Q: Dear APW,
My friend is getting married and I’m so excited to be in her bridal party. I was completely floored when she asked me to be maid of honor, and of course said yes. But, actually performing MOH duties has become a whole other story. The other bridesmaids are all very nice, but one in particular just never responds to our emails. It’s coming down to the wire and we need to finalize plans for the bachelorette party, and this bridesmaid hasn’t responded to an email thread started weeks ago.
I haven’t said anything because I don’t want to create any problems by being a bitchy nag to my friend’s friends. Finally, I texted her separately asking, basically, WTF, and would she be at the bachelorette. A week later, she texts back that the plans aren’t convenient for her, and suggests a bunch of other stuff we could do instead. I honestly don’t know what to do. We’ve all been planning this for months, and now we need to coordinate something new? But I don’t feel like I can just barrel ahead with our plans, excluding this person who is clearly important to my friend, the bride.
A: Dear Anonymous,
Yeah, welcome to the hell of bridal parties. It’s tough wrangling a bunch of folx, especially if some of them are near-strangers, from different friend groups. And there’s almost always one (at least) who doesn’t respond.
You mentioned trying to avoid being a nag, but honestly, that’s your job. I understand not wanting to create friction in the group or cause problems for your friend. But you have to remember you’re acting on her behalf. You’re not nagging to be a jerk; you’re nagging so the bride has a nice party or shower or whatever. So no, you can’t make her come to the party, or behave in the way you want her to, but you can nag her till you find out if she’s coming to the party or not.
But it’s too late for that now. If this is a big bridal party and the plans are already in motion, there’s not too much you can do to reverse course. If you feel particularly generous, you can weigh how feasible this bridesmaid’s suggestions are (without factoring in how irritated you are to just be receiving them now), and ask the other bridesmaids if they’re up for a change. But if you’re not, it’s fine to tell her, “Thanks for the suggestions, but the party has already been planned,” and then let it go. The bride picked this person to be in her wedding. The best you can do is get her RSVP to parties, and then try not to let her get under your skin. Because as soon as this wedding is over, chances are you won’t have to deal with her ever again.