Losing the Key to Marriage (and Finding It Again)

But I thought you had it

Now that we’ve been married for over a month, people have stopped asking about the wedding. Instead, they pose the seemingly innocuous question of “How’s married life?”

“Oh, you know,” I say. “Not that different, really.”

It’s an oddly personal question that pretends to be conversational. “How do you think people would respond if I said it’s terrible?” I asked Jared. “Married life sucks.” We laughed about it and agreed that being married feels very much like being engaged, but without a wedding to plan. Which is true, mostly.

I didn’t feel married until we had our first fight. Our vows were still fresh in my mind, because it had only been six hours since we’d said them. In the oddly rushed fifteen minutes after the band stopped playing and before the two guest shuttles departed, neither of us thought to locate our one shared key to our rental cottage. We were hustled to the backseat of my parents’ car as it started to rain, everyone anxious that the bride and groom wouldn’t get involved in the cleanup.

I realized it as my dad drove us down the long, winding road toward our little cottage. Jared was falling asleep in my lap, cushioned by the folds of my crumpled wedding dress. A combination of emotions and celebratory Jaeger shots had taken their toll, and he was done; I had a sinking feeling that the key hadn’t made it in the car.

“Hey Jared,” I asked, “do you have the key?”

He didn’t. I borrowed my dad’s phone to call my sisters, not realizing that their phones were both locked in the trunk. I rang my friend whose number hadn’t changed since 1997 because it was the only other one I had memorized. No one on her shuttle had the key. I insisted that my parents drop us off anyway because I didn’t want them to get involved with the needle-in-a-haystack search. Worst-case scenario, I’d walk up to the main house and knock; surely they would have a spare key and take pity on a wet bride.

Once my parents left, we combusted. Jared and I ended up shouting at each other in frustration; the last of the wedding tension rose up and let loose. It was ugly, irrational, and totally unnecessary, but the worst fights are usually like that. Learning to fight has been an ongoing project for us, and being married didn’t change that.

Something ticked over in me mid-argument, and I realized that, all going well, I was going to have occasional fights with this man for the rest of my life. We couldn’t avoid it completely, so we really should try to do a better job when it happens. These two people yelling on the porch in the fancy clothes, they weren’t the best versions of us, and I knew that. This particular fight may have been happening on our wedding night, but it didn’t get to set the tone for our marriage.

“Let’s not do this,” I said. “I’m going to get a spare key.” I marched up to the house, muddy dress hitched up as I went through the puddles (but false eyelashes firmly in place, those things really do defy logic), and knocked.

No one answered.

I shuffled back down the driveway, listening to the pitiful sound of my dress dragging behind me over the concrete. It was time for plan C: spend the night in the hammock with the mosquitoes. Our marriage could start fresh in the morning; I had no more emotion to give. When I got to the front door, it was open.

“I popped out the window screen,” Jared said. “Took about two seconds.”

We stayed up, talking it out like two people who had just vowed to spend their lives together. We agreed that we wouldn’t let the key episode spoil our memories of the wedding, which had been close to perfect. In a way it seems like denial to refuse to remember the argument, but what I remember now is not the way we fought. It’s the way that I still wanted to be married, even though we had temporarily brought out the worst in each other.

The key turned up the next day. The story is still hazy; it was in someone’s pocket, apparently, but no one can explain how it got there. It’s not important, and by then it didn’t matter anymore. The wound on our young marriage was already healing. We are learning to be more careful with our fledgling marriage, to bring each other up even when it’s easier to wear each other down.

Married life has not unlocked any secrets or changed our day-to-day; it is the same life, but somehow it already seems like more.

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  • Alice

    “But what I remember now is not the way we fought. It’s the way that I still wanted to be married, even though we had temporarily brought out the worst in each other.”

    I can’t even begin to say how true this is. We’ve had a couple of rough fights lately, including a big one last night, which we did eventually talk out, and even finished up feeling decent, if exhausted. Impeccable timing once again, APW. Even through the worst part of last night, though, I think we both knew we wanted to be married. We fought because we both wanted the same thing, and we were frustrated that that somehow made us bring out the worst in each other, instead of feeling like a team.

