My friend’s wedding is coming up next month. She had a big fight with one of her bridesmaids and long-time friends—we’ll call her “S”—but I don’t know all the details of the fight. S said she didn’t want to be in the wedding party anymore, and I don’t think she and the bride have communicated since.
I reached out to S via email to ask if she could share photos she took at the shower we put together before the fight. The rest of us bridesmaids want to make a photo book of all the pre-wedding events to give to the bride. S’s reply was accusatory, rude, insulted the bride and groom, suggested the groom was cheating, and said that our friend was just getting married because she is getting too old to be single, all the while casting herself as the victim. She refused to share the photos and asked me to refrain from contacting her again (then she signed off saying “All the best, S.” How sweet!). I understand why she wouldn’t want to share the photos—but I asked very nicely, and a nice “no” in reply would have been acceptable.
My main question is, can I send a reply to her email? I think she needs to know that no one else sees the situation like she does (where she is blameless) and that she’s always been a selfish friend. I don’t know if she’ll really hear it if I say it though. I hope that S and the bride don’t reconcile like they’ve done many times in the past. But if that’s what the bride wants down the road, my angry email defending her may make that harder (not sure if that’s good or bad). Is it not my place? Should I just let it go or can I respectfully (with a little underlying rage) tell her that she sucks right now? I feel pissed and want to stick up for my friend, and let S know how shitty she’s been at the same time.
All the best!
My, You’re Performing Like A Certified Egomaniac
Dear MY PLACE,
Ah, honey. As much as you KNOW I would love for you to write this email and report back with all the gory details of how she responds, you also gotta know you can’t do it. Don’t email her! Don’t say anything! Just be grateful that this girl isn’t your friend and you don’t have to worry about her.
You said yourself that you don’t know what happened between them. Your loyalty is just lovely, but possibly a smidge misplaced if you don’t have the nitty gritty from both sides of the argument.
If this girl is as nuts and cruel and delusional as you say, she’s not going to listen to reason. Hell, she’s not going to give a crap about anything you say at all. Your words would be wasted, and if I know people like her (unfortunately I do) they’ll even be twisted and used against you—and against your friend, the bride. Ask yourself—what do you hope to achieve by telling her off? It won’t encourage her to mend her ways, it won’t set her straight, it won’t fix whatever transpired between her and the bride. So there’s a pretty healthy chance that you just want to unload on her to make yourself feel better. Doesn’t it feel good to give people what they have coming to them? Sure does. But it’s not always productive. This is one of those cases where it really wouldn’t be.
For now, good riddance to bad rubbish. She’s out of the wedding, she’s out of your hair, and hopefully she stays out of your friend’s way.
Instead of wasting your energy on the bad, focus on the good. Be there to remind your friend why she rocks and what kind of friends she deserves in her life. Trash-talking this other person isn’t going to help your friend keep the negative energy out of her life. Instead, focus on encouraging her to seek out the kinds of friendships that are healthy and beneficial and mutual. And while you’re at it, be that kind of friend to her yourself.
*****
Team Practical, how do you support a friend who’s being treated terribly by someone else? What do you do when you would just love to tell someone off, but know it might not be a great idea?
Photo Gabriel Harber.
If you would like to ask Team Practical a question please don’t be shy! You can email Liz at: askteampractical [at] apracticalwedding [dot] com. If you would prefer to not be named, anonymous questions are also accepted. Though it really makes our day when you come up with a clever sign-off!
