When Two Lesbians Love Each Other Very Much And They Want To Make A Baby…


by Anonymous

My wife and I are getting ready to embark on expanding our family to advance the gay agenda… I mean, to include a baby. As you may imagine, this doesn’t happen by wishing. In fact, it happens with regular appointments at the fertility doctor, visits to sperm bank websites, and confused phone calls. It is a very deliberate process and it makes me crazy that I can’t have the spontaneous, “Hooray, you’re pregnant!” moment. So, in conclusion, my narration:

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG what if we are terrible parents and I drop the kid on its head and then it is broken forever and it’s all my fault the end.

Oh, of course my insurance is denying my infertility benefits. Even though I pay into the plan that provides excellent infertility benefits. Because there is nothing medically wrong about me or my partner except that neither of us produce sperm.

Thanks, fertility doctor money guy. Please continue to tell me how awesome my insurance is when I’ve just told you that we won’t be able to use it.

Wait, IUI is also not covered by my insurance? And only provides a twenty percent success rate? At $360 a pop?

Good lord, donor sperm is expensive. This kid better be a magical unicorn.

Dear magical unicorn baby: Sorry you can’t go to college, we spent our life savings bringing you into existence. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Wait, my job has NO paid maternity leave? Except maybe some disability?

I’m already trying to figure out what clever remarks I’m going to have when people ask me impolite questions about my child’s paternity and/or imply that we are damaging it by raising it without a father. So far, all I’ve come up with is a very cold “I don’t see how that’s any of your business.” I think I will need to keep a list of the awkward questions I will receive at my office. Because I will. And it will be epic.

Sometimes I worry that I won’t like my kid if they’re ugly. Or hate to read. Or are a jerk, like my cat. And then I remember the power of hormones.

Are we sure we can’t start shopping for baby stuff before I’m knocked up? (No, must pay for baby.) Even at Target? (ESPECIALLY at Target.)

Dear magical unicorn baby: I would like to apologize in advance for all of the people out there who will be mean to you just because you have two moms. I promise to try to give you some things you can say to them that will help point out that you are awesome and they are dicks. Because you don’t exist yet and you are still more awesome than those metaphorical jerk people. Plus, they don’t know about monkeys wearing pants, so really, you should feel sorry for them. I hope you don’t resent us for putting you in a place to have awkward conversations for the rest of your life. Let’s face it, you’re being raised by two awkward people, so that was going to happen anyway. And I hope you don’t resent us for not providing a father figure to you. We promise you’ll have lots of super excited granddads and uncles and almost-uncles to be a part of your life. And also, I promise you I will always love you so hard. Except when you vomit on me at 3am. Then I might want to look into the return policy.

I just swore in my letter to my metaphorical magical unicorn baby. SHIT.

I have a feeling I will spend the entire pregnancy in need of a drink.

I don’t know who will be more excited for this child, us or my mother-in-law.

I’m going to have to spend the next nine months not being sick. I hate having to choose between taking a day to recover from my illness and a day with my magical unicorn baby.

I have this image of us being super parents. The TV will never be on, the children will find ways to amuse themselves, they will grow creative and strong and I will be amazed at how effortlessly wonderful my child turned out. I expect that this won’t even make it through pregnancy.

Crap, I need to find more guy friends. I promised my magical unicorn baby.

Also, anyone who wants me to go on vacation in the next year, sorry! Saving my vacation time for maternity leave. It’s not like we could have afforded it anyway, since we’re going to have to sell a kidney to finance this magical unicorn kid.

Wait, there’s no baby return policy?!

You know what’s more awkward than talking about sperm motility with a sperm bank? Discussing your ovulation cycle with your caseworker.

Maybe we should move to Finland so we can get a year of paid maternity leave and a baby box.

We make some of the baby-making decisions off of how I imagine my mother explaining my life to an acquaintance at the grocery store. I am not even kidding.

Prenatal vitamins make your hair and your nails grow ridiculously fast.

It doesn’t even hit me that we will be bringing a new life into the world until I least expect it. And it’s no longer a hazy someday, it’s soon. It could be as soon as nine months from now. This is amazing. And terrifying. And amazing.

Dear god, if my magical unicorn baby turns out to be a girl, that means we’ll have to deal with an adolescent twelve-year-old magical unicorn girl. What if she ends up being a mean girl? I may have to lock her in the basement until she grows out of it. (Calm your tits, guys, I’m not locking my metaphorical teenager in the basement. YET. Besides, there’s a door to the outside with a key down there, so this is kind of moot anyway.)

