The Complicated, Cultural Path To Getting My Mother To Accept My Fiancé

She hates the very idea of him

I have five months until my wedding in May. The major logistical items and vendors have all been booked, and my friends often tell me how incredibly organized I am. “You make it look so easy!” they say (which it wasn’t). But by far the hardest and most horrible tasks, as we all know, are the emotional ones. And one of those tasks was to get my mother to meet my partner, when she hated the very idea of him.

My family immigrated to Australia from South Korea when I was four years old, and although my home life was quite Asian, my external social life and education has been Western. I am incredibly proud of my heritage and also very appreciative of my adopted nationality. I was the eldest daughter growing up, ever reminded that I was the “majeh” (head of my family’s generation), as my father, who was the first born son in his family, had no sons of his own.

As an early first immigrant, there were high parental expectations of me—to act as a majeh would, to prove to our relatives that my parents’ decision to emigrate was a good one, to be a role model to my sister and the other Korean kids in the small but growing community in our town (I was one of the oldest kids in it). In addition, although I didn’t know it at the time, I had what could now be described as a “Tiger Mother.”

I am thankful to my Tiger Mother for much that I’ve achieved and learnt in my youth. But letting go of her control to let me make decisions that she doesn’t agree with in my adulthood has been hugely traumatic. One of those is my apparently unacceptable choice of life partner. It has involved screaming matches that ended up in her driving from my home to her home three hundred kilometers away, nonstop, probably speeding, at midnight. It involved threats to leave the entire extended family and disappear alone indefinitely somewhere in Korea, as the shame would be so fierce that it could not be faced. The peak ended up in me breaking up with my boyfriend. The production of tears and raised voices throughout this time shocked those who knew me as a calm, strong person who never cried or got aggressive.

Her largest objection was not specifically cultural. She felt that as a doctor, I would be most well suited to marrying another doctor, and he was not. The problem was, traditionally Korean elders’ opinions are greatly respected to the point of personal sacrifice (there are many Korean TV dramas whose story lines are based on a couple who have parental/majeh objections, and cannot live happily ever after unless they “earn” their blessing). She firmly believed that my life was doomed to be horrible because I had chosen a partner who probably earned less than me (he doesn’t), who was not ambitious because he wasn’t in an “academic” field (he is), and was in a risky career (that may be so in the business sector, but medical jobs are not guaranteed, either). She didn’t want to give any encouragement on her part by talking about him or meeting him, so there was never adequate opportunity to change her beliefs of him. (My father, who is a gentle Zen soul, tried a few times but generally supported me quietly.) On my part, my own beliefs made me push too hard for her approval. Marriage to me was a joining of two families, not two people and I thought if I couldn’t get her to acquiesce, I couldn’t marry this man. So I tried, over and over, causing family rifts and conflict as I went. At the same time I was dealing with my own concerns, which included cultural elements such as the fear that I might “lose” some of my Koreanness. I wondered how I would raise my children to know and love their Korean heritage, how we were going to approach my mostly non-English speaking relatives when we went to visit them, and whether they would accept us as I was the first in the extended family to marry a non-Korean.

When I got back together with my boyfriend, it was tentative but with more clarity. I had had months to decide that this particular sacrifice “for my family” was not worth it to me, and he had realized that he would prefer to tackle the issues with me rather than give me up. We made a plan. I liaised with a therapist. We took it step by step, and dialed back on the expectations. I was grateful for any progress we made, and accepting of the things I could not get now, but hopeful that they may come in the future.

It has taken a lot of courage and patience, but these are the incredible things that have happened so far, that I never thought would happen when I got engaged seven months ago, when only my dad quietly congratulated me when I told them. My parents agreed to be at my wedding! I’m even going to have some relatives there! My mother bought me a hairpiece, and shopped with me for jewelry. We went to Korea (she insisted I go before I get married) and bought a hanbok (traditional dress) for her and myself to wear at my wedding.

What we won’t have is a paebaek (Korean ceremony) or a full rehearsal meal, because my mother’s not keen to come to anything other than the wedding. I have organized most of it without her. I’ve been sending her wedding requests and information in small chunks and carefully controlled my responses. Sometimes it’s stifling because I can’t be as excited with her as I’d like, and I have to monitor my side of the conversation to limit mentioning my fiancé. But what I have gained so far is completely worth my efforts. And I still have hope. I hope that she will meet my soon-to-be-husband and that his reality will one day overcome some of her fears.

