APW Happy Hour


Getting close to go time

by Maddie Eisenhart, Chief Revenue Officer

Processed with VSCO with a6 preset

HEY APW,

Maddie here, writing to you from the last few weeks of pregnancy (insert happy/scared/omg emoji here). I haven’t written much about the being pregnant on APW. I wish I had lots to say on the subject, but it’s been primarily a physical experience for me. Lots of nausea, falling asleep at 8 p.m., trying to figure out what foods won’t give me insta-heartburn, working on the perfect position to spoon my overpriced but totally worth it pregnancy body pillow.

But I will say, one unexpected upside is that pregnancy has given me a level of chill I don’t normally possess. All those people-pleasing tendencies and discomfort at being the focus of anyone’s goodwill? Gone. And since I haven’t had the energy to get in my own way lately, it’s made space for a lot of love and generosity to come my way. Case in point: last weekend, the APW team threw me a baby shower. And y’all? It was the most Maddie party I’ve ever been to. Meg’s son (aka my godson) dictated many of the details, so highlights included a onesie bedazzling station and party food from McDonalds. I was in heaven. I’m hoping the zen carries over into parenting, because I could get used to this new me.

In totally unrelated news, you may have noticed some new ads on APW this last week or so. We’re testing out a new ad delivery system, which means that things are going to be changing in real time over the next few weeks as we figure out what works best. It’s very much a living breathing thing right now and hasn’t been finalized yet, so thank you for your patience while we’re sorting it all out.

In the meantime, I really appreciate the feedback we’ve received from you guys so far. Y’all are always so nice when giving us bad news. We’re taking all of it into consideration as we work on the final ad configuration. If you do see anything you want to bring to our attention (especially any ads that seem against the ethos of APW), the best way to do it is to email team (at) apracticalwedding (dot) com. If you can, please include a screenshot illustrating the issue so we can forward it to the ad folks.

And with that, it’s your happy hour so get to it!

XO,

MADDIE

P.S. If you’re in the Bay Area, there’s still time to get in on the Phenomenal Woman campaign event happening at the APW offices on Saturday and Sunday. Head here to get more info and sign up!

link round-up

Operation London Bridge: The secret plans for the days after the Queen’s death.

The return of the Ableist narrative: Why do we have to keep demanding food accessibility?

Self-proclaimed Nazis were thrown out of a bar in Portland.

Everything You Think You Know About the Death of Mike Brown is Wrong, and the Man Who Killed Him Admits It

Are we raising racists?

19 Times Women Were Too Good and Pure For This World

Unspeakable realities block universal health coverage in the U.S.

Maddie Eisenhart

Maddie is APW’s Chief Revenue Officer. She’s been writing stories about boys, crushes, and relationships since she was old enough to form shapes into words, but received her formal training (and a BS) from NYU in Entertainment and Mass Media in 2008. She now spends a significant amount of time thinking about trends on the internet and whether flower crowns will be out next year. A Maine native, Maddie currently lives on a pony farm in the Bay Area with her husband, Michael and their mastiff puppy. Current hair color: Purple(ish).

Staff Picks

[Read comment policy before commenting]

  • Jessica

    This week has been just a solid amount of GO and I’m really looking forward to 1. sleeping in tomorrow and 2. not doing anything on Sunday.

    What are your self care plans this weekend, friends?

    • Violet

      My self-care weekend started by taking today off, yay! Plus getting a haircut, exercising, and hanging with my sister. Should be just the right ratio of doing stuff:relaxing.

    • CMT

      I am going to sleep so much this weekend! This week has been crazy for me. Monday feels like it was a month ago. So I will be taking all of the naps.

      • Violet

        Oh yeah, naps. Good call. Adding that to my itinerary.

    • We’re going to see Beauty and the Beast at our favorite theater. I bought tickets weeks ago because the theater has assigned seating, so we will be in the center of the first row in the balcony gorging ourselves on chocolate popcorn and hard cider!

      • Jessica

        Sooooo jealous! The friend I most want to see B&tB with is out of town this weekend, but maybe next weekend we’ll go to the fancy theater with wine!

      • stephanie

        I CAN NOT WAIT TO SEE THIS MOVIE I AM SO EXCITED

      • AC

        Yay Cinerama! That sounds like a fabulous plan.

    • Alyssa

      We had Daylight Savings Time last weekend, and I haven’t recovered. Looking forward to a wedding this weekend, but otherwise lots of lounging and perhaps a hike!

    • JC

      This week has been completely awful. I watched GBBO all night last night to recover. I intend to finish the latest season this weekend and try my hand at some new recipes for the spring. I’m also joining a new gym, which has been a source of major stress this week but will ultimately be a self care win!

      • LadyMe

        GBBO is the best self care.

        • Violet

          So soothing.

        • JC

          I just started grinning the moment Mel and Sue appeared. Seriously, so much joy.

      • Ashlah

        Yesss, Netflix just got more GBBO (or whatever the Americanized title is), and I am so pumped.

        • Amy March

          This is wonderful news!

      • Kat

        This has been me all week. I’ve had some sort of respiratory infection but fortunately/unfortunately I can work from home whenever, so it’s been a lot of feverish GBBO and cough syrup in my pajamas while I tried to get anything done.

    • Brooke

      Sitting my butt down on the couch and drinking a bottle of prosecco with my husband tonight, and either hiking or a trip to the farmer’s market in the morning! Both are oddly tranquil, and with the weather warming up, I suddenly want to do all of the outdoor things again.

      • Anna

        We had a couple weeks of really nice spring-y weather and then it got gross and snowed again, so I want to do all of the outdoor things sooooo badly but right now I can’t :-/

        • Brooke

          Ours has been a rollercoaster here. The weekends (luckily) seem to warm up to 70-80 degrees, but we had snow and 30 degree days this week!

    • Jess

      Having been traveling for the last two months off and on, including surprise travel all this week, I am going to be going out for a friend’s birthday pretty much right after my flight lands, then spending the next two days baking all the things.

    • Lawyerette510

      For self care this weekend, I’m going to take a bath tonight and sleep-in tomorrow!

    • zana

      We’ve got a platform tent with a heater at Yosemite for the weekend. It’s the very beginning of the 7 days/week season, and it’s super crazy affordable.

    • HannahESmith

      Nice long workout at the gym, followed by a nice long session in the sauna. And doughnuts. Because life needs balance.

    • Totch

      Spring cleaning, and reminding myself that cleaning is self care and I’ll appreciate it later.

      • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

        I’m so happy that cleaning is a soother for me, so I’m going to crank up a podcast and go for it tomorrow!

    • Katherine

      A friend of mine invited me over to sit on the couch in sweatpants and watch a nature documentary tonight, which was exactly what I needed. Otherwise, I’m going to try and catch up on sleep and go for a trail run. And probably drink some beers.

    • the cupboard under the stairs

      The weather’s supposed to be amazing here in CO, so I definitely want to go on a nice easy hike or laze around at a park. Also, SHOPPING. My husband and I are headed to Tulum next weekend, and I want to get some cheap sandals and cute off-the-shoulder tops and such. Any and all Tulum suggestions welcome!

    • Lisa

      We have a busy weekend, but full of great things. Date night tonight – we’re going out for tapas! Yay! Tomorrow we have to decide between Shabbat services, a hike, conversations about our next move/major life transitions, and the National Alpaca Show in Denver. Guess which one I want to win? And on Sunday there is a day long event on gardening, including a cooking class centered on produce from your own garden. I’m so excited about everything. All I do is win, win, win….

    • 1. Sleep
      2. Take a long bath with the fancy bath bomb I bought myself
      3. Set aside some dedicated time to take care of some thesis writing. I find I stress a lot less if I have at least done something productive.
      4. Yoga
      5. Finishing off the bottle of Tempranillo I opened this week.

      • Alyssa

        mmmmmm Tempranillo. Enjoy!

    • Laura

      Shaving (it goes by the wayside during the week) and some quality time with my SO by the pool. It’s finally pool weather here and I’m loving it!

      • Jessica

        It’s almost pool weather here too. Almost 50 degrees.

        *sobs forever*

    • Eenie

      After a successful first week of work (four full days of training plus 26 additional e-learning courses) where my husband traveled for work for half of it – grocery shopping, laundry, and cooking. Getting stuff done so I’ll have time to work out after work next week. Feeling prepped makes my week less stressful.

      • Jessica

        Same. Food prep, laundry, clean something is on the list today.

  • Brynna

    We are about 5 weeks out from our wedding – got our license yesterday! Two questions I have at this moment:

    1) How do guests really feel about favors? We were thinking of skipping them…? (Edit: they would be jelly beans)

    2) Am I the only one a little flummoxed by the bachelor/bachelorette party WEEKEND trend? I have lots of friends getting married lately and I can’t make a whole weekend for everyone! My own bachelorette party is next weekend and it’s just a painting activity, wine tasting, and dinner. So like, 6 hours or so, which was a downgrade from my sister’s original weekend-in-Tahoe plan. But I feel some pressure to do the whole weekend thing? When did that become a thing??

    • Violet

      1. As y’all know, I hate “stuff,” so I’m a strict no-favors gal. If they’re there, I won’t take one. Exception if it’s edible, like chocolate.
      2. I dunno when it started, but don’t feel pressured! Your bach sounds amazing.

    • CMT

      Unless they’re something I can eat right there, I don’t usually take favors. I don’t want clutter.

      • flashphase

        We did edible favors and a lot of people ate them! When you think about it, getting ready time + travel time + time before the wedding + ceremony = a lot of time to get hungry, so a snack can be nice. But I wouldn’t go crazy or worry about it.

    • Jessica

      We skipped on the favors and no one said anything to us or my mom.

      I just had a dinner with people who were in town for the bachelorette party–it was chill. I think people have different ideas of what is fun?

    • Alyssa

      I say skip the favors. The only favors I got recently (and liked) was a bouquet of dried lavender — which was great! But not needed.

    • MrsRalphWaldo

      In reference to #1: I think the guests think favors as nice, but they’re often left behind. As a guest at weddings, I always have seen the favors as really sweet touches. As a bride, I had to find something to do with the 30 personalized wine glasses that got left on the table. We only had 100, so that’s a 30% abandon rate. If it’s super cheap, do it. But it’s definitely not necessary.

      • Jenny

        1. You can skip them, I tend to enjoy food as a favor if you decide to go with them.
        2. My friends and I do weekends primarily because we are all not living anywhere near each other so it’s always atleast 60% of people traveling by air, so we might as well make a weekend out of it. That said it’s rarely a weekend with us+other friends. So for me, I did a bachelorette party with my college friends, and then my PhD cohort threw me a party separate. I feel like there is always kind of a schedule for weekends, and there is usually a clear “main event” portion so that you could say, I can’t do a whole weekend, but I’d love to join you Saturday for the wine tour and dinner!

        ETA: your party sounds amazing and fun!

      • Gaby

        We had personalized plastic cps and match boxes and plenty got left behind of both. I hoarded the matches because we have candle all over the house and use some of the cups when we don’t want to risk breaking glass (ie. in the back yard). We also have some unused cups that I’m saving because a few family members and friends have asked me for extras and I’m happy to provide them! I think favors only matter if they matter to you, some guests will appreciate them and some will not, so do what you want!

        • Totch

          Favors only matter if they matter to you is a great way to put it.

    • Alex K

      1) I think it is totally fine to skip favors.
      2) I think it is a “thing” because many people live far away from their nearest and dearest and if everyone has to travel, it kind of makes sense to make a weekend out of it. BUT…painting, and wine, and dinner sounds FANTASTIC. Enjoy!

      • Brynna

        Actually, that makes a lot of sense!

      • Lisa

        This exactly.

    • Eh

      1. The lack of favours was on my MIL’s list of things that she claimed people would notice was missing from our wedding. Guess what – no one noticed (or at least they didn’t say anything to us). Personally, I don’t like favours (unless as CMT said, it’s something you can eat right there).
      2. Your bachelorette sounds great! I’m a bridesmaid in a friends wedding in May and I was pushing for something similar but I feel we are going to land on something much longer. I don’t live near most of my friends so I don’t mind staying overnight in a hotel but two days is a long time (especially for an introvert with a toddler). My bachelorette was a spa (hot tubs/saunas) afternoon and playing CAH all night at a cottage (all of my friends had to come from out of town so it made sense to have it over night).

      • Brynna

        That’s awesome – and it’s definitely the introvert in me screaming that 6 hours is PLENTY

    • Ashlah

      We didn’t do favors and no one cared. I actually don’t think I’ve ever gotten a favor at a wedding. I’m team skip.

    • savannnah

      I just nixed plans for a weekend destination Bachelorette party in favor of a day trip to a Korean spa in queens. Getting naked with 15 of my closest girlfriends, scrubs and Korean food court. Feeling real good about it.

      • Amy March

        Spa Castle?!? Have you been before? I love it so much!!!!

        • savannnah

          Yes! And no, I’ve been to one similar in DC but so excited to go! Glad you like it- there are mixed reviews online but my gut tells me not everyone knows what a Korean spa entails!

          • Amy March

            Advice: bring ID, they card to get your alcohol wristband, be prepared for rules and uniforms, be prepared for lots of nudity. As long as your group is into it, I think it’s a really nice experience!

          • Lexipedia

            Wait – there is one in DC?! Where??????!

          • savannnah

            Spa world! Amazzzz

      • Lisa

        This sounds amazing.

    • Rose

      I have to say, I think my dream bachelorette would have been a weekend, just because spending a weekend somewhere with all of my best friends sounds AMAZING. But there was no way it was going to happen for me or most/all of my not-bridesmaids, and the tea party we ended up having the day before the wedding was excellent, so I don’t have real regrets.

      • Brynna

        Tea party is right up my alley!

    • Amy March

      1- no one cares about favors

      2- when friends far away became a thing?

      • Brynna

        Yes!

    • emmers

      My mom really wanted to do favors, so I let her go to town on that :). I think she did little bags of reese’s cups or something, and she had a blast. Totally didn’t actually pay attention to them on the actual day. So if you have any family members who need something low-stakes to do, I highly recommend.

      • Brynna

        Great point!

    • theteenygirl

      We’re taking the money we set aside for favours and donating it to a charity we both agree on (TBD at this moment) and leaving a card explaining that at each place setting. APW has showed me that they’re often left behind… and I’d rather the money went somewhere else.

      • E.

        We felt similarly and I think what we’re going to do is give each guest a token to choose between 2 charities and we’ll donate $1 for each token

    • ManderGimlet

      Favors: fun and cute if you already have an idea that you think would be a relaxing little activity, possibly one to do with your bridal party or family. But literally no one will notice or care if you don’t have favors. A couple weddings I went to had live plants in their centerpieces and gave them away to whoever wanted them at the end and that was pretty popular.

      B’chette party weekends: do you feel pressure because it’s become popular or because your friends are hinting at doing something like that? Most people are not enthusiastic about shelling out for a lavish weekend getaway (that usually includes additional gift giving in some capacity) shortly before shelling out more money to go to a wedding. BUT if they love you they are happy to make it happen. So I would recognize “willingness” and “eagerness” as two separate things. I think most people at this point would be happy to get back to the single-night Party (or maybe that’s just me! lol)

      • ManderGimlet

        I should also say I highly agree with everyone talking about people who are far away from their crew. Make much more sense to make a weekend if everyone is travelling, though i would suspect in most cases you would have the party much longer before the wedding than a week or so as “traditionally” was the case

      • Brynna

        Most of my people are local, so I didn’t even consider the travel aspect – it totally makes sense to do a weekend if people are flying in!

      • zana

        Yeah, mine was a weekend because I came in from California, and everyone else was NY, NJ, or PA based. But…like…that’s a wide area, lol. That said, we did it affordably in the Catskills.

        I just came back from a New Orleans Bachelorette where 10/12 attendees were all from the Philadelphia-area. So it’s clearly not just about spread out friends each time.

    • Katharine Parker

      If favors are a project you will enjoy, do them, but no one notices or cares if there are no favors.

      If everyone is local, one night out makes sense. If people are coming from all over, going to a more obvious destination and doing a weekend can making things easier.

      • Brynna

        Totally – all of my people are somewhat local, so I didn’t even consider the travel situation. Duh!

      • Totch

        Agreed on applying the whole “does this bring me joy” thing to favors (and centerpieces). If you like jelly beans and will have fun bagging and labeling them or whatever your plan is, awesome. If not (or if it’s a budget thing), let it go and don’t look back.

    • JC

      The only “favors” I remember are when the couple donated to a charity they support, in honor of their guests. I loved it, but YMMV.

      • Lisa

        We’re doing cookies as favors, but also donating as a separate thing. Each guest will get two wooden tokens worth $1 each that they can deposit in the charity “bank” of their choice. There are a lot of opinions on giving philanthropically at weddings, but it’s Jewish tradition to give tzedakah (economic justice) during moments of joy. So we’re going for it and involving our guests, but we aren’t labeling them favors because it isn’t necessarily a “favor” to the guest. It’s just starting our marriage off on the right foot. :)

        • JC

          Well that’s the coolest thing I’ve ever heard!

        • rg223

          Hmm, I am not Jewish but worked at a JCC for a couple years, and I never knew the translation of “tzedakah”… very cool!

    • Lawyerette510

      Totally skip the favors. Very few people care. Even if they are something people can eat.

      I think the weekend thing has been a thing for a while, but it also has a lot to do with money and people having the money and time to do it. I did a weekend, but it was the weekend immediately before my Monday wedding, so the people who were from out of town were already traveling in, and the people in town weren’t taking any extra time off, although it did take time out of their schedule.

      Personally, I love the weekend thing, because I love getting time in with women I’m close to, or getting to better know women another woman I love is close to. That said, I’ve definitely declined the invite, or only participated in a smaller part when I didn’t feel I could afford it from a cost or time perspective.

      You’re not obligated to do a whole weekend thing, and neither are you obligated to attend every bachelorette party you’re invited to.

      • Brynna

        Yes, I think bonding with my female friends is awesome; maybe it’s the notion of being the center of attention for a whole weekend that makes me uncomfortable?

        • Lawyerette510

          Fair enough. I think the best scenario is when you are neither the reason for the weekend nor the planner of the weekend, and you just get to enjoy the experience.

    • Cellistec

      I love favors. No joke. I still remember the one wedding where I forgot to take a favor when I left, and I KNOW it was something awesome because the couple had excellent taste. Plus, jelly beans are cheap and work ok as leftovers.

      • Totch

        I had this feeling about a wedding over the summer where I swore I’d taken my little copper chicken placeholder. Then a couple weeks ago my SIL told us it got put in their luggage and they’d just forgotten to mention it! 😍

        • Cellistec

          The phrase “little copper chicken placeholder” make me inexplicably happy. I’m glad you got it after all!

    • When I was wedding planning, I heard the best favors were edible ones. I’d totally love jelly beans but I might be biased.

      And I hear you on the bachelorette weekend thing.

      • Lisa

        Edible favors are the best ones. I don’t need a random tchotchke, but I will totally eat jelly beans. That being said, if you want to save the money, nobody is going to screech “But Where Are The Favors?!?!?” Out of the past five or ten weddings I’ve been to, the only favor I remember is a bundle of really fancy stationery.

    • erika22

      1. We’re doing pretty foldable fans as favors, mostly because if it’s warm then they’ll be practical as well. We may also be doing little bags of cookies? That’s only because his mom wants to, since it’s a traditional thing in his country. In general if we weren’t worried about heat at an outdoor wedding/his mom wasn’t baking, I don’t think we’d have favors. It’s cute, but I’d hate for guests to feel obligated to keep a random thing for fear of insulting us or something weird like that.

      2. I’m doing a mini-roadtrip weekend with two friends for my “bachelorette”, but we have no other friends getting married anytime soon, and we’re all due for a friend vacation anyway. I planned it myself but made sure they were cool with a whole weekend and also gave options that were just a day/evening/mostly drinking hahaha.

    • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

      We didn’t do favors, but since the wedding was at a summer camp and half the guests were spending the night, we left brown paper bags with water and granola bars in each cabin. It felt more useful to do that than go for favors. We realized early on that anything x200 was going to be too much for us to spend.

  • Alyssa

    Ah, I would TOTALLY go to the Phenomenal Woman event, but I am going to a wedding in SLO this weekend! Have a great time!

    In moving news — Fiance and I decided that we are moving to the East Bay Area in June, after our wedding — !!!
    I have been dreaming of moving up there for a while (it’s my hometown area and my family still live there), but I’m overjoyed that he’s come around to the idea too. We’re job hunting in Oakland, SF, you name it, and I’m SO excited at the prospect of something NEW!

    We’ll be living with my parents which isn’t ideal (compared to our own place), but after the struggles living with Fiances parents and knowing that my parents will be retired and traveling a lot — and also don’t like to get all up in others’ business — I’m hopeful that it will be a less stressful experience than our current living situation with his parents. We recently got lectured on not having a “real” wedding and my MIL told me I need to schedule our civil ceremony around my brother’s work schedule (as if I wasn’t aware)… so it could only go up from here, right?

    • JC

      Wooooo! What are your job hunting criteria?

      • Alyssa

        I’m looking for full-time PAID Marriage and Family Therapy internship positions where I can work with kids (and it’s sad how many orgs think they can get away with making Master’s level people work for free, just because we’re not licensed). I’ve been in schools for the past two years and wouldn’t mind sticking with it, but I want experience with a county or non-profit agency, so I can get more support (it’s HARD being the only one on campus with a mental health background!)

        Fiance is looking for jobs using his experience as a high school science teacher, but in a business realm. Education Organizations/Companies, Corporate Jobs — he’s pretty flexible, as long as someone is willing to give him a chance! He’s feeling like his teaching experience has pigeon-holed him and is really worried that no one will give him a chance to get business experience, so I’ve got my fingers crossed tight that something will come through for him.

        • Alex K

          I used to teach science and have since switched to a clinical research role with a company. Something I think worked well for me was give examples of how translatable some of the softer skills associated with teaching are. For example, in a classroom you need to get a bunch of diverse people/personalities on board with a goal (generally to you know learn whatever your teaching that day). I use this all the time in my corporate job to get people on board with what needs to get done.

          • Alyssa

            Yeah, I’ve been working on that with him (I’ve been editing his resumes for him, etc.) He’s been changing language around and working on getting more concise with his descriptions, but it’s been a challenge nonetheless. At least he’s getting calls back now! There’s one potential interview coming down the pipeline that we’re hopeful for (the phone screening went great apparently), but we’ll just have to see how it goes…

  • Lexipedia

    I’M GETTING ENGAGED TOMORROW!!!!!

    Well, I’m 99.9999% sure. SO has been teasing me about getting my ring soon, I know it’s ready because he showed it to all his coworkers, he planned “special, surprise plans” for tomorrow evening, and he confirmed I’ll be getting it before we go on a trip (where bringing a ring wouldn’t be a good idea) on Tuesday. I’m leaving work for a manicure at 5:30.

    Also, we are leaving for Vietnam and Thailand for 3 WEEKS on Tuesday! No ring will be coming with us, because active traveling + not the safest place to wear expensive jewelry + the fact that we can’t insure it until Wednesday means an empty finger. But I’m sooooooo excited about our trip!

    • Ashlah

      If I were you, I’d get a cheap placeholder ring for the trip, just because it’d make me sad to have a naked finger right after engagement :)

      And pre-congratulations!! Have a blast on your trip!

      • Alex K

        I totally wear a cheap placeholder ring when I travel to places expensive jewelry it not recommended (Thailand, Colombia, etc). I feel naked without my rings and particularly right after my engagement I spent a lot of time looking at my left hand and I didn’t want to look down and see an empty finger :)

        • flashphase

          Or maybe buy one on your trip – a fun and sweet memento!

          • Lexipedia

            Ooh! Good idea! If I see something I will totally switch it out.

          • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

            Excellent idea!

          • Mer

            We did this! We got engaged on a 7 week trip to Vietnam, Thailand and Indonesia and went shopping in Hoi An for a ring. It’s probably fake as fake can be but I don’t care because of what it represents!

        • Lexipedia

          I actually have one that looks like a little bow that I got as a bridesmaid gift, so I feel like it is sort of “marking the finger” – totally agreed, I’ll look at my hand too much to wear nothing. Also, I will totally take a bunch of pictures. :)

      • Lexipedia

        I have a cute silver one in my jewelry box that is the right size, so I’ll definitely wear that one. I know, for about five minutes I was thinking maybe I should just wear it, but I know that would be a terrible idea.

      • Cosign! When I went on my second honeymoon, I used that week to get my rings soldered. I bought a cheap ring from Kohl’s & wore that on my honeymoon & no one was the wiser.

        Enjoy your trip! Vietnam & Thailand are on our list, I’d love to hear your thoughts in a future HH.

    • sofar

      Good on you for NOT bringing the real ring with you. I got so much shit from everyone for not bringing my real rings to “show off” in our post-wedding family trip to India. I wore an Enso ring instead. And GUESS WHAT?? I lost it at the beach. After that, in-laws were like, “Wow maybe you were right not to bring your real ring.”

      Advance CONGRATS and have an amazing trip. I’m an advocate of taking a trip far, far away right after getting engaged so you can decompress without everyone being all over you like, “OMG SO HAVE YOU PICKED A DATE???”

    • theteenygirl

      Yay!! BTW i spent two months in SEA the summer before last, 10 days of which were in Thailand and 20 days in Vietnam. You are going to have the BEST time. Vietnam was my favourite, and probably my favourite country ever to visit. Have lots of fun :)

      • Lexipedia

        I’m so excited about Vietnam! I lived in Thailand for 6 months a few years ago on a government foreign service contract, and I didn’t make it to Vietnam at all. So, two weeks in North/Central Vietnam and one in Thailand hitting up some favourite places and then finishing up on a beach.

        • theteenygirl

          Sounds like the perfect trip. Are you spending Thai New Year in Chiang Mai?? I have a bunch of friends who celebrated it and I heard it is SO MUCH FUN!

          • Lexipedia

            Alas, we have to come home 5 days before Songkran. I did it last time I was there, but I would love SO to have had the chance to do it too.

        • Katy

          Oooh I’m so envious! We did that last year and after spending the last month reminiscing we’re going again next year! I’d really recommend a day in Hue – the Imperial palace is a good visit and the train ride from Da Nang is seriously beautiful (only make sure you get an air conditioned carriage if you decide to do that.)

      • nutbrownrose

        I was soooo cunfused what Seattle had to do with this (airport code SEA) until I figured out you meant south-east asia. But I’m the weirdo in the corner who has way too many airport codes memorized (Fun fact: All canadian airport codes start with a Y. Reasons unknown).

        • theteenygirl

          Haha! I know a lot of them as well. Do you know the Rush song YYZ? The beat of that song is actually morse code for YYZ – the Toronto airport (Pearson).

          • nutbrownrose

            um, that’s amazing. Must tell airport humans in my life.

    • Kat

      Congrats! and +1 for knowing a ring is coming and being able to get a manicure. Having my nails done is my one big self-care budget line item and it would bum me out to get engaged without “pretty” nails. I know that’s kind of dumb and vain but it’s something I enjoy and makes me feel more like a put together human.

      Have a great trip!

      • Anna

        I have a similar issue with lipstick – wearing really intensely colored lipstick is something I enjoy and makes me feel more like a put together human (as you put it), especially in dressy scenarios, but I haven’t yet found a lipstick or a sealant that I trust to stay on while I romantically make out with my fiance-just-turned-husband on our wedding day… but I’ll be really bummed if I have to stick to pale or no lipstick to avoid getting it all over him. I don’t think it’s a dumb reaction (vain, maybe? But doing things because you enjoy them isn’t a bad thing, and it doesn’t become a bad thing just because it has to do with your appearance).

        ETA: If anyone has lipstick or lipstick sealant recommendations for long-wearing and no transfer, would love to hear them xD

        • MrsRalphWaldo

          I have no idea what brand it was, but I had very dark red lipstick on my wedding day and it stayed put all day through all sorts of activities. I think my makeup artist called it a stain? Don’t give up hope, it exists!

          • Anna

            Yeah, I’ve heard other people recommend lip stains. I don’t know what makes something a lip stain as opposed to lipstick – I’ve tried at least one thing that called itself a “lip stain” but did not stay on any better than regular lipstick. Definitely something to look for, though, thanks!

          • Violet

            When I bought a really RED lipstick, the MAC girl actually told me to use the pencil on my entire lips (not just the perimeter) to stain them before applying the lipstick. The pencil kind of stains your lips, but it doesn’t come off very easily. That way when a bit of lipstick rubs off, it’s not as dramatically bad looking before you can get to re-applying. Maybe for walk down the aisle just start with the pencil, then after major smooching (or prior to posed photos, if you’re doing those) apply the glam lipstick.

          • MrsRalphWaldo

            I use this trick for my everyday lipstick! My coworkers always marvel that I never have to reapply! But the top coat does transfer at the beginning of the day.

          • quiet000001

            I’d do a stain (there are ones that do actually properly sink in and ‘stain’ the lips, you want one of those, not a glorified gloss) and give that time to soak in and ‘set’, then pencil, then lipstick. Plus use the lipstick-powder-lipstick trick to help set the lipstick if you use a normal not long-wear one. That should get good staying power and between the stain and the pencil underneath, if it does wear off at all between chances to check on it and touch up (like I’d check before doing nice photos, that kind of thing) it won’t be too obvious.

        • Alex K

          One of my friends really loves bright lipstick and had the same wedding concern. She went to Sephora and tried on basically all of the lipsticks and kissed her fiance in each one so she could see what works. I wish I could have seen this since it sounds so funny, but she said the sales associates were super amused and very helpful. Not sure what brand she chose but it was gorgeous (and not on her husband during the wedding).

          • zana

            You could probably, also, like…kiss your own arm instead of your fiance. It’s less cute, though, lol.

          • Anna

            For a second I thought you meant at my wedding rather than while testing lipsticks and I was like… no, kissing the person I just married is non-negotiable! But that’s actually a good suggestion xD

            The only problem is that my lips get really unhappy if I try on and then take off more than 3-4 lipsticks in a row, so I’m trying to narrow it down to ones that have worked for other people before I go to actually try things on.

          • zana

            You could take a friend or two, too. And then you can all stand in the store kissing your arms like weirdos! Together!

          • Anna

            Bahahaha definitely. I actually have a friend or two who I suspect would be happy to walk through Sephora kissing their arms like weirdos with me – this is a great idea xD

          • Anna

            Unfortunately fiance would not be down for that experiment haha. He normally won’t kiss me when I’m wearing lipstick (I mostly wear it to work and take it off when I get home) because he really dislikes it when it ends up on his face.

        • Lexipedia

          I’ve found that the Kat Von D stuff in the tube actually sticks pretty well. I guess this is just an excuse for you to buy a bunch of new things and have some makeup sessions! ;)

          • Shawna

            I wore Kat von D red lipstick and while it stuck during all my tests, during the actual wedding day his lips turned red. It was funny and cute and has been edited out of the photos where it was particularly noticeable, but nothing was going to stop us from kissing! Probably had something to do with the fact that our food was a bit oily (Indian food, what you gonna do?) and it was very hot (skin oils are a real thing). No regrets!

          • Lexipedia

            Oh no! Scratch my recommendation then!! I’m sure it was adorable, and I wish I could have Indian food at my wedding. ❤

          • Shawna

            Well, I’ve worn it again on date nights and he still kisses me (and it tends to stay put). I would just say be realistic. If anyone out there can prove me wrong, I welcome it, but I’d say on a hot sweaty summer day and when eating oily food, you just can’t expect your red lipstick (any kind!) to look magazine worthy and behave like a tattoo all day long. And that’s ok! Sometimes a girl’s just gotta wear red lipstick and it is all totally worth it.

        • Lisa

          I swear by this two-part covergirl outlast lip stain. The first part stains your lips but dries really fast and totally matte, and the second part is a clear gloss (you can also use whatever chapstick you have on-hand). It doesn’t come off for hours and hours, there is no color transfer whatsoever, and it’s really affordable.

          https://www.amazon.com/COVERGIRL-Outlast-All-Day-Moisturizing-Color/dp/B00J2AP8P6/ref=sr_1_6_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1489780308&sr=8-6&keywords=covergirl%2Blip%2Bstain&th=1

          • Anna

            Oooh, awesome, thanks for the recommendation! Does the matte first part last and not transfer on its own, or do you need to put something over it to get the staying effect? I’m usually more of a matte lipstick kind of person.

          • Lisa

            That’s a good question. I always wear it with the gloss or with whatever lip balm I have with me, but it seems to last for a long time if I don’t reapply the gloss. I haven’t tested its staying power without the gloss. Maybe I can experiment this weekend and get back to you!

        • CrisC_DC

          Sephora carries these amazing lip pencils and crayons from Bite Beauty. They have staying power, are kiss-proof and feel pretty great on. The lip mask in smashed is my new favourite thing! http://www.sephora.com/bite-beauty?products=all

      • Lexipedia

        Do you do gel? Or acrylic? I’m not one of those magic people who can keep a regular manicure nice more than a day or two, so I go for shellac or OPI gel. The latest (hopefully engagement nails) is a shimmery light pink called “Princesses Rule!”

        • Kat

          Acrylic! I bite my nails pretty badly when they’re not acrylic, and I chip off the color too. I’ve done gel polish as well and it’s awesome how long they look good. I’ve got shimmery light pink on right now too!

    • Lexipedia

      I’m officially a fiancée! I’ll update in the next HH after I’m back from our trip. Thank you all for your great advice!

      • Amy March

        Was just checking back to confirm! Congrats!

      • LadyJanee

        Congratulations!!!

  • honeycomehome

    Hello all! I have a question for Maddie and all the APW pregnant ladies and mamas and parents: Where do I go for good message boards or threads on pregnancy/parenthood? I’m having trouble finding sane/feminist spaces. I’m about 11 weeks, now, and I want to find the APW-type cohort. Where are you all hanging out (besides happy hour)?

    • Trinity

      I haven’t found such a space. : Following in case others have!

    • MrsRalphWaldo

      Disclaimer: I’m not a mom or expecting.

      I know that TheKnot has a sister site called TheBump, but since TheKnot is very pro WIC, so I don’t know how great the sister site is. But maybe it’s a start?

    • Ashlah

      The BabyBumps subreddit and the individual due-date-month subreddits (e.g. r/AugustBumpers2017) are pretty good. Not 100% feminist-leaning 100% of the time, more general population, but generally pretty smart, thoughtful ladies on the progressive end of things. Not a total cesspool like other sections of Reddit, I promise.

    • Lawyer_Chef

      So there’s a website called CorporetteMoms, which spun off Corporette (a site that mostly focuses on fashion for working women in attorney/consultant/corporate type jobs). The moms site is very welcoming, and it’s a good place for questions about pumping in the workplace, car seats, sleep training, which daycare should I choose, etc. It’s not quite the same cohort as APW, but I’ve found it to be helpful and friendly.

    • Maddie Eisenhart

      My best luck has come from feminist friends who recently had kids inviting me to local FB groups. I think FB is where all the new moms chill together.

      • So when are you going to invite me into the FB groups Maddie????

    • I haven’t found anything as good as APW, though I suspect The Compact will be that for us when it launches. So far I’ve just been in FB groups which have been decent.

    • Jenny

      The private facebook page for onebadmother is a good one. I also second the subreddit suggestions. I’d also do some facebook googling for a local parent board. Our local ones are great for practical stuff, like where are the best parks, or dear god is this rash on my kid ever going away, or how does the magnet school lottery work. Any also since it’s local, there seems to be way less judgey assholes than just on the internet (happy to add you to the Durham Parent Posse, if you are in the Triangle area of NC.

      ETA: I mostly mean that I find local groups much more useful for parent stuff, than I would for professional stuff/wedding stuff.

    • anonyqueer

      It’s only for queer parents (self defined), but there’s an amazing group called Queer Mamas* on facebook that I reccomend, that has a lot of connections to other queer local parent groups. Sharing here in case you (or other parents) are queer.

    • Ilora

      The only place I’ve found that I love is a secret Facebook group with a bunch of women from another website I follow. If there was an APW FB group I’d join in a heartbeat!

  • LadyMe

    I lost my rings, and now after 2 weeks I’m starting to realize that they might not turn up in some dumb spot and they might actually be gone for good. Which is heartbreaking because I had a ring from each of my grandmothers who have passed away. There’s no way to replace things that sentimental. Hope rest of y’all are having better weeks.

    • Jessica

      That really sucks, I’m so sorry.

    • Ashlah

      Oh, that’s terrible. I hope they do turn up somehow, but damn. I’m sorry.

    • Violet

      Oh no, I’m so sorry. : (

    • sofar

      I’m so sorry. What a heartbreaking helpless feeling that has to be. I try not to get sentimental about things but, wedding rings (especially heirloom ones) are beyond just “things.”:(

    • Vanessa

      Oh no, I’m sorry.

    • EF

      i just want to tell you a funny story that maybe gives you hope.

      a couple decades ago, my mother in law lost her wedding ring. she thought it was whilst gardening, but they dug and dug and did not find it. she reported it lost to the insurance company and got a new ring.

      however some months later, as they harvested carrots – there it was! a carrot had grown right through the ring.

      sometimes things do turn up!

      • LadyMe

        That is an excellent story

        My one grandmother was a hardcore believer in St. Anthony (Tony, Tony, come around; something’s lost and must be found) so I still have some hope that he’ll do me a solid and they’ll turn up, but it’s hard to counteract that sinking feeling that just increases every day that they’re lost

      • Knonymous

        And for a little more hope, I’ll chime in with a friend who lost a ring in our yard one summer/fall when we were kids. The next spring – after leaves and raking and snow and everything had come and gone – she was visiting again and we found it right in the grass where it had fallen off.

        (Also, check all your pockets. I briefly lost my ring a few months ago – I’d laid it on the bed and said to my husband, “Be careful, my rings are on the bed.” Walked out of the room to wash my hands, came back to put the rings back on, and one was gone. He had not been careful. We tore the room apart and couldn’t figure out where it could have possibly gone, and then he eventually found it in his pants pocket. He had pulled his pants across the bed before putting them on at just the right angle to scoop my engagement ring up with his pocket without realizing it.)

    • ManderGimlet

      Omg I’m so sorry, just hearing this made my stomach drop, it’s a terrible feeling to lose something so precious.

    • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

      Well, shit. :(

    • Cellistec

      Oh, I’m so sorry. That IS heartbreaking.

    • Katherine

      I’m so sorry. Hope your weekend helps things improve.

  • Ashlah

    So excited for you Maddie! I hope the last few weeks of pregnancy are uneventful in the best way, and that your birth experience is as pleasant as it can be. And I love hearing about how you feel pregnancy has changed you. I hope you continue to write about whether the changes hold through parenthood! How parenthood might change me (for the better, I anticipate/hope) is something I think about a lot.

    In my own pregnancy news: Heard the heartbeat yesterday (he’s still there!), but haven’t felt him yet, bought him some cute clothes for the first time (dino hoodie and space onesies!), failed at maternity clothes shopping (apparently no one carries much in-store these days), and I’m pretty sure we’ve found our daycare!

    • Jessica

      DINO HOODIE! HEARTBEATS!

      That’s awesome!

      Also, Target has cute maternity clothes. I, a non-pregnant person, have definitely tried them on and perhaps purchased them.

      • Ashlah

        Our local Target had three small racks of maternity clothes, and no work pants (which is what I need right now). But I’ve heard a lot of good stuff about their maternity clothes, so I’ll probably buy some stuff online to try out!

        • a few

          our local targets also sucked for maternity clothes – it was such a let down cause that is where everyone says is good, but 3 racks of maternity and 3 racks of plus sized is not a good selection!

        • Jessica

          I find it baffling how different all of the Targets are. Living in the Land of 10,000 Targets (Minneapolis has Target headquarters) they are always pretty much fully stocked with all of the things.

          • Ashlah

            We do have another Target nearby, I wonder if it’d have a larger maternity selection. It is weird how different they all are!

      • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

        Seconding DINO HOODIE! Perhaps my biggest regret on the not-having-kids front is not being able to totally deck out a dino-themed nursery.

      • Ilora

        I have two maternity dresses from Target that I bought pre-pregnancy and have worn lots (back when we still had Target in Canada…) But then when I actually got pregnant I was due in the winter so I never wore them during pregnancy!

    • Trinity

      For maternity clothes: You might check out ASOS (online). It’s easy to get free shipping and returns, and I’ve LIVED in their maternity jeans the last few months.

      • Ashlah

        Thanks! If I can’t try on in-store, free return shipping is the next best thing!

        • Maddie Eisenhart

          Seconding ASOS maternity. Target was great for jeans, motherhood for other pants (especially if you need work-appropriate stuff), but ASOS had all the cute shit and their sales can’t be beat.

          • Ashlah

            Thank you! I think we have a local Motherhood store, so I’ll check that out this weekend for work pants, then hit up ASOS for tops and dresses and fun stuff.

    • Laura C

      I had great luck with Gap maternity clothes (including a dress I got for like $20 that multiple midwives complimented when I wore it to appointments). Though their nursing clothes were wretched, and the one maternity item that really didn’t work for me was the full-panel jeans. They were in theory the same design as the demi-panel jeans, but something about the fit was just off. The demi-panel jeans were great, though. To be perfectly honest, I still wear those things for running errands and stuff.

    • erika22

      H&M has maternity clothes! Macys also has a decent maternity selection (and a great return policy if your closest store doesn’t have much on hand). And +10000 to ASOS’s maternity section

      • Ashlah

        I’m realizing I went to the wrong mall yesterday! I struck out there, but every other store people are recommending (Macy’s, The Gap, Motherhood, H&M) are at our other mall. Definitely fitting in a trip this weekend!

      • rg223

        Yesssss loved ASOS stuff! Reasonably priced and trendy. I remember it being pretty easy to return stuff too.

    • Yay for finding a daycare! That is such a hurdle.

      Also I had really good luck with Motherhood/Destination Maternity, as well as Target.

      • Knonymous

        Agreed on Destination Maternity. I found that the places that were actually devoted to maternity clothes had the nicest styles.

  • Jenny

    I had very similar feelings about pregnancy and have found the chill vibe has continued through parenting (minus the semi-constant state of freaking out about Sids, which subsided around 6 months and when we got a video monitor). Happy soon to be birth day to you!

  • driftless

    It has been a week. After 5 days of feeling like I was hit by a bus but not wanting to be dramatic, I went to the doctor on Tuesday and got a positive strep test. And started antibiotics that night. The doc said that my symptoms should go away “pretty quickly”, and, well, I should have asked him to define that, because I still feel horrible (maybe even a little worse). Our puppy got neutered on Tuesday, and the vet clinic staff weren’t watching him right after so of course he picked at the stitches so now is wearing a cone (and has figured out how to poke at the stitches with the cone. whoops!). Anyway. My husband is being awesome and patient with both of us, but I’m just done with the week and with strep throat. I have 30 exams to grade by next Tuesday, too, which I’ve been putting off because of feeling horrible. So. I think I need to buy some more ice cream and figure out a way to be productive this weekend, even while miserable.

    Sorry for being crabby, but thanks.

    • MrsRalphWaldo

      My dog had to get a fabric cone because she kept pulling the plastic one off over her head. Maybe that would help with the stitch-picking?

      • driftless

        Ooh, thank you for the suggestion!

    • Jessica

      Can you put a t-shirt on the dog?

      Also, fully support the ice cream idea. Good luck!

      • driftless

        A t-shirt? Another thing that totally hadn’t occurred to me. Good idea!

        • Lexipedia

          Yes! I don’t know how big your puppy is, but when we had a similar problem we put a kids t-shirt on him and cut the back in half vertically and then made horizontal strips. Then we could tie it up over his back as tight as we needed to get it to fit so he couldn’t get at the stitches – sort of like an 80s t-shirt for the puppy!

      • Eve

        My cousin’s dog had surgery on her hip and she ended up wearing a skirt. Wouldn’t leave the stitches alone otherwise.

    • Sara

      This might be weird, but my friend’s vet recommended putting child sized underwear on the dog so it couldn’t get at its stitches. He looked ridiculous.

      • driftless

        This made me laugh SO hard. I really appreciate it. Both as a helpful idea, and as a way to laugh.

      • Violet

        Did they cut a little hole for the tail? I’m cracking up over here.

        • Sara

          lol I don’t remember, they must have! He is a beagle so he was relentless.

    • Violet

      Do you have any playlists of songs that pump you up? Because playing those while grading might help you power through.

      • driftless

        You’re awesome. I felt silly posting on here, but I am so appreciative of ideas like this- thank you!

    • Maddie Eisenhart

      Strep is the literal worst. If you don’t feel better within a day or two, it might be worth bothering your doc again. Those antibiotics are supposed to kick in FAST. Make sure it’s not actually getting worse. (I had strep a fuck ton as a kid.)

      • Alex K

        Second this. Occasionally you can get an antibiotic that does not work for the strain of bacteria you have…so it only gets worse.

        • Maddie Eisenhart

          And strep is not a thing you wan to wait around for it to get worse.

      • driftless

        Thanks for this. I just called and left a message for the doctor. (And also, thanks for affirming how crappy strep is. I shouldn’t need that, but I think I did need it.)

        • Trinity

          Oh, it is the worst! I missed my senior prom because I had strep. :(

        • Maddie Eisenhart

          The last time I had strep, which was ages ago in college, I had a fever of 102 for five days and couldn’t keep anything down, PLUS it felt like I was swallowing glass. Strep don’t play.

          • Totch

            I had strep a lot as a kid too, and the last time I got it was THE DAY I MOVED INTO MY FRESHMAN DORM. I was between 102 and 104 for 4 days, missed all my orientations (including the fun boozy ones because Canada), and it started a cute running joke that I was imaginary and my roommate was just pretending I existed so she could have a single room.

            It’s been almost a decade and I still panic anytime my throat is sore.

    • Strep is the worst as an adult, I hope you feel better soon!

  • Engaged Chicago

    I was going through my stepsisters wedding catering/ hotel invoices for help comparing costs for comparable services. I had always heard their wedding was so expensive (some elements, like flowers and 300 guests added to this) from my parents (all parents split the cost of the wedding) but I noticed that her per head rate was about what I was getting quoted! She got slammed with extra fees, extra labor costs, expensive rentals. Now I’m trying to be careful with asking potential vendors what is and is not included so we can plan accordingly. Good lesson.

    • sofar

      Yes, those fees make it hard to compare. Some vendors have a low per-head cost, but tack on fees for dishes. Some include everything BUT clean-up in the per-head cost. I made a very detailed spreadsheet about ALL THE FEES so I could compare apples to apples. And I STILL got blind-sided by the extra charge for linens. Linens on the guest tables were included, but linens on the cocktail tables, buffet tables and “other” tables was certainly not and I was like, “Wait what’s this extra $300 charge oh whatever fuckit just take my money.”

      • flashphase

        Yup oh and even if a 20% tip for caterer isn’t included, you’ll end up tipping 20% so include it in your budget!

        • sofar

          Yep! We ended up tipping each staffer individually because a 20 percent tip would have been more than $5k (and more than $500 per staffer). But, yes, tipping is very important to budget in.

      • emmers

        We got hit with an extra $200 audio setup fee (a service that they had sworn was included), that still makes me ragey. Ahh, weddings.

      • zana

        AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
        I mean, I’m sorry about the auxiliary table linens fee, but man, that’s so shitty it’s funny.

