APW Happy Hour


San Francisco, come hang with us!

by Najva Sol, Brand Manager

apwunconvention

Hey APW

It’s been a WEEK. You know when you feel like you’ve been running at full steam for days but your to-do list is laughing at you? It’s like that.

As far as I’m concerned, the best part of my week was taking a two-hour workshop to “learn” (if I could actually count) all the choreography to Justin Bieber’s “Sorry” video. If you’re in New York, I a hundred percent recommend it.

In more exciting news, I’m coming to San Francisco March 12th! Why? Because APW is going to Keynote and do one-on-one brand critiques at Unconvention on March 13th! What is Unconvention? In their own words:

{un}convention is a community, a business-development workshop, a magazine-content-creating charrette, a cocktail party, and an invitation to ask questions and have conversations with other badass wedding professionals.

Unconvention was started by feminist wedding magazine Catalyst Wedding Co. (partially run by our very own sponsor Two Spoons Photography). And in fact, it’s co-hosted by another sponsor: Dawn Mauberret Events! Seriously, the panels look killer, the conversation will be spot on, and if you’re a feminist in the wedding space, we’d love to get our chat on with you.

Enough about us, it’s your happy hour!

XO

Najva

Link Roundup

Why the single American woman is now the most important political force.

The sexist history of pockets.

Hollywood stars talk about what it’s really like in the industry, if you aren’t a straight, white man.

Why do women smile at the men who sexually harass us? (And other forms of victim-blaming.)

We’re still teaching girls that it’s cute to be scared, and that’s just wrong.

No, white people, your cover of “Formation” is not okay.

Rolling Stone thinks that Trump is unstoppable…

Would you fuck a goat for true love? (Literally, it’s just for the comments.)

Najva Sol

Najva Sol is a queer Iranian-American writer, photographer, branding consultant, artist, and ex-poet.  She’s the token staff Slytherin and—while formally based in Brooklyn—tends to travel as much as possible. Storytelling is her life, but making chicken broth is a close second.
Staff Picks

[Read comment policy before commenting]

  • BSM

    This screenshot is getting me through today.

    • Jess

      I move that we overdub all of his talking with someone just saying, “Unintelligible yelling. This man has nothing coherent to say.” That way, nobody would hear what he’s saying.

      • BSM

        Agreed! He makes NO SENSE. I feel like that may actually be his strategy. Like last night when he was talking about Planned Parenthood, he mentioned how they help millions of women every day but also that he would not fund it… in the same sentence! WUT.

        • Marcela

          That’s because he doesn’t actually care about women. The two statements work together as long as you don’t want women to get help.

          • Eenie

            Although at one point I thought he would be the least worst candidate for white women from the GOP. I don’t know if that is still true.

          • BSM

            That’s certainly true, but usually the candidates (who also don’t care about women) try to use some other BS logic to get around it. Not Trump, I suppose!

          • Danielle

            Logic is not Trump’s strong point.

  • Eenie

    The pockets article! I Typically I don’t have issue with jeans not having pockets – it’s the dress pants. I currently carry my phone around all the time, but I’d like to switch to a wallet that fits in my back pocket as well now that I’m wearing jeans all the time.

    • gonzalesbeach

      yes the dress pants and work skirts! never ever a pocket on a pencil skirt. so if I go to a meeting with my files, coffee and notebook then I have to carry my work cell and I always feel like a jerk putting it out on the table but I have no gd pockets on my skirt or cardigan. maybe if I wear a blazer but lately all the stores’ blazers seem to be pocketless or have those stupid sewn-up pockets! or teeny tiny pockets that won’t actually hold you phone in…

      • Lisa

        I have started wearing my blazer to work more frequently for this very reason. Everyone thinks I’m dressing up for the days we have events when I really just wear it so I have somewhere to store my keys and phone.

        • gonzalesbeach

          exactly!

      • Eenie

        We seriously need some solid blazers with pockets. No excuse. I’m not as upset when skirts or dresses don’t have pockets, because half the time they would look weird. I am super excited when they do have pockets though.

      • AGCourtney

        ASDFJKL; blazer “pockets”.

      • Oh I rip those damn blazer pockets open. I think they are sewn up for the buyer to open, just like the slit in the back that has a stitch in it.

        • emmers

          It was revolutionary when I realized that that was a thing.

        • Lisa

          Yup! If the pockets are shut, customers aren’t going to stick things in them and leave them there when they’re trying on clothes.

          • Eenie

            But they don’t do this on men’s jackets! They are actually sewn shut so they will “lay” nicer if you choose not to use them.

          • My chinos from J.Crew generally come with sewn pockets as well. I open the seams on the right hand one, so I can have an actual pocket. I leave the left hand pocket sewn shut so it lays nicer ;)

          • ART

            They do on some, I had an ex who was PISSED ABOUT HIS FAKE POCKETS on his first ever suit jacket, and I handed him a seam ripper and it blew his mind. :)

        • ART

          Dude. So. That stitch being left in place has become a huge pet peeve for me. I work in the Financial District in SF and I seriously see this 2-5x per day just while walking the few blocks to the subway. I want to go up to these people and say, “new jacket?” But of course I do not because that would be mean. But for real, take that outtttt. I don’t know why it bothers me.

      • What about a scarf that has a pocket? Amazon used to sell this one: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00QW5LV1E/

    • High waisted jeans mean my phone finally fits in my (back) pocket! It definitely made me switch to wearing them ALL THE TIME.

      • Keeks

        High-waisted jeans are THE BOMB DIGGITY. I refuse to wear anything else now. Seriously, I used to wear a lot of dresses & skirts, now I reach for the jeans first.

    • April

      Even jeans that have pockets have those tiny pockets. I once owned a pair of jeans with dude sized pockets and it was AMAZING. *sigh*

  • rg223

    The link about pockets is amazing because I have had so many conversations with my husband about pockets in women’s clothing ever since his cousin showed him that her jeans had “pockets” that didn’t actually exist. He was completely beside himself and still hasn’t recovered (hence the ongoing conversations). I’m going to send this to him!

    • Eenie

      The fake pockets are the worst.

      • rg223

        Truth.

    • Laura C

      My mother is obsessed with clothes needing to have pockets and I’ve never been on board. I have no real use for pockets because I max out on a credit card, a little folding money, and a single coin in any given pocket.

      Although obviously I am opposed to the sexism involved.

    • Cdn icecube

      My boyfriend has a policy when we’re shopping and I’m trying on dresses. He asks “Does it have pockets?”, and if it does his next response is “buy it”. It could be the ugliest thing in the world but if it’s got pockets its automatically a step above everything else in the store.

      • Anthropologie sale section, yo. Most of their dresses come lined AND with pockets. Oh, and they’re often quite nice, too!

      • Kayjayoh

        Why I love Eshakti.

        • Heather

          Love that site. I think ALL of their dresses have pockets. It’s wonderful.

      • Shawna

        This is the best. Fiancé now points to items as we browse and says “motherf-ing pockets!” And then looks so pleased with himself. One of the many reasons I adore him.

        …and now I can’t find the associated gif. I am no good at internet.

    • another lady

      all of my maternity pants have fake pockets – so annoying!

      • doublegus

        What is it with maternity pants and no pockets?! Drives me crazy.

        • eating words

          I guess they think you’re carrying enough already?

    • My husband can fit a whole (smallish) water bottle in his jean pockets! And it isn’t even noticeable! (So it is good for sneaking drinks into stadiums and such).

  • NotMarried!

    Love the article on pockets. I mean, really … it should not be that difficult!

  • Laura C

    I should probably eat something besides cupcakes today, right? Making them for our baby shower tomorrow (for which my MIL surprised me by being on the same page as me about the food — though I realized this morning that she has a pattern of freaking out, 48 hours before an event that she’s hosting, that there won’t be enough food).

    I’ve gotten to where it feels like my entire life is defined by pregnancy, and I could do without it. But our apartment isn’t ready for baby so I can’t even indulge in fantasies that involve skipping out on the next few weeks.

    • Lizzie

      Oh gosh, the “whoops I ate a whole meal out of what I’m baking” struggle is SO real. Toss back a few cheese sticks for the fat and protein, and you’ll be right as rain! Is what I tell myself, anyway. : )

      Preambled by saying that I fully understand how creating a life and welcoming a baby into your home is SO, SO MUCH BIGGER than planning a wedding: I do send you sympathies, from a similar place of feeling like all you need is a few weeks off, but you just can’t see any way to actually get that. It’s really stressful to KNOW that you need a break, but just… not be able to give it to yourself! Sending you lots of good luck vibes. And cupcake eating vibes. Yum.

      • Laura C

        I just had a slice of high-fiber toast with half cheese, half peanut butter … and then ate another cupcake. NO MORE! Need to have some to serve.

        • Lizzie

          Protein! Fiber! Healthy fats! Ya crushed it.

    • Sparkles

      Probably. I made a cake when I was pregnant and ate too much of the icing and then had an awful awful headache and couldn’t enjoy the party because I was too full of sugar and my body didn’t know how to handle it.

    • Katie

      I was just walking down the street a few minutes ago and a man came up to ask me for spare change, stopped himself mid-sentence, and said “DUDE. YOU’RE PREGNANT.” After I conceded to the truth of that statement he said “I can’t ask YOU for change. You need to buy baby stuff!” and walked away.

      So. You might just need to roll with the whole life-defined-by-pregnancy thing, since that’s really the rest of the world’s doing. OR, stay seated behind a desk as much as possible when interacting! That’s what I do lately when I want people to focus on what I’m saying.

      • Laura C

        For me, the really hard part is feeling my world shrink with my energy and not being able to be as independent. We did a couple weekends of travel in January and having to ask my husband to carry the suitcase was rough for me. Or, yesterday I was off work early and would have had time to do some errands, but they were like a mile away and I’d already been to the trainer and had to get to my hairdresser a little later and I just didn’t think I could do that much walking, but making that decision felt lousy.

        I’m helped with the people part by the fact that I don’t interact with a ton of people. I don’t think more than about half a dozen strangers have commented on it at all at any point, and they were usually waiters warning me that the bourbon ice cream legit had bourbon in it, that sort of thing. But the shower is going to be a test.

      • Kayjayoh

        “I can’t ask YOU for change. You need to buy baby stuff!”

        I don’t know why, but this has made my afternoon.

      • TeaforTwo

        HA! I had someone at work say “I didn’t realize you were pregnant, congratulations!” only there was some weird ambient noise when she said it, and I asked, “pardon me?”

        She froze, and then I eventually figured out what she’d said, and assured her that she had read it right, I am in fact almost 6 months pregnant, and it’s fine. But I think that’s going to be new response to strangers.

  • I Don’t Knowww, Margo!

    I just need to squee for a moment- We officially booked our venue today! We’re renting a summer camp, which I’ve been enthralled with ever since my cousin got married at one five years ago. It’ll be the perfect place for the fun party we’ve been envisioning, with the bonus of a free place to stay (bunk beds for all!!) for our guests. It’s just over six months out, and I’m so excited!

    • Lizzie

      YAY HOORAY CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! Booking the venue is HUGE. What an accomplishment!! Sounds ahMazing. : )

    • AGCourtney

      That sounds fantastic! Congrats!

    • That sounds fun! Your centerpieces can be citronella candles ;)

    • Lisa

      One of my friends did this (rented out a GS camp), and from what I’m told the party was AWESOME. Plus the drunk guests didn’t have to think of a way to get home at the end of the night!

      • I Don’t Knowww, Margo!

