My Bridesmaid Is Pregnant and I’m Envious

How should I deal with this?

Q:While I don’t know how to say this without sounding really overbearing (or totally jealous), I’m having a hard time with the fact that one of my bridesmaids is pregnant. It’s not that I’m upset that she’s pregnant, or worried about any pregnant bridesmaid etiquette; I am just sad that I don’t think she’ll be up for spending time with me those days leading up to it or that evening.

Plus, if I’m honest, I am sad about being reminded of the distance between us physically and our lives looking so different. I’ve been emotionally ready to start a family for years, and my fiancé is only warming up to it now, so there’s that element of wistful envy too. How should I deal with this?

Advice from the editor:
We’re kicking this one to the community in a second, but before we do, our CRO, Maddie had a few thoughts:

“I wanted to take an opportunity to tell you to be kind to yourself. It sounds like the real issue here isn’t that you are having a hard time with your friend’s pregnancy. It’s that you’re punishing yourself for having those feelings. So let the punishment go! It’s hard when your life is in a different place than your friends’ lives. It’s hard when you suddenly come face to face with the fact that your friendships aren’t the same as they were five or ten years ago. Those are all normal feelings, and it’s just as normal to have those feelings coincide with the joy of your weddings. (Because weddings, sadly, do not exist in a vacuum. In fact, these kinds of reckonings often go hand in hand with wedding planning.)

Also, for what it’s worth, I was at my party-heartiest when I was pregnant. Pregnant bridesmaid etiquette wasn’t something I thought about when I shut a friend’s wedding down and had to be dragged off the dance floor by my husband, during the very worst puke-every-day part of my pregnancy. So who knows, maybe your friend will surprise you there. But even if she doesn’t, girl, let yourself feel your feelings.”

what say the rest of you? How should she deal with this?

If you want the APW community’s two cents, send it to QUESTIONS AT APRACTICALWEDDING DOT COM, and we’ll do our best to crowd source you some answers!

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  • Zoya

    Seconding Maddie’s advice to be kind to yourself. I’ve been blindsided by some ugly, intense emotions in response to a friend’s unexpected pregnancy, and it really helped to have someone (in this case, my partner) tell me it was okay and to cut myself some slack.

    • Antonia

      This happened to me, too. Five years later (and I now have a 2-year-old of my own), I’m still guilty of some ugly, intense emotions. No advice, but yeah — been there.

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  • Krate

    In some ways you are in different situations but you are both in the process of creating your families. Maybe there’s a richness to be found as you both walk through transition.

    I had 2 (very) pregnant bridesmaids in my wedding. They were a little less available for bachelorette party activities and I did have to think of things that weren’t super athletic or boozy, but both were there for me and one even hosted a shower.

  • Jenny

    I felt particularly close to my best friends when I was pregnant for the first time. I made special trips to see them when I was pregnant because I was so worried about something changing now that I was having a family. I think there are some physical limitations that might be there (like if you had your heart set on a skydiving bridal shower, she would sit that out). I think it’s likely your friend is having some emotions about it too, and it’s ok to talk to each other about it (your friends right?). Obviously this is different depending on your friendship. I told my best friend who got married to her high school sweatheart that while I was so so so happy for her, there was a part of me that was so sad that she was getting married because things were changing, and I was feeling feelings, and sad that since I wasn’t dating anyone from college it meant that she would never know my husband like I knew hers. And it ended up being a really nice conversation that we still talk about (because things always are changing, and there are lots of I’m sooo soo soo happy, but also sad moments in life). So your feelings are valid, try not to beat up on yourself for having feelings, and if you have a good relationship, maybe you can find a way to talk about how you are feeling.

    • angela

      “sad that since I wasn’t dating anyone from college it meant that she would never know my husband like I knew hers”

      I was just listening to an old mini-podcast this morning (, for anyone interested!) and this really resonated with what I’ve been thinking about all day. I started dating my now-husband since college, and I’m often really grateful that my friends have known him so long, we have all of those shared experiences, etc. But today I’ve been thinking about my friend’s newer significant others and how much I adore them and how it feels like they’ve always been there. I actually often find myself accidentally inserting them into memories from long ago. Same thing goes for my 5-year old nephew. It just doesn’t feel like there was a time when he wasn’t around.