    • Sparkles

      Yes. This is so true. My partner and I had a really rough summer one year, because of external circumstances we were both heavily involved in, and it was HARD. Getting through that summer was really hard. And I used it as a way to evaluate if this relationship was what I really wanted, because it could get this hard, even harder, in the future if we kept going.

      Having made the decision to keep going, I know now when things get hard that this is what I chose. Consciously and rationally, I chose this person. I know it’s not possible for everyone to go through something big before they get married, but I do really think being able to have BIG fights and still choose to keep going is pretty valuable. Especially knowing that it’s always a choice.

      • 39bride

        “Consciously and rationally, I chose this person.” So true for all the rough spots, not just the fights. In our 2.5-year marriage we’ve been through two job losses, devastating illness on one side of the family, massive dysfunction on the other, insta-family w/ preteen nieces, home flooding, financial challenges, my own chronic illness, etc, etc, etc. But when I think back with longing to the relative ease/simplicity of single life, it’s only for a moment. Because I chose this person and all that came with it, eyes wide open because it was better with him than without. And time has proven the rightness of that, as I think he is what has kept me sane amid the insanity. So often we don’t get to pick our trials, but we get to pick who to spend them with.

        • Shotgun Shirley

          “So often we don’t get to pick our trials, but we get to pick who to spend them with.”

    • Amanda L.

      It’s amazing how those disagreements can happen when you’re on the same side. In fact, in pre-martial couples counseling, we would bring up issues and talk them through, and our therapist would point out, “It sounds like you’re actually more on the same page than you think you are.” It’s amazing how that can get lost sometimes – for us it’s when we focus too much on how we’re approaching something or how we’re framing things differently.

    • Lauren from NH

      I wish fighting was more normalized. Or maybe it’s my own hang up, but I used to feel a lot of shame or anxiety about our fights, or maybe that just comes with the territory of feeling out if this was just a passing relationship or an almost marriage. It is a relief now that our fights feel so limited in their meaning, like this one fight says so little about us, about anything really, and if we happen to forget about it in the morning and no one even apologizes that would be fine, good even (this is more of a general than literal feeling) and we just carry on our merry way.

      • ItsyBit

        Seriously! I used to feel like every little fight was a sign that we were teetering over the edge of falling apart, and I’m so, so glad that it doesn’t feel that way anymore. Years ago, after my first “real” fight with my now-husband, I actually called my aunt in awe to talk about it. “So THIS is what it’s like to be in a healthy relationship? You fight, but then you work it out and get over it and everything’s okay? THAT’S AWESOME!” (Apparently watching my parents’ divorce and a bunch of rom-coms had done a bit of a number on me.)

      • Becca Daniels

        It really should be. When I see couples for counseling I ask them HOW they fight, not IF.

  • Tuff

    Thanks for being so honest. Sometimes it feels like we are the only ones having fights (and sometimes ugly ones at that) and it’s great to see we’re a) not alone and b) not doomed because of it.
    So thanks.

  • Amanda L.

    I think the wedding night fight is not uncommon – we also had a stupid fight that was the result of built up tension and stress from the day. We’re also working on how to argue better (and started that conversation in pre-marital counseling before the wedding). As you said, we fight, but at the end of the day, we still want to be married.

    Also, I’m getting really sick of the “How’s married life?” question. We’ve been married for about six weeks. I keep saying, “Oh, it’s about the same as before,” which apparently is not what people want to hear.

    • Rosie

      That question annoyed me too when we got married. I think people really want to say ‘so, that thing happened, and you’re all married now, huh?’ It seems to be a way of recognising the event. I took to just saying ‘it’s good’ and most people left it at that.

    • anonpsu

      I just say “the same” and everyone says “yeh not much changes, right?”. I don’t really mind the question though, I think they’re just trying to make conversation.

      • Amanda L.

        Unfortunately, I haven’t encountered that answer. People genuinely want me to say how amazing and different and wonderful it is. I’m just going to start saying that so that I don’t have to deal with the awkward follow up of “what do you mean it’s not different??”

