Q: I’m getting married on Mother’s Day this year (due to conflicting schedules and venues, that’s just the way it worked out). I want to in some way recognize the mothers who are choosing to spend their special day with us at our wedding, but I’m not sure what would be appropriate.
You see, I have some family members (young cousins and uncles) who lost dear wives and mothers within the past two years, and I don’t want to remind them of their loss by emphasizing my mom and all the other moms who are making this wedding possible. In some way, I think I’m hoping they get caught up in the festivities and that they forget what day it is. On the other hand, I also don’t want to completely ignore that this could be a painful day for them.
Do you have any recommendations for how to walk this line? I don’t want to make things even more difficult for my grieving family by being accidentally insensitive.
-Anonymous
A: Dear Anonymous,
I know it may feel like you need to avoid making your loved ones think about the ones they miss. But, don’t put that pressure on yourself. When you lose someone, you never forget it. Grief is often even more present when the death is recent, but it’s also not something that ever really goes away (meaning it could be painful for people who lost loved ones a long time ago too).
Even if you go to huge lengths to avoid mention of mothers at all, chances are that a family event will remind them of the family they’ve lost anyway. Being around loved ones, seeing other families interact, and celebrating big milestones has a way of doing that. And pretending the loss didn’t happen can hurt those who are grieving even more than reminders of the person who died.
I don’t say that to make you feel worse. Just to remind you that mourning someone close to you can be a nonstop, unpredictable sort of thing. While it’s thoughtful of you to consider hurt feelings, trying to completely avoid thoughts or mentions of these loved ones who are gone isn’t helpful, or even realistic. The people in attendance probably know what they are in for emotionally, and have chosen to be there. Instead of tiptoeing around what’s happened, let the people you love know that you think of these mutually important folks, too. Fondly remember happy memories with them. Grief can be a lonely place and knowing that others remember with you can help so much.
So if you’d like to specifically honor the moms, go for it. It might be a good idea to do something small and quiet—maybe on an individual basis, rather than something showy (like asking all the moms to stand and be applauded, for example). Being sure to keep it simple and quiet isn’t just for the sake of folks who’ve lost moms, but also moms who’ve lost kids, or women who don’t have kids and would like to. Better still, ask around and see what those close to you think. Something that would seem super thoughtful to one crowd, might hit the wrong chord with another. You know your people, and you can double-check your gut instinct with those around you.
It could be as simple as going out of your way to thank the mothers in attendance when you’re visiting with them. Or making a point of giving the centerpieces to the moms of young kids. Or, if you are going to do something more public, it could be a matter of including the names of mothers who are no longer with you (with permission from partners and family members, of course).
What do you think APW? What are some other quiet ways to honor moms at a wedding?
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