APW Happy Hour


BUT WHY.

by Stephanie Kaloi, Content Manager

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Hey APW,

It’s a bummer that Happy Hours keep bringing the hits, I know, but in this week’s edition of “OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE WE DONE” lookie here: the UK is leaving the EU (but it looks like plenty of people didn’t even know what they were voting on in the first place, so…)! Because that sounds like a totally great idea! Except it doesn’t, because now scores of people—including those who graduated college a month ago and thought they were entering into an exciting, open new world—can’t travel or work in 27 countries! When 75 percent of those ages 18-24, 56 percent of those 25-49, 44 percent of those 50-64, and 39 percent of those 65 and older voted to remain, it’s a little hard not to be super pissed that older generations are making decisions that my contemporaries and our children will have to live with for decades (because you’re fooling yourself if you think this only impacts the UK). GO YOU GUYS, GO! YOU’RE SO BRAVE XENOPHOBIC. Just look at that global economy tumble.

And meanwhile, the man who allegedly represents half of America isn’t totally sure what Scotland actually voted for in the first place, so… clearly we don’t have it together, either.

I don’t know, APW. What do you want to talk about? Let’s talk about that.

Peace,

Stephanie

Link round-up

Weigh in: “The Costs and Benefits of Higher Education.”

This is my actual life: Millennials are obsessed with side hustles because they’re all we’ve got.

See Jane Go is a new women-only ride-hailing app available on the West Coast. Check it out.

Do women deserve tax breaks on makeup?

Elizabeth Banks was considered too old to play Tobey Maguire’s girlfriend in 2002… even though they’re eighteen months apart in age.

And this week in hilarious Internet conspiracy theories: Gucci Mane is probably, totally a clone.

Stephanie Kaloi

Stephanie is a photographer, writer, and Ravenclaw living in California with her husband, their seven year old metalhead son, and a crew of beasts. She is super into reading, road trips, and adopting animals on a whim. Forewarning: all correspondence will probably include a lot of punctuation and smiley faces.

Staff Picks

[Read comment policy before commenting]

  • Katherine

    Haven’t had time to chime in the past few weeks due to bar study, but I wanted to pop in to say that my bachelorette party was fantastic! My bridesmaids made it pokemon-themed and dressed in costume and required me to do certain tasks throughout the night to earn some very legit homemade badges. This weekend, we’re driving home for our shower. Here’s hoping I can manage to do practice essays in the car while my fiance drives…

    • Lisa

      That sounds like such a fun party! I’m not even into Pokemon and think I would enjoy something like that.

    • E.

      That is so awesome.

      • Katherine

        The best part of it was we met three hardcore pokemon nerds at the karaoke bar who became obsessed with earning badges, so much so that my maid of honor talked them into being her backup dancers when she sang “Baby Got Back.”

        • touchdownton abbey

          AWESOME.

    • Jessica

      That’s amazing

  • Anonymous

    My husband and I had a big talk this week about having kids. We’ve always talked about wanting them, and we’re in a stable position now home- and job-wise, so I expected us to start trying this year. But I realized I’m having major anxiety about it, specifically because I’m afraid that I’m going to have a kid like my brother, who was unstable for a lot of my childhood. I love kids and have always wanted to have kids, but I’m seriously stressing at the idea that my home could be full of the fights and aggression from my childhood. Anyone else with unstable siblings/family members–were you similarly worried about having kids? And any suggestions about how to deal with this anxiety?

    • emilyg25

      I have an unstable self! I was very mentally unstable from like age 12-22. And I have tons of bad family history. But I reproduced anyway. I figured that I know the warning signs and I’m better prepared to deal with it than your average bear because of my personal experience. When you have a kid, there are so, so many things that can go wrong. It’s terrifying. But eventually, it just becomes too much to fathom and you figure out how to carry on anyway.

      • Anonymous

        Very good point on knowing the warning signs early on and how that can actually be a help in preventing future problems. And it’s true–you never know what will happen with kids. So much is out of your control already, and you have to figure it out as you go.

    • Danielle

      Yes and yes! I have no real advice, but know that it’s normal to go back and forth on this, and all sorts of women (even those without troubled family members) are ambivalent about having kids, even while planning to get pregnant, actually pregnant, and while mothers :)

      It’s a huge life choice and understandable that most of us will have mixed thoughts and concerns. In fact, it would be wierd if we didn’t.

      FYI I struggle with anxiety and this is advice I got from my pre-natal psychiatrist yesterday! If it would help, consider getting counseling from a specialist on this issue.

      • Anonymous

        Thank you for the supportive comments–it’s nice to know that I’m not the only person in the world stressing about having kids. It seems like I see a new “we’re pregnant!” post every day on FB, so all I could think is that everyone was super enthusiastic about having babies, while I’m having panic attacks.

        And I had no idea there was such a thing as a pre-natal psychiatrist! I’ve been thinking about getting therapy for a while, and it seems like this might be the perfect time to do it.

        • Danielle

          You’re welcome! I heard a great quote recently: don’t compare your real life to other people’s heavily edited lives (or something like that). FB doesn’t represent most people’s reality.

          I go to a psychiatrist to get medicine; you might not need that. But I found my lady through searching the bios of available doctors at the local psych hospital. If you are looking for mental health professionals in your region, maybe try including the term “prenatal” or “pregnancy” in your search, or call providers and ask if they have experience working with anxiety and/or pregnant women.

          Good luck! I find therapy so helpful for managing my anxiety <3

        • JR

          I think ambivalence is so normal. I’m midway through my second (very planned, both times) pregnancy. With both positive pregnancy tests, I felt a little bad about not having an uncomplicated sheer joy reaction, like you see in the movies – both times I was a little freaked out, even though it was what we wanted. When we decided to start trying the first time, we basically got to the point where we both knew we wanted kids, weren’t waiting for anything in particular, and yet didn’t feel comfortable just jumping in with both feet. So we set a date to start trying that was about six months in the future (mostly an arbitrary, round-number-on-the-calendar type date, adjusted slightly to account for a fun trip). And then when we got there, we still didn’t feel like, “Yes, we’re ready to have babies now!!” but we were ready to start trying.

          It’s a major life change. Even without the specific worry you’re outlining, it’s big and scary and much more irreversible than most other major life changes you’ve contemplated to date, and that’s a big deal. It has helped me to recognize that this is the kind of decision-maker I am, in life in general – I rarely feel totally sure about big decisions, and I mull them over and worry about them and wonder about the alternative paths, even when they are much less complicated and even when I’m really happy about the leading option.

          It’s even possible that this worry about your brother is at least partly your brain grabbing onto something concrete and linking all of your becoming-a-parent-is-scary energy to it. I don’t at all mean to undermine that particular worry, but it might be worth exploring exploring whether all of the anxiety is about that, especially since it’s a relatively new realization. Either way, I think talking to someone with some expertise in this area could be really helpful. Anyway, I think this is all really, really normal.

          • Anonymous

            Hearing that even without specific sibling worries, people don’t always have the big overjoyed reaction or baby fever is super helpful. I think I’m much more like that–I’ll be ready to start trying (hopefully after some help with a good therapist) but not all rainbows-and-butterflies happy.

    • JR

      Is your concern that your kids will be more likely to have such challenges because your brother did (e.g., that something hereditary is going on), or more that it’s hard to imagine an experience that is different from what you had? If it’s the former, would it help to talk to your doctor (or someone with the right medical expertise) about your brother’s situation, to find out whether it’s heritable (if you don’t know already) and how much the presence of those issues in your brother increases the likelihood of similar issues in your kids? If it’s the latter, that sounds like a situation that a therapist could really help you work through (if you feel that it’s keeping you from doing something you really want to do – obviously different if this is just helping you to realize that maybe you don’t actually want kids after all). If it is the latter, I’d also encourage you to really believe that, with the right support, you can raise your kids differently than you were raised/create a different kind of home environment than you grew up in.

      • Anonymous

        I think a little bit of both–and honestly, my mom suggested I get in touch with a therapist a little while back, because I never talked about the stress of growing up with my brother. And thank you for the general encouragement as well. Even though there are so many things I hate about my brother’s behavior, I don’t hate him as a person, and it’s good to remember that I can take what I know about someone like him and (hopefully) get any future kids any support they may need early on.

        • Emily

          There’s a good book called “The Normal One” about the siblings of people with disabilities/behvaior troubles. I recommend it.

        • Emily

          There is a book called “The Normal One” about the siblings of people with disabilities/behavioral issues. I recommend it; it was enlightening to me (also a “Normal One” in this sense, at least).

          • Anonymous

            Oh my gosh, I 100% need this. Thanks for the recommendation!

        • anon as well

          I think your mom is spot on with the advice about seeing a therapist to sort out your feelings around growing up with your brother. My brother has bipolar disorder that began when we were children and we went through some really hard times at very young ages. When we were older and he showed signs of possibly developing addiction issues as well I was in college and I had huge amounts of anxiety about him and his future, and like you (even though at that time I wasn’t thinking about having kids anytime soon) I had a lot of anxiety about having kids of my own in case they turned out to have the same problems. Part of it, I think, is about fear of reliving those stressful childhood experiences. I did go see a therapist about it and started working through my anxiety about my brother, and I found that part of the therapy was working through my own traumatic childhood that resulted from my brother’s disorder, and part was getting some tools for dealing with him in the present (we did a lot of mindfulness work). It helped so much. And I am now thinking about having kids of my own but this isn’t a huge source of anxiety for me anymore – or at least, it wouldn’t keep me from having kids.

          • Anonymous

            That makes me feel a lot better. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with your brother and with therapy. (hugs)

    • Sparkles

      My good friend has a nephew who sounds like he’s a sociopath, or something like it (undiagnosed), and she’s terrified that her spirited second child is going to turn out like him. Like really really scared. I think if you’re aware of the possibility that these issues might arise, that you come up with a contingency plan about how to deal with it. And you treat it before it becomes a huge issue, figure out what steps you need to take and be prepared to take them.

      I also think it might be helpful to talk your concerns through with someone who you trust who knows you and the situation you grew up in. Sometimes, parents don’t see issues as they arise because they love their kids too much to see a problem. Telling someone you trust that you want their input if things start to go awry might help ease some of that tension.

      • Anonymous

        A contingency plan and trusted support sounds like a really good idea. I know parenting a kid like my brother can be extremely difficult, and hindsight is 20/20, but I feel like my parents did a lot of enabling. Having a parenting plan in place for tough circumstances would at least be a start.

    • Antonia

      My husband and I have a daughter and I have some serious worries over potential future addiction issues. My sister, despite coming from a working-class yet privileged background (stable home life, supportive parents, access to a decent education) totally went off the rails with alcohol and drugs in her 20s. The mid-size city my husband and I now live in has one of the biggest drug problems in America. I think about the heroin epidemic and I want to lock my daughter up and throw away the key.

      Unfortunately I don’t have any real suggestions for how to deal with this anxiety, but I can’t think of a single family I know who doesn’t have *some*thing they worry about passing on to their children — alcoholism, depression/anxiety, a genetic predisposition to cancer or other illnesses… The list goes on…

      Just know you’re not alone and the fact you’re worrying about it now bodes well, as you’ll be on the lookout warning signs.

      • Anonymous

        Thank you for the sympathy; it does help to know that I’m not the only person worried about stuff like this. Sending you and your family major hugs.

  • Sara

    Guys I got Hamilton tickets! They went on sale in Chicago this week, and I managed to snag a set for a girls weekend in January (where all the girls involved were on their phones/computers at once) and a set for my mother as a combined belated mother’s day/birthday/partial christmas gift. I’m so excited! I know I got extremely lucky because two of my friends weren’t able to get online at all for the sale since Ticketmaster kept crashing. Now to work some overtime to pay off those tickets….
    On a related note – its been weird talking to a few people who have no idea what Hamilton is. There’s a weird assumption that people know what you know in pop culture and it’s always a little surprising when someone blankly stares at you when you’re gushing.

    • Rebekah Abeja

      WHAT congratulations! So effing exciting. And I get the problem with people not knowing what Hamilton is, literally none of my coworkers are familiar, and I’ve brought it up with every single one of them.

      • Sara

        It’s so weird right!? At the studio I teach at, I said something to the girls about getting tickets and like three of the teachers didn’t know what I was talking about and a fourth said she only heard about it because of a friend’s post about tickets on Facebook. Then she asked me to clarify that we were talking about Alexander Hamilton of the $10 bill fame when I explained the premise. Ha!

        • Amy March

          I mean, it’s a show that currently can only been seen in one city, with exorbitantly expensive tickets that are extremely difficult to get. I think the weird thing is that so many people do know about it!

          • Sara

            I know you’re right, but its on all the talk shows I listen to too! But again, its a weird “oh, you didn’t know that?” feeling. I also felt that way when I found out Anton Yelchin died this week. I was really sad about it and I knew people wouldn’t know the movies I do, but I figured my friends knew Star Trek and would get the reference – turns out, many of them did not!
            I’m aware I live in bubble that needs to be popped every once in a while.

          • Kayjayoh

            The soundtrack helped. A lot. I kept hearing about it on The Toast before that, and couldn’t understand what everyone was on about. And then the soundtrack came out, and wooooah.

    • Jessica

      So jealous. My friend tried to get them for us, but Ticketmaster was a butt and timed her out after saying the processing would take ~45 minutes.

      • Jessica

        Also, CONGRATS!

      • AGCourtney

        Pro-tip for when they release the next batch of tickets: call Ticketmaster’s automated phone line. We had the same thing happen to us, I tried the phone line at about 11:40, and though the first date was sold out, the second date I tried? BOOM – tickets. The prompts were a bit of a pain, but you’re not at the mercy of a crashing website!

        • Jessica

          Thanks! We’ll definitely give that a shot (ba-dum-tsing), and probably have more people trying for tickets. The other problem is that she was trying to buy 6 tickets all at once, which is a tall order.

          • AGCourtney

            Yeah, definitely. My husband and I had it all planned out: he was on his tablet and I was on the computer, we’d picked a date and had it on the webpage, we’d made/updated our ticketmaster accounts and were logged in, he was trying right mezzanine and I was trying left…and after several errors and crashing, my husband’s “verifying tickets” made it all the way through the wait time to “finalizing purchase” before crashing. THAT was disappointing. More people would probably help!

            I ended up doing two sets of 3 – we won’t all be next to each other, but I figure we’re at least all there!

    • E.

      Amazing! I was lucky enough to be gifted tickets from my fiance’s parents and it was so much more amazing than I could have ever imagined. I also might be listening to the soundtrack at the moment…

    • Lisa

      Congratulations! I sincerely thought about buying Hamilton tickets in Chicago just because I want to see it and have places where I can stay, but I couldn’t get myself to justify it right now. I think they only sold through March 2017 so maybe I’ll keep an eye out for April/May tickets to celebrate my husband’s graduation.

      • Sara

        If I didn’t have the girls weekend deal with my friends, then I likely would have waited for it to get extended. Tickets are always easier to get after the first run :)

      • AGCourtney

        Yeah, the run is much longer than through March 2017, they just only released through then because economics, supply/demand, all that. I mentioned this to someone above, but I’ll mention it here, too: if you do try to get tickets in the next batch, try Ticketmaster’s automated phone line instead of the website – the prompts are a bit of a hassle, but there’s no frustrating crashing!

        • Lisa

          I know some people who even went to Ticketmaster’s physical office in Chicago. Definitely no crashing there!

        • rg223

          They timed the ticket release with the Tonys. They could have been selling that block way earlier.