        That’s the idea! I know a lot of our family won’t end up staying there, but I know a ton of friends will, and it was important to me that people have a free option for staying the night. It’ll be a drunken joyfest!

    • gonzalesbeach

      Yay booked venue! I love love camp weddings! please share photos when you can (or wouldn’t it be lovely to see a camp wedding feature:)

    • another lady

      we actually stayed at a campground on our first anniversary and there just so happened to be another couple getting married that weekend! It was so fun to see the set up and everything surrounding the wedding, while also celebrating our anniversary and NOT planning our own wedding. Hope yours goes off without a hitch! Congrats!

  • Lizzie

    After a stressful weekend of wedding dress shopping with my mom (she is great; I just HATE clothes shopping and felt really exhausted and influenced by her presence), I went back to Bloomie’s and tried this dress on again and… I frickin LOVE IT. I feel like me, only glammed up. (I tried it on with her, and she kinda waved it away, and I didn’t have the emotional centeredness to say “hey wait a minute, I like this one.”)

    Fishing for, not compliments but at least assurances here: it’s totally okay that it’s not white and not from a bridal salon and not crazy expensive (got it on sale for $260) and not needing multiple fittings and and and… right?! I’m feeling weirdly guilty for not hewing closely to the traditional model here, even though we did go to a salon and I kinda hated it. Help me, for I am second-guessing my APW sensibilities!

    • Amy March

      Uhhh yeah. Your stunning floral gown is totally okay.

      • Lizzie

        (I tried on a few more white dresses today, just to be suuuuuure, and I had your comment running through my head the whole time. You are totally right! I’m stickin’ with it. Thank you for providing much-needed reassurance!)

    • Eenie

      I love it! I wouldn’t say it’s NOT white, it’s not ONLY white.

      • Lizzie

        Truth! Thank you for the assurances. : )

    • emilyg25

      All those things you described also describe my wedding dress.

      That dress is lovely and fun! It is a bit casual, but if your wedding is casual or if you DGAF, it’s perfect!

      • Lizzie

        Yes – Sunday lunch wedding! Also, I DGAF. : ) Out of curiosity – what does your dress look like?

        • Eenie

          It’s perfect for a Sunday lunch wedding!

        • Danielle

          I’m not emily but your description is similar to my wedding dress as well. We had a Sunday brunch wedding last summer and I wore a J. Crew bridesmaid dress in lilac: https://www.jcrew.com/wedding/Wedding_Bridesmaid/short/PRDOVR~B7674/B7674.jsp It was comfy and fun to dance in; I felt pretty and just like a fancier version of myself :)

          • Lizzie

            GORGEOUS. So glad to hear – comfy, pretty, like a fancier version of myself – that’s what matters, right? (Right!)

          • Danielle

            That really is what matters!

            The wedding day can be so intense/emotional/surreal/exhausting/exhilarating/disappointing (all the feels)… it’s nice to feel like yourself and grounded in what you’re wearing, at least!

        • emilyg25

          Oh my gosh, then this dress is PERFECT and you MUST BUY IT.

          My dress looked like so: https://apracticalwedding.com/2013/11/quaker-at-home-wedding/

          • Lisa

            Ahhh, that’s your wedding! I never knew!

          • Lizzie

            OH WAIT I LOVE YOUR DRESS

            I actually searched the APW archives for non-white dresses as I sat in the fitting room, no joke, and I found yours and scrolled through it and it gave me a lot of confidence and fist bumps. I’m so happy to talk to you! Hooray! Thank you for helping me get from fitting room to checkout counter!

          • emilyg25

            Thanks/you’re welcome! Choosing a dress that’s authentic to you is awesome.

    • NotMarried!

      It is beautiful! Absolutely beautiful!

    • Alanna Cartier

      LOVE IT.

    • Laura C

      It’s beautiful and it looks like it’ll be so comfortable and easy to wear. Go for it!

      One of the things I was happiest about from our wedding was my dress that I got on sale for $400 (down from $990, thank you!) from Saks. It was silver lace and I hope I get to wear it again someday. Maybe an inaugural ball or something.

      • Lizzie

        Yay, good, glad to hear it wasn’t just a “well that worked out fine” but one of the happiest elements! I continue to be surprised at how much I have to battle the idea that something has to be laborious and expensive in order to qualify as one of the HAPPIEST parts. Like, I found our photographer after a pretty quick search and an afternoon of short meetings, and I’m confident that it’ll be good (and within budget)… but since it was easy, I haven’t really allowed for room that it’s gonna be GREAT. I love the idea that yes, something can be easy AND affordable AND a highlight.

    • Vanessa

      DOPE

      • Lizzie

        T Y T Y

    • BSM

      I love this!!! I actually really wanted a floral dress, too, but found a white dress in my budget that I loved first. Pics afterwards, please!

      • Lizzie

        :) :) Pics for sure!

    • Sparkles

      I don’t know what you’re thinking. That dress screams Boho laid back wedding to me. The lacy white top is all traditional wedding dress and the bottom is the Boho laid back part. Haters gonna hate, but I think you’ve nailed it.

      • Lizzie

        Yas yas excellent! Haters gonna hate, I’m gonna be like “whatever, the internet ladies said I nailed it.”

        • “Potatoes gonna potate.”

    • This dress is perfect for a lunch wedding. Perfect.

      • Lizzie

        Thank you! I feel re-awesome about it from all the love here : )

    • It’s a very lovely dress :)

    • ART

      It’s not OK – it’s lovely and badass! AI think all those “even thoughs” are its super strong points.

      • ART

        *I think. (Also, I cringed at the thought of going to a bridal salon or, honestly, spending more than a few hundred bucks. I really wanted to find a used/vintage dress and dip-dye it, but instead ended up making one and used silk sashes that I dyed.)

        • Lizzie

          Yay! Thank you! Really helps to hear voices in support. And, yours sounds GORGEOUS. I thought of dyeing something too, but that felt way out of my DIY realm – would have ended up with a similar solution to you.

          • ART

            Yeah, I found I just didn’t have the patience or smarts or I don’t know what it takes to buy a vintage dress on ebay or craigslist (or anywhere). Dyeing is pretty accessible though if you ever have the inclination! There’s a good tute on table runners on APW that I used.

    • nonny

      That gown is gorgeous. To make you feel better, here’s my story: went to David’s Bridal and found a gown I loved and everyone else loved it b/c I did. It was originally $600, but for some reason I no longer remember marked down to $400, and in addition 10% off, so the whole thing cost $360. My stereotypical “salon bridal gown” only cost $100 more than yours. So it’s not like you’re way off of some normal price mark or anything. Love it!

      • nonny

        Oh shoot..I forgot to say I had one fitting and it was b/c I was wearing flats so the dress was 1″ too long. If I had any sewing skills I would have just down it myself. So again, it’s not like you’re way off the marke here.

      • Lizzie

        Can I say, that actually really does make me feel better! It’s not so stark – either go totally off the rails, or do the all-in $$$$ boutique experience. Helps me place my experience on a spectrum, not on one end of a pole. Also: congrats on finding a killer dress for a good price! From the trenches, I know, not easy to do. : )

  • Lisa

    Ok, guys, three separate things:

    1. My show at Badtown U opens tonight! It’s the first show of which I’ve been a part in the past couple of years, and even though I’m only in the chorus and am constantly reminded of how old I am by the presence of undergrads, I’m kind of excited to be taking part. (There’s also an added level of fun because I can wink at my husband, who is sitting down in the pit.)

    2. This is the best response to the Yelp open letter and that awful response.

    3. I feel practically famous this week because, while I was going through the APW directory looking for vendors to recommend my friend for her wedding, I decided to check out my own photographer’s listing and discovered that we’re on the photo strip! It’s the little things.

    • I Don’t Knowww, Margo!

      Break all the legs tonight! Opening a show is the best feeling!

    • A.

      “Listen, assholes: You made mistakes when you were young. So did I. We still make mistakes. And while this series of mistakes had a train wreck appeal and a predictable ending, let’s not pretend your generation of dead-end jobs and multiple divorces saw everything coming, either.”

      Oh, wow. Boom. That’s a razor-sharp line in a piece that’s ultimately very compassionate and empathetic. Thanks for sharing! The idea of bootstrapping hurts all generations, even/especially when people don’t make perfect decisions. I’ll admit the original Yelp letter made me sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose a little, but the response has [overall] been so unnecessarily cruel.

      • Lisa

        I agree that it was really naïve of her to post the original letter and probably won’t be a boon to her professional career, but the backlash was overwhelming and mostly uncalled for. That original response made my stomach turn more than the letter did, and it really upsets me that some of my friends were sharing it around social media.

      • Cellistec (formerly Lizzie)

        Yeah, I want to print that excerpt on business cards and hand them out to people who start complaining about Millennials for nothing.

      • Kayjayoh

        Re the show: break a leg!

    • Christina McPants

      1. Break a leg!

      2. That whole “what an entitled whiner, thinking she should be able to live on the earnings of her 40 hour a week day job” response BUGS THE HELL OUT OF ME. Isn’t that the bill of goods we have been sold? That full time employment should reasonably allow you to live? What’s wrong with the Bay Area that $12 an hour is poverty wages) (I think it’s something like $25K/$26K annually, which isn’t tons, but should get you at least a room in a group home) Why is the Yelp’s CEO response to acknowledge that COLA in the Bay Area insane not to, you know, address the problem by paying employees more, but outsourcing future jobs to another state? Apparently, according to her twitter, she wasn’t just living on rice like she claimed, but still. She moved to the Bay Area with the thought that she’d be able to eventually apply for a job to advance her career and got there to find out the timeline was going to be longer than she thought. What they gave her in the interim was unsustainable.

      • Well, I agree the the response was unkind – mostly because I think she’s probably depressed or has other problems. She says she used to live somewhere else and wanted to kill herself every day. That’s something that points to a problem with her, not her location. So it’s a case of ‘wherever you are, there you go’ – her personal problems stayed with her, regardless of location. Plus, she was told that she’d have to be in her current situation for a year before moving up – not an unreasonable amount of time. From the article (‘I’ve only been here a short while, but I’ve seen lots of turnover’), it doesn’t seem like she had been there for very long.

        If we’re talking purely financially, she definitely could have made it work – remember, she’s not actually renting out a room, she’s living ALONE in an apartment (which is a luxury). Here’s a response I loved: https://medium.com/@Izhou/to-talia-how-to-live-in-sf-on-17-597-76-a-year-1c6a39a630f6

  • Lindsay

    my wedding dress had pockets, and that fact DEFINITELY influenced my choosing it!

    • Emily

      mine too! Although the line on the description was “need a place to keep your lipstick?”

      • Marcela

        To be fair, what else are you really going to be carrying around during your wedding?

        • ML

          A tissue and copy of vows :) There were a few audience chuckles when I pulled out my vows from my pocket! I think I’d be scared of lipstick somehow melting onto my cream dress, even though it had poofy layers.

          • Marcela

            That is super lovely :)

          • Danielle

            I pinned my vows inside the hem of my dress and everyone laughed when I lifted it up to get them :)

        • Eenie

          A flask.

          • Marcela

            That’s what the garter is for. ;)

        • emmers

          Ha. I carried around Dayquil and cough syrup. Womp womp.

        • I carried around my phone, because I like having it with me. And hair ties and some pain killers just in case. And maybe some snacks? Like a granola bar or two (which wasn’t necessary because everyone was so good at feeding me). And also my ID in case I needed it for any reason. Although, I didn’t have pockets, so I had a small purse for the reception that I scrounged up that morning from things around our house because I realized I would need to have a way to keep things with me at the reception (I figured I wouldnt need anthing during the ceremony and I was right). It was black and ruffly and I think my sister took it to her sophomore winter formal 10 years ago? But it served it’s purpose.

