’re just doing dinner and drinks because we already went all-out on our Japan trip, but I did surprise my husband a few days early with tickets to see our brand-spankin’-new hockey team in two weeks, Go Golden Knights. They’re Vegas’s first professional team so it has been bittersweet timing to have them unify the city during this month.

  • Pingback: APW Happy Hour | Wedding Warriors TC | Wedding Planner | Kennewick, Richland, Pasco()

  • reller

    Looking for some pregnancy advice! Purchased and read Expecting Better after seeing multiple posts endorsing it & so glad I did. Now I’m 17weeks and starting to think about things like maternity clothes and products (belly balms and such). If you have any strong recommendations, I would love to hear them! I’m in the “phasing out most of my previous wardrobe but not quite looking pregnant yet” phase. Bought some shirts and bottoms in a size or two up and should be ok for a few weeks. Also – any awesome online pre-natal yoga videos?

    • notquitecece

      HI lets be frands. I really like Storq — I’m not really showing yet, but none of my pants fit, so I got a few things from them. Their leggings are HEAVEN and the swing dress is super cute!

      • reller

        Hi! I am 100% into leggings with higher waists and WIDE waste-bands these days :). I bought a pair of stretchy skinny jeans (on sale) several sizes larger than my normal, and those have been fantastic in letting me stretch out my existing wardrobe a bit. I’ll def check out Storq!

    • ART

      I have been using two Burt’s Bees Mama Bee products – nourishing body oil on my belly right when I get out of the shower (it’s very lemony), and belly butter nightly (unscented, but smells kind of like plastic, so I got some lavender essential oil and mixed in about 15 drops, just enough so that I could smell it more than the plastic smell). I’m almost at 30 weeks so no major stretching yet, but I feel like I’ve got a good habit going with both of those to stave off itching etc as much as I can.

      I tried to go so minimal on maternity clothes and now I’m like…I have 2.5 months left, can I really be this much of a capsule wardrobe person for that long? I’m not sure I can. I really love my full-panel maternity leggings from Old Navy. I do not love my side-panel jeans from same…the elastic has stretched out a ton and I get saggy butt after one wear. I’ve been doing a lot of non-maternity but loose-cut dresses with added belts, like these:
      https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01K054SE8/
      https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01HSOWCCY/

      • reller

        thanks! I’ve been looking at the Burt’s products. I’m thinking I might by a bunch of neutral solids and just wear jewelry more often.

        • ART

          Yeah, I feel like going with neutrals can make things stretch for much more frequent wear – time to bust out my way-too-many-scarves collection!

    • Violet

      Honestly whether or not you get stretch marks has to do with your genetically-determined collagen levels. Stretch marks occur on the lower layers of skin; it has literally nothing to do with what you apply topically. Sometimes the stretching causes some itching, so applying moisturizer helps with that aspect. But beyond using your preferred moisturizer, save your money. I’ve been using my normal stuff all along and at 38 weeks, zero stretch marks. Other women will use everything under the sun but if they have low collagen levels genetically, are gonna see stretch marks regardless.
      For clothes, I like Gap Maternity and LOFT (either maternity or just flowy tunics in larger sizes) for standard work gear, Seraphine for a splurge, and Pink Blush for cheaper, trendier options. I had to start wearing pregnancy pants right away because of bloating. I’ve also found that under belly pants pretty much always slip regardless of brand or material, so over the belly with the full elastic panel is the way to go, even when I was very early in the process.

    • emilyg25

      Most of my maternity clothes were Old Navy, and yeah, if you’re prone to stretch marks, there’s not really anything you can do to stop it. I did use Cetaphil cream because I had a winter baby and dry winter skin + streeeeetching skin = crazy itching.

    • ZLMT

      If you’re in a city, see if your neighborhood has a local parents listserv — it can be a great way to get a bag of maternity clothes at a very reasonable price. Otherwise, the most valuable thing I got during pregnancy was probably my snoogle. It was such a gamechanger for sleep.

    • Corporette Moms has some nice roundups of maternity options, as well as a weekly feature, so that could give you some ideas. As a plus size mama, I mainly stuck to Motherhood Maternity for my stuff, but I’ve heard great things about Asos maternity and Old Navy maternity.