      In some ways, I actually appreciate the newer relationships more, because I don’t take them for granted. I know all of the shit my friends went through to find these wonderful partners and I’m so grateful for them and glad that they’re in all of our lives.

      Anyway, only tangentially related but it’s a thought that’s been buoying my spirits all day.

      • Jenny

        Yeah, I’m not really sad about that now, her wedding was the first wedding of our post college life and it was a big mental shift (even if we’d already moved, and they’d been living together for 3 years post college). And I agree, I love my friends partners who I’ve know since I was 18 and who watched me get drunk for the first time and act like an idiot. But I also really love my friends partners who have only known me as a public health professional/mother/PhD. My husband fits in so well to my college friend group that when he met them all at a wedding, after the weekend was over and we were saying our goodbyes, my boyfriend at the time (now husband) was like bye, it was so nice to meet you, and my best guy friend was like, huh, oh yeah, that’s right we just met this weekend. And then set me an email saying how much he liked my boyfriend and that it seems like he’d been part of the group forever. It’s just until that happened, I couldn’t imagine that being true, I couldn’t imagine my friends loving my partner the way I loved theirs, but I obviously a. didn’t give me friends enough credit, and b. didn’t realize that most of my love for them wasn’t because we’d spent hours and hours together, but because they treated my best friends so well and were so great for them, something you don’t necessarily need hundreds of hours together to see.

        • Lexipedia

          I have similar “friends don’t know him as well” feelings now that we are getting married. We’re getting married in my hometown, but S and I have only been together since I moved away. Combined with the fact I have drifted away from many of my hometown friends, and the fact that he has lived in our current city much longer than I have, the people we are close “couple friends” with here are all his childhood/college/work people and very few of mine. It also doesn’t help that many hometown friends knew *awful college bf* really well and that I lost some of them in the breakup.

          It’s good to hear that your husband meshed well with your friend group! S has done great with the people he’s met so far, but it’s still not quite the same bonding as if we lived in the same city with these people.

      • em

        “Same thing goes for my 5-year old nephew. It just doesn’t feel like there was a time when he wasn’t around.”

        Funny aside that is totally irrelevant to the OP’s question (sorry!). My mother fairly regularly tries to reminisce with me about funny stories… that happened before I was born. (“Oh god remember when my brother played the bagpipes at my wedding? Oh right you were in my uterus at the time”)

    • Lexipedia

      I have similar “friends don’t know him as well” feelings now that we are getting married. We’re getting married in my hometown, but S and I have only been together since I moved away. Combined with the fact I have drifted away from many of my hometown friends, and the fact that he has lived in our current city much longer than I have, the people we are close “couple friends” with here are all his childhood/college/work people and very few of mine. It also doesn’t help that many hometown friends knew *awful college bf* really well and that I lost some of them in the breakup.

      Anyway, I’m working on it, and it’s comforting to hear that your husband has meshed will with a college friend group.

  • Rose

    Agreed on the advice that you shouldn’t be upset with yourself for having feelings about it. As far as feeling sad about the distance between the two of you, would it help if you made sure to make some extra time/effort in doing things that remind you of how you’ve been close? Things that hopefully don’t revolve around the wedding and/or baby. If you’re in the same area, going out to do something that you both enjoy. Or if you’re not nearby, more frequent phone calls, or a visit if you can. I definitely find it much easier to be sad about that kind of thing in the abstract–and then I actually spend time time with/talking to my friends, and realize that we actually still have a lot of the things that bound us together in the first place.

  • sofar

    These feelings are OK! As long as you don’t tell your bridesmaid she’s not doing “enough” in the wedding lead-up.

    • Zoya

      Oh yeah, these are definitely feelings that you’ll need to process on your own, or with the help of people who are decidedly Not Her.

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  • Amy March

    But but nothing bad has happened! You’re worried about something that may not even be an issue. Pregnant ladies don’t get issued a curfew! She might be totally fine to hang out! At least she won’t have a newborn!

    I think yes, be gentle on yourself, but also give yourself a gentle pep talk about not borrowing tomorrow’s problems.