What if I’m too fat to have a baby? Seriously, this is something that they put on all of the OMG OBESITY EPIDEMIC shit and my brain sometimes buys into that crap. Also, I can’t stop eating quesadillas now, how will I be able to stop when I’m knocked up? (OH GOD, WHAT IF I END UP PREGNANTLY AVERSE TO CHEESE?!)

You guys, you’re not supposed to eat brie while pregnant. What fresh hell is this? You can’t take away my cheese AND my wine.

Jesus, if they end up putting me on hormones, this will all be SO MUCH WORSE.

Maybe we should just get a dog.

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  • ” It is a very deliberate process and it makes me crazy that I can’t have the spontaneous, “Hooray, you’re pregnant!” ”

    (I feel you) (Different reasons).

    But I bet when you are pregnant (you are right?) both of you will still go “Hooray, you’re pregnant”…. particularly after all those appointments at the fertility clinic. I’m inspired by your magical unicorn baby letters.

    Also: I just watched this video on a 2 mummy family in Italy and I think it’s awesome. It’s in Italian… but I bet you will get some of it.

  • Ruby

    I have most of those thoughts at the idea of having a baby too…there’s a fair amount of panic taking place in my head at any minute. And we’re not even ready to start trying. At least I’m not.
    It’s ridiculous and unfair that your insurance plan is basically crap right now, no mat leave? Wtf? Come to Canada, it’s a year. We can work on the baby box.

  • Rachel Wilkerson

    ” I hope you don’t resent us for putting you in a place to have awkward conversations for the rest of your life.” Speaking as something of a magical unicorn baby (though one conceived the old-fashioned way), I can assure you, if I resent anyone, it’s the parents of people who didn’t teach their children not to ask awkward questions.

    • Cosigned.

    • Magical Unicorn Mama to Be (we hope)

      Thank you for saying this. It helps. I love APW so hard.

  • Good luck! Thank you for this! It’s so much of what terrifies me about pregnancy and baby-having (also I did not know this about the brie, and I find it deeply upsetting.), and it’s complete with realness, humor, swearing, and “calm your tits.”

    • Yes, yes that whole paragraph. Many of my baby fears. This whole post really.

      • Mel

        Right?? I feared all these things, except the sperm issues, which I got to bypass.

        If it’s at all comforting, my feared, anticipated, magical unicorn baby is a year old and is SUPER AWESOME. Yours will be too. I promise you will love it so much you will want to eat it, sometimes. And sometimes it will entertain itself, and you will get to sit and read APW and just like, bask.

    • If it’s any consolation, yes you can eat brie and other soft cheeses during pregnancy, just make sure they are pasteurized. Your baby will be just fine. :) After first trimester, I decided that pretty much anything goes in terms of food.

      • Magical Unicorn Mama to Be (we hope)

        My gynocologist is a lying liar who lies. This makes my life. I was worried enough about forgoing hair dye (I’m super gray at 32).

        • I think you could use henna (which would be reddish) or henna and indigio (which could be brown or black, depending on the percentage of each)…. (But I’m no doctor, so check that out with someone first…but if I ever decide to try to get pregnant, that’s my plan…)

          • Magical Unicorn Mama to Be (we hope)

            Jenny, that was exactly my plan. I currently use ammonia free dye and have been hoping I can keep doing that.

      • Stalking Sarah

        Vastly important information here, people. CHEESE IS AT STAKE.

  • Ashley

    This is wonderful, hilarious and awesome. As someone considering pregnancy, I can fully relate to a lot of the self-doubt… especially on the brie. I love cheese. I also have a friend who told me that when she was pregnant she started hating bacon. I can only imagine that it has to be some type of hell spawn to make you hate bacon (note: that baby is actually amazing, not a hell spawn). Seriously though, 9 months of getting fat with no wine, beer, cheese OR bacon to help me through it? This might all be too much….

    • Paranoid Libra

      It’s only the soft cheeses so you can always do cheddar. Mmmmm aged reserves cheddar by cracker barrel sitting in my fridge…..damn it now I am just upset my cheese is home and not at work with me. My metaphorical unicorn baby better not give me cheese aversion or I’ll be pissed!….or you know maybe just tickle torture it once it exists and is no longer in my uterus since my hubs gets made at me if I tickle him.

      • Alicia

        Also, you can always cook the brie…mmm, baked brie with herbs….

    • Magical Unicorn Mama to Be (we hope)

      No bacon?! I didn’t even consider that. Holy hand grenades, these are some serious shenanigans.

