Ask Team Practical: Keeping the Fun In Your Marriage

Today Alyssa is back with Ask Team Practical Friday, talking about fun in marriage (and good sex). Because yes, both totally exist. Also, while I’m at it, I should clue you in on a little secret. Alyssa has started up her own blog called Kind of a Mess, where she’s hilarious every day of the week. I’ve been bugging her to do this for well over a year, since back when she was what David called “Lysachelle, Meg’s biggest fan!” and when I would cry about my blog re-launch he would tell me, “Don’t worry, Lysachelle will still read it!” Anyway, now we know Lysachelle’s real name is Alyssa, and she’s hilarious in real life too, and she finally has her own blog. Except don’t read it now, because first you want to read her post, and share your secret marital fun. And then read it. Obviously.

Today’s question is a little different but more important than you’d think upon first reading.

A. asks, “I see a lot of talk about the seriousness of marriage and how you’ll be and how important it is. But what about the fun?  My partner and I are fun, and we do a lot of great things together.  I’m worried that the fun will stop after marriage.  It’s not that I’m afraid of commitment or that marriage will change us.  But married couples just don’t seem too…fun. I don’t want marriage to make us (and our sex life) boring, like an old couple in a cafe who don’t speak to each other.”

Well, fun just depends on your attitude. Just the fact that you’re thinking about it makes it less likely to happen. If you expect to be old and boring when you get married, you probably will. But if you go into your marriage thinking, “A. and N. Super couple of awesomeness. This will not stop,” well then, the party should keep on rocking. Keep your relationship flexible to handle any natural changes, but if fun is your priority, then keep it at the top of your to-do list.

The problem is not that you might turn out to be un-fun, but that you might have some bad information about marriage. And at APW, clearing up misconceptions is what we do best.

It wasn’t clear from your letter what kind of fun you mean, but keep in mind that fun is subjective. Your fun is not going to be another couple’s fun, so don’t compare yourself or look to others to judge your relationship. Especially since you only view snippets of other people’s relationships at any given time. That old couple in the cafe? There is a distinct chance that they finish up their nice silent brunch, and then run home and strip down buck nekkid and play canasta. Your fun is not their fun. (Editors note: or IS it?)

Decide what kind of fun you want. Maybe you want to sail around the world (or maybe you really don’t, I’m not sure I do, I just want to read about it). Maybe you want to buy chickens. Maybe you want to read decorating magazines next to your husband on a hot summer day. Maybe you want to make your husband a boob cake (What? I just gratuitously linked to my new blog. Meg said it was ok. Deal with it.) Regardless, sit down and make yourself a list of what’s fun for you both.

And don’t feel like in order to be “fun” you need to be out all the time DOING something. Just like weddings, your fun with your honey needn’t always be spectacularly blog-worthy. I feel I really did learn about love from “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” Remember that scene where they’re lying in bed, smothering each other with a pillow? That was the WEIRDEST thing when I first saw it when I was single and dating. “WHAT are they doing? That’s so freaky,” said I, Miss Judy Judger.

But now? Now I realize that when you’re married (or even in a long-term relationship) and you spend LOADS of time with each other…you do weird crap. Things that you don’t think about and conversations that don’t faze you, but if someone suddenly opened a window into your life and peeked in, they’d be flabbergasted and possibly appalled. You develop strange inside jokes that are unexplainable. You find things that you enjoy together that you might never do by yourself or with friends. (That couple that talks about redoing their bathroom with excitement? They really are having fun.) There’s nothing wrong with being strange with each other. The best part of coupling up is that you can truly be yourself. That doesn’t make you guys weird. That makes you awesome. (Okay, and maybe a little weird.)

And the jokes about married sex being boring? LIES. Hello, sex with someone you’re madly in love with is good even when it’s mediocre. Plus, when you’re married, you get a chance to do the crazy sexy-time things that you always wanted to, but didn’t want to try for fear of ridicule from a partner who might bring it up to friends during a fight or on Facebook. But no longer. As a married woman, I’m free to step out of the bathroom nekkid and say, “I have been cleansed and shorn for you, my lord.  Feel free to do to my person what you will, just remember, I am but a maid.”  It’s totally okay.

Of course, your husband may be like mine and respond to this by looking up from his Xbox and saying, “HUH?  You’re butter made?  What the hell are you talking about?” Cause those crazy sexy-time things don’t always work out. And it’ll still be okay.

So don’t worry about losing the fun. Marriage, in and of itself, is fun. So’s not being married. You didn’t worry about you and your fiance being boring while dating, don’t worry about it changing when you’re married.

So Team Practical, let’s talk fun.  How do you keep it up in your marriage? What weird stuff is fun for you guys? Or, you know, what OBVIOUSLY entertaining stuff is fun for you (nekkid canasta)? Tell us about the hilarious and awesome parts of a often-taken-far-too-seriously institution.

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  • Cass

    My fiance talked me into snow-camping on Christmas Eve. And you know what? We had a hoot!
    It was 18°, there was 2 feet of snow, and the park was technically closed.
    But I would love to do it again!

  • Kat

    “I have been cleansed and shorn for you, my lord.” Hahaha. I love this post.

    • Ha ha, I laughed so hard at this part because it is exactly something that I would do, and get the same response only usually it’s a PS3 involved. :p

      • Yes! After several incidents ending with my hurt feelings, I learned that he *will not see me* (even if I’m nekkid) if he’s playing video games.

    • It is very difficult to muffle laughing THAT hard while sitting in my cubicle, but I managed it. Alyssa, you’re HILARIOUS.

    • For my fiance, it’s World of Warcraft…though nudity can often distract him- if only momentarily. Haha!

  • I think the key in keeping my marriage fun is to do new things together and to have a social life that exists outside of just the two of us. The lovely thing about marriage is the comfort and security it offers but on the flip side I think marriages become boring when both people get stuck in those routines and comfort zones. So to keep things fun we’ll take mini-vacations (camping, for example) and huge vacations (like trekking to Mt. Everest). Or we’ll try a new restaurant with friends and have new conversations.

    And the sex – just keep having it. Oh and our weird fun is to TRY and have the worst sex ever. It always ends up with us in tears because we’re laughing so hard and it never ends up being the worst ever.

    • YES to mini-vacations. Getting out of routine keeps our marriage fun. I like to always have a long weekend or a trip on the horizon.

      And trying to have the worst sex ever is hilarious.

      • I am a FREAK about weekend getaways. Or weekend roadtrips. if it’s 8 hours or less, I’m driving to it.

    • meg

      Yes. To all of this.

    • hoppy bunny

      Ah, ironic role-playing. It can get just *so* messed up. I love it.

    • “Oh and our weird fun is to TRY and have the worst sex ever. It always ends up with us in tears because we’re laughing so hard and it never ends up being the worst ever.”

      Will I be trying this? Maybe… Well, yeah, yeah I will.

  • You’re funny Alyssa

  • My boyfriend and I strive to gross each other out as we both have the sense of humor of a ten year old kid. Last night, he trapped me in a wrestling lockhold (or whatever you call it) and farted in my face. I escaped by pulling on his leg hair. He said, “Well played, my dear.”

