Do You Still Talk About Sex with Your Friends?

Married sex is hard to... discuss?

friends talking together

There are some things I knew I’d miss when I grew up and got married (which was always somewhere in my hazy future plans). I knew I’d miss sleeping alone, spread-eagle on a queen-size bed (check). I knew I’d miss having my own room (check). I knew I’d miss nights out with my friends whenever I felt like it (check).

But it turns out there were a few things I didn’t see coming about my particular brand of adult life. I didn’t realize just how much I’d miss the lazy weekend mimosa brunch after we had kids. (Sometimes when I look at people having an 11 a.m. relaxing brunch, it feels like I’m looking at another planet.) But most of all, I didn’t realize just how much I’d miss talking about sex.

As a teen and twenty-something, talking about sex was a pretty routine part of my friendships with girls. Hell, it was a pretty routine part of my friendships with guys, though in a less earnest and more joking way. But as we were all feeling out our sexuality, and sexual expression, discussing it was just a natural part of conversation.

But then something shifted. I got married, and more and more of my friends were also part of established couples. And suddenly, gossip about our sex life no longer seemed to be an appropriate part of the conversation, and I’m not exactly sure why. Maybe there is a societal taboo about talking about married sex. Maybe it’s that you don’t want to know about the sex life of your friend’s spouse, who you see on play dates. Or maybe it’s the knowledge that marriage is our primary relationship, and hence the most protected. Or, hell… maybe people are just not having such interesting sex these days? (God knows with two tiny children, getting any at all can feel like an uphill battle waged by the exhausted.)

In short, I don’t really know why it happened. But it’s undoubtedly true that I almost never get involved in the slightly scandalous, “Wait, who did what, when?” and “OMG, you tried what?” conversations that filled more than a decade of my young life. And I miss it. Those eyebrow-raising whispered conversations are fun, and bonding. They’re also funny, and sometimes push me to try something new.

But this is grown-up life, I guess. Or is it? Does it have to be?

Do you guys talk to your friends about YOUR married sex life? If so, how do you bring it up? If not, do you miss it? What conversations do you wish you were having?

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