      • Engaged Chicago

        Omgggg 🙈🙈

    • Katharine Parker

      Yes, this is so important. Setup, takedown, cleaning, delivery, tableware, linens, servers, bartenders, service fees, mileage fees, weekend fees–there are so many places they can slip in more costs! You really want not just a menu or a pricing list, but a detailed quote from everyone with every cost laid out and any potential changes made explicit. (E.g. “We expect to deliver on Friday. If the venue says we have to deliver on Thursday, cost will be X.”)

      • Engaged Chicago

        Totally. That list just gave me anxiety haha but this shit is important..Thanks for the tips!

  • Eve

    So, since pregnancy is going to be the theme of this happy hour, I’d so very much appreciate some advice on how to be helpful for a friend who’s pregnant. She’s about ten weeks, still suffering major morning sickness, and is really freaking out about currently being on the opposite side of the country from all her family and friends. On the plus side she and her husband are moving back to this coast this summer, but that’s all tied up in her husband finding a job that starts at the right time and all that bs, so is still a major stress point for her. I talked to her for the first time in a while yesterday and sent her some ginger chews from Amazon, and I’m going to make her a baby quilt and told her that, but is there anything else (besides being a listening ear and all that) that you’d recommend doing/sending/saying? Thanks all!

    • sofar

      Ask her to pick any night in the coming week and have take-out delivered to her via Grub Hub (so you take care of the meal and tip and all she has to do is answer the door).

      It’s a good substitute for when you can’t cook dinner and deliver it to her.

      • ManderGimlet

        This is such a great idea for all sorts of occasions, thanks for sharing!

      • Rebekah

        That’s actually my go-to “Congrats! You had a baby!” gift to friends who live far from me. I ask them to pick a day and an order and I call it in.

    • flashphase

      A friend recently said that a gift certificate for grocery delivery was easily the best baby/pregnancy gift they got

    • Jenny

      So my advice to all people suffering from nausea during pregnancy is to talk to their health care provider, asap. I suffered through it for 14 weeks before finally bringing it up with my midwife because I just thought it was par for the course with pregnancy, but it was really distracting and I was unable to be as productive at work (and writing my dissertation), so I brought it up, thinking they might have some good remedies and I got a great prescription that I didn’t even know existed. If you can send a housekeeper/food/blue apron type thing, that would probably be helpful, especially since I was just so tired during the first trimester.

    • K.

      Major morning sickness is tough because there’s often not much food that can be easily sent because eating can be so, so hard and there can be food aversions galore. Basically, anything healthy could go to hell and I subsided on Kraft mac and cheese…when I could even keep that down.

      What honestly would have helped me the most when I was in the throes of it someone to take my dogs on their walks when my husband wasn’t around or have someone do the dishes/laundry! In lieu of that, I always appreciated when someone reminded me that it was OKAY for me to sleep/rest/eat nothing but simple carbs and that I was doing what was best for myself and my unborn baby. But I’m usually pretty type A, so it was hard for me to let the dishes sit for a day or stay in PJs all Saturday without feeling like a failure. I needed the reassurance that it was okay to let go and that people weren’t judging me.

      • Eve

        Yeah, I’m really hesitant to send actual food until her morning sickness gets better, because she told me she’s basically subsisting on mashed potatoes, rice, and crackers, and it’s a good day if she only feels nauseous and doesn’t vomit. She said she finally found some gummy vitamins she can keep down, but even with only eating that she still had to quit her job (that she was planning on quitting anyway because of the impending move) earlier than planned because she was calling in sick so much. But I’ll definitely remind her that hanging out on the couch is okay, and look into sending food when she’s farther along or has a babe in arms.

  • Katie

    Hi APW people! About to read the comments (when I get to work, haha) but now I’m just ask if anyone else this week had a “omg I have NOTHING to wear” feeling? Is it spring? I’m detoxing my wardrobe, taking clothes to Buffalo Exchange and donating it. I’m down to 7 bottoms, 8 tops and 8 dresses (half of which I still don’t wear on the reg). I’m adding A LOT of new stuff to my ASOS favorites which would cost me around $800 if I suddenly bought it all (which, obvs, I can’t afford). I’m coming up with a new style which is kinda boring but very functional – a mix of normcore and bright-ish business casual.

    Also, my husband was out of town for a ski trip and I was chilling by myself and my pup and it was the best. And finally, I got to reunite with my American friend (for those who don’t know, I’m an immigrant and all my long-term friends live somewhere else), and it was awesome!!! Wine, appetizers and good conversation was just what I needed.

    I hope everyone had a great week and is going to have a great weekend! And Maddie, congratulations and best of luck!

    • Violet

      What is this ASOS everyone is talking about? I own kind of a stupid-small amount of clothing (apartment living), so having nothing to wear has sort of become my uniform, as it were. I think it’s pretty common when the season changes to want a re-fresh!

      • Katie

        it’s an amazing clothes website, asos.com. You can browse all sorts of clothes (including petite, tall, curvy, maternity), filter what you need by size and color, etc. Best thing – you can return all items you didn’t like within 28 days! And they ship real fast, too (4 days).

        • Violet

          Oh, interesting; gonna have to check it out!

      • Katie

        Also, I feel you on the apt living – we live in a small rental (duplex), and our closet is TINY. We have to cram clothes back to back which makes them wrinkled :(

      • Maddie Eisenhart

        ASOS is where my dress in the pic above is from! They are AMAZING.

        • Violet

          Get OUT what a coincidence! So chic; I love it!

    • CMT

      I was just thinking this morning that I’m due for a wardrobe culling.

    • MrsRalphWaldo

      I’m in a really awkward place where I really want to lose weight, but I’ve been trying (and failing) for a long time so I kind of want to give up, but I don’t want to buy new clothes that won’t fit in a few months. As a woman with curves, it’s really hard to find clothes anyway, but right now it’s especially stressful. So I’ve been rotating the same 5ish tops and 3 pairs of pants for a while now.

      • Amy March

        I’m always more successful at taking good care of myself when I’m wearing clothes I like in the size I come in now. Live a little! At least buy a new top!

      • Me Too

        I’ve been guilty of the same behavior, and lived to regret it. First, I didn’t lose the weight this time like in the past. Think I have a thyroid issue. So now, I still need the clothes.

        Instead of buying clothes, I bought accessories and jewelry because they weren’t dependent on size. But now I am tired of half of them. Came to realize that attractive clothes are always going to make you look better than any jewelry or accessories.

        Lesson learned.

    • JC

      I’m feeling this way too. About a year ago I started my own version of a capsule wardrobe, so I have some bags of clothes tucked away that are ready to come out now that it’s starting to get warm. I know that not all of them are still going to fit/be loved, but I do know that there are a couple of dresses I haven’t seen in months that I’m ready to put on again. I also started StichFix back in November, and I’m a big fan. Every two months I get a box of new clothes, I pick one or two items, and I feel like I have new options. All this to say, I am a terrible shopper, which others may not be, and I’m trying to manage that.

    • Mer

      I did this a few years ago. I hate pants so I stopped wearing them- donated almost all of them + tops. Then I joined StitchFix and get new pieces every two month. Keep 1-2. Right now I own 8 dresses, 2 skirts, a few tops, 3 pairs of shorts and 2 cardigans. When it’s winter I pair the dresses with leggings, boots, cardigans and/ or scarf. In the summer it’s dress + flats and maybe a lighter scarf. Done and Done.

      I hate shopping. I especially hate clothes shopping. StitchFix has made it possible that I barely have to do any work and I can still add some new pieces every few months. Life changing for me. YMMV.

  • EF

    hey guys — looking for some advice re: recovering from a terrrrrible boss in a series of not good bosses.

    i start my new job 2 weeks from monday and am VERY excited. but, i got harshly fired from a job i was only 2 months into in january (it was very much a bad personality match, but boss said a lot of really cruel things to me, too). i was good at that job, though. and my new job is similar but in a better field, and intellectualy i know i should be fine, but i am so scared that every wrong move and tiny mistake, the sort that is normal in the first weeks of a new job, will be made into a giant thing. i just…i’ve truly lost my confidence and don’t know what to do.

    i’ve read a lot of posts on ask a manager about this, but would really love to hear first person accounts of what worked?

    finally — i’m going in to renew my visa next week. so will i actually be starting cool new job? will i get to stay in this country? we’ll see! this isn’t a stressful time at all, noooo.

    • stephanie

      HOOOO I have been in a very similar situation! I think something that has been helpful for me is CLEARLY articulating my boundaries and needs — first to myself, and then to my employer (in a way that works for your boss, obviously), and then making sure I am keeping them in mind and checking in with myself. It took me a while to really bounce back — and I still find myself reverting to that anxiety, years later, every so often. But definitely being able to check in with myself and to know that my boundaries and what works for me is fine (both personally and with my boss) was key. I’m not sure if you’ll be in a position to have that kind of conversation with your boss or not, but hopefully that kind of helps.

      • EF

        thanks, stephanie. i’m really hoping this works out well because my boss will either be american or canadian, but not british…so fewer communication difficulties! i also think it’s more likely i’ll eventually be able to have this convo. here’s hoping, anyway!

    • Lawyerette510

      Similar to what Stephanie said, I think the key is communication, with yourself and your boss. Talk to your boss early on about how they like to communicate, both when things are working well and when there’s room for improvement, and that you’re committed to it. You can also ask what the ramp-up time is in terms of expectations, learning things, etc, that can help you then feel confident that your normal learning snafus are indeed normal learning snafus.

      • EF

        hah, see, thought that i’d done that in my last job (‘so 6 months probation means what exactly?’) but then the boss completely changed his mind and said nope, need 100% from day one (man, that just wasn’t possible, i was writing models he didn’t have in place on day 1 though). hence the anxiety with a new workplace!

    • Kay

      Your new boss wants this to work just as much as you do! If you have questions, ask. If you have concerns, talk about them. You were chosen because you’re awesome and have the skills you need, and I imagine you also learnt a lot from that experience and have a better feel for the situations that didn’t feel right at your old job – so that this time you can deal with them sooner. Here’s hoping that you get the positive feedback you need in your first couple of weeks so that your confidence grows, but to start with, try making a list at the end of each day of all the things that wen’t right – “I learnt x really quickly,” “Y complimented my decision in this area,” “I felt great after talking with Z about a, b and c.” Focus on those, and possibly one or two “What I would do differently tomorrow” plans if you had moments where you lacked confidence, and you will be fine! Good luck.

      • EF

        making lists is totally my jam. thanks for the suggestion!

  • Vanessa

    Wedding Win: I booked our coordinator today!! And for a remarkably affordable price for the Denver area, yay!!

    Wedding Aggravations: Why does it take people so long to respond to emails?? #1: My MOH has sent out 2 emails asking my friends to RSVP for my bach party. We are trying to get a big airbnb/vrbo in Seattle in the summer (aka tourist season) and they are booking up quickly. My lovely dear MOH has a 7 month old baby and is doing her best, and I am just so aggravated at the number of friends who have not responded to her at ALL. I completely understand that a few friends may not be in a position to say yes or no right now, but they could at least let MOH know. #2 I emailed about a dozen caterers & food trucks a week ago, and have only heard back from 2 that are booked. I think it’s reasonable to hear back within a week, especially since it is not exactly peak season right now. So frustrating.

    • MrsRalphWaldo

      It was amazing to me how horrible people that were going to want thousands of dollars for me were at communicating. I’m sorry you’re having trouble!

    • Brynna

      Re: non-responsive parties – super, super annoying.

    • Alyssa

      Is there a way that you could reach out to the other bridesmaids and let them know that they need to respond/the urgency of booking a summer Seattle stay? They (might) be more responsive if you’re the one reaching out to them to push them along.

      I think if I were one of the non-responsive bridesmaids, it’d be a good wake up call to get a friendly but firm “hey, you need to respond to this, we need to book!” email from the bride.

      • Vanessa

        Yeah, they’re not bridesmaids but that’s my plan :)

        • Alyssa

          Oop! My mistake. But you get my drift :)

          • Vanessa

            No! No mistake at all, I didn’t add that part. I mostly just feel like I’m adding another task to my already-full MOH’s plate by asking her who I need to hassle, but I’m sure that’s mostly in my head.

          • Alyssa

            Might be. I hate having to hassle others, so I’m sure she’d probably feel relieved that you are taking over that part for her!

  • Totch

    Happy happy hour, chill pregnant sounds pretty great.

    A couple weeks ago I mentioned that I was running a table about women who design games at a board game convention and folks asked for info! So basically I had a handout, a 4pg list of women designers and their games, and like 10 woman-designed games that I could teach. I ended up teaching 8 different groups, and it was the busiest session the store I was with ran!!!

    If anyone wants the list, let me know. But if you’re looking for recs, I can give a few. A lot of the best known games by women are the more casual/family/abstract puzzle games, eg. Jenga, Bananagrams, Qwirkle, and Set. Some games you might already know have women designers, like Sherlock Holmes: Consulting Detective, Eldritch Horror, Thurn and Taxis, and arguably Dixit (the artist is a woman, and that game would be nothing without the art). My current favorites are Village (heavy-ish worker placement) and Lotus (lighter flower-building area control that’s similar to Smash Up but IMO better), both designed by husband-wife teams. Two others shout outs: Marrying Mr. Darcy is great for fans of the book, and one of those games that’s fun once you realize it’s intentionally brutal (courtship is hard, y’all). And I met the woman who did the art for a new game I love called Herbaceous – she was great and so is the game (lighter set building themed on herb gardens).

    Let me know if there are particular genres you’re wondering about, eg. I know of a few war games but haven’t payed them.

    • Anna

      Oh my god I LOVE Marrying Mr. Darcy. A friend brought it to a game night at one point and it was a huge hit. The gameplay is really well designed, the cards are funny, and there’s levels of strategy that you pick up over time.

      • Totch

        It’s great! The first time I played it hadn’t been taught to me very well, but once I learned it a bit better I realized that things that would be unfun in another game are great in this one. It’s equal-opportunity brutal. Last time I played, Lizzie received that fateful personality-changing letter, lost all her wit, and became kind and beautiful. It was hilarious.

    • Totch

      Also, on the wedding front, we’re two weeks away y’all! One advice request and one COOLEST THING EVER:

      Advice: My mom offered for me to wear her pearls, which my dad gave her when I was born, which is the best. But last week my MIL gifted me a set of pearls of hers, just like her mother did for her wedding, which is also a big deal and also wonderful. I know the obvious answer to this champagne problem is to wear one for the ceremony and one for the reception, but does anyone have a suggestion that doesn’t involve a costume change? One hope is that they’ll match well enough that I can wear pieces from both together. We’ll see.

      Cool thing: Just found the perfect way to honour our April Fool’s Day wedding date (picture). https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/796755e2c5921133e7dd577d05506251e2d898268bd5571881c1f7af8dedca97.jpg

      • Amy March

        Wear your MIL’s to the rehearsal dinner and your Mom’s to the wedding. If anyone (MIL) comments, tell her they are your something borrowed and start to cry at the thought of losing your good luck charm.

        • Totch

          Good idea to wear one to a different event! To the latter: there’s a lot of cultural significance/luck involved in MIL giving me jewelry (normally this is jewelry she’d give me during our tea ceremony but she did it early because she really wants me to wear it). Just another god damn cross-cultural wedding minefield, but much sparklier than normal.

          We knew she’d be giving me jewelry, but expected to get it on the wedding day so I’d be able to politely demure from putting it on right that moment!

      • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

        1) Can you wear both? Might work if they’re different lengths. Pearls on pearls on pearls on pearls.2) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

        • Totch

          I’ll add that to the “wear pieces from each!” option!! All depends on what my mom’s look like up close when she arrives. This is totally a more is more situation, right?

          And yes, those suckers are going in everyone’s welcome bags.

          • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

            When else in your life do you get to be completely decked out in pearls? You’re allowed to be overdressed to your own wedding.

      • Alynae

        I wore my grandma’s pearls wrapped twice around my wrist as a bracelet. And a friend wore a pair pinned into her hair as a headband sort of situation. You could wear one as a necklace and one as “other”.

        • Totch

          Bracelet is great!

    • Lawyerette510

      Oh we were looking at getting Village. Now it’s top of the to-buy-list!

    • Alli

      Are there any similar in play style to Settlers of Catan?

      • Totch

        There aren’t any I know of that are very similar, but some games have similar elements. What do you like best about settlers? The way the board changes? Building and expanding your area? Trading? The way the dice roll for resources adds a bit of luck? The soldier that can sort of help balance out when someone is dominating/give you a chance to be a bit mean? Anything else?

        I can try to recommend something with a similar mechanic.

        • Alli

          I’d say the building and expanding aspect. Also the fact that it occasionally sends me into a monopoly-esque board flipping rage.

          • Totch

            All great games have a board flipping rage component!

            The part you like can be referred to in a couple ways: road/network building (making a cool/ambitious network across the board) or area control (taking over more of the board than your opponents). On the list of games by women I’d recommend Thurn and Taxis for network building, and Santiago and Lotus for area control. There’s another network building game called Russian Rails that’s on my list to try!

            In general, Ticket to ride is classic network building and Small World is the best of Risk-like area control without the problem that Risk never ends. You might also enjoy a tile-laying game called Carcassonne. These are all really popular and usually gettable even without a board game store nearby. For slightly more board game nerd-y titles, I’d recommend Power Grid and Concordia.

            On the off-chance that that building the perfect pattern/path appeals to you, there are a lot of games where each player has their own board so you can focus more on personal goals vs. beating an opponent to a particular city or whatever. For those, Karuba is beautifully light and fun, Agricola was mentioned above, and Castles of Burgundy is point blank my favorite game.

            Sorry if that’s way too much info!

          • Alli

            This is amazingly helpful, thank you!

          • Natalie

            LOVE Castles of Burgundy. I love that I’ve got my own little fiefdom to build and control, that I can specialize on different things, that while you can interfere with others’ plans, you don’t do things JUST to be a dick (like in Settlers). Also, it plays equally well with 2, 3, or 4 players.

          • Totch

            Right. If what you love about Settlers is getting your roads and cities *just* right (rather than that moment where you smash someone’s hopes and dreams by cutting them off), games like Castles are soooo satisfying. There’s still a lot of interaction, but you’re playing on your own board so you have more control.

            Have you ever played Between Two Cities? It’s short, and a hilarious experience when you’re someone who’s precious about how you build your map. (It’s a tile laying game where you don’t have your own board. There’s a board to your left and to your right, and each turn you place a tile on both. And so does everyone else, meaning you are co-building 1 city with the player on your left, 1 with the player on your right, and they’re building with you and their other adjacent player.)

          • Natalie

            I have not played Between Two Cities. It sounds really enjoyable.

            The smashing others’ hopes and dreams is my least favorite aspect of Settlers (and especially Catan Cities and Knights…so much opportunity for cruelty there!). I just want everyone to be able to build their world and sure, let’s compete for who builds the best world, but can’t we all build ourselves up without tearing each other down in the process??? (Maybe my board game personality reflects my world view just a teensy bit too much)

      • the cupboard under the stairs

        Try Agricola! It’s a more advanced version of Settlers for sure, but it’s another one of those games where good planning and a long-term vision usually wins out over luck.

        • Totch

          Agricola is based in a popular mechanic called worker placement where the number of actions in your turn is based on how many pieces/workers you have available to grab an action. These usually involve a lot of resource collection and building/expansion that feeds into the long-term strategy Cupboard mentions.

          Agricola is an amazing game and absolutely one of the classics! But if you’ve never tried worker placement before, I’d recommend starting with Stone Age or Lords of Waterdeep. Stone Age is probably closest to the complexity of Catan.

          As for this list, Village is the worker placement I’d recommend!

          (But Cupboard, have you tried Caverna before?)

          • Natalie

            LOVE Caverna. Problem is I can’t find enough friends who either know Agricola or are willing to invest 2 hours learning to play.

          • Totch

            Yeah, I feel you there. We’ve had a good 4-player setup going for complex games for the last few years. Even so, each of us has a game we just don’t do. My best friend refuses to play Tzolkien, so I pretty much only get to play online! (Btw, if you don’t use Board Game Arena you might want to. If you do, let’s be friends).

          • Natalie

            I don’t use it, but now I’m going to!

          • Eenie

            I’m on bga! Weste0023. Add me and let’s play!

          • Eenie

            Love Stone age!

      • Natalie

        I *love* Agricola. Other games that I think are great are Tzolk’in, Tigris and Euphrates, Castles of Burgundy, and Caverna (a more complex version of Agricola, so play Agricola first). Like Settlers, they all involve building up your own X (farm, corn empire, kingdom, or dwarf cave). You do things to obtain things that let you build things to obtain more things to build more things… “get more shit games.”
        Things I love about these games relative to Settlers of Catan:
        1. No dice or less reliance upon dice = less chance, more strategy
        2. No matter how far ahead or behind you are in the game, each turn you can *do* things. Sometimes in Settlers you get so unlucky that you literally can’t do anything for many rounds. Worker placement games mean everyone gets to do stuff every turn.
        3. These all play for a set number of rounds or until all tiles/pieces are used up, so they don’t have the potential to go on and on forever like Risk or sometimes Settlers (especially if you’re playing Settlers: Cities and Knights, which I love, but can be never-ending).
        4. Some of these play really well 2-player (Castles & Tzolk’in especially), which Settlers does not.
        5. Caverna can be played with up to 7 or 8 players without buying expansions.

        • nutbrownrose

          My family is OBSESSED with Castles of Burgundy because it satisfies the desires of multiple people including my blood-thirsty strategy-focused fiance, my “play for fun, I don’t mind who wins” mom, and my brother and I, who routinely place 2nd/3rd. My latest goal is to beat the boys. But I’m glad to hear it plays out well 2 player, because I could envision a game in which I get strategied to death because he’s planned literally every move for the whole game.

          It’s a very strategy focused game, but it involves so much less getting backed into corners than Settlers since you’re all on your own board.

        • Eenie

          A seven player game of Caverna can take four hours – ask me how I know…

    • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

      My husband got me Village (which we haven’t played yet!) and Patchwork for Christmas. I need to seek out Herbaceous, stat. It sounds right up my alley!

      • Totch

        You’ll enjoy Herbaceous! There’s a nice bit of push-your-luck to it (there’s a common garden to pull plants from, so you want to let it grow in order to make more sets possible but take from it before someone else does).

        So Patchwork is maybe my #2 game of all time, and let me tell you: COTTAGE GARDEN. It’s also by Uwe Rosenberg, also about fitting irregular tiles on a grid, and also more a feminine theme than most games (which I like to support because even when designed by a man, games that seem girly sell less well). The main differences is that you’re trying to fill as many garden plots as possible rather than just one board, it limits which tiles you can choose in a more interesting way, and it goes up to 4 players. Also, it involves cats sleeping in sun patches. It’s only in print in Europe right now, so fewer North American retailers sell it (but there are online stores you can get it from), but it’s supposed to get a US print run this year!

        • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

          Oh my goodness, I need both of those. They both sound great!

          My husband is awesome and knows how much I love board games, but loathe being super competitive with them, so he’s bought me lots of collaborative ones. I’m in love with Forbidden Island.

    • rg223

      THANK YOU for recommending Marrying Mr. Darcy! My sister is obsessed with games, and my whole family is obsessed with Pride and Prejudice, so you just gave me the best idea for her next birthday present!

  • Sara

    I had a job interview about two weeks ago (actually two for the same position!) and never heard anything back from anyone at the company, which was a total bummer. But yesterday, the thank you card I wrote to the interviewer came back – I forgot to put postage on it! Ugh, felt so dumb. I know that’s why I didn’t get the job, but still!
    TGIF! I’m going to see Get Out tonight and I’m nervous because I don’t really like scary scary movies. Has anyone seen it? How scary is it? I’ve heard good things about it so I’ll still go, but I want to be prepared.