      • Liz

        Who says no bacon? I ate bacon throughout my pregnancy. I also ate my eggs over medium, my (pasteurized) feta, even my chocolate pie made with raw eggs. Had a small, watered down cocktail at my brother’s wedding. And lunch meat – I ate lunch meat. Without microwaving it first. Because that’s gross.

        But you know what will suck about getting sick when you are trying to save up for maternity leave? Almost every medicine that would make you feel better so you can survive your work day is on the “well, some people say it’s ok, but others say that it will turn your baby into a three-eyed tadpole, and we really haven’t studied it enough to know who is right” list.

        And then you have the baby, and you think that’s all over, and it turns out that people are equally on the fence about what you can take while breastfeeding. Btw, my rule of thumb for breastfeeding and alcohol? If you can drive, you can nurse. So cheers!

  • Blizalef

    Thank you for sharing this! I especially enjoy your letters to your future “magical unicorn baby”. I, too, find it completely ridiculous that your insurance is essentially useless in this process — and honestly, how the hell is paid maternity leave not legally mandatory by now!? Anyway, the whimsical, nervous, excited flavor of this post makes me smile. And special mention for the “calm your tits”. Because, you know, I LOVED THAT.

    • Magical Unicorn Mama to Be (we hope)

      The insurance thing… it was so disappointing. I went to the benefits fair and asked my HR people and got the blank look of “I have no idea how to answer that question” (which is frustrating, b/c I’d called the benefit hotline and gotten conflicting information). It took them three weeks for me to get an answer back and I got it two days before open enrollment ended. So frustrating. All I wanted was coverage for IUI. It would have made no difference to them, but it’s a big deal to me.

  • Nina

    I want a Finnish baby box!!! And they are ranked #1 in the world for education and #2 for “happiness”? What kind of crazy liberal utopia is this place?

  • Hope

    You can eat brie cheese while pregnant. The FDA says listeria is only found in unpasteurised cheese and pretty much all brie in the US is pasteurised (much to the horror of the French). It’s actually illegal to import brie made with unpasteurised milk to the US.
    I know that is a very small part of the fear of being pregnant and having a child but I love cheese too.

    • Jessica B

      This fact has made me extraordinarily happy. Why the hell should we give up our soft cheeses!

    • Kara E

      That said, you can definitely get cheeses made with unpasteurized milk (had to give up my artisan favorite goat cheese)!

      • Hope

        Definitely check to make sure the milk is unpasteurised but from supermarkets you’ll have no problem, it’s artisanal makers and specialty stores that value the taste of unpasteurised milk.
        From what I remember from our tour of a cheese shop in Paris quality goats cheese is often aged less than 60 days which is the US requirement to prevent listeria.

        How did I turn this into a discussion about cheese!

    • meg

      I didn’t want to be the first one to say that I sure as shit ate brie while pregnant. I ate and drank other things in moderation too, as backed up by real studies, as opposed to the fear mongering screaming heads. If other countries do it, I decided I was fine with it. To each their own, but I will tell you that my baby is VERY chill, and really loves good food ;)

      • Erin

        Here’s what I figure – that baby spends 9 months crammed into, basically, a bag made of tissue and fluid. not only that, but it seems to be able to manage stress, loud noises, weird sleep patterns, and Sour Patch Kids. Cheese and a glass of wine isn’t going to cause problems.

      • Alicia

        Same x2

      • Mel

        Might I recommend the Pregnant Chicken? She does an excellent job of breaking out the fearmongering from any actual documented dangers.

  • Diane

    Oh man, this is EXACTLY what I needed to read today. We’re a few weeks away from me stopping birth control and beginning to think about ovulation cycles and all of that and I’m excited but totally terrified too! We are lucky in that likely reproductive technology won’t need to be part of the process (fingers so crossed!). But we haven’t been married long, won’t actually be able to live in the same place until this time next year, and are approximately a zillion miles from our families (okay, it’s really only a thousand, but with the 3 AM vomit I know that will feel like a million). And then there’s the small detail that women seem to be considered public property once they’re visibly pregnant. A number of women I know have had strangers come up to them and rub or grab their bellies and I’m not sure that I could resist smacking someone (or at least screaming PERVERT! at the top of my lungs in a very public place) if that happens and I really don’t want to be pregnant and under arrest.

    OP, thank you for a funny, honest, disarming post.

    • Magical Unicorn Mama to Be (we hope)

      Dude, the closer it gets to reality, the more of a happy panic you get.

    • Mel

      My favorite theoretical response to belly touching was, “You know that’s connected to my vagina?”

      Not accurate, but I bet they stop touching.