    • MC

      OMG congrats!! We just saw that the show is coming to Denver next year (closest big city to us) so we’re crossing fingers & saving up for when those tickets are on sale.

    • Lulu

      Me toooooooooooo! So excited.

    • Congrats! I tried and tried, but Ticketmaster kept crashing. It gave errors and dumped me out of three different sets of seats, so I had no luck for a November show. At the end of the day there were still seats open for the days I wanted, but I’m not flying to up Chicago (or New York for that matter) to sit behind a pole.

      Though, that’s because I know the National Tour is coming around to the Fox in Atlanta, so I’m sure I’m going to see it somewhere, somehow, within the next two years. If I’m gonna spend the money, I’m gonna get a decent seat.

  • E.

    It’s my first happy hour since summer started! Being a teacher is awesome, ya’ll. I’ve also been diving into wedding planning to get as much as possible done before school starts again and I just have to say I am SO happy we decided to do it in my hometown, Orcas Island. There are a ton of weddings on Orcas so we have to move fast, but what I realized last night is that no matter which venue or caterer we choose, there will be a special connection and I’ll be working with (and giving money to!) people who have known me or my family for years.

    • Katherine

      I’m very jealous that Orcas Island is your hometown – it’s so beautiful. The teacher life is pretty great. Future SIL is a teacher and is taking an extended vacation to visit her friend in Wales this summer, so I’m looking forward to getting the Welsh perspective on this Brexit fiasco when she returns.

      • E.

        It was an amazing place to grow up :)

        I’m actually leaving in a week to go to Ireland and Iceland and I’m very interested in what people are going to say about it. At least the dollar will be stronger for our trip? :/

  • HannahESmith

    Hi all. I’m back in the US after backpacking around Asia for 7 months. It was a really cool experience (and I was so fortunate to get to go), but coming back is weird. I also just turned 30 two days ago, so that is also weird. And I’m unemployed for the first time in my life since high school. The good news is, I’m baking all the things I missed while I was away.

    • Jess

      Welcome home!

    • rg223

      Oh my gosh, I remember you and your trip! Welcome back, I’m still very jealous!

    • And happy birthday! I’ve really enjoyed my 30s. :)

  • Rebekah Abeja

    This weekend my husband and I are making a 4 hour drive to visit my dad and sister who are in town, and to pick up my other sister to spend a week with me while I finish out my summer break. Unfortunately we’re in an argument right now and it’s totally bumming me out for the drive. We usually love driving together, but we’ve made this trip once while we were fighting and it was so disappointing. Here’s hoping we can get it back together in the next 6 hours!

    • Olive

      My husband and I make the 4 hour drive together a lot, so I can empathize with how unsettling it can be when we’re unhappy with each other. Long drives usually allow us to fester a bit, and then we eventually talk it out. Hope it’s not too severe of an argument to be discussed in the car (or that it gets resolved before you leave)!

      • Rebekah Abeja

        That does tend to be the positive about this drive! Whether it’s a fun conversation or resolving an argument it almost always results in deep discussion. Plus, I’m super excited to see my sisters and best friend and my dad and everyone else I love there :) I really shouldn’t let anything get me down, I’m going to have fun this weekend.

    • Sarah

      If it’s a were not taking to each other argument audio books may be good.

    • raccooncity

      If there’s one thing I’ve found it’s that car rides make arguments happen, but by the same token they also speed up the getting-over-it process. So here’s hoping something happens to break the tension?

  • touchdownton abbey

    Guys- Checking in with a wedding update:

    First of all, we got our engagement pictures done last Saturday and OH MY GOSH it was so much fun! I don’t know why I was nervous at all.
    Today though, my future spouse met with my parents and the wedding planner at the venue to discuss plans etc while I worked/sent him Nacho Libre GIFs. I’m so thankful that he has taken such a big portion of this to plan.

    Also, I’m so sad that the world in general seems to be falling apart. Today’s news, coupled with all the news in general from the past several months is heartbreaking.

    • Jess

      YAY! I’m glad your pictures went great! It seems pretty normal to be nervous, but then end up having fun.

      Also Hooray for involved future spouses.

  • Kalë

    Happy News for Happy Hour Thread! I really enjoyed focusing on the positive last week, so what is a positive thing or some happy news from your week?

    Mine is, my roommate from study abroad is getting married on New Years Eve… in Italy! She met a guy while studying abroad (!!!) and has moved to Italy, gone to grad school, gotten engaged, and has now finally set a date! I’m so beyond excited, and since she isn’t very crafty (and a lot of the same crafty-type stuff we have here isn’t available over there), she’s asked me to help with a few projects. Yay!

    • touchdownton abbey

      Congrats to your friend! That’s so exciting!

    • Eenie

      I passed my fundamentals of engineering exam (two years out of school)! Six hour exam covering everything I learned in undergrad…

      • nsmmb

        CONGRATS ON THIS! I know too many people who waited and then just didn’t end up taking it. You’re awesome!!!

        • Eenie

          THANK YOU! I wish I had just taken it two years ago (dumb dumb penny strapped past self), but I studied my ass off and am so happy I passed it :)

          • Alex

            Ahhhh I’m putting off taking that currently but really should. Congrats!

          • Eenie

            I can highly recommend the PPI2pass and the review book by Lindeburg. I used the site for my study plan and only used the review book (took no practice tests or problems except for the book). And actually, if you are taking civil I have the book to sell still.

          • Alex

            Thanks! I’m taking the general – PE will be metallurgical which is going to be super fun since I’m more a polymers person/ceramicist than metallurgist but such is the life of a materials science person :)

          • emmers

            Yay!!!!! If/when you end up doing the PE, my husband is also civil, and he just passed his using an online review course from NC State- basically a bunch of discipline-specific videos, and problem sets in the videos.

      • Kalë

        YAY! Congrats – that’s huge!

      • sage

        Congrats! That exam is so difficult even taking it right out of school, I can’t imagine going back to study everything 2 years out! That’s super impressive!!

    • Lisa

      My mom is coming into town this weekend for some hang out time just the two of us. I’m looking forward to (hopefully) going on a big hike tomorrow morning with her, followed by a movie marathon and junk food at home.

    • E.

      Congrats to your friend! I’m enjoying lots of positive things this week as it’s the first week of summer vacation :) Some include cooking, organizing the apartment, listening to the trilogy Colors of Madeleine (which I highly recommend) and getting ready for my first real vacation/first international trip in a week! Also tons of texts and calls with my moms who have jumped right into helping us wedding plan since we’re so far away.

    • MC

      My BFF gets married tomorrow! And I’m the MOH! And we are in Washington and have amazing fresh cherries.

      • Kalë

        So exciting! Positive vibes for a great, fun wedding

      • JC

        Yay, have so much fun! We’ll be up in Washington next week!

      • CP2011

        I recently bought some Rainier cherries and they are SO GOOD. Most get more.

    • .H.

      I got asked to teach a social work class at a state university nearby! I’m not sure I’m going to take it because I’m only 6 months into being the director of a new nonprofit, but it feels good to have been asked, and I’m trying to celebrate that and remember that if I say no, I can probably do it in the future.

    • Kaitlyn

      I get to spend the day in Newport, RI tomorrow. It’s one of my favorite places and this is the only time we can sneak down there so I’m pumped (especially since the weather will be gorgeous and I’ll get to wear a floppy hat!).

      • Alex

        I’m on the train from Boston to NYC and the CT shoreline looks amaaaaazing so im sure Newport will be perfect!! (And I’m jealous of your floppy hat – I’m on the hunt for a perfect one!)

        • Amy March

          That is such a pretty train ride! And if you, or anyone else, is looking for an amazing floppy hat I highly recommend Sol a Mer. Designed and made in NYC, waterproof, packable, SPF 50, stay on pretty well in wind. http://solamer.com/

          • Alex

            Agreed, I love that train ride :) why people fly from LGA or JFK to BOS blows my mind. Wind, waterproof and pack able were on my list of needs so thanks for the suggestion!

          • Olive

            Those are gorgeous hats! Thanks for sharing!

          • Leah

            You just caused me to buy the most expensive hat of my life. The wind will be the test, it’ll stink if it sends it in to the Atlantic. But I was looking for one and these look great, and a personal recommendation from a discerning person is always my favorite rec!

          • Now I am daydreaming about hats!

        • Kaitlyn

          I’ve never taken the train, but I’ve always been tempted. We live right outside Boston (Quincy) and I’m originally from CT and i loveeee the CT shoreline. If you ever get a chance to meander through it, Old Saybrook is my favorite town with Madison as a close second.

          Also, I got my floppy hat from Target last year. It suits my big head well :)

          • Alex

            Hehe I actually haven’t walked along the CT shoreline and only seen it via train! If you ever wind up going into NYC definitely take the train! Amtrak has sales for their regional train (which stops in Old Saybrook ;) ) once a quarter with $30 one-way tickets, and then you don’t have to worry about parking/driving in the city (or finding your way from JFK/LGA)

    • After several delays, we finally closed on our house! Movers came today, so at 37 weeks pregnant, I can finally start nesting! Or at least get the baby stuff semi-organized before she arrives. And any remaining buyer’s remorse on my husband’s part over whether we should have rented instead will be gone now because it turns out that it was an excellent time to pull money out of the stock market for a down payment. (Also: New Years Eve wedding in Italy? Hot damn!)

    • Alice

      I got my schedule of final year vet school rotations, and I got my first choices! The most exciting rotation will be a month in Morocco at a clinic which cares for working equines, and it should be a really amazing experience. Also, hubby and I decided we’re going to save up for a road trip from Glasgow through France and Italy with our dog, sometime before I graduate in 2018, so that’s a big thing to look forward to.

    • AGCourtney

      I’m sure I already sound like a broken record, but we got Hamilton tickets for the Chicago production! We’ve been jumping up and down for days.

    • Laura C

      My ongoing great thing is the amazing part-time nanny I hired. I work from home, so she comes in 4 hours a day, which meant that the hiring process was not stressful on the “I’m leaving my baby alone with this person” level because I can hear whatever goes on (small two-bedroom apartment), but I needed someone who was not going to interrupt me five times a day. So hiring an 18-year-old felt potentially risky but I had a good feeling about her and it has paid off. She never asks me for anything unless the baby is hungry after he finishes the amount of milk I’ve left them, and he LOVES her. My parents stopped by the other day and my mom commented on how his eyes follow her. Also she tries stuff I wouldn’t necessarily, like I didn’t realize he’d be ready to enjoy the leopard toy in the picture until she gave it to him.

      • Sparkles

        This is amazing. I’m a SAHM, but my son has a grandma-friend (basically just a lady who’s old enough to be his grandma) who watches him one morning a week. They chill out together, I get to run around without the kid, and when I see him again, we’re both all refreshed and ready to love each other again.

        It’s so great to see your little one connect with a new person.

      • TeaforTwo

        Is this the first time we’ve seen your baby? He is gorgeous! That hair! That smile!

        • Laura C

          Thanks! Yeah, probably the first time. He’s super smiley lately.

          • Leah

            What a cute, happy guy! Thanks for the photo – I knew you were a few months ahead of me in this process, and it’s so exciting to see what’s on the other side!

      • Lisa

        Your little guy is so adorable!! That smile!

      • stephanie

        I love this! I keep trying to get a childcare co-op going with a few friends but it never pans out.. I think this is in our future.

    • Sparkles

      I got so many strawberries at the farmer’s market this week! Canning 2016 is about to commence. So excited for strawberry jam. And I’m going to make strawberry shortcakes for dessert tonight, if the last quart lasts long enough…

    • Rose

      After spending most of a conference I was at last week feeling like an absolute failure at networking or talking to people, I managed to have a really lovely conversation with someone who’s fairly well known in the field, which maaaay just possibly lead to a post-doc opportunity! So I came away feeling like I accomplished something, rather than just like I’m bad at this.

      • emmers

        Yay, congrats on the contact!! And don’t be hard on yourself for not automatically being good at networking. Some people are- but I’m definitely not!

        If it’s a conference you see yourself attending regularly in the future, it’s helped me to get involved in the professional organization (i.e. Helping plan the conference), since that is like automatic connections, but without the stress of establishing them over a conference.

        Also, if you’re new to the field, give it time. I think it took me about 5 years to feel really comfortable, but I could have sped that up by getting involved sooner.

    • april

      I got a stellar performance evaluation and a promotion at work this week! It wasn’t entirely unexpected – circumstances beyond my control put me in a de facto leadership position this past year. It was incredibly stressful, but it forced me to stretch myself and I rocked it (she said modestly). Now I am officially a #bosslady … or, well, a “senior policy analyst” anyhow.

    • sage

      Today for the first time I’m taking a mental health day off work. So far I have been reading a book, snuggling my dog, sitting out in the sun with an adult coloring book, and knocking a couple easy things off the personal to-do list… And you know what? Nothing urgent is going on at work… should have done this a long time ago!

      • Olive

        I recently took my first mental health half day and it was wonderful! Good for you!

      • CP2011

        Those are the best!!

    • JennDee

      I really love doing these positive feeds–it helps make heavy days/weeks seem not so terrible!

      We did a very adult thing this week and put an offer on a house in a neighborhood we’ve been lusting over for a year now (cue us being excitedly terrified)! The house fits all our needs and even made some of our wish-list items come true–it’s pretty updated but has room for improvement, it has the bedroom number and storage space we definitely need plus some to grow into, and best of all, it backs up to a creek so our water-loving pup can simply run outside and chase fish whenever he wants!

      We just found out an hour ago that our offer got accepted!! There’s still a ton to do in the whole house buying process, but we feel like real live adults now. Partner and I keep making goofy faces and asking if this is real life, and who the heck would allow us to buy a house like real adults (hello, my name is Jenn and last week we had take-out for dinner three times and I lost my keys in the freezer…again). Guess we’ll be moving and planning our wedding at the same time now! Happy weekend, everyone!!!

      • PrettyUglyCrier

        This is great news, congratulations!!

    • Olive

      I finished reading The Martian last night! I stopped reading for fun during college and am 4 years into a PhD, so it’s about time I read all those books I need to read before I die! There’s too many! I’m in a tiny book club with my friend across the country, and I love how much it connects us even though we’re far away! :)

      • chrissyc

        I love the idea of a tiny book club with long-distance friends! What a great way to keep in touch.

    • Jess

      I owned up to my Sads on Tuesday, and R gave me supportive hugs and made a meal that felt very luxurious even though it was incredibly simple, easy, and cheap.

      I went for a run at lunch today when some more Sads were creeping at the edges, which was great because the sun was shining, and when I was done showering, it turned out there was free leftovers from a customer meeting!

      I’ve been reading romance novels again, which means I’ve been feeling hot-in-the-pants again, which means more sexy times than we’ve had in a while!

      • toomanybooks

        There’s nothing better than free leftovers from meetings you didn’t go to. I’m always like “these sandwiches are amazing can they cater my wedding”

    • Angela

      My wedding dress arrived this week! And it was my sister’s birthday yesterday and she had a lovely small party at a great Vietnamese restaurant and I drank passion fruit mojitos and everyone had fun!

  • Jessica

    I’m excited for my husband to get home this Sunday after being gone all month (including missing my brother’s wedding). We hired someone to redo our back retaining wall and it’s *his* project/ideas/baby, so it’s been slightly stressful for me to manage the contractor and try to make sure his vision is implemented, since I don’t give an especially huge damn as long as it retains our hill.

    I’m also excited for him to get back because solo dog care is stressful when you work irregular hours.

    Oh, also cause I like him, he’s a good person.

    • E.

      A month is a long time to be apart! Enjoy the reunion!

