APW Happy Hour


Artificial intelligence, FLOTUS, and Sophia Amoruso 〈( ^.^)ノ

by Meg Keene, CEO & Editor-In-Chief

Meg Keene with Sophia Amoruso

Hi Everyone,

It’s been a crazy, crazy week around here. We relaunched the site last week (round one! Full rebuild coming to theaters near you soon), and we’re still dealing with everything from load times to font readability. It’s cool, though. It’ll all happen. Plus, we’re still on a high from announcing the launch of APW’s sister site The Compact, coming for you summer of 2017 (but with magical feminist newsletters starting now). We’re up and running on Facebook, so please join the party there. (And Instagram! And Pinterest!)

Amidst all the madness I got to meet #girlboss Sophia Amoruso, founder of Nasty Gal, at the Re:Make conference. We are similar ages and started business within a few years of each other with zero capital, and have both had quite a ride. She was lovely and told me to keep fucking up weddings. She tried to come around the table to take a picture with me, which they wouldn’t quite let her do, so the result is the slightly unflattering but still cool shot above.

TL;DR: Thanks for the amazing ride these past eight and a half years, you guys. And thanks for your patience as we iron out the kinks in our newest projects.

xoxo

Meg

LINK ROUNDUP

When Her Best Friend Died, She Rebuilt Him Using Artificial Intelligence

FLOTUS just hosted her last Harvest Garden, and y’all: we’ll miss her.

Why Do Brides Wear White?

Poland just shut down an abortion ban in a terrific way.

Eleven-year-old Marley Dias interviewed Hillary and it’s the best!

Meg Keene

Meg is the Founder and EIC of APW. She has written two best selling wedding books: A Practical Wedding and A Practical Wedding Planner. Meg has her BFA in Drama from NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts. She lives in Oakland, CA with her husband and two children. For more than you ever wanted to know about Meg, you can visit MegKeene.com. #NASTY

Staff Picks

[Read comment policy before commenting]

  • Brynna

    Got my dress! I didn’t “fall in love” with it (is that a real thing? I mean, I like it a lot, but there were no tears), but it was a fan favorite, fairly inexpensive, and seems classic to me, so I’m going with it.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/00c0eae7e6ce7c2f0a881f831407124bb9b29c7cc87040b21c737509123d0dd7.jpg

    • Alex

      hehe felt the EXACT same way about my dress and went with it for those EXACT reasons :)

    • Laura C

      It’s beautiful.

      I actually know a couple people who have surprised themselves by crying when they picked their dress, but I sure didn’t.

      • idkmybffjill

        I cried at several dresses – but each time only when the veil was applied – I think just a HOLY SHIT I LOOK LIKE A BRIDE moment.

        The dress I picked everyone burst into tears when I walked out in it… but I think we’re just those kinds of people!

        ETA: And I when I picked my dress I made a rule I wasn’t allowed to see it with a veil til I was pretty sure. Veils sway things!

        • Anon

          I tear up at the first sign of a veil too – whenever I’m helping one of my sisters pick out a dress. Something about the veil just makes it real.

          • idkmybffjill

            Yes! I almost bought a different dress cause I was like I AM A BRIDE NOW. lol

        • Yeah, the veil really does sway things. Do not put a veil on, unless you’re pretty sure you love the dress anyways!!!!!!

    • Lisa

      You look gorgeous! Stunningly simple and elegant.

      • Lisa

        I’ll also say that I never cried in my dress. My mom built it from scratch, and while I loved it and was amazed with it and had fun twirling in it, I never wept because of how pretty I looked.

        • Gaby

          Yeah, I am a crier and I was excited and knew when it felt like the right dress but I didn’t cry. Well, I teared up towards the end because David’s Bridal does some little poem with a bell when you’ve chosen a dress and that’s just the right kind of sappiness to put me over the edge.

    • Ashlah

      I adore your dress! I felt happy and fun while wearing my dress, but there were no tears and no “falling in love.”

    • idkmybffjill

      Oh my god it’s so beautiful!

    • MC

      Oh that is lovely! And yep, when I picked my dress, I was like, “Hey, I like it, I look like myself in it, cool!” No tears.

    • Kaitlyn

      I think it’s beautiful!

    • Kat

      So pretty! Yeah, I used to have brides second guess themselves because the loved the dress but weren’t emotional about it. I was always like “Are you the type of person to usually cry over clothing?!” TV has made buying a dress sooooo dramatic. For some girls it just isn’t.

      • idkmybffjill

        “Are you the type of person to usually cry over clothing?!”

        I think this is the most important question! I cried and I am a CRIER. I would’ve been confused if I hadn’t. Not everyone is a crier!

        • Kat

          I’m an angry crier. If I’m crying in a bridal shop, things are NOT going well. Lol

          • Alanna Cartier

            I’m an all-occasions crier, but I didn’t cry when I bought my dress.

    • janie

      I had a similar no-tears experience, and for the record I am a “cryer” (my mom says we should hire ourselves out for low-attendance funerals, morbid but true!). I think what solidified it for me was seeing my mom and friends’ reaction to the dress… although I didn’t have an emotional reaction I knew that had to be it.

      • AGCourtney

        LMAO! there’s a business opportunity.

    • sofar

      I LOVE airy, flowy dresses like yours.

      I also had no teary “Say yes to the dress” experience. I tried it on, was like, “I am unlikely to find a better more flattering dress at this price point” and that was that.

      • Jeankmcclaskey4

        Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !mj446d:
        On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
        !mj446d:
        ➽➽
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    • Olive

      That dress looks like it has a great twirl! So gorgeous!!

    • Poppy

      I didn’t fall in love either, until I got to put it on for the wedding. It looks beautiful on you!

    • cml

      So pretty! I didn’t cry over my dress, so don’t feel bad. I love my dress, but I was so extremely unemotional over the whole process that I think I freaked out the ladies helping me at the shop. Haha

    • KPM

      Totally describes my attitude to my dress. But then I totally fell in love my shoes!

    • Alyssa Andrews

      Same! I have no tears (and tried on at least 15 dresses), but the dress I’m planning on getting evoked more of a “Now THAT’S what I had in mind for a wedding dress”, and instead of tears, I feel mostly relieved and comfortable. Not the reaction I anticipated, but it definitely feels better than getting super emotional about the experience!

      • cml

        Me too, exactly! And the lady helping me said she KNEW I’d pick that one, so I was like, “well why did you make me try all those others, then? My back hurts!” Lol
        I did have a dream a few weeks ago that I went to pick up my dress and I had bought something else – and dream me was so regretting not buying the right dress. So I guess I am emotionally attached to it, now.

    • Katherine

      I didn’t cry either. I just tried mine on and was like “yes, there are no other options.”

      • Grace

        Yep. Exactly.

    • I cried when I found the dress…and then regretted my purchase the following day. But it was at a DB, so there’s no way to return it. So that just goes to show you that even if you *did* cry, it doesn’t make it some miraculous event.

      It’s alright, I guess. Still not sure how I feel about it. I got it altered, but now I feel that the top is too loose. ‘Though the DB seamstress said it was fine. I dunno. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6112c21d09487458a328c464045824ca23f9befb406d5a117d8258022c67b5f9.jpg

      • Lisa

        If you’re not happy with it, maybe you should get a second opinion from a non-affiliated seamstress/tailor. The quality of work the DB tailoring provides varies greatly from store to store. I know, when my sister bought a dress from them, the zipper was broken on the dress that she received, and they tried to convince her that they could just put in a normal one instead of the invisible kind that was already in the dress. My mom, a seamstress, made them cut a zipper out of another dress and ended up doing all of the alterations herself.

    • joanna b.n.

      This dress makes me want to get married all over again. Which is saying something, since I would never want to go through planning a wedding all over. But for that dress? Perhaps…

      Enjoy it, lady. It’s gorgeous, check that off the list. :)

  • Anonymous Employee

    Today was supposed to be the last day of my Performance Improvement Plan. But boss pushed it out til next week, and wants me to finish a project by Monday morning – which means working over the weekend.

    She also followed that up with a long, extended speech about how she has no sympathy for me, since she regularly works 70 hours/week, takes care of a baby, etc. Mmm, okay, boss.

    I am looking for another job, but for now my household relies on my salary so I’ll be staying here as long as I can. The job search process can really take a while!

    In the midst of everything I’m really grateful to have my loving, supportive partner who listens to me complain about the crazy boss. And a lawyer BFF who has been advising me since the beginning of this BS.

    Here’s hoping you all have a weekend that is more sweet than bitter <3

    • Olive

      Best of luck! Sounds like you have a good support system, and hopefully you can find little joys this weekend

      • Anonymous Employee

        Thank you, Good Women of the Internet.

    • Alex

      Good luck! Agreed about job searching taking forever! The only way I make it through my days is a mantra “Every day I go to work, we are that much closer to being able to move to a home we want to” Hopefully you’ll be out soon (but on your terms and when you want to!)

    • flashphase

      oh jeez. good luck! You WILL find another job!

    • Poppy

      This sucks!!! I am so sorry to hear it’s happening to you.

    • Alyssa Andrews

      Sending “new job” hopes your way! You deserve better than to be treated that way at work.

    • Another Anonymous

      Ugh, I am so so sorry! I was worried I was going to end up on a PIP earlier this year and then instead, I ended up laid off, which was a huge jolt. The job search process takes far too long! Last time, I job hunted it took me about 3 months to get my first offer and then another month to get a second offer. I’m so frustrated that I now have to go through that again.

      • Anonymous Employee

        I’m sorry to hear your story, too!

        The PIP process has been awful, really demoralizing, and that combined with my boss’s crappy attitude was making me almost relieved that I would likely get laid off yesterday. But then it didn’t happen! I’m grateful for the paychecks to continue for as long as they will, but it really sucks working in this toxic environment.

        Best of luck in your job search. I hope we will find much better opportunities soon!

  • AGCourtney

    Alright, I missed last week, but here’s what I was planning on saying: I started Mind Over Money, and thought to myself, “This is interesting – but I don’t really need it right now since everything’s going so well!” And then I found out that my husband had accrued ~$2,500 in credit card debt in the past month and a half. For context, that’s over half our monthly income; we each get $300 “allowance” into our personal accounts each month. So that’s a lot. And an agreed-upon financial expectation was no/minimal credit card debt. So BAM all my money-security anxieties came into play and it was really fun to work through those. Our first official “fight” of the marriage – well, that seems too strong of a term, emotional discussion might be more accurate – actually went really well, and it was good to find we can communicate and get through this stuff. So the book ended up being timely after all!

    A brief update on my family drama: I have simply stepped out of the situation with my homeless mom and sisters. I have tried, there is nothing more I can reasonably do, given that they’re not speaking to me. Apparently my mother is engaged now. My next-door neighbor saw it on Facebook. Sigh. And apparently I have to help my dad baby-step through applying for an apartment? I’m about ready to scream. But he’ll be out of here next month, what a relief.

    On a positive note: Ren Fest was such a special, wonderful experience for my daughter and me this season. We were there almost every day and she was beloved by so many people at the festival. (That’s why we were gone last week; they’re open the final Friday for a 3-day weekend.) On the final day, she got hugs and special privileges and even a gift from so many of the cast members there. It made my heart swell with joy to see how happy she was and all the love she received. When I was putting her in her carseat that night, she grinned at me and said, “Mommy, my life is so cool.” <3

    • Lisa

      Ok, that’s got to be the highest praise from your little one! Definitely swoon worthy.

      That must have been such a difficult discussion with your husband. I cannot even imagine how I would react if I found out my husband had racked up credit card debt. (Probably not well.) Hopefully you guys are working through it well?

      The family drama continues to suck. Hopefully things will work themselves out soon.

    • Allison

      Aaaah when you think your partner is good with money and find out they did something duuumb! I found out a few weeks ago that my boyfriend had missed a couple credit card payment deadlines (and not because he didn’t have the money, just because he was too disorganized and forgot) and ended up paying ~$500 in late fees and interest. First I very calmly explained to him that diorganization with money scared me deeply and if he didn’t come up with a better system I’d prefer to have control of the joint credit card. Then 30 minutes later I started sobbing and continued for 2 straight hours.
      I think my breakdown scared him straight, because he immediately implemented some remember strategies and autopay as backup and he keeps telling me proudly when he’s paid the credit card bill.

      • AGCourtney

        righhhht? I am by far the better one with money in our relationship (but I don’t hold people to my standards- e.g., we bought a house the summer after I graduated from undergrad with money I’d saved in those three years) but he’s gotten much better over the past few years. We’ve had numerous discussions about money in that time, and had settled on shared values – and YNAB really worked for him. So it was really frustrating to find that he suddenly went on this huge spending spree. He knows how important money is to me, but I was so visibly distraught in the time between finding out – because he didn’t tell me, mind you, I found out – and when we had our discussion, and I think that really had an impact on him, too. I learned afterward he was afraid I would suggest a divorce! So he knew he was in trouble, haha.

        • Allison

          I’m also the one who’s better with money. Not being great at money isn’t a dealbreaker for me, but not creating work-arounds to deal with that definitely would be.

    • Ashlah

      Hoo boy, surprise credit card debt accrual would send me into a tailspin, so I’m glad you’re communicating well and figuring it all out together. Hopefully that’s a one-time lesson for him!

      And your last line made me grin. What a perfect thing to hear from your kiddo.

      • AGCourtney

        Oh, I was in *panic mode* for a day and a half before we had our discussion. Hopefully. x_x

        It was so sweet and spontaneous! :) Disqus isn’t letting me upload pictures right now, so maybe I’ll just try to upload some next week, haha.

    • Cellistec

      Stepping away from your family struggles sounds like a smart dose of self-care. I’m doing it to a lesser degree and it’s so hard, but so necessary. Deep breaths and scream if it’ll help, I say.

  • Lisa

    Thank you for all of your lovely birthday wishes last week, everyone! Husband made an amazing three course dinner, and we had perfect backpacking weather. (I think we’ve determined my pack is somehow the wrong size because I have an awful rash on my left hip and bruises on my clavicles. Still fun! Still outdoors!)

    Next Tuesday is our second anniversary!! I’ve been working on my cotton present in secret for about a month, and I’m finally read to get it framed. I made this cross stitch pattern that I found on Etsy. The fish are an inside joke, and my husband has two clown fish so I transformed these little guys into Nemos for him. :)

    • Eenie

      Can’t see your cross stitch!

      • Lisa

        I linked to the pattern! I don’t have a good picture of my own final product yet since I haven’t framed it.

        • Eenie

          The link doesn’t work! It says Uh-oh.

          • Lisa

            Thank you! I’ve updated the link so it should work now.

          • So cute!!!!

          • Lisa

            Thank you! He loved it when we exchanged presents at midnight. :)

    • janie

      When/how did you learn to cross stitch? My mom has beautiful cross stitches that she made when she and my dad were first married that say “Jones House est 1987” and the like but I think she grew up cross stitching. It seems like the kind of activity that’s right up my alley but I don’t know where to start. (Samplers? Is there a 2016 version of the sampler?? Is the sampler timeless? Where does one buy them?)

      • Lisa

        Your aside is hilarious! I snorted at my desk.

        My mom is big on handcrafts (she made my wedding dress, worked as a tailor for years, crocheted afghans, cross-stitched Christmas stockings and a tree skirt, etc.) so she taught me when I was younger. I’m a visual learner so I’ve reintroduced myself to a lot of crafts like crocheting via YouTube over the years. There are a lot of basic crafts channels to teach you things.

        For patterns, I’ve really been liking Etsy. I’d recommend doing something small (4″ x 4″ would be a good size) and with fewer colors until you’ve got the hang of it. Maybe you could get the materials together and have your mom help you get started over the holidays if you’re going home? I’ve been able to find most of the stuff I’ve needed at Jo-Ann’s, and it’s pretty cheap with all of the coupons they run.

        • janie

          I hadn’t thought of youtube for samplers – I will definitely check it out! Thank you!

      • Sara

        Cross Stitching is one of go-to hobbies, and its super easy to learn. I do it while marathoning shows so I seam productive :)
        I bought a starter kit from this site – http://subversivecrossstitch.com/blog/ (I got the Bitch, Please one) But you can get thread for super cheap at any fabric store or hobby store.
        Good luck!!

        • Kat

          Oh my god take my money.
          I’ve been looking for something cute to hang in our guest bath. Nailed it.

      • YouTube videos!! And plenty of practice. You don’t really need a cross stitch sampler, because there aren’t that many stitches (unlike, say, embroidery). That being said, Alicia Paulson makes some adorable cross stitch samplers: http://aliciapaulson.com/collections/embroidery-patterns

    • AP

      Solidarity on the backpack-fit woes. The only one I’ve ever had that was actually comfortable was one I rented from REI for my first hike ever back in college. I think the only reason it didn’t rub me raw was that tons of sweaty people broke it in for me. Clavicle is always where they get me, too.

