Posts Tagged ‘Calling Off Your Wedding’

Apr 2012

*Diana, PR/Marketing Manager & Joey, Senior Project Manager*

You guys, here is the mother of all "Change of Plans" posts. Diana & Joey were planning a big wedding, because, well, that's what you do, right? And then they realized they didn't want a big wedding. And they had the nerve to call the whole thing off and plan a courthouse wedding with immediate family, in just six weeks. And the amazing thing? All those guests that were suddenly not coming to the big wedding? They were thrilled. So let's talk about listening to your gut, and doing what you really need.

Joey and I met in 1999. I was 15, he was a day shy of 18, and within a month we were boyfriend and girlfriend. We kept those titles for the next 11 years.

Cue the infamous question—“What took you so long to get married?”

We’ll put aside the fact that we were babies when we met, with high school to finish, college to graduate from and careers to figure out, and I’ll tell you that marriage just wasn’t a top priority for us, which I think is hard for some people to understand. It wasn’t that we weren’t completely committed to one another. We bought a house together, and a dog…and then another dog. We were committed; we were creating a life together and figured we’d get married when it felt right for us.

Before we got engaged, we talked about getting married at the courthouse, keeping it simple, maybe even eloping. But then the love of my life put that blasted ring on my finger in March of 2011 and I lost myself (and my mind) for a little bit.

Everyone was so happy for us. I was consumed by the outpouring of love and excitement. The funny thing is that up until that point, we played by our own rules. We did what made us happy and what felt right for us as a couple, but now I felt like what would make us happy (simple, no fuss wedding), would make others unhappy. I was trapped by my people pleasing ways.

Continue reading Wedding Graduates: Diana & Joey

Posted in: Wedding Graduates | 49 Comments »

Feb 2012

Calling Off A Wedding After Illness

At its core, I always hope that APW is about listening to that tiny voice inside you that tells you who you are and what's right for you. So this week, as we are exploring health and illness and how it affects our relationships, it seemed like the perfect time for this post. Today's anonymous post is about being in a relationship and surviving a brain tumor. But it's also about what happens when a relationship that has been there through massive life events ends up not being quite right. But today's post isn't just about that. It's about how we each need to protect and care for ourselves, so we're able to listen to that still small voice, and so we can act on it when we need to.

About a month before our scheduled wedding in July, I was rushed by ambulance to a hospital three hours away for emergency surgery to remove a tumor the size of a raquetball from my brain.

Less than a week before that, I had told my fiancé that I had doubts about marrying him.

It took tremendous courage for me to admit to my fiance the questions that had plagued me since we became engaged. When I grew violently ill the morning after telling him—the first dramatic sign of things to come—I became completely dependent on the person whose world I had just shattered.

It was not a good summer.

My takeaway message? Sometimes you have to dig really deep into yourself, into really painful places, to find that voice telling you the next move to make. Other times you need to have patience and listen.

We moved to a new city about a year ago so he could take a job offer and I could pursue my dream of going into business for myself. We rented a charming house in a historic neighborhood. We befriended the neighbors. I picked up one solid freelance client and a few months later landed another. He enjoyed his job far more than the one he left. We spent weekends hiking in nearby mountains and checking out different parts of town. At first we were very, very happy.

The move came at a difficult point for us. We had been together almost six years, and we were both feeling somewhat burnt out on our jobs, our living situation, and the high cost of renting where we did. The new city was three hours away and took care of all of those problems. Deep down I prayed that it was the outside issues, not him, that were fueling my discontent. I hoped he was who I was taking my frustrations out on, not the source of them. We ramped up planning for our wedding.

Slowly I realized, no. With those old issues fixed, I could no longer pass my unhappiness off on something else. I had to address our relationship.

We got together in 2005, right before I was diagnosed with a disease that causes fast-moving organ failure. (Yeah. Seriously.) He held my hand while I had IV treatments that left me sick for three days; he kissed my skin after I injected medicine; he humored my cooking while I endured different diets. Finally, he slept on the floor of my hospital room the night after I had a transplant in 2007. I felt so lucky. I had heard nightmares of husbands who abandoned their wives when the women became sick. I didn’t have one of those guys. Mine brought me pizza in bed.