    • Lisa

      I completely understand your feelings. My husband is gone for two months at a music festival, and while I enjoy having some time to myself, I’m looking forward to being able to hang out together again!

    • KM

      Yes! My wife has been deployed for 5 months and comes home next Friday for a full month at home! Its never enough, but I can’t wait to see her because (as you said) all the things ranging from favorite person to projects to dog parenting.

  • Marie

    I need help choosing a photographer! I’ve been procrastinating on it, and I’m just stuck. My other person doesn’t have a preference, and I don’t know what to do!

    Note: I am going to remove links tomorrow for everyone’s privacy.

    Photographer 1 – I expect will return the largest number of images, but least amount of post-processing. I felt very comfortable around them, and trust them.

    Photographer 2 – I expect will return the smallest number of images, with light re-touching. I was impressed by how professional they were, and I feel comfortable around them.

    Photographer 3 – I expect will return a medium about of images, with most re-touching. Based on communication, I am a bit worried about organization, though.

    Photographer 4 – Most expensive, but also will return most amount of re-touching.

    As context, we are having both an indoor ceremony and reception, and I definitely want beautiful low-light, full-frame, non-obvious flash images. Also, we are budget restricted, which is why we are considering students/semi-pros (mad props to all full time wedding photographers – we love you, but you should be free to book a client who can pay you enough, and I just can’t.)

    What are people’s thoughts?

    • stephanie

      Oooohhh I like the second one.

    • Kaitlyn

      My favorite is #4 with #2 coming in at second (haha). I think 4 has as really nice emotional feel to it, you can really feel the joy in the photos.

    • Jessa

      I love the photos from the second photographer. I feel it’s important to feel comfortable with their style as well as their communication skills!

    • Eenie

      Two and four. Eliminate three because of your worries with organization (you have other great options). What kinds of equipment do they have? Even if you want low light, you may need to have some additional lights and such.

    • Lisa

      I would discount #3 on the basis that you’re already concerned about their organization and timeliness. You don’t want to be chasing down photos 6-12 months after the wedding.

      Personally, I like the coloring and levels of #4 best, and #2 would be my second choice.

    • I vote #2, with #4 in second place

    • Cellistec

      In my experience, organization is a must, so #3 is out. And don’t rule out #4 because of cost; if you love the work and trust the person, your wedding photos will be the worth every penny and will last longer than anything else you spend that kind of money on.

      • Jess

        We instantly ruled out anybody who didn’t seem organized, no matter how much we liked them or how reasonable their cost was. Peace of mind is worth a lot!

    • Marie

      Ok, thinking more about this, I have eliminated #3 and #4.

      Many of you liked #2 – but when reviewing a full gallery, I was disappointed. It’s clear they use extensive retouching to highlight the work they put on their website.

      #1, on the other hand, basically doesn’t retouch, so what I see is what I get.

      • Eenie

        I liked number 1 as well as 2 and 4. I think most people based their picks off looking at the gallery. Can you request a complete wedding* from them? That’s what I did (with similar lighting) and solidified our choice

        *meaning shots from the whole time of coverage not just the handful of absolutely stunning ones that are highlighted from each wedding

        • Jess

          This. A lot of the “absolutely stunning” gallery photos will be more heavily retouched than their complete event. If you’re worried about it, you can also ask if you can get both the unretouched and retouched versions of your wedding to peruse and order from.

          I know a friend ended up having the retouching version completely change the color of the bridesmaid dresses (I don’t know how) and she had asked for both version before the day of, so she had something that was more true.

      • Lisa

        My concern with #1 was that the lighting and coloring seemed a bit off in lower light photos. However, if that doesn’t bother you, then you should definitely go with the one that you like best! The photographer is one of the people you’ll spend the most time with on your wedding day, and the photos are the ones you’ll have for years to come so you should be happy with them.

  • StevenPortland

    This is one of those times that I wish my computer had a “Give me the answer” button. We’ve talked in the past about moving away from Portland and back to Minneapolis. Now we are at the point we either need to do it this summer or next summer. But first we have to decide whether or not to do it at all. There are so many things that are great in Portland. But family is back in Minneapolis, larger city with more career options, etc. Such a hard issue when there is no right answer.

    • stephanie

      Oregon or Maine? We left Portland, OR, last August and still have pangs about it… but we left for good reasons (family, affordability, getting my husband through school without more student loans). We do hope to bounce back to the PNW eventually, though.

      • StevenPortland

        Yup, Portland, Oregon. We lived in Minneapolis until leaving for Portland 10 years ago. Family, affordability, and better high schools in Minneapolis are all things drawing us back.. On the other hand, being 90 minutes from the beach or 60 minutes from the mountain, plus being in an ultra-liberal, laid back community is fantastic here.

        • Alex

          For what it’s worth, I have two sets of cousins in St Paul who are respectively living there with their partners and everything they’ve said about the twin cities seems ultra liberal, too.
          Winters are the worst though and beaches are definitely delightful (grew up in FL, moved to MI for grad school then to MA for work) :)

        • Anon

          No beaches, but lakes. No mountains, but bike trails. Which I know Portland has too.

    • Jessica

      I will always tell people to move to Minneapolis! It’s amazing here!

    • Totally understandable and we’re going through the same struggle, though for us its deciding between staying in Minneapolis or going back to Atlanta where we have more support. There’s pros and cons on both side, and I’m sure you’re facing the same struggle.

      • Anon

        You’re from Atlanta? My husband spent 5 years there and misses the people so much, especially compared to the MN ice attitude. It’s funny because he’s lived in MN practically his whole life, but says it doesn’t feel like home.

    • honeycomehome

      How often do you see your family? Are you concerned about health issues, or needing to be around for aging relatives? Both cities are great, but when we had to make this choice we chose family-city for those reasons. Bonus is that we left a lot of friends behind to host us in previous-loved-city when we want to visit.

      • Eenie

        This! We are in the predicament of only being able to live near one side of our family.

    • Olive

      My husband and I flipped through these maps last night and Minnesota comes out on top for a lot of those things that are important for life/raising a family. Family being there only sounds like a plus!

      http://www.cnn.com/2016/06/22/health/best-worst-states-raise-children/index.html

    • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

      I just visited Minneapolis this past weekend and fell in love with it. Parts of it reminded me of Portland!

    • Anon

      Yes, they are both great places. It’s so tough to be away from family, but after you’ve spent so much time building your community in Portland, it would be hard to leave that behind too.

    • My husband and I just moved back to Minneapolis from NYC and we are so happy to back. That said, the housing market here is pretty fired up so if you’re planning to purchase a home, waiting a year might not be the worst thing.

  • Jessa

    This week has been full of people feeling like I really need to know all their opinions about our wedding. FI’s grandma is suddenly upset that much of his extended family is not invited. One of my bridesmaids is very very very disappointed that the family friend/hairdresser who is doing hair for the wedding does not feel comfortable doing braids, and felt the need to mention it to me no less than 3 times. And then 2 people who RSVP’d may not be coming (but of course we found out from someone else) and we’re still waiting to hear from so many who verbally said yes but haven’t actually booked anything to our destination wedding. I am so ready for this week to be over. My bachelorette is this weekend and we’re doing a cooking class! Hope there is lots and lots of wine. :)

    • Lisa

      The cooking class is so fun! We did one for my friend’s bachelorette and had a great time. Make sure to bring a bottle of champagne, too. ;)

      • Amy March

        I assume you meant to say a bottle of champagne per person, right? Lean into your bachelorette!

        • Lisa

          I suppose I was thinking that there would be copious amounts of wine to supplement the champagne and that the bottle was just to get the class off on the right foot, but why not just skip wine and go straight for the champagne?

    • Kalë

      In terms of your braids-maid (HA!), see if she would be interested in doing some tutorials on youtube and doing her own braids! There are A FREAKING TON and they are surprisingly easy to follow. A few practice runs and then she should be able to do her own if she wants :)

      • Jessa

        She’s really good at doing her own hair too! I could offer that as an option. Thanks!

    • sofar

      haha I’m a month away from my wedding, and I’ve given up on trying to be diplomatic about anyone’s opinion. I simply say in an over-exaggerated “nice” tone, “Thanks! Your concern has been noted!”

      One of my attendees who is bringing her kid was complaining to me about not getting married/having my reception in a hotel. Because it would be SO much easier for “people with kids” if everything was in the same building.

      My wedding/reception and the room-block hotel are LESS THAN A MILE from each other in a very walk-able, safe, uber-filled party of the city. When she got married a couple years ago, her wedding was 10 miles from the hotel, and I’m sure “people with kids” didn’t really like that either.

      Had my bachelorette party a couple weeks ago, and it was such a great way to blow off steam. I was downing shots and being like “WooooooOOOOO f**k this wedding!” So enjoy yours — you’ve earned it!

      • Jessa

        This is my plan exactly for the bachelorette! I am excited to be married and really really really excited to never plan something like this again. It’s been an eye opening process as the person who usually will bend over backwards to make others happy. I’ve learned to stick to my opinions and be firm, which has been pretty great for the most part.

    • emmers

      That all sounds so wine worthy. People are soooo ridiculous. You can’t make that shit up!

  • Danielle

    Husband and I are planning to go to Seattle next month for an early one-year anniversary trip! Any suggestions for things to do/see/eat/experience in the area? We like food, nature, walking, biking, art, history, etc.

    • LindseyM

      Make sure to go walk around Volunteer Part, its absolutely beautiful and has a great museum / conservatory. Also, the street its on (15th) has some truly yummy restaurants. Our favorites are Coastal Kitchen for breakfast, Smith for a burger and great cocktails, and Bar Cotto for great pizza and cured meats.

      • Danielle

        That sounds fun and delicious. Thank you! I really love pizza :)

    • Cellistec

      How fun! Seattle has Pronto bike rentals (at least for now…I think the system lost its funding recently) so you can bike all over the place if the weather’s good. Downtown is insane, but the Burke-Gilman Trail, the Ship Canal, Gasworks Park, and other places are perfect for a day ride. If you have a car, try the “Issaquah Alps” for hiking (and stop at Boehm’s Candies nearby for locally-made chocolate). Other fun things: kayaking or stand-up paddleboarding on Lake Union, no-cover live music at the Triple Door Musicquarium, or a ferry ride to one of the islands. Hope you have a blast visiting!

      • JC

        I second Boehm’s Candies! But that’s because I grew up in Issaquah… :)

        • Cellistec

          Me too! Small world!

          • JC

            How funny!

      • Danielle

        Thank you! This sounds wonderful.

    • Kelly

      The weather should be great, so anything on lake Washington or the Sound. I really enjoyed the Chihuly (spelling?) Museum. Bar hopping in Fremont. Enjoy!

      • Danielle

        Thank you!

    • JC

      I don’t know how far in advance you have to book them, but the Seattle Underground tours are really cool! There’s literally an entire city built about 12 feet underground. I also love the Experience Music Project and the Chihuly Glass Museum. If you have a car, there is a wild animal park called Northwest Trek that is about an hour outside of the city. (They have a brand new baby moose!!!) All of the animals there are native to the PNW, and there are traditional exhibits for small animals and then a big reserve for the big animals.

      Also make sure you eat lots of salmon and berries!! Now is the time for peak northwest produce. We’ll be there next week and I’m salivating just thinking about it…

      • Danielle

        That all sounds amazing, especially the underground tour! Thank you for all recommendations. It’s funny that there is a chihuly museum there in Seattle – we have a bunch of chihuly pieces here in Columbus, Ohio and we love him a lot!

        • the cupboard under the stairs

          Late to the party on this, but I actually made a Google map of my favorite places in Seattle for our wedding guests! Hope it’s helpful to you: https://drive.google.com/open?id=10MFG31ODcfGoiIWBsHm6g_ZZ1_s&usp=sharing

          • Lisa

            Thank you for this! One of my best friends is getting married in the Seattle area of New Year’s, and I’m starting to collect ideas of fun things to do while we’re there.

          • Danielle

            THANK YOU THIS IS AMAZING <3

  • sofar

    Right now, I am absolutely dumbfounded by how many people think it’s OK to respond “maybe” to a wedding invite. We’re three weeks past our RSVP deadline and about 10 people are still “oh, I’m still trying to figure out my work schedule” or “oh I’m looking at flights,” or “I’m coming, but my girlfriend doesn’t know if she can yet.”

    I totally get extenuating circumstances — we’ve obviously made a few exceptions for loved ones who have serious health problems or due dates near the wedding (we’re paying for a plate for them and putting them on the seating chart). But the rest of them? Come on. If your schedule is up-in-the-air enough that you can’t commit to a date that’s a month away, then just respond “No.” What’s really irking me is that these 10 stragglers aren’t even our closest friends but think it’s totally OK to waste our time and, potentially, money this way.

    • chrissyc

      Almost none of our maybes came; all I can figure is that they were too afraid to directly say no. (??!) In any case, I feel ya–it’s so irritating. Hopefully you’ll get some definite responses soon!

      • Lisa

        Same here. The only people who were question marks that did come were the family members who told us they had extenuating circumstances that might prevent their attendance. All other wafflers were definitely no’s.

        • Anon

          I had a few friends who RSVPed no and then contacted me later to say they had found a flight deal if it wasn’t too late. That was fine with me as I was having a casual buffet and was really excited a few more friends from a different time and place in my life made it to the wedding.

    • StevenPortland

      I remember how awful RSVPs were. My best one was inviting a couple and having them respond (late) that they were also planning to bring their three adult kids.

      • raccooncity

        I think I had a relatively easy time with RSVPs but I do remember being really sad that a favourite aunt decided not to come at the last minute because she found a stray dog and didn’t want to leave it home alone, or with anyone else for that matter. It stung a bit.

    • Jessa

      Yes yes yes. This is me this week too!!! Just make a decision!!!

    • Keri

      Ugh the awkwardness of tracking down people who you don’t even care if they come. The worst.

      • sofar

        I am fantasizing about the revenge I will inflict if we are ever invited to their weddings. I am going to RSVP, “There’s a 60% chance I will make it. I will let you know the week before.”

    • CP2011

      If it was me, I would mark anyone who’s still looking at flights as a definite no…

      • Daisy6564

        Agreed, these people are likely not coming but you need to have some time of messaging to them to tell them that you are considering their reply a “no” by x date so they do not show up randomly.

      • sofar

        That was my instinct too. But part of me can totally see my fiance’s friends finding a last-minute flight and showing up. I am SO tempted to have a table in the way back and on the seating chart say, “If we did not receive your RSVP on time, you can make new friends at table 32.”

        • Eenie

          You could also just designate a table for last minute people/your vendors. They don’t get a place card because they didn’t RSVP or RSVP’ed late.

          • sofar

            We are considering that option. But the more frustrating issue is having to pay for 10 extra plates.

          • Eenie

            Yeah there’s no getting around that. But this solves the “wait until the night before to do the seating arrangement” problem.

    • Daisy6564

      I think it might be time to send an email along the lines of: “Our caterer needs an absolute head count by ____ (48 hours tops). If you cannot reply yes by then we will not be able to have a place for you. So sorry.”

      Maybe someone else could help make the wording a little nicer but I would say blame it on the caterer if you have to (assuming you have a plated dinner and the caterer is not a mutual friend or something).

      • sofar

        Yeah, it’s getting to be about time to do that. I’ve already told all these people that the caterer is hounding us for a head count, and they don’t seem to care. So now it’s time for the second part of the equation, as you say: the “We will not be able to have a place for you” part. And I’m going to have to be bad cop and do this, since my fiance is very troubled by it. One of the “maybes” is a couple who did my fiance a huge favor a few years ago. But we can’t make any more exceptions than we already have.