      • Lisa

        I’m glad to know I’m not the only one! I googled it when we got home Sunday, and the only thing I could find was a thread on a backpacking forum ca. 2009. I told one of our professors who’s into backpacking, and he said that the issues I’ve been having shouldn’t be happening. Husband and I were thinking of taking the pack to REI, loaded up the way we’ve been doing it, and asking for their opinion when we’re at my parents’ over Thanksgiving.

        • AP

          I think as long as you don’t go on Black Friday, that’s a good plan;)

          • Lisa

            As a retail worker, I plan to stay inside the house and not move on Black Friday! Probably Saturday or Sunday instead. :)

          • AP

            I got talked into going to the REI garage sale last year, and I’ve never been so aggravated in my life. The pressure to buy stuff just because I spent 2 hours waiting in line JUST TO WAIT IN ANOTHER LINE was ridiculous. I ended up bailing on a cart full of stuff (that I truthfully didn’t need) out of sheer overwhelm and refusal to stand in YET ANOTHER line to check out. I love REI, but only when I have all the time in the world to try stuff on and ask questions about gear.

          • Lisa

            Oh, that’s good to know. We got memberships this year and are thinking about going to the garage sale for the first time. Best to get there early then?

            And REI is totally the place for looking around and trying stuff out that I don’t need but want. Thankfully there is no store in our state, and the closest one is an hour drive away. Otherwise, this would be very dangerous. I think the way I look at REI and cooking/wine stores is how other people feel about Target.

          • AP

            Yes, get there early and well-fed. Block off a few hours. Promise yourselves drinks when it’s over. I’m sure it can be done successfully and with minimal tears, but I was completely unprepared when my group was like, ‘hey, let’s stop at the REI garage before lunch’ and 2 hours later we’re still in line…

            If I remember right, you take a number when you go inside. Then they call groups of numbers to go into the sale area, where you only get like 20 minutes. You can’t even go in without a number. So people just grab as much as they can and then dump what they don’t want into bins scattered around. Our number was like 150 behind the numbers they were calling when we got there, so figure 20 minutes times each set of numbers between yours and the ones they’re on…I want to say they were calling 25 at a time or so. Then I think (?) you take another number to check out. This was in Phoenix at a huge store, so it may be different in other places.

            Good luck!!

          • We don’t usually go to the garage sales, but recently we just received, like ~$50 in coupons from REI for…no reason? Dunno. FI bought a down layer, lol.

        • NolaJael

          Yes! I’m surprised you couldn’t find more helpful stuff on the internet? There are tons of knowledgeable people out there who can help you. REI is a great place to start.

          • Lisa

            I was, too! Perhaps I didn’t use the right keywords, but 2009 was the earliest I got. I think the other was a Yahoo question thread or something like that from 2007.

            We originally got the pack through REI’s web-site and took it in to make sure it was correct when we bought my husband’s. They told me to size down to an XS so we swapped it out. (I’m still surprised by the size as I’m 5’10”, but whatever…) I’m having issues with the mesh not sitting up against my back and getting the weight distributed evenly between the shoulders and waist straps. Hopefully REI can get me sorted out even if it’s with a completely different pack!

  • ART

    I was just coming here to say how much I LOVE Michelle Obama and how much I will miss her. I know she doesn’t want to be in politics but I can’t wait to see what she does next.

    • Lorraine

      I wasn’t gung ho about many things in Obama’s administration, except for a few very good developments that meant a lot to me, but Michelle was truly flawless the whole eight years.

  • Eenie

    We were supposed to be in Orlando doing Disney World right now (5 year dating anniversary)…but Hurricane Matthew had other plans! Hope everyone is safe along the coast.

    As promised from last week, this guy joined our family last weekend and has been settling in quite nicely. Feel free to leave your adorable cat pictures here.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/aa7c94644ded89c49fdcc3a0f095b2fb06ec8073205cd7427ce9447b62c20638.jpg

  • Alex

    Hurricane Matthew made a last minute turn last night around 11pm and didn’t wipe my hometown off the map. Fewf. All the other shitty things that happened this week pale in comparison to the complete relief I have for everyone still in the community I grew up in (including my parents).

    In other news, my backwards engineering company decided to start a “women’s initiative” which hosts monthly seminars that range from gender bias (which is great for women to hear more of and men to just not give a shit, yay), to work-after-maternity-leave (with no mention of what the policy ACTUALLY is) to — wait for it — generation differences. Because obviously only women care about learnign about generational differences. And it was completely worthless (which I assumed going in), but I went so that I could continue saying that it was useless. UGH. I read a lot of management theory (because I find it entertaining) and was pretty involved with the business school when i was in grad school, and my company is soooooooo backwards. Blah. endrant

    But my parents’ house is still standing! So yay!

    • Eenie

      Do you have a local Society of Women Engineers professional and/or collegiate section? You could partner with them to create seminars that would actually be helpful.

      ETA – I know it’s not you that’s organizing them, but they are a good organization to reach out to!

      • emmers

        I’m not an engineer, but I follow them on facebook. They seem awesome.

        • Eenie

          Contrary to their name, you do not need to be a woman or an engineer to attend their events and join! I’ve been a member for eight years and absolutely love what they do.

        • Alex

          After John Oliver did a segment on beauty pageants, he helped bring SO much awareness to SWE and they got SO many donations from the John Oliver bump :)

      • Alex

        There is, but it’s for such a large metro area and their once-monthly events that are 45-60 minutes away start at 5 or 5:30 PM so I haven’t been able to make any of them. :( It’s so frustrating hearing HR talk about “what a great program” it is and pitch the “women’s focused seminars” on their recruiting page of the website when they’re SO BAD. In my office, we’re about 30-40% women at the lower levels and there are ZERO women at the top. And clearly they don’t care about figuring out why the majority of women never are sticking around past their late 30’s.

        • Eenie

          You could ask if the section is interested in doing a lunch and learn or a tour during the day. I’ve attended and hosted those at different workplaces in the past. I’m just trying to brainstorm ways that you could get some actual good content into the room and HR would realize what they are providing is not.

          Keep telling them it’s useless until they listen!

  • Call Me Penny

    Married!! We had a wonderful day, and while I can’t really believe it’s over, I’m so glad the planning is. Our main priority was food, and all day guests our kept saying that it wasn’t like ‘wedding food’, so money well spent there I think. Plus our venue surprised with a cake of cheese (four cheeses!) since we’re not cake people. So sweet of them, and the tastiest!

  • Laura C

    Baby started daycare this week! I basically hadn’t been alone in six months and it’s been amazing. Also, after having concluded a couple weeks ago that “gentle” sleep training was counter-productive with our kid (having us in the room and not holding him was a Big Problem), this week we broke down and just went with the Ferber method and so far it has been working incredibly well. We’re fully expecting to have a rebellion against it at some point, but a week ago one of us was up roughly every hour, and last night I actually woke him up in the night because I had to either feed him or pump. So I am feeling MUCH better about the world.

    Also my MIL and BIL are visiting this weekend and I’m curious how it’ll go. My relationship with my MIL was at its best ever basically from about six weeks after the baby was born until we moved, so … we’ll see.

    • rg223

      Ferber was almost literally a lifesaver for my family. My son also was not one for the “gentle” methods. I took such a huge but now obvious-sounding lesson from that experience, which is that everyone has to do what’s right for their family. I did some attachment-parent-y stuff with my son, and he didn’t hate it all, but it just wasn’t for him in the end. Anyway, glad things are going well for you!

      • Laura C

        We had even hired an online sleep consultant who suggested the gentle method, and when we went back saying this is not working and our level of sleep deprivation is getting dangerous, basically blamed it on us for letting him get overtired (well, yeah, because he’s screaming for two hours past his bedtime after we built our entire day around getting him enough naps). And then first night of Ferber, he was asleep in 40 minutes and only woke up twice.

        • rg223

          Ugh, I hate that the sleep consultant blamed you! It’s so frustrating when professionals prize a system or philosophy over helping a family.

    • Sarah

      Kids need to sleep and I believe as parents it’s our job to make sure they get it. I used a birth center, and am largely subscribing to the hippy-dippy natural birth/child-rearing stuff but some really extreme people say sleep training is the devil and cruel. Nope, did it when our bub was young and I’m still breastfeeding at nine months and can truly enjoy the time I spend with my kid. Good job mama!

  • Melody Christine

    How did/are any of you dealing with feeling unsupported by your usually very supportive friends and family? Or am I just imposing unusually high expectations on them?

    I am about 8 months away from my wedding, and feeling like every decision I am making is getting push back from the people I’ve always expected the most support from. My mom hates everything, from the date (too far away, living in sin and all that) to the type of dress I’m looking at (not bridal enough, not white enough, too expensive) to our budget (which is even higher than even she knows for this very reason). Every time I try to talk with my best friends the conversation devolves into “we are upset that you aren’t having a wedding party because we really want to be bridesmaids” or “we are upset that you aren’t having a dance floor because we really want to dance” or “why aren’t you having cake, we LOVE cake”

    I feel like I’m trying to plan a really beautiful and thoughtful wedding for my loved ones, but no one is really very excited about it, which is making it hard for me to be excited. Any one else deal with something like this?

    • Eenie

      I got the upset about not having a wedding party from a few people. It just plain old sucked, I have no words of wisdom for you. My only suggestion would be to stop telling these unsupportive people about your decisions! They forfeit the right to hear about it when they act like that.

    • flashphase

      YES, I am right there with you!!! MIL is super hands off and disapproves of, like, everything. FH has had numerous arguments with her where he tells her he wishes she would be excited about the wedding and she says, “I am excited.” (Just like that… flat tone, etc.) Also, it’s his second wedding, so that seems to figure into it.

      FH and I focus on getting each other excited about the wedding – and the marriage. And every little step that comes through (“We booked a DJ!!*!*!*!**!*!*!*!”), we try to take the time to get excited. That and having dates to remember that we are super in love and want to get married… and getting out of town for the weekend and turning off our phones :)

      • If it’s any consolation, I don’t emote well. And if there’s a *drop* of anxiety at all, I really can’t emote excitement. So I really only sound excited when (1) I’ve just earned/won something, (2) a gift is coming in the mail, or (3) I’m in line to see the movie set of The Hobbit.

        Maybe your MIL is excited, she just doesn’t express it the way everyone expects?

    • Olive

      YES. Mine was mostly from my mother and sister (also living in sin, dress was pink, my mom thought it was too small, planned everything with my husband/friends since mom & sis were being bitches about everything, so they also bitched about that). Friends were supportive, though, thankfully. I had a hard time being excited about wedding planning since everything I was doing was being criticized, but friends, cousins, my husband, and my MIL & SIL were clutch in being excited. My aunt was also really supportive in that she talked to my mom about getting over the fact that our ceremony was not religious. My aunts and cousins were the people at family gatherings asking questions about wedding planning, since my mom and sister seemingly wanted nothing to do with it.

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Try your hardest to find someone who can be supportive, whether it be a work friend, cousin, aunt, therapist, future in-law, etc. I hope you can find one person to help you get excited. Can you be frank with your friends and tell them that you need them to put their expectations aside and support you? If you want an e-mail pen pal I will be so excited for you! :) Good luck & stay strong!

    • AGCourtney

      Oh my god, yes. For example, my MIL found something to complain about with everything we did for the wedding. Everything. We actually decided to cut her off in the week or two before the wedding, only communicating bare essentials.

      It’s really disappointing – so it’s completely okay for you to grieve the support you expected. Then it might be helpful to find people who are excited – there are always people who love everything about weddings. Find those people. Make those your people you chat to about wedding stuff. If nothing else, this is a great community here! We’ll enthuse over your dress and your menu and validate the shit out of your choices, haha.

      …Also, I would in no way encourage you to actually do this, but sometimes I would visualize the following situation during the wedding planning process: handing my MIL a piece of paper and telling her, “If you have any other criticisms about decisions that have already been made, I invite you to write them down on this paper, roll it up, and shove it up your ass” and walking away. It was just satisfying to imagine it.

      • AP

        My MIL was a nightmare, too. ‘Why do we have to go all the way to Florida?’ ‘I’m not going to remember all of your names’ [to my family at the welcome cookout.] ‘Why did you waste your money on all these flowers?’ [as we’re giving her a corsage before the ceremony.]

        I’m really liking your shove it up your ass idea!

        • Olive

          omg. she sounds like a delight.

          I got a lot of “why do we need to drive 2 and a half hours?” from my mom, whereas my husband’s 89 year old grandparents came to Michigan FROM FLORIDA and his parents and aunts and uncles drove from the east coast and were ecstatic to be there.

          • Eenie

            Yes! His family all drove max four hours while everyone else either flew or drove 12 hours.

          • AP

            Right?! His family drove 4 hours, while mine drove overnight from Texas and didn’t complain one bit. Some people (cough-MIL-cough) just like to be assholes.

          • Lisa

            Yup. A very small contingent of my family showed up because it was too far. (The furthest away being a six hour drive each way, and most of them clustered in less than three hours.) However, my husband’s family flew in from places as far away as Alaska and London to celebrate with us. I couldn’t understand that.

      • Laura C

        Although when you keep information from people because they complain about the information they get, they are perfectly capable of becoming irate at being cut out, as we learned.

    • sofar

      Oh yes. This is the part of wedding planning that broke me. The thing I got HUGE push-back from was the fact that our bridal parties were mixed-gendered (he had a couple ladies on his side), didn’t wear matching outfits, and didn’t match in numbers (he had way more on his side).

      And, surprisingly, my very conservative, very vocal, very picky MIL was totally fine with all that. It was a lot of my supposedly progressive (self-identifying “feminist”) friends and family who freaked out. And BOY did they freak out. One told me our wedding party would “look like shit.” Another told me that my husband having female friends stand up with him was “unfaithful” to me. I stopped talking to both about the wedding, period. And I still no longer talk to one of them.

      And, yes, I got TONS of “not bridal enough” comments on my ensemble. To those people, I said, “OK let’s compromise. You can wear what you want to my wedding, and I’ll do the same. That way we can both be happy.”

      GOOD LUCK. Weddings bring out the worst in people.

      • AP

        “One told me our wedding party would “look like shit.” Another told me that my husband having female friends stand up with him was “unfaithful” to me.”

        What the actual fuck. What is WRONG with people?!

        • sofar

          It totally threw me for a loop, because both are presumably progressive (politically and socially). I marched for Planned Parenthood with one of them.

          I feel like there are so many wedding reality shows, that people don’t think much about shooting off their mouths with pithy comments about others’ weddings.

          • idkmybffjill

            Can I ask if either of them are married? I found my unmarried friends to be most guilty of being the most judgy.

          • sofar

            I think you are onto something there, because both are unmarried!

            Probably married women have so much PTSD from wedding judgment and are therefore more supportive.

          • Cellistec

            I think that’s true. At least, tntil you’ve been married a couple decades (cough*MIL*cough) and then you rediscover your ability to judge with impunity.

          • idkmybffjill

            Speaking from embarassingly personal experience, I was pretty smug about wedding planning before I had to do it. I had planned events, etc so I thought THIS WILL BE A BREEZE. Logistically? Pretty much yes, it has been. Emotionally? Dear lord I was unprepared. So many opinions go into decisions and I really don’t think that aside from being straight up unkind to your guests I’ll ever be as judgemental again.

          • sofar

            Right? I worked as an event-planner long ago, and I still had no IDEA how bad planning a wedding could get.

            When you’re planning a business/promotional event, yes you deal with difficult people, but you make decisions based on budget and time constraints and goals that everyone agrees on. With weddings you’re making decisions based on your mother freaking out because you don’t want to pay for chair covers on the perfectly GOOD white wooden chairs provided by the venue.

          • idkmybffjill

            YES. And like.. if people can’t attend your business event, it’s like – cool what’s the total? When it’s your wedding it’s like, DOES ANYONE EVEN LOVE ME.

            Details at a business event are like, ooh that looks good, done. At a wedding it’s like, WILL EVERYONE KNOW I’M A HACK IF I DON’T COMPLETELY NAIL THIS HANDLETTERED SIGN.

          • flashphase

            everyone knows that the amount you love your partner is DIRECTLY REFLECTED in how perfect your handlettered sign is!!!

          • AGCourtney

            And the longevity of the marriage is perfectly correlated to the quality of the centerpieces!

          • idkmybffjill

            I KNOW.

          • Shawna

            The only photo my husband and I would love to set actual fire to is the one that documents the hand lettered sign whose single word, CEREMONY, slides sadly down the right side and nearly off the sign. We thought leaving hand lettering to our DOC would make it look better… Now when we scroll through the photos cue all the hissing sounds at that one in the slideshow. Guess which photo is NOT going in the book!