    • Violet

      Can you tell me how the movie goes? Because I want to see it too, but also am having the same issue around not liking scary movies.

      • Sara

        I will!

      • CMT

        I read this http://www.vulture.com/2017/03/horror-wimps-you-will-be-ok-watching-jordan-peele-get-out.html which says it’s okay for people who don’t like scary movies but then lots of my friends have said it scared the crap out of them, so I will probably skip it.

        • Violet

          Oy. I like PAJane’s idea of renting; that way I can be less “immersed,” which is what gets me in scary movies. And you know, watch with the lights on.

          • CMT

            I mostly stick to reading the plot summaries of scary movies on Wikipedia because I am a wimp.

          • louise danger

            /solidarity hiding-under-a-blanket high five

          • Alli

            I love scary movies but get really stressed out by certain scares. I’ve found that I can handle those movies by putting them on the tv and sitting as physically far away as I can. Like watch from another room if possible lol

          • Cellistec

            Ha! I once got through the scary movie “The Descent” by watching certain scenes in the reflection of a darkened window across the room. When I didn’t have my eyes closed, I mean.

          • Gaby

            I loved The Descent! It’s one of the few scary movies I remember from the past decade that I remember feeling like the story was worth the anxiety scary movies give me haha. I hate myself because I seem to always jump the most at a sudden bright light instead of a scary noise or something else that’s actually scary.

          • Cellistec

            I still have a touch of PTSD over the ending fakeout in The Descent. It’s really a cut above other scary movies, but I don’t think I could handle seeing it again.

          • Gaby

            Ohhh yeah, I am still always nervous behind any truck carrying logs or pipes and it’s been TWELVE years since that movie came out.

          • Violet

            I totally get this. I would also mute and read Closed Caption. Anything to separate me from it a bit more.

          • Sara

            That’s how I handle awkward moments on tv shows. Its a great strategy.

      • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

        I’m planning to watch it at home when it’s available, because I also am a scaredy movie watcher.

        • Sara

          I will say, the one reason I agreed to go is because I read a lot of articles that said is a great one to see in theatres and react together as a group. So if you rent it at home, watch with a friend :)

          • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

            Good to know!

      • Sara

        It was good! Way more suspenseful than scary. It’s more anticipation than fear really

        • Violet

          Oh yay! I’ll check it out tomorrow. (Matinee, though, just in case!)

    • DetectiveMunch

      Re: Get Out — I’m not into scary movies either, but this is more psychologically jarring. It has a good amount of funny moments in it, and only two or three “jumpy” surprise moments.

      • Sara

        Thanks! I like suspense thrillers, so I was hoping it was more like that. I just scream easily with the jump parts :)

    • Cellistec

      I don’t like horror movies either, but after reading a bunch of reviews, I was the one who asked my horror-movie-loving husband if we can see it tomorrow. Hope you enjoy it–I’ll be curious to hear what you think!

      • Sara

        It was good! More thriller than horror to me if that makes sense

    • Get Out is SO GOOD. Its not really scary/horror, it’s more suspense. There are some bloody scenes at the end but that’s it. Report back and tell us how you liked it.

      • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

        Are there jump scares?

        • I didn’t think there were. There’s some suspenseful music but I don’t remember jumping at anything. I didn’t even cover my eyes & I always cover my eyes at scary movies.

          • Sara

            That is the information I needed :)

        • Gaby

          There was one jump scare that got me in the entire movie but it is SO SO SO worth it. It’s definitely a movie that’s better in theaters because of the collective experience. I’ve considered going back a second time before it’s out of theaters.

      • Sara

        I enjoyed it, you were right, it wasn’t too too scary. A lot of anticipation but the lighter moments were sprinkled in well

    • Lisa

      I haven’t seen it yet, but I really want to. Just commenting because I read this interesting interview of interracial couples after watching Get Out together: http://nymag.com/thecut/2017/03/7-interracial-couples-on-seeing-get-out-together.html

    • Ashlah

      Reading through this thread reminded me how much I want to see it, so I just bought tickets for tomorrow!

  • sofar

    Continuing with the house-hunting slog tonight and tomorrow. May the luck of the Irish be with us. I tend not to get emotional about things, but this process has done me in.

    We are looking at three houses tonight that seem to be exactly what we want, but we’ve had our hearts shattered so many times thus far, that I have finally gone numb.

    As a control freak, it’s pretty frustrating being involved in a process that rests so much on LUCK. I got lucky in romance without much dating, so now I’m thinking this is how I must pay my karmic debt — falling in love, finding something deeply wrong beneath the surface, or having my love thrown back in my face when our offer is rejected.

    • flashphase

      House-hunting = emotional roller-coaster. It is just hard. Nothing to do but cede control to Elvis (via my friend who doesn’t believe in Jesus, but does believe in Elvis). From the in-contract phase I can tell you that EVERYTHING takes longer than you think, so do whatever you need to prepare for a long and often emotional process. HUGS.

      • sofar

        Thank you for all of this.

    • Kay

      Good luck! I know it doesn’t always help, but I try to go with the mantra of ‘what’s meant to happen will happen’ and that there is a reason for everything. We missed out on several homes during our search (and turned another down after our offer was accepted despite being SO tired of looking), and when we finally settled on our home it was definitely worth going through the process because we are really happy with where we are. So don’t lose hope – your home is waiting!

      • sofar

        Thank you for this.

        And kudos for turning down a place that wasn’t right. I know that, if our offer is ever accepted, we’ll be so excited and we need to remember that it’s still best to walk away if the home still isn’t right. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. But so glad you found the right place.

  • Lexipedia

    Separate advice question – how do you support a friend whose family aren’t thrilled about their engagement? I found out my cousin got engaged last week and her parents/our family reacted… not enthusiastically. They have been dating for a few years, and he is not well-liked. It’s not that he’s an awful person, but he hasn’t made a great impression on her loved ones (rude, inconsiderate, not attempting to engage with anyone, just generally miserable to be around). I know her parents didn’t say anything bad when she told them, but they definitely weren’t jumping for joy in the same way they did for her brother. I don’t like him either, but I want her to feel special and loved and like someone is excited. She doesn’t live close, but does anyone have ideas of what I can do to fill in that “support gap” for her?

    • Amy March

      Send her the APW wedding planner and champagne flavored gummi bears and a nail polish with a name like “bridal blush”?

      • MrsRalphWaldo

        There are champagne flavored gummy bears?

        • Amy March

          Yes! And rosé. Sugarfina are my faves.

          • Lexipedia

            Where do I get these??!

          • MrsRalphWaldo

            https://www.sugarfina.com/ I looked it up. There’s so many things I want to try now!

          • Lexipedia

            Ooh, then even have a setup for Canadian shipping! She is in Canada, and I’m in the U.S. so anything that makes it easy to ship directly to her without wrapping it myself is perfect.

    • Anna

      Not quite the same scenario, but my fiance got a brand new tattoo last weekend (as I mentioned he was going to last happy hour), and his mom was real unenthusiastic about it. He started freaking out that maybe this tattoo was a terrible idea, and I told him “look, you got it – after lots of thought – because it makes you happy. Your mom not liking it doesn’t change any of the reasons you decided to get this tattoo. She has a bunch of expectations about what’s best for you that are sometimes right and sometimes off, and her disapproval doesn’t negate adult decisions you’ve made with full consideration.” I also gushed plenty over how good it looks (because it does look awesome).

      Obviously your cousin’s engagement is to a person, not a tattoo, but I think the advice is still pretty applicable :-) Even if you don’t like the guy, you can still be visibly enthusiastic about her happiness, gush with her about how pretty her ring is (if she has one), buy her a celebratory drink…

    • Lawyerette510

      Demonstrating your happiness for her AND HIM. Send the APW books addressed to both of them and add in something special for her (I love Amy March’s idea of champagne gummi bears and nail polish). Include a note to both of them.

      Even if you don’t like him, the best way to make her feel special and loved is to show her that you aren’t just excited for her, but that you’re also accepting/ welcoming him.

      • Anna

        Good point. There’s a difference between “I like this guy and want to hang out with him all the time” and “I’m excited to welcome this person you love into our family”. Treating the partner as a member of the family is really important. (My mom, who mostly likes my fiance just fine, was getting miffed that he was sitting there and not helping to cook at Thanksgiving when as a part of the family he should be helping, until I pointed out that for any member of the family who wasn’t helping, she would ASK them to help and give them a specific task, rather than tiptoeing around them. A lightbulb clearly went off for her then – from that point on she actually started talking to him like part of the family, and they got along much better.)

    • Lexipedia

      Thank you all! It doesn’t quite help that I know all of our extended family will be thrilled for me when I get engaged (hopefully tomorrow) because they’ve been asking forever when it is going to happen. Whereas everyone has been sort of hoping they will break up. I feel a little guilty about the disparity…

      Is talking about planning stuff together a good idea? Or should I just focus on her (my plan, though maybe you think that the shared bonding experience thing would be good) and gush over everything?

      • Anna

        I mean, is she thinking about planning yet? Is she a planning-y person in general? If so, then sure, talking to her about planning stuff – especially if the focus is on her plans and the parts of planning she’s particularly into – could be a great way to express your enthusiasm about her engagement.

        • Lexipedia

          She is definitely a planning-y person, and they are planning a late-summer wedding whereas we aren’t thinking until spring which gives her the entire family “spotlight” in a way that will hopefully be good and fun.

          Second question, I was planning to ask her to be a bridesmaid but I know she will be busy and I don’t want to take any focus off her. Thoughts?

          • Anna

            Given that your wedding is going to be after hers (assuming I read that right? Like, spring 2018, not spring 2017 that starts in four days?), I don’t think you need to worry about taking the focus off her by asking her to be a bridesmaid. And if she’s too busy, she can say no – that’s not a reason not to ask. Bridesmaids also have wildly different roles in different weddings and so I don’t know exactly what this entails in your case, but regardless, given that she’s also getting married I assume she’s an adult and can make her own decision of how to respond when you ask :-)

          • Lexipedia

            Thank you! I really appreciate everyone’s advice. I’m definitely sending THEM the APW planner and something fun for her to enjoy. Y’all are so, so, so wonderful.

      • Ashlah

        Similar dynamic between my sister and I. My family was thrilled when I got engaged and thrilled when I announced my pregnancy. On the other hand, my sister got pregnant at 17 and later got engaged and married to the father, who no one likes. Our family (and I include myself here) weren’t 100% thrilled with those announcements and our enthusiasm was tempered, and I do feel bad that she didn’t get to experience the unrestrained joy of others that I got with my announcements. Especially when she has always been SO sweet and SO excited for me. I focused on helping her plan the wedding as my way of being supportive, but that’s mostly because I was ready/able to be excited about or gush over the marriage, so I’m not saying it’s necessarily the right choice (though I don’t think there’s any harm to come from helping with planning).

        • Lexipedia

          Thanks for the advice. I really, really want to be supportive and help fill in that family “gap” as much as I can.

  • Rose

    I have two campus visit interviews scheduled! After a long season of no responses for applications for permanent positions (which I knew were a stretch at the time), getting interviews for 2 out of 3 of the visiting positions I’ve applied for feels really good. So I’m super excited and also really nervous. I had a terrible time shopping for a suit this week, but I finally found something I liked pretty well (by throwing twice as much money at the problem as I’d hoped to, but it is a nice suit), and shoes with enough heel that I don’t have to re-hem my pants but that are still comfortable (I buy petite. they’re still too short). And I still have to make sample syllabi and my talk for the first visit, which is on Wednesday. I got about a week’s warning for that one, a little more for the other visit. It’s good news, but so much to do! Also, there’s this dissertation that I’m supposed to be writing.

    • zana

      Have you heard of POGIL? Most people’s teaching demos are lecture + a little discussion. You can stand out a bit with some think-pair-share or POGIL activities.

      Depending on your field, you could also get away with dress pants + blazer or a work dress + blazer. Sometimes, just getting a cheaper suit tailored does the job as well.

      I honestly don’t know how people dissertation-write and faculty-job-hunt at the same time! Good luck!!!!!!!

      • Rose

        I think the suit is probably not strictly necessary, but I’m short and young and sometimes still get mistaken for an undergrad, so I thought slightly more formal might not hurt.

        The first interview they don’t actually want a teaching demonstration, just a lecture about my research that’s aimed at an undergraduate audience. The next one does, but I haven’t started planning much for that. Definitely going to include some activities in it, though.

        • zana

          For the research talks aimed at undergrads, I spent the first ~10-15 minutes providing an introduction to my field. Motivating why it’s important, and even included a project from a student in one of my classes to illustrate sort of what a class in my field looks like. I based this approach off of another colleague’s successful job talk, so it seems like a pretty good option.

          • Rose

            Thanks! I have a bit of this, but I’ll increase it a little bit. They don’t have anyone there who does exactly what I do (obviously, or they wouldn’t be interviewing me), so an intro for the students is probably a good plan.

        • Totch

          Try wearing the suit a couple times before going, even if just around the house. Particularly when you’re wearing a suit because you’re short/look young, if you’re not comfortable it can backfire. It’s way easy for a new-to-you look to add to the stress or make you feel like you’re a kid dressing up in your mom’s clothes!

          Congrats and good luck with everything.

    • Natalie

      Good luck! Campus interviews are nerve-wracking, but they can be fun, too.

  • Sosuli

    I got awarded a fellowship at the British Library! Six weeks in London coming up this summer. It seems like a small thing, but job rejections were really getting me down so I am suuuuper happy about this. It is a pretty prestigious fellowship and I get to actually focus on research for six whole weeks!

    In other news, my MIL continues to drive my slightly crazy. (For those of you who remember, this is the lady of the multiple-white-dresses-for-her-son’s-wedding fame) My mom was visiting for a few days and we met up for lunch, and MIL proceeded to go on at her about how awful her sister’s divorce is – totally ignoring the fact that my mother is also fairly recently divorced and does not want to talk about divorce. Then last weekend husband and I went to celebrate MIL’s birthday and she had an (admittedly wine and cocktails infused) rant at me about how as the mother of a son she can’t get as involved in our lives as she’d like to. Like… what? She’s gives us a lot more opinions and asks a lot more questions than my mother does. I just didn’t know what to say to that, so I just said I had no idea what she was talking about and left it at that. She’s also been making a lot of comments about how much she wishes she’d had a daughter. I have no idea what to make of this. Thoughts anyone?

    • Eh

      My MIL also feels left out because she is a mother of sons, yet they are way more in our business than my dad (my mom passed away, but I still doubt my mother would have told me how to spend/no spend my money on a regular basis). My MIL always wanted daughters and then got to strong willed DILs (and four granddaughters – no grandsons).

      • Sosuli

        I sometimes think of your posts on Happy Hour when I’m having tricky times with my MIL and it helps to know I’m not the only one dealing with it!

    • Jess

      That is some weird stuff out of your MIL. Very oblivious to the way people around her are feeling (your mom, but also her SON?!)

      This sounds like she’s got a lot of gender essentialism going on (mom of son, can’t be involved!) but also way different expectations of how involved a parent can be in an adult child’s life.

      • Sosuli

        The gender essentialism bugs me soooo much. Especially when I tell her stories about my nieces and nephews. She always interprets them as something to do with gender, which I find really weird. I was telling her about how much my niece likes scary things and Halloween and facepaints and her response was, “Oh, so she likes BOY things. Do you think she doesn’t really think of herself as a girl?” Like… she thinks of herself as herself and her interests are not defined by her gender. She’s a toddler, for crying out loud.

        • Ashlah

          …wtf. Ugh, that would irritate me so much.

        • Jess

          Eyes rolling so hard. That kind of stuff really messed me up as a kid.

    • Laura C

      Congratulations on the fellowship!

      My MIL also has feelings about how sons don’t involve their parents as much as daughters do, and said feelings are also accompanied by her giving a lot more opinions than my parents do, or at least expecting her opinions to guide us in a way my parents would never expect. In our case it’s fair to say that my parents know a lot more about what’s going on with us than my MIL does, partly because I just talk to them more (which may be gender but also may be the fact that they don’t take the fact that I’m telling them things about my life as an invitation to issue instructions) and partly because they express a lot more interest about the general details of life, in a conversational way.

      But I do know that my MIL also sees some general patterns that are probably a real thing — women want their own mothers more involved in things like pregnancy and birth, women are more likely to be caregivers to older relatives so that parents of daughters can expect more on that front (again, gender, and I’m not saying I like it! but my MIL sees that in her own life — she spends basically all her vacation time taking care of her parents and her brother doesn’t do half as much). So I wonder how much mothers of sons hear about this stuff as a problem with having a son and then get tense about it and try to overcompensate in ways that are ultimately counterproductive.

      • Violet

        I think you’re right, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy- when parents are worried they won’t be included, they push in more, which makes their adult children pull away.

      • Sosuli

        Yeah I think you’re right – those gender assumptions frustrate me, but they do reflect the realities of a lot of people around my MIL. Her sister and niece are incredibly close and do everything together, so I think that’s impacting on what’s going on as well. But I’m just not sure what I’m supposed to do about it – I guess just deep breaths and get husband to deal with it when he feels necessary?

        • Laura C

          Lord knows I haven’t figured it out. I try to include MIL wherever possible (eg last night my husband was at a work event until late so I invited her to Facetime with the baby since my husband wasn’t home to do it), I try to be sensitive about how I talk about my relationship with my parents (a memo my husband sometimes misses), and I take a lot of deep breaths and work on boundary-setting, but it’s obviously not always successful.

          • Sosuli

            It’s reassuring I’m not the only one confused by this dynamic. That sounds like a good plan of action though. I think it’s been frustrating me so much I’ve just gone too far in the avoid-if-at-all-possible direction, which is probably actually adding to my feelings of pressure when I do see her.

    • Yay fellowship!

      As someone who has a MIL that is blithely unaware of how the things she says affects people around her, I just want to say…I know that feel. Mostly I ignore her when she’s saying weird stuff, but recently I started calling her out when she was making others uncomfortable. She. Did. Not. Like. It. She lashed back at me, but hey the uncomfortable conversation stopped.

      • Sosuli

        I kind of tried that… a couple months ago MIL made some comment about how we couldn’t possibly IMAGINE how difficult husband’s cousin is finding her parents’ divorce and how TERRIBLE it’s been for her. It crossed a line, and I just very clearly stated that I don’t need to imagine how difficult that situation is, considering I have been through that with my own parents. Rather than realizing how insensitive her comment was, she just stuck with her statement. Maybe I should keep with it though, if that approach has had some results for you!

        • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

          Is she being daft, or just rude?

          • Sosuli

            She’s definitely not rude – if anything she’s overly friendly. I think she’s just clueless. But it doesn’t make that sort of thing less frustrating, even if I know it’s not coming from a malicious place.

          • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

            Yeah, intent is nice and good, but the result is the same. And sorry, I don’t mean to insult your MIL.

        • Oof. It has had some varying results. One time she kept insulting my husband (you know, her own son) to his face, repeatedly. I told her that she was being very rude and she jumped on me about how it was her son and she could say whatever she wanted to him (wtf). So yeah, it changed the direction of the conversation, and got the heat off my husband but I’m not sure how effective it was in getting her to understand why what she was saying was not ok. I’m sure it won’t be the last time I have to step in, but I figure eventually she’ll keep some comments to herself if she knows I’m going to call her out.

    • Totch

      Congrats on the fellowship! I feel this so hard. My lab just got a grant this week (after applying for 3 years, natch). It’s not much money, but the win feels so good and the prestige of the funder is gonna make a difference for us.

    • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

      London and a library! What more could you want!

  • Elizabeth

    Hey all! Does anyone have career or life blogs they follow they’d recommend? I’ve been reading askamanager, which I love, but I could really use some more. I’ve also looked at getbullish and love the content there tons.

    • LadyMe

      Replying, because I want reccs too. I’ve read getbullish’s entire archive.

      • Janet Hélène

        Glad to know I am not the only one who will go through an entire content background (years worth!) if I decide I want to follow a blog/website.

    • ManderGimlet

      I love Being Boss podcast! https://beingboss.club/category/podcast

      They have way more stuff going on with their brand than just the podcast, but that’s the primary format I interact with. It’s semi-geared toward creative entrepreneurs but it has great, energizing, empowering info for anyone looking to get stuff done.

    • AP

      Cup of Jo is a fun mix of design, career, fashion, and round up links to other interesting content. I’ll keep thinking…

      • Lisa

        I love Cup of Jo!

    • SLG

      Good career blogs are few and far between, but here are some I’ve found…

      If you work in tech or a creative field (and probably even if you don’t), Julie Zhou is the bomb: https://medium.com/@joulee

      Also a few podcasts: Manager Tools and its companion Career Tools are full of tactical advice on how to navigate difficult situations, or how to be prepared so potentially difficult situations are less so. Radical Candor is another good one.

  • JC

    I have a very odd question, but I know many here are criers, like me. Does anyone schedule in crying time? Last Sunday morning I had an anxiety wave where I was certain that I was an overwhelming failure at everything, and I couldn’t stop the tears. Afterwards, I felt amazing. My hormones rebalanced, nothing seemed nearly as bad as it had that morning, I seriously felt like I lost five pounds just like that. It made me realize that I hadn’t cried in a while, and I know that it’s a function my body desperately needs. I’ve never liked sad movies or shows because I’m embarrassed to cry in front of others (particular triggers are all Google commericals or stories of people getting into college.) The type A/planner in me was like, “I should watch a sad movie every two weeks!” which sounds silly out loud. I’m wondering if others have developed a sense of when they physically need to cry and make it happen. If so, I may need to invest in some Nicholas Sparks movies and start watching Grey’s Anatomy.

    • Jess

      I watch Call the Midwife (thanks for the rec, AmyMarch & other APWers!). Guaranteed tears every other episode. I repress a lot of emotion, good and bad, and watching it helps let it all out.

      • JC

        Oh I have heard wonderful things about that show, great idea!

        • Jess

          It’s great, and honestly it feels really good to cry from happy feelings in addition to sometimes sad ones.

      • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

        Oh, that makes me cry EVERY TIME.

      • Natalie

        LOVE Call the Midwife. I cry at Every. Single. Episode. Happy tears, sad tears, angry-at-the-patriarchy tears…

    • MrsRalphWaldo

      Sometimes I make myself cry if I feel like I need it. There are legitimate scientific benefits to crying. Now I’m personally a huge crier in general (Amazon commercial, Vampire Diaries season finale, like every time someone on screen cries) so I can usually get it out of my system during my standard routine, but I’ll definitely have a good cry as a stress reliever from time to time.

    • Alyssa

      I haven’t done “scheduled crying”, but I’ve noticed that I need a good cry or SOME emotional release every 2-4 weeks; it DOES just help release everything. kind of like a reset button. I like the idea of scheduling it though!

    • Rose

      I don’t schedule it, but if I’m in a generally down/upset mood but not enough to be crying about anything in particular, I do have a few things I can watch to cry, and it often helps. I do that less now that I live with someone else, though.

      • JC

        Yeah I think living with someone else has limited the ways that I just “happen” to cry– sad movies or books, especially. We mostly watch sports and news, but that doesn’t lead to spontaneous touching moments.

        • Rose

          Yeah. I think it’s a combination of things–my moods are more stable with my wife around, for sure, so I’m less likely to get in a mood where I want to cry about a movie. And the things that make me cry also tend to make her cry, and then I feel bad about making her sad, so I rarely suggest that we watch that sort of thing together.

          • Anna

            Yeah, my fiance gets really worried when I cry, even if it’s about a sad movie or something (to be fair, I get really dramatically emotionally wrecked by sad movies, which I’m sure is legitimately worrying for someone who cares about me), so I’m a little less into watching sad things with him than I would otherwise be. On the other hand, it feels really good to have him hug me and make a fuss over me when I’m crying, again, even if the crying is about fiction rather than something in my real life.