        • brendalynn

          Yep, this was my experience too. I had a coworker get angry after I responded to that question with, “It doesn’t really seem different,” with a rant about how being married IS different and how could I say that, etc., etc. Clearly, this was a quiz that I failed, not an actual inquiry into my life :) I guess I learned this is another one of those questions where many people really just want to hear “Great!”

    • TeaforTwo

      I had the opposite reaction to that question: I had so many coworkers ask me about married life while practically rolling their eyes and laughing, and then most of them would answer their own question – “not very different, is it?”

      For me it WAS. Sure, our daily routine is the same as it was when we lived together, and we still squabble about dishes in the sink and laundry on the bathroom floor. But the relationship, and the way we approach it, feels different, and there were new and different practical things, too: we combined our finances and had to figure that out, we had to figure out how to do holidays without having an escape hatch of just each retreating to our own families.

      Marriage was a HUGE turning point in our relationship, and I thought it was so strange when other married people would laugh about how it didn’t change anything. If it weren’t any different from not being married, why would we have gotten married?

      • Amanda L.

        I think that for us, we had actually approached some of those issues before we were married because we lived together for years. The point of getting married for us, even if things didn’t change much, is that we were making a commitment to each other in a way that was public and permanent, even if we knew before we were even engaged that this was it for both of us.

        It feels different in that there’s a sense of permanence there and security that wasn’t the same before we got married (though it was there, just to a different degree). The only big married issue that’s coming up now is finances – we opened a joint account but haven’t quite figured out what to do with it yet, and it’s awkward and uncomfortable for us to deal with, so we’re kind of making it up as we go along until we figure out what’s right for us. For me, that’s the only huge difference.

      • anonpsu

        Like Amanda, we also got married to make a public commitment to each other. Yes we have to finally combine our finances, but we set our our expectations for marriage and discussed things like the holidays before we got married (and did combined holidays while engaged). I think for some people a lot changes with marriage, and others barely anything changes.

      • Not Sarah

        I think everyone’s experience is different. My sibling and their partner started sharing Christmas after they’d been dating for about 2 years. My boyfriend and I are starting to share Christmas this year after 1.5* years. We’re going to my parents’ this year and the agreement is we’ll go to his parents’ next year. We’ve also been slowly creating very small joint finances for the shared expenses we have now that we’re living together. His parents think we should just get married already, but neither of us are quite ready for that…

        By the time we get married, I doubt it’ll be all that different than living together other than I know that like you said, “the relationship, and the way we approach it, [will feel] different” since I know things definitely shifted ever so slightly when we moved from friends to casually dating and then to relationship. But I can totally see how for some relationships it can seem even more different than just that.

        *We’ve been dating for 1.5 years, but we were friends for 5 years before we started dating.

        • Violet

          I agree it differs. I’d add it’s not always logistics that create the differences among people. My partner said he felt differently immediately after the ceremony. I didn’t feel different at all. And we obviously went through the logistical changes (moving in, treating one another as family, finances, etc) at the same times. Don’t know if that meant I already felt more secure in the relationship before the wedding than he did, or what, but obviously something else is going on under the surface in some cases.
          As to why get married if nothing will change, well, you don’t know beforehand if you’ll feel differently or not. You might have some guesses, but there’s no absolute telling, really.

          • TeaforTwo

            Yeah, I would say that the logistical stuff is just a tiny part of what changed. (Although merging finances was pretty big. We’d had a joint account before we got married for joint expenses like travel, rent, dinners together etc. but joining it ALL – having our paycheques go into the same pot, joining retirement savings and student debt…that was completely different.)

            The real change was the permanence. We’d been together 3 years before we got married, and had WANTED to be together that whole time. I still want to be with him, but making a public vow of permanence was huge, and has changed the tone of all of the fights that we’ve had since then. It is wonderful, and I love being married to him, but it’s definitely different from when we were dating, living together or even engaged.

          • Not Sarah

            Your second paragraph is very similar to my reasons for wanting to get married :) So lovely!