          • Katherine

            As someone who finished their hand-lettered sign last night, this speaks to me.

          • idkmybffjill

            Get. It. Girl. I also *do* handlettering as a hobby and also sometimes people pay me for it. So I felt alot of pressure for my work for my wedding to be THE BEST WORK EVER and also REALLY UNIQUE. I was being really stupid, but I do really love my signs!

          • Vanessa

            Yeah I’ve thought back about things I said about my friends’ weddings before I was engaged….. I definitely have some regrets.

          • idkmybffjill

            Right? I thank Miss Manners so hard that I never said my judgements TO them.

          • Sarah

            same with a co-worker. I’m absurdly proud of biting my tongue and not saying “well, IF you ever get married then you can do xyz.” #petty

          • AP

            I think you’re totally right. Because 4 Weddings exists, everyone’s weddings are fair game.

            ETA: I’ve had to learn that progressive doesn’t automatically equal kind, too.

          • Lisa

            One of my friends couldn’t believe that we were only sending STD postcards instead of magnets, and she said, “But what will I use to hang it on my refrigerator???”

            In one of my wittier moments, I responded, “All of the other Save the Date magnets you’ve gotten from the three other weddings you’re attending this year.”

          • Vanessa

            That is excellent.

          • Eenie

            This is an actual situation on our fridge right now.

          • sofar

            Aren’t people strange, when it comes to what they think are wedding requirements?

            I can’t count the number of times I said, “Well, I looked up the marriage requirement for our state, and personalized toasting glasses/save the date magnets aren’t required.”

            I just had the most illuminating discussion with a dude, and he was saying how the bride “has to” wear a veil with a blusher. And I was like, “Dude! You are AT my wedding. I didn’t wear a blusher.” And he goes, “Oh… you didn’t????”

          • Lisa

            People can be nuts about weddings. That same friend said that, if we did a honeymoon registry, she would still buy us housewares because she only gives people housewares for the wedding.

            The fact that she is generally a normal, accepting, sweet person makes these strong opinions all the more baffling.

          • Gaby

            I’ve had to check my mom on some of those things. “Mom, personalized toasting glasses are just another item to have to keep track of on a busy day.” Luckily I can always point back to my quinceañera and remind her of all the items we forgot at home or forgot to just bring out for the party.

          • sofar

            I kept having the “too many moving parts” talk with my mom. “Mom, if we have to keep track of so many balls in the air, we might forget something that’s truly important.” She finally agreed with me after attending a very complicated wedding where the couple tried to Do all the Things and Have All The Things and I pointed out, “See mom? Look how many things got messed up because they tried too hard.”

          • Gaby

            Yep, we’re getting married and having the reception at home and all the “moving parts” are stored in the garage, but I still want as few possible complications as possible. Mom just needs reassurance that we’ll have memories and mementos to remind us of the day.

          • I’m an objects person, too. I feel like I need more of them for more memories. I get your mom. I also get not wanting to be like this, lol.

            I just get a Day of coordinator to resolve my too-many-moving-parts issues.

          • Gaby

            My mom normally isn’t an objects person, though. She just had a little bit of a hard time letting go of those expected “traditions.” But day-of coordinator sounds perfect for you! I’m trying to just stay organized with the APW excel sheets.

          • DB sales consultants keep doing this to me, but I know it’s just the marketing/commission issue.

            “Well you just HAVE to have a veil.”
            “No I don’t.”

            “Do you have everything you need, a garter and dress preservation kit?”
            “Well, I have everything that *I* need.”

          • sofar

            This is what sold me on buying from BHLDN.

            “Do you need to look at veils today, too?”

            “No. I’m not wearing one.”

            “OK! Cool. I’ll go pull that other dress you wanted.”

          • In DB’s defense, they do STFU *immediately* after I tell them “No.” If all I’m complaining about is the implication that I *must* have these things, but then they drop it when I respond, then it’s not half bad.

          • ART
          • Alyssa Andrews

            Lol I love this.

          • Are STD magnets really all that popular?! I’ve only ever gotten 1…wut.

          • Lisa

            I’d say the majority of STDs we’ve gotten have been magnetic. 2/3 weddings we’re attending this year had them, and the 1/3 was my close friend to whom I gifted the APW planner. She’s much less WIC/Pinteresty than the other two.

          • We made origami STDs, and now reading an article from 2013 when deciding whether to include the Goodridge Decision as a reading, found this quote gem: “Wedding celebrants, who design the ceremonies for weddings and, in some jurisdictions, officiate at them, said the passage is as trendy at modern weddings as origami invitations and handing out fake mustaches at the reception to look funny in the photos. ”

            womp wompppppppppppp
            tldr; everything is trendy at some point, lol.

          • Amy March

            Even progressive people can be rude!

          • sofar

            Of course they can!

            But it’s more like they’re not being rude in the way I EXPECTED. Like, you support a woman’s right choose … but not her own outfit? You support people being able to use the bathroom that matches their gender identity, but not CLOTHING that matches their gender identity at a wedding? You support same-sex marriage, but not opposite-sex wedding party attendants?

            It’s the *inconsistency* that puzzled me more than the rudeness thing.

          • Dess

            oh, this. One of my oldest friends really surprised me in this way and it was one of the biggest tests of my ” two weeks to go” zen. Thank god for the posse of people who surrounded me with just enough humor, open ears, and tequila to help me refocus on the bigger picture.

    • Poppy

      I had a little trouble with this with my mom….until I lent her the APW book (not the planner). It really helped her got over her vague sense of “but weddings have to be this way, or they aren’t weddings”. She read it, and called me immediately to tell me she completely understood why we had decided to forgo flowers completely.

    • idkmybffjill

      My Maid of Honor (I have a Maid and Matron which I maybe wouldn’t do again but I digress) was REALLY bad about sending me options for things that had already been decided. It hurt my feelings SO MUCH. Not the same but I felt like she was saying what I chose was bad. I think in retrospect she just wasn’t really paying attention to what had already been decided. It sucked! I’m sorry! Find any people who will be unabashadly pumped about your choices and share with them. For me, that was my mom.

      Good luck! Solidarity!

    • chrissyc

      I did. It was especially frustrating because I wanted to believe that people would be on (somewhat) good behavior for something that was so important to me. I think I read somewhere on APW that people don’t change for your wedding, and in fact big life events like getting married tend to highlight any pre-existing conflicts.

      I have no words of wisdom, just solidarity. Good luck!

    • NolaJael

      Oh, yes. We practically based all our plans around the “fact” that my family was more supportive than his. That did not turn out to be the case. :-/ For example, I asked my dad to write a blessing/prayer for the ceremony (he works in a church and writes well, this is right up his alley). When the rehearsal rolled around he said he hadn’t written anything because he didn’t think I was serious when I asked?! But it turned out that he was fighting off another bout of depression at the time. Everyone is living their own lives, even as your wedding goes on.

  • Maggie

    I’ve gotta ask: why does APW continue to have so much love for Sophia Amoruso? I know that she’s another female entrepreneur who started her own company, so I totally get the initial infatuation and excitement… but at this point, I’m not sure why she’s being held up as a role model considering what has happened with her company (including her management of it) over the past few years. Do we want to champion someone who’s company apparently/allegedly lays off pregnant workers (for that reason), has a terrible environment/culture, or lets promised health insurance lapse? (see http://jezebel.com/nasty-gal-said-to-lay-off-at-least-15-including-entire-1787354829 for links) She’s done a very good job of selling the whole “#girlboss” idea, but from reporting on other sources it seems like she’s not actually a very good boss, girl or otherwise. Is there some balance between “ideal but unreal role model I will make you out to be (since yeah, no one is perfect)” and “acknowledging and discussing serious flaws in role models” we can try to strike here?

    • Danielle

      I hadn’t heard of that. Thanks for sharing.

  • MC

    Really hard week – found out over the weekend that a dearly beloved coworker took her life, and everyone in our small close-knit organization is shocked and devastated. I don’t know all the details, but it seems like very few people knew that she struggled with mental health issues and before this news I would have described her as one of the happiest people I knew. (Which I know is very common, and it’s near-impossible to judge someone’s mental health based on their outward persona, but it’s made it that much harder for everyone to reconcile.) This is also the first time someone I’ve known has committed suicide and it’s making me think about how many folks I know have struggled with depression/suicidal thoughts and how there must be many more who do but haven’t told me – makes me want to hug everyone I know extra hard.

    • Ashlah

      I am so sorry.

    • Lisa

      I’m so sorry for you and your community. Sending good thoughts your way.

    • Unhip in Brooklyn

      Oh gosh. This sounds really hard. I’m so sorry for you and everyone who knew this coworker. Hope you can take care of yourself and talk out any feelings you have with people you trust.

    • Olive

      I’m so sorry to hear this.

    • Danielle

      I’m so sorry. That is the worst.

    • Angelur

      This is really hard. A similar thing happened to me a few years ago when a beloved coworker’s husband committed suicide. Our company actually brought in a grief/trauma counselor to help us work through it, which was very helpful. Maybe that would be possible for your group. Best of luck as you process everything – take care of yourself!

    • rg223

      How devastating, I’m so sorry.

  • AP

    I’ve missed the last few Happy Hours because it’s been a CRAZY month. First off, a few weeks ago I officiated my first wedding ever for two very dear friends! It was beautiful and emotional. I ended up helping coordinate a lot of things too, since the couple did most everything themselves without a lot of planning experience or help from friends or family. I made bouquets, ran the rehearsal, and heard myself saying a lot of things like “it is TOTALLY fine for you to tell a houseful of people to go the F away so you can get some sleep THE NIGHT BEFORE YOUR WEDDING” and “no, I don’t think your wedding party expects you to host brunch for them at your house 3 HOURS BEFORE THE CEREMONY.” So there was that.

    And then last weekend was our first anniversary!! We took ourselves on a fancy dinner/hotel date night in New Orleans and it was perfect:)

    One other thing: the post this week about happiness being tied together with community, combined with my recent Gilmore Girls re-watch binge before the new episodes come out, has really got me thinking about where I can find my personal Stars Hollow.

    Ooh, also I have the best board president ever! She gave me and our entire board Hillary champagne glasses and wants to plan an election night toast:):)

    Ok, I think that’s it. AP out.

    • Lisa

      I watched Gilmore Girls for the first time earlier this year shortly before the Netflix announcment, and I loved it! I can’t wait until the new episodes are released.

    • Poppy

      Happy anniversary! I was also in a Gilmore mood this week and rewatched a few of my favorite fall-themed episodes.

    • I watched all of them last year, but maybe I should rewatch some before the new ones. I like Poppy’s idea of watching some fall ones!

  • Cha

    My brother’s getting married next year (yay!), but I have a question to ask the hive mind on behalf of our mother. As I understand it, it’s traditional that the bride’s parents pay for the wedding and the groom’s parents pay for the rehearsal dinner, but I was under the impression that that’s not really followed anymore — that both sets of parents and the couple themselves typically all contribute on some level to the wedding. My kept-her-own-name, incredibly progressive and egalitarian mother, however, told me the other day that she and our dad were planning to help cover my (discussed-but-not-officially-existing-yet) future wedding, but had not expected to contribute to my brother’s wedding, which really surprised me. Anyway, I know people do things in all sorts of different ways (you do you!), but I’m just looking for some sense on whether brides’ families still typically shoulder most of the wedding costs or if things are more equally split these days (and these rude/personal money questions don’t usually come up in in-person conversations about weddings). Thanks for your thoughts!

    • Eenie

      Both our parents contributed, but it was mostly our money and we budget based on what we were able to afford. The parental money was seen as a very generous wedding gift. You can always turn down money if you don’t like the strings or implications.

      • Eenie

        Oh, and my parents contributed the same amount for my brother. We both had a number in our minds which we would refuse from our parents because neither set was in fantastic financial shape and we already put the money aside.

    • Lisa

      My parents paid for both my wedding and my sister’s wedding (within 6 months of each other), and our husbands’ families paid for our respective rehearsal dinners. This was how my SIL’s wedding was a couple of years before we got married, too. I honestly didn’t realize that both sets of parents were splitting the bill until I saw people talking about it on APW.

    • Eileen

      My parents actually did exactly that and I was also surprised since I would describe my mother exactly as you described yours. I don’t know if it’s “typical” of course.

    • flashphase

      Both sides are contributing, as are we. My parents see the rehearsal dinner as a groom’s family thing, like you described. Many of my male cousins got married and their parents definitely wrote a check towards overall costs – I don’t think they planned the rehearsal dinner.

    • Rosie

      From my perspective this is totally not a thing, and has not been a feature or expected in the last 6 or so weddings I’ve been involved in. I shouldn’t think it’ll be a problem but it might be interesting to have a conversation with them about it while it’s still hypothetical.

    • Kaitlyn

      My parents were planning on contributing to my older brother’s wedding, but they unfortunately got divorced the year my brother got married so his wedding fund went to divorce lawyers :( I don’t think my parents paid anything for my other brother’s wedding (last year) besides splitting the rehearsal dinner, but I think that’s cuz my sister-in-law’s grandma paid for all of it. My mom is giving us some money and paying for my dress, but my fiance and I are probably going to end up paying 2/3 of the wedding (depending if his parents are going to contribute, etc).

    • idkmybffjill

      My parents (brides parents) gave the largest amount in lump sum, his mom got covered the rehearsal dinner and honeymoon, we covered just over half of the total wedding cost between us :).

    • Trinity

      I think that is tradition. However, in our case we received a small monetary gift from my parents, and his parents paid for the alcohol at our wedding, and we had no rehearsal dinner.

    • Laura C

      I’ve definitely known a bunch of people where the groom’s family did the rehearsal dinner — including in one case where the couple was paying for their own wedding without help from their parents and then the groom’s family paid for this relatively lavish rehearsal, which was interesting. That was a pretty traditional family though. And I’ve known of a family where the groom’s family would have been happy to help pay but the bride’s family basically used “we’re paying” as a way to get their own way on everything.

    • Alexandra

      My mom wrote me a check for 10k and said I could do whatever I wanted with it. His parents paid for the rehearsal dinner, which was only $800 because we had it in a friend’s backyard. Our budget was exactly 10k for the wedding and once I sold my wedding dress online our actual cost was exactly 10k. I’m a budgeting freak. My mom covered my brother’s rehearsal dinner, which was about 5k (he married a lady from a wealthy family and they had higher wedding expectations than we did).

      So yeah, traditional bride/groom wedding expenses were very much in effect in my family.

      • Lisa

        My parents sort of did what yours did, too. My dad said he and my mom had discussed that we would each get $X to spend on the wedding, and whatever wasn’t spent, they would give us as a wedding present. My sister planned a cheaper wedding and used the remainder for a honeymoon. We used most of the money offered to have a bigger celebration in a city we loved.

        • Alexandra

          Three years later I think it was a pretty great way of doing it, as opposed to paying for specific items in the wedding. Gave me total autonomy to prioritize what I wanted. My mom was very hands-off with planning. She lives on the east coast and I live in Hawaii, and my brother’s wedding in our hometown really, really, really stressed her out the year before, so I think she was pretty grateful to just hand over money and leave it up to me.

    • Vanessa

      My parents gave both of my brothers around $2k and/or paid for the rehearsal dinner (I don’t know if the money was in addition to the dinner or if the dinner was paid for with the $2k). As far as I know I’ll be getting the same $2k, but depending on the amount of strings we may turn it down (my parents are All Gifts Have Major Strings people). My parents are fairly traditional in lots of other ways (including disapproving of the length of time we’ve been living together unmarried!) but apparently not traditional enough in this case, ha. My fiance’s parents gave us a very generous gift that will cover probably about 1/3 of the total cost, which I believe is the same amount that they gave his sister for her wedding a few years ago.

    • AmandaBee

      I’m so thankful DH’s family contributed to our wedding generously, because my family just doesn’t have a lot of money and otherwise we would’ve had a really inexpensive wedding.

      That said, families do it every which way now. I know few-to-no families that cling to the “bride’s family pays” tradition, mostly because it’s an incredibly sexist tradition. The only family I knew that stuck with it were my sister’s former in-laws, and mostly because they were cheapskates and terrible in a variety of other ways.

      That said, it sounds like your parents may have just not really thought it through? Wedding “traditions” (whatever that means) are often like that – they just bury themselves in our brains as assumptions, and then we don’t really question them.

      Also, money questions aren’t rude/personal IMO, but many families still think of them that way, and so certain assumptions seem to continue just because people don’t talk about them and therefore don’t ever have someone challenge their assumption.

