It’s weird how we get wedding fantasies set in our heads when we are little girls. Everyone always says that they never thought about their wedding until they got engaged, but I’m not going to lie to you. I started dreaming about my wedding as soon as I could talk. When my mom gave me my first piggy bank at four, she asked me if I’d like to save for college. “No,” I told her “College is boring. I want to save for my wedding.” I still remember the horrified look on my feminist mother’s face. “But…” she said weakly, “You know that girls can do anything! What would you like to do?” “Save for my wedding dress,” I said firmly.
At four, I was perfectly sure of the wedding dress I would get. One that was big, poofy, and looked as much like Glenda the Good Witch’s dress at possible. Over the years my idea of a wedding dress slowly scaled back. A five years ago, I was sure I’d get married in a elegant lace sheath dress, and over the past few years I grew to love short wedding dresses too, but I was sure they were not for me, since I would want something ‘more traditional.’ But each time I’ve put on a big dramatic wedding dress – the kind I thought I was going to love- it felt like I was in some sort of wedding dress costume. I just didn’t feel like myself. And I wanted full range of motion, I knew that much! So, slowly, I’ve started to think that a short dress is for me. I’ve tried one on now, and even my mom, who was not on board with the idea, fell in love with it.
The other evening, we were driving by the Legion Of Honor while a formal wedding was going on. The bride walked out on the patio in a full ballgown wedding dress and veil. “Ohhhhhhh….” I said. “Look at the beautiful bride! One day soon I’ll be a bride and look just like that.” And all my hard wiring* kicked in, and I thought to myself – “I have to get a dress like that! It’s my one chance to wear a dress like that!” And then I realized I really didn’t want to wear a dress like that.
I do wish my brain would learn to agree with itself. At the very least. Any childhood wedding dreams you just can’t shake?
*And for the record, my mom only dressed me in blue when I was little. No pink. And overalls, not dresses. And we had no TV for gender programing. The hard wiring is all mine.