For two years I was blissful. I felt better and stronger. I grew tomatoes in the back yard and we vacationed in the Canadian Rockies. I couldn't wait to get married. Then, for lack of a better analogy, I began to understand how allies who fight together to conquer an evil foe then fight each other. We were partners in the fight against my illness. After that, our differences became too much. We tried so hard to save it. We got engaged. We went to one counselor after another. We fought and cried. We took new jobs and moved three hours away. In the end, I felt like the car windshield wipers that start out in time with your song and then slowly go completely off.

We cancelled our wedding because I had my skull cut open and a tumor taken out of my head. We never rescheduled. I moved out the week before Thanksgiving. Continue reading Calling Off A Wedding After Illness

Posted in: The Hard Stuff | 51 Comments »

Dec 2011

Living Through Abuse To Trust Another Day

Today's post is about a deeply important subject, one that I've seen play out for so many people close to me. It's about learning to trust again after an abusive relationship. It's about the hope that things can get better and the bravery of knowing when to leave. If this helps just one of you leave, or heal, or take one step down the path to wholeness, it will be worth all of Jamaica's bravery in writing about it. And even if this has nothing to do with your life experiences, it's one to take into your heart and ponder.

There’s always a chance of rain in Portland. Scant hours before our wedding on the morning of September 17th, 2011, Mitchell and I sipped coffee in a corner café and watched the water begin to crease the window panes. We were calm, and surprisingly, it didn’t feel like a reaction before a storm. I think we were shocking my mom; she looked for any disappointment that the planned backyard wedding was a muddy bust. Nope. Acceptance. What will be will be, and moisture is a fact of life in the Pacific Northwest.

It’s now been over two months since that morning, and what I keep realizing is that Mitchell and I had the perfect wedding.

We compressed all twenty five guests into the living room of our dear friends; Mitchell’s honorary uncle Glen wrote and performed the ceremony; we read thoughts on love and connection from Douglas Adams, Carl Sagan, and Ranier Maria Rilke; we ate lemon-blueberry buckle (yum!) and played word games (more yum!); and we were ourselves.

The big question going into planning a wedding event was how to tailor the day for two compassionate and crude introverted nerds who are madly in love, who love quiet and tea, and who both feel extremely close with their family and friends (introverted, but not shy!). A mix of happy accident, mindful planning, and setting gentle but firm boundaries about what we would and would not do ended up creating a really good day. A day, may I note, with an awesome party favor: Mitchell was now my husband.

Ever since that day, I keep getting asked a variation on the question “How is married life?” And I keep wondering what exactly is different, or whether it should it be different. Should I have something new to say? Mitchell and I bonded over silent movie trivia more than five years ago, we kissed for the first time four years ago, and we’ve been living together for two years and counting. We were committed in so many ways before that vow-laden smooch.

So… everything is… the same?

Not quite.

I’m pretty sure that voluntarily entering into a legal and emotional bond with another person, stating your promises in front of an adoring throng, is a different experience for every person that goes through it. Scuffing sand between my toes on our honeymoon on the Oregon Coast, I told Mitchell that, for me, it boils down to trust. What does being a wife mean to me? What does having a husband mean to me? I spent a lot of time thinking about these things in the six months leading up to an actual marriage ceremony. It means that I have trust in him, as the beautiful individual he is, to work at not screwing things up—between us or with respect to his own goals. I trust him to trust the same in me (hell, I trust me to trust the same in me). For me, marriage was the next step in a deeper faith with the world.

I stopped talking, digging my toes further into the sand and sand fleas. “Thinking about….?” my husband asked. My facial expression alone told him what stories in my past I was recalling. “Yeah,” I answered.

I originally began this post with a long ramble about “physical abuse,” ”rape,” or “emotional manipulation.” All are parts of the larger truth. Then I hit “delete.” This isn’t an exposé titled “All About The Awful Things That Have Happened to Me”; this is about what happened after.

Continue reading Living Through Abuse To Trust Another Day

Posted in: Reclaiming Wife, The Hard Stuff | 80 Comments »

Dec 2011

Wedding Dropout Plans a Wedding: A Play

This morning we talked about doing the hard work of calling off a wedding that's not right for you. So I'm beyond thrilled to give you Sara of The Meanest Look, the first woman to ever write about calling off her wedding for APW. Earlier this year, she told you about how in one of the hardest periods of her life, you guys helped her heal. And then she fell in love with the right guy and got knocked up. And today, I'm over the moon happy to announce that Sara is back (with the best post ever) to announce that she's... GETTING HITCHED. Yup. To the right guy this time! And I seriously could not be more proud about how Sara has healed herself, dealt with crazy surprises (A baby!), and grown to a glowingly happy place. (Did I mention that Sara is extensively quoted in the "Calling Off Your Wedding" sidebar in the APW book and signed the release form for me while in labor? She totally is. She totally did. Told you I was proud.)