    Yay, love!

  • Carreg

    That’s the funniest post … er ever? I shall think ‘I am butter made’ whenever I need to belly laugh. And perfect timing — we’re off to a festival this weekend.

    “but if someone suddenly opened a window into your life and peeked in, they’d be flabbergasted and possibly appalled. ”
    Ah. Ah, so not just us. Good.

  • epicstl

    9 months into marriage and we’re probably having more fun together than in our four years of dating. just living together means ridiculousness ensues on a regular basis. that, and a bathtub big enough for two. yup, that’s fun.
    (ps. hope its not too late to send an email w/ our wedding info and picture. i have a draft sitting there but haven’t had a chance to send yet)

  • Yes to all of this, and especially to not judging yourselves compared to other couples – it’s too easy to do that, even when it’s not based on much more than an outside observance. Oh, and the boob cake – I love it.
    We’ve had a fairly tough time since we got married in October 2009, in terms of quite a few sad things happening to people we love. And so we developed a little stash of fun “things” that we bring out for each other whenever the other is feeling a bit sad. Usually this involves nothing more than blowing enormous bubbles or lighting indoor sparklers – but that little bit of silly, slightly childish fun is really really needed on grey days.
    But fun takes so many forms – from having a regular Friday lunch date where we eat great food and drink beer to going for long walks, sitting in our favourite pub, or just dancing around the kitchen (my personal favourite) – and if anything, despite everything that the last year or so has thrown at us, married life is more fun than unmarried life, even if it is essentially the same.

    • Cass

      I love dancing around in the kitchen.
      Neither of us are dancers, but sometimes while we’re cooking dinner we take eachother in our arms and dance to imaginary music.

    • Caitlin

      I want to ‘exactly’ your comment 10 times. I so agree that the stash of fun things is so needed on darker days. Tragedy struck just a few days before our wedding and so the past 6 months have been rough, sad, hard. But I am amazed by how we sneak in the fun, how at the most random times I find us laughing so hard we’re crying because even in sadness my husband is still the most hysterical person I know. I love the unexpected moments of silly and that our fun is still found in such simple things. After being together for 9 years I didn’t think things would change that much when we were married, but it is the best feeling and I agree with you, I think we’re more fun married.

  • Jo

    I woke up this morning and thought “yay, Friday!” and then I thought “OMG! It’s ASK TEAM PRACTICAL DAY!” and then realized I was a giant nerd. But I’m still excited. Never lets me down. I’ll be reading comments all day!

    I was nervous about this because I’ve been in long term relationships where the fun faded, and I didn’t want that. But we both make an effort, and it works. (He’s eagerly concentrating on work and I run-by-flash-him. He makes muffins cut in half talk to me. We have ridiculous word-duels. When one of us gets fed up with this country, the other shrieks “SCANDINAVIA!” which makes the first dissolve in peals of laughter (shorthand for let’s move away and live someplace with socialized medicine and more equal pay and great ma/paternity leave). We have Iron Chef style cook-offs. We watch crazy TV like Mega Prianha and laugh hysterically. We geek out about home remodeling, beer, travel, politics, books, etc.)

    It’ll be what you want it to be. It was worth it to me to bring this worry up to my partner, and to talk about what would be red flags for us (grumping more than laughing means that one of us needs to shake things up. Try some run-by-nudity. Always works.) We’re building this our way, and it is ours.

    • Shelly

      Yes to the run-by-nudity. I’m currently in project “get curtains for our large living room picture windows” so that we can spread the fun into more of the house without freaking out the neighbors.

    • I am a huge fan of the run-by nudity.

    • Rizubunny

      You guys sound awesome. I googled “emigrating to Norway” yesterday and found that it’s not so easy, sadly :(

      BTW…Mega Python vs. Gatoroid is re-airing on March 15 at 9 PM. Just in case you missed it the first time like I did.

      • McPants

        “BTW…Mega Python vs. Gatoroid is re-airing on March 15 at 9 PM. Just in case you missed it the first time like I did.”

        This is crucial info; thank you! I’m so glad people love the awesomely terrible Sci-Fi channel movies the way we do. I think our favorite is still Ice Spiders 2. :)

        • Kendra

          Oh my goodness. How awesome. When I say that you-all remind me of my dad in your love of awful, awful Sci-Fi channel flicks, rest assured that is a compliment.

      • Jo

        Dude! So. fab.

        (Emigration to any of the really good places is difficult. Sad trombone.)

    • I love this comment so much. I would exactly it a million times if I could.

    • Chantelle

      I have a game that I play where we’ll be sitting on the couch watching a movie or something, and I’ll sneak one boob out of my shirt and sit there like nothing’s out of the ordinary…and then I win when he looks over :) Sadly this is more ridiculous than sexy.

      Other games I play (read, I vicitimize him regularly), whenever he bends over, I start mock humping him doggie style with enthusiasm, in the grocery store, outdoors, when his mom’s back is turned.

      So starting to do run by flashing!

      • Jo

        Are we maybe the same person? Because I do ALL of these things.

        • Chantelle

          LOL, that makes me feel so great to know I’m not the only one out there terrorizing my fiance!

          But seriously, it’s way easier to be funny than it is to be seductive…sometimes my goofiness works against me.
          And here I thought I was the original inventor of boob flash game!

          • You guys. This morning. Kamel made my breakfast TOTALLY NAKED. and every time I saw him in the kitchen and his bare, freshly showered (this is key) ass next to the stove, it made me smile. :) hehehehehehe. Is that a TMI? He may kill me for sharing this. And I’m totally stealing the one boob out of the shirt thing. STOLEN. DONE!

      • My mom reads here, so mom, turn away. Done the first one. Laughing right now just thinking about it.

      • I have a HORRID chest cold, and I want you to know I was BEYOND happy to cough for 60 seconds just because your comment made me laugh SO HARD. Love the one boob so much.

        • Jlaneday

          Can i exactly this a million times? cough…laugh…laugh..cough…cough…

      • Doggie humping from behind, especially while the man is trying to do something serious, like cut carrots, kills me every time. And him. Too damn funny.

    • I can’t wait until our other roommate finally moves out next week so I can introduce run-by-nudity into the fun (and selfishly so I can have an office)

      • meredythbyrd

        SAME! I love our roommate but definitely agree, things will be different when he’s gone… evil grin.
        Lauren’s story about naked (or as Alyssa and my mom say it: nekkid) breakfast made me think of a recent memory. My fiance did a strip tease to Thelonious Monk which ended up being the most ridiculous dance ever, with lots of butt shaking. Basically picture trying to DANCE to experimental jazz while also sexily removing articles of clothing. I was belly laughing.

        It’s these kinds of moments, and the silly conversations we have (not to mention the silly voices) that I love so much.

  • I just died laughing on a crowded metro car. Buttermade? Amazing.