        • Jess

          A very good investment for us has been having two rooms with tvs. We like our space, and sometimes I just gotta get some vicarious emotions flowing.

          • JC

            We have two as well, and I just haven’t been very proactive about using the second tv for my own devices. I think that’s where the “scheduling” comes it. It’s maybe not so much, “I must cry every two weeks!” as much as “I should have a show/some time to watch my own stuff and maybe cry because crying is great.”

    • Alli

      I cry at any remotely sweet commercial. Anything with a baby, car commercials where the kids are learning to drive, army parents coming home, pets in any situation, that car commercial where the couple gets married in the rain, etc. When I was in college I would sometimes “schedule” crying in that if I was really stressed or anxious I’d find a song that I could play and just cry it out on my bed for a bit. The soundtrack from Lost (I think the song is called Death and Birth or something like that) is really good, so is the song Eet by Regina Spektor. Instant tears.

      • Violet

        Oh, if we’re nominating sad songs, I submit REM Wrong Child and Kate Nash Nicest Thing.

        • AP

          Sad songs! Just thinking about Language of the Heart by David Wilcox makes me well up.

        • MC

          The Heart of the Matter (original or India Arie cover) always gets me. And the other day Million Reasons by Lady Gaga totally surprised me by making me cry while I was getting ready for work!

    • JC

      I should note here that my current favorite cry-inducing show is One Day at a Time on Netflix (starring the brilliant Rita Moreno.) It’s a very classic sit-com, but for a very 21st century family. (Also it’s very, very funny and very, very feminist.) I watched it because it was recommended by both Lin-Manuel Miranda and Maria Hinojosa, so if you don’t believe me, you should believe them.

    • Gaby

      I cry very easily at media (commercials, TV, movies, etc.) but not so much in my personal life. I CRY but I also just get moody or depressed when something personal happens. So I have media go-tos when I need a cry. During the dinner we had before my husband proposed, I told him that I discovered that day that a youtube video of the last ten minutes of Fast & Furious 7 was my new go to haha… So a couple hours later when I felt overwhelmed and in shock about our engagement I went back and watched it hahaha. Now that song always reminds me of that day and I feel like the biggest cornball. I grew up on those movies and anything with the “friends are family” sentiment gets me! Lego Batman is another example.

    • JenC

      I don’t schedule in time to cry, when I think that crying will make me feel better I can’t ever seem to cry. However, that being sad I probably feel more drawn to sadder things when I need an emotional release. My husband stayed late at work the other night and I watched me before you, knowing full well it would make cry but it did make me feel better after.

    • ART

      I don’t schedule it, but I totally understand this because I am what I like to think of as a “bulk emotional crier” – when something finally does set me off, I cry about everything I am upset about all at once (which is like, GREAT for minor but emotional quibbles with my husband…/sarcasm). I have done this since I was young, and I definitely feel the benefits once I’ve gotten it out (but it can be embarrassing if I do it around people).

      • LadyJanee

        This is exactly me – I don’t cry about things as they happen and then we’ll have a minor squabble or I’ll break a mug and then cry ALL THE TEARS. I always feel lighter emotionally once I’m done but it’s exhausting.

    • Natalie

      I totally watch sad movies alone when I feel like I need a good cry. Highly recommended.

  • Lawyerette510

    1. So excited to visit the Compact Clubhouse tomorrow morning!

    2. It’s amazing what the combination of therapy for a couple months and a really chill 4 night beach vacation did to get me back on track with feeling like I can handle my life.

    3. Because of how overwhelmed I was from work and having the flu prior to vacation, I didn’t do all the grooming I normally would have to make my body look like “it’s supposed to” to go to the beach– normally I get full leg wax, bikini wax, lower abdomen wax, and a pedicure. It takes a lot of time (and money) to get all of that done and the waxing does not feel great. I told myself I would shave and paint my nails before we left, but then ended up working super late to finish something and didn’t. So, I packed shaving stuff and nail polish with the idea I would do it as soon as we got on-island and checked into our hotel. But we got there and the sun was shining and rain was in the forecast. So I just went to the beach, all hairy (like haven’t shaved in 3 months hairy) and with chipped purple polish just on the ends of my big toes. And I was so happy to just be on the beach and in the ocean that I just forgot about it. Then after 4 hours at the beach and realizing no one noticed and no one cared that I was “unkempt”, it seemed silly to put in the effort and discomfort (when I shave, even with a new razor and good shave cream my skin gets really irritated). It was so freeing to just be there, wearing my favorite bikinis and caftans and enjoying how I felt in my outfits and in the sun, instead of thinking about how I looked.

    4. Mr. Lawyerette has started taking on contract work related to his prior profession! He’s still driving Lyft some, but he’s also now doing contract work and he’s LIKING IT! I’m trying not to get my hopes up, but the possibility that he would be back on a normal schedule and doing something that he enjoys and that allows us to more evening share household and financial responsibility is very exciting.

    5. Work has been hard. I haven’t been doing my best due to the depression and also having only 3 days of shadow/ onboarding instead of the three months I was promised when I accepted the offer. It was a not-good combination that made for a rocky start, but I was energized to refocus on the flight home Sunday, and my boss and I met on Monday and talked about how we both thought we should hit “restart” and how to set me up for success going forward. We both showed up with lists, and there was a lot of overlap, so it was good to see we’re on the same page. I’m very thankful that I work for a woman who I can talk to about not just the what happened, but a little bit about the emotional state why behind it.

    • Alli

      Semi related to #3, when FH and I bought our house we lost my razors. So I went about a week without shaving and at first I was freaking out. I had been shaving my arms since middle school, it started because some kid made fun of how hairy they were (and I had this weird fear that they wouldn’t end, that the hair would just get longer and longer and poke out of my shirts), and over the years I guess I convinced myself that I actually preferred shaving them. I haven’t shaved them since we bought our house (about 5 months ago) and it’s AWESOME. Showers are faster, I don’t have to worry about stubble on them, I can’t believe it was something I did for YEARS.

    • zana

      There’s some joy in becoming an adult and realizing…no one really cares if/what you shave, and if they do, they’re pretty weird.

      • Anna

        With the possible exception of the person or people who directly interact with your body on a regular basis, and even then you get to decide how much YOU care if they care about you shaving :-)

      • Violet

        I found most people don’t care what you do as long as it doesn’t inconvenience them.

      • Lawyerette510

        There is definitely joy in the freedom of realizing it. In some ways I already had, but I had kind of convinced myself that I was only ok with my body hair in the context of the bay area where I nearly always were pants or tights or long skirts. And it ends up, I am also ok with my body hair in the context of bikinis and shorts and short dresses.

        There’s just so much programming that we (or at least I) learn around being ashamed of body hair, and as someone with pretty dark hair it has been a thing. I remember being in 6th grade and starting to bleach my arm hair, upper lip hair and hair on my stomach, while shaving my entire legs and bikini line. Then, in high school I started getting my bikini line and lip waxed and my parents gave me laser hair removal for my stomach. My mom never shamed me for how I looked, but when I expressed concern over my hair, she was always ready with a solution to lighten it or remove it, instead of at a minimum presenting that there was an option of just accepting it. It was probably made worse by my comparing myself to her, when she has very blonde fine (body) hair.

  • louise danger

    guys, remember i was talking about that weird (for me) three-hour interview a few weeks ago? well, i got a call last week and i got the job! :D

    and i start on my birthday! :D (hiring manager-lady has promised to make it a sort of work party) commute will be 5-10 minutes, pay and benefits are better, and i’m eligible from day one for 100% tuition remission!

    i haven’t gotten my official letter yet (the HR office moves at the speed of “state government”), but have an email with the unofficial offer in writing. awkwardness: i won an award from the main university of the school where i currently am, and the ceremony is two weeks after i’ll have left.

    womp.

    but hey!

    also i was able to hand my little brother’s check to my mom and to explain why i felt weird about it. problem solved! (and check-returning was confirmed as the right thing when my brother and his fiance ambushed me at the airport as i arrived for my aunt’s funeral – mom told me “can $they meet you here at the airport?” as the cabin door closed for departure. :| apparently, fiancee comes from a close family and was desperate to meet me, even though i was walking off a plane after hour 15 of my day and was, you know, in town for a funeral. [that gif of ariel shrugging about whosits and whatsits galore]

    • Anna

      Congrats on the job! Work birthday party sounds fun (and better pay, benefits, commute, etc even more so :D).

      • louise danger

        thanks! i won’t be working in a basement! TBD if i’ll have an actual office, still, but i’d work in a corner again if it meant i was in eyeshot of the sun

        • Anna

          Oh god I interned in a basement for one summer in high school, and even going back to the concrete prison that was my high school in the fall was a relief because at least it had windows.

          My office is mostly lovely, lighting-wise, but my team recently moved from the north side of the building to the south side and now the blinds are always drawn because otherwise the sun makes it too hot. I miss direct sunlight :-(

  • Katharine Parker

    My DOC sent us a super cute care package yesterday, which was such a nice surprise–cute mugs, local coffee and tea, a little candle. So sweet. I’m excited about working with her more.

    I’m currently in the annoying place of plans for my hairstylist having fallen through and having to find someone new. I had talked to someone at my salon (my hairstylist doesn’t do updos), and she sounded into it, so I took her info and left a message to make concrete details. She never got back to me, and my mom saw her at the salon yesterday and she had heard my messages but seemed completely uninterested. So now I’m left looking for someone on a shorter timeline than I would like. These are the things that are frustrating about wedding planning.

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  • I was super disappointed today to learn that Modcloth was sold to Walmart. I love that store. I love their body positivity, their extensive reviews, their fun clothes and especially their selection of ethical made in USA clothing. One of my friends models for them. APW has done beautiful shoots with modcloth clothes. But I don’t think I can shop their anymore… :( https://www.forbes.com/sites/lauraheller/2017/03/16/walmart-buys-modcloth-and-its-millennial-customers/

    • LadyMe

      Ugh, that’s disappointing.

    • Lawyerette510

      Ditto.

    • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

      Me tooooooooo! I’m glad you posted about it, I’ve been bummed about it all day.

    • Sara

      Oh I hadn’t heard! That’s a total bummer.

    • JC

      Agreed.

    • Cellistec

      *shocked face emoji*

    • Emily

      A month ago (maybe?) I heard that Walmart also bought Moosejaw, which is one of my favorite Michigan based retailers and now this? Talk about the evil empire :'(

      • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

        And Zappos.

        • Violet

          Nooooooooo. Nononononono.

        • C

          Wait, what? I thought Zappos had been an Amazon thing for a while and I can’t find anything about them being sold.

          • Ashlah

            I think the Forbes article linked above says Wal Mart bought Zappos’ competitor shoebuy. com.

          • Violet

            You’re right. Phew, that was a close one!

    • Ashlah

      What?! Ugh.

    • zana

      MOOSEJAW, ZAPPOS, AND MODCLOTH. Damn. Granted, I don’t think I shopped much at any of them, but that’s a bummer. Less options for clothes-buying.

      • Jess

        Ugh, I hadn’t heard about Moosejaw. Disappointing, but it seems like that’s the way a lot of mid-size companies are going.

    • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

      I heard about it right after I bought a Modcloth Groupon the other day. I’m bummed. I liked their stuff, but I’m glad I’ve transitioned to shopping more at Eshakti. Same cute style, and it feels like a better deal because I can get everything custom fitted.

      • Kat

        I had never heard of Eshakti before and OMG game changer.

        • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

          It’s so great! I’ve never been disappointed, and their stuff is really sturdy! I tend to stay away from the cotton poplin dresses, as they’re pretty stiff and show every wrinkle.

  • Kelly

    For Maddie and other expecting mamas — what are some of your favorite websites/blogs? I’ve been feeling a little lost without an APW-esque community to help me through my first pregnancy and answer legit questions without being obnoxious. My fav so far is Fatherly, but there’s got to be others? Right?

    • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

      I haven’t been there in a while, so I don’t know how the community is holding up, but try Mommyish.

      • Ashlah

        It’s pretty dead, unfortunately :/

        • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

          Awwww, that sucks. It never really recovered from when the writers walked out.

    • ML

      Someone mentioned this above, but ask your mom friends about secret Facebook groups. The one I’m part of is location based, but there may be some that are more identity/culture based.

  • DetectiveMunch

    Over the last two years, all of my close friends have moved away. Up til recently it’s been fine. I travel, Gchat a lot, FaceChat with them. But I’m starting to feel a twinge of loneliness because my partner’s new jobs have come with a lot of after-work networking activities. I don’t go to the same events because his are almost always “exclusive” — bar association/lawyer-only, political functions for his field, team sports (for sports I cannot join because of physical limitations). I’m super happy he’s having fun!! But, honestly, I’m not :/ So, ladies and gents, when you’re in your thirties, how do you go about making new, local friends when everyone seems to have their clique all sorted?

    • Cellistec

      I struggle with this too, so I’m looking forward to learning others’ insight on it.

    • Katharine Parker

      Making friends as an adult is hard! Do you have any networking events of your own–professional associations, alumni groups, etc? Is there a social component to your husband’s sports that you can tag along to? Do you like any kind of exercise that you could go to group classes for? I’ve never tried meetups, but maybe look there for people who share an interest or a hobby with you. Do you have any acquaintances that you’d be interested in being better friends with? Invite them to coffee or yoga or for drinks. Does your husband have any friends with nice partners that would make good couple friends? Invite the couple over for dinner, see if you gel with them. Do you socialize at all with your own colleagues? It’s hard to exclusively be friends with coworkers, but there may be someone there that you get along with well outside the workplace. A lot of it is asking people you only know a little bit if they want to hang out, which can be really tough, but it isn’t impossible.

    • zana

      Have you tried Meetup? Or looking for new people who have moved to the city via blogs or Twitter? I’ve also had luck meeting people on YesAndYes’s “Network of Nice.” CouchSurfing may or may not work as well. Getting into Yelp Elite and showing at Yelp Elite events. Joining a local professional society and attending their talks, or giving a talk at them. Volunteering. Taking adult art classes through the rec center, community college, or, like a private calligraphy instructor who offers group classes. Fitness classes? People talk a lot about their ‘fit family’. Coworkers, maybe. Your partner’s friends’ partners?

      All of these methods need to be followed up with some pretty proactive friend dates. *Regular*, proactive friend dates. “Hey – I really wanted to see this movie, would you be interested in going?” “Such-and-such offers afternoon tea, and I think it would be a fun afternoon. Does that sound like your jam?” etc. etc. In my general experience, it’s near impossible to make friends as an adult if *you* don’t go hard on this friend date thing. Start the first few off on your own, and see if the potential-friend reciprocates.

    • Anna

      I’ve never quite figured out the “new” friends part unless I’m in a situation where lots of other people are also looking for a new social group (e.g., summer camp, freshman year of college, etc), but I’ve gotten really good at reconnecting with people who used to be acquaintances and happened to end up in the same city as me, many of whom have turned out to be really good friends when I got to know them better. Is there anyone you knew peripherally – liked, but weren’t close to – in the past who you could send a note asking to get coffee or something?

      The other thing (which also doesn’t help with finding new friends from scratch) that’s worked really well for me is being really open to being introduced to friends of friends. When we moved to our current city, fiance and I had a very small social circle (consisting primarily of old friends with whom we’d reconnected when we found out we’d be in the same city, like I said) but it’s expanded as our friends invite other friends to hang out and we get to know them too.

    • Cdn icecube

      What’s worked for me is forcing myself to put myself out there. So that’s been talking with other volunteers and seeing if we “click”, joining social sports teams, or taking arts classes. I know you mentioned that your partner participates in sports that you’re unable to but maybe there is something out there that could work for you? Ie. curling, inner tube volleyball or other ‘unconventional’ activities.

    • honeycomehome

      I think there is a lot of good advice already. But I’d add that you have to be ok with being a little awkward and feeling ok about inviting people to things. I’ve had luck saying, literally, “I’m looking for new friends. You seem cool, could we hang out?” No one takes this the wrong way.

  • Next week I take Phi to MI to meet my family! I’m so excited but also so nervous about taking the baby on her first plane trip, and doing it solo (hubby couldn’t make the trip). Any tips? I bought her a seat cause I want to bring her car seat onboard, I’m going to babywear in the airport, I have TSA Precheck so that should be pretty smooth. Anything else I should be aware of?

    • Knonymous

      Even if you’re babywearing, consider bringing a stroller anyway, as you’ll need a way to transport the car seat (and everything else) to the gate. We always used the stroller as basically a luggage cart (car seat balanced on stroller, bags stacked in car seat or hanging off stroller handles) to get to the gate, then gate checked it. Having to have hands for all the other stuff you’re traveling with, especially the car seat, is tough otherwise.

      • Oh yes I’m definitely bringing the stroller, we’ll need it at our destination.

    • EngineerGirl

      Can you pack a small little sub bag with just the essentials? burp cloth/binky/bottle/etc? it helps to have that easily accessible.

    • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

      Safe travels from a Michigander! Hopefully all our snow will be gone. :-)

    • Jenny

      Bottle or nursing to help with take off and landing. Bring several sets of diaper change bags, we do one for every hour of travel ( 1 gallon bag with a clean diaper and a quart size bag with 5 wipes). This way if you need to change a diaper in your seat or at the gate you have a bag for the dirty diaper and a bag for soiled clothes. Also it’s easier than taking the full diaper game into the tiny airplane bathroom. Speaking of which, most airplanes have one bathroom with a changing table so look for that icon if you need it.

      • Ooh such a great tip, thank you! I hadn’t even thought of that, so I’ll definitely be doing this.

        • Jenny

          I wish you all the best on your trip! My son (now 14 months) has been a great traveler. He’s been on 2 long plane trips (6 mon, and 9 mo), 2 short road trips (6 mo and 9 mo), and 1 long road trip (almost a year). So much of it just depends on temperament, but T was largely a delight, and charms all his fellow travelers. You will be great!

          I just looked back at the email I sent out crowdsourcing travel tips from my mom friends. The one about the ziplock diaper change bags above came from those friends and as has been a lifesaver! Here are the others I’ve copy pasted (some might not be relevant until baby Pi is older).

          1. Extra clothes, not just for the baby- make sure that you have extras as well. I usually have leggings and a tunic stuck in my diaper bag for stuff like that. Know that people (airport/airline staff) are usually really nice to solo travelers with a baby, so if you need help or think of something that would make life easier, just ask.

          2. Make sure you bring at least a few outfits in one size bigger than the one he’s wearing when you leave- I was lucky that E was a size smaller than R when we left for a 2 week trip to Chicago. She hit a growth spurt on day 3 or 4 and grew out of half of what I brought.

          3. Try to keep to the schedule re: feeding/naps as much as possible, and bring a few small favorite and/or new toys or books just in case. E slept through both flights, and R was content playing with the drawstring on my hoodie. If T takes a pacifier, bring a few extra. They’re also good for takeoff/landing if he isn’t hungry.

          4. Tie all the toys you are bringing together (avoids lots of toys being thrown all over).

          5. Cheerios/ puffs/melts for food entertainment

          6. Babyzoo app set to watch mode if you are into screen time

          7. For the car- if at all possible, drive when T should be sleeping. We drive overnight when we can. Otherwise, plan for decently long, active breaks every 2h or so. We bring along a picnic blanket or activity mat for that sort of thing. It wasn’t until recently (15 months) that they were interested in snacking in the car. My kids also could not care less about kids apps. I have though, in desperation, let R friend everyone in my “suggested friends list” on FB. 😳 Pro tip: AM radio static can calm an overtired baby like nobody’s business.

          8. For the plane: if T is still in his bucket seat, use your snap n go stroller and check the whole thing. Use your carrier through the airport. You’re allowed to carry him through security, you’ll just get extra screening. If you are planning to buy a cheap convertible car seat for travel, the Cosco Scenera NEXT can’t be beat on price ($35ish at Walmart). Seriously, plan on checking the seat and/or stroller and/or pack n play at the check-in desk, not the gate. They’re free, and you can put whatever you want in the bag. We padded our seats with all the kids’ clothes and bottles (in separated plastic bags).

          9. get a few NEW toys just for the flight/car ride

          10. Socks, no shoes, they will get lost somewhere guarantee

          11. Technically you can carry both a diaper bag and backpack (1 as a personal item, 1 as a carry-on) but if you’re flying solo with the baby, try to combine them into a single bag. Carrying both plus carrying him (he was too grumpy to ride in the seat when I wheeled it) was exhausting.

          12. Ask at the desk to get moved to a more leg room seat. It’s worth it when you have the baby on your lap, and on one leg of the flight, they gave it to me for free.

          13. 4. Bring a crib sheet and pack n’ play sheet if you’re staying at a hotel. Our hotel didn’t have a sheet. They just offered me a giant puffy comforter to put inside the pack and play. hard pass.

          14. If possible, you can get a pass for your partner to come to the gate with you. As much time as possible with 2 sets of hands is easier.

          And perhaps my favorite, because it capture’s parenting so well.
          15. Babies come with so much stuff, so whatever you can leave at home, do. But at the same time, bring ALL THE SHIT THAT WILL MAKE HIM HAPPY.

    • Hope

      I’ve been doing a lot of research about flying with an infant as we’ll also be flying to see family. I’ve read inconsistent stories about whether the TSA officers will let you wear the baby through the body scan. Some moms had to unwrap sleeping babies to have the baby be separate from their own body. Good luck! Come back and tell us all about your trip.

    • Monchichi

      I feel you! A few weeks back I flew for the first time with my 3 mth old and I was so stressed. Happy to report it was so much better than I thought it would be. Try and feed for take off and landing as babies can’t do a pressure exchange and this will help them. But take off and landing take a long time. So hold off on feeding (if you can) until the last minute when you can feel the air pressure change. A dummy should also work if feeding isn’t an option. Good luck!

  • theteenygirl

    This is my first time joining a Happy Hour! I just wanted to share that yesterday I paid off my student loan! $22,000 in 16 months… 29 months early!! !I am getting married in a few months and I am so excited that all my hard work and penny pinching is going to allow us to have a great wedding without the guilt of my debt hanging over us. And a fresh start together!

    • Cellistec

      I’m seriously impressed with your aggressive loan payoff! Way to go!

      • theteenygirl

        Thank you! Not having that payment every month is going to feel so weird.. am I rich now? HA!

    • AP

      Congratulations!

      • theteenygirl

        Thank you!!

    • theteenygirl

      Thank you all :)

    • Katherine

      That’s amazing! Go you!!

      • theteenygirl

        Thanks!!

    • Lisa

      Congratulations! You’re amazing! What a great start to your marriage, and a gift to yourself to lose that anxiety/burden.

      • theteenygirl

        Thank you! I’m very excited for this clean slate :)

    • Banane

      That’s amazing; congrats on the early loan payoff! (I mean, congrats on the wedding, too… but holy ish 29 months early?!)

      • theteenygirl

        Thank you so much! As a practical person, I’m actually way more excited about the debt thing than I am about the upcoming wedding :) But shhhh

    • Totch

      Congrats on everything! So impressive.

      • theteenygirl

        Thank you very much!!

    • Gaby

      That’s incredible, congrats!

      • theteenygirl

        Thank you so much!

    • Cay

      IF you don’t mind sharing, it would be cool if you wrote an article about how you tackled the student loans. I’m on the path to med school so I’ll of course be accruing over $100,000 in debt so I would love to hear how you did it.

      • theteenygirl

        Ah I don’t think it’s anything worth writing an article about! Basically, I got lucky. And I’m Canadian, so I was able to keep my student debt on the lower end by working during school and taking advantage of my co-op program (basically, paid internships throughout my degree which extended it a year). I’m also lucky in that I was able to get a job in my field right after graduation, and then when I had to leave that one, another one fell in my lap.

