Learning Unexpected Lessons on Our Hawaiian Honeymoon

Unlearning fear

Learning Lessons On Our Hawaiian Honeymoon

At my wedding, I knew my dad would thank everyone for coming and express some sincere sentiments about me as his daughter, and my husband as his son-in-law. I did not know that my mother would also give a speech, and I felt pretty nervous as it began.

She began by announcing that, in case anyone didn’t know, I was engaged to be married once before, to someone else, and canceled that wedding at the last minute (cue my sweaty palms, crowd’s nervous laughter). Turns out that no one needed to feel nervous; my mom had a very real and very loving point to her story. She explained—without any grisly details—how different this experience has been for me and my family, and how it wasn’t until this time around that she could appreciate how wonderful, supportive, loving, and fun the process can be from dating to engagement to marriage. She included a funny and magical anecdote about drinking the last of the old wedding-wine they stored in their basement for almost a decade, and swearing I would meet “the one” once the bottle was empty. I began dating Kalen that same weekend. We know because she dated the bottle and brought it. So, while it seemed risky to bring up my uncomfortable history at this wedding, it actually felt perfectly authentic as our whole truth. There is something bittersweet but undeniable about relearning how lovely life can be, and appreciating the present all the more, because of pains we have endured in the past.

Two months later (and two weeks ago) it was happening again in Hawaii. My mom wasn’t there to give a speech, but I was relearning experiences to be wonderful instead of traumatic, and this time it was all my husband’s fault.

“Bad Things Will Happen”

Our honeymoon kind of fell into our lap. We weren’t sure we could really find the time or money to get away at all, but when a friend invited us to his small wedding in Kauai, we abandoned excuses and made it happen. We’ve been together almost five years, and we’ve lived together for almost four; I would like to think by now that I have settled into life with a Kind Person.

Then he thinks it might be fun to kayak in Kauai.

I did not want to go kayaking in Kauai. I said it looked boring. I said it would probably rain. I said let’s snorkel and visit botanical gardens and drive to the top of Waimea canyon. We did all that, and we still had time. So I said let’s go miniature golfing and get flaming drinks at a tiki bar and look for vintage muu’muus at thrift stores. We did all that, and still, there was time. I had to get real about why I didn’t want to kayak, and why I could barely look my new husband in the eyes when he talked about it. Over a big bowl of blue shaved ice, I explained that I’ve been kayaking twice before, and I learned that it is a terrible and frightening activity. The first time was in France on a class trip. Using a map, our guide explained that we were two bends in the river that we had to be especially careful—bad things will happen was the basic French to English translation. The day was fun enough until my kayaking partner and I found ourselves unable to steer our craft away from dangerous bend number one and we were immediately thrown into ice-melt freezing cold rapids. We were saved by my teacher and his wife who scooped us up and let us ride with them for the rest of the coldest and scariest day of my life.

The second time I was kayaking was with an ex-boyfriend. I generally refer to him as my “mean boyfriend,” because that sums up the experience without and distracting anyone from whatever story I am trying to tell. For the record, he never hit me. I believe that he would have, eventually, if I stayed with him. Years ago, it was his birthday and I bought us a guided kayaking trip in Tomales Bay. I don’t remember much except that he yelled at me a lot—I wasn’t paddling fast enough, I wasn’t steering sharp enough, I wasn’t doing anything right.

In conclusion, I told my husband, kayaking is really scary and I am not good at it and he would yell at me.

Calmly and patiently, my husband asked me to consider our present reality: there are no rapids on the Wailua River, and the water is really warm. Most importantly, he was not going to yell at me, no matter how I paddled. Kalen has never yelled at me. He had a point; we signed up for a day on the river.

Oh Right. I love this guy.

Guys, kayaking is so fun! The river was calm and our yellow boat glided over the warm water so easily that Kalen often suggested I rest while he did the paddling. Sometimes we both lifted our paddles and just drifted to the sound of crowing roosters rustling on the riverbanks. The lush Kauai jungle climbed to the sky, we could see mountains in the distance, it was never too hot. It even rained for a little bit, but it was tropical and didn’t last very long. We hiked through mud to a waterfall, and followed the map to a swimming hole where Kalen jumped off a cliff.

After a long fun adventure up the river, it was time to glide home. Done with swimming for the day, I put on my jumpsuit and we started back. And that is when the kayak tipped over. The water was not freezing. I did not feel scared that bad things will happen, in fact my feet could touch the muddy bottom and I stood up right away. Most importantly, Kalen did not yell at me. I hadn’t done anything wrong. He was so apologetic, and we looked so silly in our soaking clothes on the bank of the river that it didn’t even occur to me to be mad at him.

Not all rivers are cold and dangerous

After almost five years with this man, I still feel like I am relearning how life can be. My brain locks into traumatic experiences as a defense mechanism, but it’s time for me to start questioning my belief systems around things that happened long ago with different people: kayaking, holidays, being pregnant, being in love, trusting that my partner is exactly who he says he is.

My past is a part of who I am, it is a part of my whole truth, but it doesn’t have to control the decisions I make now. This does not mean that I will dive headfirst into anything and everything. It means there is space for communication, and a partner with whom I can look at the present facts instead of relying on the past for evidence. As it turns out, not all rivers are cold and dangerous.

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