APW Happy Hour


APW is on holiday next week!

by Najva Sol, Brand Director

Hey APW,

Najva here! Holy hell, it’s been a few days. Meg came into town (New York) to keynote The Love Union, a networking and wellness event for the wedding industry. The talk was so important (you can still see teasers of it on our Instagram stories for another four hours or so… and catch some of Chelsea’s adventure seeing Shonda AND Tyra) because it addressed some super serious issues, and called out a bunch of the biases of the way vendors market themselves. As a queer, immigrant, POC, it’s always nice to be reminded that I work with someone who SEES me, ya know?

The event itself was so incredible—from dreamy catered lunches to meeting vendors I’ve been emailing IRL!

To top it off we had our “East Coast” team holiday dinner at a restaurant in the historically fancy Beekman Hotel, where I insisted on bone marrow AND lobster… because why not?

After this wild week, we’re closing up shop to recover during the holiday week (*cough* Indigenous People’s Day *cough*), and we’ll be back to ya on the flip side!

With that, let’s talk about your week and your holiday plans. It’s happy hour!

Cheers,

Najva

Najva Sol

Najva Sol is a queer Iranian-American writer, photographer, branding consultant, artist, and ex-poet.  She’s the token staff Slytherin and—while formally based in Brooklyn—tends to travel as much as possible. Storytelling is her life, but making chicken broth is a close second.

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  • Ashlah

    Hey all! Finally checking in again, 12 weeks post-baby (How is that possible??). I’ve been peeking through the comments to keep up with your lives, but haven’t been too active myself. Good news: We’re successfully breastfeeding!! Starting around 8 weeks, it finally started working for us. I was ready to stop so many times, I’m still kind of in awe that we’re doing it. Everything is so much more convenient now! I’ll be back to work on 12/1, which means I’ll be around for Happy Hour much more often ;)

    Also I just bought a ticket for Hamilton in Portland!!! The process was a total cluster, I spent a stupid amount, and I’m going alone because we couldn’t find two seats together, but yaaaay!

    I hope everyone is doing well!

    • PeaceIsTheWay

      My son is 12 weeks today, too! Nursing clicked for us at 6-7 weeks – happy to hear it’s working out for you.

    • Another Meg

      Oh my god, congrats on breastfeeding! That shit can be hard.

      And I just saw Hamilton in Chicago and it was SO GOOD.

    • Laura C

      We realized we’d missed the opportunity to get Boston Hamilton tickets…so we went ahead and got some New York ones for like seven months from now. Talk about a stupid amount of money.

      • Ashlah

        Seriously. So ridiculous, but hopefully worth it!

    • BSM

      So glad to hear things are going well and that BF-ing eventually fell into place for you two (since it sounds like that’s what you were hoping for). How’s sleeping going? How are you feeling about going back to work? My little nugget is 3 weeks old today, and I can’t even believe that.

      Congrats on Hamilton! That sounds like so much fun.

      • Ashlah

        Thanks! Sleep is…relatively okay. Not amazing, but not terrible either. He pretty regularly will go 4-6 hours for his first chunk, but after that it’s a mess. Sometimes he’ll sleep another solid 2-3 hours, but often he’s up pretty frequently. He’s in a bassinet right next to me, so I never feel like I get to totally turn my brain off, which is exhausting. I try to “sleep when the baby sleeps” (ha) during the day, but that doesn’t always work. I’m going to have a harder time with it when I go back to work. Which I’m not thrilled about! It’ll definitely be nice to not be on baby duty 100% of the time, but 10 hours a day is a long time to be away. I think it’d be different if I liked my job! Fortunately he’ll be home with his dad for the first month I’m back, so at least I get to push off the daycare transition for another little bit.

        How are things going for you?? How long are you on leave?

    • AGCourtney

      Hi! I saw you upvoted a comment of mine and was happy to see your name. :) Yayyyyy! So glad BFing is working out for you. And HAMILTON! So excited for you.

    • Jane

      I’m sure that going alone will still be amazing.

  • Katelyn

    I got my wedding dress a couple of weeks ago! I love it so much – pretty much exactly what I wanted and it was an amaaazing deal – off the rack! And now I’m stressing about bridesmaid dresses – which honestly feels more complicated than the wedding dress, what with having to juggle 6 different ages, body types, and personalities, as well as something that works with my dress.

    If anyone’s looking to do some vicarious shopping this lovely afternoon, I welcome your suggestions. The only true requirement is that some form of bra – with or without straps – must be able to be worn. And under $200 strongly preferred.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/aa31e7b9298d16493ad48b583fc827afd22acc3438e8ddc71011ba1620c2ed29.jpg

    PS – yes, those are POCKETS wheeeeee

  • Oy Vey

    Happy Friday, all! My friends and I were discussing saying, “I love you” to partners and we were curious how our experiences compared to those of a larger/more diverse group. So, for science(!)* and fun, who wants to take a mini poll?:

    In your current relationship(s):

    1. Who said “I love you” first?
    2. How long had you been seeing each other when it was first said?
    3. What was the other partner’s reaction (e.g. “I love you too;” “Uh, thanks…;” silence) immediately after it was said?
    3a. If the reaction wasn’t an immediate “I love you too,” how long until that partner reciprocated?
    4. How long did YOU wait to say it from the moment you first were sure you loved your partner?

    *as science-y as we can get when dealing with an informal poll and a self-selecting sample. :)

    • Anna

      I’ve always been super close and touchy-feeling and lovey-dovey with my group of immediate friends, and Husband was a member of that group of friends before before we started dating, so I’m pretty sure I’d told him I loved him before we even started dating. It wasn’t quite the same thing as saying it to someone you’re currently dating, but it paved the way for us to start saying “I love you” in the context of our relationship, both of us fairly casually, within a month or so of dating.

    • Yael

      I said “I love you first.” A said “Thank you,” at which point I told him never to do that again. He said it a few months later, in a note (which I still have), passed to me across an airplane as we had been transferred to another flight after a 12 hour delay and weren’t sitting together. Since I was terrified we were going to miss my presentation at the conference we were flying too, I kind of loved it. Plus I still have the note. We had been together about 6 months at that point.

      • ssha

        Awwww.

      • Oy Vey

        Aww!! I love that you have the note still, too!

        • Yael

          It lives in the book that I was reading when he gave it to me: War Is a Force that Gives Us Meaning by Chris Hedges, because that’s how we roll in this family.

    • LindseyM

      I said I love you, first — about two months into dating my now-husband. First time I ever said it. He said it back, and then I immediately decided that i hadn’t been ready to say it and then waited another six months. Amazingly he thought it was cute and not psychotic. I also told him he had to wait five years to propose—I was 23 when we met and just starting law school, so it made sense.

      • Oy Vey

        This sounds like something I would do (saying it too soon and then slowing my roll). Every time someone has said they love me for the first time (friend, partner, baby cousin (seriously)), even if I know I love them, I get all, “OMG! TOO MUCH COMMITMENT! RUN AWAY!” and it takes me a week or two at least to wrap my mind around the emotion.

        • penguin

          I love the idea of you saying that to a baby cousin – “whoah that’s a big commitment, are you sure you love me??”

    • sofar

      1. *Technically him* but he was drunk, so I said, “Nope, not responding to that right now.” I then said it to him about a month later.
      2. About a year in (we were long distance)
      3. Immediate “I love you too! I wanted to say it again but you seemed so mad I said it drunk, so I was afraid to try again.”
      4. Three months after I was sure. I don’t mess around with this stuff. :)

      • Jess

        I give R a pass for not saying I love you back right away because *he* was drunk. Seems like sound logic.

    • Eenie

      1. My Husband
      2. A month
      3. I pretended to be asleep
      3a. three or four months
      4. I did not wait

      • Yael

        Ugh I had hoped A was asleep when I said it so I he wouldn’t know but I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore but then he had to actually be awake and it was bad.

    • Jess

      1. Me
      2. About 4-6 months
      3. A very big hug and a “are you serious!?!?” goofy grin
      4. The next morning repeating the statement and getting an I love you back.
      5. Exactly zero amount of time. I thought to myself, “Well shit, I think I love him” and then said it out loud. Because apparently I’m impulsive and also believe strongly in putting my feelings out there.

    • Kara

      1. husband, drunken phone call
      2. about a month before we started dating each other exclusively
      3. shock…and then, “hey, let me call you tomorrow, it’s late”
      3a. when we started dating exclusively, said it back
      4. ~3 months

      **Caveat, we’d been friends for a year a year or so leading up to us even dating.

    • Anon

      1. I said it first
      2. Can’t remember exactly, more than 6 months and less than 12
      3. He responded in kind immediately
      4. I hadn’t really thought about it, it just popped out, so I suppose right away!

    • Alli

      1. Husband said it first
      2. We had been together for 3 months
      3. I said “I love you too!” and he said “Oh good that was scary”
      4. I remember having a conversation at my lunch table 2 months in (I was 17! A baby!) where my friends asked if I loved him, and I said I didn’t know because I’d never been in love before, so my one friend starting asking me all these yes/no questions. After his questions he proudly announced “You are in love with him!” I wish I remembered the questions because at 17 they seemed perfectly reasonable and I thought, ‘huh, yeah I guess I am in love with him.’

    • Her Lindsayship

      My husband said “I love you” first, about three-four months into dating. My response was, “What?”

      BUT to clarify, he said this very quietly in my ear as we were walking around a busy Harvard Square, and he mumbles. He thought my reaction was more of shock than of actually not hearing him so he just looked at me with a nervous smile and eventually said, “You heard me,” and I started to think maybe I had heard and was like, “Wait, no I really didn’t, I didn’t hear! Tell me again!!” I didn’t say it back right away but made sure it was clear I was happy he’d said it to me. I told him I wanted to wait for my moment to say it back. Which I did maybe two weeks later or so, but just to round out our awkward tale, I’m pretty sure the first time I told him I loved him, he didn’t even know I’d said anything because *I* was really quiet and my cat was singing the song of his people outside my bedroom door.

      In other relationships in my life, “I love you,” has not necessarily been a sacred/rare thing, but for some reason between us it has. Even now that we’re married, we don’t say it except in moments when we’re sort of overcome by it, and it still feels amazing.

      • Lexipedia

        I love “my cat was singing the song of his people outside my bedroom door” so much.

        • Zoya
          • Yael

            Our cat has decided he gets hungry at 3am. Has he ever gotten hungry at 3am before? No. How does he inform us that he hungry? By sitting on my head and purring at the loudest possible volume (because he has several) or grooming A’s head.

          • LazyMountain

            Mine has currently discovered that even though we put in ear plugs, if he does laps around the bed (walking along the headboard, jumping down next to my face, jumping across us, back up to the headboard) we will wake up and maybe (never) feed him! Why do they go through these phases??

          • Yael

            Oh yes, the laps. And then when you wake up and glare, he gives you a look like, oh, sorry, did I wake you? We’ve started giving the cat food before bed, which means practically doubling his food intake, but given that he is much more active than in our last apartment and it’s colder here (radiators just don’t produce heat the same way as forced air, and German buildings are not well insulated), we think/hope he’s just burning calories at a higher rate.

          • Eenie

            Our cat will wake us up so we can watch him eat. He has food, he just needs us to watch him eat. He then promptly falls back asleep at 5:15am.

          • Arie

            our new cat does this, and I never knew it was a thing! He’s like “hey, check this out. Pretty neat, huh?”

          • Yael

            Yup, ours does that too sometimes. Like eating is a performative art.

          • Eenie

            I think he does it cause it makes him feel safer. He was abused as a young cat so we give him way more leeway than we give our other cat.

          • Alli

            Ours do laps, and then sometimes the little one will stop running and start to cuddle with us, but then the MOMENT we try to pet her she lets out this loud “NO” kind of meow, and starts her laps again. She’s lucky she’s cute.

          • Kara

            Our cats (5 of them) used to sleep with us at night. However, they would . not . let . me sleep. All 5 would surround me, sleeping on top of the covers, and keep me pinned down. The 2 males would fight over my pillow, and eventually, they’d shove my head off. For whatever reason, they had nothing to do with my husband at night–I think it’s because I’m very warm on my own.

            I said enough and kicked them out of our bedroom. Then, they’d “sing the song of their people”, or paw/scratch the door, and that would keep me awake.

            Problem solved: cats stay out of the bedroom AND we used a motion sensor compressed air sprayer. Cats hate that noise and wouldn’t get close to the door, which meant I could finally sleep!

          • Please tell me more about this motion sensor compressed air sprayer. Did you make it yourself or you can buy this?

          • Kara

            You can buy it! Called
            PetSafe SSSCAT Spray

            I know you can get it from Amazon and petco or petsmart

          • Interesting, thank you!

          • Kara

            No problem:)

          • One of our kittens woke up both my wife and I at around 5:30am by placing his stuffed mice in our hands to tell us he wanted us to play fetch with him.

          • Zoya

            I swear our cat uses purring as a manipulation tool. Hungry? Humans not feeding me? Purrpurrpurr. Want to sit on human’s lap, except she has to be somewhere in like 5 minutes? But you know she’s a sucker and will feel bad for booting you off her lap? Purrpurrpurrpurrpurr.

          • Her Lindsayship

            This cat would paw at your eyelids to wake you up, and when you instinctively pulled the covers over your face, he’d jump up and scratch your scalp. He was shared with my roommates at the time and now lives with one of them and her husband, and apparently hasn’t stopped being a pain in the ass. He’s definitely easier to love from a distance!

      • penguin

        We’re the opposite way – we say it ALL the time. Sometimes I think it’s too often, but it works for us most of the time. When it really hits me I’ll try to emphasize it more, like “I really love you”.

        • Her Lindsayship

          Aww, that’s sweet. To be clear, I hope my wording didn’t imply that saying it a lot makes it meaningless, because I say it all the damn time to my immediate family and I definitely mean it! I like that dynamic too. :)

          • penguin

            No I totally get it, it’s different for everyone! :)

        • Jess

          We say it all the time too. Often when we’re *serious* about it we’ll just… stop what we’re doing and turn the other person to look at us and be like “I love you a lot, you know that right?”

    • Zoya

      I am cheating and not doing the poll, because I honestly don’t remember my answers. :) I think it was about a year in, and we were both clearly holding out until the other person said it first, because I vaguely remember it being immediately reciprocated. But I couldn’t tell you who said it first to whom.

      However! Story about how I realized I was in love with my now-spouse. I was at a big family gathering, and people were asking after him since he wasn’t there. One of our very close family friends, who is wonderfully direct like this sometimes, asked me point-blank, “Are you in love with him?” And reflexively, without even thinking about it, I said, “Yeah, I guess I am.” And then was like, wait, did I say that out loud? I did? Okay then…

      • Les

        This happened to me (kinda)! I wasn’t ready yet, and I was at a big family gathering with HIS family, and his grandma trapped me alone as said ‘But you love him, don’t you? I can tell’ and I said yes and then I was like ‘WOAH!’ … but also like, “Granny, what if I hadn’t, pressure much?!?!’

    • Juanita

      1. He did
      2. Just over a month
      3. I was young and loved him in some sense so I responded “I love you too”
      4. I said it quickly in that moment, I don’t think I loved him especially until about 6 months in though. And things really did end up working out, we are happily married.

    • Les

      1. He did, in a note when I was leaving town for Thanksgiving
      2. 1 month- but the lead-up to dating was like a year of pretending not to be in love with each other
      3. Um I freaked out all over my Thanksgiving host’s house. She loved it, I needed to be sedated with wine
      3.a. Almost a year until I was ready I think
      4. Endless months. I wanted to be very, very sure

    • Lexipedia

      1. I said it first.
      2. Three months.
      3. He said it right after I did, and told me that he was worried about freaking me out so he had decided to give me a week to say it first or he would’ve gone for it (we were on day 6).
      4. Haha, about six hours. We were at a wedding, which always brings up mushy feelings, and I said it that night after we got home.

    • ssha

      1. He did, in between kisses goodbye when we wouldn’t be seeing each other for a few weeks.
      2. Two months in.
      3. I said it back. It felt the most natural.
      4. I don’t remember when I was sure, probably because it’s hard to pinpoint a moment. But it felt nice to say it, and we’ve said it every day since, and I’ve never not meant it.

    • Arie

      1. He did
      2. 4 months
      3. I said it back but tentatively, it had come out in an argument “because I love you!”
      4. another month or so, and then I felt comfortable saying it.

    • BSM

      I said “I love you” first after 4 months of dating, and hubs reciprocated. He claims he knew I was going to say it 🙄

      I can’t remember when I first realized it… maybe a few weeks – 1 month before I said anything? I know there was a stretch there where I was trying to keep myself from telling him, but I eventually just needed to spit it out.

    • louise danger

      1. I don’t remember
      2. A month or so?
      3. I don’t remember but there probably was a panicked beat of silence

    • SL

      1. He said I love you first
      2. After 4 or 5 months?
      3. I was taken aback and it took me about a half an hour to respond. Granted, he shouted it in my ear at a concert, so I just waited until the band was over.

    • suchbrightlights

      1. As I was turning the words over and over in my head, working up the courage to say them, he just came out with it like saying them was nothing.
      2. Four or five months or so.
      3. Well, as he had stolen my sentence, it was easy to give it right back.
      4. A couple of weeks. The experience of loving my now-husband was very different than the experience of loving my previous serious partner. It felt different enough that I needed to sit with it to think through why that was and make sure it was true.

    • penguin

      Ooh a survey!

