Happy Hour


Being Boss (and a puppy)

by Maddie Eisenhart, Chief Revenue Officer

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Hey APW,

Maddie here, reporting to you from the #APWOffice, where our new office puppy is sitting at my feet and trying to eat the cords attached to my surge protector (technically the puppy belongs to me, but we’re sharing her with the APW team Monday through Friday). Since this shortened week has been spent mostly chasing this tiny monster around and trying to keep her from eating all the office supplies, I don’t have much to report back other than… holy crap puppies have a lot of energy (hat tip to everyone in Oakland who let us play with you the past week and a half). But if you want to virtually hang out with the team, you should go check out Meg on the Being Boss Podcast. We won’t hold it against you if you don’t listen to the whole hour and a half (if you do, you get a cookie), but it’s pretty damn funny (if I do say so myself).

And with that, it’s the weekend and your happy hour y’all.  Get to it. I’ve got a glass of wine and How To Get Away With Murder calling my name.

Cheers,

Maddie

Link Roundup

That time the Huffpo editor said journalism was more authentic if it wasn’t paid for, unironically.

Why are women wearing pants STILL controversial?

The opposite of rape culture is nurturance culture (and men need to learn it)

The man who (basically) reads Obama’s mind.

Have you ever had a work wife? 

A producer is tweeting descriptions of women from movie scripts and it’s hilariously awful

The secret formula for reslilience

Maddie Eisenhart

Maddie is APW’s Chief Revenue Officer. She’s been writing stories about boys, crushes, and relationships since she was old enough to form shapes into words, but received her formal training (and a BS) from NYU in Entertainment and Mass Media in 2008. She now spends a significant amount of time thinking about trends on the internet and whether flower crowns will be out next year. A Maine native, Maddie currently lives on a pony farm in the Bay Area with her husband, Michael and their mastiff puppy. Current hair color: Purple(ish).

[Read comment policy before commenting]

  • A.

    <3 Rachel, always, but I'm actually with the people in her first sentence on the Work Wife article ("To some people, the idea of a “work husband” or “work wife” sounds shady AF.") I've personally always been more comfortable with "Work BFF" over Wife/Husband and since it's the same concept…why use the typically sexual/romantic terms at all? Though I appreciate that she shows one same sex pairing (though no dude-dude) since it typically IS pretty heteronormative of a concept; that is, where people who make friends with someone of the opposite sex—they're "office" married! People of the same sex? Just, like, normal friends and sometimes normal best friends because that's how friendship works. And I sort of still feel like that's the case, most of the time.

    • raccooncity

      I’m in a female dominated field and I’ve heard ‘work wife’ a lot between straight women. But that might be because the men are nowhere to be found…

      • A.

        Sure, I think that’s becoming more common. But typically it’s used to describe male/female relationships in the office, as though there can’t possibly be friendship between the opposite sex without some form of romance or sexuality coming into play (or further gender roles that are often assumed from the idea of marriage as well). In my experience, it often IS icky and while I get that it’s becoming more generalized, I don’t see why Work BFF, if we must label, doesn’t suffice. It takes out ickier assumptions, especially when/if you’re talking about an opposite sex straight pairing or a queer pairing of any gender combination.

        /random thing I feel maybe weirdly strongly about

        • A.

          *Even “jokey” romance or sexuality.

          If an individual personally likes those jokes, cool, it’s not about policing. But I think on a wider society level, the idea of Work Wives has never been helpful, particularly since women have a hard enough time not having to do “housekeeping” tasks at work. I see those things as semi-inextricably related, when talking about the old-school concept. So I’d just like to see it be replaced by something that doesn’t even hint at a romantic/gender roled bond.

          /okay done for real

          • Emily

            I agree with you. I never thought about the phrase “Work Wife” the way Rachel wrote about it– To me it always meant “the person who does all the organzing/planning/scheduling/social remembering/reminding”… i.e., the emotional labor.

            I do like the idea of acknowledging that person at work who helps you get through it!

          • A.

            Absolutely love acknowledging! I’ve had workplace best friends and they’re fabulous. But they were my best friends, not my wives or husbands.

            /haha jk about being done ;)

          • Eenie

            I honestly always thought the work wife/husband meant the parts of a marriage that wasn’t romantic or sexual. This was the person that was your outlet for lots of day to day work stuff that you then don’t have to dump on/explain to your actual spouse. I didn’t realize people meant it in a jokey way with an actual romantic or sexual relationship.

          • A.

            I think sometimes it can be actually romantic or sexual (I call it The Jim and Pam Phenomenon), but often I think it’s a dilution of what “marriage” is through society’s lens if that makes sense. So, like, if you are sharing part of your day with a co-worker who happens to be of the opposite sex, then there MUST be something going on lololol wink wink wink because what kind of man would want to hear about a woman’s problems unless she’s his ol’ ball and chain, amiright?

            I think that’s often subconscious, but pervasive.

        • raccooncity

          I actually hate the term myself, because I think it tends to have ZERO romantic/sexual overtones and refers instead, to the version of ‘wife’ that is someone you whine about your day to, and/or does the housekeeping things for you. Which is probably why people say ‘work husband’ so much less. I totally agree with your feelings on the matter, but I just wanted to point out that it’s becoming MORE widespread. And that I don’t think it’s sexual, which is actually a disservice to the whole ‘wife’ label.

          • A.

            Yup, totally agree and tried to clarify, perhaps not totally clearly, below. For similar reasons, especially the housekeeping stuff, I don’t think the word “wife” has any place in workplace. Which is rigid, I know, but…eh. :p

      • TeaforTwo

        I have a work wife. We’re both queer/bi women, although I’m married to a cis man and she’s partnered with a cis woman. We were both single when we met, though. (And then we met our partners at the same time. And now we’re both expecting at the same time time.)

        It’s a term that we only use ourselves (other people don’t use it “on” us) and you are right that it’s a romantic/sexual zero. We sat next to each other, doing the same job for a few years (have now moved on to different positions in the same organization) and so shared the most mundane details of everything with one another. It wasn’t quite BFF, because I would never bore my actual BFF with that stuff. And we rarely hung out outside of work, because we spent 8 hours a day together.

        We started using “work wife” because we were each other’s “person.” We covered for each other on vacation. We proofread each other’s stuff. We ate lunch together almost every day. I sat on her left, and when we walked down the street, I walked on her left, too, otherwise it felt weird. (We joked that we had established “sides of the bed.”)

        We weren’t doing each other’s chores or emotional labour…we just depended on one another lot and were always together.

        • SarahB

          In my social group, I hear the phrase used far more often between two women of similar work stations as well. One of my BFFs has what she calls a work wife, and while they’re super close friends at work, and cover for each other, and do much for each other there, they don’t hang out much outside of work. I hang with BFF outside of work, and every so often we’ll refer to each other as domestic partner, or belly dance wife (we’re in the same dance classes together) because we see each other almost as much as we each see our respective romantic mates, and end up doing errands or stop at the store for each other when we carpool to classes.

          • TeaforTwo

            The similar work stations is probably key. Sure, I’d print off meeting materials for her if we were going to the same meeting (and she would do the same for me) but just because it’s nice. If I referred to my admin assistant as a “work wife” that would be…a whole other level of inappropriate.

    • A.

      And to clarify why I pointed out no dude-dude, I also think it’s the extremely rare pair of straight men who would refer to themselves as “work husbands” instead of colleagues or friends.

      [Which may often in part be due to underlying homophobia, acknowledge]

      /omg A. go back to work you have a deadline

    • Mary Jo TC

      I totally agree with your discomfort, and mentioned it on the open thread on emotional labor earlier this week. I’m a teacher, and the former principal at my school used to call the school secretary his “work wife.” She went along with it because she’s the kind of person to go along with jokes, but I don’t think I ever heard her call him her “work husband.” The thing that bugged me about them using these terms was the inherent hierarchy in their relationship, and the way emotional labor was assigned to the secretary: keeping the schedule, reminding him of things, making appointments, though he also joked about her keeping him in line (barf). Honestly, if anyone ever tried to call me his work wife, I might start a file to keep track of a possible sexual harassment case. I agree, “work BFF” seems more appropriate. Most of the relationships in the Buzzfeed article are between co-workers of equal rank, so at least that gets rid of the icky man=boss vibe of “work wife” but I don’t think I’ll ever find these terms palatable.

    • emilyg25

      Yep, I hate this term. Just call them a friend! You can have friends of other genders!

    • Ms. Yes

      Now I def feel like an oldzzzz. I read this and had pretty much the opposite reaction of others.

      Work wife to me has always meant the assistant or secretary that indeed does all the emotional labor and is your support (practical, not emotional) system to free you to do your best work. I’ve had a few and they have been indispensable and I often joke that I wished I had a wife at home too (please don’t kill me, I have since learned that though I was using the phrase ironically – i.e. wishing I had what once defined “wife” – it was further reinforcing that as the preferred definition. I don’t use it anymore).

      When I read the following line I thought… wow… look at that. We ARE improving as a society. Here the marital relationship (ignoring the heteronormative aspects) is being defined as one of an emotional bond vs. servitude. Buzzfeed is def written and targeted to people younger than me but I found it refreshing (putting aside squickiness about the term itself).

      “The one you know is going to psych you up right before your yearly review, let you vent openly about office frustrations, have the same reaction as you do when a co-worker says something ridiculous, and save some of the free food in the break room because you’re on a phone call when it’s set out.”

    • Leah

      There are a few straight cis-male middle-aged guys in my office who refer to each other as work husbands, and it’s pretty great. I guess cuz they’re long-hetero-married guys it just cracks them up (as it does the rest of us). One sometimes calls me his work-wife, and that’s less entertaining, because it works best when people are bucking the sexism.

    • Meg

      I usually fall into a work parent type relationship. Like I just don’t want to disappoint them.

    • Caitlin

      Haha, upvoted every comment you made on this topic because I completely agree. It seems like a weird hetero normative and gendered concept to me. We already have a term for people who support each and vent to each other that doesn’t have strange icky implications: friends. Wife/husband is a legal term for a romantic partner that has been sanctioned by the state and I want to move to a world where these terms don’t have prescribed roles, so I will not be using it to describe other relationships based on gendered prescriptive roles thankyouverymuch.

    • Jsk

      Long time work wife (both same and opposite sex partnerships) chiming in.

      Never thought about the term as anything other than close work friend. The person you go to coffee with when you’re both having a bad day. The person who grabs you lunch when it’s 230 and you’re hangry AF but can’t break away from the phone.

      Interesting to read everyone’s perspective!

  • Eenie

    We gave up on this week Wednesday evening. It was one of those weeks where I felt accomplished if I ate 3 meals a day and got more than 6 hours of sleep. I do not comprehend how people with children to take care of as well do it. The two cats were more than we could handle this week.

  • raccooncity

    I’m reading happy hour from California! Life goal accomplished, I guess.

    It’s lovely here, and thanks to everyone who recommended things to do last week…I actually got to a couple of them. I forgot to mention that I’m staying with/courtesy of the in-laws, who a) don’t like eating out much and b) (one of them) HATES fish

    So…I snuck in as much fish taco, poke, sushi, etc. as I could when I was left to my own devices. The sun is GLORIOUS though. <3 I might never go home.

    • ART

      Welcome, have fun!