    I think its perfect to remember that your fun is exactly that, and noone but the two of you need to understand it. I happen to be one of those people who finds joy in renovating a bathroom, so I know exactly what you mean.

    Love Ask Team Practical Fridays :)

  • We permanently installed a projector above our bed… that is hooked up to the computer. Had sofa pillows made for our bed. And spend a significant amount of time watching movies or playing old school video games propped in bed while eating sushi or ice cream that we had delivered. It’s kind of embarrassing when people asked you what you did on a Saturday night and your answer is eating ice cream in bed while playing pong but I swear it’s some of the best time we spend together.

    And you know what… honestly most everything we do together ends up being fun. But… I realize our relationship is pretty new at just 2 years and I realize that it might be harder after say 20 years and a few kids. I’d love to hear from people who are still having fun decades down the line…

    • Amy


      This is such a great idea.

      I have to go price projectors now…

    • Projector in the bedroom = genius! This would be the greatest thing to happen to my husband if we got one, I think. (Greatest thing after me, of course.) My friends probably wonder what’s happened to me, but playing video games with my husband is one of my favorite things ever.

    • hoppy bunny

      Been together 11 years (still not married yet). And yeah. Video games and ice cream in bed just don’t ever get old. Especially if you take it as seriously as having custom-made gamer pillows for your bed. SO loving that idea!

    • A projector on the ceiling and couch pillows? That sounds amazing, and made of win.

      • Alyssa

        And guaranteed to make me never leave the house. That’s the first step onto me realizing my fat kid dreams of doing absolutely everything from a bed and never leaving…

    • Alison

      I love that “your fun may not be our fun”, but I just sighed in relief that our fun is your fun too. I will no longer hold my ice-cream-and-movies-in-bed-on-a-Saturday-night head in shame.

  • abby_wan_kenobi

    Pants-free zone. No pants allowed unless you’re expecting company or about to pick up take-out. Endless fun comes from this. Aside from the obvious sexy fun that often results from two people sharing a sofa pantsless, it often turns into a game. “You’ve been arrested by the pants police for trespassing into a no-pants zone.” “Oh, I feel so ill, something must be terribly wrong – OH GOD I’VE GOT THE PANTS!! HELP!!” Ahem. Not that those things have ever happened. heh heh.

    • Ali

      hehe, I love this. My fiance’s nickname for me (one of many) is “pants”…lol

      • ME TOO!!!!! I’m so excited to hear that!

    • We have a pants-free zone too. It makes everything more fun.

    • Ashanne

      OMG. That is hilarious! When my little brother was about 5, we went to the beach (in Oregon, where the beaches are always, always cold and no one ever gets in the water) and (of course) he insisted on getting totally wet. His pants ended up in a plastic bag in the backseat on the way home and when we got pulled over later for speeding, my mom told him it was the No-Pants Police coming to give him a ticket. We still joke about it, much to his distress (he’s 21 now).

      Sorry, that was so not wedding related, but still amusing. For me, at least. :)

      • This made me laugh. Thanks for sharing it!

    • Chantelle

      I need to institute this. We’ve been relative newbies to serious no pants rules, as our fun sometimes involves randomly pants-ing the other person. Bonus points if it’s in public. So much fun to be had!

    • Allie

      We have a “pants rule”: NO PANTS IN OUR BED. Pajama pants are acceptable but frowned upon. ;-)

  • Oh my word this is the funniest post I’ve read in forever. Well done Aylssa for bringing some cheer to our fridays. Also, as a 22 year old 5-months-away fiancee, I have received so many comments on how I”m sure to become ‘old and boring’ once I’m married, or how I will be “so mature” compared to all my other friends. And I always think “Huh?” Why does getting married make you boring – it’s possibly the biggest funnest thing I’ll do in a long while. And it so great to hear so many already-wives saying the same thing, so encouraging!

    Also, fun* for us is walking around a big supermarket really slowly looking at all the interesting things we could buy. So from the outside people probably walk past us and think “Oh, they’re just doing their weekly shop.” But we’re not. We don’t even need anything. It’s a date.

    (*Though we do have fun in other ways too.)

    • Rizubunny

      We do this too! We walk around Whole Foods and eat cheese samples. Then we walk around again and pretend we’re encountering the cheese for the first time, and eat more.

      • m

        haha…. the cheese samples at Whole Foods are definitely a highlight for my fiance and I.

    • YES! to grocery store dates. One of my favorite things to do by myself is grocery shopping. I can spend hours in Central Market. I do challenge myself to buy one food I’ve never cooked with on any bigger grocery trip. The most recent new thing was chicken feet. If you want to be with me, I hope you would enjoy grocery shopping too!

  • “I’m free to step out of the bathroom nekkid and say, “I have been cleansed and shorn for you, my lord.” Oh my goodness that is mega funny!! Because it’s totally true. I am not yet married (engaged, together for 4 years, have lived together for 3 years) but sometimes I think….hmm we are getting a bit old and boring (because life with a mortgage and full time jobs is a little different to being a student!). But then the times when my fiancé does a happy dance because Celtic have beat Rangers and dances round the room with one of the cats…..that is when I think ‘Hells yizzle this is the shizz.’.

    • We’ve been known to Corporal Cuddle the cat when she’s especially trying, or attempt Cat Yodeling. (If you have no idea what I’m talking about, the video The Engineer’s Guide To Cats will enlighten you. And possibly make you laugh.) Dancing with the cat is new though. I’ll have to try it.

      • I’m curious to know how the Cat Yodeling went. Is that weird? haha.

        • It fails every time. Not sure if it’s because my cat is not yodelable or if it’s bad technique on my part. Oh well. The Corporal Cuddling is irritating enough to her!

      • Justyna

        Ha! Loved the Engineer’s Guide. Corporate cuddles officially incorporated in our house :-)

        If you like cats, you might also like this comic: The psssts and mrows are part ouf our marriage-in-spe fun.

      • meredythbyrd

        We’ve been known to “ATTACK KITTY!” where one of us is the kitty. It’s so silly. Also, ATTACK CUDDLE! And I usually end up getting tickled until I’m breathless.

      • Madeline

        Yay for that video! I already do the Corporal Cuddle but didn’t have a name for it.

  • Erin

    OH hilarious. Alyssa, this gig was MADE FOR YOU. Oh, and 500 points for the Eternal Sunshine spotlight. Best movie ever.

    I second run-by flashing. Never fails.

    For fun: we watch a lot of the old Dick van Dyke Show from bed, and then laugh hard at ourselves when our arguments start to sound like Rob & Laura’s. We’re also huge enablers of each other’s crazy ideas: if he wants to scout out a house used in a movie, even though it’s in a mega-bucks private community, we put on the cool and cruise in like we own it; if I want to go walk in the woods after a 2-foot snowstorm, we strap on the boots, hike down the highway, and get lost in the white. Not to mention 30’s Hollywood re-creation photo shoots, and my hair-brained idea to buy a tiny sailboat. That we didn’t know how to use. I think that’s a huge key to keeping the fun in our relationship. When one of us gets excited about something — anything — we make it happen for both of us. Why not?