      1. Me
      2. A couple months? Maybe like 6? I honestly don’t remember
      3. He initially said he loved me too, then the next day told me that he didn’t think he was ready for that, and could we put off saying it any more until we were both ready. At first I was upset, but then I realized that was actually very reasonable.
      3a. I think it was a few months after that where he said it (and was ready and meant it for real).
      4. Like immediately? I kinda jumped the gun on it. No regerts though.

    • flashphase

      1. He did
      2. 5 months
      3. I love you too <3
      4. I think I had realized it about six weeks before – he was moving out of state and we decided to enter into a long-distance relationship and it had become clear to me that we were going to get married someday. Him moving away and us going several weeks without seeing each other brought our feelings to the forefront. Also it was really important to me that he say it first because I had a history of being with guys who were emotionally distant and wanted to be sure that wasn't the case.

    • 1. He did
      2. Three months maybe? Sometime between 2-4 months.
      3. I sad “I love you too” back right away.
      4. I wasn’t consciously waiting, but I’m not sure I ever would have said it first?

      Possibly relevant data point, we were 19 & 20, and fell HARD so we weren’t like, in an emotionally circumspect mode of relating ;)

    • rg223

      1) he said it first. 2) 7 months into the relationship (he wanted to say I love you three months in and his best friend convinced him not to because school was ending for the summer (yep)). 3. I said I love you too – I was waiting! 4. I think I knew I was in love over the summer because I missed him a lot ( a lot more than I missed my previous boyfriend the previous summer).

    • MC

      1. I think it was my Husband who said it first.
      2. We were about one month in – we were teens when we started dating so maybe a little more impulsive than I would be now
      3. I said it back immediately
      4. Again, we were teens, but I think I had been thinking it for a couple weeks before we said it. But also we were friends before we started dating so I knew I liked him a lot already!

    • 1. Partner did
      2. We were about 2 weeks into officially dating, but a year into a close friendship that had slowly crossed the line into more than a friendship
      3. ‘Okay.’ It took a couple more weeks for me to appreciate
      4. It took me a while because I was pretty hesitant and commitment-averse. Basically, this relationship got much more serious much faster than I thought it would and before I had planned to be in a serious relationship (I had a 5-year plan). So while I really, really liked partner, I was really hesitant to move from ‘like’ to ‘love’ and friends to partners

    • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

      He said it first. We’d only been together a few months, I was saying goodnight at the door before heading home for the night and he was drunk. He back tracked because he’d surprised himself and said that he hadn’t meant to say that, it was too soon. And then a few days later he came back around and said that no, he’d meant it, it was true. I’m pretty sure I told him that I loved him too at that second conversation.

    • kayceeee

      1. I think I did.

      2. We’d been seeing each other for a couple of months.

      3. He said it back.

      4. He was my first *serious, serious* boyfriend so the whole experience and emotions that go along with saying it were really hard for me at first since I’m not the best with letting my guard down. I was internally freaking out over saying it because hello, it’s a scary step. I had started playing a lot of The Avett Brothers “I and Love and You” for him at that point because it described my feelings without actually saying the words.

    • sage

      The words “I love you” slipped out of my fiance’s mouth when he dropped me off from one of our relatively early dates (between 2-5 months, not sure when). I was outside the car and he was about to drive off when he said it… and I don’t think he was even aware he had said it. But I heard it and felt so giddy afterwards. He was already driving off so I had no chance to reciprocate right away.

      A few weeks later we were both drunk together and I said “I love you”, he said it back, I cried a little, and we made out. Anyone else tend to wait until they’re drunk to say the Big Important Things? LOL, just me?

      • Oy Vey

        “I cried a little, and we made out.”

        I don’t know why, but I love this reaction/chain of events so much.

        I don’t know about WAITING until drunk… it’s more like that glass or five of wine makes my tongue very eager to telegraph what’s on my mind.

      • RNLindsay

        We first said it while drunk (I said it, he responded)! When I woke up the next morning I was so nervous about the fact that we said it but he brought it up first thing in a “I’m happy we did this” way. It was only about 2 months into dating.

    • Rebekah

      1. I did
      2. 5 months
      3. “I can’t say it back right now” which was totally fine with me
      3a. about 3 months
      4. 2-3 months. I wanted to sit with the feeling and make sure I was right about it

      Thank you for this! It’s been almost 10 years since we started dating, so this was fun to remember.

    • EF

      ohhh i like this poll.

      1) me BUT…i had basically forbid him to the entire time we’d been *cough* involved. but i was a bajillion % sure he was going to say it back because of other things he said/did, so i think he fell first and me like a lot later. also i was scared anyway so i told him in irish and then threw my irish-english dictionary at him and made him figure out what i said. (if you don’t know the gaeilge alphabet, this can be quite difficult. it took him about 40 minutes)
      2) we were friends for many months first…but uh like 4 months? and dailyish for like 2 months.
      3) n/a
      4) i wasn’t totally sure. I was pretty sure. we were also about to leave on a trip for paris with 6 friends and i *did not* want to end up drunkenly saying i love you for the first time in paris, so i thought i should hurry up. boy was he relieved. i would say, i was pretty sure i was in love for a couple of weeks before that.

      • ssha

        Lol @ throwing dictionary. Makin it difficult!

      • Mary Jo TC

        I said it first in another language too! I whispered it in Spanish, not expecting him to understand and not really wanting him to. It was kind of a test for myself if I really felt it, if it felt right to say it, and it did so I said it in English a day or two later.

    • Hmmm, I want to answer this, but it is tricky since I only have vague memories. I could probably get a more accurate set of dates later tonight if I go back through our letters, because I bet it is addressed there.

      1. He definitely said it first. I have a vague memory of sitting on his bunk bed in the dorm room and him saying “I love you” and me saying thank you afterwards, but it’s fuzzy.
      2. I think it was after a couple of months. I went back and reviewed our gmail chats (at least the ones I have saved–I lost a lot of them when our college email accounts ended) and it was sometime around 6-7 months when it started showing up there.
      3. I’m pretty sure he said I love you first and then I said something along the lines of thank you and we discussed it in a letter later. That was how we did most things. Although it’s also highly probably that it just sort of happened and wasn’t discussed. I don’t remember it being a big deal.
      4. Also my memory is so vague here. I think I’ll look some stuff up when I get home and see if I can add more information. I think I probably said it when it didn’t feel weird to say it, but I know for a very long time I was pretty unsure of what it actually meant, but I figured why not. (Again, we were awkward freshmen in college in our first relationship, so we were sort of just throwing things out there with no real plan).

    • ART

      1. He did
      2. Oh god. A month?
      3a. I was surprised, and I forget if I said anything. Maybe “wow, really?”
      3b/4. I think I probably said it back before I was really, really in love with him, but I knew I was really, um, into him.

      We have since developed the habit of saying it a ton. We are also very mushy/hand-hold-y. But sometimes we do have to be like, *I really, really love you so much* when it needs more emphasis.

      Bonus round: The first time he seriously brought up getting married I was doing a sinkload of dishes. I was like no, not talking about this right now. We hadn’t even been dating a year. He is an intense man (which I love, now, but woah).

      • Oy Vey

        Hahaha…a sinkload of dishes. That’s basically like bringing that topic up in a car while you’re driving. I mean – you can pull over to the side of the road, but at some point, you’re going to have to finish the dishes. But when?!

    • wannabee

      1. My husband technically said it first (he dropped it casually in conversation, something like “…and I love you, so ergo…” and I just let it happen.) I said it more intentionally a few weeks later.
      2. About three months, knew each other six.
      3. I didn’t say anything when he said it first since I wasn’t sure he actually realized he’d say it (he totally did, he told me later.) He said he loved me, too right after I told him.
      4. A few weeks.

    • Mary Jo TC

      I said it first, when we’d been dating for about 6 months. His immediate reaction was “that sent a shock right through me” — so, positive, but he didn’t say it back then. He reciprocated about 3-4 months (and a study abroad trip) later. It was in a Christmas card, I still have it. I said it within a few weeks of realizing I loved him.

  • Violet

    Hey y’all, checking in to let you know the kiddo was born last week. He seems pretty chill so far; I think we’ll keep him.

    • penguin

      Congratulations!!

    • Ashlah

      Yay, congratulations!!!

    • rg223

      Yay congrats!! Glad you checked in!

    • Another Meg

      That’s fantastic! You are a champion.

    • savannnah

      Congrats!!

    • Anna

      I’m glad; I hear the return policies aren’t great ;-) Congratulations!

    • BSM

      Congratulations!! I hope you’re both doing well!

      • Violet

        Thanks, I think we’re doing okay!

    • Congratulations!

    • Congratulations!

    • AP

      Yay!!! Congratulations!

    • AGCourtney

      Congrats! Lol, one of my favorite running jokes of parenting is “I lost the receipt.”

    • =)

      YAY! CONGRATS!

  • penguin

    I was wondering if there was going to be a Happy Hour this week! I’m glad it’s up, I was getting nervous that either it wasn’t really Friday, or there wasn’t going to be a Happy Hour at all.

    Also, I thought Indigenous People’s Day was instead of Columbus Day? Is it also instead of Thanksgiving now?

    • theteenygirl

      I honestly looked at my phone multiple times, double checking that it was in fact Friday.

    • Amy March

      Yeah I’ve only heard it for Columbus Day, although I suppose yes they do deserve more than one.

    • Yael

      Is it just me or is HH getting posted later and later? I’ll show up regardless, but it makes it harder since I’m in Europe.

      • penguin

        This is the first time I’ve noticed it being late, but it was over an hour later than normal.

        • Yael

          Maybe it’s just because it gets dark so early these days – sunset is before 430 already.

      • CMT

        It’s usually always at the same time (except today, of course).

    • AGCourtney

      hahaha I did the same thing! My husband has the day off and I was half-jokingly like, “It IS Friday right? It’s not a holiday THIS week? I remember a couple times they’ve posted it at more like 1?”

    • penguin

      Also is Happy Hour showing up at Happy-Hour-7 for anybody else in the URL?

      • Anna

        Yep, same. But I’ve never paid attention to the URL before so I’m not sure how weird that is…?

      • Yeah, that’s how it’s showing for me.

      • AGCourtney

        yeah, that’s weird. o_O

  • sofar

    Thanks to working in ecommerce, I will be working Thanksgiving night, Black Friday and the whole weekend into Cyber Monday!

    And! My in-laws arrived in town two days ago and will be staying with us through Thanksgiving weekend! And! My BIL, his wife, my SIL, her husband and tot, and three other members of their family (visiting from my in-laws’ home country) will be arriving this weekend! In their culture, suggesting hotels is considered a grave insult. I have explained to my husband that he needs to handle all the labor involved in transporting, entertaining, feeding, providing bedding and and cleaning up.

    12-hour work days! Two bathrooms shared between 11 people! People sleeping in my home office!

    I’m sure parts of that will be fun, and my MIL is a killer cook (so yay Thanksgiving meal!). And considering lots of people spend Thanksgiving lonely, I am thanksful! But I’m totally taking an introvert week to recover after Thanksgiving.

    • penguin

      Oh my that’s a lot. Would it be weird for YOU to check into a hotel? (mostly kidding)

      • sofar

        I’ve thought about it and am reserving the right to do so, with the excuse of “Gee, I just have so much work, with all this family and fun in the house!”

        • Jess

          This seems extremely defendable to me. Do it if you need it!

        • Zoya

          Doooooo iiiiiiit.

        • suchbrightlights

          I suspect that this will be an investment into your sanity.

        • Oy Vey

          Do it!

          You’ll probably be a better family member/partner/employee/person – plus you’ll get spurts of introvert time and hot showers!

      • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

        …This was my first thought as well. GONNA GO SHOWER IN MY HOTEL ROOM BYEEEEEE!

      • Mrs H

        Excellent suggestion

    • Man, advanced solidarity fist-bump… I’m a couple years out of an e-tail job and that Black Friday into Cyber Monday thing is no freakin’ joke. Add family… Ooooof. Stay strong!

      • sofar

        I want to cancel the holidays even though that’s how we make all our money!

        • I’m honestly still a bit of a scrooge Nov & Dec. I try to just remind myself that other people really love this time of year and people being happy is good, but boy did e-comm kind of ruin the holidays for me.

    • Her Lindsayship

      Wow, take that introvert week and milk it, because you will definitely have earned it! Dang. Hope you get some down time in there too, good luck!

    • Laura C

      Sometime my best friend’s husband was in Boston on business, and my husband asked if he wanted to stay with us. I said “I’m sure his hotel room is paid for and, you know, in the same city as his meetings. Why would he want to stay on a foldout couch in Cambridge?” And he was like “I’m Indian! I have to ask these things!”

      • sofar

        OMG my husband has done this too!!!! Like, pretty sure your friend would rather stay in the downtown Hilton next to the event he’s attending that’s already paid for …

        I was once in his aunt and uncle’s city for work and had to fight with them to stay in the hotel my company paid for and was NEXT TO the convention hall (vs their house which was 30 minutes away).

    • Elizabeth

      Solidarity. I work in e-comm too.

      • sofar

        I am so “Bah humbug!” about the holidays now…

    • suchbrightlights

      …all of the wine for you.

      Are you able to work from a shared office space, a coffee shop, a library, etc. to get the F out of the house? I did this over 4th of July weekend- unrelated industry, just all of the company shit hitting the fan at the same time- and it was really good for my sanity to not be in the house working while everyone I knew was in the house enjoying themselves. Also, I did not kill anyone, which is always a plus.

      • sofar

        Actually now planning on being at the office for a lot of it to avoid the crowd.

    • Laura C

      Important question: do you at least get to keep your bedroom to yourself?

      • sofar

        Ah, yes, you know how it is!

        When we first started dating and lived one-bedroom apartment, we gave up our bedroom to the elders and slept in the livingroom. But (after one particularly bad visit, where I had to sleep literally UNDER THE KITCHEN TABLE because several cousins came with them), we eventually drafted a statement that was basically, “Sofar has to work very early and she needs to sleep and have access to her clothes to get ready for work. So we will be keeping our bedroom. Also we can only have four people stay over at once, maximum.” That caused them to get hotels and visit less. Now that we have the house, we have a guest room. Beyond that, people are welcome to sleep on the air mattress, in the office, or on our living room couches. WE sleep in the master bedroom in our own damn house now.

        It’s funny because literally nobody believes me that they are fine cramming like 10 people into a one-bedroom apartment during visits. And I’m like, “Oh puhleeze I’ve been to India with them and they fit at least that many in a sedan!”

    • Jane

      The bathroom part of that seems the least manageable. I don’t know about you, but my house would be out of hot water.

      At least when there are that many people they’d can kinda entertain each other, right?

  • Mary Jo TC

    This is a kind of bizarre story, but I think you all might be able to appreciate it. I’m a high school teacher, and I’ve had a first this month: a student invited me to her wedding. She handed me the invitation, written in neat handwriting in pencil on filler paper. The wedding is in a state park on Sunday. There is a dress code:
    “What to wear?
    B: Bright orange + camo
    G: Pink + camo”
    I’m not going, first of all because of the dress code, and second because I don’t think it’s actually going to happen. This student is a pathological liar. She told me a couple months ago that she was “two weeks pregnant.” But it wasn’t her first pregnancy. She lost her first pregnancy when she was in a car accident. She was driving and hit a semi head-on. She was 12. A couple weeks later, she told me she lost that pregnancy. Since then, she’s told me again that she’s pregnant (the timeline is such that at least one of these most recent pregnancies is certainly imaginary). She spent a lunch period googling the effects of her various medications on a fetus.
    When she told me about the “car accident,” I was alarmed and followed up with our school counselor. She told me this student does have mental illness, has been hospitalized in the past and is now under the care of professionals on an outpatient basis. The counselor said the student is not a danger to herself or others. She is 18 and living in a group home for kids transitioning out of state custody. This student tells me some other things about her life, but I’m never sure what to believe. When her stories about her fiancé sound abusive—spiking her drink, “wrestling” and hurting her wrist so that she bandaged it, telling her she can’t talk on the phone to her ex–I am sure to point that out to her. I’m worried about her and just trying to be a positive adult presence in her life. I feel ambivalent about laughing about her ridiculous stories because I know they come from pain and loneliness and a need for attention. But at the same time, it is undeniable that she is incredibly entertaining.

    • sofar

      WOW. That is some heavy stuff. Having known some adults like this, I totally get the feeling of “I hope they’re getting help,” but also “Oh hmmmm what to make of this…”

    • Jess

      Wow, that is quite the tale!

    • louise danger

      Possibly unpopular opinion: I feel weird reading a bunch of mental health-related info about a stranger (a minor) on a public Internet forum (edit: a public internet weddings forum).

      • Mary Jo TC

        Yeah, I wasn’t 100% sure about it myself. She is 18, not a minor, and I gave no info that could be used to ID her, no specific mental health info like a diagnosis or prescription. Glad to take it down if this is consensus.

        • louise danger

          that’s true, but the last two lines are “this person’s mental health symptoms and struggles sure are funny wow”

          :|

          • Mary Jo TC

            Deleted. I thought more about it and decided that it’s ok to tell stories in person, because sometimes that’s what we need to do to survive working with teenagers, but putting it on the internet is crossing a line. It’s a line I crossed because Happy Hour feels more like telling stories with girlfriends than a public internet forum, even though that’s what it is. Thanks for calling me out and making me do a gut check. Sometimes you have to cross lines to know where they are.

  • Transnonymous

    Woof, it has been a couple of weeks. Two Fridays ago, I missed Happy Hour because my husband was unexpectedly forced to quit his job. Last Friday, we both took advantage of having the day off to go hiking. We’re financially comfortable and he absolutely hated the company culture, but the timing sucked with the holidays coming up. Thankfully, this job search seems to be going better than his last and he’s already had three interviews, and the fact that he’s clearly so much happier in the day-to-day is worth it to me.

