What Bullshit Problems Are People Making up for Your Wedding?


I got 99 problems, but this ain’t one

by Maddie Eisenhart, Chief Revenue Officer

Bride and groom sitting with bridal bouquet

Have you noticed the thing that happens during wedding planning, where suddenly all real-world logic starts to fail people? You might see it manifest in things like:

  • Your dad insisting that a wedding isn’t real unless there’s steak on the menu.
  • Your mom freaking out that people won’t understand how to get from the hotel to the venue without written instructions. (It’s 2017, y’all. GPS is here to stay.)
  • Your sister telling you that you won’t look “bridal” if you wear your hair down.
  • Your mother-in-law telling you people will leave your rehearsal dinner if you just have beer and not white wine.

It’s like weddings make us forget that we are all adults who successfully move through the world on a daily basis.

Case in point: a friend is throwing a bridal shower for her sister this month. She’s booked a private room at a local bar-and-restaurant that also features an arcade, candlepin bowling, and a bocce court. And a mutual friend confided in me that she’s really worried the guests may show up not knowing if they are expected to bowl or bocce. And when I say really worried, I mean really worried. Like this potential confusion could take down the whole event. And while I’m pretty sure that when you show up at a party with bowling, bocce, and an arcade, you generally get a drink and dive in, I’m also not currently making up problems for other people’s weddings.

With four friends getting married this year, this isn’t the first story of this nature I’ve heard. Folks invent imaginary problems for your wedding all the time. (Which is super convenient, because I’m sure you don’t have any real problems to deal with.) So here’s my question: What plane of reality are your people existing on these days? What problems are they making up for you, big or small?

what’s the weirdest thing someone has said to you about your wedding? What inane problems have been invented that you didn’t think could possibly exist?

Maddie Eisenhart

Maddie is APW’s Chief Revenue Officer. She’s been writing stories about boys, crushes, and relationships since she was old enough to form shapes into words, but received her formal training (and a BS) from NYU in Entertainment and Mass Media in 2008. She now spends a significant amount of time thinking about trends on the internet and whether flower crowns will be out next year. A Maine native, Maddie currently lives on a pony farm in the Bay Area with her husband, Michael and their mastiff puppy. Current hair color: Purple(ish).

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  • louise danger

    – dad is convinced that it won’t be a wedding if he doesn’t get to give me away [at a catholic wedding, where no one is given away ever the end – talking with the deacon about this tonight]; on a related note,
    – mom seems pretty sure that a deacon isn’t able to marry us/isn’t official [and i am learning that my Christmas/Easter protestant upbringing is apparently making our we’re-both-Catholic wedding an interfaith affair];
    – mom is also convinced that the lack of dancing/music at our [weekday, lunch at a restaurant] reception is The Singular Worst Wedding Thing Imaginable™

    through this whole process, a theme with mom has also been that if i’m not spending $$$$ on some given thing (decor, paper goods, whatever), then it must needs be Less Than something that costs a fortune. even if it’s less spendy but more personal (like yarn pompoms, or invitations i design and a friend is printing).

    ….honestly though things are pretty chill outside of the mom-drama

    • RNLindsay

      this came up in Happy Hour too… but as a born and raised Catholic I have never once seen/heard of the Father of the Bride NOT walking the bride down the aisle. It was not suggested in our pre-cana or during the meetings with our priest that I not walk in with my dad. I don’t know what the Catholic church’s actual teachings on the subject are but it definitely is something that *is done* within the Catholic church and my dad walked me down.

      • Amy March

        Agreed- formally giving away as part of the ceremony maybe not, but walking down the aisle is absolutely commonplace.

  • Emily

    My mother told me that if we served cocktail hour drinks in plastic glasses, no one would stay for dinner. Cocktail hour was outside, on a cement patio/wooden dock. FWIW, no one left and also no one dropped their drink, shattered their wine glass, cut themselves on said glass and had to have stitches.

    • idkmybffjill

      Lol! “no one will stay for dinner”. That is hilarious.

    • Kalë

      Valid concern. I generally leave parties (especially weddings) if cocktails are served in anything besides the finest stemware, because I only consume beverages out of crystal and diamond goblets and THE AUDACITY of people to serve me drinks in anything but

      • Jess

        And if the plates at dinner are anything but pure gold, I am walking out. (eyeroll)

      • Emily

        I’ve seen the woman drink Franzia out of a plastic coffee mug…like, who was she kidding?

      • Jan

        So you’re basically Lil Kim in Lady Marmalade. THIS IS A WIN.

    • That’s hilarious. I’m imagining all of your guests having a vampire-to-holy water reaction to plastic… Because that is literally the only scenario that would make someone leave a wedding over the material choice of the glasses.

      • NolaJael

        Exactly one time in my life I refused to accept a drink because it was served in plastic, but that was indoors at a “swanky” bar and it was a $13 martini (before tip). You put that shit in a glass, sir. BUT, I have never ever refused a free drink in a plastic cup. ;-)

        • Oh yeah, fully legit. If it’s $13 cocktail, the material becomes relevant real fast. (See also, whether or not you are using The World’s Cheapest Olives as a garnish.)

    • Violet

      LOL. “I quit this wedding in protest!”

    • toomanybooks

      I was seeing how many under-21s we’d have at our wedding to count them off the number of people we needed to buy alcohol for so I asked my parents the ages of children of family friends who seemed like they could be on either side of 21 and I wasn’t sure. My dad was like, “Oh, yeah right, they’ll be drinking anyway” and I was like “NO THEY WON’T, we can’t give alcohol to minors at my wedding!!!” while he maintained his “teens will be teens” attitude (certainly not based on me or my sister, so, idk why he was so sure, but, classic dad).

  • Ashlah

    Man, I think I got really lucky with the people around me, because I was definitely my own worst enemy when it came to silly concerns. I had people talking me down when I was so worried people would be confused by the booze being in a different place than the food, or that no one would possibly dance without an actual dance floor, or whatever else I’ve since forgotten about because it was all fine. If anyone was put off by any aspects of our wedding, they kindly kept it to themselves, and I love them for it.

  • Katelyn

    Our Catholic gap. It’s going to be about 3 hours, which was unfortunately the only option. I get that it’s something to consider, and we are going to make sure our guests are taken care of within reason. But our moms are just SO OBSESSED with it – one offering to rent a space in between, which is $500 plus food and drink.

    We’re going to be in downtown Chicago. There is parking at the ceremony and reception. The hotel that we’re hoping to book will be 20 minutes away. We will have a shuttle. I feel like our obligation to our guests has been fulfilled at this point.

    • Kaitlyn

      In my family, we use the Catholic gaps to go back to the hotel, freshen up, maybe nap, and pre-game the reception haha I don’t think you really need to book anything other than providing a list of suggestions to fill the time (local restaurants, etc).

      • sofar

        And it can be a great time to catch up with folks you never get to see in a more low-key environment (coffee, bar). Or freshen up and get alone-time.

      • NolaJael

        Naps! The last Catholic wedding I was at I *really* needed that nap time because the jet lag was killing me. Lifesaver!

      • Kalë

        Naaaap!

    • idkmybffjill

      People who have been to Catholic weddings understand the Catholic gap and will survive. It will all be totally fine.

      • Sara

        This concept is foreign to me… and I live in a majority Catholic city and was raised Catholic. I feel so in the dark now! Why is there a gap?!

        • idkmybffjill

          Lol! I’m not catholic but I think it’s due to chapel times. Like most catholic churches only do ceremonies at say, 3pm… and most receptions start at 6ish.

          • Sara

            Gotcha! :) We must have very accommodating churches around here then, weddings tend to be at either 6 or 7pm.

        • Lisa

          It’s because Saturday evening masses typically start around 4-5 PM so wedding parties have to clear out before then. Our church only offered masses at 1 and 3 on Saturday afternoons, but if you have a smaller church or are getting married on a Friday, they tend to be more flexible with the timing.

    • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

      I call that the introvert’s dream. I get to chill out and take a break from talking to people? YESPLS.

      • sofar

        Plus if it’s a fancy wedding… I get to have two wedding looks. Daytime church look and evening-wear look with plenty of time to change.

        • Amy March

          Yeah it’s not my preferred timeline but honestly I’d much rather change and entertain myself than hang out in some rented room for three hours!

          • Meredith

            Same. I had never been to a wedding like this before because I have only been to small town Catholic weddings, but my cousin had a 4 or 5 hour gap in San Diego and it was so nice actually! My immediate family got lunch and had extra sight seeing time.

    • Kay

      In downtown Chicago? People will be fine! Even the curmudgeons who choose to use the 3 hours to complain will be able to find a nice bar or coffee shop to do it in.

      • emmers

        Yes! Plenty to do in Chicago, and if not, they can always nap at the hotel. :)

    • This was totally a made up problem for our wedding too! (Not Catholic, just had a gap for some set-up, photography and transportation reasons.) I spent a fair amount of time worrying about it and asking other people about it and reading APW threads about it and in the end it was not a big deal AT ALL. It felt like just the right amount of time for people to make their way from our church to our reception venue. Sure a few people showed up early to the reception but we made sure to have the bar ready, even if the caterers were still prepping. It was not a problem and 3 weeks after the wedding, no one has mentioned it to me.

    • M

      I went to a wedding in downtown Chicago that had the Catholic gap. It was awesome. My husband and I were traveling from California so it gave us extra time for him to meet my college friends and he got to try Chicago deep dish. (I grew up in Indiana; I’ve had it before.)

    • somanypseudonyms

      totally off-topic and weird, but apparently my mother went to an extended-family picnic yesterday and discovered *her* cousin’s son (I have never met these people) is getting married in downtown Chicago [Catholic wedding] the same day that *I’m* getting married in downtown Chicago [arty warehouse], and I have a feeling this is going to be A Thing. So, uh, if you’re also August 12th and have extended family in southern Ohio, you might be my future-first-cousin-once-removed-in-law!

      Also: you have MORE than covered the needs of the Catholic gap by just being in a city! mommmms whyyyyyy

    • Amy Sigmon

      There are approximately 82 billion ways to keep busy in Chicago for a couple hours. There’s a Starbucks on every other corner, you can nap in your hotel room, go stare at the Bean. No worries. We had a “Catholic gap” at our Methodist wedding because of needing to take pictures. Everyone survived.

    • LAinTexas

      We attended the wedding of one of my closest friends almost two years ago now, and while they both attended Catholic school growing up, she doesn’t practice it and was pretty against a Catholic ceremony. She ended up compromising with the groom’s parents on having the ceremony in a Catholic church, having some parts of a traditional Catholic mass in the ceremony, but she completely refused to have a full Catholic mass, which apparently his parents continued to push for until right up to the wedding. Then, there was basically a 5-hour gap between the ceremony and the reception. We live out-of-state now, and to save some money, we’d decided to stay at my boyfriend’s brother and (now ex) sister-in-law’s house about an hour away. So, we had to drive over for the ceremony, drive all the way back for a few hours, and then drive halfway back in the same direction to the reception (which thankfully was closer to us than the church). We found a way to make it work, and, of course, we didn’t complain about it to them, but…it is kind of a pain, I have to agree.

      • LAinTexas

        Oh, the other great (and totally unrelated) part of this story is that their priest, whom they’d been having meetings with and such things, GOT THE DATE WRONG and didn’t show up! People were trying to call him and find out where he was, and apparently he wasn’t answering, so naturally, people assumed he’d been in some kind of accident or something. The priest who had been there to open the church to let them in to get ready and whatnot ended up having to officiate the ceremony, and he didn’t know my friends at all. He made a couple of un-feminist comments that definitely made those of us who know the bride well cringe, and he kept having to turn off his mic and whisper questions to them, and we could see them nodding or shaking their heads no. It wasn’t until later that we found out their own priest had just gotten the date wrong, which was why he didn’t show up. The ceremony started at least 30 minutes late because of this – so I guess, in that sense, it’s a good thing they had such a big time gap!

      • Katelyn

        Oh yeah, that does sound like a pain! That’s why I’m trying so hard to find accommodations so close to our events and make sure people have ideas for things to do. I’m sure my parents will have their suite open for any “orphans” who don’t have rooms and don’t want to do anything, but that’s a far cry from the second reception!

        Hopefully no one will feel obligated to drive an hour each way during the gap like you did, but on the same token, I’m not going to hand-hold every guest.

        • LAinTexas

          We totally didn’t expect them to figure out something for us to do. Driving back and forth was inconvenient, but it saved us some money and enabled us to spend some time that trip with my boyfriend’s family. So, whatever. But yes, most of your guests are adults and can figure out what to do with themselves accordingly!

        • Jan

          We’re not having a gap but I mentioned elsewhere in this thread that my MIL is Very Worried that we’re having a Saturday evening wedding and people won’t know what to do with themselves. To assuage her worries we just posted a bunch of ideas for things to do in the area on our website. That’s as much hand-holding as I’m willing to do!

      • Jan

        Oh jeesh, no one invited you to come hang at their house/hotel room? Where’s the Catholic hospitality?! Growing up we always ended up with out of town strangers in our house during the gap– my mom collected them like ferrel cats and made it her mission to feed them for three hours.

        • LAinTexas

          Hahaha! No, no one did. She only invited a couple of us from her college friend group, so of the 175 or so people there, I didn’t know very many (and a couple of the people I did know were bridesmaids, so they were obviously busy taking pictures and whatnot during that time), and my boyfriend didn’t know anyone except the bride and groom. It was fine – one of his parents (can’t remember which one now – they’re divorced) drove over to his brother and sister-in-law’s house to visit with us for a couple of hours in the in-between time.

    • Lisa

      Many of our guests–including my husband’s 90-year-old grandmother and great aunt– used our two hour Catholic gap to go to Three Dots and a Dash and get wasted before the reception. People will find something to do!

  • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

    I just found out from a relative that people had complained about our lack of a meat dish at our wedding last year. Apparently hearty lasagna, veggies, bread and salad just won’t fill people up like a wad of meat. However, my husband and I were able to eat everything at our own wedding, so yay!

    • We’re doing a vegetarian only buffet! My family is one that *always* has meat with every meal, so we just clearly stated on the site that it’s a vegetarian meal served at Xpm. That way, if people really need their meatz, they can eat a burger beforehand and ruin a perfectly good meal.

      • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

        You are kinder than me! When my dad and FIL both mentioned “people need meat!”, we pointed out that they accidentally eat vegetarian all. the. time. Luckily, both of them dropped it.

        • Jessica

          I do not understand the mentality of that–my MIL has the same thing. She once made three different entrees for a family dinner because she couldn’t possibly have just made a dairy-free vegetarian dish to start with *eyeroll*

          • Julia Schnell

            Not wedding-specific, but when I was in grad school I definitely got into an argument with the school’s head of dining services about whether or not having a single meat-free option per day across all the dining halls was really them being “environmentally aware” (as they had started to call themselves). The guy’s response was that they didn’t need to/shouldn’t try to have more veggie options b/c “not eating meat is a *choice* ” and I wanted to shout “SO IS EATING CHOOSING TO MEAT OR LITERALLY ANY OTHER FOOD” but I didn’t because I’m a lady? And we were in public?

        • sara

          We had a groomsman tell us he had never eaten a vegetarian meal in his life (!). Upon pointing out to him that we were pretty certain he had, at one point in his life, eaten a PB&J, grilled cheese sandwich, mac and cheese, etc. he said that didn’t count because he wasn’t INTENTIONALLY eating vegetarian at that meal.

    • Not doing an all vegetarian dinner is one of my low-key wedding regrets. It was kind of a preemptive concession to my in-laws since they were generously covering most of our wedding costs… But I wish I’d gone for it and seen if it was actually a problem, instead of just assuming.

    • savannnah

      We were told that if we don’t serve meat at the wedding, people will be going to McDonald’s afterwards. I smugly told me aunt that there wasn’t a McDonald’s in a 50 mile circumference of our venue. (And we will be serving meat so idk what she was getting on about)

      • Not Sarah

        I’ve totally gone to McDonald’s after a wedding because I didn’t like the food they served. But that’s my problem and not theirs – I’m perfectly fine with it.

        • Amy March

          I’ve been to McDonald’s because the food was just plain bad. But it had plenty of meat!

        • Ashlah

          We went to Taco Bell after our own wedding because it was a long day and we were hungry again. But yeah, I’m with you–it’s not the couple’s responsibility to make sure every single guest will be 100% happy and satisfied with the food. I’m sure they tried, and I’m an adult who can feed myself if it didn’t work for me.

          • So much this. You’re not attending a wedding for some free extraordinary meal made to your liking. You’re attending a wedding because (presumably) you love the couple getting hitched!

        • savannnah

          Agreed. I’ve gone straight from a reception to drunk kebab stand because there was a shortage of food but we never told the bride or her family about it.

    • CA

      Oh my gosh, our venue/event coordinator was very concerned that our chosen menu didn’t have enough meat on it, which was deliberate. It’s a family style dinner and there is a chicken entree and a vegetarian entree. I think his concern suggests a lack of confidence in his own restaurant’s vegetarian food (which is silly because it’s quite good). He actually talked us into adding a seafood side (wasn’t much of a price difference), but I am very skeptical that our guests will somehow judge us or the restaurant for not serving enough meat.

    • Rose

      I went to a wedding last year that was an entirely vegetarian buffet, and it was hands-down the best wedding food I’ve ever had. So good. I’m not vegetarian myself, but I thought it was really good, and totally enjoyed the meal! I don’t know if the couple got any weird comments about it, though.

      • We’re both vegetarians so it just makes sense for our wedding. But yeah, there is some bomb ass vegetarian food out there (shocker to some, I know). And it’s a hella cheap compared to serving meat for dinner (we’re spending about $1000 for around 75 people).

        • Rose

          Yeah, for the one we went to the couple was both vegetarian too. I think the buffet (well, honestly, the entire wedding) was rather different from what the groom’s family would have ever envisioned, but everyone seemed to enjoy themselves as far as I could tell. It was unquestionably better than the fine but kinda bland non-vegetarian buffet from the rehersal dinner the night before (planned by the parents of the groom).

    • Kara

      We served lasagna and chicken Alfredo with salad and bread (no known vegetarians were in attendance), and no one complained. In fact we got lots of compliments because it was 1.) not “sad wedding chicken” and 2.) not BBQ (wedding was in Texas, so BBQ is common).

    • Ilora

      People get so weird about this! Neither my husband nor I (nor any of our guests for that matter) are vegetarian but the majority of our guests agreed that the vegetarian enchiladas at our wedding were the best part of the meal! They were so fantastic and it breaks my heart that the restaurant that did our catering doesn’t serve them any more.

      • idkmybffjill

        We’re not vegetarians either but a TON of our guests were so we had brisket and veggie tamales. Everyone wolfed down the tamales!

    • Laura C

      Whereas my MIL objected strongly to the idea of having our rehearsal dinner catered by our favorite local barbecue place because there wouldn’t be enough vegetarian options. Even though there would have been mac and cheese and several vegetarian salads, including a bean salad so the vegetarians wouldn’t miss out on protein.

    • Diverkat

      This was the biggest sticking point with my MIL. I decided I would cater my own wedding (whut don’t even ask), and as a vegetarian and damn good cook if I do say so myself, I knew I would be able to satisfy everyone. She was Not. Convinced. At. All. She started several fights with my husband, who was thankfully standing up to her about it – in the end though, in her toast, she admitted that it was amazing food and that she would eat her hat. I’d never felt such vindication in my life :)

    • Sara

      Your spread sounds delicious!!

  • Luckily most people have been really supportive, especially my mom who has helped with a lot of the planning. It did however take her a bit of work to wrap her head around the fact that we didn’t want to do a cake and instead have a dessert smorgasbord. “But it’s a symbol that you’re married,” she explained. Uh, no…pretty sure the ceremony takes care of that part.

    The only other big thing I’m probably worried about because it has been mentioned is the heat. We’re doing an outdoor wedding in August, and we’re providing a sunscreen station and ice water station at the entrance. I was kind of stressing out about it, but my partner was just like, “They’re adults. They know how to dress for the heat.” So we’re just trying to be really clear on our wedding site with everything so people will be comfortable and prepared.

    • Jane

      Yeah. We are in a similar boat. Could be a nice 70-75, could be 90. We are also saying on the website that, if it’s hot “we would much rather have people be more comfortable and less fancy than the reverse.”
      Also – if it’s really too hot we may move it indoors. Which would be a bummer, but better than people fainting.

    • Kaitlyn

      I went to a wedding recently that was stupid hot and the sunscreen station and the ice water was much appreciated. If you could splurge on paper/cardboard fans (maybe doubling as programs?), I’d also suggest that.

      • Amie Melnychuk

        We did that! And it was a last minute decision that a lot of guests were pleased with. A run to Dollarama for popsicle sticks and a night of Netflix cutting out heart-shaped fans to give some breeze in the August heat was worth it.

        • idkmybffjill

          I just reskimmed this and thought it said popsicles and that would be an EXCELLENT outdoor favor for people to snack on during a particularly warm ceremony. I’m thinking those ice pop things in plastic to prevent mess? YUM

      • Jessica

        Ice water was key to the wedding I went to last weekend–it made all the difference.

        Also, if I could do something for my cousin it would have been to get our grandma a fancy parasol for the ceremony–she didn’t want just a regular umbrella and refused to use the one I brought with (then complained how warm it was)

      • Ashlah

        We had fans like this at our hot outdoor wedding (not sure where my mom bought them, not necessarily vouching for this site), and they were a huge hit with our guests! We set them out on each chair at the ceremony.

    • emmers

      I’ve been to a couple of 100 degree outdoor weddings. Both were very hot, and very fun. For both, they provided lots of bottled water, which was much appreciated. You will be fine! Your guests will be fine! Hang in there! I think they also had programs that doubled as fans, but really the water was the most key.

      • Jess

        Water and a shady spot to retreat to. I’m cool if that’s a few trees somewhere or a small pop-up tent (like you see at craft fairs) or something. Having the ability to get out of the shade when needed is key, especially for older guests.

        • Amy March

          Yeah I think assuming your guests will be fine sitting outside in 100 degree heat is overly optimistic. Have a back up plan for your outdoor wedding!

    • Michigan Sara

      Good you are telling people the wedding is outside! I went to my friend’s wedding at a Holiday Inn and was then escorted out the backdoor to the unshaded patio/garden for the ceremony. It was Memorial Day weekend and I hadn’t planned to be outside, so I had no sunscreen and ended up pretty burnt, even after spending most of the time waiting for the ceremony to start huddled under a tiny tree.

    • Laura C

      I went to a wedding with a long Indian ceremony outdoors in southern California in July. They had parasols and fans available and a soft drinks station. It was fine.

  • sage

    The one thing that seems to be a PROBLEM for people I know is how “long” our engagement is (it’s 18 months… which is somewhat longer than average but not like 5 years or anything!) And it’s not coming from my parents, family, or close friends either, but just random acquaintances. Oh, what’s that random person from my church who I was not planning to invite anyway? You’re wondering when the wedding is? It’s January 2018, same as last time you asked. Ohhhh, you want to know if I had ever considered that there are so many months between now and then when I could otherwise be getting married? Oh gee, you’re right, I hadn’t considered that, I guess I forgot how calendars work! WTF people?! Why do you care so much and please leave me alone!

    • sofar

      It was almost 20 months for us. And yeah. People are obnoxious about that stuff.

      Good luck to you. People are idiots.

      • Angela’s Back

        Same here!! And we did basically zero planning for the first year of that, we were so lazy… my parents kept asking about a date and I would just say, you know, next fall…

    • Kalë

      Saaaame.. People keep asking “why do you want to wait two whole years!?” First of all, 18 months =/= two years, and second of all, would you like to save up and pay $15-20,000 for our wedding? No? Then yes, we will be waiting THAAAAT LONG because we don’t have Scrooge McDuck cash laying around.

    • penguin

      It’s funny, we got engaged in December and we’re getting married in October. So our engagement is roughly 10 months long… and people always act shocked that we’re getting married THIS year. “Why the rush?” “Are you going to have time to plan it?” And my favorite comment, from my older brother who was hopefully mostly kidding – “Is there some impending reason for the hurry? Am I getting a niece or nephew?” No, and that timeline doesn’t match up at all, ugh.

      • theteenygirl

        We’re having a six month engagement and everyone from family members to random people like work clients have been like “Wait.. THIS September?!!” “That’s SO SOON” “Can you EVEN PULL IT TOGETHER THAT FAST?” “ARE YOU PREGNANT?!?!?!” Like man. Unless you happen to get engaged exactly 1 year from your ideal wedding date it seems like you’re doing it WRONG

        • Jan

          Same. Ours will be 7.5 months. Save for booking a decent venue and caterer, I feel like I could have done it in 3 but people are shocked.

          • theteenygirl

            I have to agree that I probably could have pulled it together in 3 – 4 months but it just worked out to be 6 months because I really wanted to do it in September!

          • Jan

            Us too!

        • Amy Sigmon

          We had a 4 month engagement. Imagine how THAT went down.

        • hermo19

          I am 2 months into a 6 month engagement and I am having to field some of the same concerns. I do logistics for a living, so the thought of being in a planning process for a year or more stresses me out. What’s ironic is the number of absurdly specific questions I got within 2 days of getting engaged regarding my wedding theme/ color palette / venue / mascot / guest list / music selection / etc.