  • CMT

    So, I put an offer in on a house today! Well, an informal text message offer telling the seller I’d be putting together a “real” one soon. The seller is not using a realtor, I found out about the house from a mutual friend, and I’m thinking I probably won’t use my realtor to move forward. So I need to tell her I won’t be needing her services, which I know I should just do already.

    I know at this stage there’s absolutely the possibility things could fall through, but I have soooo gotten my hopes up that I won’t have to live below the world’s loudest upstairs neighbors anymore!

    • Kalë

      This is so exciting and huge congrats!!! What area, if you don’t mind my asking??

      • CMT

        Downtown! I was basically willing to accept that I’d have to live in a cardboard box in order to be able to afford to live downtown in a detached home.

    • suchbrightlights

      Best of luck!

  • Hannah

    We ordered save the dates, booked our photographer and….I got my dress!! https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c30db058b72b89a6087862eb556502ca02ae9bd8f667df688fa69707c822dcc4.jpg

    • mjh

      Beautiful!

    • rg223

      Loooooove it!

    • suchbrightlights

      Oh wow! Meant to be. Wonderful choice!

    • emmers

      Really ethereal!

    • Ilora

      Omg I LOVE it!

    • penguin

      So beautiful and it looks so lightweight and swishy and fun!!

  • ART

    Also Meg, that dye job on the suit is killer. Garment dyeing is no easy feat, and it came out so sharp!

  • Kalë

    Late to happy hour because I’m on vacay, bitches! And was napping for 5 hours. But also sadly have been absent from this community for the past few months due to an awesome, rewarding and amazing but busy af new job. Just dropping in to say I miss all you guys and I think about you every day and would love to be back participating sometime (hopefully soon but who knows) because amidst life and wedding planning and feminism and dumpster fire politics and everything else this is one of the best communities ever, ever. Also hey thanks for all of the Morocco tips APW!!!!!!!!!!!! https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/fcf146841dfbe8a18eb9d98ca5e78e9117585a6ddb91bbd59e71ccad7d18db34.jpg

    • savannnah

      We are going for a 3 week honeymoon in dec. Tell me everything!

  • Em

    So. This week my bosses finally approved my leave for Christmas, meaning we could book flights to head home for Christmas – I am excited about seeing my in-laws, less excited about seeing my own family :( I am mostly excited about chilling and relaxing with friends between Christmas and NYE and going to the beach and long boozy afternoons! We’ve also wrangled a two night stopover in Taipei on the way back which should be a fun place to spend NYE! (It was cheaper to fly via Taipei from where we are than to fly direct, and on the way back we were able to turn a 10 hour layover into a 2 night layover w/o too much drama or extra cost! Win!)

    We also got the go ahead for leave for our wedding in August 2018, which I think means that we can finally move ahead with booking in a venue, which is scary but also great. We’ve settled on a beautiful venue in a national park, and they’ll organise both ceremony and reception (which will be about a 10-15 min walk from one another or a 5 min drive). This is all a weird mix of scary / exciting / stressful and I would really much prefer to be thinking about the honeymoon (we’re now contemplating Sri Lanka, which looks stunning!)

    So – here’s a question: what should we try to book once we have reception / ceremony locked down? And which vendors do you think it’s worth trying to meet in person? (We will only be back in our hometown once before the wedding, which will be before Christmas – so I figure I may as well try to meet some vendors then!)

    • Eenie

      Photographer if you’re getting one.

      • Em

        That’s what I was thinking too :)

    • Amy March

      Does the venue handle catering, chairs, and bathrooms? I think those are the key things to make sure are available and in budget.

      • Em

        Yup (and staff to make things like catering happen, etc)! It’s a pretty one stop shop from that perspective.

        • Amy March

          It sounds so great! I agree with Eenie on the photographer, and if you have time maybe the florist (personally idk how to actually describe flowers other than “pretty” so sitting in person would be useful) and DJ/band if you’re having one?