    • Jess

      Woof indeed. I’m glad that the job search is proving more fruitful and you are in a place financially where this is less of a blow.

      A day off for hiking sounds ideal!

    • suchbrightlights

      Fingers crossed! A friend of mine did a mental health quit recently as well, and it’s panned out into an excellent new opportunity. She is so much happier. I hope your husband’s experience is the same.

      • Transnonymous

        Thank you! The change in his demeanor has been immediately noticeable. I’m hoping things work out for the best.

  • RNLindsay

    I work part time as a sexual assault nurse and we are “mandatory reporters” – meaning we must report to DCF (dept of children & families) anytime we work with a patient under the age of 18 who was assaulted. So last night, I did my thing and called the hotline to report a sexual assault of a minor. The woman on the phone actually asked me “are you able to prove a sexual assault occurred?” which a) there is no way to “prove” sexual assault occurred! and b) even if there was, it’s not my job to do so. Only a jury can make the determination that the crime of sexual assault occurred. When I told her that was not a thing you could prove she goes on to say “you know – like were you able to prove she’s no longer a virgin?”. *Smacks forehead* FFS, thought that old myth was dead but guess not! It’s statements like these that just blow my mind – no wonder our society is coping so badly with all these sexual assault allegations. And also – get your shit together DCF! Train your employees better! It’s your job to record abuses!

    • Anna

      Ugh, that’s depressing. Were you eventually able to get her to record it however they’re supposed to record these things?

      • RNLindsay

        I believe so. She told me it would get “screened out” because it was peer-on-peer assault vs. an adult assaulting a minor but doesn’t matter – still entirely inappropriate.

    • Jess

      WHAT THE HELL. I am a bundle of rage over this.

    • Amy March

      Please report that call

      • RNLindsay

        Oh I did. I immediately emailed my boss who called me to discuss – her and another higher up are taking it to DCF. So inappropriate

    • Her Lindsayship

      UGHHHHH. also, thank you for the important work you do (with both patients and government agencies, evidently).

    • Whoa, that’s absolutely appalling… I would definitely report her conduct, that’s unacceptable.

    • maybemum

      I work with DCF daily, and it is just…like hitting your head against a brick wall. Fight the good fight and keeping advocating for your patients!

    • sofar

      My friend called the hotline a few years ago to report her own. The person who answered was just as awful as this person. Made me sick.

      • RNLindsay

        That’s terrible. At least I’m a neutral party educated on the topic. I can’t imagine getting those kind of responses for your own abuse.

    • suchbrightlights

      This makes me sick.

  • theteenygirl

    Anyone else feel weird about the transition from giving friends dating advice to giving friends marriage advice? I have friends who are single and dating, and I don’t even give a second thought about giving dating advice. But now my friend group is transitioning a bit. I have a friend getting married in a few months and she has been texting me things for the past couple months about her fiance’s bad attitude and bad moods and how it’s affecting her.. and I’m just really struggling with how to help her. If they were dating I’d be all about calling her on the phone and hashing it out but now that (I feel) their marriage is on the line I’m super hesitant to say anything. I really really want to suggest that they go to counselling ASAP because I’m seriously concerned about her fiance’s anger management.. but how do I bring that up? They are Catholic and did the pre-marital classes but it just sounds to me like they need to work through some more things and counselling would be the best place for it.

    • penguin

      I think counseling is fine to suggest if you guys are friends and she is asking for advice. I think it would be over the line to be like “divorce him now”.

    • Amy March

      “How are you feeling about that” is a great question to kind of see what direction she’s comfortable going with the conversation. There’s also a lot of value in asking “are you looking for advice or sympathy, cause I can do either/both.”

      • theteenygirl

        Ammyyy thank you I’m stealing those lines. Why I have had trouble coming up with that myself.. I don’t know.

        • Amy March

          I’ve got years of practice giving unsolicited advice, have to think of some ways to keep myself in check! :)

      • Zoya

        “Are you looking for advice or sympathy, cause I can do either”

        Yessss. This is gold and I use it often, in all sorts of situations.

    • ellabynight

      I often use “Have you thought about XYZ?” as a way to soft pedal a recommendation.

    • Also, like the Catholic pre-marital class I did covered very very basics but would not deal with anything other than very basic, big-picture ideas (like… discuss if you have significant debt with your spouse before marriage, talking about your feelings is good, etc) although some seem to be better than others. Very different than what I would imagine relationship counseling would be like.

  • An Onymoose

    I’m having some vendor trouble. The contract for the vendor said “[service/product] will be delivered within [deadline] after the event date.” I’m outside of that deadline now and my efforts to contact the vendor have been unsuccessful so far. I’ll keep it up, but has this happened to any of you? If so, how did you handle it?

    • Zoya

      Ugh, solidarity. We had a vendor ghost us a few months before our wedding, and were never able to get a response or get our money back. Would be curious if you find an approach that works!

    • AGCourtney

      ughhhhhh, our photographer. Thinking about it honestly still stresses me the fuck out. I just kept emailing and calling. She was at least responding, though, even though she was lying through her teeth.

    • suchbrightlights

      Are you calling, emailing, or using social media?

      I start with an email, then email + call with voicemail, then do that again, and then finally take it to Facebook or whatever. I like email for the paper trail, but some people are really bad at asynchronous communication so I try to catch them on the phone too before telling the whole internet that this vendor is bad at their job.

      • An Onymoose

        I’ve emailed a few times. Next step,probably on Monday, will be email + call. I feel like That Client a little, but we also spent a big-for-us amount of money on this vendor and would really like to get what we paid for. I’m trying to be as vague as I can be without becoming nonsensical so that I don’t affect this vendor’s online rep. The desire to minimize fallout will wane as time continues going by, though.

        • penguin

          You’re not being unreasonable – they signed a contract with you, and they should be communicating with you and actually deliver what they promised (assuming this is photos, but could be whatever). Definitely escalate it to a phone call and leave a message if they don’t answer.

      • I think anytime you can’t get a response from a business social media is a good way to “escalate.” Because it’s public facing, people and businesses are (sadly) often more responsive there.

  • maybemum

    So happy it’s Happy Hour. Sending solidarity to everyone starting the multi-family holiday shuffle. <3<3<3

    • Laura C

      Ugh, I’m sure I knew, but I had definitely blocked out that my husband will be gone to his uncle’s for Thanksgiving from early Wednesday morning (need to ask how early; like, am I taking babykin to daycare in the morning?) to Monday! Thankfully my parents will come from Wednesday to Friday, and Saturday and Sunday even if I can’t find a babysitter for a couple hours I can see about getting him into the mini-daycare at the gym and getting in a workout and a decent shower myself. But yeah, that’s going to be a long time.

      • maybemum

        That’s a lot…good luck!

    • Cellistec

      Word.

  • ssha

    I’ve been watching APW and The Love Union’s instagram stories and it looked like Meg killed it in the keynote! Way to go!

    So, I’ve been consuming a lot of feminist media lately- books, essays, podcasts- but I want to know if there’s a way to do this without being CONSTANTLY angry. I don’t want to be a constantly angry person. I’m not sure how to strike that balance. Advice welcomed.

    • Abby

      I just have to unplug. As long as I am on the internet, I will read things that help me grow but make me angry. Tactile activities (cooking, sewing, home improvement projects, playing solitaire with real cards, reading actual books) help get me back to center.

      • ssha

        SO true. Baking has been my centering activity of late. There’s something about working with you hands.

        • Anna

          Definitely. I love baking for this, too, but I always end up with way too many baked goods (I could bring in the extra for coworkers, but I really don’t want to become “the one who bakes” as one of only two female engineers on my twelve-person team…) and they go stale and then I get sad :-/ I’ve been getting back into beading and wirework as another good hands-on activity, which has been lovely (plus jewelry never goes stale haha).

          • I tend to freeze lots of stuff when I bake. I freeze the raw cookie dough for fresh cookies later, and freeze scones, cupcakes (without icing), muffins, cinnamon rolls (with icing), etc. It has always worked our well for me so far! Then I can enjoy them here and there instead of all at once. :)

    • Sarah E

      Try reading fiction with a feminist bent or strong female characters. Total morale-booster because in fiction we get to win. Bonus points for sci-fi/fantasy where we get to win AND have our super powers properly recognized.

      • ssha

        I love this suggestion. I recently read the graphic novel Nimona by Noelle Stevenson, and it was great for this.

        • LikeaBell

          Seconding the Nimona recommendation! <3

      • Anna

        Yes yes yes. I love everything Tamora Pierce has ever written for this, and I recently read The Power by Naomi Alderman (I think?) and while I’m not sure the book entirely sticks the landing overall, the premise is EXTREMELY satisfying.

        • Lexipedia

          Tamora Pierce is basically my favorite – did you see she had a new book come out last month?!

          • Anna

            The Spy’s Guide thing, you mean? I decided not to buy it because it doesn’t seem to have much in the way of new stories, just “history” etc about Tortall (also cool, but I’ll check it out at the library at some point haha). I’m real excited for the Numair chronicles though :D

      • GCDC

        Oooo yes, second this. Also, if you want to watch (rather than read), may I suggest Crazy Ex-Girlfriend?

        • Man, I’m a fan of that show but it has definitely been the opposite of escapism the last couple weeks.

    • Zoya

      Ahhhhh people who can do this, share your secrets. I am furious and despairing and voraciously feminist-media-consuming these days, and it’s making it hard to function sometimes.

    • MC

      Listen to Thirst Aid Kit podcast, which is all about lust and sexy sexy people, but from the perspective of two black feminist women. Feminist but not depressing! I was listening to one episode on a plane last weekend and laughed/cackled very loudly when they were talking about Mark Ruffalo’s chest hair. So maybe don’t listen in public? But it’s good.

    • I have to hit a real imput-output balance with these things… I find that if all I’m doing is consuming/”consciousness raising” (to use a retro term) I start get really f*cked up, but when I add more doing things – even small things like calling my reps – to the mix it makes everything a lot easier to metabolize.

    • Mary Jo TC

      Recs for feminist podcasts?

      • Eenie

        I really like the DoubleX Gabfest by Slate. The best part is the slate plus segment where they subjectively rate how sexist something is on a scale of 1-10, and then they average the three scores. They get the math wrong so frequently if they don’t all agree on a number.

      • flashphase

        Call Your Girlfriend, She’s All Fat, The Mash-Up Americans, 2 Dope Queens. Also I’ve been enjoying the female founder interview’s on NPR’s How I Built This.

        • MC

          Love this list and I also love: Another Round, Feminasty, Still Processing (from the NYTimes)

      • AP

        If you’re a person of faith (and even if you’re not) I have a podcast with a colleague called Kindreds where we explore feminist issues with a faith (Christian) lens/ faith issues with a feminist lens, depending on the topic. We’re on iTunes and kindredspodcast.com has a list of our episodes with resources and descriptions! After the election, I was trying to figure out how to channel my thoughts/energy and decided talking to an audience that I’m part of (progressive Christian women) that tends to be left out of larger conversations about feminism might be a good outlet.

        ETA: We’re also both based in southern states, so might be relevant to TN as well!

        • ssha

          AP! I’ve been wanting to tell you that I’ve been listening and I’m your biggest fan! I almost put that in my recommendation comment but it felt weird!

          • AP

            Wow, thanks so much! It has been so much fun making it! Yeah, I’ve been debating whether or not to make a wide announcement here, but I feel squicky about demolishing my privacy like that. But it seems like there are some folks here who could probably relate, so I just pop in and recommend it where it feels appropriate:)

      • ssha

        I’ve been listening to Secret Feminist Agenda, which for Witch, Please fans is a natural next step as it’s Hannah McGregor’s podcast where she interviews other feminists.

  • AGCourtney

    Haha, it’s amazing how much this not being posted at the usual time threw me off! I finally gave up and taught a couple more subjects to my daughter and stopped back upstairs to check. xD

    Highlights of my weekend:
    *Saw a lovely production of The Drowsy Chaperone at the local high school
    *Witnessed how so many people involved with the production who had also done
    Pirates this summer were so happy to see my daughter again – she got her hair done during intermission :)
    *Found a perfect (and cheap!) dresser nearby to replace my daughter’s broken one, cleaned it and lined it with pretty paper and got it upstairs by myself
    *Got the old, HEAVY dresser downstairs and in the garage all by myself (out of sheer spite???)
    *My husband’s face when he got home and realized I had accomplished this on my own (impressed? terrified? both?)

    This week, though, depression has been kicking my ass. BUT then last night I said, screw it, I’m going to play. I played Civ 6 for the first time since January. I felt alive again and it was wonderful.

    Oh! And homeschooling highlights, since it’s finals at the college I work at. (Working til 3am tonight, woo!) We wrapped up our unit on Ancient Egypt, are on the 12th Magic Tree House book, she can count to 100 in
    Spanish, and can name all 50 states on the map. :D

    • Les

      Yay sweet high schoolers, productivity and the power of Civ6!

    • Anna

      Can relate to the depression ass-kicking and the relief/glee of finally finding something that’s enjoyable after a long interval of gray. Also very impressed by your dresser project :-)

  • Elizabeth

    We are getting unsolicited flack for having our wedding on a Sunday and I’m chucking my urge to care so hard into the Fuck It Bucket the damn thing is spinning.

    I’m so sorry our open bar and free dinner balls-out dance party is inconveniencing you.

    • Jess

      I am not here for complaining guests. If you don’t want to come on a Sunday, DON’T COME. This is not a royal summons and you are an adult.

      A simple “Yes I’ll make it!” or “Sorry, I won’t be able to be there” is all that is required.

    • penguin

      We had our wedding on a Sunday! People suck, they’ll complain about anything. Our wedding was a daytime one so some people at least thanked us for that cause it made it easier to travel.

    • Savannah

      We’re a Sunday and someone who isn’t even on the invite list heard this and complained about it to me?? People are the worst.

    • Rose

      I don’t really get why people think Sunday wedding is so much less convenient? If I were travelling for a Saturday wedding, I’d take Friday off for traveling, enjoy the wedding on Saturday, and then head home on Sunday. For a Sunday wedding, presumably I’d travel Saturday, enjoy the wedding on Sunday, and then head home on Monday. Either way, just one day off. Anyway, even if they do think it’s less convenient, they should stop complaining to you. Ugh.

      • Amy March

        If you’re not traveling though, I do think having to go to work the next morning tends to dull the enthusiasm for a drinking and dancing extravaganza. Which is fine, but don’t share that feeling.

        • Rose

          Ah, that does make more sense. I guess I’m just so used to travelling, I wasn’t thinking about that.

        • lamarsh

          Yep! The only Sunday wedding I’ve attended was local. All the local folks peaced around 9pm, but everyone who traveled was getting after it. It was pretty funny how easily you could tell which group people belonged to.

        • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

          That just means you have a lower-key wedding. Which is the marrying couple’s call to make, not the guests’.

          • Amy March

            Yeah totally. Im just saying I do get why some people find them less convenient.

          • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

            Oh, we’re definitely in agreement.

    • suchbrightlights

      If they don’t want to come, I will. If it’s that big of a pain in their necks, they can… not come? And bonus points for keeping it to themselves?

    • Zoya

      <3 for "Fuck It Bucket"

      Also, another Sunday wedding-er here. It was the best. Flack-givers can bug right off.

    • Les

      There is no way to win… if it’s on a Saturday, people complain that they have to take Friday off to travel. If it’s a Sunday, same thing of Monday. Only solution? 3-day weekends forever!!!!!!

    • Amy March

      Ugh people. Have to work Monday? Fine. Don’t overly partake of the open bar, join in for a dance or two and leave. Problem solved.

    • ruth

      Sorry to hear you’re getting flack – we had our wedding on a Sunday because 1) it was WAY cheaper (like 30% cheaper at our venue) to have a Sunday vs. a Saturday wedding and 2) so some observant Jewish family members would be able to attend since they couldn’t on a Saturday. People still gave us crap – even when we explained our reasons above – because people suck. Meg had a great essay on here a while back entitled “your wedding is not an imposition” – it’s worth searching and reading, or re-reading. Yes, we had guests who weren’t able to come because Sunday, yes we had guests who had to leave early after the ceremony and not stay for the awesome dance party because Sunday, but that’s fine – again, people have a CHOICE – your wedding is not an imposition. Good luck!

    • I’m so sorry that is happening. In most cases, as a guest I’m taking a day off for your wedding. If its a Friday wedding, possibly two. What does it matter if the day off is the day before or the day after?

    • Rachel

      The one Sunday wedding we went to was Labor Day Weekend and that was such a win-win for that couple – cheaper Sunday prices and most people were off Monday anyway. We thought about doing the same thing until we decided on a ten-guest destination. Heads up for anyone planning a late summer/fall wedding!

      I feel like weddings and how they work, what they look like, how they are run, etc., is all changing rapidly and the boundaries of what constitutes a “wedding” are expanding, and some people (mostly older relatives) just can’t keep up and don’t realize the costs of weddings these days. It’s not what they are used to or what they would do (they think, anyway), so they push back. Unsolicited flack is the worst, I’m so sorry you are dealing with that.

      • Elizabeth

        We had a bridesmaid tell us to schedule our wedding for Labor Day weekend (also one of the people giving the hardest Sunday flack). My brother got married Labor Day weekend a few years ago, but that weekend is between our birthdays, and I’d prefer to spread out joyous events out lol. Also Labor Day around here is disgustingly hot, and I want a wintery wedding.