Featured Sponsored Content

  • Ali

    Family can be so difficult. If you do whatever feels most authentic and right for you, I believe you will find a way.
    You look so beautiful in your dress. :)

  • Lisa

    This is all so hard. It sounds as though you are navigating it well. I wanted to point you to two diverse pieces of media, which you may know already, but might be be a nice source of knowing you aren’t alone. First, a blog called Angry Asian Man. Second, believe it or not, an episode of Anthony Bourdain’s food show on Korean food and Koreatown in Los Angeles. I hope you have a wonderful wedding and wish you many years of happiness in your marriage.

  • Amy

    I can’t even imagine the strength it must have taken to accomplish what you have in navigating this time with your family and working to create your own baby family. You are an incredible woman.

  • js

    Your mother must know my Mother-In-Law. The hoops I had to jump through to win her approval were emotionally exhausting and left lasting scars. Things did finally get easier for me once we were married but its hard to know that there is no respect given to the seven years we have been together by her, only the year we’ve been married. The thing I wish I was brave enough to say to her is, if he loves me, why isn’t that enough for her? Doesn’t she want her son to be happy? I hope your mother will come to love your partner and respect your choices. I feel so much empathy towards your partner, because having to prove to someone you’re good enough is very hard.

  • Laura

    How brave of you. Changing family culture is scary and traumatizing. I have heard from friends who are Korean about the “Korean Mother” and all the significance that holds in a child’s life, especially for the majeh. I wish you, your fiance and your mother all the happiness!

    Also the Hanbok and you = absolutely stunning!

  • feelingfickle

    I’ll just add on to what everyone else has said: congrats on the engagement, hugs and high fives on the courage and best of wishes for the wedding. And those colors on the Hanbok are goooooorgeous on you.

  • Alexa

    Thank you so much for so openly sharing how you are navigating such a difficult situation. I hope that in time and after meeting and getting to know your husband your mom becomes more accepting and supportive.

    I can identify with your husband’s situation. My husband’s family is from Nigeria and moved to the states when he was really young, so he grew up here. When we first started dating they were against him dating anyone, but our racial, cultural, and religious differences didn’t help. We were lucky in that they came to accept our relationship before we got married (we dated for almost 10 years), so we navigated the parental disapproval and wedding-related cultural differences separately. I am amazed and impressed that you are doing both at the same time. I have seen how hard it can be to not do what your parents want without feeling like you are abandoning the values of their/your culture. I wish you, your husband, and your family joy and happiness in your upcoming marriage.

  • Lauren from NH

    As the partner of a future generation head in the US, seeking approval and connection with his traditional family has been unbelievably hard and frustrating. I feel that I have been measured by every possible standard except my character and personality. (My education, my job, my weight, my virginity, my fertility, my culture and it’s worst stereotypes, my inability to instantaneously speak the language).
    Like the author mentioned, there is this fight that arises between the concept that a marriage is the joining of two people versus the joining to two families. My deepest struggle was that while his family couldn’t accept or respect me, that seemed to do nothing to weaken or change his relationship to them. He would admit they weren’t perfect, but it was as if he believed they were not responsible for addressing their flaws and improving the relationship on their end. It hurt because I would have started wars or disowned my family if they displayed the level of disrespect and disinterest for my partner, that his family has shown me. It seemed that he had been indoctrinated with so many of their hopes and dreams and the responsibility of maintaining the culture that finding true fault with them was just not possible. This is another one of those taboos like ultimatums, you never come between someone and their family, but we’re starting our own family and our family, and each of its member deserve respect.
    I am additionally, frustrated that I feel I have become the sacrificial outlet of a problem that has been swept under the rug for years. The older generation and younger generation barley know or recognize each other, at their parties and gathering they barely interact, because their cultures are experiences are so distant now. Everyone is in deep denial but the younger generation is 80% American, 20% Ethiopian at least. So while I stick out as the awkward white thumb that doesn’t speak Amharic, everyone else flies under the radar.
    Recently, we have made some progress with them, actually thanks to some advice I receive here a few months ago. But I am now realizing as I write this, that there are still deep wounds that will have to worked through at some point. Sorry for the rant. Congrats to the author on therapy, boundaries, making it work, and your up and coming wedding and marriage.