          • Em

            I was wondering about the florist! I’m guessing that’s where Pinterest comes in handy – I certainly don’t know how to describe flowers other than as “pretty ones of [insert colours here]”…but I figure if I can meet one when we’re back then I may as well do so. I’m also contemplating wedding dress shopping back there, which kind of terrifies me…

          • penguin

            We made a Pinterest board of flowers we liked, and also had a list of specific flowers that we liked. It helped the florist out a ton, and she did an AMAZING job of incorporating all of our favorite things. I liked meeting ours in person, because another florist we met with was very… bored? during our meeting and that was discouraging. Finding someone you mesh with helps, or having someone else meet with them could work too.

  • suchbrightlights

    I could use some happy thoughts. I get married next Saturday. I tried my dress on on Thursday, and apparently my fall sports have made me totally change shape (I kind of knew this but not so dramatically) and my dress does not fit. It’s not so horrific that it’s unwearable but it’s super disappointing and as it is a $100 cocktail dress I’ve already put $400 in alterations into (significant alterations to make what was a gown a cocktail dress- I have an amazing skirt I’m wearing on top) my plan A has become Find New Dress. Enter the Rhea bodysuit from BHLDN, which has gone on sale and is being overnighted to my house. Which apparently means it will arrive Monday despite being ordered yesterday because reasons. If that doesn’t work, field trip to BHLDN or David’s Bridal while also frantically calling tailor in a panic, but that was actually my top pick at one point and I would super super love if it worked.

    On the bright side I currently weigh less than I did in college, which means I’ve finally kicked the birth control weight by doing nothing more than being more intentional about getting exercise for my mental health in a very stressful time at work. So there’s that.

    • whatever_elke

      This is my first APW comment ever (hi everyone!) and I just wanted to come on to say good luck with your dress. I know exactly how you feel. I’m getting married next week and this happened to me just recently as well. Not sure what city you live in, but I had good luck with Reformation, and I know they ship really quickly. Something to keep in mind about their dresses though is that they are LONG (frustrates me to no end when all dresses are measured for 6 ft models? Why????), so for me, at 5′ 5″, all the floor length dresses need to be hemmed. Also, the Rhea bodysuit is beautiful, I hope it fits!!!!

      • suchbrightlights

        It’s really sweet of you to sign up and comment just for this! Thank you for the tip on Reformation. I hadn’t looked yet to see if they had something I could use for backup, but that’s a really good tip and I appreciate it! Did you end up getting yours properly hemmed, or just using hem tape and winging it?

        I hope everything goes well for you this weekend! Congratulations!

    • suchbrightlights

      Now I need different happy thoughts as tonight I fell through a glass table and sent a shard through my leg. I’m writing this from shock trauma. I’m okay, but took out a chunk of muscle.

      Never mind the dress- the surgeon says I should be able to walk down the aisle, a definite plus to be able to attend my own wedding.

      • Em

        Oh no!!! I’m glad you’re okay (for certain values of okay) and hoping you’re not in too much pain. Sending many happy thoughts of the “I hope you get a day to curl up on the couch and watch Netflix” type.

        • suchbrightlights

          I’m mad at myself and going to get down that aisle come hell or high water.

          I’m very lucky. My fiancé has been a champ and it’s fortunate for me he was home.

      • Amy March

        Oh no! Thinking of you.

      • Ilora

        Yikes!! So glad you’re okay, crossing my fingers for a speedy recovery!

    • suchbrightlights

      Well, Monday update: I got super lucky. I will be crutching around on my wedding day, but all things considered I’m doing pretty well considering that I was in trauma care 24 hours ago! And BHLDN to the rescue, I have clothes that fit. All’s well that ends well, and I can’t emphasize enough how amazing my fiance has been. We just tried out “for better and for worse” a little early…

  • Just a super quick check in. I don’t have time to read but wanted to stop by. My mom and dad came to visit me in Quebec (they live in the US) and while they were here, my mom got sick and we took her to the hospital. Long story short….that night it looked like she might not make it. She was a 1 out of a 5 level scale of urgency/chances of dying, with 1 being the worst/most dire.

