If we’re being real, writing a maid of honor speech can be… a trip. If you’ve been tapped for this weighty assignment, I can only assume a few things: your girl (or boy) is getting married and you are ready to go all out in support, and you’re probably also combing the Internet for tips on slaying while delivering your wedding speech. And, obviously, you’re all in for the couple in question, right? You love their new spouse the most, right? Wait, no? You’re… hesitating?
Yeah. Sometimes it just happens like that, and today we’re talking about how to write a maid of honor speech when you
hate strongly dislike the person your BFF is about to marry. For ease and clarification purposes, I’m going to assume that your friend is female, and the person you hate strongly dislike is a dude, though I think this advice is applicable across the board, give or take a pronoun here and there. Maybe your wedding speech isn’t going to have everyone in stitches (or be a carefully choreographed display of support and love), because maybe you don’t like this dude like that.
Before we dive in, let me be the person to tell you that, hey, it’s a hundred percent fine if you don’t like your best friend’s fiancé because he’s legitimately a terrible-for-her person. In other words, maybe he’s okay (kind of) for someone, and he’s not dangerous, abusive, or otherwise harmful. This isn’t advice for those scary and terrible situations. This is advice for when your favorite person is about to marry a bro and you just can’t even. If you have to speak about him anyway… well, here are five tips for doing so:
1. just pretend he doesn’t exist: This probably sounds worse than I mean for it to, but I wanted to lead with what I consider to be obvious: you don’t have to mention this dude in your speech if you don’t want to. This is your girl, right? You guys probably have a wealth of experiences and years of fun times that you can draw inspiration from, and there’s truly no reason to say much more than, “… and then she met Seth, who is truly a, um, unique kind of guy” and leave it at that. Toss a smile out, give a cheery nod, and reassign yourself to wine duty for the rest of the evening.
Will your friend notice? Yeah, probably. Well, maybe, depending on how hyped on bubbly and love she is at that point. But assuming that you’ve hung out with the guy more than once and been up front about your feelings, she probably knows how you feel, and she still wants you to give a speech anyway. So have fun, make it about the two of you and your friendship, and toast yourself after, for getting through it. Also, keep in mind that unless she has a good relationship with the groom to begin with, a lot of maids of honor don’t wax poetic for ages about the dude in question. It’s fine.
2. find one thing you like about him and only talk about that: So maybe you can’t imagine just ignoring the guy, and maybe you guys bonded over that one time when he supported Bernie for way too long into the recent U.S. election but ultimately voted for Hillary because of a conversation the two of you had. I mean, we’re all fucked now, but if ever there’s a time for solidarity and good vibes, it’s now in Trump’s America. Also, maybe you don’t know for sure for sure that he really voted for Hillary, and maybe he just told you that so you’d STFU, but I mean… it’s something. Also, you can rag on Trump during your speech and possibly wear a pantsuit while doing so.
3. if everyone knows you doesn’t get along, play it up IN A FUNNY WAY: Let’s say her family and his family and your family will all be at the wedding, or a whole bunch of mutual friends will be, and everyone knows that you and the groom infamously do not jive. Instead of ignoring the obvious, play into it, and make sure you end your speech with something along the lines of how he better treat her well, because you’ll be watching. Because it’s funny, and because it’s… true, and because he’ll know it is and probably knows you mean business. (But ignore the impulse to offer up the number of a friend who is a divorce lawyer, because now is not the time.)
4. say something that sounds nice (but is meaningless): This works best if you’re drinking, and works even better if you’re the kind of tipsy-happy drinker that I am. AKA, after one to two drinks you’re happy to tell everyone how much you like their dress, how great their hair looks, and how you just love them SOOOO much. Since your BFF is highly likely to know if you are or are not this kind of drinker, this matters. If ever there is a time to giddily enthuse about how you love your friend soooo much, you want her to be soooo happy, and you just can’t wait to see what her future holds because it will be soooo special, this is it. Soooo it.
5. talk about when you knew she was falling for him: Okay, so. Barring abusive and manipulative men who need to be voted off the planet, the kind of dude we’re talking about right now is most likely the kind of dude that you could never see yourself with… but for some reason, your BFF, your person!, has decided that he’s the guy for her. And that can suck, a little (or a lot), and even feel like a tiny bit of a personal failure on your part. But the thing is, girlfriend, it’s not about you. Your friend has moved into a new area of life, has made a choice, and is ultimately relying on you to support that choice, even if it makes you feel sick and you’d rather eat like six eggs that smell like sulfur. Even then.
So what do you do, when you want to keep it real but you just can’t? Dig around in the recesses of your mind and recall the day that you realized your friend was serious about this guy. Don’t focus on the sinking feeling you felt in your stomach, but focus on the way her face changed when she spoke about him, how her eyes lit up, or how nervous she was when she asked you to go out with the two of them, and to “try to get along, please.” Recall how excited she was when he came up with a (somewhat, we’re being real) creative Valentine’s Day gift. Remember how excited she was to show you her engagement ring. Think back to the most recent Serious Conversation the two of you had about her relationship, and what she told you then.
And then? Condense that into a speech and deliver the shit out of it. She’ll love you, you’ll love you, and he’ll be scratching his head in a confused way that will probably make you laugh. It’ll be perfection.
have you had to give a maid of honor speech when you hate the groom? What did you say—or what would you say in the situation? What advice do you have for maids of honor who are struggling?