Someday Will Never Come

When time is not on your side

March 17th, 2014: Today is the day that I find out that I am infertile. It’s Saint Patrick’s Day, I’m not Irish, so I guess their luck doesn’t extend to me. I’m sitting at the mechanic shop, waiting for my oil change to finish up when I get the call. “Hold on,” the nurse tells me, “the doctor wants to speak with you.”

So this is the culmination of two years of bodily mystery; things that were happening and no one could tell me why. She’s astonished at my result, “you’re so far below normal for someone your age.” 0.03. I will never forget that number. It’s the number that has taken the option of having children of my own away. The doctor recommends I go see a fertility specialist.

On the phone I start crying, I can’t help it. I can’t process what she’s telling me.

I go home and I cry. I tell my mom over the phone and I cry. I call my dad and I manage to keep the tears back this time. We talk about all the reasons now isn’t a good time to go rushing to have a kid. “You’re just getting on your feet, you’re far away from family and have no one to help support you.” I am just getting on my feet after a few years of immense struggle. I am moving across country, further away from family. I don’t want to be a single parent. It all makes sense, I agree.

I never made having a family a priority in my twenties, it was something I would do later on, when I was ready. There was a long period when I didn’t want a child. That slowly changed to wanting just one under the right conditions in the future. It was an undefinable time frame but, I had time. People wait these days and the women in my family are fertile, so there’s no rush. I’ll wait till I meet someone who I can commit to for a long period of time. I’ll wait till I can become financially stable. Then I’ll have a family. That’s when.

Now those plans are effectively gone. As a single 33 year old woman, I know time is not on my side. I talk with my best friend, “maybe you can cryo some eggs?” Maybe. So many questions swirl around in my head, but mainly: will my soon to be health insurance cover this stuff? How do I broach this subject with future potential relationship partners?

So, I’ll go to see a fertility specialist to find out if I have any options, and in the meantime I’ll mourn the unlikelihood of experiencing pregnancy. And I’ll try to remember all the good things in life.

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