    • EF

      um just hear to say that in my very jewish friend group, i was the weird [not jewish] one with a saturday wedding. all the others were on sundays…cause you know, not the sabbath.

      so would these people complain if you were having a jewish wedding and it were on a sunday? like come on. who cares what day it is. no fucks bucket for sure.

      • Amy CT

        Marrying in to a Jewish family; having the only Saturday wedding in history

  • penguin

    My dad is back in the hospital, and has been in the ER going on 24 hours now. He has had ongoing issues with a wound on his foot (diabetes), and this week his knee started swelling. He was limping around and still trying to work, and then finally filed for short term disability and went to his appointment at the hospital. They sent him to the ER and I have no idea why they haven’t put him in a room yet, since he’s just on an IV. Going there after work to see him, I hope he’s OK.

    We were supposed to be hosting Thanksgiving for my side of the family tomorrow. Since it looks like he’ll be in the hospital all weekend, my brother and I are going to cook at their house instead since it’s closer to the hospital, and hopefully we can bring him food. It just sucks – he’s been dealing with this for so long, and I’m afraid he’s going to end up losing his foot. One clinic told him it was time to amputate, so he went to another one for a second opinion and they gave him antibiotics and sent him home (this was months ago).

    • Abby

      Hugs! So sorry you & he are going through this.

    • AGCourtney

      Oh no! I’m so sorry to hear this. D:

    • Jess

      I hope everything with your dad goes ok, and that if they do decide it’s necessary to operate he can recover well. Sending all the healing thoughts in the world.

    • Zoya

      So sorry to hear that. :(

    • suchbrightlights

      So sorry to read this- I’ll be keeping him and your family in my thoughts.

    • Yael

      I hope he gets better soon!

    • theteenygirl

      So sorry to hear this :(
      I hope everything goes okay. My grandfather has diabetes and I think I always thought it wasn’t that big of a deal but then things like this happen and it’s really scary.

      • penguin

        Right it never really hit me that it was a big thing – he knew he had it for several years and everything was OK, then this escalated really quickly. Thankfully he doesn’t live alone so he has people to check on him and kick his butt to the hospital/doctor when needed.

    • Violet

      Oh no, I’m so sorry Penguin.

    • RNLindsay

      As an ER nurse, I apologize on that hospital’s behalf for his lengthy stay! It unfortunately happens sometimes, as there’s a lot of factors that go in to bed availability on the floors. He should be (I hope!) still receiving the same level of care while in the ER though!

      • penguin

        Thank you! I hope he gets a room soon, as otherwise I’m afraid he’ll just go home, leg be damned.

    • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

      :( Good luck to your dad! Good on everybody for being flexible.

    • ssha

      That sounds so stressful, I’m so sorry!

    • bananafanafofana

      Good luck! I’m so sorry.

    • Oh, no, I’m so sorry! Any updates?

      • penguin

        He’s doing well, I saw him this weekend. They finally got him a room Friday so he wasn’t in the ER anymore. He’s hoping to be out sometime today. Thank you for checking!

        • Oh, I’m so glad he’s doing better, and I hope he got out today!

        • Jess

          *big exhale of relief* I hope he’s home today!

          • penguin

            He got discharged yesterday!! I’m really happy. Although he’s dumb and is going to drive out of state on that foot to go celebrate Thanksgiving, but what can you do.

  • We picked a date! (10/12/18) We got our engagement photos done and I can’t wait to see them! We have tentatively booked a place for our reception. With all those pieces in place, I feel like we can defer all other planning into the new year. I feel good about where we are at for now. Yay!

    • suchbrightlights

      I know four people who have been married over that “second weekend in October” (not counting Penguin!) and they’ve all had glorious weather. I hope that holds true for you also!

      • Eenie

        It’s apparently one of the most popular wedding dates in the south.

      • Thank you! Me too! Because I know some of the planning includes a potential rain plan for our ceremony. (Boo!) I’m hoping we don’t need it!

      • penguin

        It’s a great weekend to get married!!

    • louise danger

      yay almost-date-twin! (10/13 this year)

    • Jane

      Those are some of the biggest things!! We took a big wedding planning break (except that I was always doing crafts – but I was always going to be doing crafts) after we had nailed down a few key vendors and it was great. Good for you!

  • Rose

    So, a week or two ago I was talking about how I think the next phase of my career has to be a postdoc, which I don’t particularly want to do (in order to get into the jobs I really really do want). I finally emailed my PhD advisor to talk to him about that and ask for general advice, and in the last line of his answer he managed to write the one sentence that completely invoked all of my anxiety about research in general, being a grad student, and being a postdoc eventually. I’d even been starting to get excited about some specific postdoc opportunities, but now I’m just anxious about all of it again and don’t even want to think about any of it. Thanks, advisor, you really know how to be helpful.

    • Anna

      What about a postdoc is unappealing to you, and what sorts of jobs do you really want? My experience growing up surrounded by academics (although I’m not in academia myself) definitely made it seem like a postdoc is basically like a grad student but with more autonomy and responsibility (and how much more depends on the lab). Hopefully you can get back to excitement about the specific opportunities :-) PhD advisors can be very focused on the exact path through academia they took, which can be useful sometimes but also very rigid…

      • Rose

        I want to teach at a liberal arts college (which is what I’m doing now, but it’s just for a year). I love teaching. I find research at a major level makes me really anxious–I made it through grad school, but I wasn’t terribly happy there. My impression of how most postdocs are is about the same as yours–but that’s exactly what it’s not what I most want to do.

        • Anna

          Ah, are there more teaching-oriented postdocs or postdoc-like programs? I’m not really familiar with that side of things, but is there someone besides your PhD advisor who you could ask about this (like some sort of mentor in your current teaching position)?

          • Rose

            There are! I haven’t seen any ads posted for any of them yet this year (I applied for some last year, but ended up with this visiting position instead), but it’s definitely a possibility! And I’m lucky that I do have other mentors who are in the kinds of jobs I want. And my advisor does unquestionably mean well and want to help me out, so in the scale of bad advisors I shouldn’t evne complain.

          • Anna

            You still get to complain when your well-meaning advisor is inadvertently unhelpful :-) but I’m glad your advising situation isn’t irredeemably terrible.

          • Katie

            I have an acquaintance who is a postdoctoral fellow at an IRACDA institution and her fellowship has an official teaching component! https://www.nigms.nih.gov/Training/CareerDev/Pages/TWDInstRes.aspx

        • Charley

          I’m not sure what field you’re in, but in mine (ecology/physical science related), doing a postdoc is the norm if you want to go into a big research university as faculty, but there are also lots of faculty positions at smaller schools who are much more teaching focused. I’ve had a couple friends go straight from PhDs into those kind of teaching faculty positions at smaller non-research-focused colleges.
          I’d also recommend signing up for any mailing lists in your subject area, there are two relevant to my subject area that I signed up for and I’ve come across lots of these kind of posts advertised on the list that I wouldn’t have seen otherwise. And don’t put too much stock in what your advisor says, they’re only one person. There are many paths to success in academia. Best of luck with your continuing job search.

    • Jenny

      Current post doc here, and I have to say I’m really enjoying it. Though all the moves for my education/career and knowing I have at least 1 more is definately not that awesome. I did end up with an industry (research group) job offer, but decided I wanted to continue with academia for a little while before I took it off the table.

    • bananafanafofana

      I’m sorry. My advisors were also awful (as in, don’t even really believe in bothering to give advice–if you are good enough you’ll “just be a success”) and it sucks. Do you have any friends you can rely on? Or friends who have been in postdocs that can talk to you about it? I’m not in the sciences so I don’t know if that matters, but it was SO comforting to take a postdoc in an area I did know people in (and honestly I would have fallen out of the academy long ago if I hadn’t had them to talk it through with.)

  • Anna

    Ughhhh thanks largely to various mental health issues and the trial-and-error of treating them, most of the last two weeks I’ve been in a completely unproductive fog. Like, hiding in a corner of the office playing Tetris for hours because actual work is just Too Hard. Fortunately yesterday afternoon and today I finally managed to break through and get some shit done, which was incredibly exciting :D (and I’ve learned over time to overpromise a bit less, so I’m not actually as far behind on work as I could be)

    Nonetheless, super looking forward to getting a break – and hopefully a bit of a brain reset – for Thanksgiving next week. We’re going to my in-laws (since we did my family last year), which will be lovely as long as Husband’s awful paternal grandparents don’t show up, and will probably manage to be pleasant even if they’re there. I’m making my family apple pie recipe, since the ILs don’t normally do apple pie (just pumpkin) and apple pie is the absolute top requirement for me for it to feel like Thanksgiving.

    I’m a little sad to be missing my mom’s enormous Thanksgiving, but since she’s a lot closer, I’m going out to see her the first week of December and we’re going to see the local production of the Nutcracker that my sister and I were in when we did ballet growing up :-)

    • Transnonymous

      I totally get mental health issues drowning productivity and you’re not alone in having days where it’s too hard to do something besides float. Glad you were able to be productive yesterday!

      • Anna

        It’s usually one or two days a month for me, but the last couple weeks have just been an inexplicable struggle. The return to productivity is always such a good feeling, which knowing that sometimes makes it feel even worse when I just can’t – like, “you KNOW it’ll feel good if you just sit down and work on this, and you STILL can’t make yourself do it, wow, what a lazy fuck” and all that negative self-talk… Very glad to be on the other side of this particular downswing.

    • ssha

      Ahh, going to the Nutcracker! Gives me nostalgic cozy thoughts. Have fun!

      • Yael

        I love the Nutcracker with all my heart and soul.

      • Anna

        Oh man, all the cozy nostalgia :-) I’ve been listening to the music on repeat while working yesterday and today, and I honestly think that’s a big part of what’s gotten me back to productivity xD

        • Rose

          Oh man, Nutcracker, that’s what I need to be listening to right now. I can totally break my personal no-Christmas-music-before-Thanksgiving rule if it’s in the name of actually getting something done today, right?

          • Anna

            Abso-fucking-lutely.

            Plus I barely consider the Nutcracker to be Christmas music because the aforementioned production is always a few weeks before Christmas anyway, haha :-)

          • Rose

            Yep! It’s mostly a rule to keep me from over-listening, since otherwise I’d listen until I was sick of it and then regret that.

    • Yael

      Solidarity. I posted last week about battling low-grade depression because of US politics and it finally sort of started to break, and I’m being productive, but I’m not being super productive all the things I need to be productive on, just some of them. Still, momentum is a thing.

    • Jess

      Oof I have been in that fog.

      Go you for making apple pie! Sometimes we have to bring a little bit of our own holiday with us.

  • Jenny

    I kind of can’t believe thanksgiving is next week. Like I keep being all, why is everyone sending out all these reminders about when the admin office is closing for Thanksgiving, and plans for holiday stuff. I think because we aren’t really hosting anyone this year, and our lives have been a constant traveling insanity for the last 3 months it just hasn’t hit me. But I made up a mini menu for us and a grocery list, and I’m super pumped that I’m getting to see my husband again next Wednesday. His arrival will mark the last time we have to spend more than a week apart until he finally graduates and moves up here with us for good. As a creature of routine (and as a mom of a kid who is not adapting that well to all the non routineness), I’m super looking forward to Dec 20th when we all arrive here for good and all the moving and apartness is over. 28 days until we are together again and only 13 days apart total left.

    • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

      Yeah, it definitely occurred to me *yesterday* that I should prooooobly go ahead and buy a turkey for Inlaw Thanksgiving next weekend. Cheers on seein yer fella!

    • ssha

      With you on the “Thanksgiving in NEXT WEEK?” nonsense.
      Yay for being in the same place for good, soon!

  • Eh

    So after my crappy week last week, I had a lovely three day weekend (which included sending my daughter to daycare on Monday and spending half the day with my husband before he went to work). I am now trying to mentally prepare for being busy almost every weekend between now and New Years. And that’s just the things that are currently scheduled. The good news is I only have two presents left to buy (important since I have to ship half of the gifts across Canada).

  • lamarsh

    My husband and I are going to Munich and Salzburg next week for Thanksgiving(!). I mostly have the tourist activities sorted out, but if anyone has recommendations for food and drinks (or anything off the beaten path) I am all ears!

    • Yael

      Yay Thanksgiving in Germany! I have no recommendations since I’ve not yet been to either place but enjoy!

    • BSM

      Ahhh, two of my favorite places in Europe! Are you taking a train between the two? We did that last year and it was gorgeous.

      • lamarsh

        Yes! It’ll be our first time in both places. We are spending two nights in Munich, training to Salzburg and spending one night there, and then training back to Munich. It’s such a quick train ride!

        • BSM

          I agree! So much more pleasant (and pretty!) than going to the airport. Have a fabulous time!!

    • LazyMountain

      So it’s been a LONG time, but one of my favorite things when visiting that area was Lake Konigssee, which is a GORGEOUS alpine lake in Berchtesgaden National Park. Yes you can go see Hitler’s Eagle’s Nest nearby, but instead why don’t you take a lovely boat ride to a Bavarian hunting camp at the far end of the lake, where you can gaze at mountains, look for elk, and enjoy some beer and spaetzle? The lake is reachable by bus from Salzburg too.

    • sage

      I looooooved Munich, even though I was only there for about 36 hours back in August. Not sure how tolerable the weather will be, but my favorite part was just settling into a biergarten for an afternoon of day drinking and snacking on sausage/pretzel/whatever. Have fun!!

  • Sarah E

    Going to Hawaii all next week!!! This trip is supposed to be (and likely will be) the highlight of an otherwise dumpster bucket year. I’ve been unemployed for months, which has wreaked havoc on my mental wellbeing. Even with the much reduced income, we decided not to sacrifice the trip because omgweneedit. Partner has had a very stressful semester of work, too. So relaxation, here we come!

    • BSM

      Hawaii right now sounds incredible! Which island are you going to? Have many, many piña coladas for me, please.

      • Sarah E

        One night in Honolulu, then spending the whole time on the Big Island for maximum relax/see things balance, minimum island-hopping. I hope to have super fresh pineapple DAILY

        • Love the Big Island (Honolulu is partner’s hometown, so we’ve been lucky to get around to the other islands a bit). A few recommendations:
          Two Ladies Kitchen in Hilo for AMAZING mochi (strawberry daifuku is my favorite)
          Da Poke Shack in Kailua-Kona for amazing poke (spicy ahi is delish)
          Captain Cook Monument is a fantastic place to do some snorkeling (I’ve seen turtles there on multiple occasions)

          • Sarah E

            Awesome, I’ll add those to our map, thanks!!

    • lamarsh

      Thank you for the reminder to read the Cardi B article – I love pretty much anything Allison P. Davis writes.

      • RNLindsay

        :)

    • Zoya

      OMG that Wired story. I was thisclose to throwing my computer out the window after reading it.

      • AP

        I just finished it. Holy sh$t. Burn it all down.

    • RNLindsay

      “I know her! I know her!” re: the author of the Cardi B article. Glad her writing is getting around!

      • lamarsh

        That’s amazing! She is so talented and funny. (please see my comment like 2 comments down)

    • Rebekah

      YES thank you for the Fantastic Beasts article. I hate that I was tricked into seeing him in the first movie and I won’t be spending any money on the rest of it until they replace him (and I’m a HUGE Potter fan)

  • Eenie

    We did a family photo shoot with our cats last night, and it went about as well as expected. I had our bedroom door closed because our one cat likes to hide under our king bed. Well my husband didn’t close it properly when he went to change his clothes, so the cat got under. We had to pull the mattress and box spring off. Which terrorized him, and he looks like he wants to kill us in almost every photo. My other cat decided he needed to poop TWICE during the 30 minute shoot. We got some nice and cute photos of just us outside, and my husband was really glad we did it after the fact.

    I think we got a couple shots that will work for our “Happy Mew Year” card. I’m excited to get the photos back from the photographer.

    • suchbrightlights

      This sounds like the natural state of photo shoots with cats. I am laughing, and I hope that you were too.

      • Eenie

        It was a blast! I really wanted to memorialize our little family of four – we have pictures of our cats, and pictures of us with our cats, but never all four of us. Our one cat is already 8 years old!

        Our one cat consented to be held for close to 15 minutes, which is so rare for him!

        • suchbrightlights

          I am so jealous. I thought about family photos with our cats and dog. The cats would not stand for it, and it would all end in blood.

          • Eenie

            We inspired our photographer to do a photo shoot with her cat and dog! We used our same wedding photographer 1.5 years after our wedding. It was nice to get some updated professional photos. Plus she has gotten EVEN BETTER in the last year and brought out her bag of tricks for some fun shots.

    • Lexipedia

      Beds – I don’t know why they are so exciting!

  • Kate

    The #metoo wave (including public takedowns of abusers) has been simultaneously crushing and uplifting. While I’m not ready to go public as a survivor, I have been reflecting a lot on times I have been witness/bystander. Last week I reported a tip to crime stoppers about a middle school teacher who touched girls while I was in school. This week I talked to a detective about an acquaintance who has been making ominous threats online. I decided someone had to say something, before this guy becomes the next mass shooter. Have y’all been spurred to action? Anyone make a report about something they witnessed but didn’t necessarily experience?

    • Jess

      Wow, I am really moved and uplifted by your actions! Thank you for stepping up and in where necessary.

    • RNLindsay

      Thanks for your actions! Sometimes starting small is what it takes

  • Lexipedia

    Insurance check came through and I cashed it in our new JOINT BANK ACCOUNT this afternoon. I also got an email asking for my feedback on our experience with the insurance company and I’m trying to decide how critical to be.