Scene: A dimly lit stage. Woman takes center stage and looks straight at the audience.

Confession: my mom has been married 6 times. (She shakes head in both empathetic shame and disblief) Seriously.

I'm skittish about marriage because I've seen first-hand what a mountain of shit bad marriages can be.

That said, I do believe that good marriages exist and that I can be a part of one.

(Beat. She smiles.)

Mike and I got engaged! Yay! (A tenor of metafiction, specifically Poioumenon, becomes apparent as she recognizes being both the creation and part of a bigger production.)

Cue applause for me being an example that you shouldn't marry boys or girls that aren't right for you. Or don't. Because really, I'm no example. Just one very lucky girl.

And now it's time to plan a wedding.

(Beat.)

I'm actually beginning to think that Dylan Thomas' "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night" is actually a villanelle written about wedding planning. (She scans the audience for laughter) When you compare death with the consumption that is wedding planning—well, um, hmph. I think I may need an attitude adjustment.

Mike and I already have a rock solid relationship. We're a team and our baby family is unconquerable. Definitive statements I stand behind with a sword. So a party just seems like waste and fluff and time I don't have right now. (She knows in her heart that this is only half true, who doesn’t love a party?)

I’ve recently discovered one major reason so many ladies try to have babies AFTER they get hitched: you lose motivation to plan a party when you're making homemade baby food, working insane hours, cleaning the house (She stomps her feet while shouting: really, I have to Swiffer again! Where is this dust coming from?), forcing my baby to dress up like the Honey Badger,

maintaining friendships, still being a human and trying like hell to lose the last of this damned baby weight. (She violently shakes her flabby midsection to rouse laughter from the audience.)

And to be honest—and this is a secret you guys—(whispering) I sorta feel about weddings the same way I feel about theater. If I'm in the show, then holla! (She raises her hands joyously) let's make it the best ever, but I'm not really interested in sitting through any show I'm not in.

Pretty sure I just guaranteed myself a spot in wedding blog and theater hell. That's a thing, right?

Now that I'm in a relationship that I feel in my bones is unshakeable (she flexes her biceps and strikes an ironman pose), I have no compunction in delaying wedding planning. Maybe Meg will let me write a post again when Mike and I finally set a date. (She winks toward stage left*.)

*that’s where I assume Meg is

Photo by: From Sara's personal collection

Posted in: Wedding Undergraduates | 21 Comments »

Dec 2011

Calling Off Your Wedding—For Good

This weekend my friend Gabriel was teasing me about being a "Wedding Pusher" (which is totally fair, since I always call him a "Baby Pusher"). And after he basically dared me to put our conversation on the blog (sucker), it occurred to me that we hadn't recently discussed just how much I'm not a wedding or marriage pusher. I started writing about weddings and marriages because as I was going through the process of getting hitched, I found that the cultural dialogue around these events was so f*cked up it was actually deeply damaging. So here I am, years later, making a living talking about weddings. But I don't thing everyone needs to get married or have a wedding. I think that getting married at the wrong time, or to the wrong person, can be one of the most destructive choices you can make. So I'm honored to have Morgan (who wrote about her wedding after her Dad's death, and contributed to the APW book) here talking about the wedding she called off. Not to ruin the plot, but she's now happily married and happily pregnant, so things turned out better than fine. Here is wishing those of you who know you need to end things the strength do go forward with grace.

Calling off my engagement was one of the best things I ever did. Also one of the hardest. I met my ex, who we’ll call X, in second year university. Within weeks we were dating and before long we were in love and planning the rest of our lives together. He was my first love, and he seemed like the answer to what I’d always wanted: smart, funny, cute, and made me feel loved and wanted. For a long time, that was enough.

Things were never perfect, but I spent a lot of time chalking that up to the fact that nothing in life is ever perfect. It took me a long time to realize how not perfect things actually were. I hate to give Cosmopolitan magazine any credit, but I remember reading about how a man treats a waiter and his mother is how he will eventually treat you. Our first fight was about the terrible way he treated his mother, the dysfunction in how his family treated each other, and my subsequent fear of him treating me that way. We had variations on this same fight (adding in how his family treated me) for six years. At length, and at volume, and with cascades of my tears. And yes, of course he ended up treating me the same way.