  • Jen


    • Magical Unicorn Mama to Be (we hope)

      HELL YEAH IT IS. (Now we just need to work on the states)

  • Kara E

    You can eat all the brie you want, provided it’s made with pasteurized milk. Ditto all the other soft cheeses–it pays to check (and sometimes pays to buy cheaper cheese). Oh, and Zantac will help with the pregnant cheese aversions. ;)

  • AmandaT

    At 33 weeks along and of “Advanced Maternal Age,” I have very similar conversations with magical unicorn baby and ups and downs and fears and love and ALL THE FEELS all the time. I won’t have the two moms convo to deal with, but there are plenty of others like “your parents are so *old*” or “No, I’m not the grandma” or “Yes, your brother is 16 years older, yes it was on purpose” or “yes, we’re awkward enthusiastic boldfaced nerds, get over it.” Other kids can be weird and mean and awkward too, all you can do it deal with it best you can.

    Also, hang in there. It’s friggin scary as hell, even if you did it once before 16 years ago. So it marriage, house buying, moving far away, foreign travel, driving for the first time, and anything else that helps you grow as a human.

    Later, off to get me some brie. When can I have wine again? Agh, are there wine fridges in the hospital birthing suites?

  • I just swore in my letter to my metaphorical magical unicorn baby. SHIT.

    I call my unborn, still-cooking baby a shithead on the regular. (Lovingly, of course, but I fucking hate pregnancy, baby, and it’s partly your fault!). It scandalizes people.

    • Erin

      I called mine a womb tumor*. It IS a rapidly-growing division of cells that the body sees as a parasite, after all.

      *Note: actual cancer of any kind is never cool.

    • ItsyBitsy

      I love this. I once overheard my aunt telling my mom, “You told me the one thing that helped me so, so much with having a newborn. You said: As long as you’re saying it in a soothing voice, you can say whatever the hell you need to when you’re tired and mad. Sometimes I swear at her when I’m really frustrated.”

      Note: The “her” in the story was infant me. I find this so hilariously awesome.

      • Mel

        I need to have drinks with your mom, apparently, because that is awesome.

        • ItsyBitsy

          Haha she is pretty cool! Also I think the best part of this is that she seemed so shocked when my aunt told her this. She didn’t even remember saying it (which probably explains the level of tired/frustrated that prompted the “say anything” policy in the first place).

  • Emily

    I love this and also hate the crap you are going through – what the what wih your insurance policy?? I’m just getting to have those conversations with my workplace. Fun true story – the not for profit I work for has had to let a lot of people go over the last year and so now we have fewer than 50 people, so we don’t qualify for FMLA. I still have months to work everything out but that was pretty messed up news to get. And the disability insurance I have covers 6 weeks off for normal pregnancy, because that’s enough time.
    I read an article in the Guardian I think about the Finnish baby box and they were saying how women in Canada still have all of these maternity leave problems and lack of support, which was depressing since it sure seems like a magical fairyland place to have a baby to me.
    BUT at the same time the good news is we can get through all this unpaid leave anyway and have those magical unicorn babies by any means possible, and I wish you the best with it. And eat whatever cheese we want because honestly, there’s enough to worry about already.

    • Magical Unicorn Mama to Be (we hope)

      My job has some plus sides, but the actual benefits my employer offers blow goats. Health insurance is triple what it was at a smaller org and not as good, they don’t pay into 401K for two years and the mat leave and STD insurance are awful. I have to pay into one that does 60% salary for 2 weeks regular delivery, 4 weeks c-section after 30 days. Which I was actually rejected from because I am too fat. Seriously. (I believe I was a pound above the BMI limit) I change to a different plan with two years in the job (March 2014, unicorn to be born early April 2014 if it takes first go round), which will have different payouts, but I don’t think it’ll be much better.

    • Winny the Elephant

      We (Canadians) do not by any means have a perfect maternity set-up but you get 17 of pregnancy leave and 35 weeks for maternity leave if you delivered the child. You get 37 weeks total if you are a parent who did not deliver the child (dad, other mom, adoptive parent). That is the amount of time that you have a legal right to take off of work and the amount of time you can claim parental benefits (a percentage of your income up to a max). The problem is that many Canadians feel there should be unpaid maternity leave extension protections whereby you can take more unpaid time off of work without it impacting your pension, benefits, position etc. Women in Canada also take a huge income hit for every mat leave they take which is why women still make less than men here.

      Our system is not perfect and it costs us a lot in social security payments and tax dollars but it is 100% worth it. It is so wrong that the US is the only ‘first world’ country with NO maternity leave. How is that possible?