            I don’t know that we would ever 100% combine finances for a variety of reasons, which is one of the (shrinking list of) reasons why I’m not ready to get married.

          • Meg Keene

            You should go back and read past APW articles on the subject. Mostly because if you’re not planning to combine finances, you need to make sure you get a iron clad pre-nup. What people don’t always realize is that you’re legally combining your finances when you sign your marriage licence. If you want to keep them separate without a pre-nup you have to follow some specific rules to the letter, and even then only particular accounts will stay separate. (And again, you’ll want to consult a lawyer to make sure you know how to do this right.) In the event of divorce, or anything else, the legal fiction that your finances are separate will dissolve (which can be quite painful if you didn’t plan for it). So, if you know you don’t want to merge finances, I really recommend getting a lawyer and working out a pre-nup. It will protect you legally, but it will also make you have all the hard conversations about what exactly you want to do, and why exactly you want to do that. It’s not easy stuff, but it’s so so important.



          • Not Sarah

            That’s my plan. My new job has some legal benefits, so I am going to investigate early next year. We both have strong and comparable income, but one of us has much more in the way of assets and I doubt that gap will ever be close. If I thought the gap would close (e.g. the one with fewer assets would end up with a higher paying job than the other one versus us continuing to make the same amount), I would be okay with getting married without a pre-nup, but I don’t foresee that changing.

            I would love to combine finances (especially since our incomes are so comparable!) instead of keeping things completely separate, but I’m having a really hard time coming up with a fair way to do so. I think the closest we’ll come to fully combining is sharing spending and then keeping savings separate. We do agree on savings and investing strategies, even though the money is in separate accounts, which is pretty awesome.

            Maybe if I have a consultation with a lawyer that would help me feel less scared about that part of getting married.

          • TeaforTwo

            YES please talk to a lawyer! In the jurisdiction I live in, assets from the before the marriage are never combined, only assets acquired during the marriage. (With some exceptions like inheritances.)

            Teasing out exactly how that works can be tricky, but I don’t think that anyone should sign such a huge and binding contract without understanding the implications.

            One of my coworkers right now is having a sickening learning experience as she’s splitting up with her husband, because she insists that they never merged their finances (he has some nasty consumer debt that she didn’t know the details of.) The trouble is that the second they got married, the DID merge their finances, they just did that without knowing what their finances looked liked. Lawyers for everyone!

          • Not Sarah

            Ugh I feel for your coworker! That is so sad.

            Don’t worry, I plan to talk to a lawyer before we’re even officially engaged :) I don’t want to get engaged without knowing what married finances would look like legally. I really liked the APW post from a lawyer named Dan who has a pre-nup. It sounded like him and his wife set up that any money that goes into a joint account is joint and any other money is separate. That seems pretty future flexible! But I am going to talk to a lawyer. I was so excited to learn that one of the benefits with my new employer is legal fees!

          • Lauren from NH

            Yeah I think it actually makes more sense than it doesn’t. Some people are very milestone oriented or maybe they aren’t but one sneaks up and triggers little emotional changes anyways. T and have been together 6 years now, but somehow getting engaged changed a lot for me. It made our plans to be together less like vague inclinations, passing conversations, it was a social, personal, emotional, financial crossing over, that has left me with a very calm contentment in us a a team. Also I think we are both rather proud of ourselves and each other since it took so much work together. But there isn’t much outward change nor do I imagine a great outward change after the wedding. I think those outward changes happen more slowly, we will probably be rather different after the wedding compared with when we first got engaged, but by then it will have sunk in, the year of making decisions and forming our family as seperate from our families of origin, and won’t show. We’ll see…

        • Meg Keene

          It was different for us, and we were living together and doing Christmas together and all of it. We’d been friends for 14 years and together for 5, and getting married was a WATERSHED. After that, it was all different. Some of it we saw right away, some of it has played out over time, but it was a turning point. The turning point, really.

          But yeah, because it’s not dependent on externals, I think there is no way to tell. Also, you can’t necessarily even tell a few weeks after. Sometimes you look back and realize, “Oh that was huge,” but you can’t see it for years.