        My biggest piece of advice is to prioritize your debt over EVERYTHING. And that is HARD. When I was given a few thousand dollars from my grandmother’s will when she passed away, I put it toward my loan instead of going on a trip (which I desperately wanted to do!). Perhaps it was my guilty conscience but whenever I wanted to buy something, even just to treat myself, I compared it to my loan.

        Prioritize your loan to pay it off as fast as possible, because it will cost you less overall. I actually wish I had started paying it off earlier and not taken advantage of the repayment grace period my loan offered, because I ended up accruing almost $600 in interest charges alone during that time! Comparing my loan to tangible things made it easier for me to understand as well, like “omg the interest that I accrue each day is equal to a coffee…” which means I barely ever bought a cup of coffee!

        Best of luck paying off those medical school loans. I know they suck (one of my best friend is at med school at Wayne State!) but it is going to be SO WORTH IT when you’re happy in your career :)

    • Mjh

      Congratulations!

  • I go back to work in two weeks…any tips on making that transition to daycare easier? My husband will be dropping off & I’ll be picking up.

    • EngineerGirl

      First time joining happy hour! I haven’t posted before because I feel like since I was our of the engaged/wedding stage I wasn’t sure I fit in but I feel with all the baby talk maybe I can? My daughter is 5 mo and I went back to work when she was 3 mo. For going back to work I found having a plan is best. My husband also does drop off and I do pick up. Have you thought about who will go get her if she gets sick in the middle of the day/who’s in charge of randomness? Are you breastfeeding and planning to pump at work?

      • You totally fit in! Welcome back!

        We haven’t talked about who will do the random stuff but that’s a great question. Both my husband and I have jobs where we can WFH, which is the good part. I am breastfeeding and I’ll be pumping. I work for a huge company with several lactation rooms in every building so I just need to request access to the room when I go back.

        • EngineerGirl

          That’s so awesome! Pumping for me has been the hardest part/getting peeps to respect the pumping time and not schedule meetings over it but it’s been totally doable (with planning). Might be helpful to look into getting a second pump/second set of parts just to keep at the office as well. Also cannot undersell the importance of keeping extra tubes/membranes at work because they always seem to break at the most inconvenient time!!

          • Great point – I’m definitely going to have to get extra parts for the office. I’m going to be using my Spectra at work & I can’t just run down the street to Target for parts if I need something.

    • Ali

      I did half days for a few days before he actually started which gave me a little time to myself before actually working. Also I got to practice pumping which I hadn’t done much of. I was so afraid he wouldnt sleep that as soon as I knew he was sleeping there I felt immediately better.

    • ZLMT

      I would just say that it takes time to set up a new routine and get used to the new normal. I found returning to work very weird at first, and it was so strange to go from spending all my time with the kiddo to most of my time apart. But, my husband and i figured out a routine, we were easy on ourselves at first (it’s when we started doing grocery delivery, for example) and then it became more manageable. Best of luck!

      • ZLMT

        Oh, and people obviously have different takes on this, but we sleep-trained right before I went back to work and it was life-changing.

      • So far she’s been a good sleeper – she’s up to 6-7hr stretches which is awesome and makes me feel better about going back to work.

        Also grocery delivery + cleaning service have been my friends since becoming a mama.

    • macrain

      If this helps at all, I was sooooo sad and dreading leaving my baby, and it turned out that the anticipation of returning to work was much worse than the actual returning to work.
      And, as with all things related to parenting- it gets easier!

      • Eileen

        Yes definitely this, I was the same. Though I am lucky enough to squish all my hours into four days a week so I do get to have him to myself one day a week.

        On a related note, he dropped down to one night feeding when I went back to work and he started at the nanny’s, which was what I was most worried about (he was still waking up twice a night).

        • I’m doing the same! I’m so excited to go back to work 4 days a week. Though we have to pay for all 5 days of daycare even if she’s not there, so she’ll probably do half-days on Fridays so mama can catch up on her sleep.

          • Ashlah

            That’s a bummer that you have to pay for full-time regardless! Although I like your plan to get use out of it anyway :)

        • rg223

          My kid actually started feeding more at night to make up for not eating that much at daycare. I wish he had dropped a feeding!

    • ML

      I didn’t want to be overbearing, but I just asked my daycare provider to text me on the first day that she took a bottle and went down for a nap because those were my biggest worries about the transition. After she let me know that my daughter did both, I felt much more at ease for the day.

    • rg223

      Everyone below has great advice, just wanted to say good luck!

    • Jenny

      Make a Checklist of everything you need when leaving the house. Use a bag and store pump parts in the fridge so you don’t have to sanitize every time. Medela steam bags for sterilization at work ( so you can just keep stuff there). Good luck! The transition was not nearly as hard as I thought. It helps that my kid loves his daycare now, and has always been pretty social.

      It sounds like you might be doing this, but chat with your boss about the on boarding time and consider what roles and duties you need to resume when. My first 2 weeks back were attend and catch up, so I went to meetings and I spent the time cleaning out my inbox, reading through project stuff that had happened while I was away, but I wasn’t assigned any new test during the readjustment. This made it so much easier to figure out coming back, when could I pump during the day, what time to leave to make it to daycare on time, how long did it take me to read and understand things in my new sleep deprived state ( I went back at 6 weeks so there was no sleep
      And I was pumping every 2 hours).

  • Cellistec

    I booked our airfare to Copenhagen for August! We’ve been talking about going there for years and finally bit the bullet. Any advice from folks who have been there? We’ll be staying in an Airbnb and probably taking some day trips, but biking aside, our to-do list is a blank slate so far.

    • Notreallytrevor

      Tivoli Gardens are great, other than that I mainly remember how clean everything was!

      • Cellistec

        Good to know on both accounts! I hadn’t heard of the gardens so I’ll look them up. Thanks!

    • Anna

      My godfather’s brother lives in Copenhagen (his wife is Danish) and I went to visit them with my godparents at one point in late high school. Their kids were I think three and six at the time, and my godparents’ son was seven, so we spent a lot of time on playgrounds and in childrens’ museums – which were all awesome. The designers of these playgrounds would’ve gotten sued so hard in the US. (Also, nobody batted an eyelash at ~17ish year old me climbing around on the playgrounds just as enthusiastically as the 3, 6, and 7-year-olds xD)

      We also spent a bunch of time in Danish design stores (my godmother and I are big design geeks, and my godparents’ son was going through a phase at the time where he was really into kitchen gadgets so we just kind of parked him at a display of minimalist single-function kitchen implements and he was in heaven haha).

      On bikes: there’s basically no serious hills in Copenhagen, so pretty much all the rental bikes have coaster brakes, and it really threw me off (at one point literally…) when I was riding along, tried to readjust the pedals, and suddenly the bike stopped. Also, almost nobody wears helmets, and you have to pay extra if you want to rent a helmet along with your bike. The bike lanes are so well separated and everyone’s so used to tons of bikes everywhere that I actually felt pretty safe riding without a helmet there, though.

      • Cellistec

        Your trip sounds amazing! I definitely appreciate design geekery and a good playground (US safety paranoia be damned). I didn’t know about the bike brakes, so that’s a good heads up. Thanks!

    • Lisa

      I lived there for 2 years and it’s such a walkable, beautiful city! August is the perfect time to go because it will actually be warm and sunny. If you have kids, the playgrounds are great and they are every couple of blocks. Top tourist destinations in town: Christianshavn (hippie commune), Rosenborg Slot (castle with jewels & armor), the botanical gardens, Stroget (the walking street – shopping), Nyhavn (the harbor – definitely take a boat tour), Carlsberg brewery. In the suburbs north of town (easily accessible by train) are the Louisiana Museum of Modern Art, Bakken (one of the oldest amusement parks), and Helsingor Castle, which was the inspiration for Hamlet. There are a ton of great bars and restaurants; I recommend Mikkeler & Friends (bright & child friendly bar has 40 beers on tap), Papiroeen (food court on the waterfront), Morgenstedet (cheap soup & vegetarian in Christianshavn), Conditori La Glace (fancy pastries – very European), and Sankt Peders Bageri (especially on Wednesdays for their cinnamon rolls, but great anytime).

      • Cellistec

        Awesome recommendations- thank you! Copying and pasting them into my travel doc to look up. I’m strangely excited about the food and I hope my picky husband likes it.

        • Lisa

          You can still get just about any cuisine that is offered in a big city, so there will always be pizza, falafel, sushi, Indian, etc if your husband prefers it. There is no good Mexican though, so don’t even try. Also, aside from the seafood and open-faced sandwiches, a lot of Danish food is very plain. There is a lot of pork and potatoes on offer. And a ton of hot-dog stands, which I also recommend if you aren’t vegetarian.

          • Cellistec

            My husband loves hot dogs! That’ll be perfect for him.

          • Lisa

            The hot dog stands are on every square and street corner in the main touristy part of the city. You will not have any problems.

      • Jessica

        Sankt Peders, when I was there in 2008, had Muffin Tuesday and they were THE BEST!

        Also, the hotdogs there are long and served in a half a baguette. Amazing.

        • Cellistec

          What’s Muffin Tuesday? Just…muffins on a Tuesday? Amazing ones, I assume.

          • Jessica

            Yep. They only made muffins on Tuesdays. Blueberry and Raspberry.

            Best muffins I’ve ever had.

          • Cellistec

            Noted! We’ll be there on one Tuesday so it’s muffins for breakfast!

          • Jessica

            Keep in mind it was 9 years ago–things tend to change over that period. But I really REALLY hope they still have them!!

    • nutbrownrose

      My mom and I spent a few days there on bookends of a cruise, and we loved it. We did a lot of the touristy walking around looking at museums and monuments, but we also spent an enjoyable evening in Tivoli Gardens, an amusement park by the train station, which if I remember correctly was free or inexpensive to enter, but rides cost an arm and a leg, so we didn’t ride anything.
      For what it’s worth, we stayed at the City Hotel Nebo, which was a bit like sleeping in an IKEA come to life, but quite inexpensive and central to the station. The only thing to keep in mind is they might want you to be texted a door code on your american phone, which of course won’t work there. Not that I had that experience or anything. Oh, and the tourist offices are great! Free wifi and helpful people willing to talk on phones to get door codes for you!

  • Angela’s Back

    Just wanted to say that I LOVED that article about planning the queen’s funeral, really fascinating–so thanks to whoever found it! Also found myself getting surprisingly emotional at my desk thinking about the queen dying, I guess it’s the Australian kicking in? So weird.

    • Lexipedia

      It was so, so, so cool! As a “subject of the queen,” living in a non-commonwealth country, I wonder how I’ll feel if she passes away while I’m here. I felt pretty emotional reading it too, and am absolutely sure I will cry. My family is also from the U.K. and my grandparents lived there until they recently died, and we all watch her Christmas speech.

      • Angela’s Back

        Exactly!! I’m in the US and have been for almost 20 years but it was nuts how strong that pull was… it doesn’t help that there are some royal family groupies where I work and I was just imagining how they’re all going to be reacting to it and she’s not even their queen, you know? So many complicated feelings at the moment.

    • JenC

      I’m a Brit and I definitely found myself getting emotional about the queen dying. It’s weird, I didn’t feel like I particularly attached to the Royal family.

    • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

      I felt the same way! I thought it was written in such a nice way, and I felt sad thinking about it!

  • Eh

    I am very exhausted and glad the week is over. I am working 4 day weeks this month so I can get some personal stuff done (cleaning around the house, passport, daughter’s doctor appointment) and hopefully that will also let me get some more rest in during my extra day off next week or the week after. At the end of last week my daughter was sick so that was draining, plus dealing with my in-laws manipulation (two FB posts over the weekend about how much they miss their granddaughters, which I don’t doubt, but still no effort to make plans with us in advance), and things being dropped on me at work because people were off this week for March Break.

    I also got to hang out with two of my closest friends this week which was really nice. I found out one was upset about one of my in-laws other FB posts. The post made it sound like my husband and I paid for my in-laws trip to Vegas (when my husband conceded a putting game to his mother so she won it). My friend has an anxiety disorder and compares herself to others all the time. She thought we had paid for the trip and was wondering how we could afford to pay for a trip like that, and was thinking that she needed to get her shit together. I told her to not stress over things they post because they try to make their life look more perfect than it is.

    • Jess

      Ergh, I’m kind of bummed out that your MIL’s stuff is affecting your friends too! Eye roll at that all that nonsense.

      • Eh

        I was pretty sure that people read the post that way, i.e., that we bought them the trip, and for most people that would not be an issue (e.g., they would think it’s nice we did that), but this friend compares herself to others all the time. I’m glad she told me that it caused her anxiety so I could tell her what actually happened.

  • Shirley Schmidt

    I am brought to you this Happy Hour by a haze of ibuprofen and codeine and prosecco, courtesy of IUD installation and work team drinks to welcome a new associate. Both happy events! A new associate means I can transfer some work and actually focus on studying as well, which comes after 2 weeks of stressful trying to clear my in-tray.
    The copper IUD, while not ideal from a periods and pain perspective (I’ve had one before), is the best contraceptive for me given that combined pills now send my blood pressure sky-high and the progestrone only pill gives me horrendous mood swings. I am here for any and all contraception rants, though, so bring it!

    • Anna

      Have you at any point tried a hormonal IUD? I ask only because I’ve been on the POP in the past and currently have the Mirena IUD and my symptoms/side effects are completely different – my gynecologist told me this is because the hormones from the Mirena are being applied directly where they’re needed so the added hormone levels in your bloodstream are much, much lower => fewer side effects elsewhere in the body.

      • Shirley Schmidt

        I have indeed! Sadly both normal and low dose give me cystic acne and increased dark hair growth everywhere except my head so unfortunately not an option any more. The copper iud is also so I can have proper hormone screens for PCOS, but probably going to keep it till it’s time for us to have kids.

        • Anna

          Ugh, sorry about that. Was insertion of the copper one way more painful than the hormonal one? I’ve heard it’s physically larger, right?

    • Eh

      I can’t handle hormones at all. I suffered for years with constant migraines because I did not want to get pregnant. I had a Mirena IUD and it was marginally better than the pill but the insertion and removal made me hesitant to get another (IUD of any sort). We use condoms as crappy as that is.

    • macrain

      I have a copper IUD, and my last period lasted a FULL SEVEN DAYS. I’m going to go broke buying tampons. I went with that option because I didn’t want hormones at all, for a variety of reasons, but now I’m wondering if it’s worth it.
      And yea, I was in pain after it was inserted- really bad cramps plus fatigue.

      • driftless

        Get a Diva Cup! It took me a few periods to get used to getting it in and out, but I love it. And so much cheaper!

        • macrain

          Does it work well for heavy periods?

          • Anna

            You’d have to empty it more often (with a “medium” period you can go 12 hours), but yeah, it works at least as well if not better than tampons would for heavy periods since you’d have to be changing those frequently anyway.

          • driftless

            So, I got it before I got my IUD, and I had a SUPER heavy period– I loved it because I would often go through super super tampons in an hour at my heaviest, and the Diva Cup would hold quite a bit more. Maybe others have had different experiences, but I love it. (And, I’m sorry if my initial comment seemed super forceful– I totally relate to having heavy and long periods, and the frustration of all of those freaking tampons. I just also love to spread the joy of the Diva Cup. Or the Lunette, which I also have- I keep one at home and one at work, just in case.)

          • macrain

            Not at all! Thank you for the tip! In addition to the cost, I just hate how tampons feel (is there anything worse than a dry tampon?). I’m going to give it a try, for sure.

          • driftless

            Oh my, that dry tampon feel is the absolute worst. And- I love both my Diva Cup and Lunette. I think the Lunette might be a little smaller, but I’d look into both. Also, don’t be afraid to trim the ‘stem’. I found it a little uncomfortable, and I really have no problem getting mine out even with a shorter stem.

          • MC

            I have a Diva Cup but I found this review on the Sweethome about menstrual cups SUPER interesting: http://thesweethome.com/reviews/best-menstrual-cup/ My favorite part was reading about all the different ways they tried to make a simulation of a vagina to test them :)

          • ART

            TMI but. I haven’t used a tampon since I got my cup and I’m sort of…overly happy about being able to poop while I’m wearing it and not have the dry tampon thing/bearing down problem happening. OK, I’ll leave now…

          • macrain

            LOL. This is a safe space, ART! :)

          • driftless

            One more thing! When I first got my IUD, I got nervous because I saw somewhere (reading about the Mirena online is the worst) that you shouldn’t use a cup with an IUD. I talked to my [awesome] doctor about this, and she wasn’t worried at all. She just commented that regardless, it is good to make sure you break the seal before you try to pull the cup out.

          • Laura C

            I find OB Pro Comfort tampons to help with the dry feeling a lot, though obviously YMMV.

          • Cellistec

            Not gonna lie, dry DivaCup is also unpleasant. I think it’s mostly the stick.

          • ART

            This isn’t really an answer but…I am a new-ish cup user and I got the Lena, which I have really liked so far. I use it inside-out so the stick part is inside the cup. I did a lot of reading before picking one to order and I feel like I did a good job because it has worked beautifully for me! There are quite a few options out there, and really good resources/explanations about the various types.

          • Cellistec

            “I use it inside-out so the stick part is inside the cup.” You, lady, are a menstrual MacGyver.

          • ART

            Haha! I got it from a tip on the Amazon reviews and it made ALL the difference.

          • Natalie

            I have a fairly heavy period, and Diva Cup + pad covers me 8 hours on a heavy day, 12 hours on a medium day. If I’m somewhere I don’t want to deal with emptying the cup (bathroom stall at work), I just change the pad to extend the time.

        • flashphase

          THE BEST

        • Gaby

          The only reason I haven’t gotten a cup is because we don’t have any private bathrooms at work and I don’t want to take those few steps from the stall to the sink with a bloody cup to rinse :( I hope I’m not completely misunderstanding how they are used haha.

          • driftless

            So, a few thoughts on that. First, unless your period is super duper heavy, you might not even have to empty it at work. Secondly (and I’m aware that this is not ideal), if I’m in a bathroom with stalls I just empty into the toilet and wipe it out with toilet paper, and put it back in. But, I would say that for getting used to putting it in and out, practicing at home might be best. My two cents.

          • MC

            Was JUST commenting to say that this is exactly what I do in bathroom stalls! Never had a problem.

          • Gaby

            That’s very helpful! I’ll give it a try.

          • Violet

            This is why Thinx never fully made sense to me. Maybe for a very light day on a weekend, but Day 1 of your cycle during a 12-hour workday in stalls with your coworkers? You’re stepping out of bloody undies and putting them in a plastic bag to take home and wash later? Makes no sense to me.

        • Lexipedia

          So, I know people love them, but my one tip is to not “shove” them in too hard. I was worried the first time that it would leak so I tried to ensure that it was really tightly inserted.

          My ex was a real gem (at least in this situation) because we ended up needing silicone barbecue tongs, his hands, and a crochet hook to get the thing out after 24 hours of being stuck. I tried all of the tips, but it eventually came down to either urgent care (long weekend) or a team effort and a lot of crying on my part.

          Tampax forever.

          • Bsquillo

            OMG, I’m sorry…but this is hilarious AND terrifying. Also on team tampon over here.

          • Lexipedia

            We laughed about it afterward, and the VERY FEW friends I have told found it hilarious. Honestly, three years out its more of a funny story than anything else. I just warn all my friends – you don’t need to put it in that hard!

      • Anna

        Oof. When I had the Nexplanon implant, I had three-week-long periods, but they were much lighter than my regular periods so it wasn’t quite as dramatic as it sounds. (Now on the Mirena IUD, I have super light periods that are also just a normal length, so that’s great… not to brag or anything haha)

        Seconding the suggestion to get the Diva Cup. It’s phenomenal. I’m on my second one (used the first one for 3-4 years until it got to the point that the discoloration wouldn’t wash off anymore – at which point I was more than willing to shell out $40 for a new one, particularly thinking about what three to four years’ worth of tampons would’ve cost).

  • HannahESmith

    Somewhere on APW, I remember hearing that your 30s is the decade where things start to fall into place professionally. I figured this wouldn’t happen to me because I decided to quit my job and travel for 7 months at age 29. However, despite that, my 30s are still turning out to be awesome professionally. I managed to get a job that is way better than the one I had before I left, with better work and professional development. If anyone is considering doing something similar, I would totally encourage you to take the risk.

    • Cellistec

      Excellent pep talk! Thank you!

    • Booknerd

      I took a huge risk and switched careers 2 months ago and it’s been AMAZING. And I’m turning 30 in a few months so I guess that counts ;)

  • Anxious Job Seeker

    I work full time and just started a job search, and I’m struggling with confidence. In my twenties, I sailed effortlessly through job and internship searches, and nabbed competitive positions within my field. I have now been in the same position for 8 years, and I’m ready for a better title, more responsibility, and more money.
    I’m not sure what the problem is, but the second I even tried to get back on the job search saddle, my confidence crumbled right before my eyes. Last night I was on the sofa looking at jobs I don’t feel qualified for, sobbing as my friend Sheryl Sandberg’d me over text- “You are totally qualified for this! Don’t psych yourself out! I will help!”
    I think partially I’m just at this tricky stage in my career- obviously it’s easier to go for entry level and mid level jobs, and things will get harder as you move up. But I have somehow convinced myself I am not qualified to lead a department. That I need more experience at the mid level before I’m ready. That I’m just not good enough as a candidate. That I’ll make a fool of myself in an interview.
    On top of all of this, I’m a new mom to a 10 month old baby, which sometimes makes my brain feel like mush. It’s hard to find the focus and time I need to get this done, even with a supportive partner. Plus I mean, good god- I am still figuring out motherhood and it is fraught with insecurities, and those spill over!
    Any words of wisdom or encouragement here? Have you gone through this?

    • DO NOT PSYCH YOURSELF OUT!

      I remind myself of this quote when I’m worried that I’m struggling with my confidence – “Lord give me the confidence of a mediocre White man”. A man (White or not) wouldn’t worry about not having enough experience. On average men apply when they just have 1-2 of the qualifications, while women apply when they all of the qualifications. Plus what’s the worst that could happen? You can do it!

      • Laura

        I LOVE THIS.

      • emmers

        This week’s Mindy Project episode is all about job interviewing as a white man. Highly recommend!

      • Rose

        My sister and I call our mediocre white man Ian, because that was one of the names our parents were considering if they had a boy. We share Ian as necessary. It sounds super silly, but it’s honestly sometimes really helpful to think about how a male version of me might act, and how to incorporate that into my attitude. And talking about him always gets me laughing instead of stressed, so it helps that way too. Anyway. Find your inner Ian, and let him help you out!

    • LP

      So, I always try to keep my excitement out of jobs until I get an interview. I apply for jobs that I pretty much know I can’t get. And you know what? The last time I did that, I got the job I’m currently in. You’re not losing anything by applying. You’re not losing anything by interviewing. Just go for it! Don’t psych yourself out, you’ve got this.

      • Alyssa

        My fiance is having a hard time in his job search right now (really wanting jobs — not getting interviews — crushing his self-confidence — repeat), but I feel like your whole comment would be a great pep talk for him!

    • Kay

      Be gentle with yourself! You’re in a huge transition stage of your life and it’s not surprising that you feel overwhelmed… maybe a lot of your fear and/or lack of confidence stems from the transitions, the lack of time to put 100% into your career like you may have in the past, the question of leaving your baby to go back to work and whether you really want to do that right now… so many possibilities!

      Start with a list of reasons why you don’t feel qualified, and break them down on paper. Ask “why” a lot.
      “I don’t feel like I am qualified to lead.” Why? “I need more experience.” Why?

