Q: My extended family is a big clique—I don’t fit in, and have chosen to get married on another continent from where they all live. My fiancé’s father doesn’t fly, and it was obvious to me we needed to plan a wedding where he would be present, which meant France. I thought that since a flight to France isn’t affordable for all, the bonus would be that I wouldn’t have all the aunts and cousins tagging along—it could, for once, just be a small intimate gathering between our parents and siblings.
My mother recently let me know that everyone got together and decided (without consulting me) that they would all come to the wedding (everyone was told it was an elopement, not invited!) because my mom and dad are paying for their flights. They are calling it a “wedding gift,” and I don’t know how to react because now they will band together and avoid spending any quality time with my husband’s family! I already asked my dad if we could have ONE dinner, lunch, or even a coffee just between the parents and siblings, and he declined because his priority is taking care of our extended family. How do I deal with this?! I’m so hurt that he is ignoring my needs and wishes, and putting everyone else above me on the list of priorities…
Then my brother called to tell me that my decision to get married in France hurt him. There’s nothing I can do to make him feel better, so I told him that I didn’t feel he had any right to share that with me—I’m attempting to set boundaries about people butting in and imposing (unloading!) their emotions on me when it’s not their place. I’m not in danger, or causing anyone harm. He’s just annoyed because I’m not doing things his way, and I’m not putting my entire family above my new parents-in-law. He believes he has a right to vent his emotions. I don’t know how to deal with this either. I need a healthy way to establish boundaries, and maybe even someone to tell me if I really am being horribly inconsiderate to my extended and intimate family.
Anonymous
A: Dear Anonymous,
Eloping sometimes causes hurt feelings. There’s really no way around that one. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re being inconsiderate (it sounds like you’ve actually considered what you’re doing quite a bit), but it does mean you might feel some backlash. It is completely, entirely up to you if you’d like to elope. That’s your choice. It’s not up to your parents, and no matter how badly it makes them feel, it’s not up to your extended family.
Let’s give your family the benefit of the doubt for a minute. Maybe they don’t realize they’re rudely ignoring your requests and trampling your plans. It’s possible they don’t even notice they’ve just invited themselves to your wedding. Sometimes people do this thing where they convince themselves that what they want for you is also what you want for you (because why wouldn’t you!). It could be that your family really does believe they’re doing something nice for you by offering to all internationally crash your wedding. Start there, at that benefit of the doubt place, and clue them in. Let them know that while you really appreciate the generosity, what you’d actually had in mind was something small, intimate, and involving just the parents and siblings. Give them a chance to say, “Oh, whoops, I’m so sorry!” just in case there’s a misunderstanding.
Unfortunately, they probably won’t say, “Oh, whoops, I’m so sorry!” Instead, there’ll probably be a good bit of pushback. But you asked how to set boundaries, and right there—around keeping the elopement an elopement—is a good place to start, if that’s really what you want. Setting boundaries is not easy. It being difficult doesn’t always mean that you’re doing it wrong, or you’re being a jerk. It just takes firm reiteration. Sometimes, constant reiteration.
Setting boundaries also takes a little practice. I completely have your back about keeping this elopement an elopement. But, your brother is allowed to tell you how your actions make him feel. Generally speaking, people should be able to tell one another those things. Other than some slight exceptions to this rule, it’s usually pretty healthy to be able to say, “What you just did hurt me.” You may be right that there isn’t much you can do to make him feel better. But, you can say, “I’m sorry that I made you feel that way.” That’s it. Acknowledge that you care about how he feels without allowing that information to change your plans, and you still manage to firm up that boundary around your decision to elope.
So, for a recap. You get to decide who is invited to your wedding. You do not get to decide how people feel about it, and whether or not they say so. Setting boundaries with your family can be difficult, but is still important (even if it causes some hurt feelings).
And finally, it can be easy to stick to your guns just because… you said you would! They’re your guns! So remember that boundaries sometimes meet up with compromise, and that’s okay too.
If you would like to ask APW a question, please don’t be shy! You can email: askteampractical [at] apracticalwedding [dot] com. If you would prefer to not be named, anonymous questions are also accepted. Though it really makes our day when you come up with a clever sign-off!