    • Karen

      You don’t have to apologize “for the rant.” Your thoughts and feelings were enlightening to me and I’m sure others. This must be very difficult for you. I’m glad this post made you realize there is more work to do (as there is for all of us). Hugs!

    • Esther

      Yeah that can definitely be tough. Playing the devils advocate here but as a 1.5 generational immigrant, immigrant family makes all kinds of sacrifices and goes through heartache because they are the foreigners. And usually a lot of these people immigrated for the sake of their children. As children we clash due to cultural divide but at the same time we know how much more our parents are going through daily for being the immigrant. Now that I’m married to a Australian white man, the way he views family is so different than mine because my parents sacrificed SO MUCH MORE than his parents did. That said my parents are incredible and super supportive so some parents may just have more desire to “own” their children. Best of luck in healing!

      • Lauren from NH

        Thank you for adding that, it’s difficult to get everything out in one comment. I don’t in any way mean to be anti immigrant with my comments. Like you said my partner’s family has sacrificed a great deal and worked very hard to afford their children and other family members some really amazing opportunities. I am sure in some ways it has felt like their culture and family has been put in jeopardy to achieve these things and at times Americans and American culture has seemed downright hostile. So I understand that what can sometimes seem like ethnocentricism and family insulation on their part is a very reasonable response to their experiences here. But I, individually, am not the source of their discrimination in America. So while I understand it, experiencing so much isolation and rejection has been difficult. But progress in the communication department is happening, continuing that and letting go of old baggage will be part of the process. I now think achieving chummy and glowing feeling with 60% + of his family by wedding time is achievable and that is saying something.

        • Esther

          I’m Korean American and according to my other older (late 20s) KA friends, when you get married and don’t have children right away you may have another fight ahead of you. Just s heads up. But first thing first- the wedding! Stay strong!

    • Alexa

      Hi. Just a few thoughts that you might (or might not) find helpful as an American whose husband’s family came to the states from Nigeria (by way of the UK) when he was young.

      1) One of the hardest culturally-influenced differences for me to wrap my head around was how my husband and his family interact when they disagree. Obviously part of it is personality based, but some of it is tied not just to respect for parents/family but to appropriate/acceptable ways of showing respect and disagreement. I think it’s important that you feel supported by your husband, but I hope you can understand that him standing up to his family may not look like what you would do in a similar situation with your family. (My family is very much about frank, explicit discussion of disagreements and concerns and winning arguments through logic. Communication about important matters in my husband’s family is often a combination of talking around/joking about a topic, acknowledging that others have shared their opinion, and to a certain extent letting your actions speak for you.) It’s of course up to you and your partner to figure out not only what communication style works between the two of you but also what compromises you can be comfortable making with your families.

      2) While I’m sure you’re right about the acculturation of the younger generation, if your husband’s family is at all like my in-laws they are very aware of that as a concern, and a big part of the concern with marrying outside their culture is the (completely reasonable) assumption that it will accelerate the process. I think anything that you can do to show that you appreciate, support, and want to learn more about his/their culture may help mitigate those fears. (My brother-in-law was much more smoothly accepted into my husband’s extended family/community than I was, partly because my sister-in-law, his wife, coached him extensively on traditions and etiquette. Similarly, I got really positive responses when I showed I knew the background of my engagement ceremony, and a lot of concern was shown when I went to Nigeria that I might not want to go back, because that would likely discourage or even prevent my husband and future children from visiting as well.)

      I hope that made sense and was maybe helpful. I don’t think it’s ever an easy process (I may feel fairly confident about things now after being together over a decade, but I’m sure when we have kids it will be a whole different ball game). I hope you and your partner are able to work through your difficulties.