  • “Dear magical unicorn baby: Sorry you can’t go to college, we spent our life savings bringing you into existence. YOU’RE WELCOME.”

    YUP. So there. So get that. Sending you good thoughts.

  • Justanotherblue

    This was awesome to read. I hope you get your magical unicorn baby soon. I feel certain that someone with such an amazing sense of humor will be an excellent parent. That seems to be a very valuable asset for child rearing as far as I can tell. I think it’s pretty absurd that insurance won’t cover the treatments you need, but then I find the state of our entire insurance and healthcare system to be generally pretty absurd anyway. I opted out of all maternity related coverage for my crappy insurance, as my fiancé and I are child free and it cut over a hundred dollars off the monthly cost, and the insurance agent spent some time trying to talk me out of doing so because of the old “what if you change your mind”, so there’s a bullshit double standard for you. If I thought for one second that the extra cost per month for maternity coverage for “heterosexual who never wants children” could somehow be passed along to fund treatments for lesbians who do want to be parents, I would happily pay it and I’m sure I’m not the only one.

    • Magical Unicorn Mama to Be (we hope)

      Thank you. The whole health insurance program is bullshit. Hopefully the Affordable Care Act will help things, but I have a feeling it will get worse before it gets better.

  • Rachelle

    This. is. Amazing.

    Thank you.

  • Helen S

    I need more stories about this. I know that ladies can get pregnant without men, but I want to know how to do it, and how to do it with care and consideration and maybe a bit of joyfulness? Sperm banks seem so medical and institutionalised. Does anyone have stories about two ladies and a man friend making a baby, at their house say, out of a paper cup or something?

    • Catherine McK

      I don’t have any personal stories, but here’s a Modern Love from the perspective of a woman whose husband donated to their friends: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/02/fashion/My-Husbands-New-Son-Modern-Love.html?pagewanted=all

    • Crayfish Kate

      Hi Helen!

      xoJane posts a wonderful series of blog posts by Michelle Tea, a lesbian who is doing pretty much that. I haven’t read all the posts, but the ones I have read have been so insightful. Give ’em a try :-)


    • I remembered this and literally just googled “offbeat salsa jar baby” and presto! http://offbeatfamilies.com/2011/12/using-salsa-jar-to-get-pregnant

    • Magical Unicorn Mama to Be (we hope)

      It is. It is super awkward and weird and information is monetized in a really uncomfortable way. But we chose to go that route because we didn’t have any good options among our friends, my wife doesn’t have any male siblings and there can be awkward legal ramifications by using a known third party. This way gets my wife on the birth certificate if I deliver in DC and we have a complete medical history of the guy.

    • spinning

      The story you want (in great detail) is here: mondayswithmac.com

      But also, there are many legal pitfalls, be careful, k?

    • Stalking Sarah

      Folks definitely do this! Probably that way came first, as lesbians often weren’t welcomed at sperm banks. There are pros and cons to both ways:

      -super cheap
      -fresh sperm has a higher fertility rate
      -pretty convenient
      -you know exactly who the donor is as a person

      -legally, there is zero question that the donor can ever try and become a parent
      -screened for diseases/STDs
      -screened for major genetic conditions
      -more options — a virtual sea of sperm

  • Remy

    Whenever my baby-rabies gets revved up (like every other day at this point, although our calendar says we’re starting adoption paperwork NEXT year), I tease my wife with this hilarious PSA: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/edc8cceadd/maybe-its-time-for-a-baby-from-sensiblesnack

    • Magical Unicorn Mama to Be (we hope)


  • Jenny

    LOVE YOU and this entire post. Might I add that every single time you wrote “Magical Unicorn Baby” I laughed out loud. At work – at the place that similarly will not offer me paid maternity leave or insurance help with fertility. And btw – quick rant that anywhere I look up “detecting your fertility” tells me to try conceiving for a year and then go find a fertility doctor. Hmmm pretty sure my soon to be wife and I could try for all eternity and NOT conceive – though i’m no doctor. I think I can be 99.9999999% sure of that. Hoping to embark on this journey seriously starting in the next year or so – if I don’t die of shock at the thought of ever being able to finance such a venture. Best of luck to you and your unicorn baby!

  • parapluie

    I love, love, love this post. My fiancée and I are not ready to have kids yet (hopefully soonish??) but all of these things have flown through my mind numerous times when thinking/planning/dreaming about having one (or a couple). Thank you for your humour and honesty.

  • Winny the Elephant

    this made me laugh so hard I almost peed my pants.