    • Anne

      Came here to say exactly this! As someone who’s currently pregnant, I’m still super excited for all the non-baby-related things coming up in my life, and would be TOTALLY down to do lots of wedding-type stuff for a good friend. I think there’s a cultural assumption that people (especially women) who are preparing to be parents are *only* focused on that life change, and while it’s certainly a big deal, it doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t also be willing/able to do other things. (At least, it had better not mean that, because I definitely have to write two more chapters of my dissertation before I take a break to have a baby…)

    • sage

      Yes! One of my bridesmaids will be 8 months pregnant with her first child at my wedding. I told her from the beginning that she should do whatever she and her doctor are comfortable with and kind of expected she wouldn’t be able to make the cross-country trip for the wedding. But here we are a week away and she’s planning to be here for everything!

  • PeaceIsTheWay

    My maid of honor was 8 months pregnant at our wedding and her 2 year old was our flower girl… being pregnant was nothing compared to wrangling a toddler:). Kids notwithstanding, my MOH (who is amazing) was central both to the lead up and during the weekend itself! She hosted the shower, organized the girls’ night out, gave the most beautiful toast, and listened enthusiastically to my plans for the wedding. So definitely DON’T count your bridesmaid out… but DO ask how you can make things easier for her! Maybe she could use a ride somewhere everyone else is walking to, or maybe she’d love a chair during the ceremony. Congrats to you both!

  • Abs

    I think a key to not beating yourself up about these feelings is recognizing that they are actually about you, not her. Feeling sad that your friend is pregnant sounds like something you might feel guilty about. Feeling sad that you yourself aren’t yet in a place to have kids, even though you feel ready? So clearly not something to feel guilty about.

    I also have trouble with this–when someone else’s joy creates a lens that magnifies one of my own anxieties, it’s hard for me to recognize that the thing I’m seeing through that lens has nothing to do with them. It seems like you’re really self-aware about what your feelings are, so let that be a way for you to be kind to yourself.

  • Candice

    My best friend asked me to be the MOH in her wedding and 6 months later I quite unexpectedly became pregnant with #3. I’m due exactly 2 months before the wedding and let me tell you from the other side, your bridesmaid is probably feeling all the feelings about it too. Coming to terms with limitations in your ability to do ALL THE THINGS for your bff at such an important time in her life is HARD.

  • super anon for this

    Slight hi-jack: What about when your new mom bridesmaid kind of disappointed you, even though you feel awful to even say that? Am I being reasonable?

    I know I should be glad that my new mom friend even showed up, but I felt like she was really distant. She has a 9 month old and the bulk of my engagement was during the really crucial early months. Which I understood when she couldn’t make my bachelorette – she had a 1 month old! But she didn’t even send a text that night to wish us well. And then whenever my MOH would have big group texts, she’d never participate. She’d only respond if I directly reached out to her. She also didn’t chip in towards my shower and never responded to my MOH asking her if she was going to. (Though she did show up for the shower, and it was a 5+ hour long drive, and her baby wasn’t invited…I get it, I should be grateful for that and I really was…)

    And then on the wedding weekend, she seemed really distracted and lost in her phone texting her husband about the baby. She talked about her baby nonstop at my rehearsal dinner too. I guess the baby was having a hard time (baby and husband were in the hotel) which I feel for her, but I also felt like she kind of ignored me to an extent and couldn’t have any fun. She kept refusing drinks even though she originally told me that she pumped specifically so she could drink with us. She was great during the photos, ceremony, and first part of the reception, but then she ended up leaving early from the reception after everything, telling me she had to get back to her kid.

    I know I sound like a brat, but I was really disappointed and feel like I’ve lost a friend. Is this normal for a new mom? Or are my expectations totally out of whack?

    • KitBee

      First of all, I totally sympathize with you. It’s hard when a good friend isn’t there for you in the way you hoped she’d be — especially in the context of your wedding! Maybe you were super excited and supportive and went the extra mile for her when she got married, and you thought she’d do the same for you. It’s not fair, and your disappointment is very understandable.

      But. The reality is that your friend is caring for a tiny human that she has to keep alive, plus dealing with the various stressors that babies bring (no sleep, no alone time, chafing nipples from breastfeeding or whatever else). It sounds to me like she is doing the best she can for you right now. She skipped the bachelorette but came to the shower (sans baby!). She came to your photos, ceremony, and part of the reception (again sans baby!).

