Maybe it was better when I just didn’t see.
Preschool
Me: “Mom, being a boy is better than being a girl.” Mom: “If I was God and could change it, would you want to be a boy?”
Me: “No. I just want to do all the boy things.”
Mom: “You can. Here is a woman who is an astronaut. A doctor. A teacher. A dog sled musher. It wasn’t always true, but now you can do anything you want to.”
I believed her. I could be everything.
Maybe it was better when I just didn’t see.
Junior High
Ms. G: “Has anyone figured out the pattern in who I’m calling on?”
Me: “No”
Ms. G: “One girl, and then one boy.”
Me: “Why?”
Ms. G: “Because studies show that girls don’t get called on in school as often as boys do, and that makes them think they’re not as smart as boys.”
Me: “That’s dumb- no one actually thinks girls are bad at chemistry anymore. I’m going to be a scientist just like you.”
I believed in myself. I could be anything.
Maybe it was better that I just didn’t see.
Undergrad
Prof W: “No one will listen to you on a job site unless you’re wearing heels and a bikini. I’m sorry, but it’s true.”
Me: “Pssh, I’m not going to work in construction. I’d have to listen to guys like you talk about football and pornography. I’m studying structural design, which is more interesting than construction anyways.”
The only female professor in my engineering department was denied tenure at a different school. Maybe it was because she is a woman, but maybe it was because her research wasn’t getting enough grant money. Soil research isn’t very exciting, you know, and I can do better.
I can be better. I will do something worthwhile.
Maybe it was better that I just didn’t see.
Graduate School
Why do the men in my grad program give so many more talks about their research than me? Why are they on a first name basis with the dean and I’m not? Maybe their work is better. Maybe they deserve it. Maybe I need to be more self-confident. Maybe it’s because I don’t play racquetball with the guys.
I didn’t want to learn that being a girl matters, but maybe it does.
I can be better. I can try harder.
Maybe it was better when I just didn’t see.
A Wedding
Why do I have to do all the work? Why won’t vendors call and ask for him? Why do I have to worry about changing my name & he doesn’t? I have exams to pass. Why is planning a wedding my job and not ours?
I can be better. I can try harder.
Maybe trying harder isn’t working.
Maybe it was better when I just didn’t see.
Pregnancy
Why am I hoping I’ve managed to look fat and not pregnant at a job interview? Why am I told to be scared of losing my looks, and he’s reassured that the extra responsibility will look good for promotions at work? Why am I mad at my spouse because I’m scared his career will get better treatment than mine?
Maybe I just need to be better, and I’ll be respected too. Maybe he’s really smarter than me, and that’s why it happens. Maybe if I’m back at work two weeks after giving birth, they’ll believe I deserve to the new job.
Maybe it was better when I just didn’t see.
Its hormones.
Women are so emotional.
Just be more comfortable asserting yourself.
It’s true, there aren’t many women faculty here, but we just haven’t been able to find qualified applicants.
Because now that I see, I’m angry.
And being angry doesn’t help.
Maybe it was better when I just didn’t see.
Photo: Lisa Wiseman