    • abby_wan_kenobi

      The mutual excitement is totally the key. Enthusiasm is definitely contagious. Last month I decided I really wanted to learn to drink (or rather *enjoy*) scotch. So we’re becoming scotch drinkers together :)

      He is a total baseball fanatic and his love of that has gotten me pretty excited to go to minor league games when the weather is nice. We never believed that we should do everything together, but it’s hard to not enjoy something your partner loves.

      • “The mutual excitement is totally the key.” YES! Thank you. What a great summary of this discussion.

    • Margaret

      We watch the Dick Van Dyke show, too! (and then my husband copies Sallie’s voice and start ad-libbing and cracks me up…)

      • Vee

        OMG… I totally mentioned the Dick Van Dyke Show in my comment too! Ha!

  • It was such a revelation to me to discover that my husband has a silly side! I had subconsciously assumed that I would forever have to keep my weirdness hidden except when visiting my sister. But then to find out he can be as silly as me?! Amazing.

    It’s been quite a pressure-filled couple of months for us so the shape of our fun has changed a bit to accommodate two tired and stressed people, but its still there – just looks like whisky and popcorn while watching Friends all evening. I have definitely been guilty of being terrified of becoming a boring married couple that doesn’t have sex, but even in the challenging seasons, there are still moments of fun, and definitely great sex :)

    • Heather G

      Yes!! I could’ve said the same thing about the weirdness reserved for sister only. :)
      I was so glad to learn that I have a guy who appreciates weird humor. In fact the other night the guy and I were video chatting with my sister and we all were cracking up over the same weird joke.

      So, yes to this!

    • “It was such a revelation to me to discover that my husband has a silly side! I had subconsciously assumed that I would forever have to keep my weirdness hidden except when visiting my sister. But then to find out he can be as silly as me?! Amazing.”

      I always assumed, as well, that I would only be 100% myself in front of my sister, so I was a tad shocked at how amazingly silly I can be in front of my FH, and how totally little boy silly he can be, too! Those always make for the best laughs.

  • So glad to see this post! Married life gets such a bad rap. (Isn’t there a movie coming out soon about two guys who get a “marriage free” weekend? Why do they need that?!) If anything, I’m looking forward to more fun and laughter in marriage. There will be stresses and bad times, sure, but as long as my fiance and I can keep making funny noises to each other like it’s our own language, I think we’ll be all right.

  • I was just talking to a friend about this; she’s been married 5+ years and we’ve been married 5+ months. We both agreed that fun is absolutely ESSENTIAL and that no, it does not and SHOULD not disappear after marriage if it’s a part of your relationship! I think my favorite quote from her was in reference to her sister’s troubled marriage: “I really think that they would be having an easier time of it if they just made baby animal voices sometimes.”

    There is so much serious stuff, and heavy stuff, and we promised to deal with that, and we are dealing with that. But we also both (independently!) promised in our vows to continue to be silly, to have fun, to go on adventures. For us, that often means, um, talking like the dog. In the dog voice. Yes, the dog has a voice.

    Keep your fun! Whatever it is, own it. In the words of XKCD, “We’re grownups now, and it’s our turn to decide what that means.”

    • Natalie

      I would just like to say that baby velociraptor noises are my favorite.

      • Kashia

        Let me just say that baby dinosaur noises are a must. Especially when one of us has had a really bad long day and needs cheering up. The conversation usually goes something like this.

        me “Hi love, how was your day?”
        him *insert baby dinosaur noises”
        me “That bad eh? Well d*mn because here I was hoping to seduce
        you now that you’re home.”
        him *smile* “Okay!”

        • Too cute! We ended up making up our own dinosaurs with their own sounds (Poutasaurus, Grumpasaurus, Agitateasaurus, etc). So if one of us is having a down day the other will say, “Are you a Poutasaurus today?” And the Poutasaurus would respond, “Mraaaawww.” And then we’d crack up, and there’d be less pouting.

          Dinosaur noises: a sure fire way to get rid of the grumpies.

      • abby_wan_kenobi

        Hehehehe. Velociraptor. For us this would totally turn into a hilarious bout of one-upsmanship. I’d be all “rawr, I’m a velociraptor” and he’d be like “That’s ridiculous. They sound nothing like that. They sound like rrrrrrROAR!!”. Then I’d be like, “No. You know nothing. I spent all Saturday watching a documentary on prehistoric roars and velociraptors say ‘rawr'” He’d then go off about how he spent 7 years on a archeological dig studying the anatomy of fossilized velociraptor throats and was awarded a Nobel Prize for this groundbreaking research in velociraptor vocalization and language. And so on until one of us cracks and we die laughing because we’re so *clever*.

    • Dev

      Sputnik, our cat, also has a voice. She also curses like a sailor. We can crack each other up all day long with the Sputnik voice.

      It also comes in handy when we’re behind on housework- one of us can say “hey jerk-os, ever think about cleaning up the house?” in the cat’s voice. It brings up the fact that we need to clean without being negative or blaming each other.

      • Dana

        I love the cat telling you to clean the house!

        This is such a great idea!

      • I really like that your cat’s name is Sputnik. And that she is a cursing cat.

      • EratHora

        Yes! We blame a lot of things on the dog, too. It’s a similar way of saying that something needs to be done without blaming.
        “Gosh, Ned, you were home all day, and you couldn’t even sweep! Come on. ”
        “But, mom, I’m tired and I work really hard to protect the house.”
        “You might want to think about doing it soon. Our den is kind of gross.”
        Then we look at each other and laugh.

    • abby_wan_kenobi

      Do Joe Pesci impressions count as voices? Because our house is constantly filled with them. Actually, there are a lot of scenes from gangster movies spontaneously recreated in our living room. Oh you think that’s funny, I’m funny to you? I’m funny how, I mean funny like I’m a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you?

    • I love XKCD, and that one is a favorite. And it's TRUE! We talk so much about choice here, when it comes to women's choices, but this is another case of that. We are grownups, we are living our lives, and we get to decide what "married" means. We're reclaiming wife, marriage, ALL of it. So make goofy faces.

    • Morgan

      I bought a signed print of that comic and framed it and gave it to David for Christmas one year. I love it.

      (My friend loved it so much she built a ball pit in her spare room. Seriously.)

    • Valerie

      We used that comic on our wedding site, along with XKCD-esque stick figure drawings of ourselves. We have the XKCD Loves the Discovery Channel print and have fun arguing about Wikipedia’s list of common misconceptions <3

    • Our dogs have voices too! :P Plus my fiancee/husband (long story) has a myriad of accents that he does quite well and sometimes when things are low he busts out one of them and it breaks the tension. Hooray for funny voices of all kinds :)

      • beth

        my husband does this with our jack russell mix– british accent. he even jokes about writing a children’s book one day featuring our dog. I think he should do it!