          And like others have said, true and total joint finances was a pretty huge thing. Not so much logistically, but suddenly knowing that our ENTIRE futures now depended on each other, not just emotionally, but also financially, and that was a legal and contractual commitment we’d made that would be hugely difficult to get out of. That was big.

          • Not Sarah

            :) I can completely see that, considering how strong of a turning point deciding to be in a relationship versus just being friends was looking back. Considering how sad I have been about quitting my job that I hate, I’m pretty sure that getting married will also be a watershed.

          • Vanessa

            I like that you differentiate between external and some of the more intangible changes. Because it’s so much easier to predict that externals will be the same or different (living together, sharing finances, trying to get pregnant etc) and impossible to know if and how the intangible things will be affected. Once you go down one path you can’t know how the other would have turned out – maybe you would have experienced watershed change in your relationship even if you didn’t get married, maybe it would have happened later, maybe not at all.

            Sometimes there’s a disconnect in the way we talk about this stuff, something I can’t put my finger on. It’s like being asked “how’s married life?” – the person asking probably has nothing but good intentions, and yet for some people it ends up feeling like a weirdly pressured question.

            I’m not yet engaged, and there are times I’ve said “well I don’t think much will change” (meaning externally) and had my married friends rush to tell me “everything changes everything is different you have no idea”. Which, ok, I’m not married so I don’t know. And I appreciate my friends’ insight and their willingness to let me learn from their experiences. But a lot of the time those conversations make me feel the same weird pressure as (I’m guessing) “how’s married life?” does for others, like there is some subtext. For me, it feels like whoever is telling me that their relationship is so different now is also saying that until you’re married, your relationship is a perpetual adolescent. I know that most people who tell me their relationship is different aren’t saying that to make me feel that way, it’s just those few jerks that “pee in the pool” and leave me ruminating for hours afterwards.

            I guess it’s just a good reminder to be mindful and kind. We can’t control how others experience the things we say, but we can try to be aware of the unspoken messages we might be sending.

    • Amy March

      I think this question functions a lot like “how are you?” If you don’t want to engage you just answer “good, thanks. Can’t believe how cold it’s getting.”

      I kind of understand the frustration, but kind of not. Did we not all spend senior year being asked “so how about college” or “found a job yet?” Most people are just trying to demonstrate that they’ve noticed something happened in your life.

  • Nicole Brown

    I absolutely hate the “how’s married life” question, except when it comes from someone I trust who I can be honest with (it’s mostly the same except I’m freaking out because I just went through this huge rite of passage and now I don’t know what to do next and actually we felt more connected before the wedding because now he’s working too much and….AHHHH!!!) And I try to say all of this in a knowing glance and coy smile.

    • That question really bugged me too. Especially because they seemed so dissatisfied when I told them it was like before but we were saving money on gas and having sex. I like that she admitted it wasn’t that different right off the bat.

    • J

      Ugh the ‘how’s married life’ question. This, and the ones before the wedding (aka how’s the planning coming, are you freaking out, are you…) are so gender biased it drives me nuts. For weeks after we got married so many random people were asking me about married life now. My husband was asked ONE TIME months later. From that one time though, he told me his response to me and it made me smile: ‘While not all guys will say this, being married is freaking awesome. It’s the best and I’m so happy!’ :)

  • TeaforTwo

    I loved reading this. My husband and I had an absolutely perfect wedding night (it was part of the reason I wanted an afternoon wedding – to get to spend the evening alone together instead of coming home too exhausted to…talk about our future.)

    And then.

    We got married in an enormous snowstorm, and were leaving for the Caribbean the next morning. Because all of the previous day’s flights had been cancelled, the airport was PACKED, and even though we got there 3 hours early, we had to pulled out of the security line and golf-carted to the gate. When we got to the gate, they weren’t quite boarding yet, and so we went to the coffee stand, because we had just spent 3 hours in line with no breakfast. I get a muffin. My husband orders the ONE hot item that they sell, that will take 5 minutes to heat up.

