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Should I Be Hurt That No One Threw Me a Bridal Shower?

There's only 2 weeks left until the wedding...

bridesmaids standing together in a row

Q: Am I allowed to be upset that my wedding is two weeks away, and I haven’t had any type of shower or party thrown for me? My engagement was ten months long, I have wonderful bridesmaids, and I’m pretty confused that nothing has been organized. I thought that it was pretty standard to do at least a bridal shower or a bachelorette party.

Some context: I have six bridesmaids, two of whom are local, and three of whom are within a three hour drive. My sister and maid of honor is only nineteen, in college, and lives very far away. So I never expected her to be the one planning things, or even to be able to attend any shower or party or anything. But I don’t understand what the deal is with my other bridesmaids, or my mom. I never wanted anything expensive, but I was hoping to at least have a nice lunch with pretty napkins or something! I’ve been very cognizant of costs during the whole planning process. All I asked them to do was buy an inexpensive dress—no requirements for shoes, hair, makeup, or accessories.

But I don’t know if I should say anything. It seems so bratty to express that I’m upset that nobody threw me a party, especially when four of my bridesmaids are already traveling for the wedding and everything. But I just feel like in the course of ten months, somebody could have hosted a little something. I would be happy with just a bridal luncheon, no gifts, no crazy partying or expensive destinations, just a time to celebrate my wedding in an intimate setting with my female friends, and feel like a bride. My fiancé’s groomsmen threw him a whole bachelor weekend, but I never had so much as a congratulations brunch.

So I guess my question is, should I tell my bridesmaids that I am upset? Or just keep it to myself? At this point it’s too late to do anything about it, and I don’t want any hard feelings at my wedding.

—Anonymous

A:Dear Anonymous,

It depends on what you hope to accomplish by telling them. Like you pointed out, it’s too late for them to throw a shower now. There’s no real way to fix the problem. Would telling them do anything other than spread around some blame and guilt? Will your relationship be improved or harmed by having that convo?

And just so we’re clear, (though it seems you may know this) you’re not owed a shower. It’s not a requirement. We’re led to believe every wedding means a shower and an engagement party and a bachelorette and a congratulations brunch (is that a thing?), but meh. Not always. Lots of weddings happen without any of these extra little events.

I realize that doesn’t make it any less disappointing. You were hoping for this stuff, and it didn’t happen, which can sting. Sometimes friends aren’t good at anticipating what we want, others just aren’t good at planning, some stink at surprises. But in this kind of situation, even more than all that, it’s likely just a matter of not knowing the expectations, and not knowing who’s handling what. Your friends probably figured that if a shower was going to happen, your maid of honor would be the one to do it. It’s the old assumption that, “Oh, someone will take care of that,” without realizing that you, personally, could do it. Maybe it’s just me, but I usually imagine that there’s someone closer, someone more important, who’s in on planning all the stuff. And it’s too late for you now, but I’d like to go on record in favor of whispering to a close friend, “Psst. Do you think you could maybe throw me a shower if someone doesn’t already have one in the works?” (Just don’t wait ’til two weeks before the wedding.)

It’s disappointing that you didn’t have all these parties, but no. Don’t say anything.

Instead, I’d buck up and pull together a bachelorette party for yourself. You’ve got two weeks! If all you want is some time to celebrate with friends, then get on it, girl!

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