Q:DEAR AMY
Several years ago I met a guy and sparks flew. I was enchanted to meet him but as it turns out he was in love with someone else. Nothing ever happened between us. As the years went by, we’ve become pretty good friends, and (except for my feelings) it’s been totally platonic. Nothing physical at all, never discussed romantic feelings, never a hint from him that he was interested.
Now he’s getting married! I’m invited, and the RSVP deadline is staring me down. I’ve met his financé several times, and she is lovely. I’m sure they will be very happy together, and I wish them nothing but the best.
But. Still. I cannot lie to you, I’m into him. I’m into the way he walks, the way he talks, the way he says my name. I’m incredibly torn on whether I can/should/want to go to this wedding. On the one hand, it’d be easy to simply decline, send a gift, and carry on being friends with them. On the other hand, I always go to weddings, he has been a very good friend to me and clearly wants me to go, and it might be good to see them tie the knot and help me close this chapter.
Should I go?
—saylor twift
A:DEAR saylor,
Okay, I have an important question for you: Does he have a brother?
I kid, I kid.
Or do I?
Anyway, whenever my emotions get too big and start to take over my brain, I remember this mantra: feelings are not facts. Which is to say, you have a monster crush on this guy, but your letter tells me that’s all that’s going on here. Your history together sounds like a really nice, if somewhat complicated, friendship. He hasn’t been unfaithful to his partner with you, and maybe he doesn’t even know you’re that into him? So the truth is that whether or not you can be at this wedding is up to you.
Are you worried you might… do something if you go? Stage an intervention? Throw yourself at the groom? Make a drunken scene? If so, don’t go. Those romantic moments in movies where a friend saves their bestie from marrying the wrong person? It only works when both people acknowledge the unspoken love for each other.
In this case, you are not looking at an Avery and April from Grey’s Anatomy situation here. You are looking at a Julia Roberts and Dermot Mulroney in My Best Friend’s Wedding kind of situation. And Julia Roberts was not the hero of that movie, you feel me?
All that said, I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt here. I don’t think you’re going to pull an Avery. In fact, what I really want is to challenge you to go to this wedding and see it for what it really is: your friend is marrying someone he loves. And you like her! It’s bittersweet, and you can totally own that. But beyond that? I would go and have as much fun as possible. (Fun fact: I once attended a wedding for a close friend whose partner I hated. So I spent six months psyching myself up for the wedding, telling myself it would be a great time. I bought an AMAZING dress, and even wore a talisman I bought specifically to remind myself that I was having a good time. And you know what? It worked. I faked it until I made it. I had fun, even though he remains someone I dislike.)
Could you do the same? Have fun, even if part of you is hopelessly in love with him? If you look in your heart and the answer is yes, I suspect it might give you some closure. Or at the very least, an excuse to buy a (very, very) cute dress and drink someone else’s champagne.
Just make sure you find a solid wing-person who will make sure you don’t have too much champagne. Because that choose-your-own-adventure story ends badly in every direction it follows.
—Amy March
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