    Also, bridesmaid question – I’m having some (likely irrational) feels about my three-person bridal party. They are all friends, and I’m 100% sure that no disagreements are going on behind the scenes, but they aren’t being as excited/emotionally interested as I would’ve expected and it’s making me feel a little down. And by “as I would’ve expected” I mean at all. We’re <6 months out, so this isn't insanely in advance, but the response has been pretty lackluster to the two joint emails and one Facebook chat thread I've tried over the past five months. I haven't asked for any help with anything, but maybe less than five questions about their thoughts on a color or idea to try and talk about pretty things have gone unanswered. Knowing them all I expected a little more enthusiasm and I'm feeling a bit sad about it. Any ideas?

    • savannnah

      Do you have one person in the bridal party you can enlist to be your hype girl? Sometimes you just need one person to rally the troops into excitement. Also think about what that would look like for you? Do you want an active group chat in the months leading up to the wedding? What exactly do you feel you are missing from them and is it actionable and is it reasonable? I will also say that my bridesmaids did a lot of talking, planning and getting excited behind the scenes that I wasn’t privy to at all- they had their own FB group without me- and I was kinda like hey I want in!

      • Lexipedia

        I would’ve expected my MoH to be that person, but she doesn’t seem to be. I’ve seen her be MoH in another wedding and she was all about the pinterest boards, flower colors, whatever so it makes me feel a little sad that nobody answered my really low-expectation two emails or few messages. We are all far apart, which makes me feel a little lonely, but I’d love if they would just chat with me occasionally about things and seem at all interested.

        They have suggested a bachelorette trip (they decided on a/the destination themselves, have independently confirmed multiple times that they are excited and ok with the cost), but still haven’t chosen a weekend and the first option they suggested is in two months. Otherwise I’m not doing a shower, and I’m paying for all of their bridesmaid-y things so there isn’t any pressure there.

        • penguin

          Have you tried chatting with them one on one? I wonder if that would get better results.

          • Lexipedia

            We talk about normal day-to-day things, but wedding questions have been a dud. It makes me sad because I’ve seen all of them enthusiastically bridesmaid in other cases.

            I don’t question our closeness, but I feel a little sad that they don’t seem to care about this. I’ve held off being demanding, or asking questions beyond “what do you think about this thing?” for fear of too much pressure, but even then it doesn’t seem to work.

          • Jess

            My advice is always to be straightforward with what you want.

            Asking your friends to indulge you by pretending to be excited about feather centerpiece arrangements/glitter napkins/playing ALL the Ke$ha songs at your wedding once a month is not too much.

        • savannnah

          This might not be what is going on but sometimes when brides oversimplify traditional or possible bridesmaids duties (or even if you’ve put out that vibe) bridesmaids can back off and think that their input might not be needed or welcome. I’m only mentioning this because you’ve mentioned twice about ‘pressure’ and that might not be how they feel about being a bridesmaid. I’m wondering if you were worried about them feeling overburdened and somehow signaled to them that they don’t have to do anything when actually you want them to do something.

          • lamarsh

            This is really good advice. Also, are there other people you could talk to about the wedding? My MOH planned a great bachelorette and is my best friend, but she really was not in the headspace to talk about my wedding as much as I would have wanted, so instead I talked to my mom, a friend who really likes weddings, and another one of my bridesmaids who loves planning.

    • Amy March

      Try one on one communications? A phone call?

      • Lexipedia

        We talk separately about normal day-to-day things, but wedding questions haven’t sparked much interest.

        Should I say something about feeling let down or disappointed?

        • penguin

          Maybe just ask them directly if they mind talking to you about wedding stuff cause you’re excited about it? I’d see what they say at that point.

          • Zoya

            Yeah, this. I actually confided in few folks in the months before the wedding that I was having a hard time getting in the spirit, and that the biggest help they could provide was in getting excited about it and helping pump everyone up. Worked like a charm. :)

        • Amy March

          No, I think that’s a bit dramatic. Maybe try “Hey I’m super into napkin colors right now- indulge me with 5 minutes of convo about this?”

          • planning

            i think this is the right track to take. If I were your bridesmaid, I’d be very excited for you and to stand up in your wedding and to participate in a bachelorette party and shower and whatever else you’ve got, but I would not be excited for the brainstorm-y kinds of things it sounds like you’ve asked the group for. I think a specific ask to a specific person that emphasizes that *you* want to talk about the specific topic will get you better results–I’d be there to do that for you even if I don’t really have anything to personally add on the “What should we do for napkin colors?” question up-front.

          • Jess

            Can confirm this works. I did this regularly during my wedding planning and it helps SO much.

  • Jane

    Send me some good luck/vibes please! California bar results come out in a few hours and I am so nervous and distracted and swinging violently between beating myself up over all the time I spent on craft projects when I could have been studying and giving myself credit for studying for the bar while working full time, planning my wedding, and conducting a (succesful) out-of-state job search.
    AND it doesn’t really matter if I passed because it’s enough for my current job that I’m licensed in another state. But still. I spent so much time and money on this test and everyone knew I was taking it and I will just feel terrible if it was all for nothing.
    Ok. Now I have to try to get back to work (which I’m so grateful to have!), especially because, pass or not, I don’t think I’m going to want to work late after I find out my results and I have projects to finish.

    • Yael

      Good luck!

    • Eenie

      Please report back! Good luck :)

    • Cleo

      So many good vibes! The California bar is a nasty thing. When I took it, I was ONLY working a full time job while studying – I can’t believe you were searching for another job and planning a wedding. You deserved time doing those craft projects! They probably kept you sane.

      You’ll be great!

      And if you fail, you don’t need the certification. It will always be there when you want it. If you want to take it again.

      • Jane

        At least I got to take the new 2-day version. But seriously bummed they didn’t change the passing score. And also irritated that they dangled that in front of us.

    • Laura C

      Good luck. So stressful.

    • Transnonymous

      Best of luck!

    • Anna

      Best of luck with the results and with finishing things early – not having to work after getting the results is definitely a good idea. I was very glad that I ended up hearing about the results of my recent promotion attempt at the very end of a day – it was a no, and I was glad that I could go get angry-drunk right after, but if it had been a yes I would’ve wanted to go get celebratory (somewhat less) drunk anyway haha.

      • Jane

        Exactly

    • suchbrightlights

      I hope that if you take yourself for an after-work treat, it is in celebration! Fingers crossed!

      And especially if your crafting served a mental health need, it was an investment, not a detriment.

    • Cellistec

      All the good vibes! Fingers crossed for you!

    • JC

      It’s going to be great!!

      • JC

        You did it!

    • Les

      YEAH!!

    • Amy March

      Yay congrats!

    • Congrats!

    • penguin

      Congratulations!!

    • Jess

      YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY PASS!!!!!!!!!

    • =)

      WOOHOO! CONGRATS!

  • suchbrightlights

    Last week I asked fellow October people if their pictures had come in yet, and then two hours after that I was standing in line at the grocery store and saw the email that OUR PHOTOS WERE DONE A WEEK EARLY. And they are phenomenal. We picked our photographer more on personality than portfolio- I liked his pictures just fine, but it was more important to me that we feel like our photographer was a friend with artistic chops whom we were happy to have at our wedding so that the whole photo business didn’t feel performative. First of all, he and his wife (they’re a team) were awesome, and second, these pictures. Hit it absolutely out of the park.

    This is going to be the cover of all of our albums.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/391de3e84ad50ac63f7dd712dd323bf3fd3b4ab3d1e201b5328f3b5445a07b69.jpg

    I have my fabulous friends/bridespeople to thank for this photo. My good friend C (bridesmaid) called my sister (MOH) in the day or two after I got out of the hospital to confirm that I would find this funny. Then C, my sister, and C’s husband (bridesman) came up with enough crutches, slings, etc. to outfit the whole bridal party. I laughed until I had to be held up. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e9ced25cc602b055303cbfc90c164cd09f52a9a1cafd4a7d79ee0c91b77eaeb9.jpg

    How lucky am I to have married a man who makes me smile like this every day?
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b565c4d3ade1dbf5200a095d32cb277a7936f4adf863bc1091ae0b1c9cd4d063.jpg

    • penguin

      Ugh all your pictures are STUNNING! We’re still waiting on our photos, but she estimated 4-6 weeks and we’re barely 4 weeks out so I just need to be patient haha. Definitely a good choice of photographer!!

      • suchbrightlights

        I understand that it is possible to “pre-buy” albums from some photo book vendors, or get a gift certificate to do the same thing, so it might be that you can get a good Black Friday deal on photo albums even though you don’t have yours yet. (I am currently mired in MAKE THE ALBUMS BEFORE NEXT FRIDAY because coupons and sales, so this is relevant to me.)

        • savannnah

          I did not even think about black Friday sales for albums!!

          • penguin

            I didn’t either, thanks!!

          • suchbrightlights

            Shutterfly has their hardcover albums on 50% off sale through Monday, and I’m thinking we probably won’t do better than that price. My cousins got their parents’ albums through Shutterfly and they did a really nice job. We’re considering getting a big fat high end one for ourselves.

          • Jane

            That’s good to hear about Shutterfly. I’ve been trying to compare quality online for all the sites APW has been showcasing but it is sooo difficult without actually holding all the different finished products.

          • suchbrightlights

            I ordered our Shutterfly albums last night, and they should be in next week. We went with Shutterfly for our parents’ albums and did a standard hard cover book with lay flat pages. For our own we will order a hgher-end “Hudson” album from AdoramaPix as for what we were looking for, they had the best combination of cost and features. If you’re interested in either one of those vendors, I’d be happy to update once ours come in.

          • Jane

            Definitely would love updates! Let me know.

        • suchbrightlights

          For those who are doing photo gifts for the holidays: AdoramaPix has 30% off their entire site (which made our fancy leather covered flush-mount layflat photo album about $100) and Shutterfly is still at 50% off hardcover books and 40% off everything else.

    • AGCourtney

      Ahhhhhhh these are amazing!!!

    • ssha

      Adorable!

    • Zoya

      That crutches picture, and the story behind it, were exactly what I needed to see today. Great photos!!

    • BSM

      OMG your dress!!!!!

    • kayceeee

      These are gorgeous! The light in the first one is the best not to mention the background as well! We have a couple more weeks until we get ours, but I’m chomping at the bit at this point. I just want them all so I can get albums ordered for holiday gifts!

    • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

      The happiness in these photos is infectious!

  • savannnah

    We found a cute neighborhood in Portland this past weekend to move to! It was not downtown after all which was far too expensive for far too little apartment. I realized I wanted my 900 sq ft over being able to walk to everything- now we can just walk to most things and drive/bike to a few. Also I’ve never owned a dog but it seems to be a requirement for moving to Portland so we are talking about it- I might like to have another creature in town when my husband is away during the workweek but I have a super low tolerance for hair everywhere and get pretty grossed out by peoples houses that have pets- so maybe not. Also thinking about joining an interfaith young married peoples Jewish group when we get out there as a way to make new friends, something we are both really stressed out about. For this weekend though we are going to a big friendsgiving in Boston and planning our farewell tour of NYC Chinatown next weekend.

    • BSM

      Re: dog, what about a mix that doesn’t shed (but then requires haircuts)?

      • savannnah

        I’d be into that- I’ll need to do some homework. My sister has a pit mix which seems to shed less but doesn’t get haircuts. My husband wants a border collie so he can live out his we live on a farm fantasy which is not what is happening in any dimension of reality.

        • Sara

          I have a cockapoo who barely sheds but he does need haircuts about the same frequency I do. Especially since he’s overdramatic and feels like he gets overheated all the time. Anything mixed with a poodle (which is all the rage anyway) will be your friend on this. If you get one less dramatic than mine, you can get away with shaggier hair and less haircuts.

    • CP2011

      I would hold off on adopting a dog until you’re more settled in PDX. You’ll probably want to spend lots of your free time exploring the city and going to restaurants and bars, and you wouldn’t want to be neglectful to the dog.

      • Amy March

        You can’t just bring dogs into every bar in Portland? I figured that was standard, along with all men being issued a beard upon arrival #eastcoastforlife

        • CMT

          You’re not wrong about the beards, and that is why the West Coast is, in fact, the Best Coast :)

        • CP2011

          Nope, most patios are dog friendly but not the insides of dining establishments. Some growler-fills are an exception, since they don’t serve food, but you are generally confined to the outsdoors if you’re with a dog. And being outdoors from November through March tends to be unpleasant here…

        • Pffffffft, there is possibly no better combination in this world than beer, dogs, and men with beards ;) #hilliwilldieon

      • savannnah

        I would hold off on assuming I’m in danger of neglecting my yet to be in existence dog.

        • CP2011

          That’s valid. I’m just very sensitive about pet care right now and feel like I know too many people who aren’t taking sufficient care of their animals, and I ended up projecting that onto you. Nothing about you personally as a responsible pet parent.

    • Savannah

      Details on the interfaith-young-married-peoples-Jewish-group? If it’s not in my city, I’d like to bring it here!

      • savannnah

        In Oregon it looks like they are run by a jewish interfaith community group offshoot of a synagogue and that is where I would look for them in your city. I don’t think they are a national organization.

  • BSM

    We survived our first week with my husband back at work (just about; it’s still midday here)! He’s technically only back at 80%, and I also have a postpartum doula coming two afternoons a week, but I’ll count it. I’m incredibly grateful to be getting that kind of support during these early days. It makes squeezing in a shower, feeding myself, and taking the dog for a quick walk much more possible.

    In less fun baby news, we’re having kind of a rough few weeks enforcing boundaries with my in-laws. We’ll explicitly tell them our plans multiple times, everything will seem fine, but then later on they’ll still try to get us to cave to what they want. They’ve done this now with visiting in the hospital, visiting us at home, inviting other people to visit us at home, and Thanksgiving. At first I thought maybe they’d just forgotten what we’d discussed, but it’s happened so many times now that I don’t think I can chalk it up to that. I guess they’re trying to wear us down? I don’t really get it.

    My husband tries to deal with it, but the baby-related stuff is the first time he’s really had to do this kind of thing with them, so we end up having to spend a good chunk of time going back over our reasons for our decision, doing gut-checks to make sure we’re not being unreasonable, discussing how he should proceed with them, and then following up with each other to see how it went. Since we didn’t really have this issue with them pre-baby, will they eventually get back to respecting our boundaries or is this the new norm?

    I also feel guilty about all this tension that we’re all experiencing; I really want them to have a loving and close relationship with our son, but they’re really pushing us in areas where we mostly don’t have room to compromise (i.e., vaccinations).

    • penguin

      Honestly after a few times of them “forgetting” discussions or pushing boundaries, I’d stop giving reasons and just re-state the boundaries. Solidarity on this, I hope they settle down.

      • BSM

        You’re right. And this is so hard for my husband because he’s inherently very, very logical, so he operates by (over-)explaining himself, which usually just leads to more back and forth. I guess I’ll try to keep reminding him that restating what we already told them is plenty.

        • Amy March

          you guys are parents now! “Because we said so” is a logical reason.

        • penguin

          After re-stating the boundary if they continue to push you could take a line from Ask a Manager – “What’s going on?”. It’s on THEM to explain (if you or your husband wants to hear it), then re-state the boundary. “This is our decision FULL STOP”

        • Jess

          Overexplaining my decision to soften the blow is my worst bad habit. Definitely remind him!!

    • Laura C

      As someone who several times in the first couple week’s of baby’s life had to basically kick my MIL out after subtle hints (like both of us saying “wow, I’m exhausted” and going to brush our teeth) failed, you have my sympathy. And yeah, I think you need to restate the boundaries because it does sound like they’re trying to wear you down. (Which isn’t necessarily conscious on their part — when my MIL does that it’s usually because she just…can’t wrap her mind around what we’re saying because it’s so foreign to her.)

      And nope nope nope to compromise on vaccines.

    • Amy March

      Lol they are pushing on vaccines? Stop all this back and forth and reassessing. New default- we are the parents of a newborn, all of our decisions are by definition reasonable, ask as often as you want our answer won’t changd.

      • BSM

        They were mostly OK with getting theirs (MIL put up a small struggle on Tdap), but they can’t seem to understand or accept that we’re skipping Thanksgiving because we’re concerned about extended family’s immunization status and general wellness given the season, people traveling to attend, etc. They keep saying, “but everyone wants to meet the baby!” which I totally get, but, yeah, I’m not willing to compromise my newborn’s health for that.

        • lamarsh

          Wuf my MIL would NOT stop complaining when her nephew and his wife wouldn’t let anyone meet the baby until they had the appropriate shots. She basically decided it was her god given right to see their baby and also her right not to have to get shots. She of course never met the baby and she is still upset 2 years later. Fortunately I think she only complained to us and not directly to them, but I am sorry you are having to deal with that, people can be really irrational when it comes to spending time with tiny humans.

        • Eh

          That is totally reasonable!

          A couple weeks ago, a friend had an emergency c-section (at term because her BP was high and baby failed NST) and her baby was in the NICU for over a week because it was having breathing problems. Her sister posted on a family FB page suggesting that people double check their and their children’s vaccinations before visiting the baby or the family Christmas to protect the baby since they didn’t know why the baby was having breathing problems (but getting, say, whooping cough would be very bad for the baby). One of their cousins said that it was rude to guilt people into “having a sharp object poke through their and their children’s skin” and that no one in the family has ever got a child sick on purpose. (Note: half my family got food poisoning at Christmas a couple years ago – pretty sure no one did that on purpose but it was still nasty.) My friend’s mother more or less told the cousin she should make sure her and her child’s vaccinations are up to date because watching the baby struggle to breath was the most heart wrenching thing she has ever witnessed.