    • eating words

      Me too! There was a hilarious moment during my wedding ceremony when I pulled my hanky out of my pocket and more than one person whispered in awe, “Her dress has POCKETS!”

    • ART

      I made mine, so it for suuurrre had pockets. It was great for my chapstick and hankie, and my husband and I didn’t have a best man or MOH so we just decided to have each other’s rings in our pockets for the ceremony (which I really liked). I even got a white cover for my phone so I could take some Instagram shots throughout the day and it wouldn’t show through :)

    • Shawna

      Uhg, I have still not made peace with the fact that I am having my dress customized (not completely built from scratch, but fairly close) and it STILL doesn’t have pockets. :( It just doesn’t work with the style we ended up with. Those stupid only-deep-enough-for-chapstick pockets would infuriate me more than having no pockets so that’s the way we went.

      But I cannot WAIT to share my dress after the fact because it is going to be AMAZING. I finally had my first fitting and my family butted in to see (even though it is SO not done yet) and mom cried (I can count on one hand the number of times I have seen my mom cry). And dad loved it. So winning points where I did not expect them! Hooray. Also, I totally got chills. I’ve envisioned this dress for so long and it’s crazy how close we are to the thing I always wanted and had figured would never come to be real (I have never seen something like it before so we had to invent it).

  • macrain

    I’ve just started to really come to grips with the possibility of Trump, and it’s terrifying. I’d much rather go back to thinking this is all a big joke than believing that this person reasonably could be our president.

    • Amy March

      It makes me feel like I didn’t appreciate Jeb! enough when he was around.

    • emilyg25

      I still do not believe Trump has a snowball’s chance in hell of winning the presidency.

      • A.

        I really hope not. Though if he even gets as far as the general, I think that says something really powerful about the state of our country and the noxious values of a significant portion of the population. That’s (almost) worse.

        • macrain

          It already does make a powerful statement. It makes me so sad and confused about our country and the people in it.

        • BSM

          Yep. When he first announced his candidacy, my husband thought it was hilarious, but I was immediately disgusted. Not to make things worse, but have you seen the report on a survey of his supporters that found that 20% of them didn’t think the slaves should have been freed? It’s so horrible.

          • I get this feeling it’s related to the opposition of executive orders and ever-expanding federal government (i.e., the federal government shouldn’t have that much control over states, the states should’ve been allowed to decide the legality of slavery on their own, etc. etc.). It’s sorta the exact same logic they did for gay marriage, no? At least the ones that didn’t want to come out completely as homophobic?

            Of course, it’s this logic taken to an extreme perspective at the cost of human rights. So.

          • BSM

            It was in a survey about executive orders, but, at least from what I read, respondents were neutral on the use of executive power overall and *especially* opposed to the Emancipation Proclamation. So that would make it extra terrible.

          • KDSA

            Being openly/especially opposed to the Emancipation Proclamation…I just…I can’t…my brain…

      • Danielle

        I hope you’re right but I’m really scared. He’s won 3 out of 4 primaries so far!

        • Eenie

          That’s for the republican nomination, not the presidency. If he wins the nomination, I guarantee we will have a record turnout of voters. I hope whoever runs against him ends up winning. Trump’s supporters based on exit polls are the ones least likely to show up to the polls.

          • Danielle

            Yes, I’m aware of that. But still!!!!!!!

            ETA: I would vote for Miss Fucking Piggy or any animal, puppet or human who ran against Trump. Seriously. It just can’t be him.

          • emmers

            Yea, I started to get really scared when people at work started talking about how this looks internationally, and also there’s some article out right now about how some guy has done a statistical model where he’s likely to win. It made me feel like my vote might not count, and then I was like, that’s dumb, of course it counts. Oh, politics! You make my tummy all tight!

          • BSM

            Exactly. While he’s been decisively winning these early primaries, he’s only been garnering about 1/3 of the votes cast, and that’s out of a very small pool of registered Republicans (not many turn out for the primaries).

            The (probably stupid) optimist in me keeps hoping that trying to keep him from getting elected is what will push some Republicans to reach across party lines to start working together. So far, I’ve been disappointed, but maybe Trump officially winning the nomination will be the final straw.

          • macrain

            I saw this thing on Rachel Maddow about voter turnout that scared the living crap out of me. Basically, republicans are setting records for voter turnout, while turnout for dems is down across the board. Given, this is for the primaries and not the general election, BUT STILL. It’s something to be concerned about, for sure.

          • Eenie

            But in all honesty, when you look at the differences between Clinton and Sanders, they are basically the same platform with some minor difference. It’s like choosing between chocolate chips and chocolate chunks for making cookies. I’m not going to care that much, they’re basically going to give me the same thing in the end. But when you put chocolate chunks next to poop, I’m going to make sure I get the chocolate.

          • another lady

            SO. MUCH. AWESOME! Chocolate chunks next to poop…..!!!

          • A.

            Yes. Has Clinton done some shitty things in her career? Yup. But so has Bernie! They just aren’t as publicized because there hasn’t been a 25-year-long smear (ETA: based in misogyny, let’s be real) campaign against him! It’s not worth getting into a she-did-this-but-he-did-that debate because there are no saints in politics. But we’re talking about two fundamentally decent if imperfect progressives who more-or-less want the same thing, but in slightly different ways.

            The in-fighting is truly infuratiating to me.

        • Keeks

          What does it mean if I can’t recall who actually did win the 4th primary? Eeeek.

          • Eenie

            Cruz! Don’t feel too bad, it was technically a caucus ;)

      • Her Lindsayship

        I think he has an excellent chance of winning the Republican nomination (which, as A. pointed out, is horrifying in and of itself) – and once he’s there, I’m scared a lot of Republicans will vote for him even if they don’t like him just to get the Dems out of office. Thankfully a lot of the establishment bitterly hates him, at least there’s that…

      • emmers

        One positive thing about this is my very-conservative mother-in-law (who normally posts way bad things about Obama, etc) has been posting things on social media about how much she hates Trump. I don’t think she would ever vote for HRC or Bern, but it did make me feel a little good.

      • I know there are lies, damn lies, and statistics (as the saying goes) but this historically accurate statistical model predicts a Trump presidency: http://www.usnews.com/news/articles/2016-02-26/trump-will-become-president-statistical-model-says

        I think it’s time to take him seriously. I also believed that the anti-Trump turnout would automatically defeat Trump supporters, but I think the difficulty is getting support for any one candidate and not splitting the anti-Trump votes. It is scarily similar to how “vote for the worst” worked to keep bad contestants on American Idol.

    • A.

      There’s no real viable alternative for the GOP either, which is at least equally and probably actually more insidiously terrifying. I think Cruz would be worse than Trump in many ways and Rubio is a wolf in the establishment’s sheep clothing. It’s horrifying and depressing. I really hope progressives band together with whoever gets the nomination (either HRC or Bernie, though let’s be honest…it’s probably going to be HRC) instead of continuing in-fighting over what are truly small potatoes compared to the real danger we’re facing from the opposition in November.

      • macrain

        Yes! My husband pointed this out too. That at least if he wins, he’s a better alternative than the other two. Which… did not make me feel any better.

      • Jess

        YES. The prospect of any of the GOP candidates terrifies me and I literally DO NOT CARE if the nomination goes to Bernie or HRC as long as we can all agree to vote for whoever it is so Trump doesn’t win.

        I really don’t want Trump to be viable, but I’ve been hearing from enough people that he has actual real life supports that agree with him.

        • A.

          My uncle by marriage (it’s always uncles!) is a yuuuuge Trump supporter. He fits the profile: racist, limited critical thinking skills, with a low-earning blue-collar job. He’s married to a Latina woman and has a Latina daughter, but I truly believe he lacks the ability to cognize how much a President Trump would hurt them. And if that’s the case, he has little-to-no ability to see or empathize with the people he doesn’t know. And as a cherry on top, he thinks all Muslims are terrorists.

          It’s real.

          • Eenie

            The daily show interviewed Trump supporters on one of their segments. It ended up being scary and not necessarily funny with what these people would say.

          • Jess

            It is ALWAYS an uncle.

            The thing is, I’m scared of Trump not so much because of his incredibly racist, misogynist, hateful personality on its own but because there are just so many people out there who hear him and think to themselves, “Yes. This man has it right. And because he can say it and think it, I can say it and think it AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.”

          • Marcela

            My ILs are those people. I don’t know how to deal with this. My MIL said that slaves were actually pretty happy and its just liberal distortion that makes things seem bad.

          • Lisa

            O.O

            I just…I…what???

          • Marcela

            Yeah and if you try to disagree with her on stuff, it leads to a MAJOR blowup.

          • emilyg25

            Can you like not ever see her? That’s what I’d be doing. Or at least bowing out of my social gatherings than not.

          • Marcela

            We’ve tried, but my husband has a hard time reconciling his desire to be a good son and the reality of his mother. We do know that we would never move to where my husband grew up, despite loving the area, to at least keep some distance.

          • emmers

            There’s a captain awkward article about this up right now that applies more to ppl who live near tough in-laws. But it has some stuff about how it can be helpful if the partner who wants the relationship is the one to visit the in-laws. Like maybe your husband could be the one who visits, cuz you’re too busy “at work” or “visiting other ppl” or “you can’t afford two flights. or a dog sitter.” etc. etc.

          • Marcela

            I spend a lot of time on Captain Awkward. We have made some of those changes, but I can’t get out of all the visits. I have stopped taking time off work when they visit and that helps.

          • Lisa

            My FIL is kind of like this, too. We’re both stubborn, and I won’t back down when I care about something, while he likes to push people’s buttons to see how far he can get an argument to go. The frustrating thing is he believes most of the crazy stuff he says so it’s not just a devil’s advocate situation.

            Generally he’s a loving guy, but he’s in his early- to mid-70s, and I think there are certain opinions we just have to wait for to die out.

          • Marcela

            Part of my frustration is that she’s not that old! Early 60’s. Too flipping young to be this way!

          • So…I tend to suspect that a lot of these kinds of opinions come from two general reasons: (1) a lack of intellectual development (http://byov.blogspot.com/2012/12/stages-of-intellectual-development.html and (2) a lack of information literacy skills (evaluating sources for authority, credibility, relevance, etc.). These are likely related to most people’s interpretation of critical thinking skills.

            If MIL doesn’t believe that knowledge/truth is shades of grey with varying weights of evidence…and she can’t determine the weights of that evidence (authority, credibility, accuracy, and relevance), then you’re going to have a helluva time bringing her to the actual truth. Either try to advance her intellectual development and information literacy skills, or just give up and ban certain topics from being discussed…

          • Marcela

            We’ve gone for option 2. There are some neuro issues here that have limited her ability to differentiate fact from fiction and have worsened an already less than stable mentality.

          • Yeah, I think with older generations avoiding the topic is usually the easiest, if not the best, way to go.

          • Oh gawd, I am so, so sorry. I don’t even know where to start.

          • Marcela

            I don’t either. It’s really shaken me up. I just sat there and ignored it, but I know that eventually we’ll have to confront it head on when we have kids. My husband responded by saying that that wasn’t true, but she kept insisting. Also slaves got to keep anything they made after noon.
            This came about because my husband mentioned setting up externships(unpaid) over the summer. His mom equated this with slavery and then dropped those bits of crazy after my husband tried to deny that the situation was in any way comparable. She was saying he’d have it worse than the slaves.