      • Lauren from NH

        Finally, I am getting back around to commenting on this. Whew! I definitely appreciate the input and your perspective on the situation. One of my struggles with this intercultural collision is not having much to compare my experience and feelings to. So sometimes I am left confused if I am being too tolerant (not standing up for myself enough or demanding more progress enough) or too intolerant (expecting too much).
        To address your points one by one, first, communication styles, not just language, seems to be the biggest hidden cultural barrier. I think you are right that part of why my partner does not make more of a stink about the silence and distance between his family members and me is because in a sense, there is not a mechanism for correcting the behavior of your elders in that way. One is supposed to forgive their flaws based on and with appreciation for all the sacrifices and care given to you as a child. In a sense they have earned the right to be set in their ways and to get their way. The behavior of people of the same age or younger can be corrected but like you said, it is done in a joking guilting style. Basically, jokingly accusing people of being a fundamentally bad and ungrateful person for small social behavioral infractions. I find this a bit troubling, but that’s a family matter. At the suggestion of another APWer, at recent gatherings I have been volunteering info about myself and forcing conversations that would not otherwise happen and this seems to be generating some progress. There seems to be some kind of dynamic where guests greet hosts not host greets guest; a person must share information about oneself, rather that waiting for someone to ask about you. So one liquored up graduation party I actually employed this tactic and it seems to work remarkably well, even though it is very counter intuitive to me.
        On point two, though initially I was very open to learning the language etc., the cultural pushing on their part that has occurred instead of cultural exchange has rather turned me off and put me into kind of a defensive stance, which I am now trying to work my way back from. And I think you’re right that in very unspoken ways the culture pushing and culture fears are connected to the future and future generations. Which again, puts me somewhat on the defensive because while their culture and family may operate on a more traditional (read sexist) model and perspective for the value of people and the division of labor, and I can accept that and, if not respect it, not disrespect it, I will not allow that to be put on me. I do not feel responsible to learn all the ways of the culture for cooking to language to dress as part of a womanly and motherly duty to pass that on to our children and preserve the family ways for multiple reasons. 1 sexism. 2 While I am happy to assist and learn some things to help my partner continue to celebrate his background, as it is not my culture of origin, my partner should clearly take the lead role in these experiences and in passing on their traditions to theoretical kids, so caring about and preserving the culture is something they should take up with him. 3 At this point and possibly into the future we are not interested in having children, again, an issue they should take up with him instead of making assumptions and alternatively giving me the cold shoulder and pushing the culture down my throat. I feel like that maybe sounded a bit hostile. But to be honest that is what it has become, because I feel like I am being put to task with adopting their whole culture and by way of omission being told to reject my own because on a good day it’s not as great as theirs and on a bad day it’s evil and fundamentally selfish.
        So I find myself circling back around to one of my biggest issues in the relationship between his family and myself, is the durability of their cultural for future generations after immigration are issues that are being put on me that are way way out of my control. They immigrated here for mainly economic reasons and I in no way think that means they must sacrifice their culture. I am not at all of the philosophy “this is Amurica, speak English”, don’t dress like that anymore, assimilate, assimilate, assimilate. Yet like anywhere else, there already is a dominant culture here that pervades everything and there was no way to keep their kids separate from it, assimilation happens to a degree as they make American friends while going to American schools and consuming American entertainment. But that is something they need to talk through with their kids, and probably best openly rather than telling them they are bad and ungrateful if they deviate. Taking out their fears on future spouses only further drives a wedge between the generations. My partner’s cousins all hide their significant others from the family and never ever introduce anyone. And that’s just the guys (ages 20-25). Things are really going to get even more interesting when the girls (ages 14-19) start dating.

        • Alexa

          Hmmm . . . Thinking about your last point, from what I’ve heard from my in-laws, in their culture families don’t traditionally meet significant others until a couple is ready to get married, and even then they would ideally meet a woman’s family before meeting the woman herself (at least as a romantic partner rather than just a friend/acquaintance). My husband and I definitely didn’t do things that way (I’m not sure he realized that was the case; I certainly didn’t) but I wonder if that’s part of why his family had a really hard time interacting with me when we were just dating. There wasn’t really an established protocol for them to follow. I’m 99% sure it’s why they reacted with concern when he met my extended family at a family reunion; in their minds that should have been a sign that we were getting engaged, and we were still really young at that point.

          If you want someone to talk things through with or vent to that has a somewhat similar experience, please feel free to email me at

  • Amie Melnychuk

    My friend’s mom gave me great advice concerning my now sister-in-law. “A marriage is a marathon. You can’t keep worry about this immediate thing, but instead think of the long term and pace yourself. You are water she is a rock. With time, you will wear her down.”

    • Karen

      Yep, you gotta keep the long view. Good luck to you!