        • Ali

          We have a jack russell terrier as well, and he’s the light of our life. We both pretend to have conversations with him when he’s not even with us. We mimic comedian Brian Regan’s voice when we’re “quoting” our dog, and he’s a hilarious dog, if I do say so myself :)

          • Ha, Brian Regan would do SUCH good dog voices!! “Take…luck!”

    • Ball pit! Another great and apt xkcd is the blanket fort. “I won’t pretend fun things aren’t still fun out of looking silly.” Especially when it involves your SO curled up nekkid, and no one else around.

  • Maureen

    “Things that you don’t think about and conversations that don’t faze you, but if someone suddenly opened a window into your life and peeked in, they’d be flabbergasted and possibly appalled. You develop strange inside jokes that are unexplainable.”

    This is so us! We always joke about what people would think if they could see how we behave alone. Being wierd and crazy is the most fun!

  • Ann

    One of the most fun things we have done recently: about 2 weeks before our wedding (we just got married 3 weeks ago) I was moving some of my belongings into our new apartment where A. had already moved in, and we had dinner together, sitting on the couch. I don’t know how it happened or why, but whilst eating green beans, one of us spit one at the other (this works really well, with the shape of green beans, you can really shoot them. if you were wondering.) and suddenly we were shooting them across the room, trying to catch them in our mouths, etc. It was then I knew for sure that married life was going to be awesomely and hilariously fun. And I’ll probably be finding green beans behind the couch for a while.

    • I once threw vegetables at the FH, it was the best time ever…we were on the floor laughing! Food fights are the best. Ha!

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  • Cody

    Oh, shoot yes. This post is a WINNER. If there was a window into our relationship most of the time, people would judge us so hard. We also indulge in the baby animal voices, the dancing. I have realized only in being married how I’m completely unsexy I am, and everytime I try to do something sexy, I end up running into our desk or falling over… My hubby still thinks I’m hot though, and hilarious. Which, is there anything better than knowing you make your husband laugh? It’s my favorite.

  • AAHHHH. ALYSSA. you keeeeel me. hilarious. and of course you should link to the boob cake post hello. nobody should have to go through life without having read that.

    yes. fun! great topic this week. we definitely need more messages counteracting that defeatist attitude that married life gets dull. I think it’s a really great point that my fun is not your fun, and sometimes a snapshot of an old married couple doing something seemingly boring isn’t the whole picture of their life. I need to keep reminding myself of that.

    marrying possibly the goofiest man alive really helps. sometimes we just sit on the couch and make a series of crazy faces at each other, each trying to out-goof the other until the only faces we can manage are laughing ones. we play cribbage and watch a lot of america’s funniest home videos! cooking together is always fun (especially with that VS apron whaaat), and then long walks with the dog, date nights at new restaurants, etc. We have goals to travel more, when we’re back to 2 incomes, but for now we just try to be creative with our limited funds. when spring finally gets heeeere, we’ll be able to do more outdoorsy type stuff like hiking.

  • Thank god people cannot peek in and view the absurdity going on in our house. And thank god there is a ton of absurdity.

  • Mattingly

    this is a fantastic post… made me grin quite ridiculously, so thanks. i have a couple of friends who aren’t married and when i describe my life to them (i only work part time and thus spend lots of time on my own when J is working full time, etc) they seem to think that somehow i need consoling or entertainment. but then i’m like, hey. i love to read. i love to watch movies, AND i have a husband who comes home every night, and we LIVE TOGETHER. i’m not alone, and just cause snuggling on the couch watching old bbc mysteries on youtube (lord peter wimsey anyone?) isn’t your cup of tea doesn’t mean we aren’t having a blast!

    so yeah. three cheers for not judging your happiness by someone else’s ideas, and finding the little things that make you happy!

    • Jen

      I love to knit and there was a period where I felt like we were getting to be this old couple where he reads and I knit and the cat sat in our laps and OH MY GOD we’re SO BORING!

      But you know what? We’re not sitting in silence stewing in our boringness..we’re talking, laughing, dreaming, enjoying each others company. And hello? That’s fun and makes us happy! And you know..if that also happens to be a no pants zone…well that’s fun too :)

      So yes! No judging your happiness by someone else’s ideas!

      • Plus, knitting is effing awesome. Are you on Ravelry?

        • Jen

          that I am – although I’m just working on getting photos of things up there. I’m “knimblefingers”

    • abby_wan_kenobi

      I’m so with you on the not needing consolation. Husband and I are doing the long-distance thing right now so we’re only together on weekends. When people find this out they’re all “Oh you poor thing all alone! What do you do with yourself?!?!” I’m always thinking, well pretty much the same things I did when I was single which are also a lot of the same things I do when my husband is with me.

      Getting married hasn’t turned me into a child in need of constant care and entertainment. I can still pass a very pleasant afternoon sipping hot tea and devouring a book. And the days when my husband can join me and read his own book on the opposite end of the couch? So much the sweeter.

  • Mallory

    “There’s nothing wrong with being strange with each other. The best part of coupling up is that you can truly be yourself.”

    YES! I love being weird with my fiance. I once told one of my good lady friends that the thing that truly made me love him was the freedom we had in our relationship to construct alternate dialogues and conversations that don’t really gel with those found in regular society, i.e. we are just really weird(ly honest) together.

  • Margaret

    “HUH? You’re butter made?”

    LOLOL!! This was hilarious, Alyssa!

    I totally agree – some of my favorite times/memories are just us, doing weird, goofy, unplanned sh*t (strip scrabble, riding grocery carts in the parking lot, competitive table-clearing, drawing stick figure portraits, etc).

    One awesome thing we’ve been doing lately (thanks to reading it on… someone else’s blog, don’t remember who) is a “no technology” night. Otherwise, we do sometimes get sucked in by our laptops and PS3, and even though that can be lovely and companionable sitting side by side and surfing the ‘net, I was noticing that we were just doing it *too much* lately (probably also because it’s cold and snowy out).

    And this might sound cliche/women’s magazine-type-advice, but for me, it’s also important to every once in a while pull out some tight dress and frilly lingerie. Even if we’re not leaving our apt… Just to remind myself that, while my husband loves me no matter what and tells me I’m cute in sweatpants (though I can never quite believe him), I’m still the same flirty girl I was when I met him 6 yrs ago.

    Now as far as keeping marriage/sex fun after kids – I have NO idea how this works and am frankly kind of baffled by how couples do that… (kids aren’t in our future, though, so maybe that’s why I’m so mystified?)

    • I would LOVE a no technology night, for that very same reason. For all of the easyness that being in the same room with a zillion devices can hold, it’s also nice to put everything down and say, hey, you. POKE. Let’s have some face-to-face time. Unfortunately for me, when my husband isn’t working, he always has to be reachable, which leads to phone calls and texts whenever.

      We went skiing last year and just happened to have shitty reception. (And by shitty, I mean nonexistent.) It was THE BEST.

    • I wonder if there is someone out there with kids who might be able to do a post on keeping marriage fun? I would certainly be interested in hearing about that!

