Politics arise around weddings—it’s a fact of life. Unsurprisingly, most cultures and classes approach weddings in vastly different ways. If you are planning a wedding you have probably wondered what your choices seem to signal about you. Do you register for China? Do you have a small wedding? Do you have a religious ceremony? Do you have cake? Suddenly these choices, however small and inconsequential, seem huge! Like a declaration of eternal loyalty. China or Honeyfund? Priest or friend? DJ or iPod? Cake or Pie? Gale or Peeta? Answer me! GALE OR PEETA?!! It starts to feel like your wedding is, in fact, a coming out party for your new family, representing your culture, class, politics, and social allegiances forever and ever, till death do you part.
Of course, you and your partner can probably handle it. Together you expertly negotiated the Chinese/Pizza Delivery Crisis of 2012, but I’ve got a newsflash for you (in case no one informed you yet…): Your wedding is not about you. At least, not just about you. In all likelihood, your families are going to want to get in on the action. They are dying to freak out about what your wedding says about them. Did they just turn into controlling monsters? Probably not, though weddings can have that effect on some people. In all reality, your families are likely suffering from a combination of tradition-iphilis and MAH-BAYBEE disease.
Yep, tradition. That bastard is at it again. (We aren’t friends.) I am sure you have a vague notion of how weddings used to go, but maybe you think that is ancient history and no one expects it anymore? Wrong! Do you know how old your parents are? Do you know how old your grandparents are? Hello! That’s how far back their values and experiences may go (depending on how progressive they are… or how forgetful). Back then, many people got married younger, and due to funds, maturity, social connections, and tradition, families played a much bigger role in hosting weddings. If you are the host, your child’s wedding does reflect on you, and if you are the host, you get to invite everyone and anyone you want. So your mom demanding to invite all her work buddies and your dad requesting a steak dinner are not because they are making a deranged attempt to hijack your wedding—but rather because their experiences have likely told them that your wedding is their party too.
Things are further complicated these days when some families still contribute to, or fully fund, their child’s wedding, even though the role of host has changed hands. Money and family can be a tricky thing to navigate on an average day, and throwing wedding planning into the mix isn’t going to make it any easier. As a general rule: The person paying calls the shots, but ultimately this depends on your relationship. Sometimes there is enough respect that even if the person gifting the money disagrees with the couple’s choices they will still maintain support. Other times… not so much.
Which brings me to my next point: Your loved ones do love you. That is part of why they may be acting up around your wedding. Depending on your age and independence, your wedding represents a major transition. For some it’s a crossover into full adulthood, but for all it’s the official establishment of a new family—you and your spouse. You will officially be each other’s Number One. It likely won’t be Mom or Dad on the in-case-of-emergency or beneficiary forms anymore, and they are no longer guaranteed their say in big purchases or Major Life Decisions™. Some of these changes had maybe already begun in a natural way before you started planning your wedding, but that doesn’t mean nostalgia won’t hit your family like a dump truck. Your parents/family are used to parenting you, and in many ways, that is coming to an end. So they may freak out a little and express their discomfort with this change in unfortunate ways, like trying to convince you that you’ll regret your wedding choices. But remember, they do love you.
There may be situations where this “nostalgia allowance” won’t be relevant. Maybe it’s about the guest list, maybe it’s the food you want to serve, maybe it’s the ceremony—it doesn’t particularly matter. You and your sweetheart have made a decision, and are getting pushback that you are “doing your wedding wrong.” Here’s the method we came up with for handling our families when they are being traditional loving pains in the ass:
1. Present your decision. If you are already/still disagreeing, then this part did not go over very well. Did you explain? Did you let loved ones ask questions? Did you address their concerns? Did you hear their side and consider alternatives?
2. Reevaluate. Take as much time as you need to think it over and talk it through with your spouse-to-be. You absolutely want to be on the same page before one or both of you makes any attempt to revisit the issue with your loved ones. Try to flip the situation around and question it from different angles. Is there any room for compromise or alternative avenues to resolve things? If so, bring them forth. If not, take this time to further establish a reasonable argument for your position and make it easy to understand.
3. Re-present your decision. Hopefully this either results in acceptance or compromise (see 4A); however, if new ideas or information are thrown into the mix, you may need to return to Step 2. If, on the other hand, you cannot reach an understanding, it may be time to agree to disagree and close the conversation (see 4B).
4a. Resolution. If things have gone well, it is time to move on. Try not to linger on the decision that has been made, and if necessary, encourage your family to move forward as well. There is probably more to do, and future items may present new opportunities for a shared vision of your wedding.
4b. If things go South. If things have gone badly, it is also time to move on and encourage your family to do the same. Try to emotionally let go of the dispute so it does not color future planning.
5. Boundaries. If your family persists in trying to reopen the issue, you need to enforce boundaries. Assuming those you are in dispute with are not paying for your wedding, remember that ultimately this is your decision to make as a couple. Setting boundaries is the hard part, but you will save yourselves lots of heartache if you are consistent.
A Note on Managing Stress: Disagreements with family around planning your wedding can be very stressful for you and/or your future spouse. You are partially breaking ties with your family of origin, partially building ties with your spouse-to-be’s family, and making official a family of your own. It is A LOT. Make sure you are practicing self care in the ways that work best for you. If your stress is becoming unmanageable, don’t be afraid to seek assistance from a counselor.
At some point when you are in the thick of it, you may feel like wedding planning is just one long exercise in negotiating family dynamics instead of the celebration it’s meant to be. If you hit this cynical low of wedding politicking, try to check out. Focus on how lovely and quiet your life will be after the wedding with your new spouse. And finally, if everything becomes too much, just remember this: You can always elope.