          • lildutchgrrl

            I think I know where that little nugget came from, but she’s got it twisted. In some areas, some of the more permissive slave owners allowed their slaves to work for wages on Saturday afternoon, and keep the money. Some enslaved people were able to buy their freedom, or their family’s freedom after years and years of saving. So, yeah, these were people who were treated as PROPERTY and were occasionally granted some semblance of human rights in the labor force for a few hours a week. Not cool, MIL.

          • Jess

            I try really hard to limit myself to two statements that make them feel awful about their racism a visit.

            The rest of the time I just look at them in shock and don’t say anything. So far, I’m succeeding in making them really uncomfortable in what they felt was a safe space. Fair’s fair.

          • Marcela

            I’ve tried the looking at them in shock thing and it’s backfired on me. Huge blowup fight where its my fault for not just ignoring the crazy like the rest of the family does.

          • Jess

            Mmmm yeah, it really only works in families that fundamentally believe in non-confrontation.

            Or, like in my mom’s case, in relationships where if you show up with facts and logic, they at least respect what you have to say.

          • Marcela

            The family believes in non-confrontation. She doesn’t. This has led to an enabling mindset that lets her get away with things to keep the peace.
            Facts and logic have no place here!

          • Lisa

          • AGCourtney

            I think I laugh harder each time I scroll past and see this.

          • Jess

            Arrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhhh This is the worst of all possible cases. At least if they were all confrontational, you could be like, “I disagree!!!!” Now you get the “How dare you disagree with me” and the “I can’t believe you said anything” disapproval all at once.

          • Emily

            I want to get better at statements that hopefully help people understand… or (and?) make them feel awful.

          • Emily

            I’ve ben thinking about this too… the number of people that Trump seems to be resonating with is surprising and scary to me. I knew the country was divided but somehow he is making the divide feel worse and scarier than before.

        • Yeah, I don’t care if it’s Bernie or HRC. Neither of them will burn the country down. That’s my standard now: “Who won’t burn the country down?”. Ugh.

          • Jess

            right? That’s the best we can hope for. I just need someone who won’t obliterate the progress absolutely any marginalized group has made over the last century.

            That’s literally scraping the bare minimum of what a candidate should be.

      • Cassidy

        Take this with a grain of salt, since polling has been really hit or miss this election cycle, but it appears that most of the folks to the left of center think highly of both HRC and Bernie, so it would seem that they will rally behind either candidate. My hope above hopes is that the terror around Trump (if he’s the candidate) will motivate folks that don’t typically get to the polls to vote for HRC/Bernie (and maybe some other progressives while they’re at it!).

      • Spot

        Oh, I wouldn’t say that. There’s a massive media circus around the loudest blowhards, but everyone forgets about Kasich. He’s a Wall Street darling and has kept his nose clean, and I imagine the kind of money and power tied up in the Republican party is interested in nominating someone who isn’t, like, openly despised by a good chunk of their voter base.

        That said, re: Trump I had the same feeling of “lol no way this can happen” about The Terminator’s rise to government power, so…

        • Mary Jo TC

          Has Kasich yet finished better than 3rd or 4th place, though? Why would Cruz or Rubio drop out to support Kasich when they’re consistently beating him?
          And, my God, I’m a teacher who follows education policy pretty closely, and I think Kasich might be the worst in the entire field on K-12 education. The charter school scandals in Ohio have been insane, and if he brings those policies to the national level it will be a disaster.

        • Keeks

          As someone who lives in Ohio, Kasich is definitely NOT rainbows and kittens. Just this week: 1. He signed a bill to fully defund Planned Parenthood, 2. He lamented that women are no longer at home during the day to answer his calls, and 3. Three cities in this state were in the NYT’s list of top 10 most economically distressed cities. “Speak softly and carry a big stick,” seems to sum it up pretty well.

          • Spot

            Don’t worry, I’m not under the delusion that Kasich is less terrifying or any kind of alternative to the others in that clown car. He’s just under the radar and not kicking up quite as much idiotic sound clip dust as the others, which makes him a very dangerous potential opponent for the Democrats.

          • MC

            And he said something about how women were “leaving their kitchens” to come out and support him. Ugh.

    • Danielle

      I’m also really scared. It just seems so possible right now (he has won 3 out of 4 primaries) and I DO NOT want to live in a country that he rules.

      I am really, really scared that enough Americans like him to seriously, actually vote for him as our leader.

    • Her Lindsayship

      I read this article today and it really hit the nail on the head in terms of what I’ve suspected is happening with this whole Trump catastrophe: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/donald-trump-noam-chomsky-white-mortality_us_56cf8618e4b0bf0dab31838f

      • emilyg25

        Yes, and I think that precisely *because* white America is dying is why he can’t win the actual election. There are too many women, people of color, educated people, liberals, moderates, etc. etc. in this country.

    • Alanna Cartier

      My fiancee is just coming out of school with a computer science degree, and we were considering moving to the US (higher dollar, better paying jobs), but I simply will not live in a country were trump is president.

      • Meg

        do you live in Canada? Don’t leave

      • Not Sarah

        My boyfriend and I both made that move several years ago and it is so hard to move back that I’m not sure when we’ll ever get around to it. I estimated with exchange rates, we’d make about 1/3 of what we do now if we were to move back to Canada, which is a really hard decision to wrestle with.

        • Alanna Cartier

          That’s the reason we’re considering making the move. Making a third more, and having a lower cost of living sounds pretty nice. Also- I think I’d save a huge amount on shipping on all my online purchases.

          But I like having rights- so we are going to wait to see how this election goes.

      • Danielle

        That’s totally valid AND makes me feel really sad that my country is provoking these reactions :/

    • I picture a few scenarios playing out:
      1 – GOPers come to blows at the convention cause they want anyone but Trump to get the official nomination
      2 – Trump gets the nom & at the convention is all “just kidding guys!”
      3 – Trump somehow gets elected President & then probably says “this is too much work, I’m out!” and his VP becomes President.

      The only one I can actually handle is #1

    • Marcela

      You guys, I need help. My husband’s family is all pro-Trump and yesterday my husband (who is a lovely person, just very influenced by family and not very into politics) mentioned he didn’t understand why Trump is so terrible to me. I was in shock and could not articulate anything.
      Can someone help me with a succinct way to explain how Trump is the worst thing ever?

      • A.

        I tend to go with something like, “Donald Trump’s beliefs, especially regarding women, Mexican immigrants, Syrian refugees, and the Muslim faith, are inherently un-American. His loudest, most boisterous claims would serve to completely dismantle everything our country was founded on and what still makes us great, despite our many problems.”

        I also like: “He would be embarrassing at best, destructive at worst in an increasingly globalized world and would alienate us from our allies and other world leaders. Foreign policy is arguably the single most important job a President has and, in addition to having zero experience in this regard, his rhetoric indicates that he would be violent and impulsive in his role as Commander-in-Chief, making the United States vulnerable.”

        Really depends on what resonates, though. There are a few more reasons too (ha).

        • Marcela

          Thank you! I might try a spin on this.
          I’m a first gen immigrant and Trump just bothers me on such a deep level, i’m not good at articulating. I tried to tell my husband how if he was POTUS 20 years ago, I would not have been welcomed into this country. That didn’t really sink in, and his response made me think we need to have some conversations on empathy.

        • rg223

          “Inherently un-American” – yes yes yes yes yes!

      • emmers

        There’s a CNN article about how former Mexican president Vincente Fox said “I’m not going to pay for that f-ing wall.” I think that’s evidence about how some leaders around the world feel. http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/26/politics/vicente-fox-donald-trump-wall-expletive/

    • Glen

      I was a studying abroad in Russia during the 1st Putin election — the parallels between his campaign rhetoric and Trump’s are beyond frightening to me.

  • emilyg25

    Thank you to everyone who supported my decision to ask my boss about going part time. I asked and … I got it! Starting next week, I get three-day weekends out the wazoo and can chillax with my tiny buddy every Friday. And I can still do work I enjoy and make a reasonable salary. I’m feeling very fortunate.

    • Eenie

      That is awesome! Way to ask for what you wanted/needed.

    • rg223

      Yay!!! Congrats to you !

    • AGCourtney

      Yay! Congratulations, I’m so happy for you.

      • Mary Smith

        ❝my .friend’s mate Is getting 98$. HOURLY. on the internet.”….two days ago new McLaren. F1 bought after earning 18,512$,,,this was my previous month’s paycheck ,and-a little over, 17k$ Last month ..3-5 h/r of work a days ..with extra open doors & weekly. paychecks.. it’s realy the easiest work I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months ago and now making over 87$, p/h.Learn. More right Here!!b280➤➤➤➤➤ http://GlobalSuperEmploymentVacanciesReportsWeb/GetPaid/98$hourly…. .❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:❦2:::::!!b280…….

      • Marylnieves1

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      • Maryccoogan2

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    • NotMarried!

      That’s fantastic! Congrats!

    • MC

      Yay!!! Super congrats! 3-day weekends sound so dreamy :)

    • ruth

      Congratulations! Just reading your story really inspires me to have similar conversations in my work life. Enjoy the time with your tiny buddy!

      • emilyg25

        Good luck!

  • Her Lindsayship

    1) Tomorrow is my boyfriend’s birthday and I’m pretty sure he’s bought a ring and no matter how hard I try to be a ‘cool girl’ about it (side rant: why is that a thing now, anybody else hate that? Alluding to a notion of female hysteria we’ve surely all been victim to, subtle but gross imo) I got an idea in my head he might propose this weekend. Now I’m screwed. If he doesn’t propose I’ll be disappointed for literally no reason, if he does propose I’m afraid my reaction will be more like relief than excitement. Oh hell, who are we kidding – I’d be very excited!

    2) However, a grave truth is dawning in that I really don’t know if I’d be willing to fuck the goat.

    • emmers

      Lady, I had so many times when I was sure my guy would propose, and many steak dinners that ended in tears. I totally get it! If you’re right, many congratulations, and if you’re wrong, this is a normal thing (the rollercoaster!), and I hope you’re not too disappointed!

    • another lady

      Just for a reality check – I highly doubt that he will propose on HIS birthday! Maybe on YOUR birthday, but not on his. Also, my hubs apparently had the ring for like 3 months before he proposed. I did find it in his overnight bag before we went on a trip, and I was so relieved and I actually think it make the proposal easier for me. I NEVER told him I knew and I still acted surprised and was definitely elated and everything that goes with a proposal. So, try not to worry too much or ruin too many special occasions!

      • Amy March

        Completely agree! You don’t just have to be screwed because an idea popped into your head! Talk yourself out of it. Why’s he going to give you a gift for his birthday? That’s just not how birthdays work.

      • Her Lindsayship

        He’s already adamantly expressed that he would not propose on my birthday (in a month), because he doesn’t want to ‘hijack’ my birthday. To which my response was a measured “WTFFFFF WHYYYYYY I DON’T CARE ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY”

        And for the record, I recognize that it doesn’t make sense he’d propose on his birthday, especially given the above, but the brain already went there and now logic doesn’t seem to factor in?

        /Logic does factor in but it’s a little skewed, like part of me is thinking it would really make sense for him to do it super soon because if I’m right and he already has the ring, we only have a 30 day window to exchange it if I decide I want yellow gold instead of white gold. (This possibility was discussed at the ring appointment. But maybe he’s not concerned about that anymore?) Please excuse the word vomit.