  • Alanna Cartier

    I bought a dress this week, and booked a photographer guys. Soon I will get to do things that aren’t meeting with wedding vendors and it’s going to be awesome.

    • Oh, I’m jealousssssssssssssssss!

  • lady brett

    office puppy!!!

    also, i don’t have the time right now, but i *really* want to read that piece on resilience. it is such a fascinating and important concept (and ties in closely to the amazing book i’m reading right now about trauma).

  • Ashlah

    Has anyone else been seething since reading this horrifying article about the effects of the abortion ban at a Catholic hospital in Michigan? It’s unbelievable. One of our local hospitals, and our largest local healthcare provider, is a Catholic organization. I’m left wondering how I find out their standard of care in these cases, because I’m now terrified to go there for eventual pregnancy care. Their website states they don’t perform abortions, but states an exception for ectopic pregnancy. What about cases like those in the article? Disgusting that these are even questions women have to consider. That I should have to wonder whether my doctor will value my life.

    • Kayjayoh

      And more and more hospitals are quietly merging with Catholic hospitals.

      • emilyg25

        And it’s a huge problem in rural areas where there aren’t other options! Sometimes they won’t do vasectomies either.

    • Lulu

      Reading happy hour is starting to become an expensive hobby, because I keep making rage-fueled donations in response to things that get me REAL fired up.

      • Kayjayoh

        Just keep your receipts for tax time.

    • Eenie

      Our health care system is insane.

    • Emily

      I’m lucky to be in Ann Arbor with a myriad of doctors to choose from BUT Trinity Health is one of the 2 big providers in town. My previous primary care provider flat-out told me that I would have to go to Planned Parenthood if I wanted an abortion no matter the reason… I’m not sure what people do in places that only have one hospital and that hospital is owned by Trinity…

      • Emily

        I should mention that Mercy Health Partners, mentioned in the linked article, are a subsidiary of Trinity Health

    • Kara

      I’m at a loss for words. I’m just fuming, and I’m so thankful that there are still a few Planned Parenthood locations around (if the Supreme Court sides with Texas law makers, I’m going to have an effing fit).

      • Natalie

        I’m really grateful for the independent abortion-performing family practice clinic near my house. Just that it exists. We’re in Montana, where there are very few abortion providers for a huge geographic area, and this clinic was bombed/burned down a few decades ago and rebuilt. It gives me comfort knowing that there’s a clinic that I can go to for family planning and know that my doctors will put my well being above ideology. I ride my bike past the clinic on my way to and from work, and often there are protestors outside. It’s really hard to resist yelling at them, which I know would accomplish nothing except making me late to work.

        • another lady

          I used to live by a Planned Parenthood Clinic that didn’t even offer abortions (abortions were done at another more private location across town) and people protested there quite frequently. They were not too informed on the actual procedures of the clinic. But, most of the protesters were only there in good weather (we live in WI, so not ideal weather happens a lot!) But, I did have to respect the ones who still showed up and protested in the snow and sleet!

          • Eenie

            No you don’t have to respect them because they showed up in bad weather. It’s just a great example of someone who is blindly committed to a “cause” and doesn’t actually understand what they’re doing and who they are affecting.

          • Kayjayoh

            I used to work in a PPWI clinic (doing education) that was housed in the same building as a non-PPWI abortion clinic. We had a regular group of protestors, including a regular with a huge, graphic sign. At the same time, we never had as many as I would have expected, for which I was grateful.

    • Amy March

      If you have a local newspaper, a letter to the editor asking these questions might be a way to prompt a public response.

    • another lady

      Both hospitals in my area are catholic and sister hospitals to each other. however, I was happy to learn that they do offer birth control services to women and I have had a great experience with my pre-natal care there so far. Also, the individual practitioners have talked about birth control in great lengths after giving birth. I’m not sure about abortions, though. maybe not all catholic hospitals and doctors are created equal. I also read in other places that it was a myth that catholic hospitals value the baby over the mother’s life. And, the pope just said that women/men in Zika virus effected countries should consider using birth control methods to avoid pregnancy. Things might be changing as we speak!

      • Ashlah

        I mean, I’m sure it’s true to an extent that individual hospitals and doctors are different, but technically, according to the article:

        In the US, hospitals that advertise themselves as Catholic must follow a set of medical directives written by the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. All doctors working at the hospital must follow church teachings, regardless of their personal beliefs, and the hospital is responsible for instructing its staff on the directives.

        What’s so frustrating and scary about this (or maybe it’s the upside that gives a hospital room to decide, depending on how you look at it) is that those rules require them not to perform an abortion unless the woman’s life is in danger, but it’s up to individual hospitals to determine the exact threshold for when her life is considered endangered. Obviously, the hospital in the article had a scarily high threshold and put women at major risk.

        • doublegus

          This makes me so very, very angry. That a religious organization can make medical decisions that are opposed to sound and safe medical practices blows my mind. I had an abortion last year for fatal birth defects that I would not have been able to get in one of these institutions had I gotten my care there. My partner and I completely nixed a town or two in the PNW for our upcoming move because the only hospital systems there were Catholic. I will not give them my money if I have a choice.

      • Lisa

        It really depends on the hospital and the doctors there and whether they’re willing to bend the rules to work with you. I’ve used Catholic hospitals for most of my life, and when I went to get my IUD, the OB/gyn said that she couldn’t prescribe one for birth control without another factor. I asked her what kind of other factors she meant, and she responded, “Well, if you were having heavy periods for example…” And I immediately said, “Yes, blood. Everywhere. All of the time.”

        And then it made a lot more sense why my first OB/gyn at a different Catholic hospital followed up a line of questioning about my birth control preferences with questions about my menstrual flow.

    • Amy March

      Fills me with rage. If you get any federal money, and just about every hospital does, you should not be allowed to discriminate against women. Which means offering them every appropriate form of medical care that you are capable of giving, just like men.

      • Natalie

        I agree. In addition, if your religion prevents you from offering appropriate medical care, you should not be in the business of running hospitals.

    • Laura C

      This, from a year ago, is by a friend who’d had a similar experience in the past with a Catholic hospital. Really scary stuff.

      • Ashlah

        How scary. Thank you for sharing, and I’m glad your friend received good care this time around.

    • Eenie

      Sidenote: how do you do the links in disqus? I want to know and haven’t figure it out yet….

    • another lady

      It would be worth while to talk to the specific hospital staff or doctors that you are considering going to and getting more information about the procedures and types of care that you are concerned about. This might also very by state because of the laws.

    • Natalie

      So much rage. I personally will not go to a Catholic hospital if I have another option, because I simply don’t trust them to put my well being first. The problem, as this article points out, is that they’re taking control of private hospitals, leaving many women with no options.

    • emmers

      That’s terrifying. The Longest Shortest Time had a really good podcast on abortion this week, from the perspective of a OBGYN who both delivers babies and performs abortions as part of her practice. I highly recommend it.

  • Kayjayoh

    Would someone please tell me to go take my lunch break and do my weekly weights workout? I want to just take a nap under my desk, but I haven’t done weights since last week.

    • Ashlah

      Do it! You’ll feel proud and strong after it’s done! Then take a nap when you get home tonight because those are great too.

      • Kayjayoh

        Tonight I am monitor-sitting two couple’s children at a hotel, while they do convention activities. But maybe that will be conducive to napping.

    • Keeks

      Dooo it! You’ll feel so much better afterwards, I promise. I skipped my Friday lunch class and now I have regret. Don’t be like me.

    • Emily

      Commit to only doing ten minutes… after ten minutes I bet you’ll feel like finishing your normal routine!

      • Kayjayoh

        If I’m going to go, I’m going to go. Not worth it for 10 minutes, since it will take me 20 to change/get there/get back. (I can change in my office while being on the computer, so as least I don’t have to use up lunch time for that.)

        • Emily

          Oh, I didn’t add in that other time. Well… go! :)

    • I always tell myself that working out is a gift to myself, and you don’t refuse a gift! lol.

    • Eenie

      If you go work out today then you won’t have to dwell on the thought that you didn’t go AT ALL this week.

  • Awe! Cute puppy! Animals make everything better. <3

  • Mari

    Last night I got a text from one of my bridesmaids, my brother’s girlfriend, asking if she could bow out. She said that while she was honored that I asked her to be a bridesmaid, the thought of her standing up in a wedding wearing a dress was causing her to have a breakdown because she’s transitioning to male. I’m still using female pronouns because she’s only out to a small handful of people that includes my brother and her friends, and she requested that I keep calling her by her name and using female pronouns until she comes out to her family (I’ll call her Alex). I told Alex that it was fine to step down but I would still like for her to have a role in the wedding that was less stressful, if she would like it. Alex agreed, and we decided to talk about it more this weekend. I support Alex 100%, and Alex is definitely still invited and welcome but…this is just a shock. In the time I’ve known Alex, I never would have guessed. I still love Alex all the same but I guess I’m just having trouble processing it (is that normal?) I’ve been wanting to talk to my brother, but I figure he’d talk if he wants to, and if he’s ready.

    • Kayjayoh

      Best of all luck/joy/strength to Alex.

      • Danielle

        <3

    • MC

      As a cis person who knows some trans folks, my opinon is that your emotions are totally normal. One of my cousins came out as trans 2 years ago, and her family is super supportive and it still was a shock to them and it took the family some time to adjust – I mean, you have spent x number of years knowing Alex as a woman and now your perception of them as a person has to change, which is a lot. Also, advice I’ve heard from a trans friend is to basically follow the “comfort in, dump out” suggestion here: http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

      Basically, it was really hard for him to hear that his family was having trouble with his transition when he was feeling really relieved and happy that he was finally doing it, and really wanted his family & friends to be excited with him. So keep in mind that while it will probably be a difficult and confusing time for Alex in some ways, it will also be a really happy and profound time in others. Sounds like you are already being an awesome & supportive friend, so yay!

      • Eenie

        I was typing about the same, comfort in/dump out suggestion! I would think the brother is not in the dumping side but the comfort side. You may want to find a friend who is REALLY good at secrets or doesn’t overlap with your brother/family/Alex so you have a place to talk about it.

      • KM

        YES YES YES to comfort in, dump out. So, here that means you can comfort/support Alex and your brother, but don’t dump your own uncertainty/questions on either of them – they are feeling it more than you.

    • Amy March

      Of course its normal! It’s a huge change in a close relationship. You need to be loving and kind, but you don’t need to not have feelings to work through.

    • Rose

      I think that when you’re someone who wants to be supportive, and is in all theory, it can really bug you that, in practice, things that you think you’re fine with take a little bit of adjusting to when you’re more directly involved. It’s a smaller-scale example, but an old, old friend of mine switched recently to they/them as pronouns. For a long time now I’ve totally thought that that was a good choice for a lot of people, I’ll defend it as an option against the grammar police; but it’s still a lot weirder than I’d expected to use it about someone I know. I figure that my part in being supportive here is to not let that weirdness show with the friend, and instead get used to it in my own head. Anyway, shorter answer, I think that it’s ok to need to adjust to something unexpected, and it doesn’t automatically make you a bad friend or a bad person or anything, especially if you don’t let any of that need to process spill over onto Alex. (I mean, there are a lot of other unexpected things a friend could tell you that you’d need time to process too–a lot of it’s probably not really about the gender transition specifically, so much as the surprise).