      • We’ve only had a kid added to our mix for 6 months, so I’m not an expert on having fun while being a parent, but. What we’ve found is it’s largely the same as y’all are talking about here, but sometimes with modifications. I think big-picture it’s like other APW topics: if you make it (whether “it” is beautiful wedding flowers or silly fun with your partner or writing a book or being butter made parents) a priority, you’ll find a way to make it work. [And then I wrote much, much more and realized, “Hey! I–yep, little ol’ me–can write and submit a post. Now in progress….]

        Something specific I recently ran across on another blog (can’t remember which) was buying bathtub crayons & using them in your shower. I got that for us as a Valentines Day gift, and it is a genius idea! It is the nicest thing to take a shower & start off your day literally surrounded by loving, positive thoughts. And stick figures with bewbs.

        • I like the crayon shower drawings and notes idea. :) And I certainly look forward to hearing more from you about your experience. What you say does make sense though- if a couple makes it a priority, they can keep things fun. But I am just wondering how hard that might be to keep that a priority once kid(s) come along and am hoping to hear some wise things from other women before we get to that stage. :)

          • anna

            I’ve been scanning the comments looking for someone talking about this from a post-kid perspective. We have a tiny flat, stressful lives, a 2.5 year old & no babysitter. It’s a rough patch. We are too exhausted to make the changes we need to make to bring “fun” back in, I think.

        • Jlaneday

          not to mention dry erase board markers on the mirror…just sayin…

  • Laura

    YES to this post! The Hubcaps and I are such glorious dorks. When we’re listening to the radio, we love to swap out the lyrics for other rhyming words. This morning, he turned Nine Inch Nails’ “The Perfect Drug” into “The Perfect Pug,” and this turned a bleary-eyed Friday morning into fun and hilariousness.

    • CAMinSD

      So great! I love to serenade my bf with pop songs about our cat. “Kitten in beeeeeeedddd… is sitting on me…..cheek to cheek.”

      Up with fun!

      • Laura

        Ah, you’re cat people too! We had a great song a while back about one of our cats (sung to the tune of “Iron Man,” naturally…). Love it!

      • This cracked me up! I do the same thing with feeding my baby. I’m sure you’ve heard of my work: Zu-Zu-Chinio? Yogurt Face? Yep, I wrote those! Sigh.

        Hooray for finding a guy who can handle/join in with my dorky tendencies!

  • I think it all depends on what is fun to you. I have married friends who are always out and about doing things, but my husband and I are happier staying home more, and always have been. Does that mean other people don’t find us fun? Maybe, but I have more fun making dinner, or watching a movie we’ve seen a thousand times, or walking the dogs with my husband than almost anything else. And that is why I married him, and not one of the other hundred people I know. At the end of the day, that is absolutely all I care about.

  • Emma O

    THIS is an incredible post. Really. The content, the writing, the humor, and the comments. Package deal!

    I used to be afraid of that silent cafe couple complex also, but I now know it’s not always an unhappy scene. We’ve had many a delicious meal, paper read and people watch without exchanging that many words. To each their own fun!

  • Amy

    My husband and I wrote into our vows that we would promise to “laugh until we cry and cry until we laugh,” because we believe that laughter is so important. We have a LOT of fun together. In fact just this past weekend we went to New York, just the two of us, with no plans except for dinner reservations. It was wonderful! We also volunteer together, which gives us a sense of purpose, community and something to talk about outside of our jobs or friends. Sometimes we come up with songs (he plays the guitar and I sing and play the percussion), and record them…some are covers of real songs, and some are ridiculous made up songs like “Don’t Cat, Don’t Tell” a song featuring our cat about a cat that can’t join the military because it’s a cat. We recorded it in honor of the repeal of the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy!

    • “Don’t Cat, Don’t Tell” sounds like the greatest song ever.

    • Shelly

      My husband has lots of goofy nicknames for me and uses them to replace words in songs that he sings to me. It makes no sense, and he can barely carry a tune, but it never fails to crack us both up.

  • Oh Alyssa, this whole post just made me laugh so much.

    “Now I realize that when you’re married (or even in a long-term relationship) and you spend LOADS of time with each other…you do weird crap. Things that you don’t think about and conversations that don’t faze you, but if someone suddenly opened a window into your life and peeked in, they’d be flabbergasted and possibly appalled.”

    YES. EXACTLY. The weird comes out after you’ve been cohabiting for a while. And when it does… it’s such a relief to know you married someone as strange as you.

    I think our idea of fun has definitely evolved over the almost six years we’ve been together, and I know some of our friends think we’re the boring, married couple. And that’s okay, I’m alright with them thinking that. Our fun is just different from their fun these days.

    • Jillian

      Yes to all of this.

      When you start living with another person, you will very quickly realize that all that really weird stuff you could do when you lived alone is really difficult to hide when you are co-habitating. And also, being weirdos together makes you closer.

  • I think the best thing about being married is that I can be my usual silly self with no fear. We do comment that we are becoming a boring old couple, but at the same time I can be incredibly silly without thinking. I can’t help it, I was raised by circus clowns (I’m completely serious).
    I think at times Hubby thinks I’m crazy, but he also says it’s one of the things that he first loved about me. He comes from a very serious family and being free to be silly is liberating for him I think.

    • A-L

      Totally unrelated, but I think it’s totally cool that you were raised by circus clowns.

  • Best post ever – I needed this today as I was having a serious case of the grumps this morning brought on by being annoyed with the hubby. It reminded me of how much fun we have together. We frequently engage in tickle fights, pantsing each other, sending naughty IM messages to each other while sitting in the same room that then turn into really random and oddball messages. (The first day we really hung out our texting conversation included having minions, Thunderdome, Rollerball and a number of other oddities).

    While some things may change with marriage, the fun doesn’t have to stop. Any time you think it’s getting boring – switch it up! Do something spontaneous and crazy… or think back to when you first started dating – what was awesome about it? Relive it.

    And nude run-bys. Always a good thing.

  • Jess

    Can I just say that this line made me pee myself from laughing so hard?

    “I have been cleansed and shorn for you, my lord. Feel free to do to my person what you will, just remember, I am but a maid.”

    I am SO doing that next time I get out of the shower! You so funny, Alyssa. :)

  • I’m sitting here in my cubicle, and laughing almost uncontrollably AND silently (really effing hard, I dare you to try it) at your vignette about being cleansed and shorn for your lord. Effing HILARIOUS. I love married life.

    My husband and I have been together since high school, and we have the most ridiculous inside jokes and weird quirky habits. We quote random, RANDOM movies to one another, we sing showtunes and classic rock, we dance around the kitchen, we listen to NPR constantly… If someone, even someone who knew us well, saw our marriage the way we do, it would look ridiculous. We are total weirdos. But it works for us. That just-us-weirdos camaraderie is part of love.

    Marriage is awesome. It’s weird, and it’s complicated, but it’s awesome. Our sex has gotten BETTER. It might have something to do with the week I spent relaxing on the beach (when I’m stressed, sex ironically becomes less of a priority, even though it would totally help de-stress me), or maybe something else, but it’s awesome. We have forever together, so we’re in no rush to do it all or be sexy all the time; we relax into a natural rhythm that works for us, which makes sex amazing. Communication is huge, and trusting one another is big, too. For us, marriage helps both of those.