  • tw

    As one half of a bicultural relationship, I can relate a bit to your essay, even though our issues with our families thankfully haven’t been so extreme. I live in my partner’s country and my parents have let me know again and again how much they dislike my living abroad. For awhile, they would regularly make comments about how terrible it was that their grandchildren wouldn’t speak English. My partner is from a former socialist country in Europe and his family lives in a relatively rural area, so I was something of an… oddity? when I showed up. There was a lot of skepticism in the beginning and the fear that I would convince him to move back to the US with me, but that’s calmed down for the most part. It’s like a tug of war between the two families, with each side afraid that they’re getting the short end of the stick and that the other country/culture is going to win out. Congratulations on handling your balancing act with such grace. I wish you all the best for your wedding and I hope you enjoy the heck out of it ;)

  • Alexandra

    I work with a man in his sixties who is first generation Chinese, and his parents’ only child. He didn’t get married until he was 39. He said that in high school he dated a girl who was Chinese, but his parents didn’t like her because she wasn’t in the right social class. Then, in college, he dated a Japanese woman and his parents didn’t like her because she wasn’t Chinese. Then he stopped bringing his girlfriends home. When he finally got married to a haole (white) woman, they were so thankful that he was getting married at all that they didn’t care anymore about race and welcomed her to the family with open arms. Perspective!

  • Molly

    I know where you’re coming from, sort of. My fiance is Indian, and in the very beginnings of our relationship four and a half years ago, which started out long-distance, his mother would make comments that he needed to be careful with American girls. His parents were both very anti-dating and were very suspicious of me just because I was white and American. I think they had a lot of preconceived notions. They were also hoping he would have an arranged marriage with a nice, successful Indian girl they picked for him.

    Obviously it didn’t work out that way. I got very lucky that his mom has very much come to accept me as his future spouse. His dad is pretty indifferent about the relationship, which I have to say is better than him hating me, but he accepts me. Overall, though, my relationship with his family has transformed into something wonderful. His aunt threw us a beautiful engagement party in November (my icon is from that) which showed me that they have accepted me into their family with open arms. The amount of love and support they showed will only be comparable on the day of our wedding, I think.

    No, I’m not exactly who they would have chosen for him, but they trust his decisions and they trust me to be a good spouse. I hope your family will eventually come around to accept him even if they do not understand the decision. It’s your life. Just keep doing what you’re doing, and eventually they’ll see that your husband is a wonderful person.

    • Laura C

      I am so lucky that the Indian-American man I am marrying is from a family where practically no one in his generation has married another Indian. Interestingly, while there’s no expectation of that, there remain class expectations — that potential spouses be the college-educated professional children of college-educated professionals. And since I meet those expectations, it’s all good, pretty much. But I do sometimes wonder what it was like for the first person or two in the family to marry out…

      • Molly

        We won’t be the first love marriage in the family, but we are going to be the first interracial marriage. I’m really happy with how great it’s gone for us. I’m college educated but I don’t hold a professional degree (liberal arts degree, woo!) and my career is stagnant right now… even then, they have been very accepting. I’m very lucky for that. His dad will openly say this is not how he would have liked it to be, but that my fiance is a grown man and can make his own decisions. If that’s the best I can get out of him, I’ll take it. I feel very fortunate.

        Marriage and children will probably hold its own set of hurdles due to familial expectations on both sides, but we plan to cross that bridge when we get there.

  • ART

    I think it is so smart of you to work on adjusting your expectations. I know exactly how hard that can be (difficult parent of my own, for very different reasons), but it has been such a relief to have more realistic expectations, because so much conflict arises from the ones we have not being met. You look so happy in your wedding outfit! I hope that emotion carries the next few months (and beyond!)

  • Crayfish Kate

    Love this post! Love seeing another Korean APWer on here! I know this wasn’t the point of your post, but I love your hanbok & love that you will be wearing it on your wedding day. Much love and courage as you continue to navigate family acceptance! It sounds like you’re already well on your way :-D (Also would be thrilled if you did a Wordless Wedding or Wedding Grad post, I’d love to see your hanbok photos!)

  • Granola

    I just want to say good luck! Your story is really inspiring and brave. Also, if you choose to have children, I’m confident they’ll appreciate their Korean heritage. It will be different than your experience, but they’ll treasure it.

  • GreenBeans

    Thank you for writing this. Through reading about how you and your fiance handled things, I feel more confident about addressing the cultural and social difficulties when my partner and I tell my mother that we want to get married.