      • Jessica

        A friend of mine transitioned to they/them pronouns and changed their name. If discussing the friend in present tense, my friend group has zero problem using the preferred pronouns. If discussing something that happened in college, we slip into the old ones (and immediately go “shoot! THey! Them!” and hate that we did that). It’s a transition for the community their in, and for some it will be a more difficult transition than others.

    • Danielle

      Hey! I dated someone who was super butch/on the trans spectrum, and she ended up wearing a suit to her bestie’s wedding, and standing up alongside ladies wearing similar colored dresses to her tie.

      I have also seen bridal parties that are a total mix of genders (including guys for a bride’s best supporting people, ladies for a groom’s best people — check out APW posts about “Bridal Brigade”) and it seems fun and less stuffy than a traditional gender-segregated bridal party, plus they can find matching colors for various accessories if they want.

      TL,DR: Sorry that you and Alex are stressing out! It’s a stressful time. But he can still be part of your wedding party if he wants to <3

    • eating words

      The feelings are totally normal. I’m cis and have a couple of friends who have transitioned from F to M, and it’s an adjustment for sure, even when you’re 100% supportive. As everyone else has said, comfort and support go to Alex, and the processing can stay in your head or go to someone else. I know I felt really terrible when I used a person’s former pronouns a couple of times, but all you can do is correct yourself and apologize, and help support the transition to other people who might be having a harder time with it (once it’s more public, in this case.)

      And if the issue is with the dress, maybe Alex can wear a suit, as someone else mentioned?

    • Lizzy

      The timeliness of your comment has compelled me to finally join these APW discussions. I just dealt with the official coming out of my sibling as gender-queer to a couple immediate family members this past weekend. They had already mentioned it to me a few months ago and I’m being as supportive as possible. I wouldn’t say I was shocked… I was probably more confused at first because it was mentioned in passing during a conversation that involved wine and honestly at the time I didn’t quite know what it meant and said something along the lines of ‘It doesn’t matter to me, you’ll always be my sibling’ (chances are I even used the word ‘sister’ and it was corrected to ‘sibling’, so talk about immediately saying the wrong thing – oops). Overall, I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for them and I am so happy that they are feeling so much better about life and everything. Still, it is taking me longer to process than I thought it would (and more of that is happening since this past weekend) – I have over 30 years to look back on. Plus, they and I went wedding dress shopping the next day and I wondered if that was weird (but they had agreed before-hand, so I went with it). And wow – is it ever difficult in practice to say sibling, they, them! I would like my brain to learn it faster because I felt like a bad person every time I messed up and sometimes it seemed like the word just got stuck in my mouth! So all that to say, it must totally be normal, because me too at this exact moment! Support!

      • EF

        as someone who only dreams of having a family that would be supportive enough to use sibling/they/them…your sibling knows you’re trying. and that counts for a LOT. there will be slip-ups. but let them correct you, or correct yourself, but don’t make a big deal out of it. with some time, it’ll be normal to you, and you’ll look back with pride, I’m sure. :-)

    • EF

      so i am a person who uses they/them pronouns. (and generally identify as agender. being able to say that is fairly recent, after basically a life of ‘but i just don’t understand what people mean when they say women/lady/girl!’) i can’t speak for all people, but i am active in the lgbt+ community, and a couple suggestions:
      1) way to go for wanting to include alex! but make sure she feels comfortable. will her family be there? because that may change comfort levels, particularly if she’s out and accepted by yours, but not hers.
      2) don’t wait for your brother to come to you. don’t push it, but send a text or something saying that you love him, love alex, and want the best for both of them. and if he needs a shoulder you are here.
      3) if you’re close to alex — and it sounds like you really are — when you get the chance to talk to her next, ask what pronouns she wants to use. I know a thing or two about waiting to use pronouns publicly, and it was years of using my own pronouns, my own different name, in my head before i could even whisper it to my partner. alex probably knows what she prefers, so when you find out, start using those pronouns in your head when you think of alex. THIS WILL HELP, when it comes time to use them publicly.
      4) chances are people are going to say something to you about your brother and alex, especially as becomes more publicly known that alex is transitioning. you might want to think about how you want to bow out of answering these. non-cis people spend a lot of time avoiding questions about sexuality, hormones, genitals, etc….but our close people get them a lot too. so…just think about handling confrontation, maybe saying that you adore the couple and couldn’t be happier to watch them grow together.
      5) it’s ok to feel confused and surprised. do you know any other trans people? or read trans blogs? talking/reading it out could be helpful. a discussion just posted on everydayfeminism might be a good place to start! http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/02/questions-trans-people-have/

  • AGCourtney

    I got my daughter’s art corner set up! I mentioned last week I found a kid’s art table on Craigslist and snagged it for $40. It took a couple of days to get all the art supplies amassed and organized, but I used some bins and such from around the house and the dollar store and it’s fantastic. She was quite the prolific artist yesterday!

    I missed the EL discussion, but we actually had quite the breakthrough this week. We invited my husband’s parents out for dinner for the first time on Wednesday – we live in the same town, we just usually go to their house. My husband had the day off, and he actually did things. Productive things. Like an adult. And was actually quite helpful. (seriously, ordinarily he would have been on his phone/tablet all day.) And while that day stood out, he’s been stepping up a bit more the past couple weeks in general, too. I knew I was bitter about this issue, but it amazed me how much of what I had chalked up to “well, they say the first year of marriage is hard” seems to have been tied up with only this. It’s a recent development, we’ll see how it goes, but it’s heartening.

    And, in a minor-yet-significant step for me, I’ve been letting myself play Sims a bit. I love Sims, but I seldom let myself play because there’s always something more productive to do. I hadn’t played in months before last week. …it’s nice.

    • NotMarried!

      It looks great!

    • Ashlah

      I would have loved that art corner when I was a kid! Awesome job.

    • another lady

      love the art corner!
      Letting yourself relax is such an important SKILL! I didn’t truly learn this until I came down with a chronic health condition and literally couldn’t do as much because my body wouldn’t let me. I have become more okay with the mess and embraced the ‘lazy’ side of letting myself relax and chill out when needed. It is so helpful to my mental and physical health.

      • AGCourtney

        Yeah. I journal every day, and that’s an important part of my self-care, but I think I just needed something purely fun to do to relax, as well. And it was hard to let myself do that.

    • Lawyerette510

      I had an art station as a kid and loved it. This looks like so much fun!

    • emilyg25

      I’m 31 and I’m jealous of that art station.

      • another lady

        I have been jealous of my sister’s craft room for years! I just made my own ‘scrapbooking area’ in the basement with all of my crafting supplies and I am super pumped about it!

  • Rachel

    Hot damn what a weird week. Fiance came home on Tuesday after getting sick at work. We woke up Wednesday morning and I got sick. Both of us stayed home Wednesday to recover. Fiance thought he was well enough to go to work on Thursday but I definitely was not. Fiance ended up getting sick again last night. I’m still feeling very shaky but I’m back at work today. I’m thankful for Gatorade (even though I can’t stop quoting The Waterboy…GAAAATORAAAADEEEE) and saltine crackers because that’s what’s staying down and not making me queasy. This weekend will be filled with resting, fluids, and Netflix. Hope everyone else is in better health :)

    • ART

      I swear by yellow Gatorade after that sort of thing. Feel better!

      • Rachel

        That’s exactly what I’m drinking. Best flavor IMO :)

      • Eenie

        Gatorade actually has a lot of sugar in it. Pedialite got me through mono for six months. My pharmacists friend told me. Your body can only handle so much sugar.

        • ART

          Thankfully, I have only ever needed (or wanted) it for a day at a time. I can’t imagine how much a longer-term illness would suck, I’m glad you were able to find something that worked for you. For me, the bottle of bright yellow sugar water is a miracle elixir after a day or two of stomach bug.

    • VKD_Vee

      Oh, bless you, hon! I had a BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD “Gatorade Week” a few months ago and I was actually convinced I was going to die for a full 24hrs. I actually FAINTED on the toilet while being violently, violently ill. Gatorade is awesome, but DUDES the best colour is TOTALLY ORANGE!

      • Ashlah

        BLUE!

        I like Gatorade when I’m hungover, but only if I’m really hungover, otherwise it’s too sugary for my taste. In fact, I’ve found “Does this Gatorade taste refreshing or terrible?” to be a good test of the severity of my hangover. I’m sure if I were as ill as either of you, it would taste heavenly!

        • CP2011

          After a night of major binge drinking/barfing while visiting a friend in NYC a few years ago, I remember waking up, finding the nearest bodega and returning with both a frappacino and a giant red (best flavor!) Gatorade. It seemed like a wise choice at the time. Never again will I be caught drinking both of those simultaneously.

      • Lisa

        Orange is definitely the ONLY flavor for stomach problems!

  • Ms. Yes

    Woot! First Happy Hour where I’m actually at a computer WITH time to join (as opposed to other weeks when I’m at the computer an procrastinating on actual important things and not allowing myself time to join).

    It’s been a rough couple of months. My company had to downsize by almost half last year and the last couple of months of job hunting have been less than fruitful. Some of you may remember me posting on the Women Should Run the World thread about my current frustrations with a project at Dude Bro Inc.

    Well… last week after getting another rejection letter from a job I didn’t want (except – hey… weddings cost bank!) I sort of went off the rails. Meaning total blues for a couple days, spontaneous tears and negative 100% motivation to deliver on this project. Totally whiffed a deadline and went MIA from Dude Bro Inc for almost a week.

    This is SO NOT LIKE ME. It’s not like me to NOT get offers, and I definitely don’t blatantly drop balls. So am currently struggling with beating myself up for damaging an otherwise strong reputation AND forgiving myself by acknowledging that sometimes “doing the best I can” actually means just waking up and putting on pants.

    Anyone else ever have to come to terms with it being okay to be occasionally broken?

    • emilyg25

      It helps to remind myself to treat me like I’d treat a close friend. You’d never be as hard on a close friend as you probably are on yourself!

      • Ms. Yes

        Thanks Emily. That is so very true; funny how we can’t be as good to ourselves as we are to others.

    • CMT

      I don’t know if it applies to your situation, but when I was reading about Seasonal Affective Disorder on the Mayo Clinic site I was surprised that they called out hypersensitivity to rejection as a symptom. And it is a symptom I have definitely felt the past few months, especially when I was rejected for a job I really wanted, for which I had put in a lot of time and effort for the application and interviews. And it’s a symptom I’m still feeling, like yesterday when the office in my apartment building was closed early so I couldn’t get a package and then cried about it.

      • Ms. Yes

        Huh. I NEVER would have thought of that. I definitely live in the grey zone so will look into that. Wouldn’t it be marvelous if a fancy little lamp could just zap me out of this funk! Hope spring is eternal… Thanks for the info!

      • Natalie

        I am totally suffering seasonal affective disorder and every little slight is hitting me unusually hard. I knew that moving from New Mexico to Montana, I’d miss the sun, but I really had no idea how much it would affect every aspect of my mood and personality. The sun came out for a few hours today, and It Was Awesome! And now it’s gone and I’m sad again…

    • Eenie

      Job searching is the worst. I feel ya.

      • Ms. Yes

        True story – good luck to you :-)

        • Eenie

          I got one! I just remember how much each non answer and rejection felt.