          I was talking to the sister and I said if it was my baby I would not go to Christmas.

        • Good for you!

    • Eh

      Restate the boundaries in the fewest words possible. No explanations needed. This is where we get in trouble with my inlaws a lot – he is a people pleaser and feels he needs to give them a reason which gives them an opportunity to talk or think there is wiggle room.

      • BSM

        I felt like you last week! We’d told them many times when we thought we’d be ready for visitors, and my MIL texts us one morning (before that time) to say they’d like to come see the baby. Today. Right now, in fact! Made me think of you and your ILs.

        • Eh

          Yep that sounds like my inlaws! ugh

  • CP2011

    I GOT HAMILTON TICKETS!! I don’t know how we did it, but after 1.5 hrs of waiting in a digital line and getting the same “no seats available” message over and over again, my hubby and I both ended up with pairs of tickets! His are better seats so we are keeping his and finding friends to offload the other pair to. Yay!!

    • rg223

      Ohhh lucky! Enjoy!!!

    • Cellistec

      Yay!! I waited in the virtual line for 4 HOURS with no luck, and was sad to miss out. Then a friend who had better luck offered me her second ticket! I’M GOING TO HAMILTON TOO!!

      • CP2011

        That’s awesome!

  • Bad DIL

    In Law question: when they’re alone with my partner, my partner’s parent (Z) has a habit of saying Z will do something or agreeing with something my partner says that seems… not in line with Z’s regular thinking (like basically saying what my partner wants to hear). And indeed, Z never does the thing Z says they will do. I take an extremely skeptical view of what Z says, so when my partner says “I had dinner with Z, it was good, Z agreed with me on these things and said Z would do this other thing,” I tend to eyeroll and take with a grain of salt. My partner feels I should appreciate when my partner is enjoying Z and follow their lead since it’s their parent. I have a really hard time hiding my skepticism and anger towards Z when talking to my partner (I’m courteous in person). Z has been unreliable and hurtful to us for years. My partner swears they know their parent and don’t expect behavior change, yet every time they’re 1-on-1, my partner seems enthusiastic about the way Z is acting. Is this just a swallow-your-feelings and text your BFFs situation? I’m at a loss for how to handle it.

    • Amy March

      Is it actually harming you? Can that be where the line is? Don’t speak up, don’t challenge, but also refuse to take action in reliance on things Z says.

    • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

      Are things that Z is promising to do things that you need to plan around? Can you tell your partner that you just don’t want to hear about that kind of conversation, because you don’t want to be at odds with your partner, but you can’t be neutral about it?

    • Jess

      I’m with PAJane and Amy March. If what Z is promising to do is inconsequential to you, say “That’s great, dear” (calmly happily but not enthusiastically).

      If Z promises to do something that affects you or your partner in a big way, start by coming up with a back-up plan together “just in case” (even though you know you’ll need it.

      It may be worth pointing out when Z fails to deliver, too. Not in a “Told you so” way, but in a “Huh, I thought Z was going to do [thing]. What happened to that?” Sometimes we are blind to our parent’s treatment of us.

      Your partner will hopefully come to terms with Z’s inaction on their own in time.

      We’ve been going thru something similar, where all of R’s family events center around my SIL… and when R admitted he was sick of it this year and pushed back against his family I nearly cheered out loud.

    • Anon

      We have a very similar situation financially (‘I’ll give you a house deposit when you’re ready to buy’, ‘I’ll pay for a big trip together’), and basically I’m happy to be be happy for partner and for the parent, everybody feels better when we can all be really enthusiastic about whatever the claim is, but once parent is gone, partner and I look at each other and say, ‘Well, if it happens that’ll be amazing, and it’s really great of them to offer, but let’s make sure we’ve got our own shit together in the likely event that they don’t come through.’
      Partner knows that he needs to protect himself this way and I’m right there with him – it IS great that parent makes these offers and I think it reflects the love they have for their child, but when push comes to shove other things often come up or they sober up and the offered money doesn’t eventuate.
      So I think sorrow is a more useful emotion in our context than frustration – how sad that parent wants so much to express their love this way and help out and yet often can’t. How sad that partner has to protect himself routinely against parental disappointment. But this awareness is enough for us to manage parent in a loving way.

  • Lisa

    Question for those who have worked with a videographer: Ours just asked us for 4 songs to go with the video, but we aren’t sure if these songs should blend well together, or if they should evoke different feelings (like our processional vs. our first dance), or something else. We’ve emailed him and are waiting for a response, but I thought I would crowdsource what you all did. Thanks!

    • RNLindsay

      I just sent in wedding-ish songs that I liked without thought towards the style of the song. They used a couple of their own selections too (I guess in spots where mine didn’t fit the theme of that part of the video) so they can always do that or come back to you requesting a different type of song if need be. I wouldn’t stress too much!

  • Alli

    In-law drama vent. So many people ask us to borrow money.

    We have this issue with H’s family, and he views it as classist to completely cut them off, since he managed to get out of some nasty cyclical poverty and the rest of his immediate family hasn’t. I sympathize, since my family was also poor growing up, but I get so frustrated when they don’t listen to any of his financial advice and keep doing things that don’t help their situation, just regularly asking us to bail them out. He gets paid back quickly usually, he has learned to say no sometimes, and he’s cut off certain people that have seriously abused his generosity, but I just want it to stop.

    MIL has told him she’s hurt that we see my family a lot more than his, and I just want to scream that maybe we’d want to see them if we weren’t always being asked for something! As it stands, we’re trying to schedule in more time with his family, but I’m so bitter. I know he’s also so frustrated, he said to me “I’m tired of people calling on my birthday to ask me for money.” I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but it’s just something we’ve been working on for a while now and it’s tiring to keep having to work on it. -_____-

    • Cellistec

      I think the good news is that after you say no enough, people will stop asking. The bad news, of course, is that saying no feels crappy. I also hear you about pressure to spend time with people whose very behavior makes you want to avoid them, because that’s my in-laws too. Only they don’t ask for money (anymore); they just guilt-trip the hell out of my husband for NOT spending time with them, which really makes us excited (sarcasm) to see them again. #solidarity

  • sage

    This week, we:
    1) mailed out the wedding invites!
    2) picked out table linens, which took all of 5 minutes; and
    3) had our food tasting!!!

    Our reception venue does their catering in house, and the head chef’s specialty is Moroccan food. We are going with the Moroccan buffet! I swear, y’all, my plan was originally to pack a sandwich or something I could easily scarf down on the car ride between ceremony and reception, but now I’m dreaming of the beef tagine we had at the tasting. It was so tender and smothered with whole dried figs and almonds, SO GOOD!!! I might have to ask the venue to pack up a bunch of to-go boxes with just that dish for us to take home!

    • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

      YUM!

    • louise danger

      i don’t need a chair, i can just lurk under the buffet or in the bathroom so no worries about paying for my china/linen/chair cover rental – but can i take a plate

      • sage

        Please do! :)

      • penguin

        Every wedding needs a buffet gremlin

  • Questionssss

    I️ want to start a discussion about what you outsource in your relationship! Four years into mine, I’m finally realizing I️ can’t depend on my partner for EVERYTHING. Groundbreaking, I️ know! So to that end, I’m realizing I can depend on him for most things and looking to outsource the rest. For example, i’m taking my current events/podcast/some political discussions elsewhere, and he’s looking to other friends to provide lively nights out. Not my thing. What needs do YOU fill outside your relationship?

    • Zoya

      Artsy stuff. My husband is a techie, so he just isn’t into it like I am. He’s game for a lot of things–I’ve dragged him to the opera, to plays, to museums–but it’s really nice to hang out with friends who actually get it. I have a friend who’s become my modern-art-museum buddy, for example.

      Also, just coded-feminine things in general. I’m not the girliest girl there is, but sometimes I need to talk about hair products or Say Yes to the Dress without feeling judged. :)

      • kayceeee

        Back when we had cable I watched SYTD with no qualms – he would constantly make fun of it for it’s cheesy factor, but he would get drawn in occasionally too. Same with my other vice House Hunters : )

        • penguin

          Yep my husband will grumble about it but then get into it – “she picked that dress?? The first one was so much better!”

    • Cellistec

      I love rambling philosophical conversations, but my husband is more of a concrete thinker. So I save the conceptual musings for my like-minded girlfriends. That way Mr. Cellistec doesn’t derail my thoughts about, say, secular concepts of grace, and I don’t bore him with said thoughts.

    • Jess

      Stuff I keep mostly inside my relationship: Finances, big mistakes, serious conversations about our relationship

      Outside my relationship: big philosophical discussions, deep conversations about books, complaining about my in-laws

      I also find that I schedule time with friends to just… be away from R? Like “Hey, I’m going climbing on Saturday with Jim” or “Hey, girls night watching The Bachelor tomorrow”

      I make sure I’ve got fun stuff I’m doing that doesn’t involve him just for the sake of not involving him. Does that make sense?

  • I’m starting to get some Thanksgiving jitters. My in-laws are hosting a big gathering including my family, cue jaws theme? Despite living in the same broader metro-area this is the first time we’ve done any type of joint-family holiday, and even though our families are both like, perfectly chill I feel like sometimes the holidays can bring out our parents’ weird? (Particularly mine, TBH). Also, my brother has some fairly intense cognitive disabilities and is non-verbal, and people don’t always know how to react to him… I’m pretty sure everyone there will be welcoming to him, but it’s always a little nerve-wracking in new situations.

    I know I’m lucky that I don’t have any toxic family dynamics, but I think the night is definitely going to me an extended exercise in the whole “remembering that I’m not responsible for other adults’ experiences and actions” thing.

  • Christina McPants

    Can I tell you how much the two week wait sucks? The two week wait SUUUUUUUUUCKS. We are on our 5/6 tries of IUI to try to give our daughter a sibling. After that, insurance covers IVF.

    I’ve got about two days left in this 2WW (beta test 11/27) before I start thinking maybe I am pregnant and yes, I thought that all those other times, but THIS TIME, THIS TIME IS DIFFERENT, which makes getting the call from the nurse with her apologetic tones that much harder.

    This was supposed to be the no pressure time because we’ve already got a kid but NOOOOOOOPE SAME LEVEL OF EMOTIONAL OVERINVOLVEMENT.

    What I’m saying is, CAPSLOCK.

    • Jenny

      Ugh. Yes. It sucks. Sorry, hope you get to do something to take your mind off of it this weekend.

    • Kara E

      Totally.

      Also, 6??? Isn’t that like 2-3 over the standard of care? I’m impressed you have IVF coverage though.

      • Christina McPants

        Yeeeeaaaahhh. I’m not sure if it’s because we’re homos or if that’s just what my insurance does, but it’s 6 IUIs, 3 IVF attempts. I’m a state government employee, so we have insanely good benefits, but no raises ever. It works out.

        Also, this is so much better than last time, when my employer offered infertility coverage, but not to lesbos, and we had to pay the whole thing out of pocket.

    • Eenie

      I hope time flies for you!

    • Les

      If you haven’t discovered it already, Matt and Doree’s Eggcelent adventure is a brilliant science-baby podcast. Though I don’t know if it would make the 2 weeks go any faster ;). GOOD LUCK!!!!

  • kayceeee

    Just venting today. The hubby just found out he has to work Thanksgiving as well as the next day and the entire weekend. He’s a manager of a grocery store so it comes with the territory, but still boo on not getting to spend the holiday with him like I wanted.
    Also, apparently my MIL is already asking when we’re going to come visit (she’s in south Florida and we’re in Texas). HELLO. The wedding wasn’t even a month ago yet! I love his family, but having to use up all my vacay time to travel back and forth to visit isn’t my favorite thing. Plus, we still have to take our honeymoon that we delayed and me and two of my bridesmaids are planning a girls trip for next year. Sorry, both of those things take precedence over traveling to Florida yet again to do nothing but hang out at my MIL’s house the entire time we are there.

  • Allie B

    Long time lurker, first time poster checking in because…I got engaged this week! All feels a bit surreal at the moment, even though we’ve been discussing it for a while now. Can’t wait to get stuck into planning, even though I know it makes sense to take a little time to enjoy being engaged…

    • kayceeee

      Congratulations!

    • Call Me Penny

      Congratulations! If you feel like jumping right in, do it! I found that I couldn’t relax and enjoy being engaged until we had a few main things set, so do whatever works for you :)

    • Congratulations!

  • A walking mess

    This week hasn’t been kind. And I kind of hate all the conversation around sexual assault lately that has prioritized white, cisgender, straight voices overwhelmingly. (Consider that the trigger warning)

    While I was working in another country, my partner was drugged (likely roofies or something similar). And he made it out of the party alright but I’m livid. And it’s not my place to be angry for him but we’re both trans people of color and it’s just a really wretched thing overall. Especially now watching all the gender essentialist conversations about assaults that reflects neither of our experiences as survivors. Also there’s a family emergency (illness) that’s pulling me back home early for Thanksgiving and I’m both glad and tired of having a health background where I actually know what’s up and stress out about what the doctors are saying.

    On a bright note, I’m hosting a friendsgiving before I leave, and it looks like it’ll be well-attended and well-liquored.

    (Please don’t comment with any suggestions/advice, not in the mood for that kind of support rn)

    • Jess

      Fuck. I’m really sorry about your week.

      Here’s hoping your friendsgiving is boozy and delicious, because you definitely need it.

    • Transnonymous

      Solidarity and I’m so sorry.

    • Zoya

      I’m so sorry about your week, and about the national noise.

    • Lawyerette510

      I’m really sorry about all this. I hope the time with your friends fuels you up, emotionally speaking.

    • bananafanafofana

      I’m so sorry. That all sounds awful. Thinking of you and your family. I hope you are all surrounded by love and care.

  • EF

    comrades, I am going to have a nervous fucking breakdown before my move. why? the agency we rent from are being a NIGHTMARE with the moveout and i’m terrified we won’t get our deposit (around £2200) back. that’s a lot of money, and we had to borrow money from partner’s dad for the deposit for our new place, as ALL THE THINGS happened at once and we had to move (reminder: landlord is selling the flat. we’d stay otherwise).

    so I’m really concerned FIL is judging us for not being more financially responsible. but london is expensive, we work hard but pay is so low and the pound doesn’t go nearly as far as it used to and *****stress*****

    i guess i’m always afraid he thinks this foreigner whisked away his son and that i’m too different for the boy. also we decided to host a thanksgiving for his entire (british) family next weekend…right in the middle of our move in weekend. cause why not.

    on the other hand, GUYS I AM KILLING IT AT WORK. after all the stress of being laid off and job hunting and etc etc etc, things aren’t perfect, but damn my work is good. just gotta get through this impending move and it should be ok.

    • Amy March

      Well, he did loan you a bunch of money, so I’m voting that actually he doesn’t hate you at all! But yeah this sounds like a rough few weeks and I’m hoping some Thanksgiving magic happens for you.

      • EF

        but he might just really like his son? i dunno.

        partner insists this is not a lot of money for his dad and it’s not a big deal – his dad even told him ‘well i’ve got it sitting in the checking account, why not?’ so i guess there’s that…….

        i have a hard time with this as someone with no familial support system and growing up very poor :-/

        • Jess

          It is so hard to accept/understand/trust kind actions from family when you are used to not being able to (for whatever reason).

          I tend to project what *my* family would feel about me needing help all over R’s family.

          Sometimes, people who can afford to help feel like stepping in is nothing, when people who couldn’t do so easily would have a lot of additional emotions around it.

          Hopefully your partners dad doesn’t really hate you, and it’s all in your brain!

    • suchbrightlights

      I am not familiar with UK tenant law, but in many states in the US, a landlord cannot legally withhold your deposit except under certain circumstances, and they cannot withhold more than the actual cost of repairs. If you think that your landlord is going to be a dick about things, read up on local tenant law so that you have the information you need to play hardball. In my US experience, citing tenant law with a landlord who is acting against it and counting on you not knowing what you’re doing is a really good way to get a check in the mail within 3 days.

      And KUDOS for the killer job you’re doing at work!

    • Eenie

      The best part of this year was us not moving for once (I moved 6 times in a four year period before this).This entire situation sounds awful.

    • Take all the photos. Every corner of the flat. The more dickish a landlord is about returning the deposit, the more likely they are to have half arsed everything because they’re used to getting one up over people who don’t know their rights. Assuming it’s properly protected (if it’s not, you can claim three times the value) the protection agencies almost always take the tenants’ side as long as you’ve got proof you left the place in a decent state.

  • Pannorama

    This week was exciting in a preparatory kind of way. My boyfriend and I have picked a date for our mutual proposal and are starting to make plans! My mom took the ring to the jewelers to have her wedding band un-soldered from it (I’m inheriting a ring that’s been in the family for 100 years)! But also she’s going to mail it to me. In the mail. And I’m pretty stressed about that because it’s absolutely irreplaceable. I’ve never lost anything via USPS, and she’s going to overnight it, but I’m going to be a hot mess all day Monday and Tuesday while it’s in transit.

    • suchbrightlights

      I have my grandmother’s stone, which belonged to her mother before her. I sent it via overnight shipping to James Allen to be set, and I was also pretty stressed. Turned out just fine. Our postal service is pretty darn reliable, all things considered. Hang in there!

  • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

    You know what I’ve been thinking about? I’ve always wanted to attend or host a Friendsgiving. It’s not gonna happen anytime soon, because we have more than enough family to Thanksgiving with (we have two every year, and I wouldn’t want to not see them all), but I’ve always loved when people come together to do an adulty cut-and-paste hodgepodge holiday like that. So I’m thankful to have so much family and all, but also a bit wistful about this other thing that I don’t experience as a result.