      You’ll either get to real skills / experience that you can build (or realise that you actually ARE capable) or you’ll discover fears and insecurities that may not actually be true. Are there things you believe that aren’t based in reality? e.g. “I need to work in x position for at least 3 years before I’m qualified to manage a team,” yet there have been people in your department that have made that transition in a couple of years? Or “I need to be able to lead in the way that Boss Y does,” when you can be just as effective in a different form of leadership (inspire and motivate in one on one meetings rather than group settings, for example).

      I find it really helpful to dig to the base of my fears to figure out what’s really going on, and then question whether it’s true. Plus then you get to plan for your worst case scenario and come up with ways to recover from it IF it happens (which is unlikely in itself).

      Good luck – and keep surrounding yourself with your friends who believe in you. They’re good people to have on side. :)

    • Eenie

      I just landed and started a job after an almost two year job search. I felt wholly unqualified for everything I applied for and even accepted a job that was not the right fit because of it. Setting goals for myself helped – apply for x number of jobs each day or week. That sometimes meant I applied for jobs that I wasn’t 80% qualified for (that was the road block for me). Use the interview process to your advantage – ask the right questions, be choosy. Set up an auto alert for companies or positions you are interested in – this made it easy for me to save to my list for later. I used indeed and had about six searches with daily emails. I was restricted by geography quite a bit.

      And start reading askamanager!

  • Kaitlyn

    I posted back in January that I was going to ask for a raise and promotion, and I just found out I didn’t get it. I feel like the reasons I were given for not being bumped up were hypocritical (I spend too much time on projects and not my core function of scheduling interviews, but I need to be doing more projects to be promoted) along with that I’m not doing enough for the new hires (they’re technically on a different team than me and have someone else train them). Frankly, my whole review was a surprise and I spent the entire time trying not to cry so I really couldn’t even have a productive conversation. Basically, my company demands that you already be working at the next level before you’re given it and even though I feel like I’ve been working at the next level since I started (with a LOT of evidence to back that up), it’s not good enough. I feel like part of this has to do with my supervisor only being the next level up (usually supervisors are two levels up).

    I think it might be time to move on. I haven’t been here too long (year and a half), but I feel like I’ve been jumping through a lot of hoops without any rewards. I’m also in a field currently that I’m not interested in, and only took this job to get out of a toxic work environment. Anyway, looking forward to my St. Paddy’s beer in an hour and a half :(

    • zana

      Yes, sounds like it couldn’t hurt to start looking at other options. It takes time, but maybe you can find something that fits you better?

      • Kaitlyn

        Yeah like I’m not miserable enough that I need to get out of here ASAP which is a big plus (and difference from my last role haha). But I’m definitely going to take time to update my LinkedIn and resume this weekend.

    • MrsRalphWaldo

      A year and a half isn’t that long. If you’re unhappy with your current role, then definitely keep your options open and look for new opportunities, but if you like what you’re doing and just want to move up the ladder, maybe give it another 6 months to a year?

      • Kaitlyn

        I realize it isn’t long, but people get promoted here really quickly. I was surprised when I didn’t get promoted after 1 year and my counterpart was so I was really counting on this round.

        • MrsRalphWaldo

          I can definitely understand your disappointment. Good luck!

    • Her Lindsayship

      Ugh, that would be a really tough review to sit through. It sounds like you’ve made all the effort and they’re just not recognizing it. Go enjoy your beer, and hope you get some self-care in this weekend to bolster you!

    • That sucks, I’m sorry that happened to you. But…this could be a good thing. You say you aren’t interested in this field, so maybe this is the impetus you need to look for a position in a field you ARE interested in. And on the plus side, you can stop jumping through hoops & trying to prove yourself to people who won’t promote you. It can be freeing to know you can “just” do your job and not any of the extra.

      • Kaitlyn

        That’s what I’m kind of thinking as well. I think I’m going to take this time to do a little soul-searching and really hone into my skills/interests. It was made clear to me in a conversation a couple of weeks ago that they know there’s not a lot of good next steps for me here and they’re well aware I might leave soon, so I also know they’re not going to jump through hoops to keep me either. I suppose it’s refreshing to know that (though a bit jarring to hear).

  • Transnonymous

    So, on a whim, I discovered a job posting last weekend for a position that sounds like a great fit in the exact area we’re hoping to move to so I can get started on the medical part of my transition. I applied over the weekend and didn’t really expect much to come of it.They emailed me back the next day and I have an interview set two weeks from today. I’m obviously excited, but also terrified. Anyone have any advice on how to discuss being trans with employers? Ask A Manager suggests waiting until the offer stage, which I think is good advice. However, this is a pretty small outfit – I’d be the sixth employee – and don’t want to feel like I’m misleading anyone.

    Otherwise, things have been going okay. Buying lots of new clothes and working on taking care of myself, which is easier said than done sometimes. My husband continues to be amazing with all of this.

    • Anna

      I don’t have advice on how, but you don’t need to feel like you’re “misleading” anyone – they’re a potential employer, not a e.g. romantic partner, so the precise configurations of your body relative to what someone looking at you might assume are none of their business, and legally (well, depending on where in the world you are; I’m speaking as totally not a lawyer, and in the US) I’m pretty sure they’re not allowed to care about your gender OR what you were assigned at birth. You can decide when to tell them based on when you’re comfortable and you feel it’s safe and whatever other factors come into that decision for you; you don’t need to feel guilty about withholding that information up to that point.

      Good luck!

      • Gaby

        I was going to give the same non-lawyer, unprofessional advice. I don’t think you owe them that information before you are hired. You could also consider getting in tough with a legal resource to find out about your employee/employment rights wherever you are? I did some clicking around and the transgenderlawcenter.org has a good section on employment. Sending kudos and support for working on taking care of yourself!

        • Transnonymous

          Thank you both!

    • Rose

      I’m not trans, but I am queer, and currently interviewing for jobs. My plan is to wait to mention my wife until I get an offer–it just seems to make sense to me. For one thing, I can imagine that there might be people who wouldn’t be unpleasant to my face, but who might have some amount of bias and so could favor another candidate instead, or something like that. I don’t think that you’re misleading anyone if you wait. The interview is to see how you’d fit as an employee there; things like gender identity or who I’m married to are pretty irrelevant for that. And if you want to try to sound out the culture there and make sure you’d be comfortable, you can do that after an offer has been made as well as before. That’s the advice that my advisor (who’s straight, but has a queer daughter who’s struggled at her workplace) keeps giving me.

      Good luck with your interview! It seems like they’re impressed with you so far, if they’re emailing you back the next day!

    • Natalie

      Don’t feel obligated to tell them anything about your personal self until you want to. No matter the size of the company, it’s none of their business what your private parts look like. It’s not misleading anyone, and it shouldn’t affect them. Even if you would need time off for surgeries in the near future. LOTS of people get hired knowing that they’ll likely need time off in the next couple years for health reasons (e.g., every woman planning to have children). That has no place in the hiring decision, and thus you have no obligation to tell them. Don’t let your sense of obligation guilt you into sharing information that could hurt your chances of getting hired.

  • Katherine

    Thanks to everyone who wished us well on the vasectomy last week! Everything went as planned, and the recovery was very easy. My husband enjoyed spending the whole weekend on the couch, but was ready to get back to work this week. He said that the worst part has actually been the bruising from clamping the skin back as opposed to the incision or stitch. He didn’t end up needing any of his prescribed painkillers, so next week I’ll probably be donating them to the health department (which I just learned is a thing you can do with prescription medication you don’t need!). Also, thanks to whoever posted the card saying “You make a vas deferens in my life,” because we both died laughing.

    • Cellistec

      Hooray! So glad to hear it went well.

    • quiet000001

      I need to know more about this donating to the health department thing. Are you in the US? I might have to look into that. (I react weird to meds sometimes, so I tend to accumulate prescriptions where I used one pill and got that weirdo side effect no one else gets where it gives you a killer headache or something so I can’t take it. But it seems a waste to just dispose of a bottle of perfectly good medication just because I personally can’t use it.)

  • Banane

    We’re telling our families that we’re getting married TOMORROW!!! We’ll be visiting my parents (who live in a different city than us), and breaking the news in person before calling his parents to let him know.
    Not going to lie; I’m on pins & needles! We’ve been together for 9 years, and have been having the marriage talk for a few years… but I don’t think anyone will be expecting the news (we lucked out & don’t get any marriage pressure from either side of the family). My parents actually eloped & have never spoken to me or my sisters about any expectations about our relationships… I’m sure that they’ll be happy for us, but since my dad was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer (and is a little disoriented, thanks to the combo of chemo & drugs he’s been prescribed), I am super nervous.

    • Jane

      Good luck!!

    • Lisa

      Congratulations! I can’t speak for your father, but if it were me I would find the news that my child was getting married to her long term partner very stabilizing and reassuring. As long as your partner and your parents get along (which I assume after 9 years of dating), I can only imagine they will be both thrilled and comforted in the knowledge of your future stability. That being said, my partner and I were together for 9 years before getting engaged, and my mom was thrilled but so surprised that she literally fell off of the couch when we told her.

      • Banane

        Lisa, your comment was super reassuring: thank you!!

        I’m fairly certain that they’ll be happy for us, but I think I’m stressed about the timing (we were actually planning on announcing/getting married this year, but weren’t too stressed about a timeline… and then we got the diagnosis & everything went topsy-turvy).

        The paradox of it is that we hadn’t been feeling pressure to act because “we have all the time in the world”… and now it kinda both like there’s too little time AND it’s the wrong time AND that it’s the only time. Aaaaand we’ve been keeping it a secret for two weeks since we really wanted to break the news in person.

        I have a lot of FEELS today.

      • MC

        LOL. My now-husband & I were together for 8 years when we got engaged and both my brother and mom thought I was kidding when I called & told them. They were happy though!

  • MC

    One of my goals for this week was to seriously look for a therapist and I just left a message for someone who seems like they could be a good fit! And I have a second one to call in case the first one isn’t in my insurance network. Fingers crossed!

    I also scheduled a haircut for next week and I think I’m going to get a decent amount (7 or 8 inches) cut off! I’ve been a little restless with my physical appearance lately, which I think is related to restlessness & stress around politics and other things I have slightly less control over. I’ve thought about getting a new tattoo or piercing, but decided to get a new hairstyle from the one I’ve had the last 8 or so years.

    • Violet

      What kind of cut are you thinking of getting?

      • MC

        I hate the name, but I think I essentially want a lob / long bob. I’ve been thinking about it for a bit & then I read this post on Cup of Jo: http://cupofjo.com/2017/03/haircut-lob-before-and-after/ and took it as a sign to make the appt!

        • Violet

          I love those!

        • MrsRalphWaldo

          I went with the lob post wedding and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve made. That sounds super dramatic, I know, but it’s so much easier to take care of than long hair.

          • the cupboard under the stairs

            Huge lob fan over here. I have always ALWAYS had long hair, but after the wedding, I got that cliche urge to chop it all off. Now I can’t stand the way my hair hangs like a lifeless curtain whenever I grow it out!

    • MC

      UPDATE: The therapist called back & I scheduled an appointment for Monday! Proud of myself.

      • Lawyerette510

        Awesome! I took that step a couple of months ago, and it’s amazing how just taking the action makes such a difference.

  • Bsquillo

    Trying to finally get summer vacation plans together, and I think we’ve settled on road-tripping to Glacier National Park in mid-July (with possibly a stop at Grand Teton on the way up). Have any folks had experience going to Glacier? Best hikes/places to stay/can’t-miss-sights?

    • Katherine

      I’ve never been to either (and I’m very jealous that you’re going), but my in-laws got us this amazing book (https://www.amazon.com/Your-Guide-National-Parks-Complete/dp/1621280004) as a wedding present and I would highly recommend it for planning your trip if you don’t already have it. Super comprehensive information about the parks themselves and the surrounding area.

    • Cellistec

      I loved Glacier! The stargazing was to die for, and the Going To The Sun Road drive, though slow because of traffic and narrow roads, was worth the hype. I recommend any of the hikes; Lake McDonald was breathtaking, and not steep. Lodging was kind of a challenge, though; we stayed at a cabin that was affordable only by dint of being half an hour’s drive from a park entrance. (Also, by having shared bathrooms that were 50 yards away.) As far as I recall there was no cell phone service in the park, but I may be mis-remembering that.

    • ART

      I road tripped from the Bay Area to Glacier last summer, via Bend and Spokane. Take back roads whenever you can, they are so gorgeous around there. Camping tips, if you want them? Many Glacier was our favorite campground. Apgar campground SUCKED. SUCKED. Slugs and caterpillars and too many RVs and I could not wait to get out of there. But we did go to an evening ranger talk near there and had so much fun. There are very few showers available if you’re camping, and only over on the east side of the park. If you can rent kayaks, Lake McDonald was our favorite spot (we brought ours with us). Glacial lakes are insane. The Many Glacier boat tour was great, and I’d recommend the early one with the longer hike. There is semi secret wifi in the motel/store lobby at Many Glacier. There was also boss blackberry soft serve at the store there. Eat all the huckleberry ice cream you can find. I take Cellistec’s word that stargazing is good – we couldn’t tell because it was, no joke, too light out until like 11:30 pm in late June and we were already asleep by then, so that was a complete bust. Flathead Lake, west of Glacier, is also amazing. There is a small state campground (Big Arm State Park) with sites right on the lake. We were in heaven, and they have showers and sell ice and firewood. Plan to experience at least one thunderstorm. We camped in a Marmot tent with a good rain fly and tried not to leave anything out that couldn’t get soaking wet. It was a lot of fun!

      I also love Teton, and had fun hiking around Jenny Lake to some famous waterfall and then taking the boat back to the parking area :)

      • Bsquillo

        These are awesome tips! Okay, serious noob question: we’ve never truly camped, but I’m sort of kind of trying to convince my husband to give it a try for a day or two on this trip. Honestly though, the only thing that freaks me out is the possibility of bears, especially in Montana. What are your best tips for first time campers, and to stay bear-safe?

        • Cellistec

          We saw bears at close range in daylight at Glacier. I wouldn’t camp there, but I’m a wuss.

        • ART

          If you stay in a developed campground (100% recommended for first timers), you will most likely not see a bear in the campground (and like, they’re not going to mess with you in your campsite, but DON’T leave food out – follow the food rules and you’ll be OK). We didn’t see any but we heard of several sitings while we were there, but the park staff is really up on the whole bear thing and I felt very safe. Check out Many Glacier for reservations, probably soon. If you plan to hike, rent bear spray (just in case), but mainly make noise and try hiking with groups. They are pretty good about bear-ducation there. I wasn’t really afraid, although we didn’t do any deep woods hikes. The food thing is key though. I absolutely love camping, so I am kind of biased in its favor under most conditions…and happy to talk to you about any aspects of it (we’re totally car campers, not backpackers).

        • MC

          I actually think camping in National Parks is a GREAT introduction for first-time campers, because they almost always have a lot of things that make camping easy – bathrooms close by, picnic tables, campground grills, and a NPS employee working at each campsite. Bear boxes for food & anything scented will also be provided. Also, usually the campsites are pretty close together so it’s not like you’re alone in the woods, which will also keep most bears away. Do it!

          FWIW, I’ve camped around the west a bit & never had a bear come into my campsite, but I did have a bison walk through our campsite one morning when we were in Yellowstone!! It walked right past our camping neighbor’s tent while one of his kids was still sleeping inside!

        • Natalie

          Camp in a developed campground and follow all instructions and you will be fine. National Park campgrounds are really good at educating visitors about everything, especially bear/wildlife safety. Main thing is never bring food or food-like scents (toothpaste, yummy-smelling lotions, etc.) into your tent. Never leave food unattended – always put it in a car or a bear-proof food box (most campgrounds have them at each tent site). Glacier and Yellowstone both have regularly scheduled Ranger talks about bear safety, which are interesting and entertaining as well as informative.

          • Natalie

            (sorry, had to post previous reply & dash off to meeting before I was finished with my bear safety soapbox)

            I live in Montana, and I’m friends with lots of wildlife biologists who spend their lives in the wilderness. Everyone I know here camps regularly. Not just car-camping surrounded by other people, the way NP campgrounds are, but hike-10-miles-into-the-wildernesss sort of camping. My fellow biologists/ecologists, my hairdresser, the local coffee shop baristas all hike and camp. We all see bears on a regular basis. Black bears wander into our city and raid gardens and steal apples off our backyard trees on a regular basis. Out of hundreds of people who have collectively spent literally hundreds of years in the wilderness, I know only one person who’s had an aggressive encounter with a bear. This guy has spent his life living in tents in Alaska and remote regions of Montana and Wyoming. Twice out of all that time he needed to use bear spray, which worked exactly as designed. Both times he was hiking by himself, off trails, in areas where people very rarely go. Both times he was downwind of the bear and moving quietly, so he accidentally sneaked up on it, and got so close it felt threatened. Both times the bear spray caused the grizzly to turn and run before it touched him.

            Bear attacks on people in tents are very rare. Bears, even grizzlies, don’t attack people for fun or to eat them. Bear attacks on tents are always linked to bears smelling food inside the tents, trying to get said food, and then encountering terrifying humans.

            Bear attacks in populated areas of National Parks, including campgrounds, are very, very rare today. They were common back when people intentionally fed bears. That is no longer allowed. Bears avoid populated areas, including campgrounds, because they naturally don’t want to mess with humans. Any bear that starts feeding at a trash can or campground is relocated after its first offense. If that bear returns a second time, it is killed. This seems harsh, and it is why throughout National Parks they say “a fed bear is a dead bear” and they tell you not to feed the wildlife for your own safety AND for theirs. This policy is why bears don’t come into populated campgrounds for food. Park rangers are vigilant in their efforts to never allow bears to associate people with food.

            TL;DR: Bear attacks are incredibly rare, even in Montana, and are highly unlikely if you’re in populated areas (like NP campgrounds). Don’t feed bears, don’t keep food in your tent, and don’t sneak up on bears, and your odds of being attacked by one will be lower than your odds of a car accident on your drive to the park. If you’re going hiking, buy/rent bear spray and have a ranger teach you how to use it. Hike in groups and make noise to alert bears to your presence.

            Other, non-bear-related camping tips:
            Favorite campfire meal: potatoes wrapped in foil, placed in fire; veggies including cherry tomatoes, squash, mushrooms drizzled in olive oil & your favorite spices wrapped in foil packets, placed in fire; sausage grilled over fire. So yummy.
            Don’t assume you’ll be able to have a campfire. If it’s been a dry
            spring/summer, you may not be allowed a campfire due to danger of forest
            fires. Bring a propane stove for cooking (I love my cheap Coleman
            2-burner stove with wind shield).
            For campstove cooking, go for easy meals that require few dishes & short cooking times. For example, in camp couscous is easier than rice; toss in sun-dried tomatoes, dried mushrooms, parmesan cheese, herbs Provence, and some sauteed veggies in with the couscous and you’ve got a one-pot meal that cooks in 5 minutes.
            It can get really cold at night in Montana, even in July (Glacier can get snow any day of the year), but it can also be damn hot in the day, so bring lots of layers, especially fleece, wool, and down. Don’t forget hat and gloves and wool socks.
            Sleeping pads or air mattresses not only make the hard ground comfortable, they insulate you from the cold. You’ll be much warmer if you’ve got something between your sleeping bag and the ground. You don’t need to buy a super fancy backpacker’s sleeping pad; a cheap air mattress does the job.
            For cold Montana nights, hot chocolate with rum or whiskey really hits the spot, if you’re into that sort of thing.

            I LOVE camping. I think camping in a National Park is a great introduction, and strongly encourage you to try it. The sites almost all have picnic tables, there are bathrooms & running water in most campgrounds, and most have camp stores nearby where you can buy firewood and anything you might have forgotten – headlamp, batteries, salt, beer, matches, propane, etc. You’re close to other campsites & can ask neighbors or park rangers for help if you need it.

        • nutbrownrose

          National Parks make great first time camper parks, they have tons of rangers around and will sell you firewood, and the best ones are near state parks because state parks have showers. idk where you live, but if you’re a Washingtonian, Olympic National Park is great and Kalaloch state park is right there to shower at.
          As far as bears, assuming you’re car camping never leave the cooler out unattended (we used to just keep it at the back end of my dad’s 4runner and only take it out to get all the other stuff out to set up and in to pack up). Anything you can’t keep in the car keep in a bag attached to a rope over a tree branch in your campsite, and only lower to get stuff out of. The rangers will alert you any time large wildlife are in the area and need to be avoided (my most memorable was when a cougar came through the campsite and the rangers told everyone to get in their cars now).

      • Natalie

        Protip: reservations for NP campgrounds are ideal, but if you can’t get reservations, most campgrounds in the park have a number of sites set aside as first-come only – you can’t make reservations for them. So you can plan to arrive early in the day and try your luck. I’ve had good success doing this, even in peak tourist season.

    • Lawyerette510

      I haven’t been to either, but we have friends who did that road-trip and LOVED it. It’s certainly on our short-list.

      On the topic of camping, there’s something really great about having your tent, bags, sleeping pads and pillows in the car on road trips. Especially in the western US, it’s so easy to find somewhere to camp, including forest service land, and so it gives flexibility on where you stop and where you stay. Certainly for the national parks in mid-summer you’ll want to have reservations (be they campsites or other lodging), but in the road-trip part, it’s great to just be able to throw up the tent.

      As for wildlife, food (and things that smell like food) is what attracts them, so follow guidelines related to food lockers and bear canisters.

    • Natalie

      Glacier is THE BEST! Everyone does the hike from the Logan’s Pass visitor center up the boardwalk to the overlook of Hidden Lake, but it’s well worth it despite the crowds. Hike down to the lake for the perfect picnic spot & soak your feet before going back up. I did it in early August after peak wildflower season, and the first mile especially was just COVERED in wildflowers. Best diversity and abundance of wildflowers I think I’ve ever seen. That hike was where I saw my first grizzly, and also bighorn sheep and mountain goats, including babies cavorting in wildflowers. Plus marmots and pikas and ground squirrels so aggressive that they ran up a child’s leg to steal his food. I’m going back to Glacier this summer, and even though I prefer new hikes & there’s a lot there I still haven’t seen, I’m going to be doing the Logan’s Pass hike up to Hidden Lake again.

      • ART

        OMG the marmots! There was one at the Lake Josephine boat dock that was such a ham…I think he’s probably the most photographed marmot in Glacier :)

        • Natalie

          I love marmots. :-) I once saw one carrying off a hiking boot it stole from an unsuspecting backpacker’s campsite. Apparently they like chewing on/eating leather.

    • Natalie

      If you’re driving to Glacier from anywhere south of it (which is, like, everywhere in the US that people actually live), the National Bison Range is likely either on your way or not far out of your way to the park. It’s a wildlife refuge where the last of the wild bison were rounded up for breeding programs when they almost went extinct. The bison that were re-introduced to places like Yellowstone originally came from this population. You drive a loop through it and see so many bison, plus elk, bighorn sheep, deer, and tons of birds. If you’re going to Yellowstone it’s a little redundant, but if not, it’s a fantastic place to see amazing wildlife. In the summer there are adorable bison babies.

  • Anna

    We’re three months out from getting married, and in the last week or so I very suddenly went from mellow and lazy about wedding planning to HOLY SHIT THIS IS HAPPENING LIKE TOMORROW THERE ARE A MILLION THINGS WE NEED TO DO AAAAAHHHHH

    Which on the one hand has meant I’ve barely slept and gotten basically no work done in the last week, but on the other hand, my sudden anxiety spurred us to order our rings, book our honeymoon (we’re going to the British Virgin Islands, specifically Virgin Gorda, where we can both climb on giant boulders – my preference – and lie on the beach doing nothing – fiance’s preference), locate a bridal tailor near us, send my design for our invitations to the printer, establish a registry, start our wedding website, and set up a meeting to discuss details with the venue coordinator. All in the last week. So it’s been productive on wedding stuff, at least, even if it’s massively undermined my professional productivity :-/

    • Lisa

      High five on being so productive with wedding planning! We’re in the exact same phase (3 months out & stressin’) and it is so frustrating how I can have a productive day working or a productive day wedding planning, but not both. There are not enough hours.