    • another lady

      I felt this rejection for something you really didn’t want when I got rejected from a job at a Target store shortly after college. It was so heart breaking knowing that I couldn’t get a job at Target after going to college! I’m a smart, educated women with retail experience and can’t work as a clerk at a Target store! Not that I really wanted to or that it was a good job or anything… just that I needed the money and tried hard at the interview and still didn’t even get an offer. My brother felt this same way when he didn’t get an interview at a Domino’s pizza (like: what am I gonna do if I can’t even work at Domino’s pizza?!?) Being rejected sucks!

      • Ms. Yes

        My FH likened it to being dumped by the guy you didn’t really like first.

        • another lady

          so true… it’s like: YOU are dumping ME…? no, no, NO. I’M dumping YOU and you should be sad because I’m AWESOME!

    • emmers

      This makes me think of this, which I just read and is sooo good! http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jamie-varon/to-anyone-who-thinks-theyre-falling-behind_b_9190758.html

      • Ms. Yes

        such a good read. She’s like my cosmic twin right now…

  • Cellistec (formerly Lizzie)

    I realized this week that not even two months into 2016, I’ve officially said yes to too many things. Three international trips, four weddings, the accompanying bridal and baby showers, and a 50-mile charity bike ride, for starters. I feel a little guilty about all the travel, because on two of the trips I’m going with friends and not my husband, yet it’s OUR money (joint accounts, woo) paying my way. Not to mention I’ll be ditching him at home with the dog for nearly 3 weeks total. My husband supports the crap out of me so I’m trying just to be excited and to keep an eye out for chances to do fun things with him. But still, if I could get in my time machine and go back to mid-2015, I’d say no to some of these things. Because they’ll be fun and all, but those yeses mean everything else for the rest of the year is pretty much a NO, full stop.

    • Amy March

      If you want to say no, you probably still can? At least to the bridal and baby showers, or even just no to showers you have to travel for when you are saying yes to the weddings?

      Or go and enjoy them to the max, but saying no for the next 10.5 months sounds hard!

      • Cellistec (formerly Lizzie)

        Oh, don’t get me wrong, I want to do ALL THE THINGS. I’m just starting to see how the cumulative effect of them means taking time and money away from my husband. So, I’m guilt-tripping myself. But as my mom always said when I was traveling in college, you won’t miss the money, but you’ll miss the experience.

        • another lady

          definitely agree with your mom’s quote. Also, see how your husband actually feels about you leaving and spending ‘our’ money. He might be okay with it or even happy to have the free time to himself (not to sounds rude). I have a few co-workers who have been married longer than I have been alive and they frequently travel separately from their husbands. It allows them to take the fun kinds of trips that they enjoy by themselves or with other girlfriends. The husbands actually seem to enjoy it when the wives travel. They get some much needed time, can eat what they want, can be lazy around the house or pursue their own hobbies. And, some of them even travel by themselves or have hunting trips with the guys. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, as they say!

        • TeaforTwo

          For what it’s worth, I love when my husband goes away for a few days without me, and he loves when I do the same. Sleeping starfish across the bed! Eating chips for dinner in front of a movie the other person would hate! A happy reunion at the end! It’s the best.

          • MC

            Yep – Husband and I both love traveling by ourselves / having the other person travel without us sometimes. It means we can nurture our individual relationships with friends & family, pursue hobbies the other isn’t into, etc.

  • Amy March

    Are we talking about the Pope this week? Because one the one hand, love, but on the other hand not sure that I’m particularly comfortable with deciding other people aren’t Christians, but on the other hand I don’t really disagree, but on the last hand do they hit the mini-bottles of liquor hard on these Vatican flights because I feel like he says the most unexpected things on planes.

    • Caitlin

      If you read the full quote, it doesn’t seem inappropriate to me. Pope Francis was asked by a reporter whether an American Catholic could vote for “a person like” Trump and Francis answered, A “person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not building bridges, is not Christian. This is not in the Gospel. As far as what you said about whether I would advise to vote or not to vote, I am not going to get involved in that. I say only that this man is not Christian if he says things like that. We must see if he said things in that way and in this I give the benefit of the doubt” https://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2016/02/19/what-the-pope-did-and-didnt-mean-when-he-said-trump-was-not-a-christian/ It’s not nearly as incendiary or controversial in full context, but of course, you would never know that from most coverage of it.

      • Caitlin

        Really procrastinating on some geocoding that’s not working correctly and went to the full Italian text (caveat that translation is mine and it’s been a few years since I lived in Italy):

        Interviewer: ” You have spoken of the many problems of the immigrants, from the other side of the border, in the USA there is fairly tough campaign on this. The Republican candidate, Donald Trump, has said in interviews that you are a “political man” and a “pawn” of the Mexican government for the immigrant policies. Trump has said that he would like to construct a 2,500 kilometer wall and deport 11 million illegal immigrants. What do you think? Should a Catholic American vote for him?”

        Pope Francis: “Thanks be to God that he said I am political, because Aristotle defined a human person as a “political animal”, and this means that at least I am a human person. Me a pawn? Well, I leave it to your judgement and the judgement of the people. A person who thinks only of building walls and not bridges, is not a Christian. This is not in the Gospel. To vote for him or not vote for him? I do not meddle, only say that this man is not a Christian, if he really has spoken and said those things.”

        And wow my Italian is rusty, but that took me much longer than it should have!

    • pajamafishadventures

      I agree. As much as I want everyone to call out Trump for being terrible, it felt like it could easily creep into “No true Christian…” territory and that’s just messy.

    • Cellistec (formerly Lizzie)

      Granted, I’m not a Christian or a Republican voter so I don’t have a stake in this, but my concern was more that the Pope gave Trump free publicity while probably changing the minds of exactly zero Trump supporters. B+ for effort, but man that backfired.

    • I’m pretty comfortable with what he said. I found his phrasing gentle and general but also pointed — because so many politicians who identify as Christian do things that are, like, OBVIOUSLY against the teachings of the New Testament. It’s kind of sad to me that saying “Yo, that’s not what the Gospels say…?” feels radical.

  • Laura C

    Word to the wise: As it turns out, when you’re carrying 24 extra pounds overwhelmingly on your front, your ability to save yourself from a fall after tripping is … not a thing that exists. Boom, on the ground. And now my knee is gross. And I am having to remind myself that while my husband is going to have serious trouble watching me in pain during labor, it’s not going to be a sudden thing that terrifies him about what’s happening to me like it is when we’re walking down the street and suddenly I’m on the ground and he doesn’t know if I tripped or passed out or what. He’ll be somewhat prepared and know it’s happening for a reason and hopefully that’ll mean he’s less freaked out. Right?

    We did have a funny moment — we did worksheets from the childbirth class we took and they each basically asked about our openness to pain medication, 1 being under no circumstances and 10 being immediately. His answer was “10, but let’s be serious.” In general he was reading the questions he had and going “these are all ways of asking if I respect you at all.”

    • TeaforTwo

      I love it, that’s a very sensible way for him to interpret questions about his birth preferences for when you give birth.

      (My equal parenting win this week is that I’m taking a prenatal breastfeeding class run by La Leche League, and my husband is the only partner who is attending. Frankly, most of the content is about setting up a birth/post birth experience that’s conducive to getting off to a good start, sleeping arrangements, being taken care of by other people so you can focus on nursing, etc…it’s not at all a course that should be attended just by the parent who plans to nurse, because 80% of it has been stuff that HE should do so that I can nurse, and the other 20% is stuff that it will be handy to have him remember when I’m tired and overwhelmed.)

      I also had a fall in the subway this week, and my knee is also gross. I literally slipped on a banana peel that someone had left on the ground and didn’t have the balance to recover. A BANANA PEEL. I got home and told my husband I’d had a fall, and he got very seriously scared and asked what happened, and when I said banana peel, he couldn’t stop laughing. Compost responsibly, people.

      • Laura C

        At least a banana peel gives you a good story!

        We should’ve signed up for a prenatal breastfeeding class but my work schedule has included so many nights we didn’t see how we could fit it in. Fingers crossed that the breastfeeding class offered while we’re in the hospital is helpful, plus a good reminder that I need to follow up about hiring a postpartum doula. Like, maybe right now since I have the afternoon off.

        • TeaforTwo

          My experience with the class has been that I already knew most of it from talking to friends or from the reading I’ve done during pregnancy, and I’m sure that my midwife will cover the parts I hadn’t known. (Midwives in Ontario do 6 weeks of postpartum care including 4 or 5 in-home visits in the first two weeks to check on healing, screen for PPD and help establish breastfeeding.)

          I am still glad we’re going, but the biggest benefit is from the fact that someone ELSE is telling my husband all of this stuff, instead of me, which is not the parenting dynamic that I want to establish. Which is why I wish that other partners were going, too.

          • Amy March

            #smugcanadians

            tongue-in-cheek, but srsly though

          • TeaforTwo

            To be clear, not all pregnant women get this: midwives are paid for by the public healthcare system (and are cheaper than OB-GYNs), but their care is so in-demand (see above re: home visits) that they can only accept about one-quarter of the clients who try to access their services.

            Being Canadian is great – even if you don’t get a midwife, you still get 100% free prenatal, labour and delivery and postnatal care, but most women have to leave the house for it. We’re trying to change that.

          • Lulu

            Shout out to the unsung (albeit incremental) progress of the ACA: it dramatically expanded funding for a program called MIECHV, which provides home visits to at-risk families. These programs are incredibly effective at encouraging breastfeeding, teaching about developmental milestones, and preventing child abuse. Would be amazing for them to be universal!

          • Eenie

            If Donald Trump is elected president we have plans to move to Canada. Reaffirming it would be the best decision ever (except the weather-60 degrees today!).

          • CP2011

            What’s your plan? We’ve talked a few times about how we could do but it seems impossible!

          • Eenie

            The oil and gas industry needs to rebound and then we both get jobs there with our relevant experience :) So…. OPEC, go ahead and get on that ASAP. Even if Donald isn’t elected, I’d love to see some bonuses again. Other options are going to grad school up there.

          • StevenPortland

            Proof I live in a very liberal area: my 3rd grader is worried because he thinks we are the only family in his school that isn’t already planning the move to Canada in case of Trump.

          • Laura C

            That’s similar to what we want a postpartum doula for — someone to come in a couple times a week for the first few weeks. During my husband’s (too-short) leave, he’ll have some time with the doula there to answer questions and be a source of support and advice, but also some time without her, so he has a chance to develop some confidence on his own. And then when he goes back to work, I’ll have some support some of the time to help with that transition.

          • TeaforTwo

            That is really good planning. I’ve been looking into a postpartum doula because my mother’s not around, and I’m a bit worried about how much in-law help I can accept while maintaining boundaries/sanity. I hadn’t even thought of using the doula to coach my husband through newborn care without me, but it sounds brilliant.

        • emilyg25

          I did the breastfeeding class but still had no idea what I was doing. I needed someone there to watch me and literally shove my tit in that weeble’s mouth. A good lactation consultant is invaluable!

      • CMT

        That happened to me once! I slipped on a banana peel that was in the middle of an otherwise unblemished sidewalk. Thankfully nobody was around to see it happen.

