Posts Tagged ‘Calling Off Your Wedding’

Mar 2013

Rachel: WedMD

Today I’m thrilled to introduce the first post from Rachel Wilkerson as an official member of the 2013 intern program. But Rachel herself needs no introduction to this community. You already know her from all of the smart, funny, totally on point contributions she’s made to APW in the past on topics like “Changing Your Name in the Age of Google,” chores and feminism, and separating out the fantasy from the reality of wedding planning. Today Rachel is back with her signature wit, and she’s here with a cure for what ails us.

—Maddie

So, there’s cold and flu season and there’s engagement season, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that they occur at the same time. I’m quickly learning that wedding planning can make even the most practical people sick. Since Eric and I began wedding planning, I’ve definitely found myself feeling a bit sniffly and feverish, but I think I was just experiencing common pre-nuptial ailments. Here are some of the ones Eric and I have come down with thus far.

Diagnosis: Inarticulitis.

Symptoms: Strong dislike for something, which is made apparent not through words (ever), but through an unmistakable facial expression wherein the afflicted looks as though he has just simultaneously smelled something awful and seen a homeless puppy foraging for food in a trash can. When you ask what’s wrong, he will always answer, “Nothing. It’s just…nothing. I don’t know…no, it’s nothing.” And then make the starving-puppy-stink-face again.

A case study:

I suspected Eric had inarticulitis even at the earliest stages of our wedding planning. I had told him before we were engaged that I didn’t have any interest in a traditional wedding, nor did I have the funds to pay for said traditional wedding, so I just wanted to go to city hall with close family and friends. He said that he was totally on board with that, but…well, there was always some kind of a “but” during these conversations. He told me repeatedly that he didn’t care about the details of our wedding, that I was free to do whatever I wanted…and yet, time and again, I’d casually mention my thoughts on something (usually something practical in favor of something WIC-sanctioned) and he’d make the face, somehow managing to look both devastated and disgusted at the same time. But when I’d ask him to tell me what was on his mind, he couldn’t tell me what he wanted or why he wanted it…he wouldn’t even admit to having an opinion.

Eric and I both have suffered from bouts of inarticulitis throughout our wedding conversations, mainly because our culture makes weddings the pinnacle of our social, romantic, and adult lives…and then openly mocks anyone who has a strong opinion on said wedding or who goes to battle over the details. It can be really hard to own that you care.

I knew for certain he was suffering from inarticulitis the day I suggested we have pie instead of cake if a cake was going to cost more than the $500 we had budgeted for it. That day, instead of the face I got a loud, snippy, “Well, jeez, Rachel, I’m not sure by the end of this weekend if people are even going to know we had a wedding.” I was so taken aback by his strong feelings (and slightly outrageous assertion) that I actually laughed; I mean, it’s hard to deny you care about your wedding when you’re losing your shit over pastries. The fever had broken! (Until the topic of whether or not to have a DJ came up, anyway.)

****

Diagnosis: Irritable Budget Syndrome.

A case study:

Sticking to a budget when you’re planning a wedding doesn’t just magically happen, so some level of IBS seems normal. But my Irritable Budget Syndrome escalated when it became clear that we couldn’t plan the wedding Eric was now sort of admitting he really wanted at the (totally wonderful and really quite affordable so I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED) venue we’d already booked in northern Michigan without us contributing a lot more than we’d agreed to to make it happen…and even then, we were going to have to be pretty aggressive with both saving and sticking to our budget. Plus I was also staring down the barrel of hot glue gun as I realized how much decorating we’d be doing ourselves, something we have neither the time nor the talent for. The whole thing was quite literally making me feel sick. Continue reading Rachel: WedMD

Posted in: Planning, Wedding Undergraduates | 88 Comments »

Aug 2012

Why (Sometimes) Wedding Planning Isn’t Worth It

One of my favorite things about APW posts these days is that we’re able to approach a subject from a whole variety of different angles in a way we were never able to when I was the single voice on the site. The best part of that is when two people approach a subject from opposite directions and end up with conclusions that are similar in spirit. That’s just how I feel about Sarah’s post on why wedding planning isn’t worth it, and my post on why wedding planning is worth it. In the end, I think we learned the same lessons (though her post has the sassiest little kid picture ever, so she wins everything). Also, I love posts about people who hated wedding planning, or their weddings, because I want destroy the cultural myth that all women love their weddings. Let’s do it.

