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The List: The 4-5 Months Out Version

As my wedding approaches, I’ve decided to introduce a new blog feature. I’m calling it “the list.” If you are a bride, you are in the possession of at least one wedding list. I’m looking at mine now, as published by a major bridal publication. I thought, before these lists gave us a collective nervous breakdown or a full blown anxiety disorder, we should discuss it. You know, as a group. Because I’m not sure what is more ridiculous: the items on the list, or the fact that they break down every item into 55 silly steps, making you think that buying your shoes will take a month of your time. I plan to only be in love with the person I’m marrying at the wedding, not the person I’m marrying and my shoes and my dress and my caterer and the favors and the DJ and the best-bridesmaids-dresses-ever andandandandand….

I’m on the “4-5 months before” page. Here is a short list of my recommended activities for the month:

* Book the rehearsal dinner venue (it’s a welcome picnic in our case, and the meadow is reserved. Also, can I point out this is not obligatory?), and the venue for the day-after brunch (No. No, no, no. The day after the wedding is my time. I’ll be doing exactly what I please.)
* Checking on the wedding invites (ok, this actually seems fair)
* Select and order a cake – attend several tastings (really, several??)
* Get “showered” (I will be, but that’s not on *my* list, I just show up. Also? Totally not required. But anyway, list points out I should do this now, because they have PLANS for me in the coming months, and I will not have free time. Any free time.)
* Purchase shoes and start dress fittings (really? Does purchasing shoes take months and deserve it’s own line item? And how hard is it to make a dress fit? Anyway, since we made mine, its going to fit. I do need to sew on some lace though. And make a veil. But these items don’t seem to make the list.)
* Make sure to insure your engagement ring. (First of all: any ring worth so much I had to insure would be part of a down payment on a house (or a boat, fun!))
* Schedule hair and makeup artists. Make a few trial appointments with local experts. Take photos so you can remember exactly how you looked. Go out to a fancy dinner after each trial. (A Few? Ok. At this point I’m starting to wonder if they are aware I have a job, and a non-wedding life. Suddenly they are booking up every moment of every weekend. Also, this is getting unbelievably expensive, and we haven’t even hit the wedding yet.)
* Choose Songs. Songs for when the wedding party is introduced. Songs for during dinner. Songs for getting the party started. Keep a running list of songs you do and do not want played. Are you OCD? If not, become OCD. (See, this is nervous breakdown material. Apparently I need to hire a Hollywood pro to write a multi-hour soundtrack. Ack. Ack.)
*Grooms: Give all of the groomsmen the information they need to buy and/or reserve their attire. (Um, we told them suits. Do we need to walk them to the store? Whattheh*ll.)
*
Brides: Choose your bridesmaids’ accessories (shoes, gloves, etc.) and either purchase or pass along purchasing information (Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Gloves? Right.)
* Brides: Experiment with your beauty routine, self-tanners, and facials. (Wait. Excuse me. Full stop:

DID I JUST GET ASKED TO TRY OUT SELF TANNERS? Girlfriend, please.)

* Plan welcome baskets for guests. A few ideas: a detailed itinerary, a list of restaurants in town, transportation options, locally produced gourmet foods, a hand drawn (really!??!) map of local attractions, a sweet smelling candle to freshen the room. (are you effing kidding me? What now I’m a travel agent too? I can’t assume that my guests are full grown adults who can figure out how to take a bus and find a restaurant. Sweetbabyjesus. Why did I even sign up for this?)
*Make or buy favors. Allow extra time for custom-made favors (i.e., chocolates in a preprinted box). (Well, I don’t even need to comment on this. Favors send me into a blackout rage period. But wait. Wait. A PREPRINTED CHOCOLATE BOX? Why did I even bother with those six cake tastings if I’m just serving chocolates? GARRRRR!)

And just wait till next month. The three month list will require me to quit my job, get some heavy duty anxiety meds, and hire a wedding planner. It should be good times.

Yesterday Erika had this to say about the infamous check lists: And when you login to the Knot it tells you “you have 93 items due this month” or whatever. Gawd, it is THE WORST. Total blackout. So, please, share. What it the most ridiculous thing on your “wedding checklist”?

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