      • Mary Jo TC

        Actually, my brother-in-law proposed on HIS birthday. He said something to her about how her ‘yes’ would be the greatest birthday present he could ever get. It was sweet.
        Solidarity for all y’all whose guy had the ring for months before proposing, especially if you found it. Me too. It definitely makes it suck more.

    • Sparkles

      My dad let it slip when my partner was going to propose so I knew knew knew. I pretended not to know, but knowing made it that much cuter and more exciting. I’m still all glowy thinking about it (and that was 2.5 years ago). Maybe reframe your knowing as an opportunity to savour the excitement? That’s how I still feel about the whole thing.

      • Her Lindsayship

        This is so sweet!! <3 I don't know when he'll propose. I just have maddening suspicions… But you're definitely right about reframing. Thank you!

    • Alanna Cartier

      My fiancee had the ring for MONTHS before he proposed. I know it’s crazy hard to be calm, but that is my best advice. From personal experience, I definitely don’t suggest getting really drunk and saying things like, “Why don’t you want to marry me?” while crying your face off.

      Side Note: Isn’t it crazy how something you are totally fine about manifests into the BIGGEST DEAL EVER when you have one too many glasses of wine… ugh.

      • another lady

        also, don’t yell at him and pick a fight when yet another one of your friends gets engaged before you! (ahemm) that probably won’t help the situation, just saying.

        • Alanna Cartier

          I also do not know this from experience.

          Man I wish women just had more agency in this whole dang process.

          • emmers

            Some women propose themselves, which is cool. It also helped a ton when (after too many tears), we had a bunch of real talks, and finally set a proposal “deadline.” But yes, it sucks that sometimes the default is helpless tears.

          • Her Lindsayship

            He definitely wants to be the one to propose so I may have threatened to do it first if he waits too long. We’ve been talking about it together a good while, and we went and looked at rings together, so I do feel I’ve had some agency. I also bought him a watch that I’ve secreted away as a sort of surprise-mutual proposal gift. Still, had to sit him down a couple weeks ago and explain to him why it sucks for me to be in this position where there’s this huge life change about to happen and I have absolutely no control over when or how it happens.

            Real talk: I think he’s delighted that I’m freaking out a little bit. I haven’t reached a helpless tears level yet, so at least there’s that.

          • Eenie

            You have to take some agency if you want it! I knew the weekend it would happen, designed my own ring, created a timeline together 6 months previously. You don’t have to sit and wait around, but if you don’t do something that is what ends up happening.

      • Her Lindsayship

        So much helpful advice here ;)

    • Keeks

      Dude, I totally stopped trying to play it “cool” at some point. I figured, I’m not laid-back about a single dang thing so I might as well let my type-A flag fly here, too.

      • Marcela

        I gave a deadline because I got shit to do.

      • Her Lindsayship

        I’m so glad I wrote about this here. Bless you, kind Internet stranger.

        • Keeks

          And bless YOU, internet stranger for making my day with that compliment. :)

      • emilyg25

        I cried on Christmas morning because the box that I thought had an engagement ring contained a pair of motherfucking mittens that look like a cat and a dog.

        • Keeks

          A full year before we got engaged: at my family Christmas, “Santa” dropped by to give all the little kids a treat and at the end he pulled out a little box and said, “I have a special little gift for Keeks…” My mom started squealing, hyperventilating, and screaming for a camera because she thought THIS WAS IT. I knew full well this was NOT it and I just about fuged I was so angry.

          You know what was in that box? A lump of coal. Santa (my uncle) got an earful from me about that. And of course now I’m the butt of every joke at Christmas. Christmas is the worst for pre-engaged people!

        • Arie

          to be fair, the mittens do sound adorable.

        • Danielle

          I want to cry just hearing that story.

    • Caitlin

      Hey! I went through this too! We had talked about our timelines and looked at rings and agreed it would be happening soon, but a surprise, then a few months later we went to visit our alma mater (where we met), on our anniversary, and stopped by my parents first (which was out of the way). In retrospect, it’s glaringly obvious what was happening, but I had all the same feelings of I’m pretty sure this awesome thing is happening, but what if it’s not?! What I tried, and your mileage may vary, was not tell anyone my suspicions (anonymous internet is cool, but friends you might have to tell you were wrong) and tell myself over and over that it was not happening, while still letting myself fantasize a bit and have the warm glow of “but it might be!” This led to a funny lead up to our proposal, with my soon to be fiance being very quiet and nervous, and me acting determinedly like nothing unusual was happening… which led us to eating Taco Bell right before a romantic trip around the gorgeous lakes of our school, because well it was lunch time and neither of us wanted to admit that something out of the ordinary is happening! I also talked way more about snow in my socks while walking around said lakes than anyone rightfully should to nervous talk fill my fiances nervous silence. Long personal story aside, you will get through it too and if it leads to any funny moments, you will treasure those later as a cute story even if they are anxiety inducing at the time. Good luck! If it’s not this weekend, then it will probably be soon, you know your situation and your boyfriend better than anyone, so enjoy the roller coaster!

    • Being single is not so bad that it’s worth giving up on your moral code. That’s the goat question abstracted a bit, right?

  • AGCourtney

    My husband and I have a running joke about “male privilege pockets.” I recently bought my daughter a “pocket skirt” from a new clothing company, Primary*, and was very pleased with it when it arrived. My husband was actually the one to exclaim something like, “Hey, these are male privilege pockets! Yay!” I get by in the wintertime since I can keep my wallet, keys, and phone in my coat pockets (rip in the lining = excellent) but every year, as it gets warm, I’m faced with a “…damn” moment as I pretty much have to bring a purse if I go anywhere.

    *This was actually the first time I have EVER bought clothing new for my daughter – even her flower girl dress was from a garage sale. But if anyone’s looking for new kid’s clothing, I highly recommend them. Very reasonably priced, quality, colorful classic staples – nothing trendy or covered in characters.

    • emilyg25

      Yes to Primary! I’m just waiting for the shorts to restock to place my first order.

    • April

      “male privilege pockets.” YES. All those jokes about women and their purses. You would too if you couldn’t ever fit anything in your damn pockets!!

  • Leah

    Dear Internet Strangers,
    I posted back in December HH about how freaked out I was about my brand new pregnancy, and the fear of miscarriage, and I hadn’t started telling people yet and needed…human feedback of some kind on my internal echo chamber. It felt like a little bit of a desperate move on my part, but I just wanted to stop back in and say that: HOLY COW you guys helped a lot. Really, just hearing your non-crazy (hello, rest of the internet) advice and reassurance helped to center me. So: Thank you. (Also, 16 weeks now, things are going great, I’ve stopped feeling like crap, and am feeling way more relaxed with the general complete uncertainty of the whole endeavor – for now).
    Hugs,
    Leah

    • another lady

      YEAH! So glad to hear it’s working out! I remember feeling so happy and scared (and nauseous) during the first trimester and assuming it would all end at any moment. Congrats on getting through it! It’s true what they say, the 2nd trimester is GOLDEN & WONDERFUL! Try to relax and embrace it as much as you can. Also, now that you are probably telling people, you can blame things on the baby! Just at 3 cupcakes – the baby is making me hungry! Funky smell near you – the baby made me fart! Tired and slept until 10am – the baby is making you sleepy!

      • As a current 8 week-er, who is constantly feeling like total crap, it is really reassuring to hear from both of you that it does get better at 12 weeks. Each morning I count down to that 12 week marker (even though I imagine it won’t magically *poof* be great) its nice to know my stomach won’t be a mess for the rest of my life. So now thank you, Leah, for reassuring us :)

        • another lady

          for me it slowly got better from 14-17 weeks. although, I know people who said they magically woke up at 13 weeks and weren’t nauseous anymore. so, it’s possible. Hope it gets better for you soon! Also, there are still meds they can give you to help you out – don’t be afraid to ask your doctor. I was only able to go to work on a daily basis from week 8-14 because I had anti-nausea meds! good luck!

          • Thanks for the tip, I was wondering how likely 12 weeks was. It sounds like I should adjust a bit. I’ve been doing acupuncture for headaches and nausea but maybe its time to bring out the big guns. Thanks for the advice :)

        • rg223

          Just as another experience, the magical 2nd trip didn’t happen for me until around 20 weeks. But on the positive side, it lasted well into the 3rd tri, and things weren’t awful again until about two weeks before I delivered my son. So, if things don’t improve at 12 weeks, keep hope alive!

          • rg223

            Ugh, tri not trip! Ugh autocorrect.

          • haha thank you! I will do my best! I’m glad to hear the majority of third was good for you.

        • Leah

          Congrats! And welcome to the crazy ride. Also, I did wake up one day and *poof* magically felt way better, but it happened at 14 weeks, and weeks 10-12 were actually the worst. So, YMMV, with, well, pretty much everything involved with pregnancy it turns out.

          • TeaforTwo

            Yeah, I was so thrilled when I hit 12 weeks and thought I would start feeling better. And then weeks 12-14 my constant nausea levelled up to constant vomitting (including, once, in the grocery store) and I was convinced it was going to be just 40 weeks of hell.

            But it did get better! I traded the sickness for back pain, and then THAT finally went away, and I’m finally, finally in that second trimester “sweet spot” that people had promised me of really enjoying pregnancy.

          • another lady

            For others: I swear by the chiropractor for back pain! Get one the specializes in pregnancy care. Also, you could one of the support belts that helps hold up the belly/baby.

          • TeaforTwo

            I’m sure that’s coming, although the back pain that started around 14/15 weeks surprised me. It wasn’t because of my belly, because there was hardly a belly at all. I think it was all the relaxin, and then maybe some strange sleeping positions. It got better, and I’m sure I’ll get belly weight-related back pain soon!

  • lottie

    In addition to the Rebecca Traister article about single women and politics, NY Magazine ran a great series of essays about single women. Briallen Hopper’s, “Relying on Friendship in a World Made for Couples,” is especially on point to me and addresses some of the conversations that have emerged here about adult friendships and friendships between single and partnered people. The money quote, for me, is: “When friendships are your primary relationships, friendship isn’t just important: It’s existential.” Read it all here: http://nymag.com/thecut/2016/02/single-ladies-friendship-romantic-fraught.html

  • I take my kids to the park every week. The 2.5-year-old loves it, especially when there are other kids there that she can run around with. She thinks everyone is her friend. But they aren’t. Some of them are not very nice to her and she just doesn’t see it. I’m not looking forward to the day she figures it out. It breaks my heart to think about it. In the mean time I’m enjoying her rosy view of the world.

    • EEfromOhio

      Oh! I have a sad/cute story about this. On my first day of kindergarten, I came home crying and my mom could not figure out what was wrong. I loved learning, loved the teacher, loved most of the other kids…etc. Then I said “Mom, some of those kids are mean for no reason.” It ruined my tiny rosy view of the world. Here’s to hoping your kid keeps her rosy view for a while longer!

    • Rebekah

      Off topic, but I saw your comment on Manya’s article earlier this week and wanted to let you know your family’s in my prayers.

  • Christina McPants

    POCKETS. Old Navy used to have the most amazing yoga pants – wide leg, capri, with pockets. They were utterly perfect if you wanted to go to yoga, stick your phone and your housekey in your pants and go for a run with the dog or just go around in public pretending you were wearing real pants. They discontinued them a few years ago and now peddle skin tight compression leggings with tiny key pockets above your butt. Which are so flattering on plus size women. The ones I have left have holes or paint stains on them. Everything is terrible now.

    • Jess

      I buy men’s sweatpants. Pockets, loose fitting, cheap. They also have them in thick and lighweight materials.

      Not great if you want to still be pretending to wear pants, but great for literally everything else.