  • Morgan

    David and I are both homebodies, and given half a chance, we spent our evenings in the basement, hanging out, watching shows and playing video games and being silly.


    We’ve been married almost a year now, and we were starting to become too complacent. Home is great – home is best – but I was starting to feel boring. So. We signed up for an oil painting class, and joined his coworker’s dodgeball team. That, plus season’s NHL tickets mean we’re out of the house 2-3 evenings a week, and that means that the nights at home are so much more enjoyable – they feel like a treat. And I feel like my world is a little more fun. Not that we weren’t having fun – we do have fun at home. It’s just that having fun outside the home helps us have more fun inside. And even more things to talk about.

    Also, it’s so fun to watch your partner be awesome. My colourblind husband is an astoundingly good painter, as it turns out. Standing at an easel in class and admiring each other’s work is a pretty loving feeling.

    Celebrating another dodgeball win, or good out, or nice dodge is pretty great too.

    I don’t think it matters what we do, I’m just happy we’re doing stuff…

    • “It’s just that having fun outside the home helps us have more fun inside.”

      I so agree with this! The every day fun is great and so important, but getting out of the house and just doing something is so healthy for us – whether it’s going somewhere we love for dinner, going to the flea market or walking around out city… we took up rock climbing last year and it’s so fun to do something completely different than normal together.

      • Jo

        We took ballroom dance classes through the local city rec program, and LOVED it. We were terrible, but SO MUCH GIGGLING while we were being terrible. :) And when you’re in each others arms dancing, you kind of end up really focusing on each other. Which is something that occasionally gets forgotten once you get used to seeing each other all the dang time.

  • I think we have actually had more fun since we’ve been married. The most important part of our relationship? Impromptu dance parties and karaoke sessions in the kitchen or as one of us gets out of the shower (though I might have to use that line now!). I would never have sung in front of him before (give me a choir, no sweat, but solo? Hell no.) but now we are so comfortable with each other we can belt 80’s synth pop hits all we want.

    We have also forged a creative partnership based around fun. I’ve always loved hosting people and my husband is crazy creative so during the first two years we lived in an apartment that was perfect for hosting parties – our living room had been a (small) ballroom complete with already scratched wood floors. We hosted elaborate theme parties and had just as much fun planning and decorating as we did hosting.

    Now that I’m pregnant and we have carpet those kind of parties are harder to do, but now we have funneled both of our creative energies into helping him get his art career off the ground. Recently that meant while he produced art for a show with the theme “Sweet Revenge” I made arty farty baked goods and we both teamed up to make razor blade lollipops – definitely a two person job.

    Don’t worry we made people sign a waiver that they understood it was art and not food – though the proceeds were our first deposit into our kids college fund.

  • Ha, my wife and I act like weirdos all the time when we’re alone, so I love this:

    “Now I realize that when you’re married (or even in a long-term relationship) and you spend LOADS of time with each other…you do weird crap. Things that you don’t think about and conversations that don’t faze you, but if someone suddenly opened a window into your life and peeked in, they’d be flabbergasted and possibly appalled.”

    We have on occasion asked ourselves, “Do you think other couples are this weird when they’re alone?” I am so, so glad to hear that indeed, (at least some) other couples are!

    • abby_wan_kenobi

      We’ve been known to ask “Do you think other couples are as awesome as we are?” but that’s just code for “Could anyone besides us possibly be this dorky?” We love our dorkiness though, so it’s awesome to us :)

  • Erin

    Our house is absolutely littered with nerf guns and darts. An attack can come at any moment. It’s awesome.

    • Sylvia

      Same for us… Only its a pair of spud-guns that live on the key hook…

    • We registered for super soakers for our wedding, but nobody got them for us. :(

  • Jillian

    This post and many of the comments are ridiculous, hilarious pieces of awesome.
    I want to exactly this statement a zillion times: “but if someone suddenly opened a window into your life and peeked in, they’d be flabbergasted and possibly appalled. You develop strange inside jokes that are unexplainable.”

    When either my fiance or I are in need of a laugh, we usually take turns impersonating our cat and coming up with ridiculous things for her to “verbalize” aloud. Our cat, as it happens, has a horrific potty mouth and is a terible human being.

  • Lauren B

    If you had to lable us I guess we would be “Scenester kids grown up” as in we were the mosh-pit kids. Hipsters if you will.

    Last night we went to a concert… I had to work late so my man got to the show at 7 when the doors opened not to get us a good place up front but to get us actual SEATS…. GREAT seats. It was awesome. For a brief minute I thought about how lame we are now… But you what? My ears aren’t ringing today, I’m not injured, and we got to hold hands all night. It was fun! WE are fun… Just older.

  • LBD

    I just wrote a big long comment and somehow pressed the wrong thing and it went away. Arrgh! I have no idea. I’m just a spastic typist.

    Anyways. My boy and I have been together a long time, and we’ve scertainly developed some weird habits that our friends find strange. Particularly our play-fighting, both physical (generally I try to beat him up and fail utterly and it devolves into tickle fights) and our love of coming up with the most ridiculous and disgusting and offensive names we can for each other. I love cussing, I blame my evangelical upbringing. People who haven’t been our friends as long get all concerned sometimes. We’re all, no, no, we’re not serious, we swear.

    Also, I also always used to worry about being one of those couples in the restaurant not talking to each other. 11 years later, I’ve learned how NICE it is to feel so comfortable with a person, that I feel okay with just silently enjoying my boy’s company. I’m one of those people who has this need to fill silences, because I feel uncomfortable with silence. My boy is one of the few people I don’t feel that pressure with now. So yeah, I’m all about the comfortable joy of just quietly enjoying being in each other’s presence. Sometimes we’ve got a billion things to say, sometimes we don’t, and that’s perfectly fine and okay.

    • Vee

      THIS THIS THIS on the silence. Sometimes when my husband and I go out to eat, I realize we’re being pretty quiet. But the fact is, we’ve just been in the car together for how long? We’ve been hanging out all day. Maybe we’ve said all that needs to be said, and that’s ok. Because silence with the person you love feels pretty comfortable, too. It’s not seething, why-am-I-here silence. It’s peaceful, damn-this-bruschetta-is-good-and-I’m-stuffing-my-face silence. =)

  • Amanda

    I am having so much fun reading this post and all the awesome comments and cracking up! Can I just tell you what an awesome feeling it is to meet another couple to hang out with that enjoys being around each other and get along and have fun together as much as ourselves?! Its such a breath of fresh air!! it SUCKS planning something with your friends and they bicker or just have this wierd vibe or tension between them the whole time. And then you come across a couple that gets along and have fun and love each other and its like YES!!!! You guys all rock. Lets hang out :))

  • Vee

    I’m only eight-ish months into marriage, but so far, everything that was fun before is still fun. I don’t think it’s marriage that changes relationships, but the added responsibilities that come with the progression of life can make fun look different.