    • janie

      I had expected the bill to be split, but I found out my future in-laws were adamant that they didn’t want to “overshadow” my parents by giving any money, and my father had “always expected to pay for his daughter’s wedding”. It worked out in the end but I was surprised both sets of parents were so traditional.

    • Ellen

      We originally planned to pay for the whole thing ourselves, rehearsal dinner included. Ultimately, my husband’s parents assumed they’d be responsible for the rehearsal dinner, and we didn’t push back–to be honest, I don’t really know all about how the conversation went; it came up between my husband and his folks, and I didn’t get involved. FWIW, they actually planned and handled the rehearsal dinner, with some input from us; that’s consistent with what their expectations had been. I think their assumption was based on a couple of family weddings they’d been to recently, in which my husband’s male cousins got married, their family handled the rehearsal dinner, and my sense is that in those cases, the weddings really belonged to the brides and their mothers.

      My parents offered us cash up front, but we declined. They did ultimately pay for the alcohol (logistical and gift reasons) and the per-plate dinner cost for friends of theirs they’d asked me to invite (they felt strongly that it was the fair way to do it). I suspect my in-laws believe my parents paid for a much bigger chunk of the wedding than they really did–again, my husband had the money conversation with his folks so I don’t actually know–and I don’t have a sense of how they’d feel about the way it ultimately shook out.

    • emmers

      For our wedding, my parents covered our wedding, and our rehearsal dinner. If they hadn’t covered any of that, we would have- they would have just been simpler events. My husband’s family mostly doesn’t have the financial means to contribute, and there are some complicating factors related to divorce.

      For my husband’s sister’s wedding, they paid for the bulk of it themselves (wedding & rehearsal dinner), and I believe my husband’s sister’s dad also contributed a small amount (maybe $5k).

      I also have a friend whose son is getting married, and she (his mom) is paying for the whole wedding & rehearsal dinner.

      I have another friend who is completely self-funding her wedding.

      So clearly, it depends on the circumstance!

    • Poppy

      My parents contributed an amount that ended up being half the cost of everything (rehearsal dinner, wedding, and honeymoon), we put up a quarter, and his parents put up a quarter. This arrangement had nothing to do with tradition, though, as all our parents are about as anti-tradition as you get. When we got engaged, we were fully expecting to pay for the whole thing ourselves. We had two general discussions with each sets of parents right at the beginning about wedding expectations – who did they want to invite? What were the components of the ritual that were important to them? Then we told them we were fine paying for it, and they each generously told us they wanted to give us some money to help. They decided on the amount and gave it to us to spend as we saw fit, so the breakdown was incidental. Neither of us have siblings, so that might also have effected things too.

    • Alex

      We split three ways (us, my parents, his) pretty much, and the cost of everything was rolled up into one sum. My FIL had offered to help cover the costs about 6 months before the wedding and to just let him know how he could help and even it wasn’t “tradition” he was fine with whatever.

      It was super awkward though when my FIL was talking to my dad (still have no idea how this conversation ended up happening and why it was the “mans” conversation…) in person the week of the wedding about finances, and my dad made some nonchalant comment about FIL not needing to pitch in or the wedding generally being really affordable (backyard brunch, I like to craft/bake everything so basically did all of it ourselves) so then FIL told husband he wasn’t going to cover anything like he had previously mentioned, and my dad never told me OR my mom about conversation with FIL and it was weird. And then husband told FIL that a contribution would still be very much appreciated and everything was chalked up to a big misunderstanding and everything ultimately was fine.

      So yes, personal money questions can come up in in-person conversations and they can be awkward and I feel like as long as everyone is on the same page, all should be fine

    • jspe

      I’m a woman married to another woman, and our parents each gave us an amount they were comfortable with. My dad had this terrible imagination that he and my future in-laws would sit down and figure out what each of them would pay for. Which OMG does that sound like a terrible idea in every way I can imagine it. Thankfully, my uncle had recently paid for some of my (male) cousin’s wedding and explained to my dad that each set of parents contributed and it was up to the “kids” getting married how they spent it.

      Also thankfully, that made so much sense to my parents and to my wife’s parents. It also meant that we prevented each set of parents from knowing how much the other set contributed. My parents gave an order of magnitude more than my in-laws, because they have more money. All to say – I think many parents have never fully considered it, and sometimes just need a little guidance.

    • My husband and I paid for most of our wedding ourselves. My mom contributed a bit and then his mom hosted our rehearsal dinner, but that was the extent of their contributions.

    • lamarsh

      My Fiance’s mom is paying for the rehearsal dinner and our wedding costs are being split between my parents and us. My parents had a tiny wedding because they were young and poor. Now they are in a good financial place and they want to have a big party which works for us, because that is pretty much in line with what we want.

      My friend is getting married this month and her fiance’s family is much more wealthy than hers is. Apparently, right after they got engaged, her fiance’s mom sent her a wedding etiquette book with the page flagged and highlighted where it said the bride’s family is responsible for paying for the wedding. Yikes.

      • Lisa

        Oh, wow. That planning experience sounds like it will be a trip.

      • cml

        Wow. Tacky MIL!

        • lamarsh

          Yes! She also made my friend uninvite people from the rehearsal dinner, one of whom was my brother. I felt so bad for her, that I just told her I’d pass it on to him…

    • Janet Hélène

      My family was the *exact same.* Egalitarian, kept-her-own-name mother who always told me to elope decided to host a Wedding with a capital-W. It didn’t help that conservative, Catholic brother considered anything that wasn’t “traditional” to be an awful choice and voiced that opinion loudly.

      I think that the biggest thing for mum was not offending anyone (i.e. have to invite my long-distance cousins I never see to be fair to them, seeing as we were inviting cousins of his that we both went to school with), and that certain things were necessary for it to be a wedding (i.e. flowers make it look nice, so you need them). Mum isn’t the type to give cash, but is the type to pay for things in kind.

      It ended up working our extremely well in our situation, b/c in-laws gave a $ amount “for wedding” that we could use however we wanted (a.k.a. we saved it), and my mum paid for everything else. My approach ended up becoming: “I don’t really care about things like flowers, but if she wants to pay for it, and arrange them, it’s fine by me.” In-laws hosted rehearsal dinner but at my mother’s house, as a catered BBQ.

      It ended up being that $ amount + rehearsal dinner from groom’s parents was ~40% of total amount of wedding costs that my (bride) parents paid. So approximately equal, but very different ways of distributing it.

      • Janet Hélène

        Also, a lot more expensive than if my husband and I had just planned it ourselves, but ultimately a larger gathering of extended family and a few nicer touches that were important to our parents was fine with us if they wanted to pay for and arrange it.

    • cml

      My mom is paying for my dress, and FH & I are footing the bill for the wedding. (Well, to be 100% honest, I feel like he’s paying for most of the wedding, because he has managed to save a ton of money. He also paid the down payment on our house. I’m feeling some guilt over this, but he never really brings it up.)
      His parents haven’t offered to pay for anything, and he hasn’t asked. He just keeps saying “they want to help”. I think there’s a communication breakdown there & I just haven’t bothered to wade into it yet.
      We aren’t planning a rehearsal dinner, which I think is going to bother his family. My feeling is that a dinner would be a GREAT thing for them to pay for, if it comes up. If not, that’s ok too.

      • flashphase

        We are not doing a rehearsal dinner because FH’s mom won’t pay for it and my parents feel it’s his family’s responsibility. But no one seems to mind that we’re not having one (I suppose because they don’t want to write the check!).

        • cml

          Are you gus rehearsing at all before the wedding? What does that look like? I’m trying to decide what our plan of action will be…
          And hey, as long as nobody cares, right? I’ve had a couple of his cousins say, “but you have to have a rehearsal dinner!” They’re all younger, so i think they just haven’t been around long enough to realize that no, no you don’t. Lol.

          • flashphase

            So, we don’t know if we will be rehearsing the day before or the day of! Depends if the venue has an event the day before. If we rehearse the day before, we’ll have something (probably an ice cream social). But if we don’t… we might just have people meet us at a bar.

          • Jennifer

            Oh! Comment on rehearsing. I have been in MILLIONS of weddings (ok, not really but as a church going leadership girl it felt like it!) and the one wedding where we didn’t rehearse was probably the most confusing. I recommend at least timing it and getting everyone down the ‘aisle’ real or in the parking lot at least once before the real thing! It makes a difference.

    • NolaJael

      At the age of 33, I only know one person in my well-educated liberal circle where the bride’s family paid the bulk – and that wedding was basically theater for the bride’s elderly conservative family. However, I think both of my Midwestern country (female hetero) cousins had their dad pay the bulk. So I think it those expectations depend a lot on your culture / geography?

      • NolaJael

        We split our recent wedding evenly in thirds: his dad, my parents, us (that included travel costs for those of us that had to fly in and rent cars).

    • CP2011

      I also have a “kept her name/home-birth” type mom. She and my dad footed the entire bill for the wedding, but when I asked her if she would have done the same if I was a boy, she paused and in all seriousness said “only if you were gay.”

    • My parents are paying for 90% of our wedding, and the honeymoon…but it’s not because of traditional roles (they’re giving the same amount for my brother’s wedding). It’s just financial limitations. Sometimes one family has more to spend than others.

    • toomanybooks

      Couldn’t say, I get the impression my dad always expected he would have to pay for my wedding (hence jokes through life about how cool he would be with it if I eloped) but he’s not, in fact, contributing to the wedding and neither are my fiancée’s parents. (Though her mom has said she’d like to pay for the honeymoon.) So from my perspective the norm is now that the couple pays for it themselves. But I know that’s not usually the case, given that discussions about money (w/r/t weddings) generally devolve into complaints about how involved contributing parents are.

    • I think this might vary by region. I grew up in the South of the US, and I think this idea of the bride’s family paying for the wedding and the groom’s for the rehearsal was/is pretty common as an idea or ideal perhaps. This is probably changing, but I’ve definitely seen this happen quite a lot with people I know.

  • Gaby

    We are eight days away from the big day! We are doing very well with timing and organization but I have been completely distracted at work for the past day :D I keep combatting feeling guilty any moment I’m not contributing towards the wedding to-do list. But we’re still doing some regular things like celebrating our best friend’s 30th birthday this weekend and going hiking. I am hoping to rest up over the weekend and come back more productive next week because I have a lot of work to get done before the honeymoon on the 24th! Life is good and exciting right now.

    • idkmybffjill

      October 15th fist bump!
      Also kicking myself for planning a wedding at quarter end. Here’s to doing three weeks worth of work in one week!

  • flashphase

    Met with the wedding coordinator yesterday and it definitely made me feel better. We are feeling so overwhelmed! What things did you outsource to a coordinator vs. do yourself? I’m trying to think what exactly we can have her take care of (favors? table numbers and escort cards?) that doesn’t need our fingerprints on it.

    Also, I’m going to wear a headband (hair down) and no veil. Where did you get yours? How did you coordinate it with your dress? Did you buy, try at home, then return if it didn’t work?

    • Alexandra

      My veil is the only thing I kept, and I got it from Etsy. It is elbow length with thin lace edging. I bought it because I thought it looked simple and classic, which was the definition of my dress (JCrew), and I couldn’t stop wearing it around the house once it came in the mail.

    • Poppy

      We negotiated a slightly paired down deal with a week-of wedding coordinator, so she took care of all decor set up (we delivered most of our very minimal decor to her on the day of the rehearsal, and the rest the morning of the wedding). She ran our rehearsal and distributed our timeline to all our vendors. Then on the day of, she ran the whole show. She kept us on schedule, got me a snack when I got hungry, dealt with a minor vendor mix up, and generally did all the work that made it possible for our whole family to have a great time. It was pretty much the best money we spent, and we had a rather simple wedding!

    • I had a day-of coordinator, but she started working with us a month out. She handled things like putting together the timeline & any changes; triple confirming all the vendors & what they were going to provide; set the last walk-thru meetings with all the vendors; led our rehearsal dinner; and of course was point of contact for the day off. Basically I did all of the initial planning myself, and turned everything over to her to make sure it was executed properly.

    • Katherine

      I planned my wedding at a distance and outsourced basically everything to our coordinator. We would tell her caterers or looks (like for flowers) we were interested in, and she would set up meetings and come back with quotes. She is also handling everyone’s wedding day arrival and the schedule. Not worth the expense for everyone, but in my situation, I cannot recommend it enough.

    • Shawna

      I got my veil on Etsy from a small business and it was WAY too big at first. I sent her pictures of it and even though it was custom made (I had some requests to make it different from what she was originally offering) I was able to mail it back to her while she made me a new one that would fit better. It was a bit stressful because I left it to pretty close to the wedding, but thankfully it all worked out because she was so great to work with and the final result was absolutely gorgeous! https://www.etsy.com/shop/RechercheVeils

      Omigosh she actually made it into a design you can buy now! How exciting! That’s me! https://www.etsy.com/listing/465084310/gold-bandeau-birdcage-veil-gold-bandeau

      I love that the final veil is something I could wear again as it’s not overtly bridal. So I’m looking forward to my next fancy cocktail party!

  • emmers

    Does anyone have experience adopting a dog from a breed-specific rescue, or a regular rescue? I’ve put in two applications (one to a regular rescue last summer, another to a breed-specific rescue a few weeks ago), and each time they either don’t respond at all, or respond only after follow-up.

    With the breed-specific rescue I just applied to, I saw on their facebook page that the dog we were interested in continued to be advertised/listed as available for a week or two after our initial application, but she’s now out on a trial adoption. I’m trying to decide if I should ask them why we weren’t selected (i.e. was it just not a good fit, or is there something in our application that will disqualify us from any of their dogs), to see if it’s worth applying with them again or not. Right now I’m leaning with applying with other rescues, or possibly just going with a humane society dog (though the reason I like rescues is that , and trying not to get my hopes up too much.

    Any advice, or similar experiences?

    • sofar

      I volunteer at a shelter, and my family has long fostered for a breed-specific rescue.

      If it’s a popular breed, you’re going to have a tough time because the rescue has the luxury of being super anal about screening and ignoring applications. For example, the rescue my parents foster for prioritizes those who have experience with owning that breed. Volunteers with the organization also get first pick. And, often, after those groups are prioritized, there aren’t that many dogs left for “everyone else.” Also, since many rescues are run as a “passion project” outside of someone’s day job, they can be really disorganized and bad at follow up with applicants.

      Meanwhile, I work for a shelter. While we have a screening process, we’re so overloaded that adoption is just so much easier. We only reject if there are red flags.

      I’d suggest casting a wider net, definitely, and scoping out shelters for the kind of dog you want (which, can be hard because the breed rescues scoop their breed up out of shelters pretty quickly). Also … if you *can* foster for a breed-specific rescue, that can be a great way to get “dibs” on a dog — since, if you foster and then want to keep the dog, that’s pretty much a slam-dunk.

      And a GIANT THANK YOU for adopting and not buying from a breeder. Adopting a dog can be frustrating and the process can seem unfair, but it’s the right thing to do.

      • emmers

        Not gonna lie, my experience so far has made me consider going to a breeder, but I honestly don’t want a puppy, and also really like the idea of rescuing vs the breeder thing. It can just be so frustrating/demoralizing, since I get the sense that the rescue is, as you said, super picky– but since they haven’t contacted us, I’m not exactly sure what part of our application they’re being picky about. But thanks for the advice and commiseration!

        • sofar

          Yeah, I’ve always thought certain rescues actually push people toward breeders. I get that they need to be picky, but just saying, “Hey, thanks for applying, there’s a waiting list on the dog you want, but we’ll keep your paperwork on file for the future. And btw, we’re having an adoption event and would love to see you there” would go a LONG way.

          • emmers

            Truth! Once we’ve actually adopted a dog, and I can be polite, I’m planning on saying something like that. If they can’t respond to all emails, I get it. But it would be good to have a line on the application that said that– something like, “Due to application volume, and that this organization is staffed by volunteers, we are unable to respond to submitted applications, unless they are selected. If you are selected for adoption, you will be contacted within X weeks.”

        • CP2011

          Don’t go to a breeder, especially if you don’t want a puppy! Are you willing to be more open to other breeds or mixes? I’m sure your local general shelter has plenty of dogs you would love just as much.

          • emmers

            I am, and that’s what we may do. We have a huge 90lb lab, and he gets along well with a friend’s boxer (and I had boxers growing up), so I’d love a boxer mix or boxer to play with him, but if the rescue thing doesn’t work out, we are so punting the ball!

            ETA– and the breeder thing was more a lashing out in frustration thing, than something I’m truly considering. Because it stinks to feel like you can give a great home to a cuddly dog, but you’re not getting the chance. Haha. I’m sure it also has to do with feeling like other aspects of my life are out of control right now too.