    • Totch

      Old Navy does at least still put tiny credit card pockets in the waistband of some of their yoga pants (or did last time I bought). It’s a low bar, but that’s such a big deal to me!

  • Camille

    So last week I was all excited about everything going so right with wedding planning, but now with 7 weeks to go we found out that my fiance’s mom isn’t going to make it because of money troubles. He’s calling her today to offer to pay her way out here but she’s not the type of person who accepts help easily. I suggested he tell a white lie and say we have airline miles we can use to cover the trip to maybe make her more receptive to accepting help. I’m hoping this conversation goes well, we also feel like she might not want to come because of other family drama reasons and is sort of using the financial stuff as a cover. Sigh…really hoping it goes okay.

    • Eenie

      That sucks! I found out my fiance’s parents were planning on driving in the day of the wedding. After some calm reasoning, they decided to change their plans and be there for the dinner the night before. I hope she decides to accept some help!

      • Camille

        Oh yeah, my aunt and uncle are flying in the same day as the wedding and I’m a little ???? at that decision, but y’know, whatever. Going to try not to worry about other people’s choices, I have enough to worry about myself! Glad you were able to talk some sense into them!

        • Eenie

          Yes, I have a lot of friends flying in the same day, but I know it’s due to really tight money situations across the board. It could also be due to limited vacation days. I have slightly different expectations for our normally awesome parents!

          • Lisa

            Yes! I had a couple of friends fly in the day of, and it was because they really couldn’t get the time off. (Particularly my resident doctor friend who used her only two day weekend for the month to come to our wedding. So much love on that one!)

        • Jess

          I’m having a Friday wedding, and I’m kind of expecting that people are going to fly in the day of, because… Friday.

          But yeah, parents are kind of important to have there period, and nice to have there the day before.

      • BSM

        Gah, yes! My in-laws decided to stay 40 minutes from our wedding venue, and that really bothered my husband. They didn’t understand why we were so worried, but we got married in LA (venue was in Venice; their hotel was in Redondo Beach), and anyone who’s lived there knows 40 minutes with no traffic can easily become 2 hours for no reason at all. It totally worked out, but we really didn’t need that add’l stress.

    • Keri

      That’s really rough. I hope she comes around!

    • Just me

      Sorry you’re having to deal with this…I think the white lie about airline miles is a great way to approach it. We planned our wedding long distance so the venue would be within a 20 min drive of my husband’s mom. We arranged transportation for her because she doesn’t like to drive new places, and we still weren’t sure if she would make it until about an hour before the ceremony started. It’s so hard when you can’t count on your parents but I just tried to remember that we all have our own issues and what seemed like an easy thing for me was not necessarily and easy thing for her (and vice versa). I hope your fmil can make it but I’m sure you will feel supported and loved by the community that does attend either way!

    • April

      Aw man, that’s rough. I really hope she accepts the help and ends up making it

    • eating words

      I’m sorry this is happening. My sister-in-law (i.e., my wife’s brother’s wife) didn’t come to my wedding — ostensibly for financial reasons, but also because she’s apparently afraid of flying. And she said something hurtful about how she doesn’t really feel close to us, which is surely related to the fact that she has never visited us. (My wife’s brother has visited and did come to the wedding.)

      In my book, family is family because you show up for weddings, bar/bat mitzvahs, and funerals. I’m about to meet this sister-in-law for the first time (!) because we’re flying out there in March to visit, and I admit that I feel weird about the relationship.

  • Hey yall, any recommendations for fertility tracking apps/sites that are not Glow? Cause Glow is pissing me off. Been using it 3 months and it’s actually gotten dumber, not smarter. I missed a period, got excited, and then realized that Glow calculated my period as showing up 2 days earlier than it’s supposed to…so I’m probably not pregnant :-( I like the ease of throwing all my info into Glow – BBT, ovulation kit result, etc – but Glow’s calculations aren’t working for me. Not to mention the contradictory advice that the app gives. So any others I should check out?

    • emilyg25

      Fertility Friend is the gold standard.

      • Going to download right now – thanks for the rec!

      • Lulu

        Particularly if you’re temping and/or like to go down lengthy rabbit holes of “chart galleries” to try to figure out why bodies be so crazy.

    • ML

      I used Clue and liked it!

      • Clue has been awesome for me, and I really like their research-based approach.

      • Ok going to check this out, thanks!

    • Alanna Cartier

      My sis uses p tracker and recommends it.

      • Funny, that’s what I actually started with! I’ve used P Tracker for years, solely to track my period but I figured I would try something new to try tracking my BBT/ovulation/etc. I might just go back to what I know works. Thanks!

    • Nicole

      I liked Clue–very simple and easy to use, and Kindara–less user-friendly but tons of data.

    • I was using Glow, but then its calculations didn’t work for me when I went off my normal schedule, so I downloaded Clue, Fertility Friend Mobile and Ovia Fertility a few months ago. I ended up really liking Ovia and have been using it since then. It is geared toward people trying to conceive (and I am not), but I just ignore the parts that don’t apply to me. I think it’s pretty and more user friendly than Glow. (Though Glow did have good customer service. I have not tried Ovia’s customer service since I have not had any problems thus far.) I prefer Ovia’s set up for tracking physical activity (you can record what type (walking, yoga, dance, etc.) and there is a very basic nutrition tracker too.

  • Rachel

    My family is coming into town!! They’re flying in tonight, and some of my siblings are coming in tomorrow. We’ll be having a bridal party weekend and we’ll be doing the dresses/suits and just hanging out and planning and having fun. I’m seriously so stoked :D We’re a little over five months out so we’re nailing down some of the final details. It’s crazy how time goes so fast! Happy Friday everyone!

  • Keri

    I decided this week to become an APW commenter. Hello!
    My dress came in this week! I wasn’t expecting it until mid April and now I’m nervous but excited. I’m trying not to be that girl but I’m like, damn kind of wanted to lose like 3 lbs before I tried it on for real. I never actually tried it on for real because they didn’t have it in my size. So I tried on something similar and my maid of honor tried it on for me because she is the best and maybe also should be a wedding dress model. But I’m going to pick it up next week when my mom is visiting anyway, so exciting!

    • another lady

      3 lbs won’t make a difference in trying on a dress – don’t worry about that kinds of crap!

      • Keri

        Ah, I know, I know, you’re right! Bigger and better things to think about!

    • Totch

      Welcome!

    • Jess

      Hello!

      And also, for real, don’t worry about that crap. You are going to be whatever size you are and that really doesn’t matter because you’re going to be beautiful and happy no matter what.

    • If you lose the 3lbs before the wedding, then you’ll have space for 3lbs worth of cake on the day of ;)

    • Lizzie

      Oy, that thing of “here’s what it will look like on you! KIND OF.” is so insane to me! I mean, I understand why it’s the way it is, but damn, can a lady get a solid try-on before purchase? (Answer: nah.)

      But: congrats on getting the dress in!! And, to echo other commenters: eff those 3 lbs. Cross it off the list!

      • eating words

        That is something that I still get all riled up about, months after getting married. We’re supposed to buy the most expensive garment we’ll ever own without actually trying it on? Nuh-uh. I bought mine off the rack at a bridal consignment store, and it was awesome.

        • Lizzie

          I KNOW RIGHT. My timeline is short enough (just looking now, 6 weeks out) that I really can’t even entertain the idea of buying something not off the rack (sidenote, see my post below for the dress I found at Bloomies that makes my heart go aflutter) – but damn, so much respect for people who have their sh*t together enough to make it through that process unscathed. I had to nope out pretty much immediately myself.

  • Totch

    This week I shared some wedding planning details with my sister, who I have a complicated relationship with. She’s told me about certain expectations she has around my wedding in the past (she’d be MoH, general ideas about scope, expecting she’d help plan, etc.) that have more to do with her values than mine. A lot of my wedding anxiety has to do with our relationship.

    So we talked about my wedding a bit and there were some moments of passive aggressiveness and some hidden hurt (that our relationship isn’t one where she’d be my first call). But mainly she was cool. But like, cool to the point that I felt like I was being gasllighted. It felt like she was trying so hard to be chill that she was holding back and rewriting history.

    I’ve been through this with her before. I don’t think either of us are bad people, but we’re really incompatible. I’d like to be closer to her (and I have a lot of guilt over our relationship not meeting her expectations), but I feel like every time I let my guard down I end up regretting it.

    So I’m trying again. And I read her holding back as her also trying. But I feel like I’m just waiting for the chill to wear off/for her to say what she really thinks.

    • Lisa

      I love my middle sister to death, but we are very, very different people. Since she got engaged 6 days after we did, we were both planning our weddings at the same time. We tried to discuss wedding planning early on in the engagement and ended up getting into a huge shouting match so we didn’t talk about it again for about 6 months. When we did, I could tell how carefully we were choosing our words and which opinions to voice to one another, and like you said, the trying really made a difference. We made it all the way to our wedding days like that. I know there are some things we did at our wedding that she wouldn’t have chosen, and I feel similarly about hers. However, we were both able to put aside our differences and be there to emotionally support one another. I hope that you and your sister find a similar (unspoken) compromise!

      • Totch

        Me too! There are definitely things that I want to share, but in the past it’s kind of been all-or-nothing. I’m hoping for both of our sakes that she doesn’t push us to be closer than we are, and that I don’t get stressed and shut her out.

  • Lisa

    Anyone else watch Fuller House yet? The first episode was just horribly awful, but I have a feeling I’m going to stick it out for nostalgia’s sake.

    • Maddie Eisenhart

      Ten minutes, but I audibly groaned when they threw shade at the Olsen Twins. It’s like it’s refusing to be self aware at all? Le sigh. I blame Candace Cameron Bure. And while I’m at it, I also blame Kirk Cameron.

      • Lisa

        Yeah, the first ten minutes were the wooooorst. It was like they had to throw in every punchline from the entire series in there just to make sure you knew that they still remembered them.

        It’s also really awkward and out of place that Stephanie’s catchphrase is still “How rude!” You can tell she’s trying to capture her old inflection, and it feels unnerving to hear this childlike pronouncement coming from a grown woman.

    • April

      Not yet, I’m planning to watch some this weekend. I’m expecting it to be terrible but I’m going there anyways. :/

    • Emily

      I am about halfway through (thanks unemployment) and I felt it got much better after the first couple of episodes. They start focusing more on DJ, Steph and Kimmy’s current lives and less on rehashing the past.

  • emilyg25

    Does anyone here watch Downton Abbey? I’m actually watching it all on time this year instead of downloading it when it played in England. This penultimate episode was sooooo amazing, everything I love about that show in one episode. I cried like a baby. Last episode everrrrr on Sunday!

    • Marcela

      :( I spent most of that episode yelling at the tv. Lady Mary, (to paraphase someone below) How Rude!

      • emilyg25

        Ugh, the worst. Just an icy, icy bitch. I did like the resolution of that though.

    • Mary Jo TC

      I was so happy when Lady Edith was going to outrank Lady Mary, and sooo mad when Lady Mary ruined it. Lady Edith is my favorite, and she was so sweet about taking the high road at the end.

      • emilyg25

        spoiler spoiler spoiler
        *
        *
        *
        But don’t you think Bertie is going to come around? They’re so perfect for each other, and she didn’t really technically accept his proposal.

        • Mary Jo TC

          Yeah, I think he will. She deserves a happy ending, and they won’t not give her one.

          • I’m super nervous that they won’t! It’s killing me!