          • penguin

            That was my least favorite thing. “We’re engaged!” “Oh great, where/when is it? What are your colors? Do you have a date yet????” NO I don’t have any of that, we JUST got engaged!!

      • tilbury

        Same! We’ll be getting married in Nov. after a 9 month engagement. Everyone has been so concerned with “getting everything done!!!” But we’re kind of done now, other than RSVPs.

      • Ally Lowe

        We got engaged in April, the date is Feb 2018, and people are an even split of “why so far away” and “can you pull it together by then”. Bitch yes I can because my wedding is for me and not catering to my guests because I’m the meanie unpopular opinion puffin bride.

    • overitatx

      We got in engaged on Christmas Eve 2015 and will be having the wedding in October of this year. It was a huge deal for some reason that we wanted a long engagement. Which is ridiculous considering we’ll have been together six years already by the time we’re married. Plus, I’m not rich and money doesn’t just grow on trees. We needed time to get the funds together so we could have the kind of wedding we wanted.

    • lamarsh

      We also had an 18 month engagement and when my grandma found out that that was our plan, she emailed me to ask if we could move our wedding date up a year because “grandpa and I are healthy now, but you never know…” It took all my energy not to respond, “well if you want to help us plan and pay for a wedding six months from now, please be my guest, but as it is, we need 18 months to get this together.” Fortunately, we got married last month as planned and all grandparents were in attendance, but yeesh, can’t wait till the great-grandchildren pressure begins.

      • theteenygirl

        My friend’s grandparents said the EXACT SAME THING to her.

      • Anna S.

        My grandpa said the same thing to my dad.

      • Katie McBride

        My grandpa visited our Knot site months before the wedding and RSVPed with the note “Hopefully we’re still around then.” Nothing else.

      • penguin

        Wow talk about an attempted guilt trip. My grandpa (of the grandparents we are close to) got diagnosed with terminal cancer a few months before we got engaged. After we were engaged I was talking to my grandma about the wedding, and seeing if maybe we should try and have it sooner to increase the chances of grandpa being able to be there. She said to have it whenever is best for us, and they will do their best to attend. My grandpa’s outlook on the whole thing is my favorite – my grandma said that depending on how he is feeling he may not be able to travel that far, and my grandpa responded along the lines of “If I’m alive, I’m there”.

    • SaintHelena

      For real! Everyone is asking me why such a long engagement. Weddings cost MONEY and take time to plan!! As a master procrastinator I need all the time I can get!

    • Ashlah

      Most people I know have engagements that long! Ours was 20 months. If you want to get married a certain time of year, that often means either a super short engagement or a long-ish one, and the planning and cost mean most couples are going to choose the longer option!

    • Melinda

      I am in a similar boat. We are in the same boat with a little over 2 year engagement. From grandma’s telling me they might not live that long to every single co-worker asking why we do such a thing. God you would think we picked a wedding date 10 years from now.

    • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

      We’ve been engaged for almost a year at this point, and haven’t seriously planned anything. (I tried, initially, but the few things I tried to set up all fell through, so we just gave up and have been saving money.) People ask if we’ve planned anything yet, we say no, people shrug and move on with their lives. We’re going to start actually planning now, but I think I’m going to just keep telling people that we haven’t, because aside from like 3 people I want everyone to leave us alone about it.

      • LAinTexas

        I have a friend who got engaged I think on Christmas day in 2015, and as far as I know, they still aren’t planning, haha. But, they’d literally just had a baby at the beginning of that month, and she’s gone back to school, so I think their focus has mostly been on learning how to be parents, juggling work and school, etc.

    • Becky D

      I like reading all these comments because I’m dealing with a mix of people who think the engagement is too short and others who think it’s too long. Our engagement will be 10 months in total and we’re getting married on our 2 year anniversary. We’re in our late 20s but a lot of people seem to think we’re “rushing”.
      The kicker is that we’re planning a private ceremony with 4 guests. When I tell people this part of the plan, many can’t seem to understand why we would WAIT 10 months to do something so simple. I’ve gotten quite a few “why not just elope now” comments. I’m completely having the time to focus on our relationship before marriage and having time to save to money so we can make the day special, but it gets annoying having to defend our timeline from both sides.

    • Lisa

      Oh, man, one of my friends got engaged at the end of grad school, but she and her fiancé wanted to wait until the gap between finishing med school and residency, which was two years away. One of our classmates COULD NOT with this information. She kept exclaiming about how long that was and asked her husband to talk some sense into my friend. (He was sitting with us at a show when she found out.) Classmate also freaked out about this on the regular anytime the bride mentioned some aspect of wedding planning. Surprisingly, she was not invited when the wedding rolled around two years later.

  • Brynna

    After-the-fact, someone complained that there weren’t more photos of them taken by our photograher…

    • Alex K

      One of my friends (who did a reading for us) complained that the photographer did not take the time to “find her best angles.” Ridiculous

    • Tera

      Omg SAME. As soon as we got our pics from the photographer I spent hours uploading and tagging every single one with my friends in it to fb bc I knew everyone wanted to see EVERY PIC they were in. Still got a comment that “the photog took more pics of them and I definitely didn’t upload all of them.”

      • zana

        You tagged every single person? Why would you waste so much time? Let people dig through the photos and find their damn selves.

        • Tera

          Fb actually did most of the tagging for me. I also have a lot of attention-whore theater friends ¯_(ツ)_/¯

      • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

        If the photog didn’t give you the other photos of Aunt Matilda, it’s because they didn’t turn out well, and they’re doing her a favor.

    • Eh

      After my BIL/SIL’s wedding my SIL complained that I didn’t take enough pictures of their children at their wedding. I have lots of pictures during the ceremony of the older two (who were flower girls, the baby was with a baby sitter so I couldn’t’ see her). And then during the reception I didn’t take many pictures since I was eating and then after supper their children went home. They hired a photographer and it wasn’t me, and I was never asked to take pictures of their children, I just gave her a USB stick with all the pictures I took at her wedding.

      • Brynna

        How dare you?! ;)

        • Eh

          It was a lesson in not trying to do nice things for people.

          I was even accused of favoring the baby because I took more pictures of her. There were barely any pictures of her (since I couldn’t see her during the ceremony). I was asked to watch her briefly and I entertained her by taking her picture. It was the same picture over and over and over and 99% of them were blurry or she wasn’t facing the camera. There was maybe one good one. Apparently this upset the older girls. (When you tallied up all of the pictures of each girl, the baby had maybe one or two extra pictures – and the majority of her pictures were from the few minutes I was watching her.)

    • Violet

      What is WRONG with people!? Are we seriously this vain that weddings are now more about photo ops than anything else?

    • I’m actually horrified. TAKE A SELFIE AND GET A GRIP Y’ALL.

  • Alison M

    We were talking about having our rehearsal dinner in a public park (in an amphitheater or similar). My now MIL insisted that we couldn’t do this because there might be weather and people might be cold etc. etc. Perhaps not invalid concerns, but the actual wedding the next day was also outdoors…

  • Kay

    “It’s going to be cold.” Yes, we are getting married in New England in the winter. 99% of our family and friends live in cold climates. The wedding is not going to be outside, we aren’t asking people to sit around in coats and hats, the walkways and parking lots will be plowed, it will be warm inside. I’m pretty sure people in Maine get married in months other than August, but people are going to pieces over it. My mom’s #1 wedding concern is “what if people keep their boots on inside”. One friend of mine is totally convinced that people will wear snowsuits and parkas the whole time (which is fine with us, if folks want to do that). Now my future SIL is saying she doesn’t want to get her hair professionally done because “it’s going to be cold”. I never thought I’d have to prime people for this by explaining that Maine is cold, but apparently I was wrong!

    • Amy March

      Wait it’s indoors? So ridiculous.

    • Alex K

      Can you ask the venue to really crank up the heat just to spite them? I love the idea of everyone in snow suits sweating because it is actually *not cold*

    • Kalë

      “What if people keep their boots on inside” lol. If that’s the biggest problem at your wedding… ¯_(ツ)_/¯

    • topscallop

      Your future SIL’s excuse for not getting her hair done amazes me.

    • idkmybffjill

      Lol because I never do my hair when it’s cold?! What’s especially weird is I’d be more likely to not want my hair done for an outdoor windy wedding in 100 degree heat than an indoor wedding in winter.

    • EF

      listen i have worn bean boots to weddings before, in winter in new england, and i am 100% sure i’ll do it again. there are so many bigger problems than boots, sheesh

  • anon for this

    I am engaged, with a date set and wedding mostly all planned for April of next year, sis got engaged about a month ago. Mom has just had the brilliant idea that we hold our weddings either the same day, same weekend, or one week apart. *cue internal screaming* We live in Hawaii, while most of our mom’s and some of our dad’s family live on the East Coast and in the South. Mom’s reasoning is that, while they get by, the bulk of our extended family is not well off. They would not be able to afford to attend two “destination” (for them) weddings in two years, let alone in the same year or season, should my sis and her fiancé decide to have theirs next year. While I understand the practicality of guaranteeing that family won’t have to pick and choose, or go into debt to be able to attend both of our weddings, this is a huge NOPE to me. I love my sister, and I consider her one of my closest friends. She’s even a co-maid of honor in my wedding! She is beautiful, smart, and tons of fun, but is also a bit dramatic, anxious, and is a competitive, jealous person. I’m pretty laid back, and was the “chill sister” for all of our lives, but I was hoping to have my special moment for my wedding, without being overshadowed by my fabulous older sis and the swirl of drama that often accompanies her. Is that so selfish? Sis, so far, seems to agree with mom – they haven’t decided on a date, but they would like sooner, rather than later because she and fiance are “aren’t getting any younger” (they are 28 and 29); would like the family to be able to attend; and doesn’t seem to think back to back weddings would be a big deal. The other day, mom even said to me, “Why don’t you have your weddings the same day? One in the morning, one in the afternoon. That would be a lot easier on everyone, you know. It’s not always all about you.” -_-

    • Amy March

      Omg moms whyyyyyy.

      • anon for this

        why WHYYYYY

    • Angela’s Back

      Parents and siblings, man… my parents basically bullied us into moving our destination wedding from a Thursday to a Monday so my little brother, who’s in college, wouldn’t have to miss too many classes. He literally flew in Saturday and flew out Tuesday morning. They were like but what about your brother?? And I was like BUT WHAT ABOUT MY WEDDING???

    • Kat

      My jaw just DROPPED reading this. Holy cow, no way. Shut it down. Your wedding day is, in fact, all about you & your fiance. Maybe for the first and only time ever. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9ace54c1f8f917d6523fd79d48150dc060376eb8e9afb9c6cca3057df52f340c.gif

      • Kaitlyn

        SERIOUSLY. Ways to get around this if they will not hear the voice of reason: either pushing your wedding out (not exactly fair as you were engaged first but desperate times) or having an East Coast destination wedding (ever been to New England in the fall? V pretty haha)

        • anon for this

          Honestly would, because omg who cares why the drama, but we have deposits down on everything, save the dates sent, and some things already completely paid for like photographer and venue. I’m sure it will pass (because it’s a stupid ridiculous idea) but for now, omg mom (and sis by proxy) STAHP

          • penguin

            Wow! That is so obnoxious of them. I’d say if you already have deposits down and a date set, willfully ignore their stupidity. If they ask directly, say you are having your wedding on X date. People can make their own decisions on what to attend.

      • anon for this

        Right??? Like, yes, you only get *one* day… but can I have even that plz?

    • sofar

      I’m so upset for you!

      Yes, your wedding won’t be as “convenient.” But life is never convenient. People can choose to attend one, both or neither wedding. People are more than capable of choosing which events they can/can’t afford to attend.

    • emmers

      That sucks! My husband’s sister planned their wedding so it was 1 week after ours. Like, they waited to set their date until we set ours, cuz they wanted them to be linked, mainly so a family member could attend due to vacay reasons (who didn’t ultimately attend).

      It was not my fave. It was OK, but not my fave. if they do insist on it, them having it 1 week later wasn’t terrible. We were grumpy about it (for all the reasons I’m sure you’re feeling!), but I preferred that to them having it 1 week earlier, since I would have been in peak pre-wedding stress mode then.

      Hang in there! His sister was also my maid of honor. I love her, but that sucked. Now, 3 years later, it’s mostly a ridiculous story. So ridiculous!

      • anon for this

        Omg, sucks x 100 especially because the family member didn’t even end up coming! Can’t believe it. We’re leaving for our international honeymoon the Monday after our Saturday wedding, so if sis and her fiance were to theoretically go ahead with mom’s harebrained plan, they would either need to have their wedding the weekend before, in the week leading up to, or the day of or the day after our wedding, unless they don’t care if fiance and I are there… inventing bullshit problems, indeed.

        • emmers

          Ugh, much wine to you and yours. Hang in there. It’s definitely unfortunate and definitely stressful. I also felt like I was being a bit of a diva even caring that it was happening so close, but it’s OK to want your own time. Hopefully they won’t be able to find a venue that can accommodate a really close date to you/hopefully they stand down. And if not, much wine!

        • penguin

          Yeah if someone had their wedding a week after mine, I wouldn’t be attending because I’d still be on my honeymoon. If that ends up happening, don’t apologize or try to get them to change their date, just RSVP no because you’re not available.

          • Leah

            Yeah my friend has booked her wedding for the weekend after ours which would have been fine (there are legit reasons for it – long weekend so her out of town family can get there etc etc). Except that my FMIL has booked us to leave on our honeymoon the Monday after our wedding so we have to miss it as we won’t be in the country.

          • penguin

            Your mother in law booked your honeymoon? Either way I think it’s pretty normal to be out of town or otherwise unavailable the weekend after you get married.

          • Leah

            She did! That’s her and fiance’s step-dad’s wedding gift to us (which is lovely, very much appreciated and it was discussed prior haha).

          • penguin

            Ah ok, “discussed prior” was the part missing in my head haha. I was imagining that she just like…made your reservations and informed you out of nowhere.

          • Leah

            Ohhhh yeah I see how it reads like that! Nope, definitely discussed!

    • MDBethann

      Ugh. Big hugs to you. You and your fiance and your sister and her fiance should each get your own, separate weddings on different days (preferably different weeks and months too). Why should your plans have to change to accommodate your sister? I take it your mom wants a combined reception?

    • Jess

      Is it just me, or do people who say “It’s not always all about you” seem to really mean “It’s never about you” when it comes to their actions?

      • penguin

        Alternate definition: “It’s not always all about you” means “it’s all about me waaaaaaaaaaah”

    • Leah

      WHAT. NO. No nonononononno. This is not cool and totally unreasonable of your mum and sister to try to do this.

    • Cathi

      A friend of mine had her brother and her sister do a joint wedding for a similar location-based reason (though, they live in Indiana so not nearly as costly as Hawaii to get to, though certainly less exciting). However, it was both couple’s joint decision!

      I can’t imagine being guilted/forced into doing something like that.

    • Sara

      I actually… don’t think this would bother me, as long as mine was the first day. HOWEVER, I definitely understand why this would upset other people.

  • Shawna

    Thankfully my wedding is long over (we do not miss the planning stage at all), but the first weird thing that came to mind was my mom totally freaking out over my suggestion that we get jewel tone balloons for the “rehearsal dinner” (which was a karaoke night at a social hall with a buffet) because then it would look like “a children’s birthday party.” She had already rejected pizza and beer in favor of a fancy catered dinner (it was tasty but unnecessarily complicated and expensive). I think she ended up getting white and gold balloons. Maybe black too? Everything else in the wedding the next day was jewel tone (she knew that) and somehow that was fine…

    And why does the transportation thing bug people so much? We were accused by my parents of “abandoning” our guests by not providing transport across the Golden Gate bridge. We had already provided pros and cons for staying in the North Bay vs San Francisco (price, number of events across the weekend in both locations) and most of the guests knew at least one other family locally or who had already told us they were renting cars to explore while they were out here and could easily arrange to carpool (which most of them did). It has never occurred to me while attending a wedding out of my home area to wait until the bride and groom arrange transport!

    • sofar

      We also didn’t do the Wedding Shuttle. Ceremony and reception were in the same location. All room blocks were at hotels within 2 miles. Lyft and Uber were available. Plenty of locals had cars.

      My friends who have hired wedding shuttles ended up with extra drama/costs due to nobody using them or people missing the last shuttle of the night (despite numerous announcements from the DJ) and getting stranded at the venue.

      • Yes. Also, a bad wedding shuttle is a million times worse than no wedding shuttle. The last wedding we were at planned their wedding shuttle based on the trip distance, not the round trip plus loading and unloading time. We got out there an hour early and just missed one but figured it would be cool, since they said shuttles every 15 minutes. 30 minutes before the wedding when there was 3x the number of people waiting that could reasonably fit (and still no shuttle), we decided that we probably could scrounge up enough space in cars to get some groups of people to drive over and so we did that. But we also got a call from the wedding party late that night because they were looking for the shuttle and didn’t know where to find it.

        • sofar

          OMG. Shuttle fail!

    • Alissa

      Ugh, for our DC wedding we provided people with ALL THE INFO for travel logistics on our website and channeled it through family members and friends. Since our hotel AND venue were a *10 minute drive* from DCA/National airport, we strongly urged everyone to fly in there and take a $10 taxi to their hotel (this was in 2012, so a minute before Uber and Lyft were as well-known). And for those who were feeling public transit savvy, we provided ALL THE INFO for the VERY SHORT metro ride people could also take from the airport. My dad channeled all of his wedding anxiety during the 2 days before our ceremony into freaking out about our lack of hospitality. He insisted on personally picking up all of our guests from the airport and driving them the 10 minute to their hotel. in the end, he was running around like a crazy person and I didn’t really get to see much in the days leading up to the wedding, despite my efforts to pull him aside and assure him that guests were adults who could handle themselves. Sigh.

      • Shawna

        YES so much dad drama around this specifically. I think a lot of it was his feeling of not living up to being the host the way the bride’s father often is for Indian weddings. We didn’t ask that of him in part because we felt it would be too stressful for him, but he put it on himself anyway! We didn’t do a hotel block, but my parents booked a bunch of hotel rooms for some of their friends and family, as though they were incapable of doing it themselves. And there was a lot of picking up at the airport too.

      • NolaJael

        ^ Would have been my mother if we’d given her the opening. A big part of why our wedding was tiny was because I wanted her to be present and not playing frantic hostess.

    • emilyg25

      I really wish Wedding Shuttles hadn’t become a thing.

      • emmers

        All the $$$!

    • Emily

      We are doing a shuttle, but it was a big sticking point for a while. Eventually we went with it because a) our budget allowed it, b) 80% of our guests are traveling from out of town, c) the venue is at a house that’s pretty difficult to get to 30 minutes from the main city where everyone is most likely staying, and d) I didn’t want to stress about people drinking and driving on my wedding day. But I absolutely don’t think they’re ever necessary. If your budget allows then great! If not, then people are adults and they’ll figure it out.

      • Sara

        +1 for this, we are doing a shuttle for similar reasons (venue is ~45 mins out of city + booze loving friends), but I have never expected nor would ever expect the bride and groom to provide transportation for me, regardless.

    • Rose

      Our reception site wasn’t located near public transit. We did not get a shuttle. I offered to help people who needed a ride find someone to ride with, but you know what? People figured it out! Most guests fell naturally into groups, so about four people would split a rental car if they wanted to get around and see things, or they took public transit and then got a ride with a friend to and from the ceremony and reception sites. It worked out fine! I can see that a shuttle is a nice thing sometimes, but I don’t think it’s necessary.

      • nosio

        This is reassuring me SO MUCH about our decision to not provide a shuttle.

        • Rose

          Good! I have since attended two weddings that did not have shuttles, and as far as I could tell nobody minded there either.

    • FckToasters

      Oh transportation. Like we don’t successfully show up to new places ALL THE TIME. My mom is panicking that “no one will be able to figure out how to use Uber.” Well, none of you are staying in the same hotel, so figure it out or walk.

      • Shawna

        The one thing we did was contact Lyft for a personalized discount code. It still only applied to anyone using the service for the first time, but it was a nice bonus for his family who didn’t live in areas where Lyft was a thing and probably weren’t going to sign up otherwise. A few people took advantage, but it wasn’t extremely popular or necessary (in general there are lots of public transit options and cabs). Since it didn’t take a lot of effort on our part, I’m still glad we did it, but I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it unless you were thinking of encouraging ride sharing anyway.

        • FckToasters

          oh that’s a really good idea. I love when bitching is productive!

  • Jennifer

    My fiancé and I are planning and paying for our wedding pretty much on our own. My father does not approve of our relationship, but the silver lining is that I don’t have to invite hundreds of people I don’t know (my dad’s work colleagues who would have to be on the list if he had paid for everything), and don’t have to take into account anyone’s preferences but my fiancé’s and mine. However, people have a way of making their preferences known regardless, don’t they? “You’re having a food truck cater the food??” Me: Umm, yes; “Who’s going to walk you down the aisle since your dad won’t be there?” Me: I’m going to walk myself down the aisle, kind of like how I walk down the sidewalk every day; “You’re only serving beer and wine? What if some of your guests don’t drink beer or wine?” Me: Bring a flask, IDGAF; “How are you going to get everyone to dance if you just have a playlist on your iPad?” Me: By inviting people to the wedding who like us and who like to dance and then dancing with those people.

    You get the idea. I’ve come to find that planning a wedding that’s even slightly different from my peers’ weddings is an exercise in constantly reminding myself that there. are. no. rules. Luckily it’s not stressing me out, but that doesn’t mean I don’t find it annoying sometimes!

  • LazyMountain

    Both of our fathers have some pretty significant Scottish heritage and were at a loss as to what to wear for our wedding. They decided that it would be a great idea to wear their kilts in their respective tartans, which we wholeheartedly agreed with. Our wedding is outdoors, in the woods, and when to you ever get the chance to wear a kilt these days? Strangely enough, independently from one another, both sets of parents have said “well then you should have a bagpiper play you down the aisle”. First of all, how does one find a bagpiper? Who is going to pay for that? Do kilts now equate to a Scottish-themed wedding? Second of all- just nope. I’m hoping we’ve squashed the idea but I’m seriously a little worried that there will be “surprise pipers” that just magically appear on the day.
    (Note- this is not a side-eye at anyone who had bagpipers at their wedding! It’s just definitely not what we had in mind!)

    • emmers

      Lol @ surprise pipers!

      • Angie Gaul

        I’m a wedding photographer and I have totally documented surprise pipers. Like the entire NYPD Pipe and Drum Corp marched into the reception as a surprise to the bride and groom. They rolled with it, but yeah.

        • Jane

          I do not think I would roll with that. But, hopefully, the surprise planner knew the couple well enough. Yikes!

    • Jenny

      I mean, I hope that doesn’t happen because it’s not what you want. But, like, what an amazing story, well my wedding had surprise bagpipers!!

    • quiet000001

      Point out that technically a bagpipe is a weapon of war and you don’t want weapons at your wedding? :D Also they are loud as bleep.

      • LazyMountain

        This is exactly my issue!! Also both my high school and university played them at graduations so I also associate them with standing in line wearing weird gowns/hats and being either boiling hot or freezing cold.

      • Yael

        We had a neighbor who played the bagpipes. I grew up in the country, so when I say neighbor, I mean people who lived at least a 10 minute walk away. He would play the pipes to scare the deer away from the poachers. We could hear him very well.

        • quiet000001

          My SIL played bagpipes in her teens and her family used to banish her to a field up the hill from their house to practice, it was so loud. Parents figured they’d know if anything happened because they wouldn’t hear her anymore. :D

    • topscallop

      Thanks a lot, this is now a concern of mine! My stepdad is a bagpiper after discovering and getting really into his Scottish heritage the past few years. I already know he’ll be wearing a kilt to my farm wedding (which is fine with me) but I really hope there’s no surprise bagpiping!

    • anon

      FWIW, I walked down the aisle to Highland Cathedral on bagpipes in my very Italian Catholic church (I’m part Irish and my husband has,Irish and Scottish) and it was totally badass. But, yeah, if it’s not your thing, hopefully you won’t get any surprises. (Music director found the bagpipe and i think it was only about $100)

    • Arie

      I can offer you a compromise! We had a lone fiddle player play us down the aisle and it really did a lot to placate my family’s leaning-toward-bagpipe sensibilities.

      • LAinTexas

        My best friend’s wedding was just this past weekend, and they also had a lone fiddle player for their ceremony. He was part of the 3-man band that played for the second half of the reception. But I don’t think it was to take the place of bagpipes, lmao.

    • ualle

      I’m a wedding planner and totally had some clients last year who surprised their guests (including the wedding party, parents, anyone who wasn’t the couple) with a bagpiper in the very beginning of the ceremony! It was a cool thing. Also, the original bagpiper had to cancel a few days before and sent her daughter instead. She did a great job and was probably like 15 years old.

  • sofar

    My mother found it absolutely APPALLING that we weren’t having a ring-bearer. We’d originally chosen two flower girls (sisters, from my family) and one ring-bearer (cousin’s kid, from my husband’s family). The ring-bearer dropped out two months before the wedding because his family couldn’t travel to the wedding, and there wasn’t any other little kid from my husband’s side who was attending and would make sense to ask to be ring bearer.

