I’ve always prided myself on being good, giving, and game in relationships. Sex between consenting adults is rad, and no matter if folks are into fluffies or bondage or humiliation or missionary… my philosophy since I was really young was always #youdoyou.
But no matter how sex-positive I was, there wasn’t anything that could prepare me for the first major “we need to have more sex” talk. I was nineteen, in finals mode, working weekends, underslept, and feeling about as sexy as dirty rag. My partner was underemployed, and had lots of time twiddle his thumbs and contemplate his dissatisfaction. Mid-fight, I managed to ask: “What do you want? Good quality sex once or twice a week—or mediocre sex four to five times a week?”
I said it less as a real question, more as a rhetorical “you can’t have everything” reality check. But he answered. “Mediocre sex four to five times a week.” It was then I realized my version of consistent boning and his were not even in the same ballpark.
The truth is that sexual frequency is complicated. In fact, I’ve had sex lulls happen with lovers for a variety of reasons. Sometimes the reasoning is no big deal—a yeast infection or annoying days at work. However, more often than not, the disruptions were heavier: from worries over sick relatives, to triggered survivors (get two women together and the odds are pretty high), to endometriosis. And sometimes, the situations were more ominous—where the fizzling was signaling the end of the relationship.
Still, even as someone who seriously prioritizes sexy-times, stories of long-term couples that still get it on almost every day seem as attainable as having a pet unicorn. How could they even find the time, energy, etc.? And is that expected? What’s normal? Thankfully, I’m not the only person in the history of ever to be curious about how often other people get freaky. There’s plenty of anecdotal stories and widespread surveys about the sex lives of people queer and straight.
The part I think a lot of “studies” miss, though, is the ebb and flow. While I’m totally excited to talk about ideal sex drive to reality scenarios (seriously, let’s have a kiki), what gets left out of the conversations is how that shifts through time. How is the sexual frequency after ten years of marriage versus twenty, when kids are younger versus older, when you start a job versus when you’re in a management position? How does, ahem, life change both desires, and your ability to act on them?
So, APW, it’s time to get anon (or not) and give us the #Tea. Do you like to get it on every day, every week, whenever you get around to it? Where did your relationship start and where are you now? What’s affected you the most: your cycle, kids, jobs, Enthusiasm, mental health? Let’s get down to Frisky business.