Last weekend was supposed to be our wedding. It was going to be beautiful, tucked away in the mountains of North Carolina, a homemade celebration of love full to the brim with perfectly poured over details. But it was not our wedding. And as that Saturday came and passed, I found myself filling with joy and reassurance that the wedding I had loved and planned for that day was not for me after all. And I realized too that it was only in the conscious act of not planning a wedding that we found the celebration of marriage we were truly looking for.

Before I go on, let me say that I LOVE weddings. At first, even the minutest details of planning were completely thrilling. I could spend hours on end gazing at lace, searching Pinterest with phrases like “vintage rustic” and “ethereal bridal up-do” while diligently scrapbooking all my brilliant whims. Wedding blogs took the place of hardcovers and to this day, when a Save the Date arrives in the mail, I get downright giddy. I still love weddings—but am so happy that we’re not having one.

Of course, I knew from the first time “I hate this wedding” came out of my mouth that I wasn’t unique. Hadn’t every married person I know hated their wedding at some point during the planning process? Hadn’t I spent countless hours calming my best friend as she haggled and stressed, fulfilling my duty as MOH with pure faith that it would all be worth it? I knew that wedding planning was supposed to be hard and so in the beginning we persevered without so much as a second thought.

And then my dad got sick. Really sick. And I found myself loading and unloading my little Honda for the twelve hour drives to Florida with great frequency, each time wondering if it could, once again, be my last. And somewhere during those months of back and forth, in the midst of arguing with insurance companies and pleading with nurses and waiting for the doctor to ever call me back, the assault of stress and heartache and frustration that we thought was par for the course in wedding planning began to feel personal.

It wasn’t just that I hated the wedding planning; it was that I had started to despise the wedding itself. All the things that I had poured over—the perfect little centerpieces and the homemade menu and the inscribed antique spoon favors I had loved so much—they started to seem downright offensive. The very thought of thinking about these details on the same day and in the same headspace as thinking about my vows and making an eternal commitment to the love of my life now felt almost grotesque. Gracious friends offered to chip in and do the event planning for us, but it wasn’t just that we couldn’t think about it ourselves; it was that we couldn’t imagine anyone thinking about napkins and flower arrangements on the same day we were committing to build a life together. Continue reading Why (Sometimes) Wedding Planning Isn’t Worth It

Posted in: Planning, The Hard Stuff | 43 Comments »

Apr 2012

Wedding Graduates: Diana & Joey

*Diana, PR/Marketing Manager & Joey, Senior Project Manager*

You guys, here is the mother of all “Change of Plans” posts. Diana & Joey were planning a big wedding, because, well, that’s what you do, right? And then they realized they didn’t want a big wedding. And they had the nerve to call the whole thing off and plan a courthouse wedding with immediate family, in just six weeks. And the amazing thing? All those guests that were suddenly not coming to the big wedding? They were thrilled. So let’s talk about listening to your gut, and doing what you really need.

Joey and I met in 1999. I was 15, he was a day shy of 18, and within a month we were boyfriend and girlfriend. We kept those titles for the next 11 years.

Cue the infamous question—“What took you so long to get married?”

We’ll put aside the fact that we were babies when we met, with high school to finish, college to graduate from and careers to figure out, and I’ll tell you that marriage just wasn’t a top priority for us, which I think is hard for some people to understand. It wasn’t that we weren’t completely committed to one another. We bought a house together, and a dog…and then another dog. We were committed; we were creating a life together and figured we’d get married when it felt right for us.

Before we got engaged, we talked about getting married at the courthouse, keeping it simple, maybe even eloping. But then the love of my life put that blasted ring on my finger in March of 2011 and I lost myself (and my mind) for a little bit.

Everyone was so happy for us. I was consumed by the outpouring of love and excitement. The funny thing is that up until that point, we played by our own rules. We did what made us happy and what felt right for us as a couple, but now I felt like what would make us happy (simple, no fuss wedding), would make others unhappy. I was trapped by my people pleasing ways.

Continue reading Wedding Graduates: Diana & Joey

Posted in: Wedding Graduates | 57 Comments »

Feb 2012

Calling Off A Wedding After Illness

At its core, I always hope that APW is about listening to that tiny voice inside you that tells you who you are and what’s right for you. So this week, as we are exploring health and illness and how it affects our relationships, it seemed like the perfect time for this post. Today’s anonymous post is about being in a relationship and surviving a brain tumor. But it’s also about what happens when a relationship that has been there through massive life events ends up not being quite right. But today’s post isn’t just about that. It’s about how we each need to protect and care for ourselves, so we’re able to listen to that still small voice, and so we can act on it when we need to.

About a month before our scheduled wedding in July, I was rushed by ambulance to a hospital three hours away for emergency surgery to remove a tumor the size of a raquetball from my brain.

