5 Ways You Can Take Advantage of My Wedding

wedding reception at home

Lately, I’ve been receiving quite a bit of wedding advice in the form of lists. Normally, I abhor any attempts at advice giving, because I already know everything, obviously. Furthermore, I generally dislike wedding enthusiasm. And while I’ve come across a multitude of lists for pregnant brides (hide your discomfort between two pairs of shoes and a glass of sparkling grape juice!), second marriage (shameful whore) brides, awful brides (we have to remind you to treat your loved ones with respect because you’re being a douchecanoe), I don’t necessarily find a lot of advice for wedding guests—or if I do, these nuggets of wisdom answer somewhat adolescent questions like “I’ve been invited to a wedding—do I have to attend?” or tips on how not to act like a drunk a**hole (the secret: don’t binge drink. Or just hide your vomit behind the wedding cake table). But where are the tips for the non-traditional, slightly narcissistic yet amicable wedding guest? Don’t you deserve some hints tailored to your needs, resting generously outside the realm of what not to wear during a summer wedding? I think yes. So, here are:

Five tips on how to use my wedding to fulfill your wildest fantasies (most of which I definitely did not glean from GQ articles)

1. Acquire an entourage: Listen, we all know there’s a hierarchy to wedding guests, and when you get your table number, you’re faced with the unadulterated truth of your ranking in the hearts of the bride and groom. How do you combat the feelings of self-hatred and regret for not sending that “Congratulations on Your Engagement” card? Rouse the troops, dear friend. There are other lowlies out there just like you, waiting for a way to rise to the top of any table, a.k.a., your ticket to a night of one-time-only popularity. The difference between you and other wedding cake crumbles? Ambition and a great friggin’ smile.

2. Become a wedding party groupie: This may require some pre-planning/spying/ass-kissing on your part in order to acquire an outfit that will “accidentally” look like the wedding party get up, and insider knowledge of their pre-wedding whereabouts. It’s so funny that you just happen to show up at the hotel where everyone’s about to ride in the rimmed-out stretch limo filled with bottles of champ and Hennessy (bad combination)! If you act casually and dress appropriately, no one will ever know, especially if you’re the one poppin’ tops on bottles and starting rounds of “For he’s a jolly good fellow.” (Pro tip: Works great with large wedding parties.)

3. Use the wedding trip as a tax write-off: You may have to get a tad creative with this one, but with the help of business cards and your Google calendar, you can at least write off cab fare to and from a business meeting consulting five drunk party guests on stock portfolios, marketing their new chihuahuas-only grooming service or… whatever it is you corporate people do for a living. Who knows, maybe you’ll get some new clients you could later sleep with after an awkward dinner. Originally, my best example of this was suggesting to my sex-pert friend to sack a bridesmaid with a new sex toy she had to review.

4. Shag the wedding party: Ok, ok. I know this is like, THE ONE TIP every wedding guest knows coming out of the womb. But I’m not suggesting you sleep with merely one of the wedding party. No, no. I’m saying: SLEEP WITH EVERYONE. How rad would you be at the office cooler the next morning? No, you didn’t sleep with that hot bridesmaid/groomsman, you slept with ALL those hot bridesmaids/groomsmen. And believe me, my wedding party is SUPER FINE, so you’ll pretty much want to hit it like Peter Gabriel’s sledgehammer. (Pro tip: Combine #4 with #2 for maximum shaggage, and for help in avoiding those pesky significant others.)

5. Reinvent yourself: You remember Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion, and how it catapulted itself into my top five movies of all time? You know why? It was about the power of reinvention, and contained the greatest mini-monologue about Post-its ever. Think of it this way: at my wedding, you’ll know basically no one, so why not be someone totally different than your normally “meh” self? Even if your normal self is better than “meh,” take the opportunity to try on a different pair of shoes. Preferably the neon platforms with sparkles.

Live it up, people. I only plan to get married once.