    They don’t speak French, so I’ve been doing a lot of translating, and it’s just been a lot. But thankfully I have had a lot of support from friends here and my boyfriend has been absolutely amazing… We are just thankful she is alive. And the medical people have been sooo kind and amazing. So kind and capable. They will fly home this week and she’ll have a 2nd less urgent surgery in her hometown with her regular doctor. Then we’ll drive their car back down (a few day drive?) at some point in coming weeks…

    Anyhow I hope you all are having a calm week that looks nothing like mine!

    • Em

      That sounds insanely stressful + upsetting + all the things. Hoping that your mother continues to improve and that you get a little bit of a break soon!

      • Thanks, Em! It has been super stressful. I suspect I could use a good cry; I’ve been trying to hold it all together for the last week and manage it all… Crisis-coping mood, I guess? Looking forward to some rest soon, after they get off on their flight and then see their doctor the morning after they get home. And tonight I’ll be back in my own bed, so that will be nice…

    • Jess

      Oh wow. I am glad she made it thru that night and stabilized enough to travel home. I am glad she has lined up a second surgery. I hope she continues to recover well!

      • Thank you, Jess! She is out of the hospital now… Hopefully all will go well between now and when she sees her doctor and have the next surgery.

  • uggggh

    The ring I’m going to use to propose to my girlfriend arrived today. It is so beautiful and I know she’s going to love it. I was going to wait until this summer to propose, but now I’m not sure I can wait that long.

  • quiet000001

    I cannot remember if I’ve said – but we officially adopted the dog we were fostering. He just fit in so well we didn’t see the point of uprooting him again just so we could later get a puppy that really might not turn out to be any better. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/45e562387f0c2d4da696d84682d6bc214838a35e427a6df60a507f70277ca1b9.jpg
    (Vinny enjoying his first Pupaccino with me after waiting in the car like a VERY good dog while I ran into the grocery store.) (This dog is so awesome. And he’s getting me out walking almost every day, which is good for my arthritis but sure doesn’t feel like it when it comes time to get ready and get out the door.)

    Speaking of walking – favorite sources for fall-winter outdoor exercise clothing? I don’t run so I don’t heat up enough for some running gear, but we have a ton of hills so I do sometimes get sweaty and I’m worried the cotton lounge pants I tend to wear now will end up with me freezing my booty off once fall and winter really kick in.

    • Jess

      Hi Vinny!! You are a good dog!!

      I have a pair of track pants from Nike I really like for winter walking – they’re like a cotton jogger pant but with a bit more wind blocking. I usually wear running tights underneath if it’s very cold (I am in the upper Midwest. It gets COLD).

      • quiet000001

        Yeah, I’m in western PA, sometimes we get WINTERS. So I need to be prepared because I can’t ask my partner to walk him all winter (I mean I could, but that isn’t fair) and I know if I don’t have good clothes it will make it exponentially harder to get out the door.

        • Essssss

          Some thicker underarmor stuff might be good. In general, cotton gets cold when wet (sweaty) so some layers made of wool or wicking fabric or a wind breaker might do you well. I use sierra trading post for deeply discounted outdoor gear.

          • quiet000001

            Yeah, it’s the cold and clammy thing I’m worried about. But I don’t want to spend $ on leggings that rip right away or something. I have wind-proof pants for when it is REALLY cold but they are the cheap non-breathable kind so would be too much for fall/early winter. Where we live now is like a little micro-climate that is way windier than where I used to live in the same city, so the stuff I used to wear (normal sweatpants or similar) won’t be warm enough because they’re too wind-permeable. All your body heat just goes woosh. :D

  • You guys look so good!!! Thank you for sharing your recent successes and thank you for all the work you do.
    Beautiful dress my girls love them. Can’t wait for them to wear them on our wedding day. I bought on http://www.millybridal.org
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/11577653eb6228615b08a0033061a85f6058aff703049765b3675835f2f8e7ad.jpg

  • Melissa

    Google is paying 97$ per hour,with weekly payouts.You can also avail this.
    On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $11752 this last four weeks..with-out any doubt it’s the most-comfortable job I have ever done .. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
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