      • Jenny

        My son just turned 6 weeks (hence my catching up on HH on a Sunday).
        My breastfeeding advice is this. Like all things parenting figure out what you want to be dogmatic about. Do you want to exclusively breastfeed? If so talk seriously about what that means, what lengths you are willing to go, under what circumstances you want to introduce formula. We were planning on it, but after 10 days of me not sleeping more than 30 minutes at a time for almost all 10 days because he nursed for 40 min each side every 2 hours (you count feedings from start to start) we just couldn’t take it. We took prenatal classes and breastfeeding classes. But unlike the advice for people trying for an unmedicated birth (talk about it, practice mindfulness, discuss strategies, etc), no one told us we should be talking about what to do when things got hard.

    • emilyg25

      I would so much rather give birth than support my partner while giving birth. When you’re the birther, it’s so intense and hormones take over and you just don’t give a shit about anything. But when you’re on the other side, oof, it’s just a lot.

  • emmers

    This week, I’m super-close to having life insurance for me and my husband, and that’s mainly because APW has kept it on my mind, and reminded me that it’s a really good idea, especially now that we own a house and may be trying to have kids soon. We’ve also completed the 5 wishes, another thing I learned about from APW for end-of-life care wishes, and just need to get it witnessed by someone. And finally, I just ordered my last wedding album for family– a whole year and three months after we got married. Yeah!

    • Totch

      Way to have a really great adult week!!

      • emmers

        Thanks!!!! The wedding albums have been in process for freaking months, and I’ve been wanting life insurance to get done forever, but finally we’re actually getting this crap done! Phew!

        • Totch

          I feel you. Last month was a big “breathe deep and talk about complicated stuff” month. This month seems to be about the lighter stuff that we’re letting drag on. We just had the most insane conversation about wedding stationary!

    • Lisa

      So much adulting win! We recently signed the papers on life insurance policy after much discussion on APW really pushed it to the front of my mind. The policies aren’t gigantic, but they would definitely keep the surviving partner comfortable for a while.

    • Cellistec (formerly Lizzie)

      Nicely done! We have the 5 Wishes booklets sitting in a drawer and can’t quite bring ourselves to work on them. But we did get life insurance, albeit kind of gratuitously since we have no house or dependents, and probably won’t for several years. Still, it felt very adulty to get it taken care of.

      • The earlier you get life insurance, the better! (Is my opinion) If you are planning on needing it eventually, anyway. The rates were SO LOW for me to get it starting in at whatever mid-20s age I got it and now I’m locked in with that health setting and bracket for prices (and I can increase coverage but it is still at the original rate!)

        • Cellistec (formerly Lizzie)

          Ok, I feel better about it now. ;)

    • Lizzy

      Yay for you! I set up an appointment this week with an insurance broker to get my life insurance sorted too and I’m sure it was also because of all these great APW posts and seeing others get all these adult tasks done :)

  • Keeks

    Seeing as how the theme of this week’s HH seems to be “reproductive health” – I went in for my normal gyno appointment this week and walked out with orders for additional testing. Now, I am pretty confident that it’s nothing to worry about, but my partner needs to be banned from google for the next 2 weeks. Dang if this hasn’t been a week that I feel fully MARRIED with all the worry and love and acceptance that comes with it.

    • ART

      Fingers crossed for you that it is indeed nothing – and you’re probably right, whatever it is. I had an abnormal pap that led to three colposcopies, spaced 6 months apart, and this fairly confusing messaging of “you might want to get the treatment just in case, unless you haven’t had all the pregnancies you’re planning yet, because there’s some evidence that the treatment is correlated with complications in pregnancy, but on the other hand we actually don’t really think that’s true, but on the other hand this could all clear up on its own with time, but if not you don’t want to wind up with cancer so we can just burn that shit off for you ASAP, what do you want to to?” My poor husband was a wreck, even though I kept assuring him that it was most likely no big deal (and third time’s a charm, I am off the hook).

      • Eenie

        This messaging was the worst. I had mine burned off because it was bad enough, but the whole process was just so stressful because I felt like they didn’t even know what the real complications were to tell me about.

        • ART

          Right? Like when I looked into it, it seemed like this really tenuous connection, but I understand why they would want to be up-front about it, so you can weigh the potential risks of either option, but I decided I didn’t have enough information to know how to feel about it, and that I didn’t want to freak myself out by asking before we even knew if my “mutations” or whatever were going to be an issue.

          • Eenie

            I feel like it’s just another drop in the bucket of reasons why I think pregnancy will be difficult for me. I had zero risk factors and my doctors assumed that I would come back on the “wait and see” side of the fence and then I didn’t and everyone was surprised. I believe that led to a lot of miscommunication of information as well. It just sucked.

          • Keeks

            Also, can we just have a moment of mourning for being a part of the last generation of women who haven’t been immunized against HPV? I missed it by a few years and it bums me out. :(

          • Eenie

            I got the vaccine. And still had all these issues.

          • Keeks

            Noooo. Dang, that’s awful.

          • Lisa

            I had the vaccine and only one sex partner (my husband), and I still got HPV. According to my doctor friend, I’m in that special tiny percentile who did everything “right” and still got infected somehow.

          • another lady

            I think I got it passed down from my parents – my sister has it and it’s possible mom had it, too. but, I have other ‘risk’ factors also.

          • VKD_Vee

            Totally curious you get the vaccine as a child/teenager though? I wonder if it’s less effective if you have it later in life…

          • Lisa

            I got it when I was 22, I think. I haven’t read anything about its efficacy diminishing with one’s she, but I haven’t researched it enough to say for certain.

          • VKD_Vee

            Yeah, don’t mind my nosiness! I’m just so curious about vaccines now after my recent stint working for the vaccine dept of our local health unit.

          • Jenny

            The HPV vaccine is most effective when received at ages 12-14 (I think, what ever the first few recommended ages are) it has to do with the strength of your immune response at that time. That’s why they recommend it so early. My research advisor does a ton on HPV vax and I pinch hit for a project manager on one of his projects for a few months so I don’t know it as well as my own area, but I do remember something along those lines.

          • VKD_Vee

            Interesting! Cheers, J! :)

          • another lady

            I tried to get the vaccine, they tested me because of my age, and I didn’t get the vaccine because I already had HVP. oops.

          • another lady

            I have it and prego – no complications so far. sister had it and had 3 successful pregnancies with little to no complications. She had them cut off a few years before trying to get prego, but has not had a re-occurrence in 8+ years.

      • Keeks

        My husband is a wreck because he went to a former gf’s colposcopy and passed out, so this ain’t his first rodeo.

        • Eenie

          That is actually quite adorable. The worst part of my whole ordeal was the fact that I was educating my fiance about all these things that I really didn’t feel like educating about. I just wanted him to understand how this affected my fertility and hold my hand.

          • Keeks

            He’s been using anatomically correct terminology and everything! I couldn’t be prouder!

        • ART

          Oh my gosh, mine wasn’t able to come to mine because of his schedule, but yeah I think he might have passed out, too. My first one SUCKED and I didn’t get out of bed the rest of the day, but then the next two were not nearly as bad, maybe just because I knew what to expect and wasn’t as tense, I don’t know. So he felt SUPER bad for me but by the third time I was like, ah, no big deal, I’m gonna go wander around Target for an hour since I took the day off already! But mostly he was just worried about my long-term health which…knock on wood, is fine.

      • jubeee

        Ugh, I had a colposcopy in August, everything turned out ok (I don’t have HPV so this puts me in good condition) Went and got my 6 month pap at my first pregnancy appointment and they want me to have a colposcopy again after I have my baby. I wish I didn’t have to go through it again!!

        • Keeks

          Eeek, so my pap was abnormal but they don’t know why and I tested negative for HPV. My doc acted like she wasn’t concerned about my cervix but rather about my uterus. Hearing that you had polyps with no HPV makes me nervous.

          • jubeee

            I don’t have polyps. I have some abnormal, non cancerous cells “squamous cells” i believe is what its called. I am frankly shocked that I don’t have HPV considering my age and sexual history. (I was too old to get the vaccine)

          • Keeks

            I clearly have a lot to google & ask questions about at the follow-up!

          • jubeee

            Don’t bother with googling, just ask questions. My Doctor was very upfront with me that is very hard to get cancer while being HPV negative. The procedure isn’t fun which is why I am not looking forward to another one. But by then I will have (hopefully) squeezed a small human from my body so it will seem like a walk in the park

    • rg223

      I hope everything comes back normal. Good luck!

  • Rosie

    Taking baby steps this week towards being healthy/not ignoring my chronic health condition. 1 doctor’s appointment made and lots of asking friends “so, does it hurt when you do x? No? So maybe that isn’t normal…” I’ve had bad experiences with doctors’ and others’ views on my health. Why is it so hard to accept yourself as an authority on your own body?!

    • Ugh, because unfortunately a lot of doctors still struggle with a dangerous combination of ableism and delusions of grandeur. I say this as someone training to be in the health field myself and with a disabled-activist sister. Trusting yourself is hard, but you’re doing the right thing. The trick is listening to your own body and believing what you feel while still being open to a similarly open-minded medical expert. If they don’t treat you as the expert of your experience, find a new doctor or gently push back on them if you think they’re just having a bad day.

      • Rosie

        Yes believing what you feel is weirdly hard! When I’ve said things are bad in the past and got the response “well nothing seems wrong” I was like oh… did I make it up? Finding a doctor I feel is on my side would be a big plus.

        • And sometimes there really isn’t a simple way for Western medicine to validate or treat what you feel and that can be super hard to handle! Maaaybe it’ll show in an X-ray or a blood test, but in some cases there’s just “well yes this is causing you pain, but we don’t know why.” A great doctor will hook you up with other resources to manage or improve your condition if they can’t do more for you themselves.

          • Rosie

            Some other resources to help with management would be great, hopefully I will get a chance to ask about that. I am jealous of your future patients already :)

  • We booked our honeymoon plane tickets! And we got a cute little Airbnb for our time in London (we’re going to Rome and then traveling through Europe to end in London where I have a conference to attend). Now if only I could put wedding brain aside (yesterday we hit 100 days til the wedding) and focus on the mock board exam that is TOMORROW.

    I have been sick this week and so not up for long study sessions, but my fiancé has been the most supportive partner and I am so grateful and proud of him (he’s super stressed in his own job hunt but it looks like there might be a place getting ready to give him an offer *fingers crossed*). He quizzes me at night and tells me how well I’m doing. Even when I don’t believe it at all at first, he ups my confidence. His faith and patience astound me.

    • EF

      yay for travel! i am a londoner in a field that means I’m at a lot of academic conferences, so if you need any tips on what’s around the conference area, give me a shout :-) and have fun!

      • Shawna

        Ooh lovely! I’m going to the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists near Regent’s Park for an Acupuncture conference in July. We’re staying in Lisson Grove (walking distance). I know a lot of the tourist spots (museums and such) to send fiancé off to explore (it’ll be his first time in London!), but the family I’m used to visiting isn’t in that area so any particularly good restaurants, shops, etc we should frequent? Tube is easy so they don’t have to be right close by. We’re staying for a few days around the conference so it won’t be JUST work. ;) If you want to send a drawn out answer you can email me: ardenlyn (at gmail). Thank you! I love this community!

        • EF

          excellent, i’ll shoot you an email over the weekend! and I was *just* outside that building yesterday, how funny.

  • CP2011

    Can anyone remember any APW posts (or other blogs) that deal with domestic infant adoption? I’ve been a little consumed by the idea lately and am trying to get my hands on as much info as possible. We are several years out from even wanting kids, but I’m a big time planner and like to collect as much info as possible about my options.