          • AmandaBee

            FWIW, if the main concern is compatibility among the dogs you might look for a general rescue that works with foster families. You can see the personality of a dog in a foster situation so much better, and they’ll often have other pets so they can tell you if that dog gets along well with other big dogs.

        • Sarah E

          I have never adopted from a breeder, and while it’s not a choice I would make, I will acknowledge that reputable breeders do exist. Just like with rescues, it takes a fair amount of time to research credentials and reviews to make an informed choice.

    • Amy

      I second everything sofar said! You may also have some luck finding dogs of a specific breed using petfinder.com

      I also wanted to address the fact that you can definitely get a kid-friendly dog from a shelter. Rescues may know a bit more about the dogs in their care since they’re smaller organizations that are often foster-based, but almost all shelters temperament test their dogs before putting them up for adoption. They’re usually very clear about which dogs are not good candidates for families with children, and if there’s nothing explicitly posted on the dog’s kennel, be sure to ask. Some shelters are better about this than others, so if the adoption staff seems unsure, you may want to look elsewhere. However in general shelters are pretty good about this stuff because they don’t want to adopt a dog out only to have them returned.

      Good luck, and thanks for adopting!

    • We’re adopting a dog this weekend! We met him last weekend at the adoption event, but they still had to interview us and set up a time for a home visit. The process is definitely more involved than I anticipated, and this was for a general rescue. I used to foster in NYC and they basically gave dogs to anyone that could pay the fee. So basically, I think sofar has great advice that each rescue is really different. Stay in contact and I’d check general rescues- you never know what pup will steal your heart, it probably won’t be a breed you were expecting. We are SO excited to get our dog tomorrow so definitely hang in there- it will be worth it!

      • also, we’re expecting a baby in March, so kid-friendly was important for us too. We haven’t seen our dog with babies, but he was gentle at the adoption event with the other dogs of all sizes and seems very chill. With the right introduction and the right temperament on the dog, I think many dogs can be great with kids.

    • Alyssa Andrews

      One of my friends just adopted a yellow lab through a local lab rescue, and she said that she and her fiancee figured out that “donating” extra money bumped them up the priority list, and they got a dog a couple months after they donated — they didn’t hear anything back until they donated, I believe. Not sure if that’s option, but you might look into it…

    • NolaJael

      I used to volunteer at a shelter and am in a lot of veterinary / rescue circles, so here’s my two cents: Rescues are often volunteer run and not very organized. If you get to know the people behind them, you have a much better shot at getting a great dog when one comes up. So if you have the time and inclination, I’d recommend offering to volunteer at their community events, walk dogs or whatever they do so you become a known quantity. It won’t work if you want a dog right now, but it’s a good long term strategy if you have your heart set on a specific breed.

      • emmers

        Thanks! I think I will attend events if they’re local, because this had also been my suspicion.

    • Hmmm, our foster place that we got our dog from was pretty awful at e-mail. They were completely volunteer run by people working full-time jobs so it made sense though. My mother-in-law worked next to where they had their adoption events though, so whenever there was a dog she thought I would like, she would text us and we would come over. We had gone a couple times and had started to know people (also because they had PUPPIES at the event and even though we weren’t looking for a puppy, I love going and looking at puppies.) We actually went in interested in one dog, but after talking to the people, they said that they didn’t think she would like our lifestyle (apartment in a city, a little busy/loud for that one) but recommended I meet another dog that they had literally just gotten in so soon he wasn’t up on the website yet. And so I got on top of the list for him that way, and after filling out the form and doing a home visit, I got to get an awesome dog that
      fits my lifestyle well because they did have good reasons behind their choices for dog-fit.

      • emmers

        It sounds like human contact is key. I will keep this in mind! This rescue doesn’t have tons of events, but I’m going to stalk them now.

    • Sarah E

      I think it varies widely group to group, depending on the people in charge. When we were adopting our pup in the spring, I got timely responses from even casual inquiries (we have a pet weight limit in our apt, so I didn’t want to fill out an entire app if the dog was too big).

      I would ask around via Facebook- either your own friends and acquaintances or the rescue group pages to see who might recommend a great group to rescue with, and ask about expected response times and good experiences. I will say that sometimes the selection process is really helpful (for example, on paper our pup was said to need a fenced in yard and other dogs to hang with. She’s got neither in our apt and is thriving, but the foster volunteer who brought her to visit saw how comfy she was around us) and sometimes it is really not helpful. My best friend is a practicing veterinarian, and with one dog and three cats in a home she owns with a fenced in yard and was consistently turned down from rescue orgs when she was looking for a second pup because she was single and had variable and long work hours, despite indicating she was going to hire a dog walker and happy healthy animals at home. She eventually adopted from a reputable breeder.

      The good news is, that if you adopt a dog before you have kids, you have time to slowly acclimate it to children, even if it hasn’t experienced kids before. A dog who has had awful experiences with kids in the past may not be great, but you can be selective about being near one or two kids and very slowly working up to the kids petting or playing with the dog. And a baby that smells like you and is largely immobile for a while is going to be easier to get used to than coming straight home to mobile, unpredictable kids.

    • dogadvice

      I am in the same position right now! We live in an area where there aren’t any regional breed rescue groups, so we’ve cast a wide net and will consider driving a long way for a dog. I recommend joining all the breed-specific Facebook groups, because many will post dogs that are advertised on sites like Craigslist. Also set up a Google alert. Our tiny local shelter received a dog of our breed, but didn’t post him as adoptable-only had a picture on Facebook and I wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t been scrolling through their page. Patience will be your friend through this- we’ve been looking hard for 2 months.

      Also, you might want to consider finding vetted, reputable breeders in your area and getting in touch with them about any adult dogs they know of who need rehoming. It’s not quite the same as adopting a needy dog, but often breeders “retire” show prospects as companion animals.

  • Giselle

    We got married! The tropical rainstorm that was going to hit went out to the ocean, planning from the other side of the country worked out fine, my divorced parents put aside everything for the weekend, people came from 1000’s of miles away to the city we love, friends gave the most amazing toasts, my brother’s speech is still generating comments, husband’s mother was uncharacteristically emotionally open, the band was amazing (that we’d never heard in person but just had a good vibe from), we danced till 2 am with glowing foam batons, and the house we’ve been rehabbing for two years finished 4 days before the first event was to be held. Standing on the porch in my wedding dress was everything and more that I though it would be. And our photographer sent our wedding photos…just starting to get through them but in love with how in love we look.

    And the heartbreaker is that all this happened in Savannah three weeks ago, the worst storm in a century is about to hit Georgia and I feel helpless to do nothing but watch from San Francisco where we live. Few people out here seem to know what’s going on, so it feels lonely as I am glued to the coverage. The Southeast could use some love today, check in with your loved ones from FL to NC!

    So….I’m including a picture to end on a high note, us in the house that was burned out and on the demolition list two years ago, I hope she’s there tomorrow morning. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/29e13008b7fa4d516260609e701fc01ea0eb14f716e29454e7c075157cd71b38.jpg

    • Giselle

      Photo Credit: Dustin Cantrell, found through APW of course!

    • Alex

      I know how you feel about feeling hopeless across the country with people who have no idea that the worst hurricane in the Atlantic since basically forever is about to ravage the eastern seaboard. :( My parents just got out of the worst of it in on the space coast earlier today and I am SO GLAD it veered last night around 11 to basically miss a lot of south Florida and hopefully it just keeps turning east ever so slightly. Keeping everyone in the southeast in my thoughts!

      But yay weddings!!! Congratulations!

      • Giselle

        Glad your parents are ok! That part of FL has gotten hammered so many times, it was a lucky break for them. ::internet hugs::

    • Unhip in Brooklyn

      Your wedding sounds amazing! Congrats and I hope that everyone (and the house) stays safe.

      • Giselle

        Aw, thanks @disqus_yecG0MvGmo:disqus

    • Likeabell

      Savannah solidarity here. My parents live just outside the city and evacuated to ATL this morning. No one seems to know how bad it’s going to be. So frustrating. My BIL is a meteorologist in Charleston, and his estimates seem way less scary than the ones from the local news. He’s been saying the winds aren’t as bad as they could be and probably won’t cause much damage, but that the storm surge might wreak havoc if your house is in a low(er) lying area. Fingers crossed he’s right about the wind, and that the flooding isn’t crazy. :-/ I hope your house pulls through with no damage—from what I can see in the photo, she’s beautiful!

      • Giselle

        Glad they left – and agree with you on the storm surge danger – Charleston was flooded just last October and it wasn’t even this bad of a storm! Hope all your family is safe. And thanks about the house. :)

  • Ashlah

    Some time ago, I excitedly posted that my husband finally called a therapist. Well, there was some phone tag and then no follow-up. Things were actually really good for a while, so I sort of let it slide (though it came up from time to time). This last week has been terrible. His anxiety is back with a vengeance, and neither of us is handling it well. Today, with his permission and appreciation, I called the therapist on his behalf. I had to leave a message, but I am not letting it go this time. This needs to happen, and I will make it happen, come hell or high water. He deserves not to feel like this, and I deserve a healthy partner and marriage. Also considering a therapist for myself because this shit is hard, and my husband isn’t the one who should hear (all) that. Thanks to everyone here for the ongoing support and the overall focus on the importance of mental healthcare.

    • AP

      Sending supportive thoughts your way! This shit IS hard.

    • Olive

      Best wishes!

    • Cellistec

      Best of luck, and props for advocating for your husband and your marriage.

    • AGCourtney

      Good for you for taking action, Ashlah. Sending good thoughts and hope that everything comes together for you and your husband.

    • Danielle

      Ugh, sorry to hear about the difficulties but YES for persistence.

      You and your partner deserve to feel good, and both of you deserve to get the help you need.

    • Gaby

      Sending good thoughts your way.

    • Shawna

      “This needs to happen, and I will make it happen, come hell or high water. He deserves not to feel like this, and I deserve a healthy partner and marriage.” Hell Yes. Get it.

      We’re chasing down the couples therapy person we want to work with. Hoping the phone call goes through today because she was late earlier this week and since he’s not that keen on the first person we spoke to (because she wants our financials before she quotes us a price of any kind) I am hoping he is not going to BURN THIS IDEA OF THERAPY TO THE GROUND because people aren’t exactly how he wants them to be. *sigh* I need to be in therapy so badly and am hoping we can find someone who will work with us as a couple and as individuals. I understand this sometimes comes with a no secrets policy, which is a bit scary, but maybe helpful too?

    • Ashlah

      Appointment scheduled! Fingers crossed that it’s a good fit and that it brings him some relief. Thanks so much to all of you for the kind words. It really means a lot.

    • Lmba

      Good for you for calling. I know from experience how demoralizing it is to finally ask for help and to have those efforts frustrated. It’s great that your partner has someone willing to take on that kind of task that can be really tough for the person who is struggling.

    • anon

      Hi, just wondering if you wouldn’t mind sharing how you found a therapist. I have known for a while that I need one but the thought of trying to find one, and not knowing at all where to begin, has proven to be really overwhelming so I always stop before I even start looking. This week has been particularly tough for me, so I know I need to get a move on with this, but it’s scary/hard. I wish my husband would do it for me like you did for your husband haha

      • Ashlah

        Hi, anon. Sure thing. I found Psychology Today’s Find a Therapist tool to be really useful. You can narrow down by what issue you’re seeking treatment for, the type of therapy they specialize in, location, insurance, and loads of other pieces of information. They have photos and little blurbs about themselves that might help you find someone you think you’ll connect with. Does your husband support your seeking out treatment? Could you ask him to pull together a list of therapists using this tool? That’s what I started with for my husband, I sent him a list of about ten therapists I thought matched what he was looking for, and he made the final selection.

        Very best of luck to you. Seeking and reaching out for help is the biggest hurdle, and you should be proud of yourself for getting started.

      • Amy March

        ZocDoc can also be useful if your area has it, and you can book online which I find easier.

    • scw

      sending lots of good vibes your way. getting to therapy is NOT EASY when you’re in need of it, and it sounds like your husband is lucky to have you help him. I think getting yourself to therapy, like you suggest, could help, too. best of luck.

  • Unhip in Brooklyn

    Shoutout to all the other October soon-to-be-marrieds! I am also counting down to 10/15 like a few other brides here in Happy Hour. I’m glad to have had APW as a resource, even as a mostly lurker for years. And I was just chatting to a friend of mine getting married next year who wants one of my APW books. The circle continues!

    And another shoutout to anyone else who had to or will have to count down to the final insanity while also dealing with PMS or periods. Granted, it’s better than period on your wedding day (or honeymoon), but EURGH have the hormones made my emotions that much more labile…and crazy-making. Just a few more days until I say “F$%& it” to everything and have fun!

    For now: doing my hair trial after work, then my husband-minus and I are seeing Postmodern Jukebox at Radio City Music Hall!

    • Gaby

      OMG yes! I had the worst cramps on Tues/Weds and was dealing with surprise DMV fees and relatives who needed my assistance in finding a hotel or bnb in their price range. I almost lost it, but my wonderful fiancé and parents kept me from having a meltdown and I was just extra grumpy for a few hours and then it went away and shit got handled. Eff these hormones.

      • Gaby

        But hey at least it’s out of the way and will not be affecting me during the wedding or honeymoon!

        • Unhip in Brooklyn

          Yes! So glad that your parents and fiance were able to step in. My period started today, so right now I’m grateful that no clients are walking in now when cramps are feeling their worst, and I can grimace all I want when talking on the phone to them :P

          October 15th! Gonna be amazing!

          • Gaby

            Team 15th! Haha yes I have had 80 cups of tea this week because the warmth helps the cramps. Unrelated, but I keep getting so excited remembering that we’ll always get to celebrate our anniversary in October. Like, “we can do all the fall things!”

          • Eenie

            As an April bride, I’m so jealous of your October wedding. I love October.

          • Gaby

            You can always have a half-anniversary celebration ;) It really is my favorite month. I’m Las Vegas and it is HOT most of the year, then really cold for 3 months. This month has the best weather possible here.

          • Eenie

            My birthday is our half anniversary, so lots of celebration will happen this month ;) As a person in Georgia, I agree that October weather is fantastic!

          • Gaby

            Ah, happy early (or late) birthday then! :)

          • Unhip in Brooklyn

            Hey! My birthday is in April, so I think you picked a pretty spectacular time to get married ;)

        • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

          Heh, I had mine the first three days of our honeymoon last month, but it was great to have it occur at the same time we were traveling and I just needed to decompress and sleep all the sleeps. It worked out perfectly!

    • idkmybffjill

      Omg yesssss. You got this!! We’re doing a date night tonight too (our last one as unmarried people it’s looking like) – we’re recreating our first date and I’m very excited.

      Every good vibe to you on the fifteenth!

      • Unhip in Brooklyn

        Eee! That’s adorable that you’re recreating your first date. We can’t because the bar we met up at closed down long ago :-/ All the good vibes right back atcha!

        • idkmybffjill

          Oh sad! Your plan sounds pretty freaking awesome though :).

        • Find a similar bar with a similar vibe? Eat hoagies and drink wine from a waterbottle on the sidewalk out front of the closed bar?

    • Amy March

      Just a PSA because I never knew this until right now, but your gyn can prescribe 10 days of progesterone to delay your period so you don’t get it on your wedding or another important day if you aren’t on birth control. It’s magic.

      • emmers

        ooh, hormone magic! Very cool.

      • idkmybffjill

        Um holy crap.
        I chose our date partially so it would be convenient within my cycle. What excellent information!

      • Eenie

        Also if you’re on non permanent BC like nuvaring or the pill, you may be able to skip placebos to better time your period. Not for the IUD though :(

    • touchdownton abbey

      I am also a 10/15 future bride- just wanted to share in excitement and venting about PMSing.

      Also my face looks like a teenagers so that’s great. I haven’t had pimple problems in at least 5 years- and yet here we are! Oh well. It will be a magical day and that’s what makeup is for! Plus there is always a chance that it will clear IN 8 DAYS!!!!

      Excited for you! Have a great date night! My future spouse and I are going to eat pasta at home, but I’m still really excited for a night at home just the two of us!

      • Lisa

        Also Photoshop. I commented in a different thread, but I’ve struggled with acne off-and-on my adult life. I think I had my make-up artist covering blemishes on my back because I was so embarrassed, but I haven’t seen evidence of any anywhere on my body in our photos.

        • touchdownton abbey

          This is a comfort I didn’t think of! Another reason to not stress over it.

          • Eenie

            You can mention something to your photographer if you’ve hired a professional. Let them know you’re ok with that retouching (I think some photographers won’t do that or won’t do it without being asked).

        • Yeah, I shot a few weddings for free, and TBH, teeth whitening and blemish removing were some of the easiest Photoshop fixes to do.