    So, we shrugged and figured, “Well cool we’ll have two adorable flower girls.”

    My (normally laid-back) mom’s reaction: There MUST BE A RING BEARER. THERE CANNOT BE JUST TWO GIRLS. THERE MUST BE A BOY! A BOY, I SAY! CUTE AND YOUTHFUL AND OUTFITTED IN A TINY SUIT.

    With no ring-bearer, pictures would be ruined. People would be confused and my grand entrance would be spoiled by people craning their necks hunting for the ring-bearer and wondering if he’d fallen in the lake or been kidnapped. The ceremony would be drowned out by people whispering to each other, “Where is the ring bearer?”

    My mother started coming up with all kinds of suitable ring-bearer replacements. My cousin’s monstrous twins with undiagnosed behavioral issues whom my cousin was hoping to leave with a babysitter anyway. Children of random people from her church who were not even invited to the wedding. A 12-year-old boy on her side who “Is pretty short and looks young and could pass for probably 8 years old” — and who would, no doubt, be thrilled to be a ring-bearer and “pass for 8 years old.”

    This continued until the week of the wedding. “Are you sure there’s no boy who could be ring-bearer? You know, my friend from church has the cutest little boy and since we are below capacity at the venue, maybe they could come, oh he would just love it, he would have so much fun!”

    There was no ring-bearer. Everyone survived. The flower girls nailed it.

    • Kat

      Lol I’m sure a 12 year old boy would be THRILLED to learn he could “pass for 8”, bless his heart.

    • HarrietVane

      We didn’t have flower girls OR a ring bearer (the horror!) at our wedding… and no one seems to have noticed :)

      • ssha

        same! There was already enough people in the wedding to keep track of/get information to/invite to the rehearsal dinner- we didn’t need to add small children AND their parents.

      • Won’t be having either at our wedding in August. Like, if you have someone(s) in mind, great. But it’s certainly not a requirement!

      • Rose

        We didn’t either! We would have, but none of our young cousins could make it, and none of our friends have kids, so. . . inadvertantly child-free wedding.

      • toomanybooks

        Same! Thankfully I decided a while ago that my potential-future-wedding wouldn’t need one when, at a wedding where the ring bearer DID NOT WANT to walk down the aisle and had to be dragged down by his mom, my mom leaned over to me and whispered, “Never have children in a wedding ceremony.” (And I think more specifically had some sort of quote she was referencing, but don’t remember what it was!)

        We didn’t have like, closely related flower girl/ring bearer age kids anyway

        • idkmybffjill

          I feel like that’s sort of the only reason to have them – when they’re closely related. Like, want to put your beloved nephew in the wedding? Perfect. But… have to scrounge up an aquaintance’s child to participate? Not so much.

        • Ilora

          We had a nephew and some nieces that definitely would have been adorable in the wedding but it was just not worth the effort of wrangling them and they were just young enough to not care. Two years later and no regrets!

        • CA

          Yep yep. My parents attended a cousin’s wedding this winter. I asked them how it was and the first thing they said was: “Please don’t have 3 flower girls and 3 ring bearers in your wedding!” (My cousins on that side have had a lot of little kids recently and the groom’s family had a couple too so they went all in, I guess)

          There are going to be a crap ton of little kids at ours, which I actually love, but none that we’re especially close to, so we are 100% happy with not making any of them walk down the aisle.

          • Jane

            We are having too many flower children in our ceremony because FMIL decided she didn’t like that all of them were on my side and not FH’s – even though I have lots of nieces and nephews I’m close to and FH has none, close to or not. So, now we have a ton, which is fine, but it’s like, we have a whole flower sports team.
            Off topic – and days late for this thread – but if anyone has creative ideas for small children in the ceremony that are not just flower children and ringbearers, I am all ears!

          • LadyJanee

            We had my sister’s step-daughters hand out the confetti while we were signing our marriage certificate. They got a special mention from the celebrant and were so thrilled to be involved. They were 8 and 11 though so not really *small* children.

          • Jane

            Having them get a shout out, whatever they do, from the officiant, is a good idea.

          • d-a-f-punk

            (Even later response!) I’ve heard of people with lots of small children to incorporate just giving them a bunch of flags and letting them charge down the aisle while something along the lines of Dropkick Murphy’s Cadence to Arms plays in the background.

        • Jane

          Yeah. My nieces and nephews are in it with the full knowledge that they can choose not to be in it at any time – including right before the ceremony. Worst case scenario – the program says that there is a flower boy and none appears. Still way better than nieces and nephews feeling self-conscious, upset, etc.

          It hadn’t occurred to me until this thread that someone could think he’d died. There’s a swamp not far from the venue . . .

      • Vicky Jo Lefler

        Our photographer squated down in the asile to get a shot of our adorable little fg. She ran up and punched him in the face with a fist full of petals. He recovered, and we got a shot of her coming at him.

        • Leah

          AHAHAHAHA this is hilarious. Your poor photographer!

    • Jane

      Also – you could have had a girl ring bearer. Like, if having someone carry the rings down the aisle was critical, you could have split up the adorable flower girls . . .

      • sofar

        Totally! Once the ring-bearer cancelled we just decided not to buy the fake-ring-and-pillow thing, so no child was needed to transport a ring. Although I’m sure one of the flower girls would’ve!

    • Ashlah

      Whoa, mom. My husband and I processed with our parents and that was it. No one seemed confused in the slightest. I can’t imagine why she was so concerned! I’m so curious if she’s said anything after the fact!

      • sofar

        So … literally the DAY after, my parents had brunch at their house, and my mom came up to me and pointed out the baby son of my husband’s friend and was like, “You know… someone could have carried him down the aisle!”

        MAHM!

        • Ashlah

          STAHP

          -_-

    • JC

      I shouldn’t be laughing, but I’m cracking up at the thought that the only reason you wouldn’t have a ring-bearer is that he fell in the lake and drowned, and neither you nor the groom thought to mention that to the guests so they spent the entire wedding whispering and waiting for you to announce this tragic death that never happened.

      • sofar

        Exact quote from Mom: “I know YOU think it’s silly, but people expect things in a certain order. When the flower girls walk, everyone is going to be turning around, looking for the ring bearer! Did he fall in the lake? Did someone kidnap him? Nobody will know!”

        This is when I realized my mother had gone completely insane.

        • JC

          I’ve missed so many opportunities to imagine wedding kidnappings now.

    • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

      This needs to be illustrated and sold as a children’s book.

      • Zomg, there needs to be a “cautionary wedding tales” illustrated children’s series STAT.

        • ssha

          Can it be one of those ostensibly for children but really for adults books? e.g. All My Friends Are Dead

    • Kate

      For many different reasons, we are not having ring bearers (I find it funny we ask the least competent people to do this task) or flower girls or maid of honor / best man. No bridal shower, bachelorette party, no favors. Still considering if the cake is that important (and definitely no fireworks while we cut cake!) and the first dance (because me and fiancé are terrible dancers). Going for a minimalist decoration as well. Instead we are focusing efforts and money on very good food, a beautiful ceremony, a nice place for people to enjoy and accommodation. Fighting a little bit over our decisions, but we’ll do it our way. :)

      • Ilora

        I was super hesitant about doing the first dance because my husband is a very awkward dancer, but I kept hearing that the photos from the first dance were beautiful and people who almost didn’t have one we’re glad they did because of the photos…yeah, our photos are super awkward! Trust your gut on that one!

        • Kate

          haha good one! I don’t think we’ll do it because we would need to practice and in a LDR it’s difficult to do that.

          • AbFab

            We did the classic 6th grader stand and sway to a decently slow song (Your Song by Elton John) and I love the pictures, but even more I really appreciated doing the dance. We’re both fairly awkward dancers, but it was great to have that moment where no one was allowed to approach us and we could talk quietly to each other and kind of be amazed at how the day was shaping up. So that’s why I think the first dance is a great moment! As long as you’re boring enough :) people are going to lose interest in watching and go back to chatting with their neighbors.

      • Eenie

        We did the same as you described (but did a first dance that was 90 seconds long cause my MIL wanted a mother son dance and it felt weird to do that and not a first dance). People still mention how delicious our food was more than a year later. I suggest creme brulee in lieu of cake.

        • Kate

          Good for you! :) yeah, we are not going for crème brûlée because it is very common around here. We’ll have tons of desserts and it is already included. So if there is not a typical wedding cake people won’t starve.

      • Jan

        Holy shit, did I black out and create a duplicate Disqus account? We’re nixing all that stuff (except for the first dance, only because we think it’ll be hilarious to do a horribly choreographed mash-up). No bridal party, no cake (tiny crème brûlées FTW), no other big dances, no DJ, minimalist decorations. Money’s going to food, booze, and decent chairs.

        • Kate

          haha I am afraid the wedding industry will have to deal with two of us. I think you got your priorities straight :P

      • Diverkat

        We did this – no wedding party, no cake, no flowers, showers, bachelor/ette parties, and spent all our money on booze, food, rentals for weather needs, and a live band – decorations were the great location (garden wedding on my in-laws’ really beautiful property) and fairy lights borrowed from friends. We made it comfortable with my hoarder MIL’s excess furniture inside a big marquee. Invites were emailed, I already owned my dress, rings were silver and made by a local artist. 10/10 would do again.

        • Kate

          Ow sounds beautiful. I bet everyone thought it was as good as any other wedding. We prined e-mails because of some of my relatives who never used internet, so we decided to design it ourselves and print for everyone. And you might not believe it: we paid 28$ for 100 invitations and envelopes (we invited like 120 people, and needed around 70 invitations). Many different people have said they are the most beautiful ones they ever received- to our surprise.

          • Diverkat

            Thanks!! It was really beautiful, and everyone commented on how wonderful everything was. We wrote our own ceremony with my BFF who also acted as our celebrant, and I swear half the crowd were crying. I was impressed :)

            $28 for 100 invites?!?!?! Holy Moses, that’s unbelievably cheap!!! Well done! And well done on your designs – we did the designing too (husband is a wiz with photoshop and document design), and we got a lot of good feedback on them. We went with humorous instead of beautiful, and it was a hit :)

          • Grace

            how did you manage that? I made my own save the dates and they still costed over 100$ I feel like every time i try to DIY something it ends up costing almost as much (face palm)!

      • J

        We nixed all of that too (except bachelorette party!) and it was great. Friends of mine still tell me that they picture their own future weddings hewing more closely to ours than to any others they’ve attended. It’s so satisfying to keep only the traditions that are meaningful to the two of you and just throw out the rest!

        The only tradition I regret keeping? The very public cake-cutting/mouth-stuffing. So awkward and embarrassing. I recommend you skip it if you have any reservations.

        • Kate

          Thank you for supporting me. We’ll tell this to my mum when she tries to convince me again.

      • tilbury

        Our venue is a restaurant and they’re just going to serve cake as the last course during dinner. No cake cutting. But we still want dessert and the restaurant has a very good chocolate peanut butter cheesecake. Specialty dessert > wedding cake ANY DAY.

        • Leah

          Omg I want that chocolate peanut butter cheesecake! That sounds divine.

        • Kate

          We’ll have tons of deserts served. I don’t really see the point of paying like 150$ just for us to cut a cake.

    • zana

      I don’t think I’ve ever been to a wedding where the ring-bearer was *not* a son of one/both of the couple (same for the flower girls). It’s at a point where I find it unusual if there is a ring bearer or flower girl.

    • ART

      This is…kind of funny because I feel like other stories about your mom have had her being super chill? Weddings, man :D

      • sofar

        Yes, I was surprised, too. She was also crazy about the chair covers. I didn’t want them, she desperately did.

        I think she has all these warm memories of being a flower girl as a child and still treasures all the photos she has of herself in a little white dress, dancing with the ring-bearer in his little suit. I think, in some way, my wedding was a way for her to come full circle from flower girl, to bride herself, to mother of the bride and she had all these romantic ideas that our little flower girls would be making treasured memories with the little ring-bearer. Or something. It was weird. Weddings, man.

    • I am cracking up over here.

    • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

      Exactly zero of the weddings I have attended had a ring-bearer.

  • Not Sarah

    There’s a theme here – it’s mostly my mother’s crazy ideas…

    * My mom thinks we can invite her friend without her husband because her husband doesn’t like social events. She also thinks I should address the invitation to Jane Smith and Guest because she doesn’t know how to spell the first name of her friend. Who she has known for almost 30 years!!!
    * If I ever say anything about how expensive this reception is turning out to be, my mom says it’s our own fault because we picked a fancy place.
    * One invitee thought we were only serving salmon because she doesn’t know how dropdown menus work on the website RSVP form.
    * My parents don’t understand why they need to RSVP because we “know they’re coming”. They also don’t understand why they need to pick their food before answering.
    * One of my aunts/uncles has decided that if one of their children doesn’t come to my wedding reception, it’s because they don’t want to see their parent.
    * My sister told me her RSVP was dependent on how much alcohol we were covering at the reception. (Thankfully she RSVP’d yes and bought flights anyways even though it’s not an open bar.)
    * My partner said our numbers are so high he didn’t want to invite anyone else. Then we went to a wedding and were seated at a table with someone we should have invited while others at the table were asking us questions about our wedding, which was super awkward. (They got an invite the next week, casually.)
    * My mom thinks no one will come because passports are expensive and it’s a long ways to come, so we shouldn’t invite them.
    * My mom says our registry is so small we shouldn’t even have one.
    * My mom is very insistent that my husband’s wedding ring needs to have diamonds in it. (Wtf is this???)
    * Everyone is very insistent that I need to wear heels.
    * People have been sad to learn that we will not have a photobooth. I’m sure some people like them, but they are not my husband’s and my thing so we are not having one.
    * While I was at my dress alteration appointment, someone else there asked me if I was wearing a bridesmaids dress, which I’m pretty sure was because it was short. Yet it was still white…
    * My mom thinks we should cancel the vegan & gluten-free cake because too few people will want it.
    * My sister says it’s not a wedding unless there are paper invites. I told her the paper invites were for people with no internet or for parents. She then said she had no internet and was a parent… (over iMessage)
    * My mom thought it was ridiculous that I planned to walk down the elopement aisle with no flowers. Thankfully that was averted by running out of time to find some.

    That’s only what I can think about off the top of my head. Our friends have been pretty excited about it. I about think I need to stop talking to my mom about the wedding…

    • Jessica

      whut.

    • ssha

      WOW.

    • Yael

      I will come eat your gluten-free cake for you. Just saying.

      • Not Sarah

        My partner and many others have offered themselves to eat both cakes. I’m sure it’ll be fine.

    • Meredith

      I need to know more about item one.
      Is her friend’s name even Jane? is that just an example? because Jane is easy to spell.
      Funny though because my mom has gone by Janie her whole life and has been unsure if her legal name is Jane or Janie – it’s Jane.

      • Not Sarah

        Oooops I meant that my mom doesn’t know how to spell her friend’s husband’s name. And no, Jane is just an example :)

      • cmgordon7

        Someone named Jayne is prob super offended right now.

    • norah_charles_ftw

      Can I take this moment to confess something? I hate the photobooths #sorrynotsorry
      I’m so ready for that trend to die, mainly because the last 4 weddings I attended got really pushy about making everyone do the photobooth…grrr…
      Is this a ridiculous thing to have strong negative feelings about? YES, and I own that.
      But I’m giving all the internet high-fives to couples who just say no to the awkward photos with the “what? it’s like so fun!” props, so good for you two!!!

      • Not Sarah

        The one pro I see of photobooths is that they result in high quality digital photos of guests that the photographer might never have gotten. The con of them is that they are really annoying! I don’t want to take photos with props! That is ridiculous and never something I would do!

      • Olga Mikhailov

        I mostly just hate the props. Why do we need props? Why are they always the same at every wedding, regardless of each wedding’s theme? Can pink plastic mustaches please PLEASE die a slow painful death?

        • Grace

          THIS. I love the idea of a photobooth but you are not getting a boa and a pikachu hat at my wedding. no effing way.

    • Sara

      There’s so much here to work with, oh man.

  • penguin

    Where do I even start. My fiancé’s parents have been the weirdos on this one. Things we’ve heard from them since getting engaged 7 months ago…

    -If the groom doesn’t wear a tux, no one will know he is the groom. Vendors will waste time trying to locate the groom (“wasting precious moments”), and then give up, so they’ll end up skipping important events like the cake cutting
    -If the groom doesn’t wear a tux, it’s disrespectful to the bride (excuse me?)
    -If we have a buffet, it will take forever and people will get hungry and want to go home early
    -If we have a buffet no one will know when to dance or have the cake cutting or do speeches, and it will be a madhouse.
    -If we don’t have assigned seating then no one will talk to each other, they will just sit in silence and then leave early. (I’m really not sure where this one came from, as we’ll probably end up doing a seating chart)
    -There was a whole thing where his parents were absolutely ADAMANT that a wedding is a joining of two families, and all of our extended relatives were going to be friends. Knowing his and my families as I do, I do NOT see that happening…

    I’m sure there are more, I’ll add them as I think of them. And my fiancé is wearing a suit not a tux, and we’re having a buffet. What will the neighbors say :)

    • Not Sarah

      Oh gosh my mom didn’t understand why I needed to do a seating chart. She thought all 100 people would just find themselves seats!

      • Jess

        Seating Charts are truly one of the few “things you don’t actually need to have” that I, as a guest, really appreciate. I will not be upset if you don’t do favors, fancy centerpieces, cake, toasts, or open bars (as long as I know in advance to bring cash).

        I absolutely hate trying to figure out which of the tables full of people I don’t know I should sit down at, and how to break into a group of BFF’s that I accidentally interrupted. Total high school “Can I sit with you? No? Ok, I’ll keep looking…” situation for me.

        ETA: Like, obviously I’ll manage if you don’t have a seating chart and not hold it against you. But I will notice and appreciate the effort to put together a good seating plan.

        • penguin

          Yep totally agree on this one. It’s also easier for other reasons – you can avoid that second cousin you hate who wants you to sit with them because you’ve been assigned to another table. I’m sure we’ll end up doing a seating chart, we just can’t yet because invites haven’t gone out haha.

          • Sarah Liebman

            I really enjoyed doing the seating chart. Since I wasn’t going to have time to introduce all the people I wanted to introduce to each other in person, I created little table tents with info about shared interests, etc. to help people who were seated with folks they didn’t know. People really appreciated it.

          • emmers

            We had no seating chart for 130 people, and it was fine! Our venue was kinda non traditional, in that there was no one big room where everyone ate– they kinda ate in a bunch of different smaller rooms. It did mean we ended up eating lunch with a random friend of my husband’s vs bridal party, but I kinda liked it. I also like looking at the photos and seeing the random people from our lives eating together. So– whatever you do, the people will figure it out!

          • Jess

            Like I edited in, I’ll deal and I won’t be like, upset at you forever, and I’ll figure it out and have a good time wherever I end up.

            I just 100% appreciate the effort every time.

          • Not Sarah

            We are two months out and I feel like there is nothing to do right now, except wait for the RSVP deadline and then All The Things will need to be done. This would be driving me crazy if I wasn’t in the last week of my 4.5 week summer intensive class which is the last class of my MS.

          • Jess

            You are not wrong – we hit a lull right about 2 months out. Once RSVP’s come in you can actually do the last things on the list.

          • Not Sarah

            Yes, my August/September to do list is a mile long… I was trying to use July to wrap up the Etsy ordering to allow plenty of time for stuff to come in. We just have the guestbook left.

          • jem

            “We just can’t yet because invites haven’t gone out”– this was a difficult one for our parents to grasp.

        • Laura C

          If you don’t have quite a few more seats than guests, you absolutely do need to have a seating chart, and every wedding I have ever been to without seating charts could be used to illustrate that point.Or rather, the couple wandering around looking for seats together and finding that there’s no more than one seat left at any given table could be used to illustrate it.

          • Sara

            Have to disagree. I’ve only been to a single wedding in my life that had assigned seating (I have to find the cute seating chart wall thing? then find my assigned table and seat? it was weird, like I was in school) – buffet and open seating is the norm where I live, and I’ve never had an issue. Most times a friend group of 1.5x the capacity of the table will get together, stash our coats/purses, take turns eating and grabbing drinks and then we’re too busy dancing the rest of the night to worry about seats!

          • Laura C

            That’s fascinating. I’ve been to three that didn’t have assigned seating (actually two, but at one the escort cards arrived late so a lot of people were sitting by the time they arrived). In chronological order. One: We got seats at a table filled with our friends. When it was full, another friend came over and tried to move a chair over from another table, and the catering staff stopped him. He had to find a seat somewhere else and I think ended up with the groom’s aunts and uncles. Two: Wedding where the only people we knew were in the wedding party, which did have assigned seats. There was no clear cue to sit for dinner, and by the time we got to the tables, there were exactly two seats left, at different tables, with the tables so jam packed there was no chance of rearranging, and us knowing no one. I left and went back to our hotel room. Three: the one where the escort cards arrived late. All the tables (except for the head table, of course) filled up to about two thirds and then people were sort of milling around trying to figure out what they should be doing — sit down at a table mostly filled with people who knew each other but who you don’t know? Then of course at that one the cards arrived and it was a mess as people relocated.

            Totally awkward in each case. But I guess it is local culture — if the caterers/venue staff won’t object to more people at a table than there are place settings, that helps a lot. If there’s no particular order to which tables to go the buffet when (virtually every buffet wedding I’ve been to — including my own — staff came over and told tables when it was their turn to go up, so eating in shifts would have been more difficult), that helps. Etc.

            But are there really no extra seats at the weddings you’re accustomed to? Because as I said, it helps to have extra seats so that there’s a little flexibility as people try to find seats at tables with people they know. Or if there aren’t the maximum number of places set at each table so that people can actually fit if they pull a chair and setting from a neighboring table. It’s not that there aren’t ways to make open seating work, it’s that in my experience people don’t plan for those ways, so if your local culture is open seating, maybe people just plan better for it?

          • Sara

            Two sounds terrible, I would have left as well. It sounds terribly awkward and frustrating. I guess this is all about the difference in flexibility that the buffet vs. seated dinner allows you – with seated, everyone has to be sitting in a chair and eating at the same time, and buffet allows everyone to arrive, get a drink, walk around and mingle, get in line, sit and eat, go back for seconds etc. in their own time. So in the very beginning there might be a short line at the buffet, but we’re all adults and just watch for when it’s not busy, and people come and go. Same with the bars. I’ve definitely never had anyone tell me when to eat, haha.

          • Laura C

            Actually, thinking about it, all three of these were buffets! But I guess you can have a buffet conducted according to the logic of a plated dinner, or more free-form.

        • Not Sarah

          I’ve really loved the seating charts at the weddings I’ve been to where I didn’t know very many people. They’ve almost always done a good job of seating us with people who we would also get along with! I’m hopeful we can return the favour. The only wedding I’ve been to without a seating chart was one which was the second part of a two part wedding and we sat with the people from the previous part because we liked them.

        • Maruatto

          Totally agree! The one wedding I went to without a seating chart had the B&G’s friends who see each other all the time rushing in to “claim” tables with their coats before going to get food, and the extended family of the bride, who do not see each other nearly enough and look forward to weddings to reconnect, scrambling in vain to find any seats together because we had made the mistake of chatting on the way in. Super high school level not fun. I’m sure the B&G thought it all worked out fine because we’re way too polite to complain to their faces, but it felt immature and lame.

          • Jess

            It’s usually not a problem I have with the couple, but a problem I have with other guests. Like, “We’re saving this seat” or “We only left one extra chair and you have two people” or “Friends of my friends saved them a table, but didn’t include me in their count”

            And I’ve had it work out fine, especially when there are longer banquet style tables (so much easier to scoot down the row or just pull up a chair and let other people fill in around you)!

            I just appreciate not having additional stress of “where am I going to sit” on top of “talking to people.”

    • Eh

      lol my husband wore a suit and we had a buffet. I wasn’t disrespected, everyone knew my husband was the groom (even vendors who were told to talk to our MC bother my husband instead), and no one was hungry.

      • Ashlah

        Yeah, I was gonna say this sounds exactly like our wedding! No tux, no seating chart, buffet meal. It was all great. And distant relatives got along perfectly fine at the wedding (if they interacted at all), but I don’t think there’s been any contact since. Which I’m pretty sure is typical?

        • penguin

          Haha right, very typical. Our extended families live nowhere near each other, and I haven’t even met most of his extended family even though we’ve been together for 5 years because he (and his parents) aren’t close with them. If his parents don’t even want to see these people, why would my extended family? Who don’t live anywhere near them, and have no incentive to try and become best friends with them? It was so weird.

      • penguin

        Thank you! My fiancé picked out what sounds like a very dapper suit this weekend, and we’re pumped for the buffet. My other favorite complaint from FIL was that if we had a buffet, it would run out of food and everything would be cold. No? That’s the opposite of how buffets work if they’re done right?

    • ualle

      As a wedding vendor, I assure you that I recognize the clients with whom I have met with multiple times regardless of whether they are wearing a tux. haha

      • penguin

        Thank you! That was my thought too. If we’re paying people money to work our wedding, I expect that they would recognize us! Not to mention that my fiancé has distinctive facial hair, so he stands out anyway.