    • Amy March

      There are no rules to Friendsgiving. Have it the Saturday before Thanksgiving. Host it the first Saturday in November. Steal Canadian Thanksgiving.

      • Lexipedia

        OMG BEST IDEA. As a Canadian in the US I should totally turn my Thanksgiving into Friendsgiving.

      • Arie

        Host weekly beer and pie events! :)

        • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

          A friend was just telling me about a couple she knows that lives in the city, and every Friday they have spaghetti night. They make a ton of pasta, and anybody is welcome to drop by and bring wine or a side or a dessert. It’s how they all keep track and build community as Millennials in a big, big place.

      • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

        You know, I’ve always thought the Canadians were onto something with their timing! We smush all our holidays into waaaaay to tight of a time span.

        • Amy March

          I know it’s so typically #smugCanadian. Look at us with our cutie pie PM and our maternity leave and our sensibly scheduled holidays.

          • Lexipedia

            I do a lot of #smugCanadian, but actually way less since last November. I feel like, living here and working politics-adjacent in DC, I need to actually do something rather than just sitting back and saying that my country is better than your country.

            Though I’ll still be smug about Justin.

      • I normally celebrate Thanksgiving in Quebec the weekend after American Thanksgiving. But just now I am thinking that this past month has been so intense that maybe I should wait til January to celebrate. If it’s before Christmas, it’d have to be either the first or third weekend in December. And the third weekend is so busy for everyone (and the first one is not long after my boyfriend’s birthday), so…. Then I was thinking, well, this fall has been rough and January doesn’t have much going for it, so why not a belated American Thanksgiving. Or Thanks-janvier (Thanks-January). It could solve some of the birthday/Thanksgiving congestion at the end of November and the general busyness of everyone in December….

    • Abby

      Do a Friendsgiving anyway! We always host one the weekend before, & tbh it makes real Thanksgiving way less stressful because I’ve already had the meal the way I like it (&refined my techniques!)

      • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

        Ehhh, I end up doing a lot of the cooking at my mom’s, and I do almost all of it for the Inlaw Thanksgiving that we host, so I sorta don’t want to do a 3rd all at the same time. But I’m thinking having one anyway at a different time entirely may be the answer.

        • Jess

          Potluck Friendsgiving and get a local restaurant to make the main dish for you. Most Italian places near me do catering size lasagna!

          • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

            Point.

    • Kara

      There’s always Festivus! :-D

      • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

        Truuuuuuue!

    • Zoya

      I feel exactly the same way. I’ve actually considered hosting a day-after Friendsgiving for folks who are hiding from Black Friday, but not sure I’d be up for it after a day of family Thanksgiving. Maybe someday…

      • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

        Black Friday menu could be leftover turkey sammiches and stuffing waffles. Jussayin.

        • Zoya

          You make an excellent point…

      • Laura C

        My new building has potluck pie breakfast the morning after Thanksgiving.

        • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

          I love this!

    • Eenie

      I’m going to friendsgiving on Sunday! You can also do something in January to continue the holiday spirit.

      • Zoya

        Oh yeah, now that I think about it, we do a homemade-Chinese-food-on-Christmas-Day party for everyone who doesn’t have somewhere to be that day. I usually tackle something ambitious like homemade dumpling wrappers, and it usually ends up being a bit potluck-y, because that’s how our friends roll.

    • suchbrightlights

      Some friends and I have been trying to do this for the last several years, but between life and medical school, we haven’t been able to pull it together.

    • Jess

      I’m having Friendsgiving this Saturday! Do it!

      You don’t even have to do turkey – I’ve heard of lots of lasagna Friendsgivings!

    • Lawyerette510

      I’m going to lobby here for a post-holidays friendsgiving. We have one set of friends that did a “January Blues” dinner every year for 5 years, and it was so wonderful. The did it later in January, around the time you’re feeling rested enough to want to be socializing again, and bummed that all the events of the holidays are over. I always really looked forward to that event.

      • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

        Yeah, I’ve definitely been part of a themed dinner party tradition that was always held in February, to push through the last of the winter dark and cold. People turn all the way up for a theme.

      • Ah! I JUST wrote that I was thinking of postponing my Thanksgiving (which is essentially a friendsgiving) until January…

    • Les

      We have Friendsgiving at any point in the fall when the only non-NYer does her annual visit. It’s lovely!

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  • Rebecca

    Possibly someone has already posted but the results of the Australian same sex marriage non-binding postal survey were announced this week, and we voted to legalise same sex marriage!
    It’s been a long time coming and our politicians really should’ve done it on their own, but they’re saying they’ll legislate it by the end of the year and I’m just so happy for all my LGBTQIA friends – we’re doing a lot of really terrible things to people in this country but it’s good to be reminded a lot of it is political maneuvering and doesn’t necessarily represent the populace. ❤💛💚💙💜

    • suchbrightlights

      I had not yet seen that the legislature had responded with resolve to make this law by end of year- that is WONDERFUL news. (As you say, should have been done already…)

    • SS Express

      Soooooooo happy about this! Cried at my desk when I read the result, and again when I saw the video of Penny Wong.

    • Amy CT

      Hello from Melbourne and Amen.

  • Friend Feelings

    Does anyone have any tips for navigating long distance friendships, and *feelings*? I’m still close to my friendship group from school, four of us in total. They’re all in our hometown, and I’m a three hour flight away, and have been for seven years. We usually manage one weekend a year where we all fly somewhere and spend the weekend together, as well as one or two other occasions where two or three of us will be able to coordinate some time together. This year E and L got married a month apart, so we had two bachelorette parties and weddings in there as well.
    We had planned a weekend in my current town for the start of December, but L then found out she needed to work that Saturday morning so it wasn’t going to work. We decided to postpone until February, and all was fine until one of L said she was really disappointed, that she had been so looking forward to having some time away and catching up, and really wanted the four of us to get together around her birthday (she turns 30 next week) to celebrate and catch up. This is where I should have just commiserated and sent her a nice birthday package in the mail, but instead I booked a flight home and we all made plans to spend the Saturday together. I’m flying back the following weekend to celebrate my mom’s 60th birthday, and two weeks later for Christmas so I wasn’t thrilled, but happy to be able to see them and get some quality time together.
    Today I found out she has invited three friends from work to join us, and as much as I’m fond of her friends from work, I’m really disappointed. I know that being the one who lives elsewhere means to a certain extent more of the ‘effort’ for want of a better word will need to fall to me, but I feel like having said all she wanted was an afternoon with the four of us together, she’s done a complete 180. I wouldn’t have agreed to come for the weekend if I had known, and I’m cycling through feeling duped, feeling annoyed with myself, and feeling annoyed for being annoyed!
    I’m sure we’ll have a lovely time all the same, and I know it will be wonderful to see them, but I think tonight will be a wallowing one. Not even sure if I want advice or someone to tell me we’re not teenagers anymore and just deal with it!

    • Amy March

      I’ll tell you to just deal with it! Inviting more than just your one little group to celebrate her birthday is a completely normal and okay thing to do, and I think you are mostly annoyed because you don’t want to be doing this at all. Which is fine, but that’s your choice.

      But also enjoy your wine tonight and order the extra sushi and give yourself a hug. Sometimes you gotta make the wrong choice a few times before you figure out how to handle things, and that’s totally normal and okay!

      • Friend feelings

        I think the crux of it for me is that she made such a big deal over wanting specifically just the four of us together, and then shifting what she wanted once it was all set in stone. Which she’s totally allowed to do! She also only told our fourth friend and has yet to let me and E know – I wish she’d just be like ‘oh hey some more people are joining us, the more the merrier!’ rather than trying to hide it. But again, that’s ok. I’ll get there be thankful we’re together and that I have friend who drive me mad but who I couldn’t be without!

    • Jess

      Wallow away tonight and go enjoy seeing your friends.

      Probably the work friends will just chill together anyway – 7 is a big enough group to have small side conversations.

      • Friend feelings

        That’s true. And they’re all lovely ladies! I’m sure on the day I’ll have a great time.

  • Kara E

    I’m almost 38 weeks pregnant, which means that there will be another baby in our lives in 2.5 weeks or less. Also, we finally made a backup plan last night for emergency care for our older kiddo after our plan a (our daughter’s other favorite adult) had to leave town unexpectedly. Man, it’s hard to ask for help, even from amazing friends and neighbors. Hoping and praying that this one waits until at least 38 weeks because We Are Not Ready. (Though always, healthy = best).

  • RE

    I know there have been some strong feelings about summer outdoor weddings, but lay it on me again — how would you feel about a brief outdoor ceremony in July, and then an AC reception? We’re going for a casual, BBQ feel at a local barn, but something about getting married in a barn loft beneath a stuffed duck and deerhead isn’t doing it for me.

    • RNLindsay

      I wouldn’t mind the outdoor ceremony! My brother’s was outdoors in July. It’s the indoor AC reception that’s key!

    • Brief seems fine, especially if it is brief plus shade. I went to a 100ish degree wedding with an outdoor ceremony and it was fine, especially since it was earlier in the day, so while hot it also let us avoid the 10 million mosquitos that came out later than evening. Admittedly, I am also not a man who wears heavy suits to weddings (instead I can wear super flowy loose dresses), but I hate the heat and even I was fine with that.

    • AGCourtney

      Sounds fine to me!

    • Zoya

      We did an outdoor ceremony + cocktail hour in August, and it was fine! As long as you let folks know what to expect, you’re in the clear.

    • Lawyerette510

      Been there, done that sooooo many times as a guest, and it was totally fine every time.

    • suchbrightlights

      Provide shade, chairs in the shade, and lots of cool drinks, and if you are the favor-providing type then hand fans may be advisable. This is a very normal arrangement in my part of the world, where summer is 115 on the heat index.

    • Amy March

      Is it 90+ and humid and in the sun? I hate it and think it’s rude. If the deer head isn’t doing it for you keep looking!

    • Eh

      I think a brief ceremony outside is fine if it’s in shade and you have chairs and the guests know it’s outside. It’s important that the guests are only seated for the ceremony immediately before the ceremony. I was at a wedding where the minister made sure that everyone was in the AC vestibule for the reception hall (since the bride didn’t want the guests to see the reception hall until the reception started) until a few minutes before the ceremony was scheduled to srart. Unfortunately the bride was over half an hour late so the guests were very hot and the groomsmen had to hand out bottles of water.

      Do you have a back up plan for rain? The main reason we didn’t have an outdoor wedding was that the outdoor locations we liked didn’t have suitable back up locations in the case of rain.

    • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

      I would love it, but I like the summer and being outside and would rather be too hot than too cold.

  • L.

    Today was ring shopping day!!!!!!! Some of you might remember I posted about 2-3 weeks ago asking for recommendations on questions to ask the jeweler and any insight about moissanite, and today was the day! :D We chose a local, family-owned business that’s been around for a long time that had awesome Yelp reviews and was supposed to have moissanite options.

    I was hoping to have a little more fun than I did… BF was being pretty weird through the first half of our time there, and although I tried not to let it, it made it a bit awkward for me. But he eventually stopped being so weird, started talking more, started asking more questions, started making jokes (like he usually does), and it got more fun in the second half. I think he was probably quieter in that first half because I was trying on different rings being offered to me to try to narrow down what I liked, and he didn’t really think he should be a very active participant in that part, I guess – which I can understand, since he’s not the one wearing the ring someday, but for whatever reason, I still kind of wanted to know what he thought. I’d show him and be like, “What do you think?” and he’d say, “I don’t know” or “It’s sparkly.” *insert eye roll emoji here* So I finally just kind of stopped asking his opinion, and he asked to see the ones he was interested in seeing, and we kept the “appointment” moving forward (we didn’t actually have an appointment, but for lack of a better word).

    Eventually, we realized I kept coming back to one ring that had a lot of the elements I like about one of the styles I keep coming back to. For the last couple of years, I’ve really loved a pear-shaped center stone with a halo (I literally don’t like halo on anything except that, and I actually don’t like pear at all without a halo, haha – weird AF). Rose gold for the metal, accent stones on the band in a half eternity style. They unfortunately didn’t have any pear rings that I could try on, but they did have a loose stone that I could try temporarily set in another setting just to see how it looked on my hand. The original ring like this that I fell in love with had a peach sapphire center stone, and we’re doing moissanite, obviously, but I think it will still be pretty – I had a screenshot to show them. We got all of this nailed down with one of the sons, who’s a designer, and he used his software to show us a digital version for a custom-made ring. Fortunately, the ring will come in at an estimated price point that I feel comfortable with, which makes me really happy (and BF and his bank account, too, as it’s “several thousand dollars less” than what he thought he might be spending). The designer said it could be made in 2-3 weeks, which surprised me – that seems super fast! Oh, and all of the accent stones in the halo and the band are conflict-free (and sourced from Canada) – woo!

    When we left, BF had given the designer the impression that we were going to shop around at least one more store (which was the original plan). However, I decided fairly quickly that I don’t want to do any more shopping around. I’m a pretty indecisive person about most things, and I’m worried that the more shopping around I do, the less likely I’ll be to nail down what I want. I literally went there today with screenshots of eight different styles that I liked. Eight. I was kind of thinking about it in terms of couples who have short engagements and don’t have the time to explore all the various options for their venue or photographer or what have you – when they find something they like, they just have to make a decision on it and move on. That’s kind of what I feel is best for me in this situation: I keep coming back to this style that I’ve had my eye on for years now, and while I may think other styles are pretty, I should just go with this one because I obviously like it a lot. So, BF is going to email the designer yet tonight and get the order going, so YAY! But he doesn’t want me to know when he’s actually going to propose, so although I’ll obviously know that the ring will be done in approximately three weeks from now, the proposal will be a surprise (although hopefully soon!).

    Thanks again to everyone who gave their input a couple of weeks ago! <3

  • Mallory2

    Had my IUD removed 2 weeks ago and officially TTC! It feels weirdly…normal?? Maybe that comes with finally being ready. My husband and I have been in couples therapy for the last year to work on communication and all the challenges that come with trying to figure out timing for family planning/job changes/potential geographic changes. We feel in the best, most stable place we’ve ever been and I’m excited for what’s to come. Today is also my 34th birthday! So today is filled with reflection on the past year (ugh and the increased awareness of the impact of being born near election day) and hopes for the coming year.

  • I went to go see a college play yesterday with my old roommate, which was a lot of fun. It was Next to Normal and it was really good and sad (although a little entertaining that the teenagers and parents of teenagers were all very clearly so young and all the same age). But also it was super cheap (free with a student ID!) which was also good.

    I’m also getting ready to spend another weekend at home because my husband is still at work and won’t be coming home at all this weekend. I try not to complain too much to him, also, though because I think he is literally working every hour he is awake, which is not healthy and I am concerned a little about that. Especially since this isn’t supposed to be his busy season (not that he would get busier than this, but more so that this is supposed to be a slow time to relax a little before busy season starts in January)–I don’t know how he is going to actually do this–I know I would not be able to do that. I don’t know if this job is going to be sustainable for the rest of my time in grad school.

  • Amy CT

    Long-time Happy Hour lurker, reporting in for the first time. Eek!

    I had my first wedding dress fitting today! I say dress fitting – it was only the bodice. My FMIL is a professional dress-maker and we’ve been plotting this since July. Somehow, when I tried it on, the bra cups sat so that the top of the cup didn’t hit the bottom of my boobs, so LOL, that needs fixing. But it’s just so exciting!!

    My actual mother and all my best girlfriends live 10,000 miles away or more so I kind of just want to share my excitement :)

    • Call Me Penny

      What a special thing for you and your FMIL to be able to have together! And it’s so exciting to see it all come together isn’t it?

      • suchbrightlights

        Seconding- what a really neat bonding experience. I hope you’ll share pictures once it all comes together.

    • Zandra

      How exciting! My MIL altered my wedding dress for me, and it was a great bonding experience for both of us! She gave a really sweet speech at my wedding about how special it was for her to be involved in the process- hopefully it’ll be just as great an experience for you!

  • Well, my mom got out of the hopsital on Monday night. On Tuesday we started the drive to get my parents’ car back to them, arriving there on Thursday afternoon. (Thankfully, we made it safely. We got run off the road, onto the shoulder, by a biig semi-truck that came into our lane, right where we were. I’m so glad my boyfriend is such an attentive driver…)

    We were only there for 24 hours in my hometown, but managaed to have coffee with a friend, and we all had dinner with some family friends. We hung out with my parents during all our waking hours. And then my boyfriend and I flew back home yesterday. We somehow ended up in first class on our last flight (I have no idea why because I got the most economic option that did not leave in at 6 am), so we had free good snacks on that one. We got in at midnight and have a family even today with my boyfriend’s family.

    SO. I hope this hospital chapter is finished. I think all I have left to do is call about one ambulance bill and pay it. And disinfect all of the clothing and stuff from the trip. My mom is sick with an infection right now, so we had to be super careful about no contact and vigilant handwashing. She got really hurt by that and ended up holding a grudge against us (with tears and near-silent treatment, offering one word responses to questions), so that added a pretty unpelasant dynamic to the last half of our limited time together. But we were following a nurse’s instructions; we had inquired before going to find out what precautions we should take since we are seeing my boyfriend’s 90-year-old grandmother today for her 90th birthday family party. (The elderly are particularly vulnerable to this infection, and we certainly don’t want to transmiit it. We are going to try to touch no one there either, especially not his grandmother!) Sigh. I don’t feel bad about our following the nurses instructions. Maybe my mom will one day figure out that driving the car down and being there was an act of love. Even if was hurt because we didn’t hug/touch and washed our hands a lot…

    • suchbrightlights

      I’m glad that your mother is home, and I hope that once she’s feeling better and has time to decompress she understands that you were following protocol. When I am feeling lousy human touch is really comforting to me, so if she feels that way too I can understand why it might have been especially upsetting and hard for her. I hope that she has a smooth recovery!