          • Lisa

            Yup, I used to do the retouch for a portrait photographer. I can whiten teeth and take out teenagers’ acne like no one’s business.

    • NolaJael

      I went to my OB/GYN six months ahead of my wedding and said “I have one goal. I want to be present for my own wedding on x date.” I have a long history of having cramps so bad that I lose entire days, can’t go to work/school, etc. I was not going to let that happen on my wedding day.

  • lady brett

    life in general is too much right now, but being a housewife is working *so* well for us (even/especially with the baby). occasional depressive slow days aside, i really am good at it. it fits well with our kids’ needs and schedules. it is a huge help for my honey’s new job that includes multiple weekday evenings. i am successfully keeping a baby alive *and* it isn’t making me miserable, which was a concern – it is often even enjoyable, and always fine. i feel productive, something i seldom did at work anymore.

    perhaps most importantly, i realized this week that i am in almost complete control of when i have social interactions (at least, with adults), and that has brought me so much peace it makes me want to cry. i had no idea how exhausting daily interaction was for me until it was gone. it’s awesome, and makes me (occasionally) want to be around people again instead of feeling resentful every time we did anything social.

    • Eenie

      Last Friday my husband unexpectedly ended up watching a movie with friends Friday night and then wanted to leave a party Saturday super early. I suggested he could just stay home and I’d go alone and he looked elated. He said the unplanned socialization just zapped him for the weekend.

    • Unhip in Brooklyn

      Yay baby!! And yay for finding a current purpose/occupation that really aligns with you personality and values!

    • Lorraine

      I am exactly like you. I’ve never gotten any feeling of well-being at work with a bunch of other people watching my every move. Quite the opposite.

    • Alanna Cartier

      This is exactly how I felt when I started working on home. I’m a super introvert with extreme social anxiety. I love having the freedom to plan hanging out with people. I spend a lot of days feeling a lot more alert and productive now. I enjoy spending time with people more. I don’t think I could ever go back to working full-time in an office (or retail, which I did years ago and exhausted me)

      • Ashlah

        Man, you’re both making me super jealous. The idea of not being forced to make uncomfortable small talk with co-workers every day is a dream. Someday I hope to negotiate working from home at least part-time, but as the backup receptionist I’m not sure it’ll fly. *wistful sigh* So happy for you both that you’ve found a way to make it happen.

        • Alanna Cartier

          When I first started at the company I’m at, I was an assistant and I spent all day making small talk. It was the worst (not really the people are lovely, but I was just emotionally and physically exhausted every day). My best advice would be that, if there are any roles in your company that might suit your introverted self, set up meetings and chat with the people doing them. See if there is any training or knowledge you can get so that when an opportunity does arise, and you’ll be ready for it.

          • Ashlah

            My office is only 5 people, so there’s not really any movement available, but I appreciate the thought! Perhaps it’ll be good advice for me in a future job :)

  • Olive

    This week was full of ups and downs. The biggest down was that my anxiety was high pretty much all week, and has been bad recently. But I went to the doctor (as suggested by my therapist) and got a prescription for some medication that should help. I’ve always been an incredibly happy but anxious person, and while I’m still happy about my life, grad school has had the worst effects on my mental and physical health. I’m glad I’m getting [more] help and that my husband and friends I’ve told are supportive AF. It feels like something I should tell my family, but we don’t discuss deep issues/concepts, so at the same time it feels weird. They knew that I was going to therapy last year because I yelled it at them and told them that they should probably see someone too. But no, they’re normal. mm hmm. I’ll probably not share for my own sanity’s sake. Advice?

    My brother asked me to be his newest daughter’s godmother! Which is so wonderful but also sent me into a frenzy because of religion/rules/my perceived religious identity. We talked and he said not to worry, they wouldn’t have asked if they weren’t ok with it and the church she’s being baptized at isn’t that strict. So I’m trusting him, but also have this fear that I’ll show up and be told I can’t do it. Along with any thing my mother has to say about me being a hypocrite. But my best friend gave me a girl power/you rock pep talk and I’m ready to teach my sweet niece all about the world. Not really Catholic anymore guilt is worse than Catholic guilt.

    Our anniversary trip to Traverse City was rainy but still wonderful, Friday lunches I spend with my best work friend coloring/sketching, and I might actually not avoid work this weekend!
    ALSO, for all those blood test supporters out there from a few weeks ago, I had to get another blood test this week and didn’t freak out! I’m such a grown up now.

    • Amy March

      I dont see any reason why you should tell them? If you want to that’s one thing but there’s no need to tell unsupportive people.

      • Olive

        I love your bluntness, Amy March. It feels like “one of those things” people discuss with their loving and supportive family, but if that’s not us, then that’s not us.

    • Eenie

      True story, both of my brothers and I have all had panic attacks at different points in our lives. We haven’t really talked about it together, but I was the last sibling to confide in my mom about it and she felt bad because it’s probably due to genetics which means it’s her fault (it’s not).

      • Olive

        Thanks for sharing. My mom is never one to accept guilt, at least outwardly. I do worry about passing it on to my future kids. It’s hard when you don’t have that relationship with siblings who share the experience. My sister insists she doesn’t need help but I’m convinced she’s been mild-moderately depressed for years. I’ve told her that I’m seeing someone to make it seem more accepted and less scary, and maybe she is now, but I don’t know about it. She has that relationship with friends and our cousin, but not me, and it’s a little sad for me.

    • Yeah, some moms…just…yeah, no. Solidarity. No need to tell your family.

    • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

      “Not really Catholic anymore guilt is worse than Catholic guilt.”

      Oh yes. This is true. I spent a good chunk of time last night thinking about who would take our hypothetical children if my husband and I died. It was full of me arguing “But they don’t share our liberal views!! But they’d feel bad!” and so on.

      Also, Traverse City in the fall is dreamy! I hope you ate cherry everything.

      • Lisa

        This is something we’ve talked about, too. My SIL is more closely aligned with our views on the world, but I know she’s not really interested in having multiple kids. She also lives on the other side of the country from my family, which means it would be difficult for my family to see the hypothetical children if SIL did take custody of them. On the other hand, we have my little sister and her husband, but they’re definitely more conservative than we are.

        Fortunately, we’re not at the point where we have to decide this yet…

  • Vanessa

    I have a hive-mind question this week. We’re going to look at venues this weekend, and a lot of the places seem to charge 20% service fee on the total cost, and then charge tax on the service fee. I can understand 20% on the food and drinks, but I don’t get why there is a service charge on the ceremony site fee, for example. Also why should this amount be taxable? I worked at a wedding venue in college and I never saw any extra money from any “service fee” as a person who set up/cleaned up & washed dishes. Is it appropriate to ask the venue what the service fee is for and how it is distributed?

    • Eenie

      Yes you can ask. But really, if they didn’t charge it, they would raise the price elsewhere, so I’d look at the total overall cost and what the venue provides as opposed to getting lost in the details of why they charge something a certain way. Finding a venue is hard enough! You can and should ask for a proposal that includes all fees and applicable taxes.

      • Vanessa

        I guess I wish they did just include it in the price. It seems disingenuous to include it as a percentage fee, even if they do include it in the literature they send.

        • Eenie

          This may be a regional thing, and if they included it in the price it would seem to price them above competitors. I agree with you, it makes everything very complicated.

    • flashphase

      I’ve actually been surprised at how many vendors (venue, DJ, planner) don’t charge taxes. Is that common? Should I just assume it’s built into their price? (We are in NYC)

    • Alex

      I feel like it’s totally reasonable to ask. You’re shelling out hard-earned money and if they don’t want to answer questions about how they’re using your hard-earned money that could not bode well down the line. I’ve seen it go both ways with service charges for ceremony fees, agreed with Eenie below about they’d just raise the price elsewhere to make sure they’re getting $X even if they’re offering 0.8X + 0.2Xservice fee

  • Cellistec

    Currently reading: To Rise Again At a Decent Hour by Joshua Ferris. It’s a little out there and reminds me of Miranda July’s book The Last Bad Man, which straight-up weirded me out. But I’ll keep giving it a shot. I miss having a female protagonist, though.

    And then there’s this NYT piece on why the label “fiance” is losing steam. Really?
    http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/06/fashion/why-the-word-fiance-is-falling-out-of-fashion.html

    • lizzers

      Yeah, I thought that Joshua Ferris book had a great premise, but was 66% too long. Though I did finish it, which I don’t do for about 50% of the books I start (life’s too short.)

    • Ashlah

      Huh, I loved using fiance. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

      • Cellistec

        Me too! It felt elegant and classy, unlike the clunky husband/wife. I don’t get the backlash.

        • Lisa

          I thought fiancé was nice! I liked it better than husband, too.

          • Eenie

            When spoken it’s gender neutral too which was my favorite part.

    • That NYTimes piece on fiance/fiancee seemed so out of touch to me. It certainly hasn’t fallen out of favor with anyone I know, and I loved using fiance.

      • Cellistec

        I agree- the NYT also ran a piece today about how to persuade Millennials to get a flu shot, and I was like…wait, who doesn’t get flu shots? I got mine this week. These are not my Millennials.

        • Ashlah

          I have to admit I’ve never gotten one. But it’s purely out of laziness, not because I don’t think they’re a good idea. (Wait, is that more typical of millennial behavior??) I swear I’ll get one this year! Probably.

          • Eenie

            Yeah, I don’t usually get one either. But I don’t work with/spend time with the elderly or children. I’ve never personally had the flu, so there’s not a huge motivating factor.

          • CII

            I have never gotten one either (and am technically a millennial) but not for any of the reasons emphasized in the article.

          • Cellistec

            #herdimmunity

          • Cellistec

            Yes, everyone please get the flu vaccine to make the NYT eat its words. Also, herd immunity. But if you’re allergic to the vaccine you get a pass.

        • Lisa

          My husband doesn’t get flu shots, but he hates needles in general. He only got a tetanus booster because his graduate school wouldn’t let him enroll in spring courses until he was up-to-date on vaccinations.

        • I’m at the point now where I think journalists are just writing crazy things & assigning them to Millenials. It’s gotten completely out of hand.

          • Cellistec

            No joke. I keep reminding myself that every cohort of 20- and 30-somethings tends to baffle their elders, their politicians, and the press, and one day I’ll be the one shaking my fist at Generation Mars or whatever, but come on…isn’t there real news to cover anymore?

        • KPM

          Ugh, I always mean to but hadn’t yet (where I live it’s basically still summer!) and guess who just had the flu this week? Luckily it was a pretty minor one but Monday-Thursday were basically worthless days for me. :(

        • rg223

          I haven’t read the piece, so maybe it does explain this, but aren’t Millenials like, the least important people when it comes to getting flu shots, age-wise? The most at risk with the flu are old people/little kids/pregnant people. I thought they didn’t necessarily encourage EVERYONE to get a flu shot because of shortages, but maybe that’s changed? Or maybe other Millenials think my way too and that’s why Millenials need convincing otherwise, haha!

          • Amy March

            There are no current flu shot shortages. Everyone who is medically able to get a flu shot is encouraged to do so, so that people who cannot and are at greater risk of complications have a lower chance of catching the flu.

        • JC

          I saw that headline and refused to read it. I’m getting my flu shot in…36 minutes.

        • EF

          i got mine today and it was the first time i didn’t cry getting a shot (i’m a child, i know). i called my partner afterwards and he was like, ‘woo! adulting! you deserve ice cream!’ so we went and got ice cream this evening.

          • Cellistec

            You totally deserve ice cream! Way to be.

      • Hi Jubilance, this is a different topic but I don’t know how to just comment “at” you on a new thread. I’m a bit delayed since it was two weeks ago, but I was SO thrilled to see you on the front page of the Sunday Star Trib! Congrats! My husband (who is a black professional in Minneapolis) said I should definitely say hello via APW when I tried to explain how I felt like I “knew” you through the internet. Anyway, thanks for sharing your story with the Minneapolis community- I know we’re glad you’re here!

        • Aww thank you! And thank you for reading! :-)

      • Booknerd

        It summed up my feelings pretty well on the topic! I don’t notice if anyone else uses the term around me but I felt very uncomfortable saying it until like the month before our wedding for some reason. It felt pretentious to me, like I was a kid trying to fit in at the grown up table. And it did often serve as an invitation for folks to jump into wedding small talk which I didn’t mind avoiding! That being said I have no problem saying husband. I love it. My husband loves it ;)

    • Gaby

      In my social media engagement announcement I referred to him as my new Beyoncé. But I’ve gotten more used to fiancé since then.

    • Vanessa

      I don’t mind “fiance” but I hate “bride” and I have to work hard not to freak out at how gross that word is when well-intentioned people say it to me.

      • Yeah, “bride” is a bit ?uncomfortable? for some reason.

    • Maddie Eisenhart

      I was totally this person. I wonder if it’s something to do with very metropolitan areas? It was SUPER uncool to have a fiance in New York City when I got engaged (granted I was super young). It’s much more normal in the suburbs where I’m from.

    • anon-o-tron

      I haven’t noticed anything but I referred to my partner as my partner while we were living together and when we got engaged I didn’t see any reason to change it. I’d use it occasionally but tbh, I had been calling him “partner” for so long and the label still worked so I just kept doing that, Now that we are married he’s still partner, very rarely husband.

    • Sarah E

      I wish I had quit reading Miranda July’s The First Bad Man sooner than I did. So weird, and I didn’t really get what it was trying to do.

      • Cellistec

        Right?? I only read it because it was a gift from someone I badly want to stay in touch with, but damn it was a head trip. I guess it was good to expand my horizons.

    • toomanybooks

      Yup, this is such a weird article. I do understand that it sometimes feels braggy to say “fiancée” but I absolutely always call my fiancée my fiancée, because that’s what she is. I don’t think it’s “too hetero” (I have a feeling what they meant was “too feminine” and they are “chill masc gays”) but I also disagreed with the idea that same sex couples, along with heterosexual couples, are pioneering the word “partner” because it’s gender neutral. It’s something gays did in the 90s because the couldn’t have marriages, only domestic partnerships, and has now been taken over by straight people. I never use the word “partner” to describe my fiancée.

  • sofar

    Any weddings out there being sabotaged by Hurricane Matthew? An acquaintance of mine is having to do that and OMG what a nightmare!!! She’s still doing it this weekend, but she had to find a church further inland, last minute and had to cancel the reception entirely. And almost none of the guests can make it now (due to cancelled flights). I barely know her, and it made me cry just thinking how I would have felt.

    • Lisa

      A Facebook acquaintance had to reschedule hers for March. She seems to be in good spirits, but I can only imagine how rough that must be!

  • AGCourtney

    Oh! Random question: is anyone here in Houston? I have a good friend who moved there this summer, and she’s having trouble meeting like-minded people. I promised I’d check here.

    • lady brett

      that’s where i’m from, but don’t really know folks there anymore. good luck :)

    • Julie

      I’m a frequent lurker here, but I am in Houston and always happy to meet new people!

      • AGCourtney

        Oh, wonderful! How about this, my email is this username @gmail, could you send me an email and I’ll get you two in touch? Otherwise, I also have this username on Facebook.

  • toomanybooks

    Well, I forgot to put my handmade spinach quiche in the fridge last night after taking it out of the oven at approximately 12:30 am, and didn’t notice until 7 when I got up. It was going to be my dish for a potluck tonight to show how I’ve totally got home stuff under control. LOL. It’s probably not good to eat anymore?

    The good news is that we finally got an email from the caterer we are really interested in for our wedding! There have been… some lags in response… but her menu is our favorite and her prices are REALLY our favorite so we’re going to do a tasting and see how it goes.

    • Ashlah

      Haha, oh no, quiche! I have been all about big batches and leftovers lately, so the thought of leaving food on the counter gives me a sad. Good luck with the caterer! Sometimes I try to convince myself that the people who are the best at what they do are the worst at email. But I hate it so.

    • emmers

      Damnit, rogue quiche! But congratulations on a responsive caterer + awesome menu + good prices! Eggcelelent!

    • Likeabell

      Not going to lie…I would probably not take the quiche to the potluck, but eat it myself anyway. 6 1/2 hours=no big deal. It was probably still hot for a good while, and then the rule for leaving out “warm” food at room temp is like…4 hours I think? Well, I’d tell myself that anyway. :-D

    • No meat in it? Just cooked eggs. I’d probably eat it on my own, maybe nuke it slice-by-slice before consuming. But no potluck.

      My family leaves pepperoni and sausage pizza out on the counter overnight., So…???

  • Katherine

    Two weeks to go! We had to put in catering numbers today, and out of 170 invited (oops, that got out of control), only 13 haven’t responded. Major shout out to my mom, who has been dealing with buying the alcohol and doing her best to track down the craft beers we requested.