      My point is, I don’t think you should view your friend’s behavior as evidence that this friendship is over. She’s juggling a lot of competing priorities right now, as we all do at times, but I’m guessing she still cherishes your friendship. My advice to you (not that you asked for it, but bear with me) is to make a special effort to reach out to her. Ask her how the baby’s doing. Ask her how SHE’s doing. Friendships (like relationships) should generally be reciprocal, but sometimes one person has to put in a little more effort than the other. I think this may be one of the times when the extra effort falls on you.

      • Amy March

        Yeah agreed. She wasn’t perfect but sounds like she really tried!

    • ManderGimlet

      This is super super normal for a new mom and I will guarantee she felt like a big lame blob too. She came because she wanted to have a great time and support you, but 9 months (and a first baby) is such a short amount of time. The amount of terror and uncertainty that grips new parents can’t be understated. This isn’t to discount your feelings, it is really hard to see such a harsh shift in your friendship and during such a big moment you want your friend there with you. Expectations are also hard to manage with first-time parents because they will promise you the world but not be able to deliver. It’s not selfishness, it’s outsized assumption of their own capabilities (no one wants to be the Neurotic New Mom).

      That said: this will pass. She and her husband will become more confident as parents, their kids will grow and become much more self-sufficient, and your friend will feel more like a whole person with thoughts other than breastfeeding and crib liners. And then soon you too will have your time of being a disappointing friend who isn’t that much fun! But your friend will understand and can support you with her experience and you can build on these changes together. You haven’t lost your friend. In fact, she needs you more than ever but in a way neither of you have experienced before.

    • AmandaBee

      I fully understand why you’re disappointed but TBH, yes, your expectations are unreasonable. She sounds like she’s doing what she can – and she’s actually doing quite a bit. A 5 hr drive for a baby-free shower + baby-free wedding is a lot to ask for a new mom, especially one who is still breastfeeding. Give her some slack.

      • Jan

        I kind of agree. Like, I wouldn’t drive 5 hours for a wedding shower and I’m neither pregnant nor a new mom. Unless I was the one planning it.

    • Shannon

      Yup, you’re being unreasonable. Your friend showed up for you in a major way: leaving her infant for a bridal shower 5 hours away (which means she either had to pump for an overnight or drive 10 hours in one day) and then spending the time and money to attend a wedding where her husband and baby were stuck in a hotel the whole time. But the icing on the cake is you being annoyed at her for not drinking!? When she’s breastfeeding!? You might want to sit back for a minute and reflect on how that makes you look, because from where I stand you’re coming off as the Bad Guy in this narrative. I think you owe your friend an apology and a serious thank you.

      • CMT

        Whoa, it’s not like she expressed any of this to her friend. It’s fine to feel what you feel, there’s no need to shit on OP here for that. She didn’t do anything wrong to apologize for.

      • M

        I think feelings are feelings, and having complicated feelings doesn’t make someone “a bad guy.” This girl gets to feel her feelings and be disappointed. Full stop. Yes she could be more self aware and reflect, but having feelings (even if somewhat irrational) does not a bad guy make. ALSO: to the original poster: I know what it’s like to feel disappointed by friends who became moms and who you moved mountains for who don’t show up in the same way. It sucks. So while I do think maybe a new expectation has to be set for your own mental health, don’t feel bad for having feelings. Just keep processing them and looking at them through all lenses and give it time.

        • Violet

          Plus, she is already being self aware and reflecting by asking this as a question!

          • Eenie

            And ended the post with “I know I sound like a brat!”

    • Natalie

      This sounds pretty normal for a new mom. There are a TON of hormones still affecting a mom of a 9-month-old, especially if she’s still breastfeeding. Those hormones hijack the brain so it’s hard for her to focus on anything other than the baby for long periods of time.

      I once helped interview a woman for a professor job who had recently had a baby, and all she could talk about on her job interview was her baby. No matter the question asked or the topic being discussed, she’d somehow turn the conversation to her baby (spoiler: the prof job was not for a position researching child development or neonatal health or anything else baby-related). The experience made me realize just how much being a new mom affects the brain.

      As for not reaching out the night of your bachelorette, and not participating in group texts, remember how much sleep the average mom of a newborn gets per night (3 hours!). That soon after the baby is born, it’s all new parents can do to keep everyone alive and fed. Texting about bachelorette parties she can’t attend or planning events or chatting about flowers just aren’t things at the top of her priority list when she’s seriously sleep-deprived and just barely keeping it all together.