    • macrain

      Yes, Downton is soooo good! I felt pretty gutted by that last episode! Something about the whole Mary/Edith dynamic just kills me every time. Part of it is I have sisters so I kind of get it. And Barrow! I’m going to need a Barrow happy ending. Do we think he can be a manny for the children? No?

      • Marcela

        Barrow for Manny 2016!

      • emilyg25

        So many feels. I love Baxter and if she and Molesley don’t end up married by the end of this, I’m going to throw my shoe at my computer.

      • Mary Jo TC

        I called what Barrow did. There was a lot of buildup for that. Maybe he will get to stay if Moseley is a teacher now?

    • Lindsay

      Last episode isn’t until next Sunday, March 6th! (Just so you’re not all cozied up this Sunday ready to watch and then disappointed)

  • jo

    Thanks for the goat article comments link. Amazing end to the week.

  • Nell

    Hey APW – does anyone have a recommended reading list for lady-partnered-ladies who are thinking about pregnancy/making a family? I think I’ve got good resources for the technical stuff, I’m thinking more blogs/books/etc about feelings. Actually, if I’m honest, what I’m really looking for is the equivalent of APW for lesbian moms. Can someone please make that?

  • Cellistec (formerly Lizzie)

    Minor vent about buying bridesmaid dresses online. I won’t name names, but the wedding party I’m in is using a particular site for our dresses; nothing custom, just numbered sizes and a thorough size chart, so I thought I could use it and get, you know, a dress that fit. When mine arrived it fit great except…it’s 6 inches too long. On the website’s model it’s knee-length, and on me it’s tea-length, or mid-calf. Wtf, man. I’m 5’4″. I’m not THAT short. I emailed the company and they said “we make them long so you can get it hemmed to your liking!” Great, because thanks to three layers and hella chiffon, that’s going to be $120. *facepalm*

    • jubeee

      Bridesmaid dress shopping is a thorn in my side right now. My friend chose a colored dress of our choice from “big box bridal” except I am going to be hella pregnant during the wedding and there is literally one maternity dress to choose from. I have no idea what to do. They said just order 2-3 sizes up and have it tailored which means my dress will be twice as expensive as everyone elses!

      • Is this something, like, a sash in the same fabric might be able to help accommodate? Maybe it won’t be a great fit, but maybe there’s a dress style that won’t be the worst?

      • ART

        Does it 100% have to be from that big box store, or would a dress in the same color from somewhere else be OK enough? Those convertible dresses seem to come in just about every single color. There are tons of etsy vendors and most sell swatches (or might accept a swatch from you to see if they have a match) – I know that won’t help if it’s a really difficult shade to match or your friend is really set on that line of dresses, but it’s one thought.

  • Going Crazy

    Soo… Wondering if someone who’s been there can tell me if I’m completely crazy for considering this. My fiance and I are getting married in December and planning to start trying to have a family about 12 months later after he’s finished his course. We are in our early 30s so I’m pretty keen to start trying sooner rather than later. But then this week I saw my dream PhD project advertised, which would start in June. I looked it up, and apparently you can take maternity leave from a PhD (I’m in Australia where maternity leave seems to be a lot more generous than the USA).
    Am I totally crazy for thinking I can do these two things at once. I have been wanting to start a family for so long now that i don’t want to wait the extra couple of years to start trying because I’m doing a PhD. But I don’t want to not start something in anticipation of getting pregnant (fingers crossed) in two years time.

    • Every woman in graduate computing science workshop I attended, had at least one [female] professor say that grad school is the best time to have a kid. This is assuming you are going to go into academia, because top tier academia is so busy *any* other time would be a better time to have a kid.

      So. I don’t have a child, but I do have a PhD. And once you get through [whatever] required courses, your schedule is completely flexible. My last two years, I worked entirely from home. So…I’m leaning towards YOU’RE DEFINITELY NOT CRAZY. I have friends who’ve done it, in STEM. It’s doable.

      • Going Crazy

        As a STEM woman (ecology) I really appreciate this advice. Thanks :)

        • Alex

          Ditto for [female] professors telling me to have a kid whilst in grad school! Also not-a-parent but a PhD in STEM. Otherwise if you are planning the tenure track you probably need to wait until you get tenure (which I’d heard and now that I’ve seen folks try to get tenure, I’d agree with their assessment). And since you mentioned keen on starting earlier than later, I’d HIGHLY suggest you stick with plan! Best of luck with everything! :)

    • StevenPortland

      Not crazy at all. I’d rather have the PhD be the complication in life now rather than wait for several years and then have fertility issues be the complication.

      • Totch

        And to that point, if you discover it’s just too much after starting your PhD there are usually options. You can take a year of leave or suspend for a while (or just take an extra year to complete if that’s an option budget-wise). PhD complications can be easier than fertility complications.

        • Going Crazy

          Thank-you both! This is why I love APW <3

    • AGCourtney

      Go for it. Admittedly, my personal experience is with completing undergrad with a child, but honestly, everyone I’ve talked to about grad school says that having a family is definitely doable as programs are usually pretty flexible.

      • Going Crazy

        Thanks, I appreciate it!

      • raccooncity

        +1 to this

        I’m doing grad school full time right now, and I would much rather have kids for grad school than during undergrad. Profs know you and are way more understanding, and there seems to be much more flexibility with time, etc. PLUS the benefits are better. (at least at my school they are).

    • TeaforTwo

      Yep, do it. A PhD is a demanding full-time job, but lots of people have kids while they’re doing demanding full-time jobs. You’ll need childcare and a support network, but so do people who have other demanding full-time jobs. (I guess what I mean is just don’t think of a PhD AS a mat leave, but it sounds like you aren’t thinking of it that way. I’ve come across a surprising number of people who think of mat leave as a sabbatical – as in “all this time that’s off the clock when you can be publishing!” – and it’s definitely not that. But I think as long as you’re realistic about the fact that a PhD is a lot of work and taking care of kids is a lot of work, and the same person doesn’t have to be doing both of things in the same hours of the day, you’ll be fine.)

      And as someone who deferred ambitions in hopes of being pregnant in two years and then emphatically wasn’t pregnant, my advice to anyone is just to go for what’s in front of you and then sort out the rest later.

      • Maybe not so crazy…

        “And as someone who deferred ambitions in hopes of being pregnant in two years and then emphatically wasn’t pregnant, my advice to anyone is just to go for what’s in front of you and then sort out the rest later.”

        Even though we haven’t been trying, I think this is kind of my experience over the past few years. We have known we wanted to get married and have a family basically since the start of our relationship, but life has had a lot of other plans for us in the meantime. Which makes me think I should go ahead and do it. But knowing how much work both a PhD and kids are, and then planning to attempt both as the same, is pretty terrifying. So, thanks for confirming everything that’s going on in my head :) I think I will go send that email to my potential supervisor…!

        • Maybe not so crazy…

          *attempt both at the same time

    • Shawna

      I just had dinner with a friend last night who had both kids while in our grad school program. She found out she was pregnant with her first in the first week of school and got pregnant again two weeks after weaning. It can be done. She has her license now and is a rockin’ mama and practitioner. There is never a “good time” to have kids and academic programs do seem to be the most flexible. I have to figure out how to be running my own practice and start a family in the next couple of years, but thankfully being in a shared office with a bunch of ladies will help.

  • StevenPortland

    Has anyone watched “The Fosters” on Netflix? I’m in the midst of binge watching it. Its about a lesbian couple raising teenagers and I’m now addicted to it. I’m trying to figure it out why it has such a strong appeal for me. I think it must be because of the lesbian parents. And perhaps that explains why I haven’t understood when my straight friends get really attached to certain shows (Scandal, Grey’s Anatomy, etc.). Its been a strange thing to experience for the first time for me.

    • Totch

      I love the Fosters! Every episode feels like a “very special episode” in that teen drama way, but because the premise of the show is that the teens are adopted/foster children/in group homes, the issues they get into feel more relevant and real.

      Also, the parents being full characters with their own plotlines really helps balance it.

      • Seriously! Children AND parents who are both full humans? What a concept! <3

        • Totch

          Seriously though! At some point in Pretty Little Liars you realize that they’ve suspected half of the fathers are predators, and shudder. It’s so much easier to write parents as bogeymen or annoyances when focused on teen drama.

      • Lulu

        They were really losing me for a while, but then there was an episode with a dance off.

    • Lulu

      It is such a delightful mix of real, solid love between the adult partners and treacly, absurd, Lifetime-esque story lines for the kids. Also, belting out the terrible theme song really annoys my husband. I love it.

      • Totch

        Right, but the Lifetime-esque stories for the kids also feel like a higher bar than on other shows! Like, Jude’s storyline isn’t that he’s gay it’s that he’s a kid who likes nail polish and maybe one guy but isn’t ready for a label.

    • Cellistec (formerly Lizzie)

      Ooh, I didn’t realize it was on Netflix now! I’ve always wanted to see it and now I can!

    • Amy March

      Totes addicted.

  • Anon for this

    I had a really shameful experience this weekend. Here is what happened. I was in the security line at the airport worried about catching my flight. The nice lady in front of me let me jump ahead of her in line, saying “oh go ahead dear I can tell you have a baby on board!” I am not pregnant. I immediately felt ugly and horrible. But I had to stand next to this woman for at least 10 more minutes so I lied. I made up this whole story about a due date. It was particularly awful because this is not the first time this has happened. I came home and sobbed to my husband. It makes me want to diet and hide. But really, what I’d like is to feel more positively about my body. Any suggestions on where to start?

    • jubeee

      I remember at times my belly would be particularly bloated and I just wanted to wear a clingy dress and feel ok. Then I would think you know what, I look pregnant and I am totally fine with it. I bet people will think my tummy is adorable! In other words, that was my version of “fuck it” my body is mine, its not perfect but I love it just the same.

    • emmers

      Would you be comfortable trying counseling, if you haven’t? That’s been helpful to me for various things.

    • Kayjayoh

      I imagine that this doesn’t help, but I just have to say that people who comment on perceived pregnancy, uninvited, are boors.

      • Eenie

        You don’t comment on pregnancy of a stranger even if you see the baby crowning.

    • April

      aw boo. I don’t have any advice but wanted to say that this has happened to me and always feels really awkward. :/ you are not alone.

  • Anon for this

    I work with Emily Gilmore, and I don’t know how to handle it.

    On one hand, my coworker, who I casually knew for a long time before we started working together, is a total boss. She is extremely competent, organized, and detail-oriented. I don’t know anyone who works as hard as she does and I have so much respect for her. In a lot of ways, I wish I could be more like her.

    But she is also downright mean (a complete shock to me). She never misses an opportunity to make someone feel bad for making a mistake or needing clarification. For example, her favorite refrain is “I have already explained this to you.” Whenever somebody speaks highly of someone else in the office, she jumps in and explains how that person is actually incompetent. She does this EVERY TIME and I know that because I’m new-ish and, well, not perfect, she has said the same things about me to everyone in the office. It’s at the point where even though I frequently need her help, the idea of going to her makes me feel sick to my stomach. I feel paralyzed and it’s really counter-productive and I hate that she has that power over me.

    BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, “bitches get stuff done” and I wonder if I’m being an anti-feminist baby by resenting her. So far, I have been countering by just being ridiculously positive and/or apologetic in all of my interactions with her and try to deflect by striking up non-work related conversations every now and then (hoping to remind her that I’m someone she liked once upon a time). However, it doesn’t make the “you make me feel small” thing go away. Feminism is hard.

    • StevenPortland

      To me her behavior is horrible and has nothing to do with feminism — so I don’t see how you could be an anti-feminist. That’s not how successful women (or men) “get stuff done” in the world of work.