        • We got to the point where I sent a very direct message to the stragglers that just said “I’ve put you down as a no unless you can give me a firm yes right now” and left it at that. I knew they weren’t coming, they knew they weren’t coming, someone just needed to say it (I just hated that it had to be me). Sorry your RSVPs have been crazy-making.

    • nutbrownrose

      I seriously feel so bad for the fact that we were like 2 weeks late RSVPing to a wedding of a friend, but we literally didn’t know if we were moving southeast or northwest (Atlanta or Seattle) until like a week after their deadline, and we’re moving like a month from now. And their wedding is in a week! Basically, we didn’t have our shit together about our lives until like no joke a week ago. Luckily our friends are very understanding and I think are having a casual, no-seated-dinner wedding. But still, the terrible karma! I apologize, universe! Forgive me! Please don’t send me more than the usual number of late RSVPs!

      • I would definitely file that under “extenuating circumstances” and if you’ve kept the couple in the loop, I wouldn’t stress.

        • nutbrownrose

          I have for sure! The bride is so calm about all of it, and even found us a possible carpool, though we ended up going a different way involving parental stop-overs. But it’s a 12 hour drive, and she found us a potential carpool! Girl is so amazing. And planned this thing in nothing flat. Got engaged in January, getting married a week from Sunday. I gave myself 20 months to get this shit done. And move. And find a new job. But still!

      • Eenie

        We had friends change their RSVP late because they ended up having to move the same weekend. It was NBD.

        • nutbrownrose

          Thank you! I just see so many people on here posting about it, and I want nothing less than to be that annoying-ass guest who can’t get her shit in gear. But life is hard!

          • Eenie

            No you’re not the annoying people. I mean it’s a little annoying. But in the grand scheme not a big deal. Plus you plan on being a wonderful guest right? ;)

            There were three guests at my wedding that told me hey, right now it’s a no, but in a week or two we’ll know for sure. So in the future, I’d suggest if you were planning to be late RSVPing, RSVP no and let them know you’ll have more info by X, and if you can let them know yes then.

  • Today is “Frozen Treat Day” in our house as we mark the day when our twins have finally been unfrozen as long as they were frozen. We’re celebrating by eating ice cream if anyone wants to join the celebration.

    Also, last week we had our wedding photographer take some family photos for us now that we’re a family of five. We LOVE her. She’s a blast to work with. The photos are phenomenal. And for me it was a milestone because it was the first time in my life I didn’t at least attempt to curl my hair for a photo session. My hair is straight. That’s just the way it is. And I’m perfectly fine with it’s sleek, smooth, straightness. Go me!

  • anon today

    My husband and I had our second counseling appointment last night. We’re still in the thick of it–it seems too soon to say whether or not it’s going to help. We talked in excruciating detail about an inane fight we had last weekend. All about I statements and how he goes into fight or flight response when things get the slightest bit tense between us. There are no huge obvious issues like infidelity or anything, just bad communication and drifting apart. I still feel so closed off from him. Anyone want to send some words of encouragement?

    • Amy March

      Come what may, willingness to try and wanting to work this out is huge.

      • anon today

        So true, and yet there is a mean, ungenerous part of me saying it’s too little too late. This is after months of me asking for change and getting either that fight or flight response or nothing. At this point when I do notice him trying I have trouble appreciating it or taking it at face value. I guess I have some leftover anger to work through? Neither of us thinks it’s bad enough to leave, but I’m having a hard time seeing a way to where things are really GOOD again.

        • CMT

          I don’t think you have to feel ungenerous. There is such a thing as too little, too late, and if you decide that this is it, that’s fine.

        • Amy March

          I dunno, is there some particular reason you need to call that part of you saying it is too little too late “mean, ungenerous” instead of honest, sincere, hurt, and lonely? Do you need to appreciate it, or is it okay to just also show up and try? Do you owe it to anyone to not be angry? I do think its great to try counselling to work things out, but I don’t think you need to pressure yourself to believe that just that effort alone means you need to slap a smile on your face and be grateful for crumbs when you were promised cake. Sometimes things just suck.

          • anon today

            Thanks for saying this. I think I needed it. :-)

        • Jess

          Seconding Amy March and CMT both. It’s ok to use the words “hurt, scared, sad, lonely etc.” (pick whichever applies) instead of “mean” or “ungenerous”.

          It can be a lot easier to pick on yourself rather than own the other tough emotions, so try to give yourself room to feel however you feel about it.

    • Rose

      I don’t have particular encouragement, just sympathy. My wife responds to any sign of annoyance on my part (whether at her or not) by kind of freezing. Which leaves me feeling like if I want her to tell me stuff, I can never ever react with any kind of anger, which I don’t think is actually a reasonable expectation for me either.

      I guess the best encouragement I can offer is that things do change. Which is kind of an inane comment, but it took me a bit to really get it. I know I got myself all tied up in knots when we moved in together thinking that whatever patterns we set in those first few months would be the rest of our lives. That wasn’t true, both for small things (doing the dishes) and big ones (talking about money). It’s not always easy, but relationships aren’t static, and if both of you are trying, I think together you can probably make some of those changes you want.

    • Jess

      Offering an internet hug of encouragement. Working on this together is the hardest, but being willing to be there working is really great.

      We’re slowly working on the “how do we talk when you or I don’t like the subject” discussions, and it’s… hard.

    • E.

      Sending you internet hugs, that is so, so hard!

    • raccooncity

      It sounds like you’ve been working really hard at marriage, and that’s something to celebrate on an ongoing basis, either with your spouse, your friends or just yourself and a piece of cake/pie (i won’t assume which side you’re on, although pie is the correct side.) You’re learning a lot about yourself in the process, and hopefully improving yourself and that will be so worth it no matter what happens later. I am rooting for your marriage to come out all the stronger for it!

    • scw

      first, lots of love to you. you’re taking the right steps, and I hope it works. second, the book “the seven principles for making marriage work” by john gottman and nan silver has some exercises that we’ve found helpful. the book isn’t perfect (and assumes you’re in a heterosexual marriage, although I think the exercises could work for a range of couples). also, if you’re not in counseling yourself, it might be helpful to go alone. mostly, be kind to yourself – working at stuff like this is tough, and I find that therapy sometimes makes things harder before it makes them better.

  • LindseyM

    We finished our wedding website, sent out save the dates, and my parents are visiting venues for us in three weeks (overseas wedding)! Yay progress! I also found this person who does custom stationary online that is amazingly not too much more expensive than having something pre-made on etsy or Minted, so that might be a real possibility, which is great because I love stationary but assumed custom was out of our budget! Things moving slowly, but definitely progress! Also, just going to leave this riiiight here, since I really like how the website came out! Argentinabound2017.com

    • Olive

      The website is awesome! Good job!

    • Sarah Tomek

      The website looks lovely! It really sets up the guests to have an experience when they travel to your wedding. You’ll have to post those custom invites once they’re done.

    • Olive

      Awesome website! Good job from a fellow web design nerd :)

    • E.

      the website looks amazing!

    • CharlotteJ

      Your website is gorgeous! Makes me want to visit Argentina! :)

    • CMT

      Ahh, I love the Canterbury! (Or did; I don’t know what it’s like since it’s changed ownership.) I used to live like, 3 blocks from there. I loved the deep-fried mac and cheese wedges.

  • Sarah Tomek

    This week we hit 100 days to our wedding! I’m putting together a luncheon for the bridesmaids to thank them for their support and to have some bonding time (none of them have ever met!), and we’re doing it at a local paint/pottery studio. They have a range of crafts that we can make during our party, and I need help in choosing 2 or 3 that everyone will like. Attendees range from my mom and MIL to my 16 year old cousin.

    Here’s what we have to choose from: http://www.straightuppstudio.com/#!craft-menu/p7bbt

    Any favorites?

    • Amy March

      Something practical- like the key hook thing, something pretty- coasters, and something silly- the dinosaur trinket dish.

      • Sarah Tomek

        I like that approach. That totally works for the different personalities in the wedding party.

      • Rebekah

        I was going to suggest the same – the key hooks, the coasters, and the painted rocks

    • Jessa

      That’s a great idea! I like the cactus pot, the wine bottle vase, and the personliazed hanger. :)

      • Sarah Tomek

        I’m digging the personalized hanger, too. That’s kinda a wedding classic by now!

    • Olive

      What a cool place! I’ve never seen such a variety of crafts at one studio!

  • ruth

    Hi, Just wanted to let you guys know your link is broken for ” didn’t even know what they were voting on in the first place, so…)! It asked me for a WordPress login. Just wanted to alert you. Really wanted to read this one!

    • Alex

      It’s running rampant on a variety of sites now so you should be able to find it easily enough :) – number 2 Google search in the UK is something like “what is the EU?”
      ….sigh

      • Violet

        Though, I don’t get it. Couldn’t it be people who didn’t bother to vote now scrambling to find out what their more involved countryfellows got them into? How do we know these Googlers voted?

        • Lisa

          That was my initial thought when I saw that article as well.

  • AGCourtney

    WE GOT HAMILTON TICKETS. (Chicago) That is the biggest thing for me this week. It was a 2-hour ordeal, but I did it, and my daughter is so excited. (Heck, I’m excited.) We were already going to make her a tiny Angelica cosplay, so that is definitely happening now.

    I drove my sister to a couple of college tours this week – she loved Macalester, so that’s now a close second to Georgetown. it’s the only one in the state on our list, haha. And my daughter has a birthday party about two hours away this evening and we love this friend so we’re going, but that will be a lot of driving, so I’m bowing out early this afternoon, wish me luck on traffic. And apparently it’s the end of June already (?!) so we’re heading to visit family in Michigan next week! So busy, but all good stuff. I can’t believe how quickly the summer is going by.

    • We did too and it was a disaster and took hours but my mom finally got some on my birthday in March and I am super SUPER excited!!!!!

  • Laura C

    I am so glad happy hour is up. I’ve been running around for the last 75 minutes since getting off work/the nanny leaving trying to finish packing. I pick up the Zipcar in 45 minutes to first go to the physical therapist (side note: I don’t have profound problems but I am SO GLAD to be getting pelvic floor physical therapy) and then my husband is taking public transit into the suburbs and I am picking him up and we are headed to New York for the weekend. Meanwhile we’re trying to finish the application process for San Francisco apartments and I just feel so frazzled, because of course the baby ran out of patience with me dumping him somewhere while I tried to pack. So I’m feeding him, double checking my final packing list, thinking what snacks I can pick up for the road, and trying to breathe.

    • Mary Jo TC

      Pelvic floor physical therapy is magic. Have a good trip!

      • Laura C

        And I have to pitch it: if anyone reading this is in the Boston area, Marathon Physical Therapy in Newton has postpartum fitness classes that are SO worth it. It’s for six weeks to six months postpartum, it’s taught by one of their pelvic floor physical therapists, and it’s $20/class but you can buy discounted packages. So even if you don’t feel like you need (or don’t have insurance that will cover) PT, it’s a great opportunity to start to get your core strength back where you can be 100% confident that the instructor knows what your postpartum body can handle/needs.

        • Eenie

          I didn’t know this existed! Sounds awesome.

        • Jess

          Pelvic Floor issues are one of my many concerns about pregnancy! Thank you for letting me know this was a thing!

          • SLG

            Me too! Wow, I’m so glad to know this is a thing.

          • Laura C

            I also worked out with a trainer throughout pregnancy (until three days before my due date) — my trainer had pre and postnatal training and so that helped a lot. In fact, Today my PT basically cut me loose. Said since I came in in decent shape and I’m taking her class and working out and doing well, I don’t need any more PT, just keep doing what she showed me. So I’d say definitely what you do during pregnancy can help a ton, but then get some PT if at all possible. I can feel my core muscles coming back faster than I would have thought possible.

  • KM

    Did I miss an explanation about why this June APW did not focus on Pride the same as past years, with all weddings and essays of/by LGBTQ people? I have to say, I really missed that time of being in the majority in this little internet space.

    • Eenie

      Next week is still June! I sort of assumed it would be next week? I love seeing it as well. I think it’s more commonly been a week vs a month.

    • Rose

      Yeah, I was wondering the same. I’d miss it too, if Pride week gets skipped entirely this year.

    • E.

      I was wondering that too!

    • rg223

      “Pride” was one of the monthly themes. They haven’t been doing themed months since like, last November or October. I commented on it in a happy hour and someone on staff said it was temporary because of editorial backup/Meg’s pregnancy and book/etc, and that the themes were coming back. Though now that seems unlikely…

      • Rose

        Yes, but for the past couple of years there’s also been a week that was focused pretty much exclusively on LGBTQ+ folks. Tied in to the monthly theme, but also its own thing.

        • rg223

          Oh, yeah, didn’t read the comments below. Thanks for clarifying! Also I just want the themes again so I thought I’d throw that out there :)

          • Eenie

            I don’t think the themes are coming back.

          • rg223

            Yeah, me neither. Though I do like the idea of Monogamy Monday, maybe a couple more “daily themes” will come in.

          • Violet

            There was an AAPW on a Wednesday a few weeks back, and I was genuinely confused about what day it was for the rest of the week. AAPW = Friday’s coming!

          • Violet

            I don’t think so. I recall Meg saying that the themes “created more content problems than they solved.” I don’t know what that means, because I’ve never own/run a website, but the statement seemed kind of definitive.

          • rg223

            Oh, yeah that makes sense. I’m guessing it means they would get a lot of good pieces for one theme, and have too many to publish, and not enough publishable stuff on another which would leave them scrambling to fill spots.

  • Maggie Dragon

    I went in for a LASIK consultation yesterday and was told that I’m not eligible for LASIK, but for its predecessor operation (PRK). Curse you, thin corneas! All joking aside though, has anyone here had PRK? The recovery time is worse than LASIK, but things I have read range from “back to work in a week” to “two months later and I still can only work on a computer 2 hours at a shot.” I’m trying to decide when (and if) there’s a good time to schedule this between an early October wedding and being a dissertating grad student.

    • Cellistec

      I’ll be curious to hear about this too! I haven’t had a consult but based on my chronic dry eye I’m pretty sure LASIK is a no-go for me, so PRK is intriguing.

      • Maggie Dragon

        From everything I have heard, you get the same results, but it can take up to six months for your vision to finish improving/stabilizing and it usually takes about a week before people can go back to work/drive.

        • Cellistec

          Yikes. That sounds harrowing.

    • gonzalesbeach

      I had LASIK in about 2009 on two eyes over Christmas (so had a ~week before return to work). And last year, I had PRK revision on one eye. I booked the PRK right before my 2 week vacation from work. With LASIK, the next day could see quite a bit better (let’s say 75% of final vision) and it gets better and better over the next couple days, nearing very close to 20/20 by a week and at around a month, I was better than 20/20. With the PRK, I’d say the day after it was about 25% improved. I think my body found the PRK experience quite tiring from some reason and I had to nap a bunch. It would depend on your vision for when you can drive again – since I had a good eye, I probably was able to do that earlier than if it was both eyes within the week. I avoided reading anything (used books on tape), texting/playing with iphone (so phone calls only), tv, or computer for a full week to give my eye lots of rest. The second week, I reintroduced texting, and infrequent/and short amounts of computer use or tv. The third week, I was back to the office with a computer and (sorry environment), printed more materials (in large font) than usual for the first week or so of being back. Also had to adjust my computer screen to big fonts at first. I find now that the eye with the PRK gets a lot drier than the eye with LASIK-only.

    • ktmarie

      I don’t know a lot of details but you might want to look at IOLs (IntraOcular Lenses) – they actually replace your eyelens rather than reshape it.