    • Diverkat

      Hahahaha, I wore a short red dress and husband wore a linen shirt. WHO WAS EVEN GETTING MARRIED NO ONE WILL EVER KNOOOOOOW

      • Ally Lowe

        I’m wearing a red victorian ballgown and he’s wearing a leather jacket and biker boots. IS THIS EVEN A WEDDING EVEN

        • Diverkat

          Omg that sounds AMAZING.

    • Sara

      The tux thing cracks me up. And oy with the sticky extended families – I’m in a similar situation and I think we’re all better together but separate, if ya know what I mean.

      I find the objection to a buffet and open seating hilarious – I’ve only ever been to one wedding that had a seated dinner with assigned tables, and that was because the bride’s family was from somewhere else where that is normal. Buffet and open seating is the norm where I’m at and it works beautifully!

  • emmers

    A distant family member who wasn’t invited invited themselves because they needed to drive an elderly invited family member. Fine. The distant family member then told us she’d be bringing her college age son too, and then RSVPed “maybe” for all of them on the RSVP card.

    None of them ended up coming, and they sent me some nice bowls from our registry, but I remember at the time being WTF??

    • Not Sarah

      My mom said that her friend wouldn’t bring her husband would instead bring her daughter who I was friends with as a teenager. This is why I refuse to invite said friend with a blank plus one…

      • Cathi

        I’m still a little grumpy (just a little, I promise) five years later that my stepsister substituted my nephew’s 15 year old friend in lieu of her husband.

        I get what I assume her logic was, in that they’d RSVP’d for X# people and it’d have been rude to just waste that spot. But we could have used that adult-priced spot for a friend who managed last minute to get a ride to Chicago from Philly, who we then had to pay extra + “inconvenience fee” for. Plus like… who was that kid? I really wish she had asked.

    • topscallop

      Is “maybe” even an option on an RSVP?!

      • Violet

        I blame FB for this phenomenon of RSVP’ing “maybe.”

      • Not Sarah

        My wedding website allowed maybes but I canned that. That is ridiculous.

  • emilyg25

    My parents couldn’t handle the idea of a summer wedding outside with no gin and tonic. Fortunately, we had a DIY bar, so it was easy enough to add a bottle of gin and case of tonic next to our beer and wine, just to get them to quit whining.

    The most irritating thing was that my BIL couldn’t handle that we weren’t having toasts. He took it upon himself to make one. While what he said was brief and perfectly lovely, we had made a conscious decision NOT to do that, and if we had wanted toasts, we would have had someone else make them. But ah well.

    And the stupid shuttle thing. People have no idea how much that shit costs.

    • Yael

      I mean, they’re not wrong about the G&Ts #TeamGin

      • Amy March

        And while we are on the subject I’ve repeatedly been subjected to weddings that do not serve rosé. What, I am expected to mix my red and white wines together or go thirsty?

        • Not Sarah

          This is surprisingly common at the non-winery weddings I’ve been to. I just double checked and our reception will in fact have rosé. Phew!

          • Amy March

            Or, horrors, kosher white zin. #notrosé

        • Yael

          Philistines!

        • LazyMountain

          A rosé was literally the first wine we picked. And god did we have fun doing it. Also I’ve just learned that it can also be referred to as summer water? Whatever it is I love it all year found.

      • emilyg25

        Yeah, they kinda had a point with that one. :)

    • Would love more reasoning behind your not having toasts and such. My partner and I are toying with not doing this as well because…I don’t know, we just don’t have a strong pull to. We’re really trying to not include things in the ceremony or reception that don’t truly serve a purpose. Wondering what your thought process was?

      • emilyg25

        Same reason as you: didn’t wanna. I don’t like being the center of attention like that and I generally find toasts awkward. Our plan was for my husband and I to stand up and make a toast to our community (all our guests).

        • Sara

          We are trying our best to avoid this but I am just terrified that well-meaning family and friends won’t oblige.

          • AbFab

            Are you having a DJ or someone who is in charge of the microphone? If there’s someone in charge of moving things along and not giving up the mic, you are probably (hopefully!) ok.

          • Sara

            We don’t do toasts at the wedding where I’m from – they happen at the rehearsal dinner (and we are doing a dessert thing after for a wider group). So, I’m not worried about the day of but the night before.

      • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

        We didn’t do toasts because we didn’t really think about it. After the fact, I kind of wished we’d have had a chance to thank our guests and sing happy birthday to a kid, but it didn’t come to pass, and it was fine.

      • Diverkat

        We only allowed our parents to speak, and if I had to do it over again, I would have made sure my moms both had food before they got hold of the mic…. it went on a bit longer and a bit more meandering than we had hoped as they had already been a few cocktails in!

        Our reasoning was twofold: one, we both have some friends who would not be the person you’d want mixing alcohol and a microphone, so we wanted to stop any speech faux pas from happening. Second, we both felt that listening to people prattle on about us for 30 minutes just seemed like too much, and I’d rather everyone was having fun instead of feeling like the toasts dragged on for ages – and I should point out that this is my feeling about toasts in general, and I realise not EVERYONE feels this way. I’ve just been to too many weddings where they more or less had an open mic session and toasts lasted for more than an hour! In our case, no one seemed to mind that we had limited them to just parents, and then my husband and I both said some quick thank-yous. I think it lasted about 15 minutes tops.

        I think if you do away with them altogether, no one will miss it. Those that do, well, it’s not their wedding.

  • overitatx

    Apparently in my family if you don’t have a groom’s cake then the wedding cannot go on.. Even though they’ve known for almost a year now that we were not having a groom’s cake at the request of my FH because he saw it as unnecessary. Instead we were planning to serve another dessert in place of it as it is something else he prefers more than cake.

  • idkmybffjill

    My uncle COULD NOT BELIEVE we had the audacity to have a Chicago wedding in October, because my family is from Texas and would “absolutely freeze”. It was like 78 on our wedding day. No one even had to wear coats! Lol

    ETA: It was also inside. INSIDE.

    • InTheBurbs

      October=beautiful in Chicago…

      • idkmybffjill

        My sentiments exactly. It very well could’ve been 50 degrees, but I still wouldn’t call that “absolutely freezing” for an indoor wedding! Bring a coat!

        • penguin

          Wait the wedding was indoors? People really will always find something to complain about.

          • idkmybffjill

            Yes! Ha. And the ceremony and reception were even in the same place. So all people had to do was leave their hotel, get in a taxi, come to the wedding, leave in a taxi. ha!

    • sofar

      We had our wedding in July in WI and we had to put an explainer on our website that it might get chilly at night (as we were by the lake). My husband is a Texan, so he insisted on this warning because, “None of these people will even be able to conceive of it being less than 100 degrees in July.”

      Still, October is FINE. The Texans probably enjoyed getting out of their still-90-degree-in-October weather.

      • idkmybffjill

        They did enjoy it!! And I agree with your husband that some Texans might not be able to conceive of it – but those texans have access to the weather channel just like the rest of us! Also when my family comes “up north” they’re always prepared for blistering cold, even in July. lol

        • sofar

          My MIL legit asked, when I told her the wedding date (in July), “Will there be snow?” I laughed. She wasn’t kidding.

          • Jane

            So good!

    • Ditto! Minnesota in March inspired so many worries about the weather. I think my MIL threatened to show up in her fur coat. It turned out to be 65 and sunny all weekend, so the Southerners somehow managed to survive.

      • idkmybffjill

        I absolutely asked my uncle if he’d been warm enough. Lol

      • thechimes

        LOL on the southerners!

        Re: MN—We did Minnesota in May and it ended up being 43°, which was surprising but not surprising at the same time. We planned for it to possibly be cold but the forecast up until literally the morning of called for 75° and sunny. Did a lot of Farmer’s Almanac research to pick the most historically warm day, but of course we ended up with THE historic low on the day of our wedding. We did our ceremony outside as planned. We herded everybody inside until the minute we were going to start the ceremony and back inside the second we were done. Ceremony was 17 mins (my 7-yo niece kept track on her watch). Reception was indoors. Glad we did it outdoors because the pictures are amazing and indoors would have been blah.

      • Ally Lowe

        I have a sister who is 100lbs soaking wet and gets goosebumps when it’s below 73 degrees (california girl), and I have been stressing to her that it’s going to be COLD, so bring leggings, bring her Uggs, scarves, gloves, bring a serious winter down coat, bring beanies. She has been warned LOL. She say’s she’s ready.

    • sara

      That’s amazing!!

    • BSM

      Coldest wedding I’ve ever been to (including a handful of New England weddings in the fall and spring) was San Francisco in August. It was <40 degrees, the ceremony and cocktail hour were outside, and I was so thankful I'm local and knew to bring my WOOL COAT.

    • Jan

      HA! My sister had a January wedding in Chicago. It was like -5 the entire weekend and our family is all from the South. They all managed fiiiiiiine.

    • tilbury

      My friends keep warning me early November in CT could be too cold. I think we’ll fine at our indoor city wedding, but thanks for stressing me out friends! Want to talk cold? I went to a December wedding in Buffalo once.

      • idkmybffjill

        I’ve been to a January chicago wedding and a blizzard rolled through. Luckily it rolled in at like 9pm on the night of the wedding, so people just grabbed cars home a little earlier. It was inside! I would say the only issue of cold is inclement weather for traveling guests. Otherwise…. if it’s inside you are FINE.

    • Ally Lowe

      February in Seattle. No one is questioning it or complaining to my knowledge, but most people are also from Seattle and not shook about it. The people I have coming from out of state are also FROM Colorado and Nebraska, so they know cold. It’s indoors too. And if they are complaining they can suck it because it’s happening LOL.

    • Lisa

      If it makes you feel better, my husband’s Californian family was also REALLY CONCERNED about the weather for an October wedding in Chicago. They thought there might be plane delays (because of snow) and that they would need winter coats. (It was definitely in the mid-70s at our wedding as well.) We had considered November 1 briefly because both the church and Rev Brew were available that day, but my husband thought his family would not be able to survive the idea of a November Chicago wedding. (Because that’s basically winter.)

  • Eh

    Oh the problems other people came up with for our wedding…
    1. My MIL thought that people would take the board games we had as centerpieces, since people take home the centerpieces at weddings. I pointed out that at her other son’s wedding the centerpieces were rented and no one took them home. (She also thought using game boards as centerpieces was weird and thought we should have flower.)
    2. My FIL thought that my husband and his brother (who was supposed to be our Best Man) should wear tuxes because that’s what people do. My husband had already picked out suits for them to buy which were the same price as renting tuxes, the problem was that my BIL didn’t like that he had to be measured, order the suit, have it tailored, since that takes more time (which is why we told him he had to go earlier) than if he was just renting a tux.
    3. My MIL thought it was a bad idea that I let my sister/MOH pick her own dress (I gave her a colour and let her run with it). This one confused me a bit since there was no one for my sister to match with. I trust my sister buy a dress that is appropriate for a wedding.
    4. After it became clear that my BIL probably wouldn’t come to our wedding, my FIL insisted that my husband ask someone else to be Best Man because he had never heard of a wedding not having a Best Man. My FIL even said he would be honoured to be my husband’s Best Man.
    5. Members of my family, who for some reason thought I should get married in the city I was born in (where most of them still live), despite having not lived there since I was 6 years old.

    • NolaJael

      “My FIL even said he would be honoured to be my husband’s Best Man.” Oof. Ew.

      • penguin

        Yeah I wrinkled my nose at that one.

      • Eh

        That was my reaction too. My husband comes from a narasisstic family so I wasn’t surprised that my FIL made a family feud that was causing us stress and resulting in his sons not talking into something that benefited him, instead of trying to help his sons get along. (They actually claimed that they had nothing to do with the family feud, even though it was about how my inlaws and their extended family treated my SIL.)

    • Jennifer

      I LOVE the game boards. I wish we had done that but my side of the family doesn’t play games. I did go to a wedding that had this and it was the most fun ever.

      • Eh

        We love board games (actually having a games night tonight) and didn’t care what other people thought. We picked games that most people knew or were easy to learn. The most popular game was Cards Against Humanity.

        • Anna S.

          We’re thinking about doing this for our wedding (we are big board gamers!). Do you have a list of games you used? I feel like games I think everyone would know would end up being too hard. (What do you mean not everyone loves Splendor as much as I do??).

          • Eh

            The games (that I can remember) we had were Jenga, the game of life, sorry, snakes and ladders, pictionary, apples to apples, munchkin, trivial pursuit, cards against humanity.

            We had lots of kids at our wedding so we had games they could easily play. For the tables that were all adults we tried to pick games that most people would know or are really fast to learn. We had munchkin at a table with people we play munchkin with frequently so we knew they knew the rules. (At tonight’s game evening we played Tiny Epic Galaxies for the first time, which was interesting to do with two kids running around.)

          • E.

            We are having a board games table and tried to think of some of our simpler games and more common games that more people know so our list right now is:
            codenames
            bananagrams
            chess/checkers/backgammon set
            cribbage
            spaceteam
            hive
            cards
            the game from cracker barrel
            hopefully love letters wedding edition if they get their store back up and running in time!

            We decided against a lot of our favorite games (pandemic, splendor, etc) because we thought they would be too complicated and not enough people would know them.

  • theteenygirl

    My mother has been the QUEEN of these. She doesn’t believe that ANY weddings should take place outside and has been trying to get me to move the entire event indoors, which reeeeally defeats the purpose of getting married at an Inn in a forest.

    • theteenygirl

      I just remembered the tizzy my mum got into the other day when she realized when we said “beer, wine, and a signature cocktail” we really meant just those three things for alcoholic drinks. She then explained that because we’re only having 25 guests, we should really find out what everyone’s preferred drink is and make sure to have that on hand. NO MOM. It’s 25 guests, 7 of whom do not drink!

      • Ilora

        Whaaa?! That’s nuts!
        A few years back while dress shopping with a friend who was getting married (I was her maid of honour) the bride’s mom spent a solid 30 minutes trying to get me on her side to convince my friend not to have an outdoor wedding. “Such a shame that Church weddings just aren’t the thing anymore, times have really changed. Don’t you think a church wedding would be so lovely” etc. She seemed so disappointed to find out that not only was I also planning an outdoor wedding, but my parents had theirs outdoors as well, nearly 30 years ago!

        • theteenygirl

          Hahaha my mom told me that “outdoor weddings were a thing in the 70s why would I want to have one now”.

  • Abby

    LOVE THIS THREAD.

    My future MIL “What do you mean you aren’t including bottles of wine in the guest bags? My friends expect those!!!”

    • Les

      Um, I would like to be MIL’s friend. FREE WINE!

      • Les

        But also… wtf craziest ‘party favor’ ever

    • Amy March

      Then she can buy and deliver them?

    • emmers

      I mean… she’s welcome to pay for and compile all those guest bags if she wants. Yikes, MIL!

      • Right? Like… Those sound like a nice item for the lovely guest bags that MIL can go right ahead and make for her own dang friends.

    • Violet

      If this is a prank your MIL’s friends are playing on her… kudos to them. It’s working. Free wine!

    • Jessica

      That’s something my mom would do just for the folks who were helping a lot–like “Susan and Sharon have really helped pull the flowers together, let’s get them a bottle of wine for the hotel.”

      But every guest? Nope nope nope.

    • Not Sarah

      This thread is the best for venting and making me feel so much better to hear everyone else’s rants!!

    • emilyg25

      Oh em gee.

    • tilbury

      Does she maybe mean airplane sized bottles of wine? I could see that in hotel bags. But also totally not necessary or expected.

  • Bad DIL

    Two relatives who I have not been on speaking terms with for years were (and still are) FURIOUS that they were not asked to give speeches or readings at the wedding. Cause that’s normal.

    • Jess

      I’m always so confused about people who get upset about not doing a toast.

      • idkmybffjill

        Isn’t it always randos too? Like people you’re like… why would you ever do a toast?

        • Jess

          forever and always randos.

  • Margo

    After our first cake tasting, we decided to go with a chai flavored cake, with an ombré icing design, and added a lemon cake layer just in case some people had a problem with chai. My dad had a small meltdown- “Your cake isn’t for you, it’s for your guests!” (Ok agreed, dad but I think most guests will like chai or lemon flavor cake.) Then my dad proceeded to lay down the Law of Wedding Cakes, which no one else in the room had ever heard of. “ALL wedding cakes have white icing, white frosting AND WHITE CAKE! ONLY VANILLA CAKE!”

    … a year later, we wound up with a chocolate mocha cake, with white frosting. But who knew there were so many rules?

    • emmers

      Those original cakes sound so yum! And also chocolate mocha! You have delicious cake taste.

    • BSM

      Mmmmm, cake.

    • Fushigidane

      My mom had the same reaction to our chocolate cake after saying that my fiance could pick the inside of the cake (i.e. i picked what it looked like and he picked how it tastes.)

    • Not Sarah

      We are having a banana cake with nutella buttercream frosting, plus a vegan and gluten-free cake that is a coconut cake with strawberry basil buttercream. My mom said banana cake was weird and no one will eat it, while our friends and my in-laws have all said that sounds amazing. Personally I cannot wait to eat it again after the cake tasting!

      ETA: My mom asked if my partner liked the cake or if we just picked the one I wanted. I said we both loved it equally and if we hadn’t, we would have picked two flavours.

      • Leah

        Um banana and Nutella is actually the best combination ever and the other cake sounds so delicious too.

    • emilyg25

      We had a blackberry lime cake and also heard this “it’s for guestsssss” thing.

      • ssha

        YUM. I want to eat that. I would have been a very happy guest. We had lavender cake!

    • MKL

      In the UK traditional wedding cakes are fruit cake, not white cake. People literally make them months in advance and ‘feed’ them rum until the big day… ‘Tradition’ is such a squishy word.

    • Sara

      I don’t like cake and am not having one at my wedding but ummm, CHAI CAKE? I can get down with that!!

  • Kammy

    My problem was the color purple and a music request.

    We had a line for guests to request a song on their RSVP card. My future MIL’s favorite song is “House of the Rising Sun.” This the song she requested and could not understand why I refused to play it at the reception. (Are you kidding me?) We had many discussions about this…all ending with “but it’s my favorite song and I want to hear it.” I found out after the fact she complained to my husband at our reception because she hadn’t heard it played.

    She also complained that I was having white tablecloths and not purple ones (our wedding colors were purple and white with gold for accents). I picked purple because both our moms like it (so I thought I’d have zero questions/complaints about my color choices), but I underestimated how much my MIL LOVES the color. She thought everything should be purple and repeatedly questioned me over every accessory, flower, etc. and if something wasn’t going to be purple, I heard about it. She also added extra purple decorations (flowers, ribbons, and tulle!!!) to the church after I overruled them while we were doing the rehearsal.

    She also bought purple mason jars as favors, even though we told her we already had favors. She then said we could use them as centerpiece decorations (which I had already planned and they didn’t work in the design). So she told us she returned them to the store, but showed up with box fulls when we were decorating the reception space and pouted until I found a way to use them. She then left.

    Had I know that was the key to getting her to leave, I would have done that first! But yeah, my advice is….don’t pick a color for your wedding if your MIL is obsessed with it.

    • Jessica

      My 5 year old niece is obsessed with purple, and she is cool when things aren’t purple. It just makes her love the purple stuff a little bit more.

    • Ilora

      I am speechless that she sneakily added decor! WTF?!

  • Tera

    At our rehearsal, my married sister/MOH freaked out bc no one was walking my octogenarian grandmother down the aisle like they did at -her- wedding. Um. Her wedding was 12 years ago, and our grandmother didn’t need a walker then.

  • jem

    FMIL is convinced that if we see each other before the wedding our marriage will be cursed. Never mind that we have lived together for 6 years. I booked a room with a two person tub for the night before the wedding and BY GOD WE ARE GOING TO USE IT.

    I’ve pretty much caved to the rest of the insane concerns by now (i.e. people wouldn’t know I was the bride if I wore a short dress, people would be scandalized if we didn’t do a first dance, people would be disappointed if the bridesmaids and I didn’t carry bouquets). Omg it feels so good to vent

    • penguin

      Haha right, this thread is therapy for me right now. My grandma and my FMIL are both kind of leery that we are doing first look photos before the ceremony. He sees me every day! It’ll be fine!

    • Jess

      I’m interjecting myself inappropriately into your life: Wedding Day Morning Sex! Cannot recommend highly enough. Ok, I’ll see myself out now.

      • jem

        Naturally!

      • Leah

        Ah the classic Dan Savage ‘fuck first’ advice. Also can’t recommend more highly. When we went to bed drunk at 3 am after our wedding, it was great not to have to worry about whether we ‘should’ have sex on our wedding day…

        • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

          Oh yeah. We got to our cabin at 4, after a lost key disaster, so zilch happened that night. Then I got my period the next day, so nothing happened for awhile!

      • ART

        Agree times a million.

      • tilbury

        I wanted to do this SO BAD but one of our groomsmen has convinced my FH that we need to spend the night apart because FH will definitely stay out later than me the night before. Which I get. And he would come in late and wake me up and annoy me. But I heard about wedding day morning sex a year or so ago and think it’s just the best idea ever.

    • zana

      Walked by a couple guests after family photos, before ceremony. Husband’s cousin sees us and says, “It’s bad luck to see the bride before the wedding!” THANKS FOR THE WELL-WISHES.

      • idkmybffjill

        I wish you’d burst into tears. People are garbage.

  • BSM

    EVERYONE was really, really concerned that we wanted to serve drinks before the ceremony. We had passed trays of Red Stripe, champagne, and lemonade for the 20ish minutes between arrival time and ceremony start time, and exactly zero people got drunk, just like we repeatedly told our families.

    Also, my in-laws never understood that I had fewer bridesmaids than my husband had groomsmen because I wanted to.

    • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

      People pregamed at ours, and our bar was apparently open, so people got a little tipsy! But, it made the impromptu receiving line even more fun and emotional.

      • BSM

        This was my husband’s argument: if you think all of our college/HS friends would not already be drinking cocktails before our 5pm wedding, you are sorely mistaken.

      • Yael

        Pre-gaming is actually built into traditional Jewish weddings. The tisch is essentially an on-site bachelor party. We’re having a morning wedding tho, so people won’t be able to get too drunk.

    • jem

      We’re serving cocktails for an hour before the ceremony and I hope everyone gets tipsy!!!!!!! Let hugs and tears flowwwwwww

      • BSM

        Weeeeeee!!

        Also, it’s hella awkward when you arrive at a wedding and are just milling around quietly trying to figure out where to sit and if anyone you know is there. We wanted things to be laid back and fun as soon as our guests arrived #sorrynotsorry.

  • Eve

    My sister is insisting I absolutely HAVE to wear something on my head. Not necessarily a veil, but a headband or flowers or something because then it will be “different than every day” and “bridal.” She keeps sending me pictures of brides with short hair wearing cute headbands.

    • rebecca

      “But how will they know you’re the briiiiiiiiiide?” complaints are my favorite. If someone is not a plus one and they’re genuinely confused as to who is getting married, how did they end up with an invitation?

      • penguin

        Right? And if you’re confused, look towards the front for the people saying vows during the ceremony…

    • Jess

      My mom insisted that I wear my veil the whole wedding reception, so people could always find me in a crowd. One time she made the mistake of asking rhetorically, “Don’t you think that’s such a good point” to which I responded, “No, I don’t, and I’ll be planning on removing after ceremonial dances so that I don’t get too hot.”

  • Brynna

    Oh, also we had our wedding during the day and didn’t have dancing, which CONFUSED EVERYONE.

    I love this topic.

    • Sarah

      we had a lunch/picnic reception on the church lawn after our 12pm ceremony. No DJ, speeches, etc. One friend suggested entertainers like a comedian, juggler, etc. Lol. I think people amused themselves. :)

    • Yael

      I’m actually kind of worried about this for my wedding, but, it will be what it will be.

      • Brynna

        Everyone had a great time – we had a live band play soft jazzy music and people chatted and mingled. The vibe was light and fun; since it was afternoon, it was leisurely. We didn’t want the “epic dance party” that people tend to associate with weddings nowadays. It’s so NOT us.

  • Liz

    My mother said it wasn’t a wedding unless we served lobster. Which a) I don’t even like much and b) IT’S A JEWISH WEDDING. AND MY IN-LAWS KEEP KOSHER. AS DOES, YOU KNOW, THE RABBI.

    • toomanybooks

      Ah yes, the ceremonial wedding lobster. (Don’t even want to think about how much it would cost to serve lobster to all the guests I had.)

    • Leah

      WHAT?! I have never heard of the traditional wedding lobster. Does it have to wear white?

      • penguin

        As long as the shade of white that the lobster is wearing doesn’t clash with the white that the bride is wearing…

        • Leah

          Oh yes. Can’t have the lobster wearing “oyster” when the bride is wearing “snow”

          • suchbrightlights

            This is the kind of important content I come here for.

    • Diverkat

      WHAAAA?!

      LOBSTER???

      No.

    • Liz

      Right? Right? Thank you. FFS.

  • rebecca

    My mother is convinced my bridesmaids won’t know what to do with their hands without bouquets and also that since we’re not doing a cake no one will know when they’re allowed to leave. My fiance’s mother tried to convince us that we needed to hire a private shuttle for our wedding that is in a single location in a city with one of the best public transit systems in the US.

