Q: My fiancé and I have been engaged for about a month and a half, and are getting married in August. The question of an officiant has come up, and while we’ve mostly agreed on everything up until now, we’ve suddenly hit an apparently extremely touchy subject. We both grew up in religious homes, but neither of us is at all religious now. My religious upbringing was particularly negative. We have both talked about religion quite a bit and have similar beliefs, which don’t fit under any organized religion. To me, personally, I find the church and the beliefs of the church hurtful and offensive, and I want no part of it. Until now, it seemed like he agreed with me. However, suddenly he has declared that it’s of the utmost importance that we get married by a real minister, “before God.” I’m frankly flabbergasted. Churches and religion make me incredibly uncomfortable, and the idea of getting married by a pastor who is praying over us and talking about God during our ceremony makes me uncomfortable, angry, and honestly, sick to my stomach.
He has said that his opinion is more valid than mine, because his concern is about feeling for the rest of his life that our marriage wasn’t “real” unless it was officiated by a pastor—for me, he says, I just am concerned about feeling uncomfortable for the thirty minutes of the ceremony itself. I feel like this is totally unfair—I don’t feel like he has the right to pressure me into having a religious ceremony when neither of us is even religious. He feels like it is the traditional thing to do, and that his family has all had church weddings, so he should, too. I have thought about the ceremony I would like for years, and how important it is for me to be married by someone who I know and respect, and who cares about me and my marriage. The matter is complicated even more by the fact that we live across the country from where we are getting married, and won’t have a chance to meet any pastors in that state until the week before our wedding. That means we’d have to pick a pastor we don’t even know, and can’t meet beforehand, to officiate the wedding. I am not sure what to do. Any advice? Am I just being stubborn about this?
Anonymous
A: Dear Anonymous,
Maybe you’re being stubborn. But, not feeling incredibly uncomfortable during your wedding ceremony is a pretty baseline expectation. Then again, so is seeing your marriage as “real”! The fact that you guys differ so vastly, and so vehemently, just underscores how important it is to figure out this religion stuff now. Not because you need to find an officiant—forget about that part for a minute. But because this is a huge question to answer for your marriage as a whole, and it’s obvious you both have very different ideas.
You guys chatted about religion before, but it’s clear you didn’t sort if out as fully as you’d thought. It sounds like he agrees with you on matters of faith, but has divergent ideas about how a church factors in. Moving into marriage, this is major. What else would he insist needs to happen “before God”? How will this play into holidays, holy days, and how you raise children (if you have them)?
Even if you agree to disagree on religion, you need to at least agree on how religion will impact your marriage, and how it’ll be handled in your family. You need to create a framework now so that when these questions arise, you’re ready to handle them.
Deciding whether or not to have a religious ceremony may seem a difficult question to answer. But, like so much else in wedding planning, this one decision will lay some groundwork for the rest of your marriage. Do the hard part now, and (hopefully) you won’t have unexpected fights over how to spend Christmas.
If you would like to ask APW a question please don’t be shy! You can email: askteampractical [at] apracticalwedding [dot] com. If you would prefer to not be named, anonymous questions are also accepted. Though it really makes our day when you come up with a clever sign-off!