  • Joyce

    I hope this doesn’t come across as insensitive, but I would like to point out that your mother’s reactions should not be defined as the typical “Korean” reaction. While Koreans do have a much stronger sense of respecting your elders (and are even more xenophobic than some cultures), your mother’s reactions,based on your description, seem to really surpass a cultural difference into something that seems somewhat abusive. I say this as the child of a Korean mother and an American father. While my father had to work extra hard to win over my mother’s parents, their reactions, over 40 years ago, were not as extreme as your mothers. In fact it was my father’s American parents who disowned him for marrying my mother. While I understand that this is a description of your reality that is certainly affected by Korean culture, I really hope readers don’t come away thinking this is the typical Korean reaction to interracial marriages.

  • Christina

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this. We are struggling with similar expectations and disappointments. My husband and I just got married, and he is the half from a traditional Asian culture, whose mother is not as accepting as we had hoped. It means so much to read this!

    • AnneJ

      Christina, I send you hugs and support! It’s damn hard, but we’re in this together, with so many others. I feel sometimes that I am doing all the work in easing this situation, but I know it can be worse on my fiance/your side, when you want to do something but you can’t directly, and the fear of putting too much pressure on your partner to *fix* it can feel suffocating. One thing that both angered me and gave me hope was when people would tell me, ‘just pop out some babies and she’ll change her tune!’ All I can say to that is AAAAARGH!!!!

  • Tara

    This post is so wonderful, thank you. I deeply admire your personal strength and commitment to family. I was married two months ago and only decided to invite my father two months before the wedding. I am half Indian, my father is from India and my mother is white. Despite my father’s decision to marry a white woman, he was adamant that I marry an Indian man. He verbally disowned me after meeting my now husband when we were just dating (the kindest, most intelligent and understanding man I have ever met, who happens to be white and an English literature pHd candidate, which is not an acceptable career path according to my father). I did not have the emotional fortitude that you do, to work at convincing him step by step to accept the man that I love and decided not to invite him to our wedding. In the end, I did invite him and he did come to the wedding. I am very glad that he had the opportunity to meet my husband and his wonderful family and hopefully have a chance to see the amazing qualities that I have come to know and love. I wish you the best of luck as you move forward. Remember the words that you wrote, that you have to manage your expectations and appreciate the small advances that you are able to make. It will be well worth it. Please do not let guilt hamper your feelings of joy. Thank you for this post!

    • AnneJ

      Thank you Tara, and congratulations on your wedding and for taking the brave and generous step of inviting your father to it. Better late than never, and we all come from different paths and take different steps! I can imagine how incredibly frustrating it was (and probably still is) and I agree, every small success is worthwhile.

  • Laura

    That is a tough situation, and I commend you for the grace you have used in handling it! Hopefully as your mother gets to know him, she will come to understand that he will be a good partner for you. (As an aside, I love your hanbok and you will look wonderful in it!) I am not Korean, but I lived in Korea for a long time and I agree, it is sometimes hard for Westerners to understand the extent to which Koreans work to please their families. I think it is difficult for us to grasp fully how differently family ties operate in Korea.

  • Eva baby

    What a great way to look at all experiences – taking baby steps and appreciating the journey. Well done! :)

  • AnneJ

    As the author, I’d like to highlight a very good point made by Joyce- like any personal story, thjs is just that – my personal, Korean-Australian experience and whilst common, it doesn’t represent all Koreans, or even all Korean-Australians. It took me a long time to realise that some of the reactions I was getting from my mother might be extreme, and not just what any authoritative, disapproving Korean mother would do (as seen in popular media). As demonstrated below, it can be any parent, any culture, but the presence of judgement is universal. The thing is, the more your parent fights, the more they care! If they care, there is hope for change.

    Thank you all who wrote comments and/or shared your stories, they warm my heart and give me support in a way I’ve never previously experienced. I hope anyone going through the same will be inspired – don’t give up!

  • Arielle Stroman

    I wish I had the strength you had. In the past, with my mother, she was very abusive towards me when I lived with her and I’ve tried to repair that relationship around 10 times in the past 7 years. Me and my significant other are getting engaged relatively soon, and I’m at a loss for words on how to talk to her about it when it happens, especially since she’s made it known towards me and several relatives that she does not agree with my choice in partner, a white male, believes him to be “lesser” than me, and told me and my partner that she doesn’t want anything to do with our relationship or getting to know him. It’s rough to deal with, but reading this gives me a little hope.