WHAT DOES THE ENGAGEMENT RING MEAN TO YOU?

It turns out that engagement rings mean very different things to different people.  Sometimes the distinctions are nuanced, and sometimes they’re glaringly obvious.

Different people describe their engagement rings as symbolic of:

• The moment at which a couple decided to get married
• The engagement period
• Their relationship with their partner
• Their partner him- or herself
• Their own taste and personal image

The engagement ring also carries a lot of other baggage. For example,

• More than a few people see an engagement ring as proof of their own loveability.
• For other people, the engagement ring that they present is an indication of their ability to contribute (financially or otherwise) to a partnership, or to provide for their partner.
• Some folks see the engagement ring as involving a larger family (either their own family of origin or their partner’s), or of their cultural heritage.
• Lots of other people disapprove of the engagement ring tradition altogether, or participate only when both partners have an engagement ring.

The engagement ring is a big deal because:

• The ring reflects the personal style and values of the wearer, far more (and for a longer period of time) than those of the giver.
• The person wearing the ring will have that ring in her (or his) peripheral vision for most of her (or his) waking hours.  It gets a lot of use (psychic and physical).

WHAT DOES THE WEDDING BAND MEAN TO YOU?

Just as with engagement rings, wedding bands can mean different things to different folks.  Here are some perspectives that might be of use to you:

• What do you consider to be your options with respect to the wedding ring?
• A ring is not a requirement for a legal marriage. It seems that most American couples marrying don’t consider wedding bands to be an optional item; they seem to have a sort of bread-and-butter quality to them. Some people feel their marriage is a private matter, while others think of marriage as participation in a public institution.  As you might imagine, this affects the question of whether to wear a wedding ring at all.
• Some people view the wearing of a wedding band by a married person as completely voluntary, others believe it to be nearly compulsory, as a way of communicating clearly to others availability for romantic relationships.
• Is the wedding ring representative of your relationship, or of your partner, or is it a reminder of your wedding ceremony?
• Who acquires the ring?  Is each ring a gift from one partner to the other?  Or are the rings purchased by the couple as a joint expense?

COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR PARTNER ABOUT RINGS

Communication between partners about rings is mainly an issue with engagement rings, but that doesn’t mean talking about wedding bands is sure to be a walk in the park, either. Some obstacles to communicating about engagement rings are:

• A person’s own uncertainty as to what they want or believe about engagement rings
• The pressure of one partner to prove himself with a ring of sufficient value.
• The fear of pressuring a partner into marriage by discussing rings
• A sense of shame for wanting something superfluous, or for caring about a luxury item
• Difficulty talking about money
• Difficulty distancing oneself from the expected (and commercially-supported) engagement ring paradigm
• Educating one partner or the other about personal and cultural expectations for the engagement ring
• The notion that perhaps it’s the giver’s prerogative what to give, and the receiver shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
• The problem that the person wearing the ring will often have the best idea of what is ideal, but is frequently excluded from the ring selection process.
• The notion that if the giver “really knows” the recipient, he’ll know just the right ring to get.
• The expectation of surprise, and the difficulty of communicating around a surprise (TIP: if a surprise is important to one or both of you, the surprise doesn’t have to include the ring design.  The surprise can be the timing of the proposal (preceded by ring selection), or the very idea of getting married (with ring selection later), or it can be a surprise of a ring among a group of rings pre-selected by the recipient.)

WHO IS THE RING FOR?

Just as there are lots of ways of thinking about the meaning of the engagement and wedding rings, there are lots of different understandings of who the ring is for.  Of course, the answer could be any or all of these:

• Is the ring for you?
• Is the ring you wear for your partner?  A way for your partner to demonstrate commitment or dedication or status or some other sentiment?
• Is the ring for your family?  A focal point for family to celebrate around?  Or a way of proving your seriousness to your family?
• Is your ring for friends and colleagues?  A sort of membership badge in a community of like-minded people or people in similar stations in life?
• Is the ring for outsiders?  To fend off unwanted attention, to demonstrate your social standing, as fulfillment of an obligation to show your unavailability?
• Do you believe that you can be engaged without an engagement ring, or is it the engagement ring that really cements the fact that you are engaged?

GETTING THE RING!

So, how to go about actually getting this ring? Because the ring is largely symbolic, the WAY in which you obtain the ring can be really important.

• Do you care about what materials are used?  Some people really need a diamond, some people are ok with any clear stone.  Some people wouldn’t want to be caught dead wearing anything that looked like a diamond, and some people are ok with a diamond only under certain conditions.
• Do you care where the ring was acquired?  Is it important that the ring be new?  Or would you prefer a ring that has some history to it?  Does a family ring make sense for you, or carry too much baggage?
• Do you want the ring to feel completely unique to you, or to reference a larger cultural tradition?
• If you or your partner are purchasing a ring, what kind of store would you like it to come from?  Some people would prefer an old stalwart or a no-nonsense purveyor (say, Sears).  Some have been looking forward to a classy in-person experience at a local jewelry store.  Others enjoy the off-beat feel of a small shop or online store.
• In any case, how an item of important symbolism comes into your possession has a lot to do with how you think of it and value it.

LOGISTICS

Timing: Once you know that you want a ring for a particular time, don’t delay in ordering it.  Sometimes you can walk into a jewelry store and walk out with your wedding ring the same day.  But getting an engagement or wedding ring can take longer than you might expect, especially if you have specific criteria.  If a ring is being made just for you, it can take up to a month to be ready, or even more in cases of custom design.

Sizing: If you’re ordering online or having a ring made for you, make sure you’ve carefully nailed down your ring size.  Ring sizes are unisex, and mercifully uniform (unlike clothing sizes).

To find your ring size, you can use a printable ring sizer like this one, or a jeweler making your ring will have a ring sizing tool.  You should keep in mind that a wider band will be more “squeezy” than a narrower band, so make sure you use a ring sizer that’s similar in width to the ring you’re ordering.