  • ktmarie

    Curious about this community’s opinion. I’m helping a local group organize a panel event about women succeeding in management in traditionally male-dominated industries (mainly focused on tech for this). It’s the opinion of most of the organizers that we should include a male on the panel (current proposal is 3 female panelists, 1 male) but some people think it would seem odd to have a male on the panel. I personally think it would be great to have their viewpoint, provided we get the ‘right’ participant and tone as a group (i.e. they don’t feel attacked, they are an advocate for women in the workplace, etc) but I just wanted to throw it out there since I value the opinions here!

    • Amy March

      Why? What are they bringing to the table in this discussion? Do they promote lots of women? I’d like to hear from those women instead. There are so many all male panels, I don’t see why it is particularly important to have a male on this one, particularly since it is “should we have a man” and not “oh wow look at Tom CEO who has done xyz things maybe we should ask him”

      • CMT

        Yeah, agreed. I think if I were in the audience, I’d rather listen to the experiences of another woman than have that spot taken up by a man. Unless maybe that man had done something extraordinary that was relevant.

    • Jess

      Men are welcome to attend the event, right? Just like most women are for every technical field with panels that are all dudes?

      • ktmarie

        Yes, men are welcome to attend these events and there are typically a handful that do (maybe 5-10% of the audience). We had received a decent amount of feedback over a few events that we should be including men in the conversation so that’s where the idea stemmed from

        • Jess

          Hmmph. I get a little testy when menfolk think that men should be included as speakers at women oriented events just because they are men.

          Maybe you can have some men ask planted questions to be involved? Otherwise… try really hard to find a dude who stands as a beacon of hope for women.

          • ktmarie

            Sorry maybe my response was unclear (I totally agree with you) – we had received feedback from female participants that they felt it was important to include men in the conversations/events (I think from a building allies perspective)

          • Jess

            Ah. That’s… interesting? I guess that might be worth bringing up then!

    • Eenie

      Make it all female. If the point of the panel is how to succeed in management as a woman, what is the man going to say that isn’t going to sound weird? If it was, how to succeed in management, go for diversity. But that doesn’t seem to be the target audience. I would make an exception for a male panelist who has successfully mentored female managers that worked for him.

    • Jessica

      I think the question to ask is “Will they have something valuable to offer to the conversation that the other panelists cannot? Or at least, can’t as capably.”

      I’m of two minds, because I like events that are women focused to highlight women, but I also see the value in including a non-woman ally to add dimension to the conversation .

    • Rose

      I find myself thinking about Ginsberg’s quote that the right number of women to have on the Supreme Court would be 9; after so much time with all or mostly men, maybe it’s time for all women. Which is to say that, unless you have a specific man in mind who’d provide something useful and distinct, I wouldn’t include one. There’ve been enough all men and male-dominated panels in the world. (Basically, I agree with other here).

  • touchdownton abbey

    side note- this is such a delightful little community. <3

    • CMT

      Agreed! I love this place soooooooooooooooooo much! I never felt like I fit in at The Toast (which is fine; not every space has to be for me, even on the internet), I really don’t like most of the Gawker universe, including Jezebel, and then I stumbled across this place! (Came for the hypothetical Pinterest wedding planning, stayed for the amazing feminism). <3 you, APW and APW commentariat!

    • Kalë

      Yep, yep, yep. You are all a great reminder that, even with all of the sadness and horror and bad stuff in the world, there are pockets of joy and good people everywhere. Even on the internet.

  • LJ

    Need some advice: my dearest husband has been incredibly supportive in our decision to move across the country for my new job and to be closer to my family. This was always an eventually, but we recently made it happen.

    We’ve been here nearing 3 months and he has yet to find a job. He’s got a PhD in a tech field and we live in an area ripe with tech jobs. He’s never job searched before and my field is so different. I don’t at all feel resentful that he’s not working yet, but he’s definitely starting to get discouraged. I’m not sure the right way to support him- offering advice about job searching, trying to network, encouraging other fun activities so he doesn’t feel stuck at home (he’s doing like 95% of household duties right now which is beyond incredibly). I’m just not sure the best way. I’m a big verbal communicator, but he’s not, so he’s ha

    I just want him to be happy here. Anyone btdt? Or better yet have you been the unemployed spouse or significant other who has moved for the other partner’s job and how did you cope?

    • Eenie

      askamanager.org

      It can take a while to job search. Have you made any friends yet? Has he found somewhere to volunteer? This all helps, but three months is not that long to job search for.

      • Sophie

        Seconding askamanager.org. It’s a truly invaluable resource. Added bonus….the comments are moderated and a great community has formed. The comments are almost as great as the posts.

    • Rose

      I don’t know how successful I was as an unemployment-supportive partner, but we did move here so I could go to school, and it took her quite a while to find a job. A major part of it for her, aside from the money, was feeling that she totally had the skills to do something useful, just nobody wanted them. I strongly suggested that she get involved in some regular volunteer thing, like 2 days a week; both to feel productive, and I’ve heard that that can help with gaps on resumes. She never did follow that suggestion, but I still think it would have been a good plan until she did get a job.

      One of my friends has a fiance in a tech field, who moved down here to be with her. It took him a bit to find a job too, and she commented that she could tell when his kinda planned period of fun-employment turned into unemployment. He did get a job not too long after, and has since actually moved to one he likes more, so there is totally hope. I do think that the discouraged period is totally normal, though.

    • CharlotteJ

      I have been the unemployed spouse (well, girlfriend) who moved with her boyfriend for his job! We moved to Texas from Oregon about 3 years ago. I was in a bit of a different situation from your husband–I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life. I spent a lot of time just exploring the new city and thinking about what I wanted out of a career. My boyfriend was most helpful in encouraging me to take my time, helping me with my resume, copy-editing my cover letters, and lending a sympathetic ear when I needed to complain about the job market. I volunteered a lot and did my best to stay out of the house. I did some part-time work that I didn’t really enjoy. And then a year ago, I landed my dream job in communications! I really couldn’t have done it without the emotional (and let’s face it, financial) support of my boyfriend, and it sounds like you are doing everything you can to make this transition easier on your husband. So I guess I’m here to say, hang in there, it will work out!

    • april

      This is hard. My partner moved across the country for me right before our wedding, and I remember how tough the job search period was. My only advice is to be patient and to do what you can to keep his spirits up. And while I would advise against searching too aggressively on his behalf – do keep your eyes and ears open for job opportunities. It sounds like you have more connections in the area, so ask if they know anyone in your husband’s field that he could talk with. Good luck!

    • saminrva

      My husband was unemployed for about 5 months after we moved here for my job and it was a really hard time…and I think that’s normal to some degree, but that doesn’t always make it less hard. I’d say support him in the ways he normally likes to be supported, try to keep open communication, help him know you’re on his side. I recommend (for both of you) being open to new experiences, talking to new people, saying yes when people ask you to do things, and in the process getting the word out that he’s looking for a job. I guess that’s “networking” but you’re doing those things for other reasons too (you’re both new!), so hopefully that takes some of the pressure off.

    • Kaitlyn

      On the job search side: are there any networking events near you? I work in recruiting at a tech company and we host a lot of events on-site and around Boston and we find a lot of candidates through those types of events.

  • Cellistec

    What’s your take on wearing a bridesmaid dress to a wedding at which one is a regular guest? The dress in question is cocktail-style, and fuchsia, and 100% looks like a bridesmaid dress. The wedding for which it was purchased is over. But dammit, I spent so much money on it and I have 3 other weddings this year…I want more mileage out of the thing.

    • Amy March

      Go for it! If possible, check and make sure they the bridesmaids at this wedding are not wearing fuchsia cocktail dresses, but if I see no problem.

      • Cellistec

        Ah, good thinking!

    • CW

      I think it’s fine, as long as it fits with the style of the wedding. If you think it will be fancier than what the bride wears, then probably not.

    • Eenie

      Ask the couple getting married if the BM or GM are in fuchsia. If not, wear it!

      • Cellistec

        I very much hope the GM are in fuchsia.

    • april

      I think it’s an awesome idea! You’d be surprised how easily you can downplay the “bridesmaidiness” of a dress with some cool accessories – like a statement necklace or a tuxedo blazer. Just have fun with it.

      • Cellistec

        Yup, I was thinking a lace coverup to hide the most bridesmaidsy part of the dress- the illusion neckline. Just not white lace, I keep telling myself!

        • Olive

          I have a navy blue cocktail ex-bridesmaid dress I like to dress up with a silk flower pin!

    • E.

      As long as it doesn’t like the actual bridesmaid dresses! I wear my MOH dress from my sister’s wedding to most weddings I go to lol

    • Kaitlyn

      I had to wear a fuschia cocktail-style dress as a bridesmaid recently. The woman that sold it to me said it’d look less formal with sandals and a cardigan over it, which I would totally wear if the dress itself wasn’t a total and complete disaster haha But this is totally allowed :)

    • As long as the real bridesmaids aren’t wearing fuchsia, go for it girl.

    • Keri

      Why not! When you’re not standing next to a bunch of other ladies where the same/similar things, it probably looks more “formal cocktail” than bridesmaid anyway!

    • CP2011

      As long as it goes with the venue/tone of the wedding and isn’t the same color as the wedding party I don’t see why not. You could probably also try to sell or consign it.

    • raccooncity

      I have done this and the dress was strikingly similar to the bridesmaids’ dresses. No one cared or thought I was a bridesmaid – particularly because the parts where the difference mattered, I was either sitting mixed into the crowd or not present (i.e. photos). During the dancing, the bridesmaids were all scattered around. You could ask about colour, but honestly no one will think you are a bridesmaid.

      Bridesmaid-ery (??) is more about actions/presence than uniform, isn’t it? I guess it depends on the bride.

    • I’ve worn my sister’s bridesmaid dress to the last few weddings I’ve been to this summer–as in the dress that she wore in my wedding but then decided I could have it because she is in high school and it was “too long and she’ll never wear something that long again”(note: it is several inches about the knee). But I don’t mind because it’s a great dress to wear to summer weddings aka is a formal dress that I own that isn’t black.

  • CW

    I accepted a job offer this week! I started interviewing for it early in June, after almost 4 years of on/off searching for something new. I’m so excited and still can’t believe that this is happening! Thanks for all of the career/job advice here over the years!

  • Leah

    We bought a house! It’s exciting and…scary! We just closed on Monday, and are trying to basically move in the next week. It’s 120 years old, and we are trying to paint, clean, etc. pretty much as fast as possible. And I’m having a fair amount of terror about woah-is-this-really-a-good-idea. I’m trying to hold on to the all the things we love about it, but right now it just feels big and frightening. especially since we’ve only got about 6 weeks or so before this baby shows up. And we both work full time and have a lot on our work plates right now too. So, life right now is proving to be a big exercise in stress-management (punctuated by breaks to read the news…cause, you know, that’s relaxing right now…). Whew. Wish us luck!

  • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

    We close on our House of Dreams next week, and I’m SO excited! The past month and a half has flown by, and I still can’t believe it’s real.

    Also, I got a much-needed minibreak with my bestie this week, where we road-tripped to Minnesota to hang out at the Betsy-Tacy houses in Mankato and sing showtunes in the car. It was an absolute delight!

    • Rose

      I love the Betsy-Tacy houses! My grandparents were there a few months ago, send pictures that reminded me of when we visited (years ago). You did get to go sit on the bench, right?

      • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

        Absolutely! And the upstairs bedrooms are now open to visitors in Betsy’s house, so we got to see the window where Maud had her desk!!

        • Rose

          Oh, cool! I should go back sometime.

    • InTheBurbs

      I love those books and have never visited the houses…Mankato isn’t far….hmmm

    • Essssss

      There are real houses?! I loved those books!

      • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

        Yes!! They’re autobiographical, and the houses are now museums!

        • Essssss

          How wonderful, I had no idea!

          • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

            It’s totally worth a visit. Much of the neighborhoods look the same, and you can see where various characters lived and really get a feel for the geography.

        • Dess

          what?!?! That is an actual childhood dream come true!

          • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

            I cried like a baby when I saw them for the first time! And then I tried to climb the Big Hill and failed. It’s a lovely trip if you can make it to Minnesota!

    • raccooncity

      OMG Betsy-Tacy. <3

    • toomanybooks

      Betsy-Tacy!!! I don’t think anyone I know in person has ever mentioned those books. I’ll have to keep that in mind if I’m ever in Minnesota.

    • BD

      I just wanna say, I love your user name!

      • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

        Thanks! My dude and I say it to each other all the time, and it makes me laugh every time.

  • Sosuli

    Earlier this week I was looking forward to coming here and gleefully announcing WEDDING A WEEK TOMORROW and FMIL IS GETTING YET ANOTHER FREAKING DRESS. But now the unimaginable has happened and as an EU immigrant on little sleep facing Brexit in an area that voted Leave… I just don’t care anymore. I want to just say what is keeping me afloat is the knowledge that no changes will be implemented until after at least 2 years of negotiations, and the result of them may be that surprisingly little changes. Dear God it can’t get much worse, can it? And surely after nearly a decade here and a British soon-to-be-husband, they can’t get rid of my that easily…

    • rg223

      Ugh, I’m so sorry. Internet hugs.

    • Rose

      I can’t imagine how stressful that must be, and at an otherwise stressful time, too. I’m sorry! I’d assume, too, that there’ll be a way to stay. . .

      It’s not the same, quite, but I know a little bit about what it’s like to have your area vote for something that is targeted at making you feel unwelcome (an anti-marriage equality amendement passed right after we moved here). I don’t have any real words of wisdom, just acknowledgement that it’s really, really hard to have people voting on your future, and to have that kind of rejection.

      • Sosuli

        Thank you for the solidarity. I really appreciate it.

    • Jess

      I’m gleefully waiting for the end of the But-It’s-Not-That-White Dress saga.

      I thought of you with the Brexit thing – I hope things work out for you.

      • Sosuli

        Thank you. I will be eligible for a spousal visa if it comes to it and likely citizenship if things get reaaaally bad. Honestly even before this I just wanted to move back to my home country, but now we don’t know what rights FH will have there. So it just feels very bleak, but could be worse – it could always be worse.

        • Niiskuneiti

          Reading between the lines, I think I’m from the same place you are and I have an American spouse, so I’ve read up on immigration. As a spouse, residency and work permits look like they’d be relatively automatic, but what worries me is employment for him as an English-only speaker. Sigh.

    • Danielle

      Ugh, the world.

    • Lisa

      That is so awful. I have a friend whose husband is an EMT in London, and apparently he doesn’t make enough money to support a visa for his wife under British law (or so I gathered from her Facebook post), but she’s been able to stay because of the EU regulations. She’s really concerned about how this will affect her status.

      And OMG, ANOTHER DRESS?? Is it white and pouffy like I joked?

      • Sosuli

        Not quite… apparently she has several options, but the only one I have seen a picture of is beige. So… not ideal, but honestly I am so tired and I have lost count of the times I’ve burst into tears this afternoon that I don’t care. On top of Brexit, FH’s grandmother is really unwell and will almost certainly not make it to the wedding (and may just not make it past the wedding in general…) and some close family members of his have also announced they’re getting divorced this week. With all this and recovering from an awful cold that kept me in bed most of this week… I’m just trying to find some wedding happiness before next Saturday.

        • Amy March

          Isn’t the mother of the groom’s role traditionally to shut up and wear beige? I’m counting this as progress.

          • Sosuli

            I should have said, she described it as “beige/taupe”. In the picture it was very pale. But like I said, after everything that has happened since seeing that, I am beyond caring.