    • Violet

      Better watch out: I’m sure your bridesmaids will resort to playing hand clapping games in the middle of your ceremony for want of anything else to do with their hands.

      • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

        ooh, or making the ‘blood’ sign out of their fingers!

    • Emily

      But what do your bridesmaids do with their hands any other time they’re standing in public?

      • Violet

        They always carry flowers with them, wherever they go. Naturally.

        • Jess

          AS ONE DOES.

          • Violet

            I mean, I’m holding a bouquet of flowers right now.

    • Ilora

      If they sneak yarn down the aisle the bridesmaids could pass the time by playing cats cradle ;)

    • LadyJanee

      And yet no one is ever concerned about what the groomsmen might do with their hands when they don’t have anything to hold during the ceremony…

  • ManderGimlet

    Luckily no one is “creating” problems, but they are getting really anxious over things that are both normal and completely out of my control (weather primarily). We’re making plans for all eventualities, it’s the best we can do, no reason to get hysterical over it! Or getting really worked up about who will be staying in what room when we haven’t even sent out our invitations yet.

  • Mrrpaderp

    Maybe OT, but people made up lots of BS problems when I canceled my wedding. I canceled over 3 months in advance and no one had booked plane tickets or bought gifts (at least from the registry) etc. And tbh, maybe if your friend canceled her wedding because her future husband threw fucking fire at her, you can keep your damn mouth shut about your nonreturnable cookie jar?

    My mother is the queen of imaginary problems – what if people bought you a gift but you didn’t know (what am I supposed to do about this?), but you look so good in the dress maybe you can get it remade into something else (just… no), maybe you can still have the bachelorette party you already planned and paid for (also no), what about the deposits??? (you’re right, that hadn’t occurred to me, I’m calling him now to take him back), why don’t you throw a not-a-wedding for your half of the guests on your would’ve-been wedding day (ugh).

    • Jenny

      Oooof. Sorry. That sounds hard on top of hard already.

    • Yiiiiiikes. That’s next level, imaginary problems should be at the very bottom of every list in that situation :/.

    • Jess

      WTF. You do not get to have feelings about somebody’s cancelled wedding other than “I’m so sorry that their relationship didn’t work out, and I hope they are moving on to a happier future.” maybe with a twinge of “Aw, I was hoping for an excuse to see long-lost-cousin, but I’ll just call them instead”

    • Ilora

      If my friend cancelled her wedding for that reason I would most definitely give her the non-refundable cookie jar and it would be overflowing with cookies…

  • nyc_to_ma

    My parents REALLY want us to invite my sister’s in-laws to the wedding. They insist that they will be super offended if they’re not invited. These are people who I’ve met all of three times (my sister’s college graduation, bridal shower, and wedding). And we’re having a small-ish 80 person wedding that’s 1/3 the size of my sister’s wedding and is just our close family and friends – all people who we talk to regularly. I DO NOT understand this and it is driving me crazy.

    • idkmybffjill

      I would be….. deeply confused if my brother invited my in-laws to his wedding. We’re not that type of close family.

      • rebecca

        lord, please never let my siblings invite my in-laws to anything

        • idkmybffjill

          Praise be to god.

    • MDBethann

      We actually do a lot of joint things with my in-laws and my family; my SIL and sister are actually friends. When my sister gets married one day, I wouldn’t be surprised if she invited at least my SIL, BIL, niece, & nephew, but I don’t think anyone would be hurt if they weren’t invited. But it’s a “know your audience” thing. Honestly, what does your SISTER and BIL say about it? They would probably be the best ones to consult about whether or not the BIL’s parents would be offended.

      • nyc_to_ma

        Maybe this makes me a jerk… but part of me doesn’t really care if they’re offended. They’re used to 250-300 person HUGE weddings – where you can invite literally everyone you know. We are purposely having a smaller wedding because we only want people we are close with to be there. Hopefully they’ll understand that… or maybe they’ll just think I’m a jerk.

        • penguin

          Yeah you definitely don’t have to invite your sister’s in-laws to your wedding, and you don’t have to consult anyone on that decision. Your parents are being weird.

        • MDBethann

          No you aren’t being a jerk and you don’t have to invite them. I know my situation isn’t necessarily normal (i only mentioned it to show that it wouldn’t be unheard of).

          I only suggested talking to your sister and BIL because since they know everyone involved (your parents AND BIL’s parents) they might be able to help you manage the situation and take the stress off of you. Chances are, BIL’s parents probably don’t care and won’t be offended (nor should it be YOUR problem if they are offended). Looping sis and BIL in no matter what may just help keep the peace and manage expectations, not to mention your sister and BIL getting blow back IF BIL’s parents are, for some odd reason, offended.

          There’s no reason you should invite someone neither you or your partner don’t really know to your wedding. Full stop.

    • Sarah

      My MIL also wanted us to invite our sister in law’s parents and we’ve never met them. had a 70ish person wedding and it was nice and now we see them every year and she’s come to my baby shower, etc. It thought it was nice, but we had a low-key wedding and could easily afford two extra folks. 80 isn’t THAT small if that’s your concern.

    • Marcela

      I had to invite my FH’s sister’s inlaws to our wedding. It was weird.

    • Alex K

      We had to invite my husband’s sister’s in laws a well. They didn’t come so meh, but his younger brother is now getting married and is being made to invite my parents and sister’s in laws. With 4 kids this could spiral quickly.

    • Not Sarah

      My mom wanted me to invite my aunt’s in-laws to the wedding! Aka my dad’s oldest sister’s late husband’s siblings. I had to restrain myself from laughing at her.

    • Tera

      Ugh, my sister and I got into a huge fight on Thanksgiving over the fact that she assumed that her in-laws would be invited to my wedding. Bc “they’re family.” Yeah, only to you! I knew it would be A THING she would never let me forget so I gave up and just invited them anyway to shut her up. What is wrong with people?!

      • Ashlah

        That is so weird! They’re her family, not your family. I would never expect my in-laws to be invited to my siblings’ weddings. I’m sure there are some cases where in-laws become integrated with the other side of the family, regularly attending holidays and such, but not as a general rule.

        • Tera

          Seriously! I see them most years on Thanksgiving and Christmas so in her head we’re all just one big family and there was no convincing her otherwise >_<

      • ART

        That’s so strange, I mean…my brother has hung out with my in-laws on numerous occasions and will probably wind up visiting their place this summer, and I still would never expect him to invite them to his (hypothetical) wedding.

  • Lizzie

    WARM FOOD (are you f*cking kidding me?!?!)

    Father-in-law threw a sh*t fit over the prospect of a cold lunch buffet spread. (Steak & veggie sandwiches, fancy salads, meat & cheese plates, etc…) Almost sprained my eye muscles rolling them so hard. God forbid, amirite?

    • Yael

      That sounds delicious! The only time I could think that you maybe should have warm food is for a winter wedding, but even then, not everything has to be warm.

      • Lizzie

        Hah, true true! We were a summer daytime wedding so it Made Sense. Also, said father-in-law was so thoroughly horrified that he actually paid out of his own pocket to upgrade to a seated hot (lol) lunch menu for our 90 guests. Fiiiiiiiiine by me. :)

    • Sara

      Any day that I get to make a meal out of a cheese plate and a sandwich is a GODDAMN GOOD DAY.

      • Lizzie

        RIGHT? THANK YOU. What’s missing? Nothing!

  • Vanessa

    There was a bear attack this weekend about 15 minutes drive from my venue, closer as the crow flies. (http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-40559343) So now not only do I have to tell our guests (who will be there 3 nights staying in cabins that don’t have keys where I’m sure some of them will keep food despite our requests otherwise), I also have to decide whether my dad is serious when he says he going to bring a shotgun, and then decide how to deal with that. Not exactly an invented problem, not what I expected to be dealing with for my wedding.

    • Amy March

      Yeah bears might eat you feels like a real problem.

      • Vanessa

        Yeah definitely not one of those where in retrospect you can say “You know what? I know your cousin got mauled by a bear but we got married and that’s all that matters.”

    • penguin

      Closer as the crow flies, also closer as the bear walks…

      • Vanessa

        :(

        • penguin

          Sorry! Hope it all works out with a minimum of bear involvement.

          • Vanessa

            It’s ripe for jokes, maybe after they capture the rogue attack bear.

    • NolaJael

      I think this is the kind of problem where it needs to look like someone is handling it, even if bears are unpredictable and it’s unlikely to be an issue. So some kind of reminder for guests like “due to recent activity in the area, guests are reminded to…” and maybe have a couple strategically located cans of bear spray. That should be enough to calm people.

      • Vanessa

        Yes, definitely. We have til mid September so I think a couple weeks before the wedding I’ll probably send an email and then include info and flashlights in the welcome bags (and NO FOOD SORRY FRIENDS), and bear spray and maaaayyyybe a couple air horns that my fiance’s friends don’t know about :-P

    • Oh dear… I’m sorry, that’s stressful. Group icebreaker party that also happens to be a bear safely protocol party? Bear mace as wedding favors? (I’ve seen stats that it’s more effective than firearms, though definitely don’t take my word for that as I am decidedly not a non-bear deterrent expert.)

      In all seriousness, I would at least suggest emphasizing the food thing as a Really. Big. Deal. Hopefully it all goes smoothly and your wedding is Ursidae free!

    • Arie

      Oh find the article where they explain that bears in CO really only do this shit in July because there’s a gap in food – all the spring treats are gone and the august berries haven’t had enough rain to come in yet. By september, the bears will be noshing away on snacks elsewhere!

  • Her Lindsayship

    I’ve had a lot of weird convos with my mom around this wedding stuff. Most recently she’s of the mind that I’m a little too wound up about it and she keeps telling me to “just breathe”. It’s true that I’m very focused on the wedding right now and it’s taking up pretty much all of my time. But IT’S IN TWELVE DAYS. I’m not yet at the “no fucks given” stage and this seems to make my mom think I’m getting too worked up about everything. This isn’t even me in stressed out mode. I’ve been perfectly friendly and made time to hang out with her, but I can’t devote entire days to just chillin right now.

    Basically my mom’s invented problem is that she thinks I’m inventing problems, but then also she has this real “people want options” attitude that is not helping! “People want to decide the day of if they’re coming” NOPE. “People want explicit directions to get to the venue” from the shuttle bus we’re providing that drops them off at the entrance?? “People want you to have your own special entrance song because the day is all about you!” I like the processional song we chose for our whole processional, we’re not switching songs twenty seconds in so I can be sure everyone knows the princess has arrived, and also nooooooo. [end rant]

    PS: no offense to anyone who did switch songs 20 seconds in and/or did want everyone to know the princess had arrived – it’s just not what I want. And for some reason she really wanted to convince me I was wrong. Why??

    • JC

      We just went to a wedding where they switched songs after 20 seconds, and it was quite awkward. Plus, my boyfriend and I just don’t really have a music repertoire that we share. He turned to me after this last wedding and said, “What if you walked down the aisle to…Here Comes the Bride?” You know what? I might just do that.

      • Her Lindsayship

        Yeah, I’ve been to several where there was no transition, just an abrupt switching of songs. And even if it’s done smoothly, I find it kinda cheesy, but I didn’t want to say that to my mom. It’s hard to maintain a friendly ‘nah, not my thing’ when someone repeatedly pushes you though.

    • idkmybffjill

      Honestly the only legit defense for the song thing is that it cues people to stand up. But guess what, as soon as they see you walking down the aisle they’ll stand up!

      • InTheBurbs

        Or you can have whomever is marrying you say, “Please rise”

        • idkmybffjill

          Careful on volume there. The wedding I’m thinking of where it was one song and people didn’t stand at first – the officiant kept gesturing for people to rise and it didn’t connect until bride was halfway down the aisle. Still didn’t matter though.

        • Alison M

          Yeah, I wanted to be sure that people stood for both of us, not just me, so we just had the celebrant tell them. Easy.

      • Ashlah

        Yep! I didn’t even want people to stand up, and we didn’t switch the song at all, but they absolutely did stand as soon as I got close.

      • Her Lindsayship

        I didn’t even think of that because I’m with @disqus_SU83Haapqj:disqus in that I’d prefer if people didn’t stand. But if they do that’s fine. I just don’t need to draw special attention to my entrance for it.

        • idkmybffjill

          Yes – especially if you prefer people not stand, not switching songs is the easiest way to make that dream come true!

    • Jess

      Gee, I wonder why you’re so stressed out? Maybe it’s because somebody keeps throwing completely ridiculous problems at you to solve…

    • I tried to walk down the aisle with the same song as the rest of my wedding party…and they all shouted me down and said I needed my own special song :-/

      • Her Lindsayship

        I never would’ve guessed anyone but me would care about what song was playing when I walked down the aisle! Wtf??

    • Amanda

      You’d be shocked at the number of Catholic brides who have picked out an entrance song for themselves, generally the Wagner that has a very obvious fanfare beginning, who do not wait for their piece to start. As the singer, I cue the organist about the pieces, and I’m always like, “okay nope, just stick with Jesu Joy, cause she’s already up there.”

      So, even when it matters to them, apparently day of it doesn’t.

      • Rose

        Agh, one of my clearest memories from before our ceremony is standing outside the sanctuary (not Catholic, but still a church) and freaking out because I realized that while I quite liked the Mozart fanfare that the pianist had suggested we use for the processional, I wasn’t entirely sure if I would recognize it. I’m honestly still not sure to this day if we walked in at the intended moment or not. Everything still seemed to work out, though!

        • LadyJanee

          I couldn’t hear my music from where I was standing so I just started walking when I figured I’d waited long enough. I ended up walking in during my favourite part of he song so that worked out well :)

    • nutbrownrose

      I am also getting married in TWELVE DAYS, and we were meeting with our baker yesterday and I was like, “I have a cake topper and this general idea and will give you some flowers the day before, I trust you” and FH was like “what is this you spent 40 hours looking at cake toppers how do you suddenly not care about the cake?” and I was like “I found a cake topper. I’ll buy the flowers. I don’t have the brain power/energy to design a cake?”
      But we also don’t have any music whatsoever yet. So, there’s that to worry about.

      • penguin

        Good luck on the music! My fiancé and I have been adding to a shared Spotify playlist to build up a list of music we both like for the wedding. My processional is going to be to Concerning Hobbits from the Lord of the Rings soundtrack lol. I love it.

        • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

          Spotify weddings are amazing! We had such fun planning out a pre-ceremony playlist and a dancing playlist.
          Your processional sounds amazing! That’s one of my favorite pieces of music.

          • Sara

            This is what we are doing too!

      • Her Lindsayship

        Congratulations on finding at least one area of wedding zen! I had a similar moment when I realized the ceremony reading will either be great or it’ll just be ok, and either way we will still get married and people will still be emotional because it’s a freakin wedding.

        Good luck with music decisions!

      • Diverkat

        We did our music the week of the wedding, and we didn’t do spotify. We had the dancy mix, which I was in charge of, and the chill mix, which was where the good songs that you couldn’t dance to went (we had two areas to cater music for, so it was a bit of a pain). The chill mix was easy – you don’t need to try to structure it to suit dancing needs, like a break from fast songs and some slow bits put in for the couples or whatever. I think if you set aside a few hours to do the music it should be fine – and honestly, no one really cares THAT much. I’m dance/music obsessed, and on the day of, no one was agonising over the music, even me :)

        • nutbrownrose

          Well, we have a DJ, so we really only need to decide on the important songs and tell him. But that means he needs time to find the songs.

    • Lala

      Is your mother my mother? I’m still further out but this is so exactly my mom’s MO. So far, she has invented a nice collection of problems for me to solve, including the one wedding related task I asked her to handle because it was for her (she wasn’t able to find an option she thought was reasonably priced, this took me 15 minutes on Google and a couple emails), and being dissatisfied with all hotel room options until we moved heaven and earth for her when she threatened to stay far away from literally everyone else amd the venue for “privacy.” Looking forward to this and ahhhhh it feels good to vent.

    • Diverkat

      “People want options” is the hill my MIL was wanting to die on. I hate that so hard. It’s a wedding, not a damn restaurant/bar!!!!!

  • Maggie

    Oh man, my mom had some bonkers “…people like it when you do [this specific unnecessary thing], so you HAVE to do it!” moments. We did what she wanted on a few, and absolutely refused when she started saying we had to do specific things we didn’t want to do to please random individual people (with the implication that otherwise we were RUINING the wedding for these people). Frankly, my feeling was that if we had provided reasonable options (and covered everyone with serious food/etc needs), I didn’t care if someone’s *favorite* wasn’t available. My mom? did not feel the same way.

    -We HAD to do save-the-dates, because “well, people really like getting them, and looking at them!”, repeated ad nauseum. Whatever, I made cute postcards, it was about $55, fine.

    -“I think your food choices are going to be too “fancy” and intimidating for Dad’s family members (2 people!! who we barely talk to)! Can’t you just have the caterer make a few steaks for them?” No. That is not how this works. We are serving exciting but reasonable food. They are adults. They will figure it out based on the available choices and be fine. Also, my dad is incredibly picky and wolfed down all the leftovers from our tasting: they’ll be fine.

    -She insisted that we HAD to have a full bar, instead of just beer and wine. She’d never been to a wedding where they just had beer and wine! It’s not ok! We pushed back for awhile because we’ve been to lots of weddings with just beer and wine, a full bar is not necessary, and we didn’t want people to easily get super drunk. We finally decided we didn’t care that much and it wasn’t that much more expensive. Fine. Then…
    -“well, Aunt X likes Ketel One, and Aunt Y likes Grey Goose…” (exact quote) So? We got Absolut: they’ll drink it, or choose something else.
    Also, I hate chardonnay and so we weren’t serving any. But “Aunt Z only drinks Chardonnay! What will she have?!?” My mom actually bought a case of chard (and not one brand: it was random mixed bottles) and insisted we bring it. Mysteriously, it did not make it into the load-in, so no chard was available, and Aunt Z did, in fact, survive!

    Ugh.
    I did feel super vindicated when, the morning after, my mom told me that everything was so nice! and she had such a great time! and she was so impressed with my planning, and wasn’t going to micromanage me again! (hahaha, but I have witnesses to those statements, at least)

    • Not Sarah

      I think we have the same mother :) We added chicken to our menu to be less “intimidating” for such family members and so far, very few people have picked it.

  • Wanderer

    We are having a backyard wedding and I have had numerous people tell me I need to rent flooring for underneath the tent, because “What if people wear heels? What if it rains? What if it is too bumpy?”

    1.) Don’t wear heels TO A BACKYARD WEDDING
    2.) If it rains, we are adults, and I think we have learned how to dress appropriately for the weather, as the bride, if it rains, I will most likely be wearing rain boots, just saying.
    3.) Again, back to the “we are adults”, WATCH WHERE YOU ARE WALKING

    #icant

    • idkmybffjill

      Yeah, as long as people are aware it’s in a grass backyard (and you’re having a smaller wedding where people aren’t expecting your backyard to become the Ritz), they’ll choose shoes appropriately. Also if they don’t they’ll take off their heels and survive.

      • H

        Yeah, I would just be very very clear that guests are welcome to dress for comfort and that you don’t recommend heels.

        • idkmybffjill

          Also… don’t get too cute with this. I once went to a wedding that tried to communicate this by saying that the dresscode was “outdoor elegance”…. we were all like WHAT DOES THAT MEAN.

          • Leah

            Omg these made up dress codes are a NO. We went to a wedding with a “villa formal” dress code. Help your guests please what does that mean?!

          • Jan

            Ahmigahd I haaaaaaate cutesy dress codes. I already stress enough about what I’m supposed to wear. Don’t make me decode “St. Louis Chic”. Like, wut?

    • emilyg25

      I feel like I spent the entire summer of 2013 repeating BACKYARD WEDDING PLS DON’T WEAR HEELS!!

    • Anneke Oosterink

      Yeah, we are having a wedding in the pasture at my parent’s house. That was specified on the invite, that it was in a tent on grass. We happen to have flooring, mostly for the elderly and/or sick guests who have trouble with mobility, but still. They can deal.

    • suchbrightlights

      I am with you on what I have started to call “the goddamn bonafide grown up principle,” which is to say that there are some things that shouldn’t need explanation because the people we are inviting are theoretically adults who can make appropriate decisions and if they cannot it is not my problem to solve.

      We are also backyard + tent + no tent flooring and my sister is wearing heels. If she thinks she can do that without twisting her ankle, then she is beauty she is grace and I will bow to her superiority in these areas! For everyone else, in accordance with the goddamn bonafide grown up principle, I have put “the venue is a backyard, everything is on grass” on the website, and that’s gonna be that.

      • Leah

        “the goddamn bonafide grown up principle” is my new favourite term

      • Sara

        Adopting this principle immediately. Also I’m doing outdoor + no tent + no floor so now I feel woefully inadequate?

    • Jan

      If I had a fiver for every time I’ve told people not to wear heels to my backyard wedding I could probably pay for the buffet.

  • Kaitlyn

    For some reason, my entire family and some friends won’t stop asking me about the hotel blocks. I was under the impression that people booked their hotel rooms when STDs came out (which we’re sending in October). I have also explained to my mom multiple times that there is no way the hotel rooms in suburban Rhode Island in mid-April are going to sell-out any time soon. To add on top of this, I asked J to look into hotel blocks two months ago so every time I get asked about the hotels, I double get mad cuz 1. the wedding is in 10 months and 2. J STILL hasn’t looked into this ay yi yi

    • idkmybffjill

      Honestly some hotels won’t let you book that far in advance! That is weird that people are so concerned so soon!

    • Courtkay

      I had completely forgotten about this until I read your post, but we had one random family member call our venue (it was an inn, so hotel rooms were on-site) more than a year out to make a reservation and then called my MIL when they wouldn’t let her because we hadn’t set up the room block yet. My MIL then took it upon herself to call our venue coordinator to demand to know why her second cousin once removed wasn’t allowed to make a reservation. The coordinator was gracious and allowed her to make the reservation in advance, but we found all of this out after the fact and were absolutely mortified. Why do people think this must be done so far in advance!?

      • Kaitlyn

        People don’t even book their vacations that far in advance! My mom was like, “I’m going to make a reservation at a hotel now and I’ll change it to the hotel you booked after the block is made”. WHY. Like I get everyone has to book a hotel room (I’m from CT, he from MA so RI is right in between everyone), but we’re getting married near the hotel so there’s no less than 20 hotels and it’s not even remotely tourist season. I just find it baffling haha

        • Courtkay

          Haha that’s great. “Yes, hi, I’d like to book a room. I’m 100% sure I’m going to cancel it in 6 months, but it will make me feel better now if you just put my name down somewhere.”

        • Booking that far in advance can depend on job – I have some friends who have to book their holiday days the first week of the year (esp Christmas and summer holidays) or they can’t get the time off. Retail can be killer for days off in peak season – if you don’t book christmas eve on January 1st, you’re not getting it!

    • jem

      The people who asked us about hotel blocks insanely early waited till the last minute to book their rooms, so…

    • JR

      In that case, when you’re asked about this, refer the asker to J!

    • Jan

      Oh boy, we had this problem too. My FMIL was texting me every week telling me her family was asking about hotel blocks (I think this means that probably one person asked, once). We were still weeks from sending save-the-dates by that point! Then when we sent them out, she called me asking where the hotel information was. Our STD was a post card, with phrasing about accommodations info being found on our website pretty plainly written on the back (the part of a post card you typically, you know, READ). Oye.

    • Sara

      On this note, are we obligated to do hotel blocks?! I did not see the point but got questions about it. We just linked to Air BnB, VRBO and a Google Map with nearby hotels on the website. Like, it’s 2017, surely people can figure out their own lodging? Am I an asshole??

      • Kaitlyn

        Ehh I think it’s a nice courtesy, but you’re not obligated. Guests will get a discounted price on hotel blocks vs. booking on their own and takes out a bit of the guesswork for them. My brother didn’t do a hotel block, but half of our family is from out-of-state so I was getting a lot of questions about where the block was, etc. They booked hotels fine on their own though.

        • Sara

          Gotcha. I guess if our venue was inside the busy/crowded city center, I’d have thought hotel blocks were necessary… but it’s 45 minutes outside and there’s no shortage of affordable options so it just didn’t seem like a priority to me. Hopefully attendees see it that way too! ha.

  • Jane

    My aunt called my mom to ask if guests were responsible for paying for their own meals as our reception was at a wine bar and not a golf course. Apparently this is very confusing and we should have made it clear on our site that we weren’t expecting people to pay for their own food or drink AT OUR WEDDING.

    • Emily

      This made me laugh out loud. Wow.

    • WOW. Though I have seen wedding where guests were presented with an invoice so I can’t blame your aunt for checking.

      • idkmybffjill

        YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THAT TELL ME MORE RIGHT NOW.

        • This is totally second hand thanks to FB & Jezebel, hahaha. I have not actually seen this in the wild though I would love to solely for the story.

        • KH_Tas

          My now husband once received a wedding invite from a relative with just his name on it and a card that said something like ‘”you can bring a partner if they pay for their own meal, send money to “. We had been living together for three years. I did not attend.

          • idkmybffjill

            DID HE ATTEND NO WAY.