      • Amy March

        Eh I disagree. I think that person was unprofessional and lots of new moms can perfectly well handle a job interview without talker by about their baby constantly.

        • Natalie

          Oh, yeah, she was definitely unprofessional and totally did not deserve the job after that. But I’m pretty sure she didn’t go into that interview planning to talk about her baby incessantly, just as the poster’s friend probably did not intend to be thinking about her baby all wedding weekend.

    • Violet

      You’re not a brat. But it might help you to hear this as an example. For reference, my son turned two months a few days ago. The other day I literally had to ask my partner what month it was. As in, January. Yeah. So no way would I remember to text a friend on the night of an event I wasn’t going to. Sorry your friend couldn’t be there for you in the way you wanted, but I’m 99.9% sure it’s that she *couldn’t* be there, not that she *didn’t want* to be there. : (

    • Yikes

      Oh boy. I’m a new mom who went though major difficulties during the first four months of motherhood. This comment bothers me and triggers me in ways I cannot even begin to describe. New moms deserve grace and kindness. Also, who cares if she couldn’t drink? Breastfeeding and pumping is so intense, adding drinking into the equation is really hard for some. Yikes, I better go before I say more.

      • Trinity

        Same. I also kept thinking, “This mom might have been dealing with PPD, which makes all that she DID do that much more applause-worthy.”

        • Yikes

          Yes!!!! I was referring to very severe PPD that I experienced and I literally couldn’t be even shower, let alone do even ONE of the things this new mama did!

      • rg223

        Also, she went probably went through 9 plus months of no drinking. For me at least, it took a long time to get back into drinking my usual levels and not being drunk after half a glass, having headaches after drinking, all-day hangovers, etc. I don’t blame her for possibly needing time to adjust.

        • Eh

          Drinking in general is a personal thing, but having kids adds another layer. My daughter was about 20 months old when I was a bridesmaid at my friend’s wedding. The night of her bachelorette and the night of her wedding, my daughter stayed with my dad and step-mom. They live an hour from where the bachelorette and wedding were held (for the bachelorette, my husband was working 8 hours away). If something happened and my daughter needed me, I needed to be in a condition to get to her. I did drink a bit both nights, I did not drink the way I would have before I had kids.

        • laddibugg

          I’ve had probably 2 drinks in the 21 months since my son was born. And those were two foks shoved in my face. I just don’t think about it anymore.

          • Amy March

            Yah it’s always ok to not drink. Unreasonable to expect your friends to get wasted for your wedding!

    • rg223

      I won’t speak for every parent, but for me, the entire first year of my son’s life was completely focused on survival alone. I threw him a huge first birthday party because, hurray, we are all still alive! I had a couple friends get married in that time, and my level of showing up for them is similar to how much your friend showed up for you. So, this is completely normal, and please don’t take it personally! Like others have said, this is a time, unfortunately for you to reach out to her more than the other way around. I really needed friends to reach out to me during that time – because it was really beyond my ability to reach out to them.

    • Jenny

      I was a bridesmaid for my very very best high school friend when I was a new mom. I traveled cross-country sans baby for a west coast bachelorette weekend (money is often extra tight with a newborns since you may have 2000+ dollars in new expenses per month between day care and health insurance). I then traveled with baby and my mom (babysitter) for the wedding when my baby was 9 months old. For the bachelorette party I hadn’t slept more than 4 consecutive hours in 6 months, I was on east coast time and pumping, so I couldn’t drink much, mostly because I was sooooo tired. I still needed to pump, so had to haul my pumping stuff cross country, and on our all day trips. I went to bed at 10 (1am my body time) and woke up to pump, and still woke up early because east coast time. I tried to stay up, I wanted to, but I couldn’t. We stayed out til close to midnight one night and I was sooooooooooooo tired, and knew I was going home to a place I would never be able to catch up on sleep the way I used to be able to pre baby (because my husband had no one to take turns with in the middle of the night). By the the wedding rolled around, I was slightly more well rested, but the time change meant that I woke up at 3 am with my infant… for the day (he was normally a 6 am waker, but time change). It also meant he went to bed for the night at 4 pm. So I couldn’t stay the night int he hotel with the other bridesmaids because I couldn’t let my mom have to wake up at 3am when she was watching him mostly the whole weekend. I stayed and shut down the dance floor. There are exactly 4 people in the world I would have done this for. I’m glad I was able to, I would have been crushed to not be able to participate, but it was honestly SOOOOOOOOO much work. I think you have to cut your friend a break. It’s ok to be sad that things couldn’t work out the way you’d dreamed, but being disappointed in her seems harsh. From my perspective she made a herculean effort to be there for you. Also at 1month post partum, I was going to bed at 6pm, and crying every night at 5:30 because I was so tired, and I didn’t know when I was ever going to feel like me again. I couldn’t even remember how to pay for groceries at the store, there is just no way I wouldn’t have even thought to send a text message.