        • Rebekah

          Oh, I just had an amazing idea. Instead of a photo shoot after your wedding where you trash your dress, can you please do one where you trash all the “not quite white” dresses your MIL bought?

      • Anon

        There are ways around the income requirement, but they may mean having to have been married for a long time. Some relatives of mine lived in Europe for a few years after they got married before trying for the UK visa for the American spouse.

        • EF

          Nope, that way (called surinder singh) has been pretty much closed off by the immigration courts in the UK, though it totally worked up until the last couple of years. it’s also dependent on EU law, so would be moot.

      • Sosuli

        I should have also said, I really feel for your friend. One major reason to be concerned with Brexit is the tightening of non-EU immigration rules in the last couple of years. Under any of those income regulations etc. I wouldn’t stand a chance of staying here.

        • Alice

          So true, I’m an American here on a student visa right now, but hubby and I were hoping to stay for awhile after school and maybe even do a residency here eventually, but that is looking more and more impossible as they steadily increase the minimum income. It’s going to be really hard on the university programs, too, which share so much knowlegde and manpower with EU schools. The school never sends out political stuff, but we actually got two emails yesterday about how “this was not the outcome we would have hoped for,” and how to proceed with certain applications.

          I hope you are able to sort out something that works well for you, I’ll also be watching how things progress here (I’m in Scotland, so wondering if another referendum is coming). It’s a pretty sad situation.

    • Jessa

      I have actually been trolling this thread to wait for an update on you FMIL. So so so sorry about her and Brexit.

    • Cellistec

      Ugh, I’m so sorry. About both things. What’s the dress THIS time?

    • toomanybooks

      But like, if you do want to tell more FMIL dress stories, we will be here. ?

      • Sosuli

        I’m just amused that she is dress shopping again! One week out! And I had absolutely nothing to do with this one.

    • Laurel

      British millennials hardly turned out to vote on Brexit. If we as a generation can’t be bothered to vote, then we are part of the problem.

      • Sosuli

        I think a lot of people assumed remain was strong enough that they didn’t need to vote. Which is extra frustrating when you’re one of the people Brexit will have the most direct impact on and you weren’t allowed a vote. But there are so many other failings in the remain campaign and personally, I think the disconnect between Labour IN and the white working class is potentially a bigger issue. I’m based in the North East and it is gutting that this region gains so much in direct investment from the EU – far more than the region pays in – and people voted to leave and give that up.

        • Laurel

          Yeah. I just think it’s embarrassing when we millennials blame everyone but ourselves, when our own impulse was to not even participate.

          You know?

          • Sosuli

            Yeah, I get that. I guess throughout this referendum I’ve identified so strongly with the EU immigrants forced to watch from the sidelines that I haven’t even thought of myself as a millennial.But that is a fair point. Hopefully this is the wake up call young people in the UK need to get off their bums and stop this government and the likes of Farage from effing up their futures even more.

          • Lisa

            I said this elsewhere in the thread, but there are reasons besides apathy that drive lower voter turn-out among millenials. I don’t know how it is in the UK, but I know in America that young voters tend to be vastly underrepresented during off-season elections because it can be difficult to get around the optics of taking time off work even though people have to be allowed to vote. Older voters, who are retired, have the free time to go whenever they feel like during the day without the added stress of work deadlines, daycare pick-ups, and voting wait times.

    • Diamondminek

      I’m in Scotland, where we voted remain, but will be leaving anyway. I’m sad, and don’t trust those in power to look after us, since they already don’t. I’m afraid my mortgage will explode. I’m very concerned about human/ workers/ equal rights being eroded. (And i work in care… if we lose foreign staff, yikes) Can only hope an election which may follow,brings a kinder governmet. (Or at least many great jokes about a trump/ Boris friendship)
      I voted for Scottish independence, but I’m not sure a second independence referendum is the answer. first one brought a lot of upset, and I don’t want to see it happen again,so soon.
      As you say in two years time things may not look so bad… but if they could not suck in the mean time, that would be helpful. It’s the uncertainty that will do us,more than the actual changes I suspect.
      (Good luck on the dress saga. Probably best to avoid politoval and dress talk!)

      • Sosuli

        I totally agree with you. The thought of years of uncertainty is… unbearable. Part of me is hoping for a new general election, but I’m also scared after this vote it could mean a surge for UKIP. It’s interesting to hear that you’re not sure about another independence referendum – all my English friends seem to be counting on it so they could emigrate to Scotland! Which means quite a significant proportion of them have changed their tune since the last time round…

        And I’m lucky that FMIL is almost as upset by the outcome as I am. I don’t know what I would do if FH’s immediate family was pro-Brexit! The dress I will ignore in favour of bonding over our shock and disappointment over this.

      • Dess

        Similar situation here, only we’re about to be moving to Scotland for work, which we thought could be a permanent move and now….might not be.

    • PrettyUglyCrier

      I’m majoring in politics and in our IR class this week we were asked what our opinion on the Brexit was. Everyone but two people (out of 50+, maybe?) had hopes they wouldn’t be so stupid as to vote for leaving. So I guess we were wrong on that one…
      But really, knowing that “old” people are undermining the future of their youth makes me equally sad and angry!
      Since you’re marrying a Brit you should be able to apply for a Visa (when or if it ever comes to it) but I can’t shake the feeling that this is unfair and a big leap backwards in history.
      Also, just to end on a happy note, holy moly one week till your wedding!!! We’re seriously considering your idea of letting our guests “test” their language skills so let me know how that works for you in the end!

      • Sosuli

        Thanks! I will report back after the wedding and let you know how the phrase lists work out. :)

      • Stacie

        I doubt the “old” voters believe they are hurting the youth. Everyone has reasons for why they vote the way they do. Really, you should be sad and angry at young voters, because so few of them voted.

        • Lisa

          I don’t know how it is in the UK, but I know in America that young voters tend to be vastly underrepresented during off-season elections because it can be difficult to get around the optics of taking time off work even though people have to be allowed to vote. Older voters, who are retired, have the free time to go whenever they feel like during the day without the added stress of work deadlines, daycare pick-ups, and voting wait times. There’s a reason besides apathy that younger voters typically have lower turn-outs.

    • EF

      no joke i was at john lewis this week and almost took a pic of an off white dress i saw there to post on this thread and be like, ‘hahaha look your fmil might get this’ but i thought the saga was over and i didn’t want to bring it up! alas, wish i’d taken it now.

      a note on spousal visas in the uk: they are tough, have a lot of requirements, and definitely do not protect you from immigration changes. my partner and i are facing being split up because of the requirements+referendum (we both work EU financed jobs) and he can’t live without the NHS and I can’t stay with this exchange rate soooooo. yeah life is swell in this country.

  • Kayjayoh

    You guys! I adulted. I called the hair salon on my block and made an appointment for my first haircut in almost a year and my first in Boston. And I got my hair cut. And it was good and I look good. Yay!

    • Kaitlyn

      Ugh my Boston hairdresser LEFT ME and I dread having to find another one :( :( But I’m glad yours worked out!

      • Kayjayoh

        Well, if you are near JP/Roxbury, I can recommend one. :)

        • Kaitlyn

          Ah I work in Back Bay and live in Quincy, so that’s a little out of my way, but I appreciate the offer!

      • Her Lindsayship

        I’ve been skipping around hairstylists in Boston but the last one I went to was pretty good – Victor at Highlight Salon near South Station. He spent a ton of time doing really subtle highlights to offset a terrible ombre I got done previously (elsewhere), cut my hair the way I wanted, and even curled it afterwards at no extra cost! There was no up-selling of products and he gave me a coupon for my next cut/color to get the same deal I did this time through Groupon. I was really happy with it.

    • Violet

      You’re basically my hero. Finding a new hair dresser is harrowing. Congrats!

      • Kayjayoh

        I feel like a lucked out. There are a lot of salons and barbershops in my neighborhood. I walk past this one most days, and I always like the window displays. I literally do not have to cross a street to get from my house to the salon. And she was nice! Made me feel comfortable and did a great job with my haircut.

        But until that point, the anxiety was something else. Especially since I had to call. I hate using the phone so much!

        • I chose my stylist in Okinawa 100% because I could book appointments through Facebook messenger. Now that we moved, I’m going to have to find someone new and probably also call to make the appointment. Glad it’s not just me who hates the whole idea of it.

    • Cellistec

      Hooray! Can I borrow some of your adulting to do the same? It’ll be a year in September since my last cut…and looks it, for real.

      • Kayjayoh

        Heh. Mine was coming up on a year in August.

    • Ashlah

      I’m still buzzing my hair for now, but I know I want a new hairdresser when I decide to grow it out, and I am dreading the process of finding one. So good for you, and yay for good haircuts!

  • saminrva

    Something funny happened on our honeymoon that I thought you all might appreciate — we booked our trip to Spain and Norway (weird combination, but there’s a logical reason that I won’t go into here) through a travel agent and everything went great and we had an amazing time! When we checked into our hotel in Bergen, Norway though, the travel agent had mistakenly booked us under MyFirst MyLast and HisFirst MyLast. (Neither of us changed our names and my husband was very supportive of that). We both thought this mix up was amusing, but he couldn’t stop laughing about it and was saying how weird and absurd it felt to be called by my last name. Again, he’s always been really on board with me not changing mine, but I thought it was fun that he got a first-hand chance to feel the dissonance that women have always been “expected” to take on.

    • Kate

      this happens to my husband more often than I would have ever thought of after getting married 5(!) years ago. Mainly because I’m the one who does most of the ticket/hotel/car/whatever booking and bank dealing. It’s usually just easiest to smile and nod :)

    • rg223

      My son took my name, and a couple times since he was born, my husband has been called HisFirst MyLast, so he’s experienced this too! I told him it’ll only happen more when our son goes to school.

    • april

      Ha! This happens to my husband a lot, since I usually do our hotel bookings/dinner reservations and just put them under my name. He just rolls with it.

  • Jess

    Met with our marriage commissioner this week! She is lovely, which is great because we don’t have a lot of secular options in BC (celebrant or commission, and celebrants can be very expensive!). We were happy to incorporate tips from APW (subtle ways to make your wedding more feminist) – we will be alternating who goes first reading vows and declarations, lots of women speaking/reading throughout the day, and my dad is not ‘giving’ me away. We are also being introduced as ‘the newly married couple’ instead of Mr and Mrs because I haven’t decided on name changing yet. (Thanks for all the awesome essays APW!)

    We also had the commissioner change a line from ‘I will make you my first priority’ to ‘I will make our life together my main priority’ because, let’s be real, sometimes you have to put yourself (or something else) first.

    We also decided on our recessional song, and as all these little details fall into place I am getting SO EXCITED.

    August 7th here I come. With gold and suede bridal brogues on.

    • Anon

      Marriage commissioner name? I’m looking for one in BC now.

      • Jess

        Ours is Lura McCallum (on Vancouver Island) – she was actually recommended by the celebrant we wanted to work with but couldn’t afford (Barbara Densmore).

        • Anon

          By chance do you live on Vancouver Island? We are visiting in August… I guess I should do a happy hour post on a future week to ask for ideas and activity suggestions.

          • Booknerd

            I live on Vancouver Island! Where are you visiting?

          • Jess

            Actually I do! Where are you staying? The Cowichan Valley and especially the Duncan Farmers Market are amazing. Victoria is a wonderful place – great restaurants (Olo, Chorizo + Co, & Northern Quarter are my faves) with a beautiful inner harbour. Tofino is also really special (Wolf in the Fog for breakfast, for lunch, for dinner) with unique boardwalks throughout the forest so you can see the ecosystems there. Also tacofino. Fish tacos. Everyday.

    • CMT

      As a non-Canadian (although I can see it from my house!) I’m curious about the difference between a commissioner and a celebrant? Why are celebrants more expensive? Do you have to have either one or the other? It’s so easy in the U.S. to get all the right permissions to officiate a wedding for a friend/family member that I’d never even thought about how it’s done in other places.

      • Jess

        I never thought about it until I got engaged! I had always assumed we would have my aunt marry us – she has been a super important of my life, is very grounded and well spoken, and it would have been a wonderful way to honour her. I was really sad when I found out she couldn’t just get ordained.

        In BC once someone is retired they can apply to be a marriage commissioner (funnily enough my aunt is planning to do this once she’s retired). You meet with them once before and talk through logistics and the ceremony and inform her of any readings you want, change any wordings, cut anything you want as log as its not part of the legal stuff. Then they show up on the day and make it happen! It costs $130.

        A celebrant works much more closely with you and writes a ceremony from scratch – they’ll incorporate other rituals (hand fasting is common) and really create a custom ceremony. So you pay for that creation, I think the woman I spoke to said around $700 was her fee? I’m not sure what the real range is.

        I’m not sure why the restriction, but I do feel like we’ve still been able to tailor our ceremony to us.

  • Rebekah

    I’m an aunt! My younger sister had the first baby of our generation, making me an aunt and my parents grandparents! I was very nervous because she was planning a home birth with midwives, but she labored for 12 hours and everybody was perfectly healthy. Praise God!

    I’m going home to visit in 2 weeks and am so excited to meet him. Stuff like this makes it much harder to live 800 miles from my family.

    • MsDitz

      Congrats! Being an aunt is so fun! You’re going to love it (and that little guy)!

    • Olive

      Congratulations! I’m a long-distance aunt too, and have been using an app called “Us Tyme” to read books to my niece (she’s 2, but reading benefits start young!). There are a bunch of kids books on there and an integrated video so she can see & hear me read to her. Here’s how to get the books for free: http://lifehacker.com/get-50-classic-childrens-ebooks-for-free-from-billion-e-1745485605

      Living far is definitely difficult, but we do lots of video chats, bedtime stories every couple weeks, and despite my worries, she always remembers us when we visit and we have so much fun. :)

      • Eh

        This is a great idea! I live far from my neice and nephews and wish I saw them more.

  • Keri

    Y’all I am getting BURNT OUT on this wedding stuff. Annoying pushy seamstress who won’t listen to me and does shit I don’t want and then says what I want will cost more. People saying there isn’t enough stuff on my registry when there is SO MUCH. And no, I don’t have a DJ yet, even though yes, my wedding is in like 40 days, and yes, I’m aware all of the good ones are definitely gone, why do you think I am putting it off forever until we can just cancel the whole wedding because we don’t have any microphones and I can just sit in a cool dark room and eat all the leftover shrimp myself?

    How do you deal with wedding shit that you don’t care about when it’s still shit that you need even if you don’t care about it? I think my fiancé is in the same boat, otherwise I would gladly just shove it all on him and be like “YOU DO IT.”

    On a positive note, our engagement photos came back and they were for the most part very nice and I’m glad that’s done, and everybody’s advice/encouragement was necessary and fabulous, so thank you for that.

    • Jess

      Re decision making when you don’t care – I have decided to either 1) forgo said thing or 2) use the most basic item that meets that requirement.

      1 looks like not having any additional decorations other than flowers and table numbers, not having personalized cocktail napkins, and not giving out favors.

      2 looks like using basic white table linens and flatware, printing up basic folded escort cards and stamping them with colored star stamps to indicate food ordered, and just putting a line on our invitations to see the wedding website instead of listing out every single event the day of and after our wedding on an insert.

      #2 is helping a lot to just “pick something”, and is made easier by wine.

    • emmers

      Hang in there! Some wedding stuff is bullshit. Honestly, there were a couple things we didn’t resolve until the day before the wedding (like who would announce us, and who would press play for our ceremony music!).
      In case it’s an option for you, we adapted the Emergency Dance Party playlist from APW, put it on Spotify premium, and let it rip. There was a ton of dancing. My brother in law announced us. Hang in there!!!! Some wedding shit is so annoying, but then boom you’re married!!!