    • Natalie

      Dan Savage’s book The Kid is fantastic. It’s a memoir rather than information guide, but it’s a great read and gives you a good idea of how open adoptions work.

    • Anon for this

      I do regularly read a blog by a woman who adopted an infant (open adoption) and she has suuuuch beautiful things to say about it. Not like, very technical information though. Her kid is just the squooshiest and I am sort of living vicariously through her lovely blog posts while I get through the next year or so of want-to-but-can’t-yet re: babies. She and her husband did have a rough road to get there though (totally specific to their own situation but still), so if that’s not the kind of thing you are looking for at this point I might not recommend it? Let me know if you would like a link.

      • CP2011

        Thanks! Please share. At this point it’s something that I am just exploring emotionally, trying to get a feel for if it might be right for us.

        • Anon for this

          sure, actually just search for posie gets cozy. be prepared for beautiful photography – there’s a category for baby stuff but the whole blog is great :)

    • StevenPortland

      If you are interested in open adoptions, research attorneys in your area who specialize in open adoption. Then schedule a (hopefully free) intro meeting with that attorney. They’ll be able to give you details on how it really works in your part of the country, what it will cost, how long it is likely to take, etc.

      • CP2011

        So you would recommend that route first over an agency?

        • StevenPortland

          Sorry, I wasn’t trying to say using an adoption attorney is better than using an adoption agency. It’s just the way that we approached it since we were focused on having an open adoption. What I was trying to focus on is that getting first hand info from someone who is “in the trenches” is a good way to get lots of research done.

          • CP2011

            Got it. Thanks! I feel like I’m still in an early exploration state– trying to collect stories and feel out my emotions about all the possibilities.

    • another lady

      If you want specific information about the process, go online and search for your county or state agency that works with adoptable children or potential adoptive families. Find out the general process, costs, requirements, etc. In my state, state and county partner agencies are always looking for potential adoptive parents or foster-to-adopt parents and are willing to talk to people about the policies and what they can do to get ready, etc. Good luck!

      • CP2011

        Thanks!

    • raccooncity

      If you’re in an LGBT relationship, there might be some parenting groups in your area that apply…I know there’s ongoing groups in my area that are for moms/dads who are interested in the concept of parenting GENERALLY, and they discuss different options and how they work – it’s a support group and information group kind of all in one…I imagine there are similar everywhere.

      I’m not as familiar for things for straight couples, but I’m sure there are some.

      ETA: they’re for parents TO-BE specifically.

      • CP2011

        Thanks! We are a hetero couple, and probably not at that point yet, but I appreciate the suggestion. I don’t have any known fertility issues but I just have a lot of conflicting feelings about bringing more people into the world and the whole pregnancy/birth thing.

        • raccooncity

          That’s understandable. It’s too bad, the only other adoption-focused groups I know of are for couples dealing with infertility. But there’s gotta be at least an ONLINE support network with information out there for people in your shoes.

        • Magi

          I FEEL THIS. Thank you for also asking these questions; makes me feel like there’s other people like me out there.

          • AnonToday

            Yep, I have been thinking about this lots too. We’re starting to think about when/if kids are coming into our lives and as CP says the “bringing more people into the world and the whole pregnancy/birth thing” is giving me a LOT of uneasiness. While the Mr. has just about warmed up to the proposal of “bio kid first, adopted kid second (if ever)” which…. just… Why does it matter?

        • CP2011

          The more I think about it, the unhappier I get about how if we want to have bio kids, it’s all on me to have to go through the hormonal and body changes, and the societal weirdness that I’ve heard happens to pregnant women. And I get in panic spells about climate change and how stupid most of the people in the world are, and that makes me very sad to think about subjecting a new person to that. At the same time, we would be great parents and I do, at my core, want kids. And there’s also part of me that thinks we won’t have anyone to care for us in old age if we don’t have kids…

      • eating words

        I don’t have any useful info, but friends of mine (a hetero couple) adopted an infant domestically. They went through an agency, and while it took a while, all went smoothly. She’s now four and is an amazing kid.

        • CP2011

          It’s stories like that that bolster my spirits about. There’s definitely a part of me that is afraid that adopted kid = lifetime of emotional anguish b/c of emotionally damaged kid, but rationally I know that plenty of good bio parents end up with kids who have issues too.

    • Magi

      Wow – obviously I didn’t read far enough down the thread! I posted my own question about adoption just a moment ago.

      • AGCourtney

        Haha, I was just about to reply to your post to look at this thread, but I didn’t want it to come off as snarky. Great minds think alike/APW magic!

        • Magi

          It is incredible sometimes! I deleted mine and am just following this great thread now.

  • Anon Today

    I’m almost 38 weeks and the baby is breech. I had an ECV yesterday and it was the worst pain of my life. They warned me it could be “uncomfortable” but holy sh-t, I felt like someone was punching me in the gut over and over. It only lasted a few minutes when they determined it wasn’t going to work. Now we’re scheduling a c-section. I know this is the safest option (and only option, since they don’t do breech vaginal deliveries), but I still feel a sense of disappointment because we read all the books and took all the classes on birth. Everyone keeps giving me all the reasons a c-section is great (you’ll know the date! her head will be round!) but I’m still a bit sad.

    • emmers

      I’m sorry :(. The Longest Shortest time (a parenting podcast) has done a few podcasts on c sections the past few weeks. They have talked a lot about how many women share the kinds of feelings you’re talking about. They’ve also talked about how some hospitals offer “gentle” c sections which seem to help. Not sure that this will be helpful, but just mentioning in case you find it to be.

      • Lisa

        I was also going to mention TLST and their recent C-section stories! They mentioned that there is a method during the C-section that helps mothers a lot, where they put a flap in the curtain that divides your head from your torso, and when the baby is about to be born, they lift the flap so you can see the baby come out of you. Apparently from that perspective (lying down), it doesn’t look much different from a vaginal birth.

        • jubeee

          My biggest fear about c-sections comes from my own birth story. I too was breach but for some reason there was no curtain so my mother saw the entire thing. She said it was the most terrifying experience of her life, she screamed the entire time.

    • another lady

      try going to a chiropractor that does prenatal care. they have another way to attempt to turn a breech baby that isn’t supposed to be as painful and works more frequently. I have a few friends who were saved from breech baby C-sections this way. Also, my sister-in-law’s baby turned on his own after 2 failed ECV’s at 39.5 weeks. She delivered vaginally at 41.5 weeks! It’s possible!

      • Shawna

        Acupuncture also has good success rates with turning breech presentations using moxibustion, but it’s recommended for after week 30 and usually between weeks 30 and 36 (the earlier the better within that range). Science: http://www.breech.co.uk/thetreatment.php and https://www.scienceandsensibility.org/can-moxibustion-help-turn-breech-babies/

        Of course that doesn’t help the original poster in the thread, though. I’ll defer to the others’ advice in that particular situation and just send warm thoughts your way.

        • toomanybooks

          Oh I remember reading about that working in the memoir called Times Two about the lesbian couple that each was expecting at the exact same time!

    • Ashlah

      I’m sorry. I know I would struggle with the same feelings. There’s always a chance baby will turn still. If not, I hope you’re able to come to peace with the birth that you have, but also let yourself grieve for the birth you wanted.

    • macrain

      Ugh, I’m so sorry. :( I’m 25 weeks, just wanted to send some pregnant lady solidarity.

    • TeaforTwo

      I am really sorry. I hope you can use the next two weeks to line up a really good support system, meal train etc. for the recovery.

      Good luck!

    • VKD_Vee

      I had a friend who went through this exact situation and, actually, in the end she felt like a C-section was actually “right” for her. My friend is such an earth mama and was hoping to do a vaginal birth so she was surprised that the C-section wasn’t something she felt any disappointment about afterwards b/c it was the method that brought her new, healthy, happy baby! Good luck to you, Ms Anon!

  • Natalie

    Who’s been to Borneo?! Next weekend I leave for two months in Malaysian Borneo. I’m alternating between excitement and stress (so much left to do!!) and nervousness about being away from my husband and dog for so long. I’ll be studying birds on Mount Kinabalu, and I can’t wait for that part of it. I won’t have much free time, but does anyone have suggestions for what to do if I have a free day off? Any favorite places in Kota Kinabalu? Best day trip from there (other than to climb Mount Kinabalu, which I’ll definitely be doing).

    A good friend of mine traveled in Borneo a 5 years ago, and she advised me against going to an orangutan sanctuary, as she found it too depressing. Has anyone had a good experience with that? I’d love to see wild orangutans, but from what I’ve read/heard, at this point they’re all really sad refugees in small, confining “sanctuaries” and you have to travel through miles of depressing palm oil plantations to get there. Which sounds like it will just make me cry and I’d rather not.

    • I’ve been been but this sounds amazing and I want to hear all about it!

    • Dal

      A little late but! We were in Borneo about 2 years ago and it was great! We went to Sepilok Orangutan Sanctuary and it was amazing, depressing only in the sense that the habitat for wild orangutans is disappearing so quickly, but great. The wild area of the actual centre is massive, and the majority of the orangutans are free to roam about wherever they want, and away from visitors. Newly rescued and orphan orangutans are cared for, and young orangutans without parents are ‘taught’ skills that their parents would usually teach them by the staff. There are two feedings per day that the orangutans know are available, but they are mostly encouraged to forage for themselves in the wild and not actually use the feedings as a primary food source (they do this by making the food at the feedings slightly boring compared to fruits etc that are available in the jungle). In this way, the orangutans only really go to the feedings if they have been unable to find enough food or cannot get enough food for their babies. All in all I was incredibly impressed with the center, and found that it was 95% for them and only 5% for us to learn about them.

      Other places to go include Sukau, where you can do river cruises and see wild animals- we saw lots of proboscis monkeys, a crocodile, birds, and even a wild orangutan! We also went diving in the marine park in KK, it was awesome, I did a ‘discovery dive’ as I had never been before and they gave a discount to my partner who already had a diving license to come with me on the same trip.

      The amount of palm plantations is very depressing, but unavoidable as soon as you get out of the main city, so be prepared for that.

  • Kayjayoh

    Work accomplished, thanks to APW. No to sit at my desk, eat a pear, some dark chocolate, and a few almonds with some tea, while catching up on this thread.

    • VKD_Vee

      I am, like, so depressed that my new job actually requires me to pay attention/do stuff literally every second that I’m at my desk. I was pretty bummed to miss the big “emo labour” chat mid-week!

      • Ashlah

        Boooo!

  • jubeee

    Last name concerns. I kept my last name when we got married with, some my husband is completely cool with. Now I am pregnant and he mentions that he’s been thinking a lot about it and he thinks the baby should have my last name. I always assumed we’d do two last names and really that’s how I feel most comfortable. My biggest aversion really is that I still have to constantly defend/explain my last name to family/friends/strangers who are nosy and I know when my baby is given my last name, everyone will be insanely judgy. I know that’s not the best reason to make a decision but I don’t want people thinking I somehow crushed his manhood and forced him to submit to me, which I think people will think. I’ve aired these concerns to him but he still thinks its the most egalitarian thing to do.