    Also, I didn’t want to chime in on the article relating to body image earlier this week because I felt it was the wrong place, but I’m fairly worried that I’ll get to the wedding and my dress won’t fit. I tend to lose weight when I’m stressed, and between studying for/taking the bar, a cross-country move, and adjusting to my new job and living at altitude, I’ve likely dropped a few pounds. My dress was a little loose when I took it for alterations at the end of June, so knock on wood that we won’t need any emergency changes…

    • EF

      way to go, mom!

      and just remember, a few pounds in most dresses at most sizes won’t make much of a difference. i know some people don’t like to try on their dress a few weeks (or days) ahead of time, but i did, a few times, and it was just super reassuring.

    • We’re also two weeks to go! Almost there. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

  • Alyssa Andrews

    This week has been “meh” for me, but I got great feedback from a supervisor who I really admire. Psych nerd moment: she does Jungian Psychotherapy with kids, and taught me some games she uses — well I used them, and she gave me great feedback on my apparent connection with my clients and ability to “hold them” in the therapeutic space. It feels SO good to get such feedback (as a newbie) from someone who’s so highly esteemed in the community and has been doing therapy for decades.

    AND I got my first post-masters-grownup paycheck today, yay! Time to start tackling my debt…

  • Celesta Torok

    Guys, babymaking is hard. And much more emotional than I thought it would be. Ugh, send me good thoughts because I want to give up. At least that’s how I feel today.

    Also, why do smoke detectors ALWAYS, ALWAYS go off in the middle of the night while you’re in a dead sleep? And not even just a battery change chirp, but a full blown sound of the alarm for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON.

    Yeah, this week has been kind of rough.

    • emmers

      #truth. We’re also trying to have a kid, and I totally agree about the suckage. Good thoughts to you. I think it’s emotionally hard for a lot of people. It’s best when I can think that it will happen if/when it’s time, and enjoy my alcohol in the meantime. But sometimes it’s sooooo discouraging, and I just feel really down.

      So, I’m sorry that you’re going through this! This week is lame, but here’s to the weekend.

      • Celesta Torok

        So many good thoughts to you emmers!

        • emmers

          Aw, thank you Celesta!

    • Another Meg

      Yikes! Sorry you had a rough week.

      Sending good baby juju from the other side. It was always the weirdest thing on my chore list. But also, unexpectedly, some of the most (positively) emotional sex of my life.

      Good thoughts coming your way!

    • flashphase

      I’m so sorry. This Ask Polly piece was so good and eye-opening
      nymag.com/thecut/2016/09/ask-polly-why-do-women-obsess-about-babies-and-fertility.html

      • Vanessa

        SO GOOD

      • emmers

        That’s so good! Thanks for sharing.

      • Celesta Torok

        Crying. Yes to all of it.

      • Cellistec

        “We are all hurtling into the unknown. Let’s not pretend we’re too lucky or too cool to care how it turns out. Let’s not let other people tell us we should care less. Let’s care so much that it hurts. Let’s work as hard as we can for what we love, in spite of terrible odds, in spite of horrible conditions, in spite of feeling broken and inconsolable, in spite of everything.”

        LOVE. And I don’t even want bio kids. There’s something for everyone in that piece.

      • Anon Today for Reasons

        Thank you for sharing that link (and hugs to Celesta). I shared a month or two ago that I was going off the pill to start getting my cycle back in action in the hopes that we’d be trying for a kid next year. I think it was really helpful for me to read this right now…good perspective for someone like me who hasn’t dipped her toe into TTC yet but soon will.

    • I totally feel you with the whole babymaking thing. I went off birth control in January and was hoping we’d be pregnant by the end of the year. (Silly to try and plan things, I know, but it’s hard not to be hopeful.) It also doesn’t help that four of my girlfriends have had babies this year and I’m just over in the corner at their baby showers trying to keep it together. I’ve waited so long to be at the point in my life where I’m finally able to have kids, and now that’s it’s here I have zero patience. I’m ready for it to be my turn.

      • Celesta Torok

        Oh man, this so much. I think in the last 3 weeks I’ve heard that 6 different friends are pregnant. And while so happy for them, there’s definitely some pregnancy jealousy happening. My husband and I had a convo the other day that you spend such a big chunk of time trying to avoid a baby and then the time comes and it’s not as easy as it seems to be!

    • JC

      Smoke detector crisis is a Thanksgiving tradition in my family. It literally never happens outside the month of November. I’m baffled.

    • anon for baby talk

      UGH. YES. We just started trying last week after a miscarriage in August (and almost a year of trying before that) and I am fairly certain (thanks to temping) that I did not get pregnant this go around… so, yeah, a rough week over here too. My poor husband is so confused — I am too, I guess. I thought I was over the miscarriage, but nope. This week I got angry… at everyone. but especially pregnant people.

      Sorry, those aren’t good thoughts… but empathetic thoughts at least? I’m sorry that you’re feeling crappy this week… I’m right there with you, and I wish I knew what would help…

      • Celesta Torok

        I’m so sorry to hear that anon for baby talk. Does it help to know you’re not alone in your frustration and anger? It’s okay to grieve and be angry. I’m sending all the love to you in the world.

        • anon for baby talk

          Thanks, Celesta. I know that eventually this will just be a blip on the way to becoming parents, whether through pregnancy or adoption. Right now in the unknown, its just rough, as you say. Here’s to next month for both of us!

  • Katelyn

    Hello again HH! Thank you so much for all the love last Friday. I really, really needed it. I know my SIL can really feel all the support as well.

    As it turns out, she did not start treatment last weekend – not sure where the lines got crossed there, but she has another week and a half off until anything happens. This week they visited another oncologist to get a second opinion on prognosis and treatment. He was “optimistic” – a word we are clinging on to hard. Given that the initial 5 year survival rate quoted was 15%, we’ll take anything.

    I’m heading back home tonight to see this cutie and her two brothers. This has been quite the crash course in child care!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/dd3437bba15b0395270496a555ce5790ef5102196abe2506bb4569be93c8aa75.png

  • CharlotteJ

    I’d like to start an engagement ring thread! I posted last week that my boyfriend asked me to send him photos of engagement rings that I like, and I’ve been having fun doing research. I’m curious–where did you get your engagement ring? What style do you prefer, and why? And if you don’t mind me asking, how much did it cost? I’m trying to keep the cost under $500, and I’ve found some lovely rings with a moissanite stone. Does anyone else have experience with moissanite? Or other non-diamond stones? I’d love to see photos of your rings!

    • CP2011

      I’m not sure if they have a lot under $500, but I got a human-made diamond and ring from brilliant earth and have been completely happy with it.

      • CharlotteJ

        Brilliant Earth has some truly beautiful rings! I have definitely been mooning over their photos…glad you had a good experience!!

    • AGCourtney

      https://www.etsy.com/transaction/217935834
      Disqus isn’t letting me upload pictures today, but there’s a link to my ring. We had a great experience and the jeweler does some lovely stuff with moissanite: https://www.etsy.com/shop/GNGJewel?ref=l2-shopheader-name

      • Lisa

        I think you did what I first did with Etsy earlier; you have to post the link to the original posting, not through the section with your purchases. Otherwise, we just get an error link.

        • AGCourtney

          *forehead slap* fixed it.

      • CharlotteJ

        I had been looking at that Etsy shop! Good to know you had a good experience! The first link wasn’t working for me, but the second was! Thank you for your help!

        • AGCourtney

          Haha, I fixed the link. Mine’s green tourmaline.

    • Lisa

      My wedding set came from my husband’s godmother’s godmother! She and her husband purchased it in London ca. 1950 before they moved to America. I love vintage rings and looked at a lot on-line while we were pre-engaged. This wasn’t a style I was expecting to love, but when I saw this set in the line-up with the great-godmother’s two other diamond rings, I knew it was mine.

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5eebac965062b43017c198038c1b614889c7eda5b13b8ab9e1743d0dab57df63.jpg

      • CharlotteJ

        That is STUNNING! I would love an heirloom ring, sadly I don’t think anyone in my family has one to give…but yours is amazing!

        • Likeabell

          Mine’s a similar style to @disqus_ShkBoOhlEN:disqus’s band (diamonds/platinum w. yellowgold band, yeah?). Not an heirloom for me, but bought through a vintage dealer on Etsy who’s located in Edinburgh, where some of my dad’s family is from. So in my mind, it was like that connection made it…almost heirloom? :) I think if you did find a vintage ring you love, a little imagination/romanticism can go a long way towards making it feel like an heirloom, haha! Also, mine was about $300 (it’s set with smaller stones like Lisa’s band), but I’ve seen the ones w. large central diamonds for around $600. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/29cbfcd27be1322e44921a750a6f4fac129f60335d65f703d9916da3813d0e92.png

          • CharlotteJ

            Gorgeous!! You’re totally right, a vintage ring could easily be seen as an heirloom (and would become one if I passed it on! :-))

        • Marlene Harris Collection has an aaaaaaaaamazing selection of antique and vintage rings at *every* price point imaginable: https://www.marleneharriscol.com/

          I got my ring from her and love its botanical/Aztec-y vibes. I also really love browsing the men’s section, because BOY have men’s wedding band styles changed!!

          https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1a2433091dcb1c584f63355955e617582c3996594934af0da62f30fa15449dfe.jpg

          • CharlotteJ

            Oh your ring is awesome!! So interesting, definitely seeing those Aztec vibes. Love it. And the Marlene Harris collection is great, I will definitely be browsing their collection, thank you!

    • Brynna

      My fiance got mine online (on eBay – not super romantic, but a great deal!). I wanted an oval diamond and something that sat really low on my finger, so it didn’t catch on things. Moissanite is a great choice; I would have been totally fine with it, but for whatever reason, my fiance wasn’t. I would recommend trying on as many rings as you can in-person to get a feel for the size/shape you like. Good luck!

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8dfd012a6c297c522b8ac7ab1d3a82f78c09db1038e280c49164500790b501ad.jpg

      • CharlotteJ

        That is gorgeous!! Thank you so much for sharing! I definitely am worried about a ring that catches on things or just generally gets in the way (I’m not much of a ring-wearer as it is), so a low-sitting stone makes sense for me, too. Great idea about trying them on, I will try to do that!

      • Fellow oval diamond here – yours is stunning!

    • Olive

      We bought mine from Rosado’s Box (an actual jewelry store in Chicago) on Etsy. The center stone is moissanite and the halo and others are diamond. This is the closest I could find to the one I have, but they have a TON of options and will customize anything. https://www.etsy.com/listing/189754579/hollie-75mm-14kt-white-gold-cushion-fb?ga_search_query=halo%2Bmoissanite&ref=shop_items_search_64

      • CharlotteJ

        Awesome, thank you!!

      • I got my band from Rosado’s Box. They do some lovely vintage-inspired work!

    • Eenie

      Gemvara (loved their customer service) you can wait for their 20% off sale and bump your budget up slightly.
      Center diamond is a sapphire. I love the split shank because it keeps the ring very low profile. It does make it wide which makes it less comfortable than my wedding band which is also from Gemvara.
      Price was $2800 when I bought it, but I went with platinum for durability reasons.

      Here is their selection for moissanite under $1000 (I know, I know, but wait for a sale!).
      https://www.gemvara.com/Moissanite-Engagement-Rings/jewelry/b/?cat=Ring&gem=Moissanite&sty=Engagement&min_pri=0&max_pri=1000

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0dc23bb0567e4c773a35a6ffddeeba23cb8a6d9f77cbd1cd7fa46976cced8cc7.jpg

    • InTheBurbs

      My ring is moissanite and I love it – we used McFarland Designs – she has an extensive Etsy shop – this is the closest in her current inventory – and about what we spent: https://www.etsy.com/listing/177815284/simple-solitaire-forever-brilliant?ref=shop_home_active_34

      • CharlotteJ

        Beautiful!! I’m so glad to hear you like moissanite, and that shop has some great stuff, thank you so much!

    • Katherine

      Herkimer diamond here! https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/92bde8be098ba52ea766506c167af20f86911491e4d2ad3802653372f072dc8c.jpg I wanted something simple, a little rough-looking, and dirt cheap.

      • CharlotteJ

        Oh that is lovely!! I just learned about Herkimer diamonds from that recent APW Instagram post…I will definitely look into that! Did yours come from Etsy?

      • R

        I am from Herkimer County, so I LOVE this :) I have a Herkimer diamond necklace from an Etsy seller. I feel like it’s getting easier and easier to find Herkimer diamond jewelry, and it makes me so happy!

    • it’sallhappening!!!

      I don’t have a pic of my ring handy, but I got mine from Macy’s, they have great sales and nice jewelry! My ring is a pale pink morganite, halo cut with diamonds around it and on the band, It was 60% off and cost ~$450-500 I think. Fiance then got the wedding band off of overstock.com really pretty and it matches! I think he paid $200?

      • CharlotteJ

        Macy’s is a great idea, I love them! I will definitely check them out, and overstock.com. Thank you!! (Your ring sounds so beautiful!)

    • GotMarried!

      I went diamond … but blue.
      Didn’t hit the under $500 mark, but certainly cheaper than white diamonds.
      I’m not particularly traditional, so I initially wanted something sapphire, but when we found this stone at a local jeweler we bought it and went from there.

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/928f896d2563d3a6cd054a8a1f41fa563008d7c6005096a857991c652efdcf0a.jpg

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/fc8b42a3bccdafe00ddead48f5c0a693120a936fd47e7c67e8a1870f4db57b09.jpg

      • CharlotteJ

        When one of my best friends got engaged, she picked out an engagement ring that had a blue diamond! I love those, so beautiful!!

    • I went traditional, with a diamond but I’ll share anyway. Originally I thought I wanted a solitaire with a round diamond, until I tried it on and hated it. I fell in love with a vintage setting with channel set diamonds & a oval center stone. My ring came from Shane Co which has fabulous customer service – they’ve been an absolute joy to work with and I’ve bought more jewelry from them since.

      Link to ring – http://www.shaneco.com/detail/classic-vintage-diamond-engagement-ring-with-pave-setting/41055807

      • CharlotteJ

        I am all for diamonds! I would probably go with a diamond if I could find one for the price of moissanite. Thank you for sharing, and for recommending Shane Co! Looks like a wonderful shop, and that setting is SO beautiful!!

    • Cdn icecube

      Edit because I posted to the wrong thread. A good friend of mine had a lot of luck with blue Nile. They’re online only and have a lot of options with different price points. The ring we’ve picked out is a cushion cut halo diamond with pave band. I love the cathedral setting and the one we picked does sit high, but my theory is that if you’re going to wear it every day, you should like how it looks from all angles. I also really like cushion cuts because they’re not quite square, not quite circular and still pretty sparkly. Just my $0.02.

      • CharlotteJ

        Awesome, thank you! I’ve heard good things about Blue Nile, I will check them out!

      • Giselle

        Also they offer $100 off sometimes or on first purchases…be sure to save that code when you log in/sign up (and then unsubscribe from their many newsletters after purchase). I used it for my husband’s ring.

    • AmandaBee

      My friend has a moissonite ring, and she loves it. It looks just like a diamond to me, but apparently the sparkle is more like a rainbow than the pure white of a diamond, which she actually really likes.

      DH was really insistent that we wouldn’t buy a conventional diamond because of ethical issues, so we narrowed it down to moissonite or vintage. I looked a moissonite but found a vintage diamond three-stone ring that I loved, so that’s what we ended up getting. It was around $1,000 which was our budget, though I did see a lot of vintage rings (especially simple solitaire settings) for the $500-800 range when we were looking. In-person vintage shops were better for us than online shopping, because I had to really see it on my finger.

      Here’s a picture where you can only sort of see it, from our engagement shoot.
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b8b8113ec6daeb5ee50f9507340928c2979f1ee9c4db47cae4d9136bfeb59fc1.jpg

      • CharlotteJ

        That is a fantastic ring, I love it!! Thank you for sharing your ring story! I will definitely look at vintage shops in person.