    • Sosuli

      We had something similar this week when FH called his mum and mentioned he had put in a couple quotes for taxi firms for our wedding which, at the time, was two weeks away… apparently she just kept repeating “Well you could have taken care of THAT earlier. Really. Why didn’t you take care of that earlier?” etc. etc. Until he just snapped and said “That’s not helpful. Stop it.”

      (FYI Taxi firm we called said what we wanted wasn’t a problem and they actually didn’t have their rota up yet and to call back in a couple days. You don’t have to do everything months in advance.)

  • MsDitz

    I need all the good vibes you’ve got, APW! In addition to everything not-great going on in the world these last two weeks, my own little world is getting crazy as well. Three weeks ago I made the decision to quit my job that was absolutely toxic and depressing, even though I did not have another job yet (just good leads). I had a job interview last week for an awesome position that I thought went really well, but I am STILL waiting to hear back. I heard there have been hang-ups in HR and lots of things have been put on hold, so meanwhile I am just waiting around. In addition to that stressful situation, on Monday we got the call that our landlords are deciding to move into the house they have been renting to us for the past 3+ years, which we means we have 60 days to leave the house we brought our son home to :-( I did however meet with a woman who is renting a townhouse that would be great for us, but just like my job situation this lady has other things going on so I have been told right now to just…wait. I am expecting to hear back about the job and the townhouse either today or Monday, and I am a bundle of anxiety! I feel like the life of my little family is in the hands of strangers and it makes me want to cry. So if you could keep your fingers and toes crossed for us, I would appreciate it!

    • emmers

      Waiting can be so stressful. I hope you’re able to wait peacefully for this stuff out of your control. Hang in there.

      • MsDitz

        Thanks! I’m a bit of a control freak, so its the “out of our control” part I’m having the most trouble with.

    • rg223

      Good luck with both the job and the house!

  • chillaxin

    Y’all, I could not be happier that it is Friday. And only 20 minutes at work to go… whee!!! It has been non. stop. the past three weeks, including two work trips and (!) photographing a wedding. Nope, not for pay, nope, I don’t do photography. All the pros out there can laugh but sometimes you do a friend a favor.

    Anyway…. so here I am, with a night to myself stretching in front of me, and so little energy. The rest of the weekend will be social and semi-active. But I cannot for the life of me decide what to do with myself tonight. Whether it would be better for me to 1) get thee to yoga, 2) go home and putter and make a nice dinner, or 3) beg off being responsible and order in and VEGVEGVEG in a horizontal position for the evening. Or something else. Ever been so out of self-care mode that you don’t even know where to start? Suggestions are requested.

    • Amy March

      Personally, I am going for rose, sushi, television, and a phone call to my best friend. Zero part of my relaxing self care involves a) doing dishes, or b) waking up to undone dishes Saturday morning, so take out it is.

    • Keri

      I vote active vegging. I often find myself in the position of not knowing what I was to do with myself but knowing I want to RELAX but then I’m like, “Do I want to watch netflix in the bathtub or adult color and watch Say yes to the dress? Can’t decide – 3 hours of unfulfilling Facebook scrolling it is!” So my advice is to pick a thing and commit to it – if it’s an idea you had, you’ll enjoy it! Have fun!

    • Not Sarah

      Get thee to yoga! You will totally feel better/relaxed afterwards :)

    • Jess

      Rolling in to break the tie! I would go to yoga, then get take out, and enjoy “practicing savasana” for the rest of the night.

    • CMT

      I know I’d feel better doing yoga first and then vegging. But it’s also a lot easier to say that when I’m not the one trying to decide between that and getting home and out of my pants ASAP :-P

    • emmers

      Ooh, ordering in, or picking up some pre prepared food or takeout and then devouring some good tv/movie action is my fave. Plus a bubble back and good book!

  • Eh

    So after all of the drama over the date of our daughter’s first birthday, today we sent out the invitations!

    I previously mentioned that I had surgery last week and my inlaws hosted a birthday party for a family member so they could not help us with our daughter while I was recovering. We saw my inlaws for Father’s Day (the birthday party was the day before) and my inlaws complained that the person that asked them to host the party did nothing (eg prep food or clean up afterwards – note: she has a physical disability and is legally blind), and they accused the person the party was for of being ungrateful because he didn’t say much (he is a quiet person). Every time I hear how they talk about other people it makes me less and less wanting to ask them for help. They keep saying they want to watch our daughter but the times we need them are never good for them – maybe that’s a blessing.

    • Amy March

      Totally a blessing. These people obviously have no interest in being helpful. They seem to love being able to talk about how helpful they are, but they are clearly not up for actually doing anything.

      • Eh

        That’s exactly what my friend (who is married to my husband’s cousin) said. She also pointed out that helping us while I was recovering wouldn’t have been a public act. On the other hand they got lots of points for hosting the birthday party.

        • Jess

          Oof. That public show of support is my mom’s thing. If she didn’t do it in public/get loud enthusiastic credit for it, it didn’t happen and therefore wasn’t worth doing.

          • Eh

            My SIL had surgery a few months ago and my inlaws watched my nieces for four days. My inlaws posted pictures of my nieces on FB the whole time. We have asked them not to post pictures of our daughter on FB (they still do sometimes) so babysitting for us wouldn’t get them the same public recognition.

          • Jess

            blergh.

  • Her Lindsayship

    Can I get a little advice? Fiancé and I visited a venue yesterday that was PERFECT (beautiful, accessible, way cheaper than other stuff in our area, very nice staff, super flexible about what vendors we use and how we use their space, has personal significance for us)… except for one thing: it might be too small. It supposedly fits a max of 60 people for a sit-down dinner. Our guest list is just under 80, but some of those I’m confident will not show. And maybe enough won’t show that we would fit anyway. Of course, if we opted to do a cocktail-style reception then it wouldn’t even be an issue. But somehow that wasn’t what either of us pictured. Just wanted to see if anyone has gone through this and how they felt about their choice afterward.

    • JC

      If I were you, this would be a “sit with it” decision. In a week, I would either be already imagining a smaller guest list and/or a cocktail-style reception, which is a firm “Yes” in my gut, or I’d still be conflicted over it, which is a firm “No.” Not everyone’s brain works like this, but I think some extra time could make this clearer.

      • Her Lindsayship

        This is great advice just in general. Thank you!

    • Keri

      Imagine that in the end, 65 people RSVP and you have to switch to cocktail. How would you feel about that? If it’s a deal-breaker, then it might be a deal-breaker. On the other hand, how firm is the 60 guests? Could you add a little tent or something, for example, or will they make some exceptions if you need to? And, if you say sit-down at first and then have to switch to cocktail, will that be okay with them? All questions to think about/ask yourself and the venue.

    • Violet

      We invited 76, the venue max, because I was SO convinced that the 80% yes rate rule of thumb only applied to larger invite lists. Nope. We were definitely under the max, and that was even with a last minute priest inviting himself and his wife to the reception (???). I think if you invite 80 when the max is 60, you’ll probably be fine.

    • Eenie

      ME! We originally chose our venue because it was the only one that had sit down style room for 100 (our guest list, we didn’t want to chance it). We booked it, and then they showed us how little space we would have if we did sit down, and we switched to cocktail style. Everyone love it (80ish guests showed up). I was worried about the space seeming too big, but it really let us visit with our guests and eat a little bit of food all night (but we had a taco bar for more substantial “meal”). Highly, highly recommend if you can get yourself excited for it. Or you can book it, and switch to cocktail if you get an overwhelming Yes response?

      • Her Lindsayship

        Thanks for your input, I’m kind of thinking along the same lines as that last sentence. Did you offer seating for some? I know we’d need to let the grandparents and a few others sit, but I’m trying to imagine how that would work and it seems awkward.

        • Eenie

          Yeah we did. There were seats all around the dance floor (which were also by the open windows), some high top tables, and them maybe 10 tables. We trusted our venue to do cocktail style. They delivered. It also meant if you were standing you might as well dance, so we had a packed dance floor.

    • chrissyc

      Is there any spill-over space? I’ve been to weddings before where it was tight during the sit-down meal, but they had chairs and cocktail tables outside to give people some breathing space before and after the meal. It worked well.

      • Her Lindsayship

        There are a couple other spaces we would get with the rental, but they would feel very separate – so there’s the one big room, then a room that connects to it sort of diagonally (so no one sitting in there would really feel like part of the party), then a library-type room upstairs with a large balcony we’d be using for cocktail hour. So it seems quite workable, I just hate the idea of people being really uncomfortably squished at dinner. Maybe they wouldn’t mind too much if it’s really only tight while they’re eating…

        • chrissyc

          I agree, I definitely think it’s good that everybody has the option to be in the big room and be part of the party like you said. And a bonus room can be great for people who don’t like dancing or want a quieter place to have a conversation.

          Another thing to consider is how quickly you think your people will respond to your RSVP. We have a lot of “maybes” which was irritating but not especially stressful because our space was big enough to accommodate all of the yeses and maybes. But if you’re down to the wire, with 55 yeses and 15 maybes, that could be stressful.

          Personally we chose a bigger venue over our “dream” venue. In hindsight the dream venue would have worked out fine, because far fewer people RSVP’d yes than I expected. Even so, I’m not a risk taking, so I liked knowing for sure that everybody would fit. (Plus I was excited as people RSVP’d yes, instead of panicking how to fit them like I would have with our dream venue.)

          I like JC’s advice below to sit with it–that will help you decide if the venue is worth the risk. Good luck!

        • StevenPortland

          Are there many younger kids in that number of people? You could use one of the other rooms as a kid area. Hire a babysitter to be in there all night and tell the parents that the kids will be eating in there. That gives you more room in the venue for adults. Parents can always have young kids sit in the parent’s lap. We had a kid area with a balloon animal guy and a craft table. The kids really liked hanging out there. During cocktail hour some parents would have one in the kids room and the other enjoying cocktails.

    • Amy March

      I’d be worried, personally. Are there any single guests in your 80 who might become coupled? Any chance someone is going to insist on additions? Is 60 already going to be tight? Being squeezed in is no fun- it gets hot, hard to maneuver, hard for the waitstaff to get around, impossible to navigate to and from a buffet. This venue sounds nice and all, but if it doesn’t fit your people it’s not only not perfect, it’s not meeting minimum specifications.

      • Her Lindsayship

        Ah, 80 is including +1’s for all the single folks, and kids, so it’s definitely the high end. But the rest of your comment is pretty much my wedding nightmare. I appreciate the honesty!

    • Totch

      We fell in love with a venue that sounds just like yours. Cheaper, personal significance, way prettier than our other options, max 30 people. That wasn’t a problem at the time because our guest list was 18. We booked it knowing our list couldn’t grow much, but we wanted a small wedding and were paying for it ourselves. Then family offered to help pay for the wedding, and had natural/reasonable requests about the guest list that nearly meant changing venues.

      We decided to stick with the small wedding vision (and the small venue) and added a few parent-request guests, ending up with with 31 invited guests and 29 planning on attending. We still have 8 months to go (it’s a destination for all our guests, so people are planning early), and I remain nervous about pregnancy announcements and new partners and other things that may add to the guest list and tip us over.

      I still think our venue is worth it, but hovering so close to a strict capacity limit is nerve-racking. Think about what will give you less grief: stress of going over, or regret for not picking this venue.

    • emilyg25

      If you want that venue, I’d plan on a cocktail reception. Generally, the smaller your guest list, the more people accept. For reference, we invited 95 people and had an 85% acceptance rate.

    • Kadee

      Our venue had a few options for type of dinner service and seems to be pretty flexible around making changes as long as we give them enough notice. The one thing we found out (luckily BEFORE we signed a contract) is that whatever you start with in terms of cost for food/beverage (calculated per person) is your minimum. You can always go up, but if your numbers drop your balance does not, and you apply that surplus to upgrading something or adding something to the menu.
      You may ask them about the ability to switch the type of service, and by when they would need to know, or any other things, like the minimum at our venue. Most of the things that change would affect (linens, table and chair rentals, food, etc) won’t be finalized till much closer to the date anyway so you may be able to start with one and switch if rsvps start rolling in and you need to go with plan B.

  • Totch

    Cleveland has a title!!!! It’s been hard to articulate this week, because everyone thinks it’s very nice that we won something but they don’t get how big it is. We’ve always been losers, in pretty much every way. We grow up with this fierce, fighting pride: ready to defend our city at any time, from claims about bad sports and rampant poverty and fire-catching rivers (that are all true). We make the joke before you can. And we love Cleveland so fiercely partly because it can be so hard to love. But this week, for the first time in 52 years, we got to just be winners.

    Also, I spent a solid 16 hours watching the periscope of the Democrats’ sit in at the House, and was really moved by how inspiring it was and how inspired those politicians were to be doing it. It must get pretty tiresome to dedicate your life to public service only to end up in the “do nothing Congress,” and to feel like as a single person you can’t fix it.

    Related to both of these things, more and more I’ve been struggling with the feeling that living in Canada makes me a quitter. That I should be going back home and trying to make a difference there. My chosen work is of the SJW “save the world” variety, so this question is a bit more pointed. I’ve also been struggling with my relationship with American politics: I really care, particularly about local politics, but what right do I have to speak up about it when I plan to stay in Canada?

    • Amanda

      I have only lived in Cleveland for five years, but already I totally get it. I am not even a sports person, but I went to the parade on Wednesday and it was just overwhelming and amazing. The city feels completely different this week.

    • raccooncity

      My spouse’s business has its other office in some small town in Ohio for gross corporate tax evasion reasons and they have been LOSING IT on teleconferences.

      Also: Canada has problems! (Social worker here!) Stay in Canada and help with our problems! or don’t, but as a born and raised Canadian I’m happy to have you making a difference here too.

      • Totch

        It does! The stuff I work on here is like 5 steps ahead of what I’d be doing in the US (cough harm reduction is important cough). That makes it super exciting, and it’s totally impactful, but it also adds a bit to the feeling that Canada needs fewer troublemakers than the US does.

        • raccooncity

          Ughhhh…one day I was giving a friend a ride and she was like “i’m worried about the safe injection site in my community. They make your community less safe, you know. I was like “no.” and stopped the car.

          just…no.

          • Totch

            Thank you. Just, genuinely, thank you.

    • Carolyn S

      I agree that it is probably hard to get really involved in making much difference in local politics from afar. Social media activism is generally preaching to your own choir, and I definitely have felt a little eye-rolly when people are social-media-ing about issues in a town they don’t even live in. But depending on your particular issue of choice, the town you are currently living in probably has a need/way for you to be involved and once you get more informed about your local issues, that might help you feel more invested in your own community and not always looking over the fence wondering what you can do there.

      • Totch

        Yeah, the social media activism is a hard balance. I don’t want to be posting cute dog photos when what I really care about is the House sit in, but I don’t wanna be preachy either. Normally I just get post paralysis and nope out!

        • Carolyn S

          Ha me too! Unless its an urban issue I’m super super super confident in my opinion on I generally steer clear, especially on facebook because my family is all pretty non-aligned with me.

          • Totch

            Yeah, this week I posted that the sit in was really inspiring and meant a lot to me. But I didn’t actually talk about the issue. I sometimes let myself get away with that kind of thing.

    • Amy March

      I don’t think it makes you a quitter, but I do think there’s a lot more room to make a difference at your own local level. Speak up all you want, but I think its never particularly effective as an outsider. I have so many opinions on Brexit, but zero votes, and there’s no reason why anyone in the UK should care what I think.