          • KH_Tas

            He didn’t feel able to say no, as one of the few local guests and in a family that’s good at Having Feelings. It was super awkward for him to go though, and ended up being much better for me, in spite of how furious I was about the whole thing. After several years it’s mostly a good story.

          • Diverkat

            NOOOOOO. What the fuck even IS that?!

          • Sara

            This is APPALLING.

          • Kate

            A friend of mine and her family received a wedding invitation with all the regular details and then on the bottom right corner it said something like: 85$ per person.

        • Cathi

          I worked at an upscale restaurant that did small events (<60 people) and the occasional wedding reception was held there. More typically it was bridal/baby showers, retirement parties, etc…

          The most uncomfortable moment of my 31 years on this planet was when a bride found me at the bar waiting for drinks for her group, frantic that I get back with "all the checks printed out" because people were starting to leave. My service partner and I didn't know it was a separate check sort of function, and judging from the reaction of the wedding guests, neither did they.

          • idkmybffjill

            Oh blessed mercy. This happened to me once bartending a private bridal shower. Whoever had booked the party with my manager KNEW it was a one check situation, but the person paying did not and she didn’t tip us at all. I’m still livid.

          • Violet

            Whaaaaaaaaaaa?!

      • Jess

        Whaaaaaaaaat!?!?

      • Jane

        Come to think of it, I remember being sent the PayPay donation information on FB for someone’s wedding a few years ago. Though in that case, I hadn’t spoken to the person in about a decade (we worked together when we were 16) and I wasn’t actually invited to the wedding.

        • Leah

          WHAT?!?!

    • Julia Schnell

      Wait. Would that have somehow been *more clear* at a golf course? I… I don’t understand.

      • Jane

        I also don’t understand! Though literally all of my cousins on that side had their receptions at golf courses, so I can only assume that the wine bar concept was just too far outside of her wedding paradigm. I still don’t understand how that meant “you have to pay for your meal” in her mind.

  • Befuddled22

    Let’s see. My mother insisted that my venue have a chapel, we have a catholic priest, that it be at a low elevation, and all the cousins be invited. My venue is outside, at 8k feet, and I caved with the guestlist but made her cut it off at 60 people she could invite. So much for a small ceremony….

    • Amy March

      Low elevation??

      • penguin

        New favorite wedding requirement.

      • Arie

        Yeah, elevation does introduce another (manageable!) element into the wedding. We had to really warn our people from the east coast that 1 beer goes further, to drink lots of water, that snow is possible in all months of the year….but yeah. not a legit requirement; it can be handled by adults.

  • Emily

    A dance floor. We’re having a backyard wedding and the owners (my dad and his girlfriend) INSISTED on renting a dance floor. Even though it’s going over perfectly smooth, flat concrete and I seriously doubt anyone is going to notice. But they wanted to pay so I guess it’s not on me. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

    • Amy March

      Oh I think people definitely notice? Concrete is no fun to dance on. I mean, obvi not a must, but if you want people to dance a dance floor helps!

      • idkmybffjill

        Also for one’s shoes! Dance floors won’t mess up my heels like concrete would, and dancing barefoot feels safer too if that’s one’s jam.

        • Emily

          Ah fair enough! I suppose it wasn’t so silly. It seemed an extravagance then but it seems they were onto something :)

          • idkmybffjill

            Hooray that they paid for it though!!

          • Emily

            Absolutely! It was very kind.

      • Jess

        I noticed when my SIL’s wedding was held nearly entirely on concrete. Good thing I brought flats, because my feet were hurting in heels I can usually wear for a full day.

    • Ashlah

      For various reasons, we could not have rented a dance floor for our wedding venue, and I was totally stressed about it. It was fine, like my family all insisted it would be! But! If someone else is insisting on it (and making it happen!) then that’s great! If you want dancing, it’s definitely a nice-to-have.

    • emilyg25

      At our wedding, people danced on the driveway. It was fine. Do you know how much of a PITA it is to set up a dance floor on uneven grass??

    • gladiolus.usul

      Something else to keep in mind is that concrete doesn’t have any “give” and so isn’t great for your ankles/knees when dancing! On the other hand, good dance floors will have spring in them which can absorb the force of impact and alleviate stress on the joints!

  • Sarah Liebman

    I think it should be illegal to say “But how will it look in pictures?” to anyone planning a wedding. This is how people find themselves bringing icing samples to compare to the dress swatches so that the dress doesn’t look yellow next to the cake. Insanity.

    • sofar

      For. Real.

    • Anneke Oosterink

      o_O man… Am I glad that if there’s a cake, it will be covered in blue and gold sprinkles XD I’m also glad I’m not at the stage of compairing decorations to dress etc. :P

    • Jane

      Wow. That is a level of commitment I had not even imagined.

  • Courtkay

    Pretty much all problems related to our wedding were manufactured by my MIL, but the two biggest ones were timing and distance:

    1. “The spring of two years from now isn’t going to work – two of your cousins get their first communion that year.” Because, you know, TWO YEARS notice is not enough time to plan a 7-year-old’s party around our wedding. This was clearly just an attempt to get us to have a shorter engagement. I was underemployed and in grad school at the time, and May or June were the best months for me because of school and work. We didn’t have the time or the money to plan a wedding in less than a year. “You don’t want to do next spring instead?” Sorry, nope.

    2. “But you couldn’t find anything closer? How will people get there?” Umm, in their cars? My MIL still has trouble wrapping her head around the fact that closer to her does not equal closer to everyone and everything. The majority of my family lives 2+ hours from her, but somehow her home was supposed to be the epicenter of all wedding events. The venue was about 90 minutes from the furthest guest (with the exception of the four or five people who would have to fly in from out-of-state no matter where we chose). It had ample, affordable hotel rooms on-site, and we planned some events for the day before and after the wedding so anyone who wanted to stay overnight felt taken care of. We liked the idea of having this extra time with our families and friends, but my MIL was BAFFLED. “I might have to rent a bus to get my people there!” In the end, there was no bus and people got there just fine.

    • Ashlah

      Two events in one season? Goodness me!

  • savannnah

    I’m not wearing shoes to my ceremony and my mother is losing her shit. You cant see my feet in my dress and I have shoe for the reception. She cried about it on the phone to me yesterday.

    • penguin

      Tell your mom she can wear two pairs of shoes? It’s wild what people get upset about for weddings…

    • theteenygirl

      I shouldn’t be laughing. But I’m laughing.

    • idkmybffjill

      omg DYING that she cried about it.

      • savannnah

        it was like an…angry cry too?

        • idkmybffjill

          omg even better I am so happy.

          Sorry – not happy, this shouldn’t be a thing you have to deal with but it DELIGHTS me.

          • NolaJael

            Same. We are horrible people.

    • Jane

      My step-mom might not wear shoes to the wedding (it’s almost all on grass). I think my mom would freak out about this, so I have decided not to tell her.

    • Sara

      I’m 90% sure I’m going barefoot too. Thus far, there have been tears (from my MIL) about other things, but not this, thankfully!

  • Fushigidane

    *NO one will come to the wedding (even though they practically all seem to make it to a bbq with 1 week’s notice)
    *NO one likes chocolate cake
    *Everyone will think I’m stupid for putting my full name on the invitation and putting my mother’s name or think she’s divorced. It should be Mr. & Mrs. Dad
    * We’re going overbudget (we were underbudget and I had given her a list of expenses and projected expenses down to the last stamp.)
    *Someone will think my brother is the groom because I gave him a boutonniere
    *I’m an idiot for even thinking of both my parents walking me down the aisle
    *Getting a videographer is a complete waste of money
    *Everyone will think we’re awful hosts for not having a morning after brunch even though I’m leaving for my honeymoon at 5am
    *Band is a complete waste of money even though they’re the ones that brought it up like it was a good idea in the first place.

    • NolaJael

      I hope someone does think your brother is the groom. If the guests are that gullible, I could have tremendous mischievous fun at your wedding. ;-)

      • NolaJael

        Also, I gave *my father* a boutonniere…I hope no one thought he was the groom!

    • penguin

      But chocolate cake is amazing! Also we put our full names on the invite – I didn’t want to just have first names and have anyone wonder which penguin and which squirrel were getting married.

      • suchbrightlights

        We did not put our full names on the invite, and my mother told me it would be a problem because some of the relatives would not know who was getting married without the surname as a cue.

        Well, 1) I am the only Such Brightlights on the internet so I think people can probably figure that one out if they have heard my mother mention my name in the last EVER; 2) my fiance does not think this is a problem for his extended family whom I have not yet had the pleasure to meet; and 3) if this family is so important to invite despite the fact that I have not seen them since the age of five and they do not know who I am… then why have I not seen them since the age of five and they do not know who I am? (And why don’t I know who they are, either?)

        I did voice 3 out loud and I don’t think my mother was particularly amused.

        We did compromise by including a handwritten note in three invitations to the effect of “I hope you can attend since we haven’t gotten to see you since Cousin Prunella’s bat mitzvah” that did include first and last names. These were to very dear friends of my late grandmother who do not frequently travel but who have apparently kept up with the family via my mother. I’m quite touched that despite that they are not usually able to travel, two of those friends are actually planning to come. I feel like I should send them a note to thank them for RSVP’ing yes- I think it would have meant a lot to Grandma and I’m certain that’s why they’re doing it, which is uncommonly kind.

        Also, if no one at your party likes chocolate cake, I think that’s the opposite of a problem because it means YOU GET ALL THE CAKE and do not have to share.

        • penguin

          I’m sure people would have figured it out with just our first names, but it made me feel better to have our first and last names so we did that. We also realized that if we didn’t put our first and last names on the invite, it wouldn’t be ANYWHERE. It couldn’t fit on our return address stickers, and it wasn’t in our wedding website URL. I’m also keeping my name so I wanted it to show in as many places as possible haha.

          • Anna

            We had just first names on our invitation but full names in the return address on the envelope… also our wedding website URL was wedding.com, which was printed on the back of the invitation, so I’m pretty sure people could figure it out one way or another. But I did have a sort of weird moment where I was like “Will my mom’s stepsister know who Anna and Husbandsfirstname are off the top of her head?” Which was ridiculous because my step-aunt, like all our other guests, received an email save-the-date with our full names and like, we only had 55 people so I’m pretty sure all of them were aware we were getting married by word of mouth before receiving the physical invitation.

            But yeah, having both last names in our URL felt like a good way to drive home the “I’m keeping my name” thing.

    • ssha

      these are just… patently not true? not any of them!

    • Not Sarah

      I have put our full names everywhere because we’re not changing them and it seems a great way to get the point across. My mom still thinks I need to change my name though…

      Perhaps no one will think my partner is the groom because he’s not going to wear a boutonniere! Oh well.

      Who doesn’t like chocolate cake?????

      • Sara

        What else have you done to drive the point home? I’m not changing my name either and would like to make this crystal clear FROM THE JUMP.

        • Not Sarah

          The DJ will announce us with full names. We have a FAQ on our wedding website:

          Q: How would the newlyweds prefer to be addressed now that they’re married?
          A: Neither HisFirst nor HerFirst are changing their names, so please continue to address them with their pre-married names and titles. More formally, Ms. HerFirst HerLast and Mr. HisFirst HisLast or your preferred ordering.

          (Another friend couple where neither of them changed their names said they wished they’d put the FAQ on there because they got presents with HisInitial or Mrs. HisLast and such, which were very personalized.)

          Also, you’ll eventually prepare scripts. I’ve trained my partner to answer sometimes if this question ever gets asked and he’s around too since I’m the only one who ever gets asked. If people ask why, I often tell them that I offered to hyphenated both names, but he didn’t want to have five names, so neither of us changed our names. If people then ask about kids like it’ll ruin them, I tell them our solution to that is to not have kids or if we do, that we’ll give them a hyphenated name since our names combined aren’t an unreasonable length (only 9 letters). Lastly, it helps that no one that remotely knows me would assume I would change my name ;)

          Good luck!

          • Sara

            Thanks! I didn’t do a FAQ page but I know basically everyone from my side already knows or will assume I’m keeping my name. It’s the other side I’m worried about. :) Fingers crossed for no initialed gifts… oy…

          • Not Sarah

            Yup it’s the other side who send the Mrs. HisFirst HisLast wedding cards ;) Sigh!

        • Jan

          I’m not changing mine and when people ask me if I am I respond, “fuck no”. Gets the point across.

          • Jan

            Although I recognize that perhaps this isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. :)

  • topscallop

    Let’s see, I was surprised when my aunt who I rarely see, who lives in Mexico, tried to get me to gang up on my dad with her and my stepmom and force him to buy a new suit or (preferably!) a tux for the wedding. My fiance isn’t even wearing a tux. We’re getting married outside, on a farm. Completely unnecessary, and her reasoning didn’t make much sense to me – she said he needed to impress my fiance’s family, and as the father of the bride, he should stand out. Not at all my dad’s style.

    I guess I’m lucky in that most of the invented problems around my wedding were invented by myself :/

    • topscallop

      Oh! Just thought of another one: fiance’s younger sister is single but wants a plus one. We’re having a fairly large wedding already, more than half of which is made up of her (aka my fiance’s) family – so it’s not like she’s not going to know anyone. She’s in her mid-twenties. Fiance doesn’t want to give her a plus one, as the wedding is just a few months away and she is notoriously boy-crazy and may bring a flavor-of-the-month or her ex she’s been stringing along, generally my fiance finds her a bit irresponsible in this department. We’ve not given anyone a plus-one, people who are in relationships are invited as a couple, everyone else is invited by themselves. Then I mention this to my dad (who is paying for the catering) and he’s shocked that we WOULDN’T give people plus-ones. “But if it will increase their enjoyment of the event, they should be able to bring a guest!” Which, great, if we weren’t already inviting 200 people and hoping 70 say no. But if my dad’s okay with adding to the tab..so we ended up telling her she could bring a guest if she wants to. It also inspired me to chat with my besties who would have been bridesmaids if we were having a bridal party, to see if any were seeing new fellas they’d like to invite. But I just love that reasoning – if it enhances the guests enjoyment, why not do xyz??

    • BSM

      Your username made me lol :)

  • Kara

    One of my bridesmaid’s brother-in-laws was also my brother’s groomsman. This guy and his wife had a like 4 month engagement.

    When I ran into him during our 22 month engagement, he couldn’t believe **I** was taking that long. Well, I had to explain to him that we had to figure out who would be moving (and where) because my groom and I lived 4.5 hours apart, we needed time to coordinate a big event (225 people is a lot), this sh*t costs $$$, and we weren’t going to rush into anything.

    He couldn’t wrap his mind around it because 1.) he married a woman that had never and would never work (other than take care of the children, which they ended up having 4), and 2.) he was of the assumption that we’d be dying to be married so we could have sex (since this was obviously the whole point of getting married).

    Basically, he was just a douchy, southern, “christian” boy, and an ass at the time. I haven’t seen or heard from him since. Which is fine by me.

  • Alli

    My father does not understand why we don’t need 60 bottles of wine for a rehearsal dinner with 25 drinking adults. I wouldn’t push back on this except he’s not paying for it himself, he’s spending my FMIL’s money on it.

    My mom says people will be confused if we don’t do a grand entrance into the reception, and if I don’t want a grand entrance then I need to come up with another entrance. I can’t just walk in. My exact plan was just to walk in at the end of cocktail hour and start making my rounds.

    • Jess

      I got the Grand Entrance thing. I had to specify to literally every vendor WE ARE NOT DOING A GRAND MARCH. I hate the Grand March with the fury of a thousand bridesmaids asked to pay too much for dresses.

      I kind of lost that “no entrance” battle, in that we got announced at the end of cocktail hour to get a group shot (mom’s request) of the everybody at the wedding, and then we ran into the reception to sit down for dinner.

      • lamarsh

        I also HATE the grand march/bridal party entrance. They are just so forced and awkward to me. I also just don’t understand their purpose.

        • idkmybffjill

          What is the grand march? When everyone gets announced after the wedding?

          • lamarsh

            I think so. I believe it’s when the bridal party all gets announced as couples right after everyone sits down to eat and then they all do a dance move together or wave awkwardly or something along those lines. There is just something about it that makes me feel profoundly uncomfortable, both when I have participated (because all eyes are on you) and watching it.

          • Amanda

            The worst is when you know they are hating it, either because you know them or because you can tell by their faces. And those people always follow the ones who are INTO IT. Every time.

          • Jess

            From what I have gathered, it seems to be a midwesternly thing like lamarsh described. You really need everybody in your bridal party to commit to having lots of theatricality.

            Sometimes there are choreographed dance moves for the bridal party, or like, two people will get really into it and do something dumb like the can-opener and then the next people will just walk in awkwardly and wave. Sometimes there are props or signs.

            Overall, it’s pretty much just uncomfortable. But my MIL was horrified and flat out insulted me when I responded to her comment about needing to do it “Just like R’s sister” with “We aren’t doing it because I think they’re really awkward and nobody ever commits enough to make them be awesome. Plus I’m looking to minimize moments where everybody is staring at me.”

          • Sara

            “I’m looking to minimize moments where everybody is staring at me.” …this is my official wedding theme

    • rebecca

      You need to come up with another non-grand entrance, so is she thinking a trap door type of thing here?

      • Alli

        I should mention that my mom is usually very level headed. She told me to just google “subtle grand entrance wedding” and I’d find something. I have not had success.

        I mean we did toy with the idea of shutting off all the lights and just being in the middle of the room when they came back on, but it’ll be the middle of the summer at 7pm so I think people will still see us running in.

        • CMT

          “subtle” . . . “grand” . . . *thinking face emoji*

        • Leah

          Ooooh have you thought of a smoke bomb in combination with the lights off? *POOF* and there you guys are in the middle of the now smoking room?

      • Jane

        Maybe your venue has a fireman’s pole?

        • JR

          I saw a wedding where this literally happened!! It must have been on this site. Does anyone else remember this? I’m not imagining it, right??

          • JR
          • Jane

            I remember it! And it was amazing! It would be worth making a grand entrance if it was down a fireman’s pole. But, sadly, it’s not an option at lots of venues (including mine). So, I guess no grand entrance for me. Also, does not seem like an idea the person insisting that they have a grand entrance would accept, even if available.

    • Her Lindsayship

      Ooh, I am also foreseeing having this cocktail-hour-entrance battle with my mom. The thing is, I wouldn’t mind getting announced – mostly because I’m not changing my name and I’d really be ok with someone explicitly telling everyone all together at once that this is the case. But my fiancé thinks it’s weird for us to get announced as anything other than “Mr. and Mrs.” which is definitely not happening, so we said ok, we’ll skip it.

      Then my mom starts asking about it. It hasn’t yet become a Thing with her but I’m pretty sure she just has higher priority Things at the moment and will come back around to that one. I guess I can just blame it on fiancé if she does…

      • penguin

        If you want to be announced you could do something like “And for the first time as a married couple, HerFirst and HisFirst!” If you didn’t want to announce last names, which I like and am thinking about for my own wedding. Also totally OK to not be announced at all, hopefully your mom doesn’t make it a Thing.

        • ssha

          This is exactly what we did (announce with first names ‘for the first time as a married couple’)! Both at the end of the ceremony and upon entering the reception space. My husband also thought it would be weird to announce if we weren’t announcing with the same last name, but he considered it and decided it was okay after a while.

        • Amanda

          I’ve seen that a lot. Maybe I only notice because I’m interested in name politics; but I generally take note from that, “Not changing her name. Got it.”

        • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

          Yup. At the end of the ceremony, our officiant announced us as Todd and Margo, since I wasn’t 100% sure what I was doing with my name. I was glad, because I ended up keeping my last name!

          • Not Sarah

            Good idea! We went to a wedding last year where they announced as Mr. and Mrs. HisLast and then she didn’t change her name!

        • LadyJanee

          We asked our MC to announce us this way because we weren’t sure what we doing about names and he still announced us as Mr and Mrs HisLast. So my advice would be to be VERY explicit about how you want to be announced.

          • penguin

            That would make me so mad.

  • Kate

    People who live literally (LITERALLY) 10 minutes away from the reception are complaining about the starting time (2pm30). We have people flying LITERALLY from the other side of the planet didn’t say anything.

    • Kate

      *ceremony and reception will happen in the same place, and the ceremony will start at 12pm30

      • Ilora

        But that’s super normal!

        • Kate

          Around here it’s usually at 12pm30 (which for me is ridiculous – and people start having lunch ate 3pm) or 4pm (dinner at 7pm). According to my family, 2pm30 is too close to lunch so they won’t have time to eat.

          • Amy March

            I mean this can be both true and not your problem? If your ceremony is at 12:30 no, they probably won’t have time to eat lunch before that. Which is why God made granola bars.

          • Kate

            “Which is why God made granola bars”. haha

            True. It’s just I know they will have more than enough time to eat at home and get ready and travel to the venue, it will probably mean they won’t be able to wash the dishes. It is just annoying because they complain a lot about this and want the time changed over this small inconvenience for them while people sacrificing so much time and money to be there didn’t say anything.

            And they also complained because I sent the invitations too early and asked for they to RSVP 3 months before the wedding. (which I know is not common)

          • idkmybffjill

            And brunch.

          • Emily

            “Eat a granola bar” is basically my advice for most issues: hunger, boredom, anger, need of a time-out, etc…

  • I got a lot of raised eyebrows when we said we were getting married in Minnesota in March. I get it, people think we live in igloo’s or something or that it’s perpetually winter. Turns out it was 65 and sunny for our March wedding so take that skeptics!

    Someone else also argued me down about why we weren’t having a “real” destination wedding since most of our guests had to travel…like no girl, just no. Not doing that.

    • ssha

      MN weather could have gone either way, but I particularly love that you had warm weather, just to stick it to the complainers.

    • Jan

      Yeessssss on the rehearsal dinner. My MIL is insisting on throwing one, and we don’t even have a bridal party. Like, there isn’t going to be a rehearsal? And it’s super fancy? I’m officially on board the Whatever Train for this one.

    • Diverkat

      TBH, pizza sounds WAAAAAAAAY more awesome than a catered and guitarred (sp?) rehearsal dinner. Team Pizza forever.

    • LAinTexas

      OMG, your rehearsal dinner situation is almost EXACTLY what happened to my best friend, who just got married this past weekend. She and her now husband also just wanted to do a super casual rehearsal dinner with pizza, and his dad also told them it was tacky and informed them they had to do a more formal sit-down dinner, but he couldn’t plan it because he doesn’t live where they live/where the wedding was located. So, she had to take on planning a formal rehearsal dinner she didn’t even want. It was nice, and the food was pretty good, but I felt so bad for her that he made them do that.

      • UGH I would have been so pissed! Luckily my MIL did all the planning, since she was hosting, and all we had to do was show up.

        • LAinTexas

          I’m glad it worked out the way it did for you! For them, they live in Ohio, and his dad lives in Michigan. Plus, her mom and sister both have Celiac disease, and she has been diagnosed with gluten sensitivity, so extra work had to be done in choosing a venue with gluten-free options (a feat in and of itself, since they live in a pretty rural area) and all of that. His dad paid for it, but it’s annoying – even from an outsider’s perspective – that he didn’t help plan it (that I know of).

    • Sara

      Pizza is appropriate in literally every single situation, ever. Like please serve pizza at my funeral. I demand it.

  • Amanda

    My boyfriend’s father still rails against a vegetarian wedding he went to ten years ago and how horrible it is that the subsequent healthy kids don’t eat animals. I already laid the groundwork for, “You are an adult who can eat ahead of time if you reject the delicious veg food offered.” Because if he thinks he can white man whine his way into me having animal sacrifice at my wedding, he’s in for a big surprise.

    On no planet is it rude for someone to throw a party that may not include your particular favorite dish. If you want to order what you want, go to a restaurant. And then when you add people’s ethics into the mix, you’re really just being a baby.

    We’ll probably just elope eventually rather than fight the fight. He’ll get to eat what he wants that night, but he won’t see his son get married. So that’s what being a baby is worth to him.

    • idkmybffjill

      It is so weird to me when people care a whole lot about MEAT. Have they never had pasta? Like what is their deal.

      • Amanda

        It also always feels like this double edged sword. If we caved, he’d be all, “See, it’s not possible.”

        I’m generally a live and let live person and totally able to separate my views on food ethics from my views of different people and can just ignore their choices. But the way I share my veganism is by serving people awesome food. So when it comes to the wedding meal, it’s a nonstarter. Weddings are just so values-heavy, that to ignore our values on this would feel like an erasure of ourselves.

        It already stresses me out, and we aren’t even engaged!

        • idkmybffjill

          Absolutely with you. I feel like if the bride and groom are vegan, it is fully ridiculous to ask them to serve meat at their wedding.

        • Tera

          I admit that we caved and just offered both vegan and meat lasagna at our buffet wedding (my fiance isn’t vegan so that balanced it out too). I admire couples who stand their ground and make an effort to prove everyone wrong about their vegan food misconceptions, but you just know that everyone who isn’t vegan goes into it expecting it to taste weird and sometimes it’s just more practical to compromise and do both instead of die on the 100% vegan wedding hill.