    • Eenie

      You need to get some new family/friends/strangers! That sounds horrible. We personally decided on my last name for kids, hislast as a second middle name, and he gets full rights to the middle name decision, and I have veto power. I think the initial judgment period will be short, and if it’s important to him you at least give it some thought. Sounds like you landed a good husband!

      • Kayjayoh

        Is signing up for new strangers an option? Because if it is, I’m on board.

        • Eenie

          I want to know where all these super judgey strangers are so I don’t ever go there.

          • jubeee

            I feel like women would just talk to me about the getting married process when I would mention i was getting married soon. The first comment always seemed to be about the hardships of changing your last name. I would say “Oh I’m keeping my name, no paperwork involved (grin!)” It was like I was offending them somehow. Either they would immediately defend their choice to me or ask if my fiance was ok with such a thing. I live on the East Coast people!

          • Eenie

            Yeah, I’ve had some similar pushback on my non name change (from the probate court no less…). I think parenting in general comes with a lot of judgment from others that can be in your face or behind your back. I’m sure you’ve experienced at least some of this with pregnancy. You know your limits better than anyone. Two last names is still very egalitarian!

          • Keeks

            Oh jeez, the people who ask me how my husband feels about me keeping my last name were the worst. “Well, he’s pretty happy he gets to keep the name he was born with too,” is always my response.

          • Lisa

            When people comment on the fact that my husband didn’t change his name, I smile and respond, “We both kept our names.” He had a choice, too!

          • Ms. Yes

            Love that response!

          • Natalie

            I didn’t have that experience myself, but I’m in a very liberal community where the expectation is that women will keep their names. I’ve seen friends in this community feel the need to preemptively defend their decision to change their names, though, and it sucks that they feel they have to do so. Like, they’re worried their feminist card will be taken away for changing their names. When one such friend got married, I asked her if she was changing her name, and she launched into a detailed explanation of how she was going by her maiden name at work, but probably hyphenating socially, and maybe changing it legally but maybe not, and her thought process on it all in a way that made it seem to me that she felt like she had to defend her choices. When I had a chance to get a word in, I was all, “that’s cool, but really, please just tell me which name to use on your invitation to my wedding.” It sucks that there’s enough judgement about the decision either way, depending on your community, that women worry about their friends berating their decisions about their own name.

      • Es

        How good would it be to get new strangers!?

    • macrain

      I know a couple that did this, and I thought it was so lovely. You know your people better than us, but you might be surprised.
      Also, it occurs to me that most people don’t ask about the baby’s last name. You might be able to dodge it a bit, at least at first!

      • rg223

        Seconding this. My son has my last name and I really thought we would get a lot of comments, but the only person who’s said anything so far (he’s five months) is my grandma, and she wanted to tell us she’s thrilled (she didn’t have any male grandsons to carry the name on). And this might all change when he starts school, but so far dodging is working too.

    • Totch

      I get you. So often the problem with making the egalitarian choice is that the responses (perception/people questioning you) still follow gender norms.

      On a much smaller scale, we got similar reactions when we designed my engagement ring together and split the cost. People made assumptions that he was too cheap/I was pushing him down the aisle/I was crushing his right to a surprise proposal with my feminism.

      ETA: People totally got over it, I’m just saying that I know the feeling.

      • jubeee

        Splitting the cost of a ring?!?!?! You must be a real man-eater! I feel like it just challenges people who’ve never questioned gender-norms at all.

        • Totch

          My sister was so unbelievably angry. As in, I did not believe she could possibly be that angry about a relatively innocuous part of super happy news!

          • Natalie

            Wow. I am amazed at people’s very strong reactions to egalitarian decisions that have no effect whatsoever on their own lives.

      • Eenie

        Hah. I designed my engagement ring. He loves telling people that too. Everyone else has been horrified at the idea.

        • Cellistec (formerly Lizzie)

          Same here. I always get “But didn’t you want it to be a surprise?” Um, no, especially not after my now-husband described the type of ring he was considering for me (the total opposite of my taste). Surprises are overrated.

          • Natalie

            Surprises are completely overrated. My husband listened to MONTHS of hints (and outright, direct statements) about how I wanted LL Bean flannel pajamas for Christmas. I’d leave the catalog open on his desk with the style and color circled and my size written in the margins. I talked about how cold I was each morning in Montana winter and how nice it would be to have fancy warm pjs. Christmas morning I unwrapped my present to find….an ultralight hammock. I’d hate to see what he would do with hints about ring preferences. “Every time we see a jewelry commercial you mention how much you like white gold and multiple small stones on rings, so I knew you would love this yellow gold band with giant ruby that goes around your neck!”

            Luckily, my husband proposed without a ring, knowing that I would want my grandmother’s engagement ring. The number of people who were shocked with I told them I was engaged but didn’t have the ring yet (it was across the country with my mom, waiting for her to bring on her next visit). Even after knowing about my grandmother’s ring, they’d think it strange my husband didn’t talk to my parents months in advance of asking me to marry him just so he could have the ring at that moment. smh

          • Cellistec (formerly Lizzie)

            A hammock? What? Was that for, say, taking a tropical vacation to escape the Montana winter, or did it actually have nothing to do with your hints?

          • Natalie

            Nope. Nothing to do with any of my hints. No tropical vacation looming. You can’t even USE a hammock most of the year in Montana. Also, I already own a hammock, just not an ultralight one. His thought process was eventually we could use it while backpacking? And I’m going to be living in a tent in Arizona for 2 months this summer, so maybe I would use it then? But most of our backpacking, and where I’ll be in Arizona, is high elevation enough that it’s cold at night and I wouldn’t want to sleep in a hammock.

            This is why he was not to be trusted with a surprise engagement ring. I might have ended up with an engagement unicycle.

          • Cellistec (formerly Lizzie)

            Strange. He meant well, at least!

          • Totch

            We’re the same! Our guideline is that surprise gifts are encouraged as long as they cost no more than $20, just because of how many times we’ve been burned.

    • Natalie

      I feel you. A few months after my wedding, my FIL tried to give me crap about not changing my name (he didn’t realize until then that my name hadn’t changed). Luckily, my amazing feminist SIL shut him down before I could even open my mouth, giving him all the reasons I kept my name in a way that he couldn’t argue against. I’m hoping she’ll do the same if/when we have kids and if we give them my last name. I foresee an argument about that…

      On the other hand, props to your husband for not worrying about people thinking his manhood is crushed. :-)

    • Cellistec (formerly Lizzie)

      Pretty sure the insanely judgy people are always going to be that way about something. That’s why they’re insanely judgy. Might as well flush ’em out with the surname decision so you know exactly whom you get to gleefully disappoint in the future.

    • gonzalesbeach

      double last names are cool and seem pretty equal, but if you only want one then maybe you could also think about last names against potential new first names and see which sounds best? Like if you wanted first name Ronald and your last name was Crump and your husbands last name was Oh then you could decide based on whether you’re more political junkies or soccer fans. Or are one of your names easier to pronounce or spell? I don’t plan to change my last name but it always gives me grief with spelling. I seriously would have preferred my mother’s last name (she kept it) because it’s way way easier to spell and then my nickname/last name combo would have been awesome – basically I would have been named after dessert!

    • NeptuneMarmoset

      We’re going to alternate! Our first is due in August and will have my husband’s last name (goes better than mine with the first name) and our next one (gods willing) will have mine, then his, and so on until we’re done. :)

      • Natalie

        That’s our current plan, except starting with my last name, since I care more. :-)

        • NeptuneMarmoset

          Oooh nice, name plan buddies! :D

    • La’Marisa-Andrea

      I’ve come to accept that no matter what I do, people will always have something to say about something. I encourage you to join me in the land of No Fucks Given. It’s a wonderful place to be.

      • Lisa

        I just snorted at my desk while going through the Happy Hour comments I missed. This is the best. “I encourage you to join me in the land of No Fucks Given” should be the companion embroidered pillow to this one.

        http://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/aW0N1bA_700b.jpg

        • Jess

          This is the best Monday morning I’ve had in a while. Thank you both!

  • Last week I mentioned I had an interview for a full-time position. It went well. I just found out that I was one of less than 5 people brought back in for a second interview on Monday! Let’s all pray, think good thoughts, do shots that this works out for me. I could really use the job security (and paid holidays).

    • Lisa

      Best of luck!! You’re totally going to rock the interview and good thoughts are headed your way. :)

    • VKD_Vee

      Good luck, Adders!!! Smash it, baby!

  • Elizabeth

    I’ve been having long thoughts and a few conversations with people about where I see my career going in the next year, which includes thinking about doing grad school while working and considering going to grad school full time. It’s kind of exhausting and kind of exhilarating. Definitely thought a lot, and people keep telling me to network which I hate, but I’m trying and have done a bit of that too this week.

  • eating words

    You guys, I got a job that’s a really amazing fit for me at a place that I really admire. And I get to work from home. And I gave my notice, so this is HAPPENING. So excited.

    • YAY!

    • Lisa

      Congratulations!!

    • Rosie

      Congrats! Working from home is the BEST :)

    • jubeee

      Congrats!

    • scw

      yay! like rosie said, working from home is sooo goood!

    • Ms. Yes

      That’s awesome! Congratulations!

    • La’Marisa-Andrea

      Many congratulations!!

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        ❝my .friend’s mate Is getting 98$. HOURLY. on the internet.”….two days ago new McLaren. F1 bought after earning 18,512$,,,this was my previous month’s paycheck ,and-a little over, 17k$ Last month ..3-5 h/r of work a days ..with extra open doors & weekly. paychecks.. it’s realy the easiest work I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months ago and now making over 87$, p/h.Learn. More right Here!b:240➤➤➤➤➤ http://GlobalSuperEmploymentVacanciesReportsPlay/98$hourly…. .❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:::::!b:240…….

      • Linda Goodnight

        ❝my .friend’s mate Is getting 98$. HOURLY. on the internet.”….two days ago new McLaren. F1 bought after earning 18,512$,,,this was my previous month’s paycheck ,and-a little over, 17k$ Last month ..3-5 h/r of work a days ..with extra open doors & weekly. paychecks.. it’s realy the easiest work I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months ago and now making over 87$, p/h.Learn. More right Here!b!151➤➤➤➤➤ http://GlobalSuperEmploymentVacanciesReportsMax/GetPaid/98$hourly…. .❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:::::!b!151…….

      • Debrahetaylor1

        ❝my .friend’s mate Is getting 98$. HOURLY. on the internet.”….two days ago new McLaren. F1 bought after earning 18,512$,,,this was my previous month’s paycheck ,and-a little over, 17k$ Last month .,3-5 h/r of work a days ..with extra open doors & weekly. paychecks.. it’s realy the easiest work I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months ago and now making over 87$, p/h.Learn. More right Here!b!782➤➤➤➤➤ http://GlobalSuperEmploymentVacanciesReportsScience/GetPaid/98$hourly…. .❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:::::!b!782…….

    • eating words

      Thanks so much, all you awesome people! It says a lot about this place that I was excited to come share my news in happy hour.

  • Camille

    We’re two months away! We got our marriage license! I discovered that booking our flight and hotel for our delayed honeymoon in November together as a bundle instead of separately will save us $1500! My self absorbed family member who managed to make me cry at my graduation because she couldn’t stand not being the center of attention will NOT be hijacking any family activities leading up to the wedding, because she’s flying in on the day of and leaving the day after! Exclamation points!