We bought a house a year out of university. We had joint bank accounts. We were heading for marriage, and yet something in me kept holding back. Every time he’d talk wedding, I’d stall. I wanted to: live together for a while; buy a house; get more settled at work; pay off debt to his parents… It didn’t feel like stalling but the gut reaction was a small "not yet."

He went to the Middle East to work, and I went over to visit him a few months later. I was half expecting for him to end the relationship, but instead, he proposed. I had been awake for over fifty-four hours at that point, and I don’t remember the proposal. I do remember that the ring was everything I had specifically told him that I did not want, and that he had this mean fake out proposal plan that he could only half go through. (In therapy, meanness and ignoring my feelings came up as recurring themes.)

Two days after I got back to Canada, I had my first all day panic attack. I took to my bed and didn’t leave in until it was time for work the next day. The thought of planning a wedding with X’s insane family undid me. X’s father was only barely on speaking terms with me, but he was strangely forceful about the need to immediately start wedding planning—for a wedding twenty three months in the future! And I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t cope with the panic attacks and the drinking I had started to do to quell them, and I ended up in therapy. It was strangely useless, and I spent a ton of time stating that it wasn’t marrying X that I was worried about—I was worried about marrying into X’s toxic family. Which was, of course, a major issue, but ignored all the issues between me and X.

I’ll skip past several months of complicated drama. It had become clearer that I probably had to end the relationship, and he could tell how I felt. So he crashed his car into a parked tow truck on a Saudi highway going over 120km/h. He lived and tried to use his injuries to manipulate me into getting married after all. Sadly, that wasn’t even the final straw. The final straw happened the day of the long distance fight where he screamed at me and called me stupid (speaking with his father’s voice). And only then, after years of conflict and strain, did I finally realize it absolutely had to be over. The writing, as I emailed to a friend, “was ALL OVER THE WALLS IN CAPSLOCK” and had been for a long time. Even I could finally see it. The good (and there was a lot good in our relationship, or else it wouldn’t have lasted for almost seven years) was constantly being smothered in red flags and warning signs. Continue reading Calling Off Your Wedding—For Good

Posted in: The Hard Stuff, Wedding Undergraduates | 68 Comments »

Aug 2011

Calling Off Your Wedding & Staying Together

Since Sara first bravely brought up the subject of calling off her wedding on APW more than a year ago, we've talked a lot about what calling off your wedding might look like and when you might need to make this decision. We've also, thanks to Sara, talked about how making the right decision for you can allow great joy to grow out of pain. So today I'm beyond honored to share a post from a couple, Tyler and Kathryn, about jointly calling off their wedding, but not choosing to end their relationship. I've been thinking a lot lately about what a marriage, or a relationship, looks like when navigating the truly hard stuff. I've been thinking about how we grow and fight and change, often together, often in really unexpected ways. Today Tyler and Kathryn walk us through how that worked for them and how they're still navigating, bravely.

Calling off a wedding can often mean the bitter end of an entire relationship. At least, that’s how we’ve always seen it played out with others. Because if you don’t have things figured out by that point, then you probably don’t need to get married anyway, right?

…and then there’s us.

We are Tyler and Kathryn. And we called off our wedding.

But maybe we should back up just a little. We met in college and went from friends to best friends to two people falling head over heels for each other. After graduation we both applied to grad schools all over the country. We knew we would rather be together, but seeing each other achieve dreams and goals was important. So we cast our fates to the wind (or, rather, selection committees) and were accepted by great grad programs. Four hours apart. We were just so darn happy to be attending grad schools in the same state that we took it!

{Tyler} When thinking about proposing to Kathryn in August 2009, I was terrified, only because I’m a major planner, and I don’t like taking risks. But as I researched rings and started to make plans I became more and more confident in my decision to marry her. But our relationship was under strain because of distance, and Kathryn’s health began to decline.

But again, we went for it. We got engaged the day after Christmas in beautiful downtown Pittsburgh! We celebrated and made plans and looked forward to the life we would share together. As far as our wedding went, we planned something small on the deck of a favorite restaurant. Over the span of a year-long engagement we had some incredible times. But we also had fights about guest lists and who would pay for which invitations for what reception and how we would even work out the postage. Maybe you have had those kinds of conversations, too?

But the conversations we weren't having were far more important.

Continue reading Calling Off Your Wedding & Staying Together

Posted in: The Hard Stuff | 47 Comments »