Q: I have always had a difficult relationship with my sister. We have very different personalities and values. At just two years apart, we are also peers. Jealousy inevitably gets involved, and I was terrified to tell her I had gotten engaged. I asked if she truly wanted to be my maid of honor—I was trying to give her an out. My sister does not value celebrating other people, and I really do—so I felt like I was setting myself up for disappointment. She got really wrapped up in the role of being MOH, but didn’t put much effort and action into it. It felt like a surface level interest. I was willing to forgo all this because she is my sister, and I love her and want her involved.
Recently she severely abused my trust, in a way that put me in a very difficult position. I let her know my trust was violated and she retaliated defensively. For the first time in our relationship, I stood my ground (which is very hard for a people pleaser), then she essentially threatened to drop out of my wedding.
She has come around a bit, but I am left wondering: is this truly someone I want standing up there with me? It felt empowering to stand up for my values, and I don’t want to give her another opportunity to walk all over me, especially during a time that is supposed to be about celebration. I also fear lasting damage if I do this. So what do I pick, my values or my sister? Is there a chance for balance?
Kelsey G
A: Dear Kelsey G,
She’s your sister.
You don’t get along, she can be sort of cruddy, and she found a way to make this position of honor all about herself, rather than about being there for you during a special time. You sort of knew all of that going into it, and still chose her for this special role. So I’m thinking that to you, it’s less about celebrating her as a person, and more about celebrating her relationship to you as sister (even though she’s not very great at being one).
And you know, that’s fair. A person can sometimes be a jerk, and still be someone you want to celebrate and recognize, if only for your blood connection.
But maybe you gave her this honor, hoping she’d be the sister you wish she was, rather than the sister she’s always been. You hoped she’d take this title and use it as an opportunity to lend a hand, to bond, to throw you parties and give you gifts. It sucks that she didn’t rise to that challenge, but it’s also not really a shock. Not that she’s got the right idea or anything, but I’d take that as a cue to follow her lead and consider this an in-title-only sort of honor. Sure, she’s your maid of honor, but you’ve learned by now not to expect too much help or consideration from her direction.
So no, I wouldn’t revoke the maid of honor title. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t stand your ground. Continue to establish boundaries and hold fast to your values. You’re not responsible for how your sister responds. You’re only in control of how you act. If she chooses to step down from her role, that’s her choice. Don’t kill yourself bending over backward to maintain something as “crappy.” If it’s crappy anyway (and a relationship without room for boundaries is crappy), then why have it be crappy plus enormous amounts of bending-over-backward effort?
While you’re standing your ground and defending your ideals, think about the small ways to save your sanity here. Sure, she’s your maid of honor, yadda yadda. But that doesn’t mean she has to come dress shopping, or be there when you’re getting ready, or do any other number of things that can threaten your sanity or your stress levels. If she’s treating this role as just a title, you can feel free to do the same.
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