    • Totch

      Congratulations!

    • Eenie

      Are you April 23 too?!

      • Camille

        April 16th! Close enough.

  • Katherine

    We ordered our Save the Dates this week! Hopefully this will light a fire under me to work on the things I’ve been putting off…like the food…

  • Bsquillo

    Congrats on the new puppy, Maddie! I would not be sad at all if you decided to post, oh, 100 pictures of said new puppy…

    • Alison M

      I was just coming to say NEED MORE PUPPY PIX THANKS

    • MC

      Yep, same. PUPPY!!!

    • Maddie Eisenhart

      If I *must*. ;)

  • OliveMC

    Paid my last car payment today! Feeling like a big girl!

    Also not feeling guilty about how excited I am for alone time tonight when my husband goes out with his friends. :) Have an amazing weekend, APWers!

  • Magi

    Happy Friday all!

    Here’s a topic I’m curious about: adoption. Anyone who feel like they’ve got their two cents to contribute, I’d be interested to hear from you as this is a community I trust opinions from!

    Any adult adoptees here comfortable sharing your experience growing up? Anybody have an adopted child and would like to share your experience?

  • LindseyM

    Choosing a wedding location is so much harder than I imagined, everyone! We’ve been trying to pick a location for 6 months. Six full months. Many people have full weddings in less time than that. And now, to complicate things, we’ve thrown in another city as a compromise because we think it will be easier for guests. So I’ve spent the last few days emailing venues that I’ve never been to and not in my first language. Exhausting. I made my decision on where I want to have the wedding two months ago, and I’m just waiting on my boyfriend, who has very valid concerns about every location. But at the end of the day, nowhere is perfect and we’re just going to have to pick and move forward! I’ll be sooo happy when that day arrives. I think the rest of wedding planning will feel stress free after this. (Hopefully)

    • Susan

      I hear you — location was also one of the most stressful parts of our planning process. For us, we originally picked a location to try to appease family and make it easier for most of the guests, but then realized it was such a total headache for us that we cancelled those plans and moved the wedding to where we were to avoid the stress. It sounds like you are doing enough hard thinking and deciding up front that you hopefully won’t make the same mistake we did!

    • AGCourtney

      Venues were so hard for us, too. I was about ready to tear my hair out over the whole thing, because it was driving me crazy not to make progress on planning, but you can’t really plan much until you know where you’re having the thing. We actually finalized ours hardly two months out, with a last-minute switch when a place we’d looked at opened up. It felt like I’d planned multiple weddings at that point and I was so ready to be done. But it worked out! Once we had the venues locked down, everything fell into place. Here’s hoping for it all coming together for you soon.

  • JC

    Oh my gosh, so much going on this week. I got some not-great news from the doctor last week about a new chronic condition, so I’ve been freaking out a bit at the overwhelming nature of dealing with it for many years to come. Treatment is causing a bit of a hit to the pocketbook right off the bat, so that’s rough. And it involves diet changes, which are hard mentally and emotionally, but DANG do I feel better!!

    My sister gets married a week from tomorrow, and the drama is in full swing. Will the florist show up? No one knows; she hasn’t been heard from in months. Will the DJ show up? Yes, because I texted him yesterday (he’s an old friend), and he had the date wrong, but he has it right now! Will my aunt and uncle show up? No one knows, but if they do, they’ll make it known that they would rather be someplace else! Will the future-step-mother-in-law cause drama? Almost certainly, as she’s decided my family is “stealing” the groom away from her and her husband and she likes to show off in front of the future-mother-in-law.

    But on the brightest note, my cousin welcomed her baby girl into the world on Valentine’s Day! Just over a year ago, her first arrived much too early and didn’t live long, and we grieved so hard. So we’ve been awaiting this new baby with bated breath and practically can’t stand how much joy we feel that she’s here and healthy. Babies are the best.

    • NeptuneMarmoset

      Aw congrats to your cousin and the whole family as well. What a joy! <3

  • Sophie

    Looking for advice/suggestions…we’re having a tiny ceremony this spring and then a large mid-day relatively casual reception this summer. The plan is to send out an announcement that is also the invitation to the reception. Thus I want something that can have a lot of text on the back. I’d also prefer something that isn’t centered around a ginormous picture of us or picture collage. Is my best bet etsy? Or is there a way to manipulate the ones on shutterfly/mint/etc so that the back includes direction, more details, our new address?

    • VKD_Vee

      What about something like this? (but with classier fonts!)
      https://img0.etsystatic.com/049/1/8407804/il_340x270.666698552_fmjn.jpg

      • Sophie

        Thanks! This is what I had in mind. =)

    • VKD_Vee

      Or even something like this? If I understand your post correctly, I think you’d be able to edit quite a few (if not most) the Minted/Shutterfly/etc. cards to suit your purposes, no?

      https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/27/2d/92/272d92d2c83415bb616102def4554ed1.jpg

    • Susan

      I don’t have much experience with shutterfly, but I know on Minted you should be able to add text to the back, you may just have to go back and forth in a few more rounds of proofs to make sure it is exactly what you want, but that doesn’t add any cost I don’t think. We got our separate reception cards there and it was great — sign up for their emails and they usually send around discount codes every month or so!

    • Jess

      1) Minted and Tiny Prints both have options for non-picture cards. I’ve used lots from Minted that I really enjoy.
      2) There are often “photo collage” options for the backs, but I typically just use the space for type (See: christmas cards that included my “christmas letter” inside, but no pictures, Save-The-Dates that had no pictures but wrote the website URL on the back)
      3) In many cases you can edit the back of the card to be more Design-y.
      4) ALSO you can edit the words on the front to say whatever you want to! Don’t feel locked into what the designer has written.

  • Kel

    Later to the party and newer to commenting, but I’m curious about the APW community’s views on this topic my husband and I disagree on: Letting kids win at games — sets them up for disappointment later, sets them up to feel confident in their abilities, or another perspective?

    • Amy March

      Not hard and fast. No point in crushing a 5 year old a connect 4 round after round, no reason to let a 10 year old dominate Monopoly. Sometimes kids need to be challenged, sometimes they need confidence.

    • E.

      I agree with Amy March, depends on the situation. I think they should experience losing sometimes because as a first grade teacher some kids do not have experience losing and do NOT handle it well. More important is how you talk about it- focus on working hard, using strategies, etc than being smart or right so that if they do lose, their perspective is they need a new strategy instead of they failed/are stupid.

    • Natalie

      My approach with my six year-old nephew is to leave games of chance (e.g., Chutes and Ladders, Candyland) completely to chance, but not to decimate him every time we play games of skill (e.g., checkers, memory/matching). The result is that he wins games of chance roughly 50% of the time, and the skill games slightly less often, but he does not lose by so much as to be demoralized. I think he learns skills by watching someone play games as they’re meant to be played rather as though they’re intentionally being lost. And because he’s an only child, playing with adults is his only training for how to handle not always getting his way in games (unlike kids who play with siblings, who learn quickly not to expect to be given the win).

      • Kayjayoh

        I like this approach.

    • Emily

      I’ve wondered if there is research out there on this. I do what others have mentioned… games of chance leave to chance. I mostly win Connect Four and occasionally ignore the winning move for a few rounds… and now she’s starting to truly win sometimes.

    • Eenie

      I’m not saying this is right, but my family is hardcore about strategic board games. We do not let anyone win. I would agree with the other commenters below that this philosophy works best when you don’t only play skill based games – they’ll win at the chance based ones and learn from looking at other for how to play the skill based ones. It makes the victories much sweeter when the person doesn’t think think the other person let them win. My family actually signs and dates the lid of the box of the game if you win.

    • emilyg25

      What Amy March and Natalie said. Also, very few things in parenting are cut and dried. One day might call for a different approach than the next; one kid might need a different style. I think it’s easier to talk in terms of overarching values (I want to teach my kid perseverance in general, but I also want to be kind in the moment).

  • Rebekah Jane

    We all seem to be getting the jobs of our dreams, because I finally am able to work with a company and a team that I’ve been in love with since October – as a contract-to-hire, meaning I get my full time position! I put in my notice with my current contract and I start March 1. The first month is going to be tough, with crazy hours, but I’ve always been one to prefer a baptism by fire anyway. So hooray for happy career moves!

    • CMT

      I hope I get one of those soon :(

  • Rebekah Abeja

    First time commenting, but I’ve been reading religiously (posts, comments, archives) for quite a few months. First of all, so glad that this post reminded me that HTGAWM is back on. Maybe my husband and I will catch up tomorrow! Second of all, I made my first fully successful batch of water kefir this morning and it is glorious. I’ve almost had half of my 1 liter bottle already.

  • Melissaljones4

    ❝my .friend’s mate Is getting 98$. HOURLY. on the internet.”….two days ago new McLaren. F1 bought after earning 18,512$,,,this was my previous month’s paycheck ,and-a little over, 17k$ Last month ..3-5 h/r of work a days ..with extra open doors & weekly. paychecks.. it’s realy the easiest work I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months ago and now making over 87$, p/h.Learn. More right Here!b:240➤➤➤➤➤ http://GlobalSuperEmploymentVacanciesReportsPlay/98$hourly…. .❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:::::!b:240……

  • Linda Goodnight

    ❝my .friend’s mate Is getting 98$. HOURLY. on the internet.”….two days ago new McLaren. F1 bought after earning 18,512$,,,this was my previous month’s paycheck ,and-a little over, 17k$ Last month ..3-5 h/r of work a days ..with extra open doors & weekly. paychecks.. it’s realy the easiest work I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months ago and now making over 87$, p/h.Learn. More right Here!b!151➤➤➤➤➤ http://GlobalSuperEmploymentVacanciesReportsMax/GetPaid/98$hourly…. .❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:::::!b!151……

  • Carrie

    I know I’m like 3 days late to the party, but I have to share something on the topic of women wearing pants.

    I work in a university library, and one of my current projects involves going through all these old agricultural extension bulletins we’ve collected from all over the country. A couple of weeks ago I found one published by the University of Minnesota in 1971 or -72 entitled “Pants for Women.”

    This is the introductory text printed inside the front cover:

    “Pants have become a major fashion item in the past few years. They look just as appropriate at a cocktail party as they do in the privacy if your back yard. However, it might be wise to give more consideration to who wears pants outside the home or off the boat and the campground. Accumulation of birthdays doesn’t count nearly as much as accumulation of pounds. Look at yourself objectively. Should you be wearing pants? If in doubt–don’t.”

    I just…. what?

  • Debrahetaylor1

    ❝my .friend’s mate Is getting 98$. HOURLY. on the internet.”….two days ago new McLaren. F1 bought after earning 18,512$,,,this was my previous month’s paycheck ,and-a little over, 17k$ Last month .,3-5 h/r of work a days ..with extra open doors & weekly. paychecks.. it’s realy the easiest work I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months ago and now making over 87$, p/h.Learn. More right Here!b!782➤➤➤➤➤ http://GlobalSuperEmploymentVacanciesReportsScience/GetPaid/98$hourly…. .❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:::::!b!782……

  • Kara

    Meg! The podcast was really good. My favorite and most inspirational part was when you OWNED your accomplishments. It was so nice to hear you represent them with no qualifications. No humblebrags! I didn’t realize how hard it is for me to do that for my own accomplishments, but when I heard you. I realized I can and should shout them whenever I can.