    • Another Meg

      I agree with the comments about this being new mom normal. Just wanted to add an example about how hard it is to keep up with the world as a new parent.

      My (local) baby shower was six weeks after a friend adopted a newborn. She didn’t show up because she thought it was the next week. She was just so tired.

      I bet she wished she could be there for you 110% but had to prioritize her family and sanity.

      I think you’re doing the right thing in venting here and getting the new mom perspective from us instead of telling your friend.

      It’s not going to be the last time your friendship goes through a strain due to big life changes, and we’re always here to listen.

      • laddibugg

        Caring for a tiny human is exhausting! And if she took time off from work I’m not surprised….your days, hours and minutes sort of run together during the first few weeks.

        • Another Meg

          Agreed. She was super apologetic but I wasn’t upset. I still wanted to see her and meet the squish, so I came over after the shower and watched the baby so she could bake cookies and we chatted. It was really nice. And it felt good to feel competent caring for a newborn when I was scared shitless about becoming a mom.

    • Kathy

      Sorry, anon, I am going to be harsh. You are entitled to have feelings about the way your friend behaved, but I think your feelings should be of immense gratitude and not annoyance. Your friend who you love enough to invite her to be your bridesmaid made several efforts to be present at several of your wedding celebrations, in spite of having a newborn baby. You are old enough to understand the implications of having a baby, and several people here explained them better than I would. Your relationship will be different because of the baby, but it won’t be necessarily worse, in fact these changes can help your friendship to mature in a beautiful way. Please appreciate your friend’s sacrifices and reciprocate them for the sake of your friendship.

  • pdxatheart

    Hard agree with it being hard to to see people’s lives in a different place than your own. I just got married at 33, and I get it! While you should deal with these emotions privately, you absolutely should be kind to yourself and let yourself feel them.
    For what it’s worth, one of my best friends couldn’t attend my wedding because it was close to her due date and would have involved a flight. She MAJORLY showed up for me, hosting my bachelorette in her city, arranging child care for her kids so she could be away the whole weekend, and making all of the arrangements for us to drive into the mountains and stay in an amazing AirBnb. She was right there with the rest of us talking until 3am. at 37 weeks pregnant! +1 on Maddie’s personal anecdote :)

  • ManderGimlet

    Girl, I get it! I am almost 40 getting married for the first time and things just don’t match with the what the catalog is selling! Seriously, just let yourself have those feelings (privately!) and remind yourself that it’s nobody’s fault. There is so little representation of brides who aren’t in their early 20s with a gaggle of always-available and enthusiastic friends and it suuuuuucks! You feel upset and angry but then foolish and childish and all the besties you normally vent to aren’t an option because basically you are venting about them!

    I agree that you gotta lean into it, feel all the feelings…but then make an action plan! Your wedding is special and important, but it’s not the last day of your friendship. Express to her how much you miss her and how you’re scared at how your dynamic is changing, I bet she is feeling some major feels too. This is a great opportunity to see this relationship develop in a whole new way, to be even deeper and more meaningful than you ever thought possible, even if it doesn’t look the way you imagined. You are going through some big events and changes and making some major decisions. Give yourself space to feel all that bad, nasty stuff and work through it. Be patient and kind to yourself, and your friend, and work together to find creative ways that will allow you to bond before your wedding. Your wedding is just one day, but your friend can help and support and love you through the rest of your marriage and the family you build along the way.