Less than a week before that, I had told my fiancé that I had doubts about marrying him.

It took tremendous courage for me to admit to my fiance the questions that had plagued me since we became engaged. When I grew violently ill the morning after telling him—the first dramatic sign of things to come—I became completely dependent on the person whose world I had just shattered.

It was not a good summer.

My takeaway message? Sometimes you have to dig really deep into yourself, into really painful places, to find that voice telling you the next move to make. Other times you need to have patience and listen.

We moved to a new city about a year ago so he could take a job offer and I could pursue my dream of going into business for myself. We rented a charming house in a historic neighborhood. We befriended the neighbors. I picked up one solid freelance client and a few months later landed another. He enjoyed his job far more than the one he left. We spent weekends hiking in nearby mountains and checking out different parts of town. At first we were very, very happy.

The move came at a difficult point for us. We had been together almost six years, and we were both feeling somewhat burnt out on our jobs, our living situation, and the high cost of renting where we did. The new city was three hours away and took care of all of those problems. Deep down I prayed that it was the outside issues, not him, that were fueling my discontent. I hoped he was who I was taking my frustrations out on, not the source of them. We ramped up planning for our wedding.

Slowly I realized, no. With those old issues fixed, I could no longer pass my unhappiness off on something else. I had to address our relationship.

We got together in 2005, right before I was diagnosed with a disease that causes fast-moving organ failure. (Yeah. Seriously.) He held my hand while I had IV treatments that left me sick for three days; he kissed my skin after I injected medicine; he humored my cooking while I endured different diets. Finally, he slept on the floor of my hospital room the night after I had a transplant in 2007. I felt so lucky. I had heard nightmares of husbands who abandoned their wives when the women became sick. I didn’t have one of those guys. Mine brought me pizza in bed.

For two years I was blissful. I felt better and stronger. I grew tomatoes in the back yard and we vacationed in the Canadian Rockies. I couldn’t wait to get married. Then, for lack of a better analogy, I began to understand how allies who fight together to conquer an evil foe then fight each other. We were partners in the fight against my illness. After that, our differences became too much. We tried so hard to save it. We got engaged. We went to one counselor after another. We fought and cried. We took new jobs and moved three hours away. In the end, I felt like the car windshield wipers that start out in time with your song and then slowly go completely off.

We cancelled our wedding because I had my skull cut open and a tumor taken out of my head. We never rescheduled. I moved out the week before Thanksgiving. Continue reading Calling Off A Wedding After Illness

Posted in: The Hard Stuff | 51 Comments »

Dec 2011

Living Through Abuse To Trust Another Day

Today’s post is about a deeply important subject, one that I’ve seen play out for so many people close to me. It’s about learning to trust again after an abusive relationship. It’s about the hope that things can get better and the bravery of knowing when to leave. If this helps just one of you leave, or heal, or take one step down the path to wholeness, it will be worth all of Jamaica‘s bravery in writing about it. And even if this has nothing to do with your life experiences, it’s one to take into your heart and ponder.

There’s always a chance of rain in Portland. Scant hours before our wedding on the morning of September 17th, 2011, Mitchell and I sipped coffee in a corner café and watched the water begin to crease the window panes. We were calm, and surprisingly, it didn’t feel like a reaction before a storm. I think we were shocking my mom; she looked for any disappointment that the planned backyard wedding was a muddy bust. Nope. Acceptance. What will be will be, and moisture is a fact of life in the Pacific Northwest.

It’s now been over two months since that morning, and what I keep realizing is that Mitchell and I had the perfect wedding.

We compressed all twenty five guests into the living room of our dear friends; Mitchell’s honorary uncle Glen wrote and performed the ceremony; we read thoughts on love and connection from Douglas Adams, Carl Sagan, and Ranier Maria Rilke; we ate lemon-blueberry buckle (yum!) and played word games (more yum!); and we were ourselves.

The big question going into planning a wedding event was how to tailor the day for two compassionate and crude introverted nerds who are madly in love, who love quiet and tea, and who both feel extremely close with their family and friends (introverted, but not shy!). A mix of happy accident, mindful planning, and setting gentle but firm boundaries about what we would and would not do ended up creating a really good day. A day, may I note, with an awesome party favor: Mitchell was now my husband.

Ever since that day, I keep getting asked a variation on the question “How is married life?” And I keep wondering what exactly is different, or whether it should it be different. Should I have something new to say? Mitchell and I bonded over silent movie trivia more than five years ago, we kissed for the first time four years ago, and we’ve been living together for two years and counting. We were committed in so many ways before that vow-laden smooch.