    • Rebecca

      Definitely go out and try stuff on with a good friend, don’t just research online. I was convinced I wanted a platinum ring, no stones, with some kind of twist or embellishment in the metal. And then I tried stuff on. And my friend was like “um, all the things you’re loving have stones. And you seem to prefer rose gold.” And here I am with my rose gold and diamond engagement band, still totally in love with it! (I wanted a really low profile and something that could work as a band on its own if I didn’t want to get a wedding band.. Although I probably will.)
      Mine was 1260$Aus but if you could find someone to make it in moissanite it’d be pretty cheap, and I’ve only heard good things about moissanite. But TRY STUFF ON. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/61139b6f473c18de1afeb194342c78f0f8c4c929ae2071e668be12aab0054812.jpg

    • CommaChick

      I got mine at Shane & Co for less than $500. The stone is a blue-green sapphire. The stone actually cost considerably less than the band. Although blue-green sapphires are rare, they are in low demand. I really wanted a bezel setting, where the band goes all the way around the stone. I love the color, and I love the bezel because my ring can’t catch or snag on anything. I can’t get food or anything stuck in it, and I can’t scratch myself or anyone else with it. [My friends call the large diamonds “baby-scratchers” because we knew someone who had to stop wearing her ring because she accidentally scratched her baby’s face with it.] https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b526a30e3b0b84fab0d132339d64a033549dd224fb4ca4e7729e5277d5f090d8.jpg

      • Jenn

        I also got my ring from Shane & CO and have had nothing but good experiences with them! I found their salespeople to be much more open to non-diamond engagement rings than other stores that I went to (mine is also a sapphire). Plus, every ring comes with a free lifetime maintenance plan, so you can get your ring cleaned and inspected every 6 months.

        • CharlotteJ

          Awesome, I will for sure check out Shane & Co, thank you!

          • CommaChick

            They don’t have stores all around the country, unfortunately; I think they are primarily in the Midwest.

      • CharlotteJ

        That ring is beautiful! And yikes, really good point about the “baby-scratcher” rings, the bezel setting is lovely and makes a lot of practical sense!

    • Samantha

      I got my fiancee a ring from Kay for a little over three hundred. Her ring is a gorgeous lab created emerald with a rose gold band (her favorite). I wanted to get her something kind of untraditional but appropriately fancy, haha!

      • CharlotteJ

        That sounds beautiful, and the perfect price point!

  • CP2011

    Has anyone undertaken a kitchen remodel lately? We are in the very initial phases, but I’m already feeling overwhelmed by all the unknowns and moving pieces. We have gone back forth on IKEA vs not, but now I’m leaning toward it because it seems the most straightforward, although we will still need to find a general contractor to prep the space and do the electrical work. I hate feeling stressed by this completely optional and exciting decision!

    • AGCourtney

      Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. We’re almost there! It’s been a saga. (it started out as just painting…) We’re doing it through IKEA. Double-check with your local one, but they’re doing a deal where if you pay for a measurement service & kitchen planner to your house, they give you that amount back on a gift card when you buy the kitchen. You may only want that if you officially decide on IKEA, but it was really convenient having the space measured and the design started on the online program for us.

      They also just started a sale where you get a percentage of your kitchen purchase back on a gift card. That goes until mid-November, I believe.

      • CP2011

        Thanks! I did the measuring and online planner myself, with some tweaks by an employee at the store. Our local store isn’t eligible for the promotion, sadly. Did you go through their contracted installers? We can’t seem to find any contractors wiling to install it, but the reviews of the IKEA vendors (varies by city, I know) are pretty bad.

        • AGCourtney

          Ah, okay, awesome. Your “initial phases” are much, much better than ours, haha. We haven’t purchased and installed yet – I’m really, really hoping we can do it this month but early November at the latest. We have a couple small decisions left to make and then it should be finalized. But we’re not going through their installers – my husband knows a contractor who does the installation for the place we’re getting counters and has done IKEA kitchens.

          • Cdn icecube

            A good friend of mine had a lot of luck with blue Nile. They’re online only and have a lot of options with different price points. The ring we’ve picked out is a cushion cut halo diamond with pave band. I love the cathedral setting and the one we picked does sit high, but my theory is that if you’re going to wear it every day, you should like how it looks from all angles. I also really like cushion cuts because they’re not quite square, not quite circular and still pretty sparkly. Just my $0.02.

    • Nicole

      We haven’t undertaken a kitchen remodel but we did move into a house with an IKEA kitchen and I love it. Everyone loves it and comments on it a lot. Except I wish they had gone with only pull-outs/drawers for all the base cabinets and now the door style is out so I can’t go back and do it myself.

    • KK

      Just put an offer on a house that will need a kitchen reno down the line, and we would definitely consider Ikea. Excited to hear about people’s experiences! Good luck with yours!!

    • Lesley

      Check out housetweaking.com. it’s a blog that regularly features ikea kitchens. The blogger has an ikea kitchen herself. She started featuring ikea kitchens on her blog since she struggled to find real life examples of them when she was renovating her house.

    • Jennifer

      We just started talking reno to a contractor this week regarding our kitchen addition. We were looking at IKEA before that though. I’m not entirely sure how it will go but I’ll post again once we get to that point and I would love to hear what happens with yours!

  • anon for this

    Advice welcome regarding the scoundrel brother-in-law, part a million. My sister’s cheating husband has avoided my parents/siblings/me for 2 years while he had an affair and divorce seemed imminent. Then his mistress dumped him last spring and suddenly he was open to reconciling things with sister. Cue this weekend, when — invited by my sister but with no warning to the rest of us — he shows up at a family dinner. My siblings and I were civil but not warm. Sister is mad at us for “embarrassing” her and not aiding their reconciliation. We’re frustrated because we felt like he got sprung on us, he never made any effort to reach out to us prior to this weekend, and he didn’t attempt to engage us in conversation (never mind any kind of acknowledgement of his wrongdoings and the effect they had, on my sister if not the rest of us).

    Thoughts on the best way to proceed? We want to be supportive of her, which we acknowledge might include this
    relationship, but we’re unwilling to pretend all is hunky-dory. If civility were enough, there wouldn’t be an issue. But now we’re getting blamed for not being enthusiastically warm, and honestly, I don’t feel
    obligated to be warm and inviting to someone who emotionally destroyed
    my sister (she admits this) and who seems to expect to be welcomed with
    open arms as if he was lost at sea through no fault of his own and rescued from a half-inflated dinghy punctured by sharks with hawks circling overhead. To be clear, I think there are two separate issues — no warning from her that he was coming and no effort by him to engage us — but where to go with this, I’m not sure.

    • Alanna Cartier

      I’m always in the camp of “treat the asshole boyfriend or husband well” if only because I wouldn’t want to put any distance between me and my sister when/if that jerk continues to emotionally destroy her. She’ll need you then.

      • anon for this

        I know it’s a common sentiment, but my relationship with him never exceeded “hey, how’s it going?” So I don’t know how to do more than hello with him to begin with and, as an introvert who honestly kind of hates him, putting extra energy into faking warmth feels impossible especially when surprised by his presence. As in, setting aside if I should do it, I don’t know how.

        • NolaJael

          That’s tough. Especially since (in my experience) these kind of winners don’t make it particularly easy to be nice to them, i.e. have normal pleasant conversations and the like. Likely your sister was really anxious about this reunion and she just has her own issues. Be as supportive as a you can muster and leave it at that.

          • Cellistec

            Yeah, faking warmth doesn’t sound like something you can sustain for long, not to mention that your sister apparently isn’t fooled by it. If it were me, I would say this to my sister: “I know bringing [brother-in-law] back into the family is important to you, and we’re not handling it like you want, but we’ve spent two years being angry at him on your behalf, and it’s going to take time for us to get to know him as a person again. We’ll try our best if you can be patient with us.”

          • anon for this

            This is a really helpful phrasing, thank you!

          • anon-o-tron

            This is a great way to put this.

          • anon for this

            Thank you! And thanks for the reminder that she was anxious and that may need to be addressed, as in Cellistec’s wording below.

        • Alanna Cartier

          Yeah, you really can’t be expected to do more when you are surprised. I would just talk to your sister, let her know you were shocked and that you love her and support her.

          • anon for this

            Thanks — I think articulating my surprise is important for conveying how hard it is to switch gears especially shocked by someone’s presence.

    • Anon For This Response

      I’m sorry to hear about this; it must have been such a shock to have this sprung on you in this way. Maybe your sister saw this as a way to avoid any push back that might have come with advance discussion or notice. Anyhow, I am concerned for your sister, but I would suspect she is invested in this reconciliation and feeling optimistic. The fact that he only came back when he got dumped and that he had an affair for 2 years and was capable of devastating your sister during those 2 years….well that worries me.

      Your sister might not be open to this right now, but I would suggest the Chump Lady book and her blog, if you don’t already know about it. Even if your sister stays with her husband, I feel it could be helpful for you and your family to learn from the straight talk over there. And your sister too, if she’s open to it. There are some commenters who are reconciling, but they are a minority. However, most everyone over there did try reconciling one or more times. The site’s kinda like APW for people in this situation. There are also forums where you could talk to people more specifically too. Is your sister doing a post-nup with her spouse? If her husband won’t do a post-nup (that would protect her if he cheats again and would lay out the terms of the divorce in advance), it could be a good indicator of his commitment to not cheating again, since a post-nup would only be relevant if he cheats. Also, Chump Lady has a post called “Real Remorse or Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse” (and many, many others) that could be helpful.

      From what I’ve heard, most people in this situation give their spouses a second (or third, etc.) chance because they love them and they desperately want to make the marriage work and of course, sunk costs and the feeling that the devil you know is better than the one you don’t. It’s hard to believe they could ever find anyone else out there better, when you’re in that situation, and the idea of divorce and being alone can be terrifying too. Plus they might believe (as they are often told) that they were the problem in the marriage and that’s why the person cheated. But even if there had been problems in the marriage (and that is not always the case, not at all!), but even if there were…that still isn’t a reason to cheat. It’s a reason to seek counseling or to divorce, if there is no chance of solution, but not to cheat.

      I am glad that you and your family love your sister and are there for her. I wish you all the best as you love her and try to support her during this hard time.

  • it’sallhappening!!!

    I’m getting married in 9 days! I’m tired, excited, not eating well, nervous about going to get my dress tomorrow. last week I was supposed to be able to bring it home and the tailors freaking ripped the lace on my bodice. I flipped out and definitely said, “THIS. IS. BANANAS!!!” I know it’s all going to be fine. But I’m worried that it won’t fit or that I haven’t been trying hard enough to lose weight or whatever. I’m a pretty strong/fit person in general but lately I just haven’t been doing my usual routine.
    Things with wedding planning are overall going pretty well. I just want to lay in bed and watch Gilmore girls all the time. I can’t wait to get married and to have the big party, but can someone just, help me remember it’s all going to be great?

    • idkmybffjill

      It’s all going to be great!! Everything is going to come together. It’s going to be wonderful!

      • it’sallhappening!!!

        thank you! =)

    • Eenie

      It’s going to be great! And if for any reason it isn’t, it will be over, and you’ll hopefully never have to do it again!

    • Nikki

      The week leading up to my wedding was, to be quite honest, one of the worst weeks of my life. I was SO STRESSED about a million things, and then the wedding day itself was glorious, so I PROMISE you it’s all going to be great! You can do it!!

    • Soooo many people getting married next weekend!

      My photographer (and a bunch of other area photographers) have *no* April weddings this year. ‘Wonder if October is the new April?

      • Lisa

        Fall is definitely the new “it” season. Several years ago when our friends started getting married, I noticed a drop in summer weddings and an uptick in September ones. By the time we got married, October was popular. Now two years later, I’m noticing a bleed into late-October and November. I’m wondering if people are trying to capitalize on the off- or shoulder-season wedding prices as more couples pay for the wedding expenses themselves.

  • Alanna Cartier

    This week is going to include the 1 month mark for our wedding! AHHHH. We have our tasting planned. I think I have our seating plan done. I made a Seating chart, a menu and guest book card for guests, that I’m hoping I can scan after the wedding and include in our album. My dress is now at home, waiting in my closet for the big day. I think I’m going to do my first batch of hard candy for the favours this weekend.

  • Kat

    So I’ve received 2 weeks worth of paychecks from my new job and I’ve already been able to pay off some things that I had been basically ignoring for a month because I was so broke. I feel like I can breathe for the first time in a year, financially speaking. Three cheers for getting back on track.

    Also, we went to Boca for Rosh Hashanah and as soon as we got back home I declared a State of Halloween on our new place. Pretty stoked to live somewhere with the potential for trick-or-treaters for the first time ever! https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c6f834f006c92e1c237be9e8856b99532c63a360dc3a86bee4fc1d2e7af69d6f.png

    • Ashlah

      Your front door is adorable! Yay trick-or-treaters! I’ve yet to live anywhere that gets any, and it’s such a bummer! Hope you get lots of cuties!

      • Kat

        Both of our neighbors have toddlers and promised to bring them by, so that’s at least two!

  • Lmba

    Whew, I am in the throes of trying to launch an itty bitty business and OH EM GEE it is a lot of freaking work. All the props to you ladies who are hustling out there. This is my first time trying to launch a solo business and it’s kindof kicking my butt! I’m the full-time caregiver for our two little ones, and husband works full-time plus a photography side hustle, so we have been a BUSY household over the past month. Finally got some part-time (10 hours/week) childcare lined up so now it’s grind grind grind to try to get enough registrations to run my classes. So much anxiety that I won’t have the numbers and will need to cancel. Sheesh.

    • Shawna

      Hooray for the launching business ladies! I hope your first round surprises you with its success, but even if it doesn’t, don’t lose heart. It’s hard to get it going. I keep falling apart when things aren’t going according to my “everything should be perfect and run smoothly to great success the first time” imaginary plan. I know rationally that this is ridiculous, but it’s hard when you want it to be awesome SO BADLY. Looking back at September, it was a pretty great month and this month is on track to be better so here’s hoping the trend continues for us all!

      What are you teaching?

      • Lmba

        I’m opening an art school in my basement! Starting slow this session with weekly classes for toddlers and preschoolers and an adult workshop.

        • Shawna

          Sounds like an amazing project! You’re going to be wonderful.

  • Rebecca

    I found my dress!!! It’s silk and halter and under a grand, and it has an elastic waist under the sash so I can eat all the cake I want and just retie the sash a little looser… I am so excited!!! (Guys we’re having coconut and candied pineapple cake and it’s amazing.)
    Plus I got through the first round of recruitment for my dream job, which would start right after we get back after the wedding, and in the meantime I need to finish my PhD… It’s going to be a busy 5 months!

  • Samantha

    anyone have any recs for a nice wedding venue in Florida that’ll let us have a cake and champagne reception? I’m realizing that the traditional venues are going to be a no go because they all want to push their caterer/have a food limit. I’m almost wishing I was religious so we could just marry in a church… but I’m an atheist and we’re gay which hinders things.

    • emilyg25

      Check out local community centers.

    • AmandaBee

      In addition to community centers, perhaps check the local park system? Some have indoor lodges or really nice shelterhouses, and depending on state/local laws it might be possible to apply for an alcohol permit.

      Also, consider doing an off-day or off-time. Food limits are often much lower if you’re willing to do it on a Friday/Sunday.

    • Marcela

      Where in Florida? Any particular vibe you are going for?

  • anon-o-tron

    We moved into our new house last weekend and it’s been a world of surprises so far. A bunch of stuff was missed by the inspection so just in the past week we’ve noticed water in the basement issues (yay for it finally raining I guess), mould in one of the other basement walls which means we’ll be needing to tear that out (we noticed the musty smell as soon as we moved in but no one picked it up while we were viewing or during the inspection – I’m guessing because there was no rain and they had aired the place out) and my FIL found an electrical box in the ceiling the other day (definitely not code).

    We’ve noticed a lot of the work around the house has been half-finished DIY work, so there is a ton of weird things like none of the baseboards are nailed in, grout was never put in the bathroom tiles, holes were stuffed with rags (all things we knew about before and are nbd to us). And also, when we moved in we were given a single key that only opened one of the three doors to the house. Apparently they didn’t have any of the other keys.

    It feels great to finally be moved in and we both love the house but ARE YOU KIDDING ME with some of this stuff. Luckily FIL is very handy and we are both willing to learn so hopefully we can get this place in shape soon.

  • Rebekah Abeja

    Way late, but I haven’t chimed in here in a few weeks, so here I am. I had a looong week at work, but my Friday was a good ending. My (Montessori preschool) class made banana bread together, and after work my husband and I went to my in-laws for a delicious dinner. I finally feel like I’m getting a handle on household routines, a year into living away from my parents. Everything feels like it’s on the up and up.

  • Jeankmcclaskey4

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    !mj446d:
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  • joanna b.n.

    Y’all. I realize I’m like 84 days late on commenting on 1) the Compact news, and 2) this happy hour. But in a moment of downtime, after a week of intense travel to be with my aging father who just broke his hip and had to have emergency total hip replacement (!) just before leaving for a work conference, and ongoing work drama and other life events, I finally got to catch up on the APW discussions. And YAYYYYYYYYYY big big yay for the Compact. Like so many other things (all things?) Meg says/does, I am like, yes, duh. This is perfect. So congrats, and good wishes, and see you there. :)

    Love to all! (Especially all you October brides! I’m a week away from 7 years!)

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