        • Arie

          We had really strong feelings about this – my now-husband was adamant that our wedding would have delicious vegan food. I believe his exact quote was “I will not be eating salad and rolls at my own wedding.” I totally agree with you that it doesn’t make sense to have a wedding not reflect major values – and we love good vegan food. We had an all-vegan buffet. People still tell me it was the best wedding food they’ve ever had. It also served to help us narrow down venues! I would call and say “can you make vegan food?” and when the response was “uhhhh” I knew it was out. The venue we ultimately picked has all-vegan kitchen staff, and they were SO EXCITED to make our wedding food. It was an awesome thing to share, honestly. TL;DR – I was stressed about this too, we worked through it, and it was totally worth it.

          • Diverkat

            OMG your husband’s quote is one I WISH I had in my back pocket.

            And that’s what it was for me! I wanted to eat ALL the food at my own wedding!

        • Diverkat

          We had vegetarian/vegan because in addition to me being veg, we have a lot of friends who are, and many who also have various allergies. I wanted to make sure everyone was included, and the easiest way to do it is with lots of vegan options! Seriously! It boggles my mind that meat-eaters all of a sudden become incapable of eating food at all because meat isn’t on the menu. Jeez. You won’t die, eat a fucking bean taco and shut up.

      • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

        Right? We had a vegetarian wedding (SO WE COULD EAT ALL OUR FOOD), and we served a crazy hearty lasagna, plus two veggies, plus a salad, plus bread. Even a few bites of each thing filled me up. Yet people still apparently bitched.

        • idkmybffjill

          I’m confident it comes from meat eaters who think anything that isn’t meat is a side, but that’s just not actually true. There are a million robust veg dishes. It is wild and sort of embarasses me for them.

          Also I feel like these are the same people who would say they have a “vegetarian option” at their wedding, but what they actually have is some sides. And the duality of that is ANNOYING.

          • Diverkat

            UUUUUGH I hate that. sides =/= vegetarian option!!! sides = vegetarian consolation prize!

        • Rose

          I mentioned in another comment that my favorite wedding food-wise that I’ve attended was vegetarian. The problem there was that it was all so good and there were so many dishes that I couldn’t eat enough of all of them before I was too full.

      • One of the most fascinating things to me as a vegetarian is the extent to which people can’t wrap their head around a meal that isn’t centered on animal products. Like, no judgement, I get that it’s a broad cultural thing… But also, yeah, pasta anyone?

        • idkmybffjill

          Zillions of mexican food and italian options that are meat free. It’s not like you even have to get as exotic of Indian food (*gasp*) to encounter an entirely meat free meal.

          • I think there are a lot of upper middle class white people types who *also* can’t wrap their head around the idea that people actually eat non-western cuisines as their daily diets, and not just as like, novelty meals, but that’s probably a different rant.

          • idkmybffjill

            Oh absolutely. My MIL was scandalized that my husband and I’s favorite neighborhood restaurants are a Thai place and an Indian place.

      • april

        Ha! Reminds me of this Mitchell and Webb sketch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63NNuG-6-hQ (“It’s just, I don’t eat vegetarian – I’m a meat eater.”)

    • Violet

      I find the insistence on meat so baffling, and this is coming from an omnivore. Entire cultures and religions live their entire lives without eating meat. How is this so hard for people to wrap their heads around?

    • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

      FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE.

    • Jane

      My mom was really worried before my sister’s wedding that they were only having chicken and veggie options, no red meat. So, even if you offer one meat option, people will still complain. And, by far, the most delicious thing at their wedding was the butternut squash racioli.

    • ladyjanegreysanatomy

      This. Entire. Thread.

      My partner is vegan and 90% of my diet is also and we are not paying for food that isn’t vegan. She’s is not too judgy about other people’s life choices (she decided I was worth sticking with even though I sometimes eat fish!), but she draws the line at those things becoming her problem and I support that 100%. Also we make really good vegan food and would never serve anything that wasn’t amazing. We will make sure that our people are fed appropriately because we know our people and they know us.

      Frankly most catered events leave vegans and vegetarians with precious few options, and if there is a decent option or two, the meat eaters often take it all before the veg*ans can get to it, because OMG good veg food is Good. Veg*ans on the whole get really used to having to bring their own food and snacks -especially to things like weddings!- because finding food they can eat is so rare. And sure it’s annoying but shockingly enough they cope and do not starve to death!! So, if people who just loooove meat decide to turn their noses up at a diverse array of things that they are totally physically and morally capable of eating, that’s so not my problem.

  • Becca

    My mom was really concerned about us not having a fish option at the reception. Even though we had other vegetarian options, she really thought we should have fish…until my grandma told her no one cares, people will find something to eat. Then she got over it haha. (And to our knowledge, no one complained!)

    Other than that, pretty much all our problems came from MIL and involved the guest list. She seemed to think people we don’t know and don’t have a relationship with would be SO upset if they didn’t get invited.

    1. She insisted we invite DH’s grandparents’ siblings (on his dad’s side), even though he’s only met one of them and MIL has no relationship with them.
    2. Then, she insisted we invite her cousins, who he doesn’t really have a relationship with.
    3. We just HAD to invite some family friend because she’d be “heartbroken” to not be invited. Never mind the fact that MIL has no relationship with this woman outside her being good friends with MIL’s sister-in-law.
    4. After inviting all these people and only having 8 out of, like 30, RSVP yes, she tried getting DH to invite her sister’s in-laws. This was 3 weeks before the wedding. Thankfully DH shot that down fast.

    • Jane

      Ahhh! This is my life.

  • Jurisfiction16

    I had an aunt who went absolutely nuts when I asked my husband’s sister to be a bridesmaid instead of another relative from my side. The relative in question was a child and she explicitly did NOT want to be a bridesmaid anyway. The aunt then said that if we didn’t change our entire seating arrangements for the dinner that she would not attend. We redid all of the plans to suit her sole personal preferences, and then she told us she wasn’t going to come anyway because she couldn’t guarantee that she wouldn’t “scream venomous things” at my husband’s sister when she walked down the aisle as part of the bridal party.
    The aunt never ended up attending (thank god), but she did pop back up every few weeks to hurl abuse at us, at our guests, the groom’s family (most of whom she’d never even met) because we dared to treat her “like any other guest”. She essentially told us she wanted the wedding to be all about her, so everyone would know that she was the FAVORITE. It all ended after about six months of this nonsense when she realized that she couldn’t really faze me anymore. She said she was disinheriting me, and I haven’t really spoken to her since. Extremely happy to have her pointless drama out of my life.

    • idkmybffjill

      Omg just imagining her yelling like the lady in the princess bride *bow down to the queen of refuse”, lol

      • ART

        HAH!

      • penguin

        Literally laughed out loud at work, thank you for this haha. I need to watch that movie again now…

    • Leah

      “Scream venomous things” yeah that’s totally in proportion with you choosing your husband’s sister as a bridesmaid. Was she also stockpiling rotten vegetables to throw?

  • So far everyone’s been very reasonable and normal (as is their usual state of being). However last week, will visiting the future in-laws (who we’re very close with and love spending time with) I mentioned that I probably wouldn’t have a bridal shower, since my friends/family are all over the place. My future MIL was SHOCKED and told me I have to have one.

    Also my dad’s aunt keeps asking him about the wedding (date and location; it’s next June in Central Oregon) and he told me I needed to email her. I told him no, she’ll get a save the date like everyone else. Apparently she’s panicking because they never travel outside Florida and they need to plan…they’re retired and have all the time in the world! Plus, you can’t even book a flight/hotel that far in advance.

    People definitely forget that we’re all adults when it comes to weddings.

    • Jess

      If your FMIL is so shocked, she needs to have somebody on her side throw you a party. You don’t plan your own shower, thank you very much.

      • I know! Haha. She’s a total party planner type and loves all this stuff. Her two other sons have already gotten married and I think she’s just excited to have one more girl in the family to do all the fun things with! She’s so easygoing normally, so it doesn’t bother me. I was just surprised!

        • Jess

          That’s funny – I totally get it though, my mom would feel the same way. We’ve thrown showers for all my relatives because that’s how you show people you love them. It’s just like, “This isn’t a thing I control?”

    • nutbrownrose

      I found out 3 days before my shower that my FMIL was offended at her, the groom’s sister, and the groom’s godmother not being invited to said shower since they live on the other side of the country. I actually tried to invite them in the first place, but was told by my mother (and all her friends/relatives) that’s “gift-grabby,” so when my mom wrote the invitations, she didn’t send one to any of the 3. FMIL did not tell ME this was a problem, but instead told my FH, who promptly forgot about it until just before the shower, well after I could do anything about it. Welp. I offended my FMIL by listening to my own mother.

  • rebecca

    Oh right, and at the beginning of this whole thing I was forbidden from getting married in the entire state where I was born because “People will be afraid to fly into Detroit…not us…but…people”

    • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

      Well, Romulus is VERY SCARY. There are so many strip malls and airport car parking lots! :-P

    • Diverkat

      “people”

      Whoever that is, they were the most difficult-to-please wedding guest of my MIL’s imaginings.

      “People” need to eat meat, “people” need champagne, “people” will want an ice cream stand, “people” will need more choices for *everything*…….. UGH.

      This whole thread has been SO cathartic!

      • Lisa

        I always refer back to Rachel’s piece “The People Want Options”.

        • Diverkat

          It’s such a good piece!!! Pity I didn’t find it til after the wedding :)

  • Wedminister abbey

    People are very very concerned that things “won’t match” and that there’s no theme…. honestly thought wedding was a theme………but no. Supposedly we have to make sure that everything is the same and in keeping with the fact it’s a “traditional” wedding…… it’s such a shame because the two of us never match and we like it

    • rebecca

      Yeeeeaaaaahhh my future sister in law is apparently trying to get custom ties made for the men to match the Rifle Paper Co Keds the ladies are wearing. For a wedding that’s in 12 days.

      My theme is shit I like that I can afford and procuring doesn’t take over my life. It’s all nice stuff and not like, actively clashing, I don’t need it to be matchy-matchy

      • ssha

        Rifle Paper Co Keds- ahh! That sounds adorable! (And agree with your thoughts about themes)

    • Sara

      We’re having a casual outdoor wedding and I keep getting asked what my “colors” are. My colors are green I guess? Trees and grass are green?? Why do I need a color?!

  • nosio

    We’re having a 15-minute (maybe 20-minute TOPS) ceremony at my parents’ house, and then we’re all leaving and heading to the reception venue, which is a 5-10 minute drive away. My parents were insisting that the THREE BATHROOMS in their house wouldn’t be sufficient for our guests, and that my fiance and I would have to rent one of those luxury port-a-potty trailers for the 45-ish minutes their house would be used. When I showed my mom the quotes from various companies, she agreed that it would be ridiculous to rent something for $1550+ that would be used for less than an hour, but YEESH, that was a battle.

    • idkmybffjill

      lololololol 3 bathrooms!!!!

    • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

      That falls under, If you want it so bad, you pay for it.

    • Sara

      I mean do most full fledged venues even have three bathrooms?! I think not! 3 is plenty!

  • HydroLass

    We had too many types of beer at our rehearsal dinner (5 types including growlers from local breweries).

    • Jess

      This is… not a problem? This is a solution!

      • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

        Right? This is an amazing problem to have!

      • HydroLass

        Yeah after I heard that comment I finally decided that I didn’t care what people thought.

  • sara

    My mother became extremely concerned that we should be offering to pay the hotel costs for ALL of our guests who were travelling from out of town. Although many guests were travelling, this was NOT a destination wedding in a difficult-to-reach location…just a normal wedding in a location with numerous hotel options (which we included on the website so people could find one in their price range).

    • Jane

      Wow. That would be sooo much money. I can really only see that if your family was like, fabulously wealthy and had lots of poor relations – like in a novel.
      FH and I are having our wedding in our hometown and where I currently live but a ton of (especially my) family and friends love out of state. I will not be holding it against anyone who can’t afford to come for that reason (or most reasons) but I am definitely not in a position to spring for that.

    • Leah

      That’s nuts. You’re under no obligation to pay for accommodation so people can attend your wedding. Mum please calm down!

  • Yael

    Not exactly wedding related, but my FMIL uncharacteristically FREAKED out about the fact that I didn’t have an engagement ring and wasn’t even sure I wanted one. When A and I called his brother/SIL to tell them the news and future in-laws were in the car with us, she yelled at the phone that there was *definitely* going to be a ring. It was weird. No one is really sure what happened.

  • Louise

    My mum was worried that no one would know who the groom was because he was dressed the same as the best man. She couldn’t understand that everyone personally knows the groom and I said he will be the one standing next the women in the white dress in front of the priest so they can figure it out.

    Also it was going to be a scandal if I didn’t wear white shoes (turns out I didn’t wear white shoes and no one was scandalised)

    • Jan

      Omg I’m dying. I’m imagining everyone in their seats whispering frantically “BUT WHICH ONE IS ERIC?!”

  • Sarah

    I love APW for this thread and for all of you who have commented thus far. My mother cannot understand why I don’t want to pay over $1,500 for a bathroom trailer when there are perfectly fine bathrooms a <5 minute walk from the garden area where our ceremony is taking place.

    • Yael

      Wait, bathrooms come in trailer form?

      • ManderGimlet

        Yes! My friend had a wedding on a farm with NO facilities and they rented this very nice bathroom trailer (A/C, electric, running water) instead of portapotties. Roomy and worked great with everyone in their wedding wear! But if you already have bathrooms, I don’t see why someone would bother (unless you have like 1 toilet and 100+ guests)

      • Sarah

        Yep. They are often used when weddings are in remote places like a field or in the woods or in someone’s home and there aren’t enough bathrooms for the entire crowd. Not, if there are usable bathrooms for all a 5 minute walk away.

  • Cdn icecube

    …but… you’re not inviting kids?!
    A close friend of mine is not having kids (partly because it would add over 50 people to their guest list) and the amount of outright bitching that she has heard is INSANE. Someone suggested that they not invite their friends so that their second cousin could bring her kids…
    Crazy!

    • Not Sarah

      Someone was baffled that we are inviting kids since I don’t like kids. My response was but I like my friends? And they like their kids? And their kids are okay. And kids add up to under 10 people of our 179 person invited guest list.

      • Cdn icecube

        As someone who has JUST started planning I feel like it’s something that is for each couple to decide and if they decide not to have kids then leave them alone. Conversely, if they want to have kids that’s cool too.
        But what GRINDS MY GEARS is when I hear bitching of “when soandso got married they had kids” and yeah they did. Because they were one of the first people in their family/friend group to get married so it was maybe an extra 10 people. But now 10 years later when there are more than 50, I get not wanting to have kids.

        • sara

          Also it depends SO MUCH on the style of wedding you are having. We had a super casual outdoor wedding at a venue that literally had a playground within walking distance of where we were doing our reception, and tons of safe grassy areas for running around — so it was very easy to accommodate children. Plus we were doing our food buffet style so little kids were just not going to eat that much and really did not add a ton to the cost. I can totally understand how a formal/expensive sit-down dinner or a fancy cocktail reception in an art gallery full of fragile sculptures (both weddings I have attended) would not be so great for kids.

        • Not Sarah

          Agreed! None of my cousins have had kids and only a small number of my friends have, so it isn’t a big deal now.

    • Katie

      Don’t even start me with kids. Just posted a comment about it. Ugh!

      • Ally Lowe

        Our venue is a museum dedicated to victorian funerary and mourning culture and people are surprised I’ve barred all humans under 21 from it. Uh nope I’m not paying for that 200 + year old priceless antique mourning costume because little tomantha got bored, wandered away and knocked it over and it ripped. Nope. No kids, and not sorry.

    • jem

      We invited kids…. and almost none of the parents want to bring them.

      • idkmybffjill

        Same!!! I love kids at weddings and was real pumped about it. Some came but definitely not all! I guess if you have a wedding at a brewery parents are interested in babysitters :).

    • Leah

      We didn’t invite kids over the age of two (venue restrictions, cost per head etc) and my fiance’s cousin who likes to stir up unnecessary drama has RSVP’ed no because of it (nevermind that I wasn’t even invited to her wedding). Actually not an issue, because she can keep her drama well away from us if she’s not there!

      • penguin

        That situation sounds like a win-win :)

        • Leah

          Yeah and now her two brothers have also RSVPed no so we have five extra plus ones we can give out to people we actually get along with. How good!

      • Jan

        We did the opposite for my aunts and uncles I never see or talk to; they got invites and so did any minor children, but all adult cousins-almost-strangers did not. I’m sure some people (mostly my aunts and uncles) are salty and I’m not even a little bit sorry.

        • Leah

          Ugh people will always find something to be salty about!

  • Katie

    Not an actual problem (so far), but I felt like my MIL wasn’t happy about us not inviting kids. One of the biggest reasons we’re not inviting them is because whenever they’re around my MIL, they’re ON HER, ALL THE TIME. I love her and want her to drink and hang out with friends, not be a babysitter. Plus, if we invite everybody’s kids, it will be like 25 more people to our 60 people guest list. Nope.
    Besides, we’re not having a ranch wedding with lots of outdoor space to run around, and especially at our jazz cocktail party they’re gonna be very out of place.

    Another thing: we don’t want anything remotely religous at our ceremony, but were met with “But have you considered doing a Bible reading? Not a religious one?” Umm, “a marriage is between man and woman”? Hard nope.

    • idkmybffjill

      We had a cousin ask if we weren’t including religion in our wedding, “because we didn’t want God to bless our marriage”. I just said… well, yeah, that’s correct. (We’re agnostic, lol)

      • Katie

        Haha, that’s hilarious! (and btw, we’re already officially married, so the blessing is kinda late for us).

    • ManderGimlet

      I am laughing over here about a “nonreligious” bible reading! Sounds like something my mom would say!

      • Eh

        I have never attended church (I’ve been to church for peoples weddings and when my children’s choir would occasionally sing at church services). My MIL wanted us to get married at their church. I said that I’ve never attended church and that I would not be comfortable getting married in a church (or having a religious ceremony for that part). Her response “church is just a building to get married in”. That seems pretty disrespectful to all the people who attend the church.

        • ManderGimlet

          Same with my family/inlaws! Church is so important to them, but in order to try to “trick” us into going they act like all of it is meaningless? It’s insane.
          (also, my partner and I are almost FORTY YEARS OLD so really, we have this pretty well figured out for ourselves at this point!)

          • Eh

            I have been with my husband for 6 years and I am not sure that I have ever heard my inlaws mention going to church (his grandparents do every Sunday). For them it was important of the appearance that we are good Christians. I am an atheist and I was raised deliberately outside of church by my father who is agnostic. Despite my inlaws taking my husband to church for most of his childhood he grew up to be atheist also.

      • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

        I…have actually tried to find one. To be one of multiple readings, as a sort of passing nod to my religious upbringing, without it feeling oppressive. The other option is to just have a nonreligious ceremony and ask my mom to offer a prayer before dinner.

        • MeepMorps

          Hey I know what this is like! If you’re still looking (and don’t mind strangers offering unsolicited advice) Desiderata is pretty beautiful. It’s not from scripture, but it has been used in devotional materials and it feels very spiritual.

          • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

            Therefore be at peace with God,
            whatever you conceive Him to be
            Nah, it’s cool, just trying not to cry at my desk.(Thank you.)

        • Katie

          It’s not that I’m opposed to Bible. No, Bible is a great book and a great source of wisdom. I just don’t want anything biblical at our wedding. Although we’ll probably end up having one of the readings just to please my in-laws…

  • FckToasters

    OH MY GOD I literally got in a huge fight with my aunt last weekend because she’s pissed that our registry doesn’t have kitchen appliances on it. We’ve lived together for THREE YEARS. I donated THREE TOASTERS to Salvation Army six months ago when I finally cleaned out our cabinets. I will kill the kind, well-meaning human being who gifts me appliances (don’t worry, I know it’s going to happen).

    For the record, we created a whole honeymoon/experience registry that we spent a metric shit ton of time on so people would feel like it’s thoughtful and special and not money-grabby and clearly I’m already overly sensitive about it.

    • Eh

      lol TOASTERS! My BIL/SIL did not register and this really annoyed my MIL/FIL. My MIL/FILprobably would have been fine with it if my BIL/SIL said that they would be grateful for any gift they received or gave my MIL a list of gift that they would like when people asked her for ideas, but instead my BIL/SIL said that they wanted cash, and didn’t stop there, they actually said they had a house full of crap and didn’t need more crap. A couple weeks before their wedding their toaster broke, so my FIL told anyone who asked for gift ideas that they needed a toaster. To spite my BIL/SIL, my husband’s uncle, his aunt, and a few of his cousins all bought my BIL/SIL toasters.

      • FckToasters

        This. This is my nightmare. Although FIL sounds like he’s got a sense of humor that’s very much my style.

        • Eh

          My FIL had a sense of humor about it, my BIL/SIL were not impressed. My BIL/SIL had a gift opening the day after their wedding and every time they opened a toaster they got more and more upset (they they held it together). I think they opened five.

        • Diverkat

          I don’t know if you created that handle just for this comment, but I applaud you, FckToasters :)

      • penguin

        Wow, spite-toasters.

        • Leah

          A Plague of Toasters. The modern biblical plague.

          • Ally Lowe

            I just choked on my wine.

    • Jane

      It’s really hard not to get overly sensitive about things when people superimpose all their feelings and moral judgments on your totally normal choices.

  • toomanybooks

    YES THIS IS SUCH A THING THANK YOU!!!!!

    My mom was very concerned that the flowers could not be arranged without a florist. (I did bouquets and a couple arrangements myself, and my wife’s cousins put together the really simple table arrangements – think one rose in a little bottle.)

    When she’d worry about it to me I’d be like, “This is the least of my concerns! I have ACTUAL things occupying my mind already, I don’t need to be convinced something else is going to be too difficult for me!”

    She’d also ask if me and my then-fiancée were fighting a lot because of wedding planning. Um, still no!

    • Jess

      I’m sure lots of people do fight with their fiancee during wedding planning, but the number of people who assumed our biggest struggle was each other was weird.

      • Diverkat

        Seriously. The issues we had were *other* people bringing drama to the table. If it weren’t for his amazing support and willingness to let me blow off steam about ridiculous food arguments with his mother, I’d not have been able to plan it!

  • Leah

    My dad was concerned that people wouldn’t know what a black tie dress code meant and would show up in casualwear. He wanted us to put a detailed explanation of “black tie” on the wedding invitation.

    I had to calmly explain that people are very capable of either a) asking for more details or b) using the magical world wide web to look up examples of what it means. It’s not our job to tell people exactly what to wear!

    • Yael

      And even if you had, people would still have shown up not wearing black tie. Because there’s always someone.

      • Leah

        Precisely! Thankfully my mum talked him down and said if people don’t wear black tie, it might be for any number of reasons i.e. expense, purposely ignoring it to try to be insulting (we have some lovely relatives) etc. People are grown and can read and will make their own decisions.

    • Ali

      I’ve been invited to a black tie wedding, and only I and one other guest wore floor length dresses, and not even the groom was in a tux. They really meant cocktail / lounge suit – which is what basically all the other weddings I’ve ever been to are, and not black tie, so I can understand the confusion!

      • Leah

        I guess but… that’s an issue with the couple not saying what they actually meant? Everyone who’s spoken to me about what they’re wearing seems to get that it’s evening gowns and tuxes.

        • Ali

          Good! You definitely know your people, and I’m sure they’re capable of knowing or finding out what your dress code means if they are unsure, and that you actually mean it! This case was definitely different, no-one in our circles has formal or black tie weddings, and when I clarified the dress code, I found out that the groom wasn’t wearing a tux and that long dresses were optional. Really it was more like ‘black tie optional’. Only one person – the best man – was in a tuxedo.

          • Leah

            Oh yeah 100% know your people thing!

    • Eh

      My MIL was concerned that aspects of our wedding were too casual (note: we planned on having a casual wedding, and we had told her this many times). She didn’t think we had enough flowers and thought that board games as centerpieces were not appropriate. She also had concerns about our civil ceremony that was taking place in a theater (I’m unclear how this screamed “casual” since it could have been formal if we wanted it to be – thought she did repeatedly ask us to get married in their church). Our wedding was very different than the small town church weddings that she was used to, so I understand that she would have some apprehension. We showed her the proofs for our invitation and it finally sunk in that we were having a casual wedding. The invitations didn’t even have anything about a dress code on it. We used informal language and the design was fun. After seeing them it was like a light bulb went off – “oh, your having an casual wedding!”. My response was that I was wearing a fancy dress and my husband was wearing a suit but I didn’t care what anyone else wore. Our guests wear dressy casual/casual clothes.

    • penguin

      Side note, are we supposed to put a dress code on the invitation? We don’t have space for it on ours, and we just put all of that kind of thing on our website.

      • Jess

        Website is fine! As long as it’s somewhere.

        • penguin

          Whew! Thank you.

      • Eh

        We didn’t provide people with a dress code at all. You really only need it if you want people to dress a specific way (e.g., formal/white tie/black tie). We communicated that we were having a causal wedding by using invitation wording that was casual/informal. Most people wore dressy casual clothes because that’s what they would wear to a wedding (unless they are told that it’s formal/white tie/black tie). No one wore jeans to my wedding but I wouldn’t have cared if they did (my husband’s cousin’s bf wore jean shorts to my BIL/SIL’s wedding which was a formal occasion, but my husband’s cousin told her bf that he had to wear dress pants to our wedding out of respect to us).