    • Kayjayoh

      You are not being an anti-feminist baby. She is being a jerk and a poor co-worker.

    • Rose

      Ok, I think the reason that you’re concerned that disliking her is “anti-feminist” is because this is the kind of behavior that often seems to be more tolerated in men than in women, yes? That highly competent men can get away with being not so nice and just get called competent, while women who are much less agressive are viewed much more poorly, reglardless of how good they are at their jobs. Those patterns may be true, but. The fact is, that kind of behavior is bad, regardless of who’s doing it. At the societal level, the problem is that men get away with it, not that women should be doing that kind of thing more. It’s ok to not want to take it from a woman either. She sounds like a very, very stressful co-worker to have, and I’m sorry that you have to deal with her. (She could be getting just as much done and be a lot nicer about it; the two things are not mutually exclusive.)

      • Jess

        I have had male coworkers who do this! And you know what? Everybody thought they sucked too.

        There’s being assertive, as in, “Hey, I see what your goal is here. I also see that your solution is missing key issues X, Y, and Z. Adding design elements A, B, and C would help get you there.” and being aggressive, as in “Wow, I can’t believe you didn’t think of X, Y, and Z. What are you, a complete idiot?!?!?!”

        A lot of women would be called out for being too assertive with the first one, but the last? There’s being a bad-bitch and there’s just being a bitch…

    • emilyg25

      You should read “The No Asshole Rule.” Your coworker is an asshole and whatever good she brings to the organization with her productivity, she undermines with her nastiness. She probably demoralizes people and may cost your organization talent. This has nothing to do with feminism.

    • Danielle

      I also work with this person. Solidarity.

  • Charley

    I paid off the balance of my student loans this week! I graduated college almost nine years ago and I’m so thankful to be done with the loans. Also very thankful that my boyfriend has picked up the lion’s share of the home expenses for the past few months, which is the main reason I’ve been able to finish paying the loan off. And then I registered with the UK tax office this week to start paying estimated taxes as a self-employed person. I get so many grown up points this week!

    • Totch

      Congrats! I’m 3 years into repayment, so to me you’re just living the dream right now!

    • Rose

      I paid mine off today! In my case, that was only possible because my inlaws offered to pay a huge amount of it (I still can’t believe how generous they are)–but I did still make the final payment. Doesn’t it feel great? It’s so nice not to have them hanging around any more.

    • BSM

      Ahhhh, I can’t wait for this!!! We are planning to pay mine off with our tax refund, which should be here any day now. CONGRATS!

    • Cellistec (formerly Lizzie)

      Man, that’s the dream. I think I have like 3 years left on my student loans. Congratulations!

    • Congrats! That’s not a milestone I’m at yet, but i can’t wait until I hit it.

    • Lisa

      Congratulations!! That is a huge deal!

  • April

    So 4 months out from the wedding, we just got the news from our landlords yesterday that they will be taking over our sweet and we’ll have to move in two months.

    Apartment hunting in Vancouver is like a giant popularity contest and is pretty terrible when you WANT to move, never mind when you were perfectly content where you were. We’ve been thinking about getting out of the city for a while now and were planning on doing that sometime in the next year… but the next two months is too soon for us.

    Kind of wish we could leave the city now. The rents here are crazy and the vacancy rate is so low… It’s becoming a pretty unpleasant city to live in (for me).

    • Totch

      Solidarity. Vancouver is hard and the culture around renting sucks. The popularity contest aspect is also so skewed towards first-come-first-served, which feels particularly messed up when it’s like “I have an awesome salaried job that makes me a stable renter, so no I cannot just pop in to look at the place at 2 on a Wednesday.”

      • April

        The last time we went looking we ended up at several open houses that were FILLED with people and had probably 10 – 20 people filling out applications.

        Hopefully we’ll luck out.

        • Totch

          Hopefully! I’m rooting for you. We lucked into a place we love and can afford, but it’s pretty far out from Vancouver proper.

          • April

            Thanks! I’m thinking we might end up moving out of Van proper too, there are some nice places when you get further out!

          • Totch

            There are! You’ll find something great.

  • Bsquillo

    So one of the perks of having a job with a decent salary is that you can spontaneously book a vacation to Moab that’s happening in less than two weeks! I had gotten the travel itch bad, and realized that I had *just* enough vacation days to take a 4 day trip over my husband’s spring break. Moab is about a 6 hour drive from us, and neither of us have ever been to Utah, so we booked a B&B last night and are crossing our fingers that the drive through the Colorado mountains on 1-70 is clear in two weeks! EEEEEEE can’t wait to geek out at national parks and rocks and arches.

    • Sounds fun! I love our national parks. You do any backpacking? ‘Get to see the parks from a whole new angle…at night…deserted…

      • Bsquillo

        Haven’t done any backpacking yet, but would love to in the future. I actually haven’t been “for real” camping ever…I keep saying that I’d love to go, but with some folks who actually have some camping experience and skills. Convincing my husband is a little trickier- he is definitely an indoor plumbing enthusiast, haha.

        • Yeah, start off car camping with some friends. Get air mattresses. It’s fun.

          Backpacking can be painful, but the experiences it produces are truly awesome. Especially for some of the overcrowded National Parks (i.e., Yosemite and Yellowstone). Like…we set up a tent across the valley from Half Dome and were the only people around for miles: http://byov.blogspot.com/2011/09/northern-california-trip-yosemite.html

          That stuff is crazy special and worth a bit of discomfort to achieve ;)

        • eating words

          You could even start with staying in a cabin, the kind where you cook outdoors but have a roof, bed, and indoor plumbing. Then graduate to car camping at a place with running water and facilities, and then go from there.

    • Emily

      Moab is awesome! Have a great time.

  • Couple of weeks ago I talked about the new wellness program I started attending, and how I’m shoving my accomplishments on the back burner because of imposter syndrome and years of low self-esteem due to the stigma of having a diagnosis. And that’s… still going on. Which is hard for me to admit, because I’m supposed to be making progress before I tell people what’s happening in my life, right? I mean, I keep putting off taking a selfie and posting it on IG/FB because I want my skin to clear up and get the perfect makeup. Nothing about me is good enough RIGHT NOW, so I keep waiting to start things. It’s a helluva cycle.

    On the bright side, our Valentine’s gift to one another was a baby bearded dragon. Having grown up with early 90’s television, of course his name is Reptar.

    A while back we had discussed career paths, and people keep mentioning to me CPS (Certified Peer Specialist) and CPRP (Certified Psychiatric Rehabilitation Practitioner). They’re in line with the pastoral counseling I mentioned being interested in, and it’s similar to certain social work/therapy positions. The difference is it’s not a degree that requires expensive schooling, but instead a certification that hones in on your personal experience in treatment/recovery and your ability to relate that experience to others going through the same thing. So that’s something I’m looking into. If anyone knows anything about that, please comment!

    • raccooncity

      Check out your jurisdiction and if anything you’re interested in doing is a protected medical act – some places list some kinds of therapy as only being able to be practiced by people in specific professions. You might have to ask to see if anything like that exists, and whether it matters on the ground in the real world or not.

      In Ontario, Canada, where I live depending on what kind of things you wanted to end up doing (working at most mental health orgs, hospitals, some kinds of private practice, etc.), you wouldn’t end up with the right qualifications with JUST that certificate, although in combination with other stuff it might be. However, I know in other provinces that kind of certificate would get lots of the same jobs, so it varies.

      Most importantly, make sure you ask people who work in your dream roles what education they have, and NOT JUST THE COLLEGE. Colleges all say their programs will get you whatever job you mention.

      • I’ve done enough research that I know that in this case, these are just certifications that don’t require a Bachelor’s. The CPRP info can be found here: http://www.psychrehabassociation.org/certification/cprp-certification,
        and the CPS info can be found here: http://transformation-center.org/home/training/certified-peer-specialists/.
        The mental health recovery movement in the United States is more a wellness program/non-profit based and while supported by the medical community is not a treatment plan or medical treatment. Again, I don’t know what it’s like in Canada, but I know my mother has a certification to be a teacher in an infant program at a daycare. She has never gone to college but took a couple of classes to get a certification that basically says she recognizes developmental milestones and can monitor kids to make sure they’re meeting them, and if they’re not, she can refer them to specialists who can monitor them and diagnose them if necessary when they’re older. So it’s… kind of similar to that (don’t know if that explanation helps or not).

        So, back to the certifications… the point of the CPS certification is basically that you have gone through recovery and can provide support through empathy and first hand knowledge rather than a neurotypical person who has a degree telling you things based off of what they learned in a textbook. The CPRP certification can be held by a variety of different folx, including neurotypical people who have degrees and more technical knowledge, all the way to people with a mental health concern who have a GED and want to help with their first-hand knowledge. CPRP certification supports the mental health recovery movement, but as I said, since recovery is more wellness and less treatment, it requires a different type of schooling and a different type of thought process than traditional psychotherapy. (For example, I had a therapist tell me once that I was too high-functioning for Clubhouse services and she very heavily implied that people who attended Clubhouses were “stupid” and “damaged”. Not every trained therapist knows enough about the movement or thinks it is worthwhile). It’s definitely a very interesting certification, and an interesting movement in general.

  • You guys. I *just* booked our photographer. This has been a painful 2 month process, involving plenty of tears and lots of back-and-forth communication with the other side of the planet (i.e., business trips). But it’s done. Now all that remains is the DJ, and I care so much less about that!

  • Shawna

    I passed the mock board exam! By more than I thought I was going to! And I’ve already taken another mock (take home vs exam-like conditions) and passed that one too! It might be a reality to have all the sunshine come out this year. The wedding is two and a half months after the test…

    Plus today, fiancé got the job offer we’ve been waiting for. He’ll no longer have to commute for hours in the car. New job is about 15 minutes from home. So so excited for the improvement in his quality of life and the respect at work that he deserves.

  • Emily

    I’m way late, and hopefully I’ll post this again next week. I’m really wanting to take a class that gives me grounding / foundations / a structure to think about (and explain to other people, mostly young men) feminism and related social issues. I have two universities nearby or could take something online. What am I looking for? An introductory women’s studies class? An introduction to sociology? Does anyone have a suggestion?

    • Cdn icecube

      I wouldn’t go with an introductory to sociology. You’ll likely get more information about sociology in general (i.e. the many different areas that make up sociology) rather than something specific and in-depth about feminism. An intro to women’s (or gender) studies would probably give you a more successful starting point but you run the risk of it being more practical or theoretically based than what you’d like. I’d suggest doing some online research instead. Just my $0.02

      • Emily

        Thanks!

    • Danielle

      Maybe some books or start a book club with any other like-minded ladies/cool peeps? I like Angela Davis and bell hooks for starters… there are probably some internet resources for “top feminism 101 books.”

      Actually, just found one: http://www.autostraddle.com/feminist-reading-43637/

      • Emily

        Thanks for the input–I’ll check out this link. I do read a lot. I’m feeling a need for some kind of organization in my mind; some major principles or something that I can use when talking with men about this stuff. Right now my conversations are all over the board…

        • Emily

          I really like that book list! Thank you!

        • Danielle

          Maybe a women’s studies class would be good then! You could check around at the local universities and ask the departments if you can email current or past students to get feedback about the professors. I found in college and grad school that the professors made a big difference in how meaningful the work was! Good luck :)

  • Mary Smith

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  • Heather

    I usually have something more substantial to contribute but I just wanted to say how fabulous the three of you look in that photo! Love the outfits-gorgeous and strong.

    Have a good weekend !

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