Should I Invite My Mom Even Though She Calls Me a Slut?

AAPW: I'm almost out of high school, and my mom doesn't know that he proposed

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Q: I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year now. We are both eighteen years old. We have been best friends for three years. My mother was supposed to be working late one day and we decided to get frisky. My mom came home early. We practiced safe sex, which she is grateful for, but she hates him. I understand that she is upset. We broke her trust. It has been three months since the incident. She gets mad even hearing his name. About two weeks ago, he proposed. I said yes, but I am five months from graduating high school, and we can’t find a place that we can rent in town so that I can live with him and finish high school. I still have plans to go to the local college, as does he, but how do I tell my mother? The rest of my family loves him. If she keeps up this behavior, should I not invite her to the wedding? We understand we messed up and have both apologized multiple times for it, but she insists on calling me a slut and treating me awfully. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m confused and hurting and it hurts him too. Help us please.

—A Hurt “Slut”

A: Dear AHS,

Hold on now, before you run off and get married. There’s a whole lot to sort here.

First up: your sexual experiences are your own. Your mom is allowed to have expectations for what you do while you’re living in her home. But, other than that, you are only responsible to your own self for what you do with your body. She should not be calling you a slut. Please don’t internalize that message.

There is nothing wrong with waiting for sex, or having specific convictions about when and how you have sex. (Hi, I waited until my wedding night.) But sexual decisions are personal. And in a parent-child relationship, it can get sort of murky when very adult, very personal decisions start to come into play. Your mom is used to being primarily responsible for your safety and well-being, and she’s probably used to that meaning she gets to call the shots. The first several times these personal, adult decisions factor in, it’s always weird and tough, but the legally-an-adult-but-living-with-mom years make it even trickier to navigate. This is when grown-ups on TV specials start yelling, “Not while you’re living under my roof!” She still has some input in how you live your life. But that input should start to be more limited, and it can make these parent folks feel a little desperate (or even say some awful things).

In other words, Mom can be mad if you lied to her and said you weren’t having sex. Mom can be mad if she asked you not to have sex while in her home. But neither of those things makes you a “slut” or gives her the right to call you one, even (especially) as your mom.

Ideally, this all would mean a big chat with Mom. First, clarifying with her that you respect her opinion and love her a ton, but that you feel your choices regarding what you do with your body are personal, and are not up for discussion. This is where she may play that “not in my home” card, which is fine, but the important thing is to make it clear that she has control of what happens in her house, not of what choices you make for your body. There’s a distinction there. Second, you’d want to express that the word “slut” is untrue, unfair, and needlessly hurtful, and that it would be better for your relationship if she chose a different way to express her disappointment. Third, you’d probably let her know that you understand she dislikes your boyfriend, but you’re growing increasingly serious with him, and you hope that she can give him the opportunity to earn her trust the way he has earned yours.

I’ll be a realist. Such a conversation might not happen, and I won’t push for it. Taking a leap from, “Slut!” to a prolonged, civilized discussion may just be way too much for right now. What I will push for, though, is you to get this stuff solid in your head, there. It sounds like you’ve really taken her words to heart, and I wish you wouldn’t have. Start figuring out for yourself—what is a fair, gradual, balanced way to move from “kid” to “adult” in your mom’s eyes? How much of your personal decision-making do you want to loop your mom in on, and where should you start drawing lines and laying boundaries?

While you’re doing all that thinking, also think about why you’re marrying this guy when (yep, here it comes) you’re so young. I swear to you, I’m not on the “too young to marry!” bandwagon, but there are a few pieces of your story that set off my red “rushing! rushing!” flare. Eighteen is young in years, but that doesn’t necessarily mean too young all by itself. You’re also not on a steady path just yet, and neither is he. And because of the surrounding story, I worry that all of this shaming about sex is making you feel pressured to marry him only because you’ve shared this experience. Or, if not because of the sex, because your mom is putting you in the position of “us against the world!” which always makes it feel like your only options are extreme. Also, it’s a pretty good rule of thumb that if you’re not ready to openly tell your parents, “Here is what I’m doing,” concerning a big life choice, then you may not be ready to make that big life choice.

Delay these wedding plans a good long while. Marriage is a big moment with rippling effects. Making this decision right now, in a rush, before trying to sort things with your mom could permanently set the course of your relationship with her (and not in a good way). Besides, you’re still in the beginning phases of figuring out who you are as an individual, apart from your parents. That’s a big, huge thing to do, and takes a bit of time before you can start tying yourself to someone else.

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO ASK APW A QUESTION, PLEASE DON’T BE SHY! IF YOU WOULD PREFER NOT TO BE NAMED, ANONYMOUS QUESTIONS ARE ALSO ACCEPTED. (THOUGH IT REALLY MAKES OUR DAY WHEN YOU COME UP WITH A CLEVER SIGN-OFF!)

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