  • rebecca

    We had to cancel our Thanksgiving plans due some terrible crap that happened at our wedding. We were planning on doing nothing, but we just volunteered to share our home with some international students for the holiday so I’m last-minute menu planning. Usually I’m more about “good food” than traditional stuff, but I’m trying to hunt down recipes for all the super-traditional stuff (some of which I’ve never even had before!), starting with this Green Bean Casserole https://www.bonappetit.com/recipe/bas-best-green-bean-casserole

    • Amy March

      Sorry about the terrible crap but your replacement plans sound really great!

    • Jess

      Love the new plans! Good luck with the traditional dinner!

    • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

      I’m vicariously excited for your dinner with the students!

    • emilyg25

      Thank you! I work with international students and they love the opportunity to share a traditional American Thanksgiving meal.

    • suchbrightlights

      This sounds like an excellent way to Thanksgiving.

  • Very belated, but if APW’s on holiday this week I choose to think of this as a week long happy hour :) my parents came up over the weekend, after much dogsitting drama (there is also wedding dogsitting drama now, but the worst case scenario is I spend my wedding listening to my mum worry and complain about whoever’s ended up dogsitting, which I can live with) and we had a trial of the centrepieces, which look pretty good. it’s going to be interesting figuring out how much assembly to do before taking them to the venue, and how much is reasonable to ask the caterers to do.

    Also had a dress fitting, while full of cramps. As I told the seamstress the first time, I need the panel widened, and this time she had to concede that yes, i did (I’m less than two pounds heavier than the previous fitting, which is within my normal range of hormonal fluctuations, but it sits in different places depending on where I’m at) and my mum managed to take the world’s least flattering photos of me in the dress, so I’m just not looking at those. It did show me that hair down is pretty much my only option hair-wise – I really need hair around my neck and shoulders to frame my face, otherwise I blend into one pale blob, which is a shame because I had my heart set on some quirky updos (either bow bun or heart bun) and it’s disheartening to accept that I’m not going to have special hair. It was emotionally exhausting, because my mother is a very negative person (which she doesn’t acknowledge) so the whole weekend involved a lot of not trying to take that on board while also being very moody myself, which resulted in a lot of stubbornness (no, we’re not going bra shopping together, because (a) this is Leeds on a Saturday and we have less than half an hour until we meet people for lunch, so there isn’t time and (b) I really don’t want to go bra shopping with you, or anyone else).

    • Amy March

      What about a half up bow bun? If you have the stylist give you some volume I think it could frame your face really well!

      • I have googled and oh that’s a cute look! Still a little paranoid about whether I have long enough hair (it also has no volume of its own, so depending on the hairdressers for all the magic tricks there!) but even if it’s a little bow it should still be cute. Thanks :)

    • Kara E

      For what it’s worth, I have the same issue with hair. My stylist curled my hair with lots of body and lots of hairspray that framed my face and it looked fancy and still me. I did NOT want extensions. A face and shoulders framing veil helped a lot too.

      • My hair is going to be blue, so if I wanted extension I’d need to plan ahead for that (presumably bring them to the hairdressers to get dyed as well?). I’m not against extensions, but it’s another layer of hassle, though it’s interesting to realise quite how many pictures I’ve been looking at clearly have them in. I’m not doing a veil, because with everything else I think it would look a bit much, and part of my problem is my very pale face and neck are being framed by my very pale white fur wrap and ivory dress. My hair should provide a good, stark contrast, but it’ll be interesting when I get to the trial to see what’s actually achievable.

        (I am suddenly reminded of the ten years my driving licence photo consisted of facial features and hair floating against a void, because the machine failed to print in enough shades to actually pick out my chin, neck and shoulders against the white background! I had completely forgotten that.)

  • Mmmmkay

    So I got stomach sick a few nights go either from food or a bug I picked up from a kid at work. Hooray for puking at your BIL’s house. Throwing up isn’t horrifying enough, but to do it at someone else’s place of residence made it SO. MUCH. WORSE. Immediately, MIL asks if we’re pregnant. This is after a million questions and hints trying to figure out if we’re growing a baby over the past few weeks. We went over for dinner a few weeks ago, and SFIL called in the middle of it, and he said, “I thought they were coming over to let you know they were pregnant.” Plus she *casually* brings up the the other BILs and SIL’s state of reproduction like it’s normal conversation.

    It’s probably a little our fault because we mentioned family planning and trying to figure out how we’re going to reconfigure my current craft room/study to accommodate a nursery, but Mr. Mmmmkay is a planner and wanted to get some furniture to finish out the dining room anyway.

    The thing is, we’ve stated that we’re waiting to attempt to time it out (yeah, I know, good luck planning the timing on a baby) for later, and we haven’t even started trying yet. I’m just running out of polite ways of saying, “Nope, not having a baby,” and am getting close to using, “Nope, but we’ve been practicing a lot.”

    Mr. MmmmKay is great and totally putting up a shared front in all of this, but mostly I just need her to back up the grandchild train a few stops, and be patient. If/when there is something to announce, she’ll find out with the rest of the world and not a moment sooner.

    Thank goodness for my parents who haven’t said a single thing about babies and just asked if I was feeling better.

    Side note: She’s actually pretty great, and I usually enjoy her company. This probably stems from her looking for things to help fulfill her life at this moment. She raised her kids practically by herself and has sacrificed so much to make sure that they grew up into great adults. She’s loved being Nona to our nephew, and just wants to share that love.

    Other side note: When my SIL was in labor with our nephew, she was fully prepared to sit in the delivery room (not waiting… delivery) overnight and wait for her to give birth. BIL found a gentle way to convince her to go to other BIL’s house (15 min away) to sleep and go back in the morning. This is just making me think of all the boundaries that we’re going to have to set.

    • Eh

      Before we got pregnant with our daughter, my inlaws (MIL, BIL and my husbands grandmother are the worst) would ask me every time they saw me if I was pregnant. It annoyed me a lot and I would just say no and leave it at that. When I was still pregnant with out daughter, my BIL asked us when we were having #2. My husband said that we would have to think hard about having another since I was very sick while pregnant (my response was, “I’m still cooking this one”). Since my daughter’s first birthday (she’s now 2) there has been lots of pressure again to have a second baby. Our line now is “We’ll tell you when we have a baby”. My husband’s grandmother quickly picked up that suggested we might not say anything until after the baby is born and replied with “you need to give me a little more notice than that”.

      Boundaries are very important. A couple months before I was due my MIL made a comment about being at the hospital when I was in labour. They live an hour away so she wanted notice when I was in labour so she could be there when the baby was born. I said we would not be calling them until after the baby was born since we can’t predict how long I would be in labour and we didn’t want them hanging out at the hospital for 20+hours (we also didn’t want them to call my husband repeatedly for updates). Closer to my due date she again asked for use to call her when I was in labour and we again said no, that we would call her after the baby was born. So then I had a very fast labour (3 hours) and our daughter was born at 9:30pm and I was not moved to the mom and baby unit until midnight and we had not had supper (pizza was finally arrived at 1am). Since it was the middle of the night, we decided not to call our parents until the next morning. We called me MIL early in the morning so she would hear the news before she went to work. She decided to skip work and come see us instead. After hearing that I was in labour for only 3 hours and my contractions were 2 mins apart and lasted over a minute, my MIL was upset that we didn’t text her while I was in labour. I said “when did we have the chance to do that?” She said, “While you were on your way to the hospital.”

      Good luck with you MIL and good luck with trying to conceive (when you guys start that process)

      • Jess

        “while you were on your way to the hospital”

        Oh, you mean when I was in huge amounts of pain or when I was desperately trying to catch my breath after that pain? Or perhaps you mean when I was hanging onto the seat really tight because we were driving as fast as reasonably possible?

        *sigh* par for the course, I guess…

    • Jess

      People commenting about the status of other people’s uteri is like my least favorite conversation topic. So uncool, even when (especially when?) it’s from the perspective of loving want-to-be-grandparents.

      *ESPECIALLY* when you’re actively sick, which is no fun to begin with.

      Re Side note: Woohooo boundaries!!!

  • nutbrownrose

    I, uh, accidentally sent our Christmas cards last week. We got them in the mail, and I just, you know, did the addresses, and stamped and so forth because if I don’t do things as they come in I forget to finish them…and then I mailed them. 2 weeks before Thanksgiving. My husband and I have both gotten shit from relatives for this already. What can I say? I’m easily distractable. And hey, I’m already done with my Christmas cards.

    • Amy March

      There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this. Your relatives should shut up and be grateful. No apologies!

    • suchbrightlights

      If Target and Home Goods are allowed to have their December holiday displays up IN SEPTEMBER, and my neighbors already have their Santa Claus Mr. Potato Head inflatable up, you are allowed to send your cards out early.

    • Not Sarah

      I would have done this already if we weren’t trying to get thank you cards out first! I don’t want people to get a Christmas card and think we skipped sending them a thank you card. Our goal is to finish the thank you cards this month and then send the holiday cards out December 1st.

    • Cdn icecube

      People who complain about getting mail that isn’t bills need to rethink their priorities.

    • Jess

      I haven’t even ordered ours yet, and only wish I was already done stamping and addressing them so… Your relatives are being lame.

    • gonzalesbeach

      Ive started filling in my cards and am super excited to start Christmas. Also with sending to family etc in far away places – its better to be early! – that being said, I am in Canada so the Thanksgiving date doesn’t play in. However, people here do get upset with Christmas activities before Remembrance Day.

  • LindseyM

    I agree with week-long happy hour :) Three of my friends from clerking are flying in to spend Thanksgiving with my family and I’m SO excited! They live in other parts of the country, so it is going to be great to get to see them. We would love to visit them more often, but we just really can’t with my husband’s grad program, and I feel too bad to go by myself and leave him miserable and alone. Also, it has just been a horrible 7 days for him in his masters’ program. One day last week he “went to bed” at 5:30 and “woke up” at 6:30. I think that is called a nap, not going to bed. Very excited for this round of midterms to be over. Part of me is glad I went pretty much straight through to grad school—there is no way I could go back to school now.

    • Jess

      How sweet of your friends to make the trip!

      I agree – 1 hr “sleep” is a nap.

  • suchbrightlights

    I got into a conversation about the etiquette of “thank you for attending” cards and I’m interested in the commentariat’s take. One side of the discussion said that the reception is the thank you for attending the ceremony, and that to send thank people for attending when the people did not send a gift comes off as gift-grabby or passive aggressive. The other side said that a sincere expression of appreciation for attending is never out of place. I fall on the latter side, but of course I got into this conversation the night after mailing the last of those thank you for coming cards and now I’m worried that some of the people who received them might have fallen on the side of door #1. I hope not, because all of these people enriched the party in their own ways and I appreciate that they made memories with us, which was the point of the card!

    I’m curious how many people subscribe to each side of the discussion, or if it’s regional, and I wonder about this group’s thoughts.

    • Not Sarah

      Most of the people who didn’t give us gifts traveled. Lodging alone could easily run several hundred dollars, which counts as a gift to me. We’ve been emphasizing how we recognize that it was an inconvenience for them to travel and that it wouldn’t have been the same without them there. I did put the “attendance only” thank you cards to the end of the list in case people just hadn’t sent gifts yet, but we are now getting to them since we’ve sent out all of the “thing” ones. (Our order for writing them is: card only, thing present, cash present, attendance only.) Interestingly, the US stamps are mostly gone now that we are done with the “thing present” ones and many Canada stamps remain for the “cash present” and “attendance only” ones.

    • Amy March

      I’m team thank you’s are for giving a gift. In no other circumstances would you ever send someone a thank you for attending a party. I don’t think it’s hideously offensive or anything, but it is unnecessary and risks looking like a passive aggressive just so you know, we did definitely notice you didn’t give a gift card. If someone helped with a task, sure, but not for just attending.

      • suchbrightlights

        I think my perspective on this is informed by the fact that in certain circumstances I WOULD thank someone for attending a party- if it were someone who made a significant effort to attend, for example. I wrote a couple of thank you notes to people who came to my mother’s surprise milestone birthday party who had had to come long distances. It meant a lot to her that they came, so it meant a lot to me that they came.

        • Amy March

          Eh, I think the reception is the thank you for attending the wedding though.

      • savannnah

        We had a large wedding, and did not speak to every guest that was there for any meaningful time or at all- I took the thank you cards as a moment to connect to those people who traveled from far away and thus didn’t get us a gift but who we also felt bad about not seeing enough during the reception. I don’t think they are a necessity in any means though.

    • lamarsh

      For what it’s worth, APW comes down on the side of sending thank you notes for attending:https://apracticalwedding.com/wedding-thank-you-card-wording-template/

      We sent them and it seemed appropriate, especially since the majority of our guests had to fly to attend our wedding.

    • emilyg25

      I don’t have a strong feeling on it, but we didn’t send thank you cards to those who didn’t give a gift. We did try to circulate so we could verbally thank everyone at the wedding and also made a brief thank you speech.

    • Emily

      I think sending a note is always appropriate if you genuinely mean it; either for attending a wedding/event or just because you’re thinking about some one. I’ve never heard of sending something called a “Thank you for attending” note though, so maybe it’s regional (I’m in Michigan).

    • I sent thank you for attending to everyone who came to our actual wedding (or at least of my people, I don’t remember what my husband did for his people), regardless of if they brought a gift. But I think the number of people that did that was very small and most of them had actually contributed a bunch of time to helping with wedding stuff, so I needed to thank them for that. I didn’t send any thank you for attendings from my Midwest reception. But most of my people there were coworkers, as opposed to close family/friends at the real wedding.

    • CMT

      I agree with Amy March, although I feel less strongly about thanking guests who traveled from far away.

      • Eenie

        Agreed. All of our guests traveled and most of them got us cards. We just sent thank yous to everyone. Plus we took a cute thank you photo for our card.

  • Jess

    Happy US Thanksgiving, APW!

  • In case anyone comes here to check in, I thought I’d mention that Sol à Mer is having a BOGO sale on hats now. I heard about these hats from @amymarch:disqus about two years ago and have been thinking about getting one ever since. And this sale was the final push! So in case anyone else was needing a little push to take the plunge, I thought I’d share the news! :)

    • Lawyerette510

      Thanks for the tip! Just BOGO’d and now I’m ready for my vacation next month!

      • I’m so glad that someone saw this! I was sad when I realized I couldn’t share the news with everyone on a regular happy hour, so I was hoping that with that comment, maybe someone would see it. Enjoy your vacation in your beautiful new hats! :)

    • Jess

      Ohhhhhhh I did need a push, but I’m going to keep waiting.

      • :) It’s an investment, to be sure. And the CAD to USD makes it even worse (I am in Canada). But since I had been thinking of it for soooo long, and I think they lowered the prices a while back too, and I was considering it even more then, then this was the last push I needed. I consider it an investment in my health because I do try to be careful with the sun and have one hat I wear, but the brim is smaller and it offers less protection. So….it’ an investment in my health! (That also happens to be pretty!) And I also love that they are made in NYC. I’ve been trying to become more intentional about making more ethical choices about my clothing, and this is one of my small steps. And Pact underwear and socks. :) I’ve slowly–when they go on sale because I have an artist’s budget–been getting some here and there. They are so comfortable and wearing them makes me feel happy. :)

        If you ever do get a hat, let us know in a future HH. :)

  • Natalie

    I have a dear friend who is trying to grow her family through adoption. She has struggled with infertility and adoption is the only way she and her husband can have kids. They are fostering a beautiful baby girl with the hopes of keeping her. However, it’s a very uncertain road. I’m finding it hard to say the right things to offer support and comfort during this very uncertain time for her family. Can anyone share their experience with adoption or something that really helped during the foster-to-adopt process? I want to be encouraging and positive without sounding dismissive of the hard, intense, and overwhelming feelings that seem to come with the adoption process. Thank you!

    • Jess

      I don’t have much experience in the fostering to adopt process, but I have found that simply letting friends speak their feelings and affirming that what they feel is valid and difficult is the best way to go.

    • Natalie, my best friend adopted twice and and one of my other closest friends did foster to adopt (she has three kids from adoption). Before I saw Jess’ comment, I was thinking that even so I had no advice what to say. And then I remembered that I just listened a lot and was there for them as best I could be. I checked in and asked how they were doing, and noted down important dates to try to remember them, etc. I did better with my best friend because when my other friend was fostering to adopt, I was a little clueless because I wasn’t at all at the same life stage. She was one of my first close girlfriends to have kids. And since that time, I’ve learned a lot and, I hope, can be more supportive (even though I am still not having kids).

      • Natalie

        Thank you for your comment. I realize she’s going to talk to me when she’s willing to share, but damn…it’s hard to see a friend struggle like she is, and feel like there must be something else I can do for her. Maybe it is just a matter of letting her vent when she needs to, and simply letting her know I’m here. Noting the important dates is also key, so thanks for the reminder. The court dates are super stressful for her so I’ve been trying to just text and let her know I’m available at any time to listen. <3

        • It sounds like you are already being a great friend and doing things that will encourage her and help her feel less alone in this time. Little check in texts and emails meant a ton to me when I was going through a hard time. She’s lucky to have a friend that is so intentional about wanting to support her and be there for her!