So… everything is… the same?

Not quite.

I’m pretty sure that voluntarily entering into a legal and emotional bond with another person, stating your promises in front of an adoring throng, is a different experience for every person that goes through it. Scuffing sand between my toes on our honeymoon on the Oregon Coast, I told Mitchell that, for me, it boils down to trust. What does being a wife mean to me? What does having a husband mean to me? I spent a lot of time thinking about these things in the six months leading up to an actual marriage ceremony. It means that I have trust in him, as the beautiful individual he is, to work at not screwing things up—between us or with respect to his own goals. I trust him to trust the same in me (hell, I trust me to trust the same in me). For me, marriage was the next step in a deeper faith with the world.

I stopped talking, digging my toes further into the sand and sand fleas. “Thinking about….?” my husband asked. My facial expression alone told him what stories in my past I was recalling. “Yeah,” I answered.

I originally began this post with a long ramble about “physical abuse,” ”rape,” or “emotional manipulation.” All are parts of the larger truth. Then I hit “delete.” This isn’t an exposé titled “All About The Awful Things That Have Happened to Me”; this is about what happened after.

Continue reading Living Through Abuse To Trust Another Day

Posted in: Reclaiming Wife, The Hard Stuff | 81 Comments »

Dec 2011

Wedding Dropout Plans a Wedding: A Play

This morning we talked about doing the hard work of calling off a wedding that’s not right for you. So I’m beyond thrilled to give you Sara of The Meanest Look, the first woman to ever write about calling off her wedding for APW. Earlier this year, she told you about how in one of the hardest periods of her life, you guys helped her heal. And then she fell in love with the right guy and got knocked up. And today, I’m over the moon happy to announce that Sara is back (with the best post ever) to announce that she’s… GETTING HITCHED. Yup. To the right guy this time! And I seriously could not be more proud about how Sara has healed herself, dealt with crazy surprises (A baby!), and grown to a glowingly happy place. (Did I mention that Sara is extensively quoted in the “Calling Off Your Wedding” sidebar in the APW book and signed the release form for me while in labor? She totally is. She totally did. Told you I was proud.)

Scene: A dimly lit stage. Woman takes center stage and looks straight at the audience.

Confession: my mom has been married 6 times. (She shakes head in both empathetic shame and disblief) Seriously.

I’m skittish about marriage because I’ve seen first-hand what a mountain of shit bad marriages can be.

That said, I do believe that good marriages exist and that I can be a part of one.

(Beat. She smiles.)

Mike and I got engaged! Yay! (A tenor of metafiction, specifically Poioumenon, becomes apparent as she recognizes being both the creation and part of a bigger production.)

Cue applause for me being an example that you shouldn’t marry boys or girls that aren’t right for you. Or don’t. Because really, I’m no example. Just one very lucky girl.

And now it’s time to plan a wedding.

(Beat.)

I’m actually beginning to think that Dylan Thomas’ “Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night” is actually a villanelle written about wedding planning. (She scans the audience for laughter) When you compare death with the consumption that is wedding planning—well, um, hmph. I think I may need an attitude adjustment.

Mike and I already have a rock solid relationship. We’re a team and our baby family is unconquerable. Definitive statements I stand behind with a sword. So a party just seems like waste and fluff and time I don’t have right now. (She knows in her heart that this is only half true, who doesn’t love a party?)

I’ve recently discovered one major reason so many ladies try to have babies AFTER they get hitched: you lose motivation to plan a party when you’re making homemade baby food, working insane hours, cleaning the house (She stomps her feet while shouting: really, I have to Swiffer again! Where is this dust coming from?), forcing my baby to dress up like the Honey Badger,

maintaining friendships, still being a human and trying like hell to lose the last of this damned baby weight. (She violently shakes her flabby midsection to rouse laughter from the audience.)

And to be honest—and this is a secret you guys—(whispering) I sorta feel about weddings the same way I feel about theater. If I’m in the show, then holla! (She raises her hands joyously) let’s make it the best ever, but I’m not really interested in sitting through any show I’m not in.

Pretty sure I just guaranteed myself a spot in wedding blog and theater hell. That’s a thing, right?

Now that I’m in a relationship that I feel in my bones is unshakeable (she flexes her biceps and strikes an ironman pose), I have no compunction in delaying wedding planning. Maybe Meg will let me write a post again when Mike and I finally set a date. (She winks toward stage left*.)

*that’s where I assume Meg is

Photo by: From Sara’s personal collection

Posted in: Wedding Undergraduates | 21 Comments »