        Along that note: a friend had a weird dress code included on her invitation. I had never heard of the particular dress code before (and I can’t even remember what it was) so I had to Google it. I even had to clarify with her about the dress code because she got married during the summer and the reception was in a building that did not have air conditioning, yet the dress code required men to wear jackets. Apparently a number of other guests were also concerned about the heat and the jacket requirement so she ended up sending out an email clarifying the dress code (and that men did not have to wear jackets).

        • Leah

          Yeah, definitely not necessary if there’s not a dress code you want/need people to adhere to. Our venue has strict dress code rules so we needed to make sure that people will be wearing clothing that the venue requires at a minimum.

      • Leah

        Website is totally fine! We just had different ceremony and reception cards in the invitations so we had the space on the reception ones!

      • Jane

        We didn’t, so hopefully no? our website makes it very clear that it’s outdoors and in grass. I’m guessing most people will be medium-fancy, but it will definitely be a mix.

      • Amy March

        Nope! Unless it’s black tie there should not be a dress code on the invitation.

        • Leah

          Really? Is that a country-specific thing? Every invitation I’ve received has indicated a dress code, usually on the reception card.

        • penguin

          Thank goodness! We literally just approved the proof of our invitations and sent it to the printers haha. I saw this and had a panicky moment.

      • Sara

        I just put it on the website too!

  • Jessica

    We got married at City Hall in NYC at 10 am. Meaning if you go to our wedding, you should take the subway as it’s rush hour. My mom had a million questions on how we were going to get people to the ceremony.

    Since “take the subway” was deemed an inappropriate answer, I ended up paying for ~12 family members to take a cab while I took the subway to my own wedding.

  • Laura

    My mom could NOT handle the fact that we did not obtain baskets brimming with blue hydrangeas for our church ceremony. Our reasons for this included: 1) it was a beautiful old Catholic church with plenty of flowers/greenery from their regular Sunday decorating; 2) $$$$; 3) blue hydrangeas are not in season and you cannot spring this request on me three weeks before the wedding and expect florists (which we did not have because we DIYed all flowers) to procure enormous bushes of hydrangeas from nowhere!!! Sadly, without the blue hydrangeas, our wedding day was indeed ruined. All guests gasped in shock and left before the ceremony ever began. I cannot even look at our pictures without shuddering in horror at the plain, un-hydrangeaed expanse of altar behind us as we said our vows.

    It’s been 5 years, so my mom and I can joke about it now. But at the time….woof. Also, I just moved across the country to RI two weeks ago and this place is AWASH in blue hydrangeas right now. My husband and I have been joking about it nonstop.

  • CA

    This thread is wonderfullll. People get crazy about weddings.

    It has been an ongoing process to get my mom on the same page about planning and what the wedding will be like, but I think we’re getting there. It seems like parents often have strong but poorly communicated expectations about what their child’s wedding will be like. A few months ago my mom was deeply concerned that if we don’t have a DJ no one will dance and it will be a lame party, which is funny because she doesn’t really dance and is not exactly one to bring the party (but it’s kind of endearing that she wants to make sure our wedding will be raging). I have total faith in FH’s kickass playlist and the dancing enthusiasm of our guests.

    She also told me we definitely need an aisle runner (because nobody will know where the aisle is otherwise?), and has a lot of other strong decor suggestions, even though she’s also worried about us having too many details to plan and leaving her to do everything (we live across the country from the where my parents and the wedding are). In reality it’s a beautiful space and minimal decor is going to be great.

    She decided to buy the same or similar suits as the groomsmen for my dad and my brothers (who are not in the wedding party for various reasons), for the purpose of having “nice family photos”. Which is actually fine – I am happy they will look like honored guests because they are. I just find it funny that it would be somehow impossible to take ‘nice’ photos unless everyone is in coordinated suits.

    There have been a few from others too, mostly from my side of course:

    When we first announced the wedding date to family, my aunt replied to ask if we were sure the date was correct, because it’s on a Sunday, and if it’s on a Sunday it must not be in a church so she was just checking. I informed her that yes in fact both of those things are true.

    My grandma told me that they have bought dish sets as a wedding gift for all of their children and grandchildren’s weddings so far, and we screwed that up by not registering for any dishes. Whoops.

    One sort of self-imposed problem is that we have two family weddings shortly after ours that are significantly more traditional and/or have more DIY and fewer logistical complications than ours (because they live in the same city as where they are getting married). Mostly I’m just paranoid insecure that we’re being judged in comparison, but there have been a few instances of people saying Oh I heard they’re growing hop vines for their arbor, will you have an arbor? Uhhh no. Comparison is the thief of joy.

  • Jan

    I’ve been told we were being ungracious to our guests by serving heavy apps throughout the night instead of a plated dinner. I’ve been told it’s ridiculous to have an evening wedding on a Saturday (“What will people DO with themselves during the day?!” Um, how about live their lives like every other flingin-flangin day?). I’ve been told it’s rude to have an evening wedding because families with children will not know what to do (there are literally like four kids invited who are even near the age where an early evening event is nearing bedtime).

    It’s like somehow weddings remove all decision making skills from guests? These were all, unsurprisingly, said by the same person. Literally everyone else has been chill AF. I can’t tell if that’s because the majority of my friends and family are chill AF or because they all know I wouldn’t tolerate their dumb opinions.

    • Bsquillo

      Wut? Aren’t Saturday evenings THE most popular times to have weddings?

      • Jan

        Right? I think my MIL (the sayer of all the things) is maybe stuck in the idea of how she always THOUGHT her first kid’a wedding would go, and had a hard time not pushing back on every little thing that veered off course from her vision. She figured a daytime affair, plated dinner, v v big deal. And we want the opposite of all those things. It’s gotten a lot easier as time has gone on, though, so that’s good.

    • Capybara

      My #1 grievance with the last out-of-town wedding was that my fiance and I didn’t have any time to look around in a city I’d never been to before and wouldn’t have the chance to visit again soon. Might apply less to you if you’re getting married far from things to see and do, but I think most people enjoy a chance to shop, poke around, look at stuff, and have at least part of their weekend be about their own agendas rather than the party they’re attending.

      • Jan

        Totally! Our wedding is in Minneapolis– like, people will be fine.

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  • NotMotherTheresa

    Many parts of wedding planning have since been blocked out of my mind, because my brain is merciful that way.

    However, I do recall one Type A bridesmaid who was VERY concerned about random details regarding the photos. What color did I want everyone to paint their fingernails? What about toenails? What kind of earrings did I want everyone to wear? What about bracelets? What shade of lipstick did I want the bridesmaids wearing? What if one person’s white heels were winter white, while another person wore cream? What were my thoughts on lipgloss? Did everyone need to wear the same color of eyeshadow? Could she still wear her class ring?

    I couldn’t get mad, because her intentions were good, and every once in a blue moon, her questions reminded me of an ACTUAL issue that I needed to account for, but for every one question that made me think “Huh, yeah, I guess I better do something about that.” there were 300 others that would literally never matter to any sane human being! I wouldn’t have minded, except that her concern was contagious, so every time she asked me something outrageous like “Does it matter if I’ve had a bikini wax recently?”, I’d have to spend a good five minutes pondering whether I SHOULD be concerned about the bikini line of my bridesmaids. Because you know, surely she wouldn’t have asked if it didn’t matter…

    Another friend was concerned about the flowers. Very, very concerned. We spent many late nights discussing centerpieces, and it was not because *I* cared.

    • LadyJanee

      All three of my bridesmaids were like this, it was exhausting. I know they meant well and just wanted to make sure everything was how I wanted it but I was like ‘You are all grown women and I trust you not to do anything to take away from my day so I don’t care what colour nail polish you wear or what kind of knickers you have on!’

    • Ally Lowe

      I’m going through this right. Now. A friend who is very Type A is bringing up all sorts of weird shit that is half making me roll my eyes, half making me go “shit is this a thing? Should I be worried about this??”

  • Diverkat

    Greatest hits, provided by my MIL:

    Everyone will starve if you serve vegetarian food.

    We need to have several different options for wine and beer, or it will be the Worst. Wedding. Ever.

    How will people know what to bring/to wear/to survive? (note – we were not getting married on the top of Mt. Everest)

  • Anna

    My dad insisted that the “older people” (ie, him) at my wedding would be bored if we didn’t let him hire a magician to entertain them…

    Obviously, we refused. And nobody was bored, least of all him!

    • somanypseudonyms

      I had heard of wedding magic, but I … sure did not realize wedding *magicians* were a thing.

      • My OH’s cousin had one (along with a chimney sweep, which is an old tradition in the UK), but I think he came as part of the venue’s package. He went from table to table doing little tricks between courses. It was surprisingly fun, but definitely not a must have!

      • Anna

        Neither did we until my parents introduced us to the person they wanted to hire!

    • Katie

      I’m laughing so hard I’m crying!!!! This one is my favorite so far

    • Leah

      This is great. Can you please ask him what the age cut off is for magician requirements? How old must I be to demand a magician at all functions?

    • Bsquillo

      I just spit out my drink

  • djuna

    A month and a half out and the list of make believe problems just keeps getting better:

    *We’re having a backyard wedding.* The invitation says this. The address confirms it’s at our house. My mother is convinced people cannot read and will come dressed in stilettos or that people with allergies won’t take their meds or people won’t wear sunscreen (it’s at night) and everyone will be miserable and sneezing and poking holes in the lawn and everyone will die.

    *Our dog will be at the wedding (since it’s at our house and that’s where the dog happens to live).* My mother has informed me that dogs don’t belong at weddings and “WHAT IF HE JUMPS UP ON SOMEONE?” Normally a lover of dogs, my mother informs me that dogs aren’t proper wedding guests because “they don’t have great manners.” flame emoji eye roll emoji flame emoji eye roll emoji.

    *We’re having too many salad options.* People won’t know which salad they’re supposed to eat! We’re having more salad options than entree options! (Breaking news: hearty salads such as these are also entrees if eaten in a larger portion.) One salad is a quinoa salad. My mother insists on saying “quinoa” in a fake posh accent. She does not do this normally. I can practically see her raising one pinky in the air through the phone.

    *My shoes are flats/I’m wearing my hair down/all other style choices which are in keeping with how I normally look but which are now apparently offensive.* “I just don’t understand why you insist on not looking nice. My coworker Mary’s daughter Elizabeth went to a wedding and the bride looked like an absolute princess. I saw a photo. She wore her hair up.” bomb emoji skull and cross bones emoji

    Really, I think my mom is mostly annoyed that I’m not stressed out *enough* about wedding planning, which must mean it’s going to be a hippy disaster. Stay tuned for when she approaches me directly after the ceremony to whisper “ARE YOU WEARING A BRA???”

    • penguin

      “people won’t wear sunscreen (it’s at night)”

      I’m DYING

    • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

      Don’t wear stilettos, don’t wear flats.

    • ART

      “everyone will be miserable and sneezing and poking holes in the lawn and everyone will die.”

      ahh you made me choke on my lunch. LOL.

    • Emily

      This is my mother. Not about weddings but just in life. One long faulkner esque stream of consciousness of “are-you-wearing-makeup-why-not-what-about-earrings-to-go-with-that-necklace-I-don’t-understand-why-you-must-wear-THAT-dress”

      • djuna

        The struggle is real. “You need to invite so and so and I know you don’t know them but it’s important to me but I know you’re just going to ignore them anyway so I guess don’t invite them but they do give really thoughtful presents but I know you just want money anyway and I’m going to be sitting all alone because you refuse to make seating charts and your friends all look strange and drink too much and please invite this total stranger I love you bye bye.”

        • Diverkat

          Holy shit that was also MIL. “you need to invite so-and-so, even though none of us like her, because she’s related to husband’s cousin.”

          I didn’t invite my OWN aunts and uncles, or any extended family outside my immediate family. Yet having to invite someone who not only is rude as fuck, but that MIL doesn’t even like?! Why bother????

          • penguin

            Haha this is my FMIL. She put these people from her and FFIL’s family on the invite, and a couple of them were missing addresses. I asked when she would have those addresses for us, and she said she wouldn’t. They don’t like these relatives and don’t speak, but for some reason they should be invited. She said we could call them for their addresses… and then didn’t give us their phone numbers. We decided to say fuck it at this point, and some invitations for their distant family are being sent to their parents’ house, even though these people are adults and definitely out of the house by now.

          • Eh

            My MIL was upset about who was excluded from my BIL/SIL’s wedding the year before and insisted that certain people be invited because they were “offended” that they were not invited to my BIL/SIL’s wedding. I have heard that a few people did complain about not being invited to their wedding so I let her add people to the guest list. She then added her cousins, their adult children (my husband’s second cousins) and her cousins’ grandchildren. I was hesitant since I knew this was going to be a lot of people. We were not inviting people that distantly related to me (I have contact with my dad’s cousins and their families but they live all over the world, and I don’t really have contact with my mom’s cousins). My FIL stepped in and told my MIL that her cousins would not be offended (the line we drew) if they weren’t invited so we didn’t need to invite them. We agreed to include my husband’s great aunts and great uncles but drew the line there (we didn’t invite mine).

          • Jan

            This was my mom at my first wedding. I went out of town shortly after invites were finished and she told me she’d mail them for me. Weeks later I started getting RSVPs… from people I hadn’t invited. She’d taken it upon herself to invite half my stepfather’s extended family whom I had never met and she apparently doesn’t like. We’re talking, like, an additional 20 people. Did I mention we were paying for the wedding ourselves? I. Was. So. Mad.

          • Diverkat

            WHAT?!!?!?!!?!?!? How on EARTH would anyone even THINK that is okay?! I am so mad on your behalf, I’d cut someone if that happened to us.

          • Jan

            Yeah, it was not a harmonious time for the two of us. I was epically furious, especially since I’d already given in to having a larger wedding than I’d originally wanted. (I’d wanted about 30 people and agreed to invite about 100 to please my mom; that means my stepdad’s family made up 1/5 of our guest list!) Thankfully, most declined to come– you know, since I was a literal stranger to them.

    • LAinTexas

      I’ve been trying to decide which one of these is the best, and I think yours takes the cake, haha. I’m sorry that your wedding is bringing out some strange preferences in your mom!

  • april

    We did a fairly substantial, yet limited, bar at our wedding – 3 varieties of beer, 4 varieties of wine, iced tea, and lemonade. I knew that my mom had reached peak wedding craziness when she called me to insist that we also needed to have sodas – that it was actually “rude” not to have sodas …

    We did not have sodas at our wedding, and somehow everyone survived.

  • archaeopteryx

    I thought my mom would be touched when we told her that both the groom and I wanted to process in with both our parents on either side. But her first reaction was “But the cue for the bride to come in is when the mother sits down! How will people on what’s going on?” She did later simmer down on the illogical problems and appreciate the symbolism but I was pretty surprised to have to explain it to her! Both parents raised us… and people figured out when it was bride time just fine.

  • Megan

    “WHAT IS FH’S FATHER WEARING!?” I have been asked, no less than 6 times, by my parents. Will his fashion choices change anything about what my parents decide to wear? No. SO WHY DO THEY CARE SO MUCH.

    • djuna

      I’m going to change my mom’s name to “WHAT IS FH’S MOTHER WEARING.” She also let me know she’s disappointed I got married *so late* (I’m 33) because “now she’s too old to wear the nice MOB dresses.” I mean, this was clearly my plan all along.

      • Jane

        So she can wear the naughty ones now? ;)

        • Leah

          Complete with some costume devil horns to complete the naughty look

    • Jane

      My FMIL has, without prompting, reassured me several times that she won’t try to upstage my mom. Neither my mom nor I have ever expressed any interest in having my mom look or be more special than FH’s mom.

    • topscallop

      My mom and future MIL are also very perplexed about what to wear – not about what the other is wearing, but they keep asking me what I think they should wear. “Not white” is my entire response.

    • CA

      Yeah, parental attire has been an ordeal for us too. My parents started asking me what they should wear and what FH’s parents will be wearing before I had even bought a dress. They kept asking almost every time I talked to them even though my answers did not change from “I don’t know what they’re wearing! Whatever you want!”

      I usually assume my parents are just weird (they have a tendency to obsess over a whole slew of random things that other people do not worry about), so it’s reassuring to hear this particular obsession is not unique! In contrast, FH’s parents are pretty much the chillest and most down-to-earth people I’ve ever met.

      • Diverkat

        Not unique at all – both my moms and my MIL were hounding me about attire of what the others were wearing. Although my birth mom DID have trouble choosing something because she wasn’t sure what she liked best, which is always fun because then she sent me loads of PXTs with her in various (amazing) dresses. I like helping when it’s about fashion, not so much when it’s about pairing your look with other people!

      • penguin

        Yep my grandma and FMIL both did this. I hadn’t even found a wedding dress yet and they were both asking me what THEY should wear. I don’t know! I didn’t even know what I was wearing! I finally just told my grandma that I’m sure whatever they pick out will be lovely, and if they want me to see their outfit ahead of time I could look at it if it would make them feel better. FMIL is no longer speaking to me so that resolves the issue there (sort of haha).

        • Eh

          Right after we got engaged my MIL asked what our colours were. This was like the day after we got engaged and we hadn’t made any plans yet at all other than we wanted to get married roughly a year later (it was October). When we said we hadn’t picked colours (I didn’t really want to pick colours but didn’t say that) her response was that she couldn’t pick a dress if she didn’t know our colours. My husband and I looked at each other, my husband made a comment to his mother about us having a fall wedding (in a place with intense fall colours) and that she could pick any that would go with that. That didn’t resolve the problem so I just said “orange and blue”. At one point she asked what my step-mom was wearing and I probably didn’t even know. In the end, my MIL picked a lovely navy blue dress. My step-mom (who never asked about colours) wore a lovely burgundy dress (since that goes with the lovely fall colours everywhere). My husband’s grandmother wore a black dress and made a point of telling me a head of time. His grandmother likes me so she didn’t wear black out of protest, and she wasn’t asking for permission – she was just giving me a heads up. I told her that wearing black to weddings wasn’t as much of a faux pas any more, and just a couple years earlier my step-mom wore black to her son’s wedding.

      • Jan

        Oof. That sounds intense. It baffled me that both my mom and FMIL asked for my approval of their outfits. Like, what am I gonna do, say no? Live your life, girls. I can’t imagine fielding questions about what the other is wearing on top of it. Sooo unnecessary and also now awkward byyyyyee.

    • toomanybooks

      Omg yes my dad kept asking what my now-wife’s stepdad would be wearing and I was like “I don’t know, and I don’t think even he knows, but I PROMISE you will be better dressed.”

      Her stepdad wore – a suit? Pants and jacket? Idk men’s clothing – with a bright orange button down and a, um, loud tie from the 80s or 90s by the looks of it. Her dad was probably in a bolo tie and cowboy boots and thankfully not a concealed firearm as per ushe because he was suuuuper aware of gun laws everywhere.

      • Sara

        “idk men’s clothing” just about sums up the attire for any man, regardless of role, at any wedding that is not black tie – NAILED IT.

  • Rosa

    There is one very old friend of my FH. She was somewhat instrumental in us getting together, but neither one of us has had a lot of contact with her in in the last five years or so. She is bombarding us with wedding questions that are COMPLETELY NOT MY PROBLEM “What should I wear? I don’t want to clash with the bridesmaids! You know what? I’ll send you pictures that you can go over and help me decide!”

    We hadn’t even picked bridesmaids dresses yet! The wedding is FIVE MONTHS AWAY. She won’t be in any formal photos. I. DON’T. CARE.

    She also recently broke up with her husband, and wants to know if she will still be getting a plus one. Nobody is getting an unnamed plus one, except for my one bridesmaid who is poly and has 7 regular partners so we left it up to her to choose one.

    My FH finally sent her a text message saying, basically, “You’re invited, we’ll see about a plus one based on RSVPs. Leave poor rosa alone.” She then posted a huge diatribe about false friends on Facebook.

    Don’t need this.

    • Leah

      Ugh that is too much.

    • Alli

      Off topic, but I’m impressed that your poly bridesmaid has enough emotional energy for seven partners. I don’t think I have the ability to stay connected with my fiance plus more than like..3 friends in a given month.

    • penguin

      Oof, I would have been tempted to just not invite her at that point.

  • Eyema

    There’s more backstory, but my family is freaking out that I will be bringing The Wrong Amount of Boobs to my sister’s wedding.
    real brief: i’m genderqueer and getting a breast reduction six weeks before my sisters’ wedding. She flipped out and accused me of trying to “use her wedding as a coming out party”

    • Leah

      Wow. I think your fam needs to focus a bit less on your chest tbh. Unless you’re planning on wearing a “this is me, COMING OUT” banner as an outfit, your sister needs to chill.

    • penguin

      That’s ridiculous. And people get breast reduction surgery for other reasons too, like back pain. It’s nobody’s business what you do with your body, and that’s such a weird assumption for her to make. Sorry she’s being a jerk

    • Diverkat

      WTF. Okay you probably already know this, but your family IS SO VERY IN THE WRONG here. That’s such a garbage attitude to have. I’m so sorry.

    • Sara

      This is appalling. I’m so sorry your own sibling is so insensitive. And good luck with your surgery! Sending good vibes. <3

  • Alexandra

    I got married in 2013 and Pinterest was full of non-matching bridesmaids. Used Weddington Way rental bridesmaid dresses and decided to get the dresses within a color palette…it was a whole Pinterest fueled thing and I was stoked about it.

    OMG my mom’s crazy pants reaction to the concept of non-matching bridesmaids’ dresses. I stopped answering my calls because she was freaking out so much. I will never forget the psycho voice mail she left…all breathy and dramatic…”Cokes, if you do this with the bridesmaids’ dresses, I don’t think I’ll be able to come. I would just be…so embarrassed…I just can’t believe you would do this…please call back…”

    Seriously. Never mind that I had originally wanted a green/blue color palette because green/blue is my jam, and she talked me into bright pinks because somehow pink was necessary. I capitulated because honestly I didn’t really care that much. All of my wedding decisions were based on the rubric of “what’s easiest/cheapest while still, you know, staying classy”.

    • penguin

      That voicemail is amazing and ridiculous. I love this thread.

  • Karina

    My mom was insistent that we really needed to include an inner envelope in our invitations – you know, the totally unnecessary second envelope directly inside the larger one that basically just has names on it. She was totally fine with everything else we decided on, but OH GOD THE INNER ENVELOPE! How will people even know this is a wedding?!?!?!

    • Sara

      She would die if she knew what I was doing – just a postcard invitation with a RSVP URL on the back!

  • Sara

    Soooo many things but my favorite: I was told point-blank, after moving our original wedding date to accommodate a huge college football game, that we “ruined [insert music festival here] weekend.” I really have no words for these people and I’m pretty over this whole thing at this point.

  • I think my favorite one from our recent wedding was “But if you have mixed gender wedding parties, how will people walk down the aisle? Who will they walk down with?” DUH they will walk down with whoever is standing on the other side. I don’t care about their gender, just get them down the aisle and onto the reception. This isn’t Noah’s Ark.

    • somanypseudonyms

      “This isn’t Noah’s Ark” produced some pretty hilarious mental images ++++

  • Grace

    This thread has been great perspective for FH and I :D We’ve been lucky, and so far no one’s been too bad. With two months to go, I’ve started responding to weird “problems” with exactly the consideration they deserve. So, if the demand would befit a four-year-old, it gets a four year old’s answer.

    Co-worker: Why aren’t you doing your nails on your own wedding day? You HAAAAVE to do your nails!
    Me: I don’t WANNA. Pbbt. *runs off*

    …it’s probably not the most diplomatic way to shut people up. But so far, it’s working.

  • Had a tiny wedding (12 ppl), and I seriously wish these were pre-wedding…but here are the issues that my mother in law had the day OF the wedding:

    – my makeup artist ran late, so the first look was late and she would “just do her own hair and makeup so things were in control”
    – boo hoo she didn’t want to come along to a photoshoot because she wanted to go drink at a bar with my husband’s best man (who is my husbands age)
    – threw a passive aggressive hissy fit because my husband and i put bow ties on our 2 cats and she thought it was like abuse
    – had to skip have a glass of champagne after the wedding to catch up with the timeline and make dinner reservations…claims it was such a massive waste of (FOUR) bottles of champagne (which MY mother paid for. she paid for NOTHING)
    – didn’t seem to want to let my husband and i ride to the venue after the ceremony alone. so SHE rode with him and guilted him the entire time about how she should just go home and “kill herself.” (i am very sensitive to mental illnesses. this was a cry for attention)

  • Ally Lowe

    I was told that I HAD to have cake of some sort at the reception, no exceptions. “People will be expecting cake, you HAVE TO HAVE IT”. Apparently the world screeches to a halt if there is no cake.

  • Caitlin

    My mum seems to be simmering down mostly but the latest thing is OBVIOUSLY her and my FMIL are going to be getting corsages that are bigger & better than everyone else’s.
    The background is that my FH has been making literally hundreds (over 350 at the last count) of paper flowers for bouquets, table decorations and buttonholes for all the bridal party. We have said on the invitations that if you need anything on the day, ask someone wearing a paper flower as they will know. So their “corsages” will be 1 paper flower like everyone else’s and apparently I am being hideously unfair. I can’t wait to find out what happens when she finds out my Dad’s SO will be having one as well….