    I am, at that point, exhausted and stressed out from 3 hours of panicking that we would miss our flight and snap. My utterly implacable husband barely reacts. Smiles. Looks at his watch. “Well, that took 18 hours.”

  • macrain

    Dude. My husband and I fought on our honeymoon! In paradise! It was pretty much awful, but we had different expectations for our trip. He thought we would be hitting up bars and going dancing every night, and all I wanted was sleep!
    I also have a dear friend who had the worst fight of her entire relationship the night before she got married. She and her husband hastily made up the next morning before it was time to part ways to get ready. She couldn’t even talk to us about it until months had passed.
    This is another part of weddings that no one talks about, but it makes sense that fighting happens in and around your wedding. You are both under so much stress and pressure, of course things will boil over. It’s obvious, and yet rarely discussed.
    Thank you, Lauren!

    • Emily

      “You are both under so much stress and pressure, of course things will boil over. It’s obvious, and yet rarely discussed.”

      SO TRUE!

      Lauren, thank you for sharing this! I really appreciate it. It feels much more real and honest than wedding-fairy tales of happily ever after. The “how’s married life” question irritates me too, but I’m not sure why.

    • Hannah

      My gosh, yes. After over a year of being engaged the best advice I can give to newly engaged friends is NOT to freak out if (when) they start fighting with their partner more. It’s normal. There’s no reason for everyone to beat themselves up over and second guess the meaning behind something that every couple seems to go through, yet it is still n.e.v.e.r. talked about.

    • Ally


      I spent our whole wedding night SOBBING because we stayed at the after party way too long and it took me hours to drag him out of there and I was so beyond exhausted – mentally/physically/emotionally. In my mind – he should have realized I was falling asleep in the corner and that I couldn’t just say “We need to get the F out of here” in front of all of our friends…in his mind he wanted to spend more time with friends that flew across the country and were leaving the next day.

      It was definitely the heightened pressure and emotion of the weekend that made me erupt. We’ve never had an incident even close to that magnitude in our 4.5 years together.

      So yeah, weddings seriously mess with you on many levels.

      • Lindsay Rae

        OMG! Same thing happened to us. We had an after party at the bar at hotel where everyone was staying, which dwindled down at 2am, but then migrated into 3 different hotel rooms that my husband wanted to visit. I wanted to go back to our suite, I was still in my dress and completely exhausted – so we definitely bickered.. he dropped a beer in the doorway of our room and I flipped out saying he should have been carrying ME over the threshold and not his Heineken! HA! I’m not even sure he remembers this as being an issue but in the moment I was worried it would spoil our perfect day. (hint – it didn’t)

  • Sarah

    Haaaaa. I’m not married yet (6 months!) but I recently had the realization while we were driving 400 miles at 5 AM on Thanksgiving morning in the snow, and fighting, that we’re probably going to be doing this a lot for the next oh, 50+ years, and brushing these things off and/or keeping your mouth shut sometimes is really going to be important. Sometimes I’m just grumpy, or he is, and we’re still learning that it has nothing to do with either of us, and sometimes you really don’t have to talk about it.

  • Shotgun Shirley

    I love this. We are really bad at fighting too, and lately have bring-out-the-worst blow ups pretty regularly, so this resonates. My husband always sweetly says “I’ll fight you the rest of your life” when we’re making up after. We chose a life of squabble together.

  • SChaLA

    Thank you for this. We had our one-month-iversary yesterday, and we also had a big fight (about stuff that’s out of our control–the best kind of fight!), and I felt a lot of the feelings your bring up here. It feels the same, but like there’s more at stake, and also more security. It’s hard to explain when people ask about it.

  • Ah, the familiar anxiety about not letting the memory of a fight “ruin” a significant event. I didn’t fight with my husband on our wedding day, but we have a knack for getting into it right before holidays, and it’s gotten to the point where stress about the timing fight sets in before the fight is even over, and makes it even worse because then I’m twice as pissy, once about whatever the fight is about and again about the timing of it. But, I think a fight is only bad if it feels bad in hindsight, and most of them never do.

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