My ex husband is getting married.
I know that didn’t set off an explosion in your chest like it did in mine when I first heard it, but I’m sure there are a lot of folks out there who know that sinking, world-turned-upside-down, punched in the gut feeling I experienced when I found out. I won’t get into the gory details of how we got from forever to never, but I will say that never in a million years, not up until the very end did I imagine I’d be writing a story like this.
In a time that can be measured in months, not years, he has met, proposed to, and will be married to someone new. And, you guys? I am just a mess about it. I was doing great over here—I’m in a good solid relationship, taking baby steps forward, and thinking about the future again. Now suddenly I’m back in the dark, thinking about what this development means about our marriage and my judgment and all the things I thought I knew. It has shaken my foundation. Again.
There were no big red flags, no relationship disasters, none of the typical issues. One day I woke up and I was married to someone who I didn’t even recognize anymore, and the guy I had known before disappeared without a trace. Maybe it was an early mid-life crisis. Maybe it was the beginning of a huge period of growth that he couldn’t accomplish with me. Maybe he just didn’t like me anymore. I still don’t know.
I wonder if the decade plus we spent together meant a thing to him. I wonder how I could have been either so completely wrong or completely blind about the person I thought I knew best. I wonder if forever is even a thing.
Where do I go from here? Forward is the obvious answer. And I will go forward. One foot in front of the other.
I feel a little like I did in those first days on my own. Where I had to just focus on the small things. Wake up. Get out of bed. Brush teeth. Go to work. Sit in meetings. Go home. Try. Rinse. Repeat. Where I had to just focus on getting from point A to point B with my head down because looking around too much meant hearing a song or seeing a place or a face that just ripped that fresh wound wide open again.
I want to say that I wish them the best, and maybe someday I will. But for right now, I’m just working on A and B.