Featured Sponsored Content

  • Christine

    Love this post!
    To my guests:
    -Sorry my friends are mostly coupled-up…but the single friends I have are HOT…go at it!
    -The alcohol is already paid for….go at it!
    -Enjoy the city where I live, there’s lots of awesome stuff here so don’t just sit in the hotel!
    -I LOVE that you came to my wedding…You can thank me for inviting you by having an awesome time!

  • KB

    This post is awesome :-) I feel like older guests already know #3 – I can totally see the business cards being passed out as we speak…

    I also have to add a tip – since you will probably have 6-8 weeks before your target date, acquire a special talent that will get you attention and/or laid. It would be as simple as a duck call or complicated as break-dancing. But the more “visual” it is, the higher chances there are of you being in a majority of the reception photos, thereby cementing your place as the Cool Wedding Guest.

  • JEM

    best. post. ever.

  • PA

    I still can’t stop sniggering at “douchecanoe.” I think this will be a fixture of my wedding week. “Hey, if at any point I turn into a raging bitch, can you just remind me that I’m being a douchecanoe? I will be laughing too hard to be mad, and everything will work itself out.”

    Loved this post!

  • Moe

    I just *snortled* at my desk.

  • Brytani

    I will be in three weddings this year while my husband is deployed (kind of a rain cloud, even on the most awesome occasions). I will definitely be taking up tip number 5, even if no invitation to do so is extended, just because funsies will be owed to me.

    • XO

      Yes! I went without my permanent boyfriend to my cousin’s wedding last month (only engaged/married partners were invited), so I “reinvented myself” as a strutting, red lipstick-wearing lady (I usually stick to concealer, mascara and lip balm) and it was so much fun. My grandmother told me I looked like Thoroughly Modern Millie. Also, I rarely get to go out dancing, so at weddings I like to really tear it up! The best memory I have from that wedding was definitely dancing to “Call Me Maybe” with my dad.

  • “Douchcanoe.”

    I hope this one catches on.

  • Shiri

    This was amazing. Especially because I came into it thinking she was talking about how she learned to take advantage of her own wedding… and because she said “douchecanoe”.

  • YES. Where were you when I got married last year?!

  • way too good.

  • Margret

    Can I just say how much I *LOVE* #2? I’m “never the bridesmaid, always the friend running errands/bridesmaid’s date.” One of the weddings I went to this summer my dress was the same color as the bridesmaids’s (totally an accident). Since we’re young (22), and most of our friends are the same age my husband and I have literally been the only people our age outside the bridal party at a number of nuptial celebrations we’ve been to, and making friends with the bridesmaids/groomsmen almost guarantees an invitation to the after party! Tip: be fun, outgoing, and a flask in your clutch always helps :)

    • Last summer (ie, 2012), I accidentally wore the same hue of eggplant that the bridal party was wearing. Also, they weren’t all wearing the same dress, so it really did look like I was a stray member of the party. And I didn’t even really know the couple at the time! Ooops.

  • Adi

    Please tell me you’re using “douchecanoe” as an homage to the Bloggess :)

    • haha! No, originally I heard it from my friend Anna Pulley. But I do love the Bloggess and would credit it to her as well!

  • Anya

    Love it! Now, how can I send this over to my wedding guests? I particularly like the idea of someone becoming king of the outcast table. Not that I have any, mind you, but that would be awesome.

  • Jaime

    Love this post!

  • Sarah

    Awesome! One cautionary note on the shagging: in my case, the bridesmaids were mostly married or gay (and gorgeous). It was veerrryyy interesting trying to convince the menfolks that the awesome chicks would do shots with them, dance with them, and plot practical jokes with them…but would not sleep with them. Despite the multiple “if you had a sister” and “my girlfriend” and “the hot lesbian one” mentions. Le sigh.

  • I want to high-five this post.

  • Pingback: Not the Marrying Type: Rage Against the Pinterest | TactlessGrace()

  • My tip at our wedding was to ride the donkey. I mean, LITERALLY, ride the [wooden] donkey. And someone did.

    Sometimes the strangest advice is the best.