  • Karen

    Girl, try adding infertility into the mix and then talk about envy. Or when the other person’s pregnancy is accidental. Or when the other person is almost 40 and still manages to get pregnant naturally, have a miscarriage, get pregnant naturally again, have a healthy pregnancy and baby that turns one (and doesn’t invite anyone to the birthday party) and you’re STILL not pregnant. All this to say: as much as it sucks, you’re only just scratching the surface of how much it can suck that other people are pregnant and not you.

    • M

      “Still manages to… have a miscarriage.” Not a great line. Yes, infertility sucks, but so does miscarriage, even if you get pregnant again after.

      • Karen

        I’ve had two miscarriages. I retain the right to say that.

        • M

          All I can say is that as a reader with their own set of unique experiences regarding infertility/infant loss/miscarriage reading that sentence was very hurtful. But hey, you feel how you feel.

          • Karen

            You find my *sentence* hurtful? I’m venting *my* hurt at this person, who was my closest friend here, cutting me out of her life after she had her baby.

    • CMT

      I don’t think it’s particularly helpful to tell somebody who’s hurting to be grateful because it could be worse.

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  • Another Meg

    I have two things besides the fact that Maddie is spot-on. Also sorry, this turned out to be long.

    1) I was where you are about four years ago. It sucked when I was ready to take that step to grow my family and my partner wasn’t. It sucked harder to watch friends taking that step when I couldn’t.

    Be kind to yourself, and keep in mind that this feeling may pass as other things in your life start to shake out. Focusing on your wedding and building your marriage can help. It helped for me. Then life picked up speed and while my heart was ready, my brain knew that my family was not. By the time my husband was ready to go off birth control, I had been ready, then not, about 10 times.

    2) About your friend’s ability to experience your wedding the way you hope – Every pregnancy is different, and honestly it’s probably best to assume she’s not going to shut down the dance floor with you. However. I had an awesome time at a friend’s wedding when I was five months pregnant. I was with a friend who had an awesome time, too, at seven months pregnant. She danced so damn hard she had Braxton-Hicks at the end of the night. (Didn’t bother her much, not her first pregnancy and we were putting on our coats to go anyway.)

    I do have one idea that might make your wedding more fun for her – besides making sure she has a seat with a good view of the dance floor in case she needs to put up her feet for a sec, maybe ask her if she has any non-alcoholic beverage preferences. I missed beer so bad. And wine. The open bar at the reception made it worse.

    If this is her first, she’s probably still exploring her options. If you’re doing things with her where everyone’s drinking and she’s a little sad about it, fun NA drinks to try might make her day. If she doesn’t have preferences yet, doing a taste test of what’s out there is super fun, and then having her fave for her at the reception is a REALLY nice gesture.*

    (*And if she is down with having a glass of regular wine or a beer, it’s ok. If she doesn’t want anything, including NA or alcohol-free options, it’s ok. There’s no 100% correct way to do that, in my opinion. It’s between her and her doctor.)

    Here is a pic of her, five months pregnant with her first, rocking it out at my wedding:

    • Zoya

      Yes to having non-booze options available! My husband introduced me to the concept of “equally attractive non-alcoholic beverages,” and now I’m a zealot about having those available at any party we throw. Part of the reason we decided on a mimosa bar for our wedding was that the juice mixers make very nice EANABs (guava juice, hello!).

      • Another Meg

        Oh hell yes to juice! I’d peruse a cocktail menu to see if they used any fun juices and have that mixed with club soda. Soooo goood.

  • K

    I also absolutely had this concern – my bestie was my MOH, and was pregnant through my engagement, across the country, and had a six month old for our wedding. She was a little bit AWOL for the planning, and I was sad about that. But honestly? Though I never mentioned it out loud, she knew it, she was sad about it too, and the second she got into town for the wedding, she STEPPED UP. All the way. She was 100% present, wonderful, helped with everything, saved me from the stupid coordinator drama, and had a blast with us. And since her baby (who I hadn’t even met previously) was the only kid at our wedding, the baby was there for everything. And it was FINE. Better than fine – fabulous. That tiny child partied just as hard (appropriate to age) as any other guest, and it made me absolutely fall in love with the kid, and realize that though my BFF is now a mom and our conversation topics have changed a bit, she’s still my best friend and her child is equally awesome.

    Have faith in your friends. They don’t stop being awesome just because they start procreating. Sometimes they just come along with a little extra awesome.