      • Totch

        You’re right, of course, but there is definitely a dissonance in seeing myself as an outsider to my hometown. Growing up, huh?

        (Also, I do still have the right to vote, and hell will freeze over before I give that up, but it adds to the question about what my role is when I get a vote but won’t live out the results as directly as most Americans)

  • Anon

    You all ready for some good news? My little sis came out as bisexual to our family (and the Internet). So far response has been supportive. Happy!

  • raccooncity

    Cute story about my life that you might want to co-opt for yourselves if you have kids:

    This is a big year for me. In about a 12 month span, I’ll have gotten married, turned 30, finished grad school (if I stop procrastinating on my paper) and become a parent. The turning 30 part is happening this coming week.

    Here’s the part I’m excited about – every year on our birthdays since we were quite little, my mom has taken us out for breakfast and told the story of the day we were born. It evolved over the years depending on circumstance – for example, one year a person in my hometown died tragically so my mother added the fact that she’d seen her at McDonalds the morning before she got induced with me. my sister became a nurse, so I am sure her story is full of medical details now. Needless to say, I can also recite my own story pretty much from memory. This has happened every year regardless of where we were – one year i was at summer camp and she sent it in writing for me to read at breakfast.

    Anyway, this year I’m pregnant so I’m sure the story will have lots about labour and lots about becoming a mom, but it will definitely have new meaning for me. I plan to do this with my own kids someday.

    • Cellistec

      That’s an adorable tradition. At first I misread it and thought you meant that your mom makes up a new wacky story every year, which would be hilarious. Such as “I went into labor while waiting in the getaway car for your father to come running out of the bank, and man did he take his sweet time! At least we had cash on hand for the L&D bills!” But the actual version is awesome too. ;)

      • raccooncity

        No, although that would be delightfully weird. It was more things like how when you’re little you don’t want as much of the gory details. Or how one of my sisters’ births was pretty bad and apparently my mom sugar coated a lot of that until she was older.

        • Cellistec

          Your mom sounds like a fun and thoughtful lady.

        • Totch

          My brother was a preemie, so when he was young the story was always just a cheery “you were born purple!!” and then got more detailed like your sister’s.

      • raccooncity

        ALSO: fun fact for canadian people – speaking of L&D bills, the Drs. were on strike when i was born so they had to pay cash for my birth in the 80s, long after universal health insurance was a thing… just a weird historical footnote.

      • toomanybooks

        My mom was in labor with my sister during the OJ Simpson car chase… Close enough to the getaway car story! Lol

    • Totch

      So sweet. My mom does something similar, I think I’d try to combine them! On your birthday, my mom will periodically look at the clock and go “at this time (your age) ago, we were just getting to the hospital” or “you were 1 hour old and meeting your siblings for the first time,” etc.

      It really is a wonderful thing to know so many details, and yeah, to get different details every year.

    • emilyg25

      My coworker has a tradition where every year on their birthdays, her husband tells the kids their birth story. I love that. Dads have a different perspective of the whole thing and they aren’t given an opportunity to share it.

      • Olive

        That’s such a great idea!

      • raccooncity

        One time (not on a birthday) my dad told me some little story about the day I was born and I immediately knew the corresponding part of my mom’s story, but I realized I’d never heard from him about it. Unfortunately he’s not in a super-healthy relationship so he basically pretends nothing about his previous marriage ever happened 90% of the time, so those little stories are few and far between. I wish I knew the whole story from his POV.

        We also realized a few years ago that my sisters and I had never heard ANYTHING about each other’s stories. And not only that, as the oldest, it never occurred to me that I was a ‘character’ in my sisters’ stories, because they’re obviously not in mine. It’s just a private thing we do alone with mom at breakfast-time before we go have adult birthday fun with our families or friends.

  • Laurel

    From what I’ve been reading, British Millennials didn’t turn out for the Brexit vote in great numbers. I don’t think we can complain if we don’t even vote.

    • raccooncity

      I was just wishing I could find a breakdown of TURNOUT by age, because the overall turnout was pretty good. But that would add a super important dimension to the analysis of the generation gap. because the youngest generation was less split on the issue than the oldest.

  • nutbrownrose

    I was reading the article about “makeup tax,” and I just had to come back here to laugh at “And what about the worker who makes $28,000 working two part time jobs?” Because I work one full-time job, and make as much as I did working two part-time jobs, and I make $12,000 a year after taxes if I’m lucky and don’t get cut all the time. I WISH I made $28,000 a year. Hell, I’d settle for $20,000 a year and consider it a vast improvement.
    Where are these part time jobs that pay a combined $28,000 a year, and where can I sign up for them?

    • toomanybooks

      Yeah, I feel like I’ve seen some articles on Facebook lately with titles about how shocking and tragic it is that some people in (name profession) only make $20,000 a year!!!, and then everyone commenting “I know (people in that profession) who WISH they made that much.”

  • Ceri

    ‘Xenophobia: dislike of or prejudice against people from other countries’. So as a Brit reading this article, I’d like to thank you Stephanie for tarring us all with the same brush. Pot calling the kettle black?
    And since when has it been decided we’re not going to be allowed to travel abroad? Do your research before commenting on foreign affairs!

    • Anon for This

      If you can call people a name, you don’t have to really look at the details of an issue. It’s the easy way out.

      Do like I do. Ignore anything political on APW and just come here for wedding stuff. This is not the place for in depth political analysis, so I’m not sure what purpose it even serves. It’s all sound bytes and glossing over as far as I can tell.

      There are plenty of places online where points on both sides of an issue are taken seriously and discussed. Go to those places for your politics. But, yeah, I get your anger and yeah it’s a hilarious stance that no one can travel to other countries in the EU anymore. Hyperbole anyone?

  • nutbrownrose

    I seriously just want it to be July 20, because we’re finally MOVING! And it’s to Seattle, which is my hometown and I’m so excited to be going back. But also terrified, because how does one adult while in the same state as one’s parents? I have never done this. Good terrified, good excited, but AHHH!

    • Not Sarah

      Woo! Welcome almost back :)

      • nutbrownrose

        I’m gonna be in a place where it might be possible to meet internet friends in person! That’s been basically impossible since I moved to Iowa for college, so you just reminded me! There are so many more people there! And mountains! And forests! And ocean! (I’m vibrating with excitement right now)

        • Not Sarah

          Yes! I <3 Seattle and hope to never leave here :)

          • nutbrownrose

            Now to convince the FH that Seattle is also his dream city. (I promised this wasn’t forever and I was up for adventures elsewhere after the wedding next summer, but if a dream job smacks one of us while we’re there, what am I to say but stay?)

    • Ashlah

      Boundaries! I’m betting most people live in the same state as their parents (or same city, like me and my husband!), and the key is boundaries! You’ll probably see them more often, sure, but go about your life as usual. They don’t need to be any more involved in your adulting than they have been. If they try to push their way in, communicate your boundaries and be firm in sticking with them.

      • nutbrownrose

        I’m actually more concerned about me running to my mom for everything and forgetting how to adult. Especially since we’ll be living with her for a hot minute while we find jobs (no one will hire us from Iowa, even though to all intents and purposes we have my mom’s address already) and then an apartment.

  • kaydee

    I am feeling pretty bummed out re: venues today. We’ve looked at a few, and either they are inappropriate or, despite meeting all the needs for the event we want, don’t accept weddings. I feel like the only options are “place you could love that slams the door when you say the w-word” or “place with a cost that makes you faint.” There’s gotta be something else, right?

    • toomanybooks

      Ugh, I had this problem – it seemed like there was nothing in between spending $100 and spending $5,000. The $100 (or whatever the number was) option I was looking into was for picnic pavilions/shelters on government-owned parks, which was looking promising for a while. I ended up not being able to find what I was looking for in that arena and eventually went with a government-owned historic mansion instead (which was more money than a park wedding but less than a lot of other places). So these things might be the “something else” you’re looking for? Idk your price range but I’m in DC and I found some interesting options but went with my venue because I just had a good feeling about it (namely, the good feeling that I was finally going to book the venue and wouldn’t have to stress about it anymore – but it is gorgeous).

      • kaydee

        Having taken a moment to be boggled by the idea of $100 (I’m in LA; the places rejecting us are 2K, the places that market as wedding venues are like, 6.5-7K and way, way up) I’m glad you mentioned parks! I’d forgotten, but there are a lot of historic-mansion type places in our parks department, and ~they are under 2K!!~ So I have new sites for the potential venues list.

    • emilyg25

      Also check community halls.

    • Olive

      Not sure if it’s an option for your area, but we got married at a YMCA summer camp about 30 minutes outside of a city. It was absolutely beautiful, reasonably priced, and the food & service were top notch.

  • toomanybooks

    My fiancée was on a business trip for a few days – I missed her but on the very last day I cleaned ALL THE THINGS (well, except the bedroom, which is still full of stuff we haven’t quite unpacked) and I felt really good about how productive I was when I had the place to myself! I also just got a ton of storage/organizational type stuff from Target so that our bathroom cabinet isn’t just a trash pile and I finally have someplace to put all the spare sets of sheets taking up space in our closet. I’m looking forward to getting it all together because I finally live in an apartment that will look great when it’s all cleaned up. (And it will be cool to walk around without hopping over heaps of clothes and blankets.)

    • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

      Yay for productivity! It’s such a good feeling to get everything organized. I realized a few years ago that it stresses me out to have to walk around piles, and so I quite enjoy cleaning up now.

  • Cellistec

    Ok, here’s something I wish I’d found during the discussion on “do I want kids?” earlier this week: seeking a meaningful life instead of a happy one (though I’m certain there’s lots of overlap) http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/happy_life_different_from_meaningful_life

    • Olive

      Thanks for sharing!

  • Rebecca

    Ok, so I’ve been waiting all week for happy hour so I can ask you all:
    At some point, on APW, I read in a comment a fantastic suggestion for a wedding reading that talked about how love in a marriage isn’t all unicorns and rainbows and magic, but something that you choose every day – you choose to keep loving your partner even when you hate them, etc.
    I’ve been through the comments on the threads about choosing your readings, and I’ve done Google searches for unromantic, realistic, pragmatic, unusual, non-traditional readings, and although I’ve found some good ones, I haven’t found the one I’m looking for.
    Does anyone know what I’m talking about? Please help!

    • Lulu

      I started to google “love is a choice,” and the auto-fill suggestion was “love is a battlefield,” so you could always go in that direction…

    • Alison

      Although it doesn’t directly say “marriage is a choice,” we used an excerpt from Mere Christianity by CS Lewis as one of our readings because it was an eyes wide open view of marriage: https://barbarah.wordpress.com/2009/02/14/c-s-lewis-on-love/

      • Rebecca

        Thank you! We aren’t religious, but I really love this reading!

    • Jess

      Ones we considered, which I got from an APW reading round-up and may be what you’re looking for?

      “Gift of the Sea” by Anne Morrow Lindbergh:
      When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity – in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern.
      The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what was in nostalgia, nor forward to what it might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now. Relationships must be like islands, one must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits – islands, surrounded and interrupted by the sea, and continually visited and abandoned by the tides.

      Robert Senghas:
      “Each of us was brought into the world without any decision of his own; each of us was stamped with the condition of mortality from the moment of conception. And so, of the three most significant events in our lives, birth, marriage and death, it is only in marriage that we have the full power of personal decision.
      In marriage the greatest courage will be required. We shall be put to the test of continuing to accept husband or wife with all defects revealed; but beyond this we shall be faced with the anguish of having to accept our own weaknesses. And this is the most difficult of all that is required of us: to accept that we are not as we should like to think we are, and that we are not as we should like the world to think we are.
      But marriage also offers us the condition for the supreme fulfillment of human life: for our acceptance of our spouse with all the strengths and weaknesses, our works of love for our companion in marriage and for our children, and above all our acceptance of ourselves as we are, all these open us to receive the very ground of our being; all these bring us to the glory of existence.”

      • Rebecca

        Thanks, I’d seen Gift of the Sea before, but not the Senghas one!

        • Jess

          Sure! If I find another one during my research, I’ll pop it over.

          I like the Senghas one a lot, although I get a bit iffy on “Marriage as fulfillment” words, which was why we ultimately steered clear. We may use some excerpts from the CS Lewis one posted below me!

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  • Ella

    The UK leaving the EU is NOT a bad thing! This isn’t as simple as abortion or gun control – there are no right answers. I went against my demographic to vote leave, and I don’t regret it. The leave campaign has been marred by xenophobia, yes, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t very good reasons to leave. Please Americans (and other nationalities) check your facts before judging and consider what you would really do in the same situation.

    • Ella

      We lose certain benefits it’s true. We also lose a lot of huge disadvantages.

    • Anon

      100% agree with you, but you have to know that APW slants far left, so don’t expect any examination of possible benefits.

    • CMT

      It already has, and will continue to negatively impact the world economy. Don’t think that just because we’re not there, we don’t know anything about it. This was a decision that is going to impact the whole world, so we are definitely allowed to have opinions about it.

    • JenC

      When I first saw the comment that the whole of the UK was xenophobic I was so upset with APW, it’s such an unfair generalisation and it shows how little the media has truly portrayed of this referendum. The world has focused on solely on immigration, I understand why because the media here focused wrongly on immigration, especially with Nigel Farage making his views so vocal. However, I would like to say that for the majority of people I’ve spoken to about the referendum, everyone seriously considered the facts from all sides beyond immigration. Those who didn’t vote, chose not to vote as a result of not knowing which way to vote and determining that this was too big of a decision to risk. I will admit that there are people in the UK who have to leave purely based on immigration but for each one of those votes there is someone who has voted to remain ‘because it’s the non-racist choice’ and not considered anything beyond that. I was on the fence right up until the vote, I decided to remain. However, I’m just so upset with this country right now and the rest of the world for labelling the entire country as xenophobic. I’m so upset with the other remain voters for how they’re behaving. There was so much more to this vote.

      Also APW, what you missed in your article was that ‘what happens now’ was trending along with ‘what is the EU’. This is because actually nobody has been able to accurately predict the changes. Yes it’s worrying that that ‘what is the EU?’ trended but a lot of people felt pressured to vote and the campaign from both sides has been utterly focused on the wrong thing and ‘backed up’ with exaggerated numbers and lies. We have been lied to by our government and on Friday morning both sets of voters realised the extent to which we’ve all been lied to. Finally, whilst there are a lot of articles doing the rounds about the 75% of young people who would have voted to remain. That survey is based on a yougov poll. The latest yougov poll estimated that it would 52% remain, 48% leave. During the last general election they predicted that the conservative government wouldn’t win and during the Scottish referendum they predicted that Scotland would leave the UK. They get it wrong. Quite a bit. The survey based on these results was a survey of 1,652 people. 46.5 million people were registered to vote with 72% actually voting. That yougov survey represents approximately 0.005% of the population that voted, or about 5 people per voting region (and given yougov’s tendancy to be wrong I wouldn’t read too much into that). The number of people surveyed can be seen under the graphs on this article – http://m.huffpost.com/uk/entry/uk_576cd7d6e4b0232d331dac8f?edition=uk. From the people I’ve spoken with the votes were split pretty evenly over all the demographics. Everyone has their own reasons for choosing to leave or remain and not all are related to immigration.

  • Lisatmalone4
  • Salomon

    I do not promote Xenophobia or hateful behavior. People should understand that we are all human beings. I find comfort in listening to some of the songs of Meghan Trainor. http://ow.ly/ERDX301Ejg6

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