    • Alyssa

      We’re 3 months out too! Just bought rings this week and I go in for my dress fitting next week. It feels unreal!!

  • Becky

    I don’t post in Happy Hour very often, but if anyone has any tips for hiring a makeup artist for your wedding I would LOVE to hear them! I have no idea where to start or how to decide on who to hire. The venue is an hour away from where I live and I did get a recommendation for a salon close to the venue, and the artist will travel to the venue/hotel/wherever we end up getting ready, but I don’t know if I should schedule a trial first and book after? Book first and then do the trial? Pick someone local to me who will travel to the venue? I’m the first of all my friends to get married, and for most of the weddings I’ve been to I think friends/family have done the bride’s hair and makeup. So I’m a bit stuck. Any advice would be appreciated!

    • MrsRalphWaldo

      My wedding was 1.5 hours away from my home, and I hired an artist that traveled. As much as their advice articles aren’t always helpful, the venue searches on TheKnot and WeddingWire are life savers. I think I found my artist on WeddingWire. Most artists charge for your trial anyway, so there’s not a downside to doing the trial first. Even if they do charge a small fee, I HIGHLY recommend doing your trial before signing a contract. This is the vendor that will be personally responsible for your wedding look, and while make-up doesn’t make the bride more or less beautiful, it might make you feel more or less beautiful. You’ll also be getting in the wedding spirit while closely interacting with this person. You want to make sure you like them! Best of luck!

    • Fushigidane

      I asked my photographer for some suggestions. His suggestions were even better than I expected. I think he took into consideration the makeup I had worn for the engagement shoot and so suggested artists that were in line with my style
      My friend went around to all the makeup counters at the mall and asked them if they did makeup for events on the side. She tried out people at a few counters and picked the one she liked best

      • Becky

        Thanks for the suggestions! I’ll definitely check with my photographer and see if he has any recommendations. I thought about going the mall route but I’m a little wary of that…however now that I think about it, I do know a girl who hired someone from a MAC counter for her wedding makeup and I think the she was pretty happy with it.

    • Do you have a hairstylist or anestatician that you see often that can make a recommendation? You can also try Sephora – a lot of the artists there also freelance as MUAs. Definitely do a trial and then book afterwards. You wanna do a trial just to get an idea of their work, if they’ll listen to what you want, etc.

      • Becky

        My hairdresser is actually my fiancé’s sister, but she might have some suggestions! Thank you for the input, I was definitely struggling with whether to do the trial first or not but you make a great point. I definitely don’t want to be stuck with someone I don’t like.

    • flashphase

      Found someone amazing on yelp! I sent out a bunch of emails to get pricing and availability and booked immediately, did a trial, and was really happy.

      • Becky

        That’s awesome! I’ll definitely have to check Yelp out. Thank you!

    • Vanessa

      I ended up finding mine on instagram, by searching the hashtag #nearesttownmakeuartist. It was good because I was able to go through the tags of the one I liked (who I ended up booking) and as a result got to see some other photos of weddings she worked outside of the ones she posted for her portfolio. Idk if this is making sense but like looking at the tags of a wedding photo, clicking through to the photographer or florist or couple themselves, finding wedding hashtag, clicking through to more wedding photos. I felt like it gave me a more realistic picture of what the makeup she does looks like than just the cherry-picked portfolio photos.

      • Becky

        Oh wow, that’s a great idea. I never would’ve thought to do that. And yes, that makes perfect sense :) Thank you!

  • Essssss

    Hello! I am trying to find a swimsuit because it’s warm here and I have a few fun weekends involving pools coming up! Anybody have ideas on places to get a simple suit, like a solid colored two piece that won’t leave crazy spider web patterned tan line stripes across my back and maybe doesn’t cost $100? Even target is failing me this year.

    • Lawyerette510

      What about Zappos? They have tons of inventory and lots of filters to search by. I’ve gotten some cross-back tops and tie-side bottoms from there for decent prices in the past. And you can search by price parameters.

      I love Athleta’s swim suits, especially their tops, as they have good options that aren’t halters (halters are fun but after a couple hours my neck becomes uncomfortable). But, I think that might be a higher price point than you’re looking at.

      Also, JCrew has some of their swim stuff on sale right now, and it’s nearly all solid colors.

      • Essssss

        Thanks!!

    • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

      I love the Esther Williams suits! They’re awesomely vintage looking and cover up enough of my pale skin that I don’t have to sunscreen even more.

    • Natalie

      Land’s End and Athleta are my go-to for great swim suits. They both have tons of mix-and-match top and bottom options, and both have some tops that are bra-sized. Athleta can be pricey, but often last year’s models/colors can be obtained for cheap.

  • Her Lindsayship

    I almost forgot to participate in HH because I thought I had nothing to mention but I do seriously need some personal experience wisdom for something I just realized! I’m on hormonal bc pills, and I just a few days ago thought to count down the weeks till the wedding to figure out if it’ll be my period week – AND IT IS. My periods can be pretty awful in terms of cramps, bloating, migraines, and fatigue so I’d really like to avoid that. Does anyone here have experience with manipulating your pill timeline?? I’m thinking of starting my next pill pack early and skipping this month’s period, so that hopefully by the time the wedding rolls around (in four months) my body will have had time to adjust? This will put my period two weeks before my wedding, which is much more manageable for me.

    Unrelated: my surprise work bridal shower/engagement party was yesterday and it was really great and I’m so glad it’s over. I don’t enjoy being the center of attention, but I felt very appreciated by my colleagues! :)

    • Alex K

      I skipped one to move my period a week early. Worked fine.

    • ART

      Go for it. Or skip a few. I didn’t have a period for like, 8 years by skipping inactive pills. The best (I’m off it now, and am growing to appreciate my period).

    • MrsRalphWaldo

      You’re not medically required to have a period. I’m on seasonique, which is essentially three months of real pills with no sugar pills in between. You can either stop a week early to get an early period, or just skip the sugar pills and skip this period.

      • Alex K

        Also- if you get menstrual migraines, the added benefit of staying on hormones consistently is no more menstrual migraines (usually).

      • Her Lindsayship

        So yes, I know it’s not like dangerous to skip – but I’m worried that switching up the hormone routine that way would have weird side effects, emotionally or something. But it sounds like others haven’t experienced that, so yay!

    • Ashlah

      Yep, I used to do this all the time. I had breakthrough bleeding if I tried to skip more than one period in a row, but skipping one always worked great for me to adjust future schedules.

    • flashphase

      I do this all the time. Occasionally I get breathrough spotting but most of the time it’s MAGIC

    • CMT

      Before I got my IUD I would always skip the last week of BC. But I also tried to do that when I was a teenager and it never worked then — I assume because my hormones were all freaking out because teenager. But if there’s time you might want to try it before then and see if it works for you.

    • Vanessa

      I’d do it early as it sounds like you’re planning. I end up doing this a couple times a year for various timing reasons. Obviously all bodies are different & you may not react the way I react, but my period symptoms (migraine, mood swings, tiredness etc) are always worse the longer I go in between periods.

    • LadyJanee

      I skipped my period for at least a year (I can’t actually remember when I had my last period) by skipping the sugar pills and have never noticed any difference. Maybe try it early to see if you notice a hormonal difference and adjust from there?

  • ART

    I think the weather getting nicer in the Bay Area is giving me a travel bug, and specifically making me want to shop for (possibly superfluous) travel accessories. Favorites, anyone? Someone was talking about GoToobs in a thread earlier this week and I think I may have to treat myself finally.

    • Cellistec

      Packing cubes. They’re a game-changer.

      • ART

        Oh, I’m already obsessed with packing cubes!

    • Lawyerette510

      I love the GoToobs! And seconding Cellistec on the packing cubes, plus adding shoe packing bags to the list.

      • AP

        My GoToobs always leak! Am I just using them wrong or something?? Everyone else seems to love them!

        • ML

          They have great customer service. One of my lids broke, and they sent me two new tubes in return, no fuss. I didn’t have a receipt or anything, I was just emailing to inquire whether they sold replacement lids.

    • zana

      Here’s a bunch of travel-related stuff I word-vomited in another thread: Or some really good eye masks: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B
      Or some gift cards for their Amazon Kindle. Or matching Amazon Kindles or cases.
      Or new luggage. Or stretchy clothesline for washing your clothes when you travel. Or Smartwool fast drying socks. Or bars of shampoo. Silk sleeping bag liners. Luggage bag bungees. Monogrammed toiletry bags or luggage tags.

      Side note: I *love* my luggage bungees. Airport lifesaver if you’re toting a cross-body bag + a roller bag.

  • Hi all,

    I’m travelling like crazy for work right now, but I am having quite a bit of fun with it. I’m booked to be in Boston for a weekend to present at a conference, and it’ll be my first time in the city. The conference is downtown (Hynes Convention Center), and I’m staying in Jamaica Plain. Does anyone have any must-see/must-eat Boston recs? Bonus points for things that can be done after work hours (after 5)

    • Her Lindsayship

      Boston local here! Given that you’ve never been here before, I’d say get yourself some good seafood or go to the North End for Italian while you’re here (I like Fiore, but side note, all the North End restaurants are overpriced so be prepared for that). If you have interest in a place that’s a little off the beaten path, Tres Gatos is an amazing tapas place/book store in Jamaica Plain that has live jazz sometimes. Also, going to the top of the Prudential building is good for a really nice view, and quite close to Hynes. You can go to the observation deck and pay like $18, or you can pay about the same amount for a cocktail at the restaurant (Top of the Hub) and get the same view. I’ve heard the food is not worth it, but drinks were good! Hope you enjoy your trip!

    • LFoD

      Ah Boston how I miss ye… My family still lives nearby so whenever I’m around I try to get some of my most-missed foods and beverages. These are (in no particular order):
      The Black Rose is a good classic Irish Pub near some of the other fun tourist destinations, but there are plenty of others to be found. Personally I just need me some fish n chips and a Harp/Guinness. I used to go to The Burren as well but that’s a bit farther north. Both have live music pretty regularly.
      If beer is your thing check out Harpoon’s recently improved tasting room, and I personally like their tour better than Sam Adam’s.
      If cocktails are your thing Drink makes some fantastic ones.
      Seafood: Legal is ubiquitous but also pretty decent, especially when it comes to chowder. If you go to the one by the aquarium you can say hi to the harbor seals. B&G Oysters are also fabulous, and less crowded usually than Neptune in the North End.
      Her Lindsayship is very correct about North End Italian food as well- get some pastries there as well! Both Mike’s and Modern Pastry are institutions and generally open late.
      Finally, my one most favorite thing, even though it might entail a walk across the Charles or a trip on the red line, is Toscanini’s. Best. Ice Cream. Ever.

    • EF

      another boston native here. JP is fantastic, has a lot of little shop and bars. also reaaaally close to the sam adams brewery, which i highly recommend. you get to try 3-4 different beers, including special brews, and the tours are really well done. also sam adams does fantastic local beers you can’t get outside of boston, and others you can’t get outside of new england. if you can find their smoked blonde ale, my god, i still have dreams about how good it is.

      when i take people out in boston who are visiting, i always take them to jacob wirths. it’s in the theatre district, on kneeland street, is super old and very delicious — pretty excellent burgers. also has the widest beer selection of anywhere in new england.

      other things i love to do when i back in boston — hit up bookstores (the harvard coop and harvard bookstore in the square are great, but brookline booksmith in coolidge corner is my hands down fav, all these are open late), walk the back bay streets (marlborough street is so pretty) and pop in anywhere interesting on newbury street, get tea at tealuxe in harvard square (my fav: copley square vanilla black tea).

      if you want a real locals bar downtown, try sidebar on bromfield street (around the corner from the common). the game will be on – whatever the game is that day! emmets irish pub, on beacon street (just down from the statehouse) is also pretty good, and does a solid chowder.

      i think the best clam chowder you can find in boston is actually in somerville, at christopher’s in porter square. (porter square books is another good bookshop, too!). also, as a former museum worker in boston, i gotta suggest walking at least part of the freedom trail. the colonial sites are really cool.

      have an excellent time!

  • ZLMT

    Currently deciding whether or not to go to graduate school part-time in the fall. Part of it is logistical — arranging it with work, making sure I can maintain health insurance at work (doing enough hours), but also…we want to have a second kid, and part of me thinks we should just go for it, and we’ll figure it out, and the other thinks it is crazy to start grad school, still be working, and try for a kid for next spring. And I worry it will make me seem like a less serious student? But, I also kind of want all of those things to happen, and I’m not going to wait the 4 years it would take me to do this MA to have another kid.

    • flashphase
      • ZLMT

        so timely!

    • Amy March

      So you’ll get a year done before you have a kid, and quite possibly three full semesters. And who cares whether you “seem” serious if you are serious. Personally, anyone dedicated enough to attend school with kids or while pregnant seems more serious to me.

      • ZLMT

        You make that sound so reasonable. Thanks!

    • gonzalesbeach

      I’m in a similar boat! Thinking about a masters (i’ve missed this year entry though so it wouldn’t be till possibly Jan 2018, more likely Sept 2018- depending on which school), will be working full time and we’re ttc. I have another friend in a diploma program and she’ll be in the middle of her last semester when baby #3 arrives so she’s helping me think it’s not too ‘crazy’ to add school plus babes! good luck!

  • Megan

    About to take off on an impromptu trip to NYC for the weekend – any ideas of where to eat/drink and what to do?!

    • Lawyerette510

      Based on what I’ve seen on Instagram today, it looks like there’s an awesome Georgia O’Keefe exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum.

    • rg223

      Hmm, it’s Saint Patrick’s Day weekend, so avoid bars, particularly Irish ones, if you are not into crowds. Wine bars I like: Jules in the East Village, Ayza Wine Bar (there are a couple locations – it’s a chocolate/wine place!!!!!), and City Winery. I went to the MOMA last weekend and they had a lot of cool exhibits – there’s one about exploitation of women and POC in film that’s sort of tucked away in a basement and it was SO interesting. My favorite restaurant is Veselka, a Ukranian diner in the East Village, and it has great, hearty wintery food, and good for brunch. The Smith is good for brunch (there are multiple locations), Vinyl in Hells Kitchen is good for dinner before a show… hope this gives you some ideas, enjoy your trip!!

    • Alli

      If you can get a ticket to Sleep No More I highly recommend it!

  • savannnah

    Guys. I ordered a bridesmaid dress for my friends wedding (she is also a bridesmaid in my wedding a month apart) and it has been such an ordeal dealing with the WIC- I’ve really taken my wedding planning experience for granted. Beyond having to order a dress from a company I’ve never been to or tried on, dealing with pushy salespeople that assume I’m losing weight for both my wedding and hers, the cherry on top was being told that I’m a size 20 and will need to pay an additional $40 for the larger size on top of the $250 I’m already paying. I’m usually a street size 14 and it’s just a terrible feeling to get fat-charged for a gala dress that will sit in my closet forever.

    • Lisa

      That is horrible. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with that.

    • Jane

      And then, since the size 20 will likely be way too big, you’ll have to pay even more to get it altered back to your size.
      Sounds really frustrating. Hope you st least feel good in the dress on the day of her wedding!

    • gonzalesbeach

      ugh I’m mad at those sales people for you. and also sympathies on spending $ on dresses that will just get shelved. maybe resell right after?

    • Mjh

      Sorry that you’re dealing with that bullshit. It’s such crap.

      It’s been seven years since my size 14ish, 36HH/34J self dealt with the bridesmaids​dress scenario but the awfulness was memorable.

    • Kat

      Ughhh bridemaids dresses really are the worst part of the WIC. I worked in a bridal shop for a while, then I got promoted to manage the bridesmaids department, and that’s ultimately what made me quit. I felt like a jerk having to sell girls these poorly constructed, over-priced dresses, and telling them that “plus sizes” were more expensive was the worst part of my job. By BS bridal standards, practically everyone is plus sized. I am definitely plus sized. And no one is ever happy about the inevitable alterations. I left work every day feeling like I’d made so many people cry, and nothing I said seemed like enough. HOWEVER, keep this in mind as you’re trying on those terrible dresses; they are made for mannequins. I can probably count on one hand the number of girls I put dresses on who didn’t need major alterations. No one has those proportions because they are not human proportions, and chiffon/satin do not lend themselves to stretching at all.

      Sorry for pushy salespeople, though. They suck.

  • greeneyedgirl

    Happy Friday all! My mom did me a favor this week and picked up my wedding shoes. I’m so excited about them-they were my great-grandmother’s, and I had them restored. It’s like Cinderella magic, they fit perfectly. Now I want a pair for dancing, but I’m thinking sparkly Chucks, so that’s easy :) https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/12fe721eb9422d4769d35921ebeaa6979ba46f717017c4aac5e1f690e19bc696.jpg

    • Lawyerette510

      Those are gorgeous!!!

    • Cellistec

      Those are breathtaking! Your great-grandmother had excellent taste.

    • Kay

      Gorgeous!

    • Jane

      I loooove these. And so special that they were your great-grandmother’s. Wow.

    • LadyJanee

      I wore chucks as my dancing shoes (and for traipsing around for photos) and can confirm that it is a very good (comfy) decision!

  • Anon-trepreneur

    Business owner / hiring question! I’m about to hire my first employee and found an amazing person to help across all aspects of my business on a part time basis. She would be the only person in the business apart from me. Just one issue – she is more qualified than I expected any applicants to be, so I hadn’t planned on the salary she deserves and don’t want to put the budget at risk or make any promises I can’t keep. We both really want to work together so it’s just a matter of finding the best way and coming up with a plan together (she knows I had planned a lower salary and we both want to figure out a fair compromise).

    So far I have considered the following options (and have an appointment with an HR consultant to figure out the best structure) but if anyone has suggestions or has been on either end of a similar situation I would love your input.

    For context: I run a business that involves a lot of day to day planning / development work that is quite stable, but also additional client projects that come through the door, which is where a lot of my cashflow comes from when they happen (but they aren’t always guaranteed). So far I have budgeted the planned salary solely from that existing day to day budget, just in case none of the client projects come through because I don’t want to set up false expectations.

    A – Start on my “planned” salary and offer bonuses and/or higher rates for additional projects that come through the door (pros: her income is guaranteed without putting me at risk cons: if they don’t come through, she’s stuck on a low rate).

    B) put her on a higher rate with less “standard” hours than planned, but boost her hours when projects happen (pros: everything is straightforward without the fluctuations in rates, cons: she gets less hours on a regular basis and I miss out on having an employee for that extra time)

    C) Some kind of combination of the above?

    D) ???

    I imagine this will be a negotiable process over time that is discussed regularly as the business grows and becomes more predictable, but I want to be as fair as possible up front, so would love any advice. Thanks!

    • Lawyerette510

      Depending on what state you’re in, the variable hours in option B without varying her rate or compensation could be problem, especially if you are paying her the same salary for different numbers of hours. If she’s not exempt from overtime rules this could get you in hot water, and it could also be difficult to capture that accurately in writing in a way that was unlikely to be construed against you in the future.

      I like option A, offering her what you know the business can sustain plus pre-specified additional compensation for when she workers on projects that generate more income for you and the business. I work for a small employer who could not match the total value of my compensation at my last job, so what we worked out was a base rate that she knew she could meet and that I knew I could live with, plus 50% of the fees for all hours of client work I bill after I’ve billed X amount in a year. Essentially, once I reach X in billing, she’s made enough to cover my base salary, and so she’s comfortable giving me a cut of those profits on top of my normal salary. Now this partly works well because I’m a salaried and overtime exempt employee, so she can control for my base-cost. However, you could probably figure out something similar for your situation.

  • Kat

    I’ve been sick for a week and so I’ve basically been stuck in the house. I haven”t been able to go to the gym, and I’m taking my annoyance at that fact to be a good sign, because a year ago I would have been thrilled for any excuse not to go. I’m looking forward to getting back this weekend. Also, a friend of mine and I have been working on making Sunday hikes a thing that we make a real effort to do, especially since Atlanta has such an awesome selection of hikes in the metro area. And I’ve finally convinced my BF to join us this Sunday! I love exercising when it’s disguised as a social activity!

    AND we just went ahead an bit the bullet and bought tickets to Star Wars: Celebration in Orlando in April! Has anyone been? We were trying to wait until the schedule came out to decide what days we’re going, but it got to the point where we were going to miss out on cheap flights/hotels so we’re going in blind. I’m sure we’ll have a great time but I have a little anxiety because I love a good itinerary.

  • Laura

    i had a major test at work this week. it was a contentious hearing against far more senior counsel and i. killed. it. i won both decisions with a very unpredictable justice and word got around to my colleagues who were super congratulatory, and even my boss! the senior counsel conceded to another lawyer in my office that ‘i smoked him’ :) . i had that movie moment of dancing in the elevator as soon as the doors close and then i purchased my first ‘real’ jewelry purchase that i’ve ever made – diamond studs to wear every damn day. i told my husband that they would be my courtroom equivalent of wonder woman’s bracelets.

    • ART

      That whole thing sounds amazing!

    • Mjh

      Hell yes. Congratulations!

    • Shirley Schmidt

      Amazing! Well done! Love the idea of courtroom diamond earrings of power.

  • Mjh

    1) I’m ridiculously excited for Maddie.

    2) Anyone have the Phenomenal Woman shirt and know whether the sizes listed are referring to unisex or women’s (read smaller) tshirt sizes? I went to buy a shirt (or two or three as gifts…) last week but stopped myself from checking out when I couldn’t figure out the sizing.

  • Ant
  • Bridget

    I’m so mad at my mother right now. She’s insisting on keeping her own records separate from mine which is fine except she decides to tell me just as I’m going to be bed, after staying up late to get something to the dj, that I’m over budget. She told me this a couple weeks ago but I double checked my records and it was fine. She replies “well you’re still overbudget”. I’m going to bed so she says “fine we’ll discuss it in the morning” but who the hell can sleep after that so I stayed up another hour and a half to go through my spread sheet multiple times and copy out the formulas so that she can cross check them. In the meantime she’s just playing computer games and getting annoyed when I ask her to double check the florist number since she never gave me a copy of the contract.

    • That sounds incredibly frustrating. It’s a recipe for confusion to have two sets of record keeping unless she’s incredibly proactive about passing information on.

      Could you persuade her to use Google Drive for storing all the contract and her budget notes, so you can access them when you need to? Sell it to her as using cloud storage for backing stuff up, and so you can whip out her notes when meeting vendors (rather than because she’s bad at passing it on otherwise!)

      • Bridget

        Unfortunately she’s technology averse. My brother and I have been trying to get her to use her online bank statements to help her figure out her records if something doesn’t make sense but she insists on only using her paper records. She even refused to use on online bank until this year even though she’s the type to go around to each bank for the best interest rates. She didn’t trust them. Luckily the florist is the only one that she’s the primary contact for.

  • Sara Schleske

    Holy cow Maddie. I am due April 17, and don’t remember being so impatient last time, but I am SO over it! I am totally with you on trying to get comfortable in bed, avoid heartburn from food I ate 2 hours ago, & have enough energy to do anything. Hang in there, mama! Can’t wait to hear about it!

  • LadyJanee

    I was prepared to be so ragey at this article after reading the heading but had a good chuckle as I read it so thought I would share.

    http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-03-22/when-is-it-ok-to-catcall-a-woman-a-guide/8375428

  • LifeSheWrote

    Late to the game – but long live the snoogle! Was a game changer for me. Totally overpriced, I guess, but at that point I would have paid much more for a comfortable night’s sleep. Good luck and congratulations with the upcoming changes in your life!!