    We used to have fun going out and getting drunk with our friends at the local bar. Now, we have more fun playing on the Playstation: bocce ball on the Move or playing 19 holes of Tiger Woods Golf (with the added rule that each hole you lose is a piece of clothing you also lose… and you guess where the 19th hole is… ahem). We also like going out to eat new places or just driving around on beautiful days taking pictures of the mountains.

    As we start taking on the added responsibility of looking for a home to buy, we’ve had to change our concepts a little bit because we’re trying to save money. So we don’t go out as often and we also have begun to really enjoy walking around Lowe’s or driving around town seeing what houses are for sale. So yeah, what your fun looks like will always change, but as long as YOU’RE HAVING FUN, that’s what matters – not if the couple across the street thinks it looks like fun or if your single friends think it sounds totally boring (hello falling asleep on the couch at 9:30 at night after watching a couple Dick Van Dyke Show episodes on Netflix…).

    Marriage isn’t always fun, but there’s nothing about marriage that precludes fun. :) The bottom line is, my husband makes me laugh from the belly. Big loud guffaws that I’d be embarrassed to let free in public. I bet your partner does the same for you, or you wouldn’t be hitching yourself to him/her for the rest of your life.

  • Jo

    The best thing about my hubs swearing that marriage wouldn’t change anything is that I never feared losing the fun. Ok, maybe I did, but not much. Presumably the reason you want to have very serious times (like a wedding) with your SO is because you have so much fun together. And you want it to last forever. And as long as you keep being you, you will. Not that the tips here aren’t awesome. We’ve been together 7 years now (married for 1.3), and the fun definitely has continued, because we’re free with one another.

    And Oh my god, Alyssa, that’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all year.
    “I have been cleansed and shorn for you, my lord. Feel free to do to my person what you will, just remember, I am but a maid.”
    I can’t even hold in the laughter.

    While I like the idea of this advice: “Regardless, sit down and make yourself a list of what’s fun for you both.” not everyone loves making lists. But the point is, remind yourself (or yourselves) what you have the most fun doing, and DO IT. Often. And discover new things you enjoy, and do them. Often. Like making up songs about the cat while we’re in the shower together and using each other’s bodies as drums.
    What? Who said that?

  • McPants

    This whole post is making me grin like a madwoman. It’s so true, too. We tend to insert monkeys into any song we hear, and start rhyming like Andre the Giant in the Princess Bride. Also, saying really horrible/cheesy phrases to each other and trying to keep completely deadpan.

    I think it’s gonna have to go into our vows that we promise to keep being silly.

    • abby_wan_kenobi

      … and also to live someplace hilly?

      • Kendra

        …as long as it’s not too chilly?

    • I’ve just started seeing a new guy (I’m one of those “not-marrieds” who loves apw anyways, because it’s one of the best things on the internet), and I just went to visit him and see his hometown for the first time. It was technically the second time we’ve ever met in person, but he’s so comfortable in his own skin that he was totally unafraid to bust out: science geekery, random accents, and air-tea-parties. I kept thinking to myself “here’s a guy I really, really like”. I hope whoever I end up with ‘for life’ can have that same sense of comfortability and silliness.

  • OMG BOOB CAKE. I had to take a detour in the middle of reading this and go and read about boob cake. UH-mazing.

    We go on adventures. Just this past weekend we decided to ride our tandem bike 85 miles north from SF and stay at an inn and eat crazy dinner because we just rode our bike 85 miles into a damn headwind (and we rode really hard those last 10 miles because it was getting dark and starting to rain). And then we were so damn tired we couldn’t make it back and had to stop at a town halfway down and hitch a ride in a pick-up truck because tandem bikes don’t fit on those racks they have on the bus, and he sat in the back with the bike and the mimosa that our generous ride-givers had just picked along the coast, and I sat in front and chatted with the two women who were new to, and visiting, the area themselves, respectively. So that was our latest fun.

    Over Christmas, we were in the Boston area, which got a crazy snow storm while we were there (and about 23 times since, but I digress) and A. and I went sledding in the middle of the night. Walking back from the sledding hill, I yelled “YETI!” and shoved him into the snow. Ever since, we do this a lot, generally tackling each other onto the bed and then collapsing in fits of laughter.

    Maybe every married/long-term couple is secretly 9 years old.

  • “But now? Now I realize that when you’re married (or even in a long-term relationship) and you spend LOADS of time with each other…you do weird crap.”

    So true! We’re often really silly together. Things we’ve done? I’ll run into the room in my hooded monster towel, jump on top of him growling, then run off again. (Thus displacing things like the X-Box controller, cat and sketch books.) Or we’ll monster stomp (quietly) down the hall. Strange and silly things happen a lot. We totally embrace them.

    • Bee

      I want a monster towel!

      weird crap?
      we have a rubber-ish scream mask that makes appearances on a daily basis.
      usually when I get in bed after my husband. best thing ever.

  • comments about dancing around the kitchen reminded me of this—last week we had to do a whole bunch of laundry at the laundromat. a couple hours in, one of the dryers was making some rhythmic clunking noises that happened to be in roughly 3/4 time. so, of course, we started waltzing. :)

  • I’m only one month into marriage so I’m no expert. I love reading everyone’s suggestions for those rainy days when we need a little fun! For us, fun ranges from snuggling on the couch watching a favorite movie to all-out silliness with laugh attacks. Anytime we’re down & needing some sunshine, we need to look no further than our sweet beagle. You just can’t walk or play with this goofy dog without smiling & laughing :-)

  • In an effort to bring more fun into our marriage, my husband bought us Magic The Gathering and the World Of Warcraft card game this week. Lord help me. <3

    • Jo

      OH. My. GOD! C actually wrote a card counting app for Magic! He has about fifty decks. It’s sort of ludicrous.

      Our nerdy fun? We have a SERVER for Minecraft that we compete on and play with our friends.

      • Kess

        Heck yes for Minecraft! We do the same, although my FH just got me hooked on it :)

  • * Mid-morning dance parties in the kitchen.
    * Bump and grinding with the broom when we’re cleaning.
    * Playing weird dork games– Carcasonne anyone?
    * Doing terrible accents, or talking to each other in only opera voices.
    Playing house can be so much fun!
    And I think hanging out with people other than each other, both separately and together, helps us stay fun.

    • We have a Bad Eastern European accent that we use far too often. It’s really bad. But it cracks us both up. And heck yeah for geek games! We’re actually trekking down to PAX East (game con) in a couple of weeks.

      • OOOh awesome! I’ve never made it to a gaming convention with my husband, but he goes to Gen Con every year in indy. Maybe I’ll join in next year!

  • liz

    marriage is weird. because it changes SOMETHING. but without changing anything. i can’t explain. but josh and i, as a couple, haven’t changed. our chemistry, our sense of humor, our ability to have fun, our attractedness to one another (which, i’ll admit, waned during pregnancy- on my end) hasn’t changed in the slightest. because who we are as a couple hasn’t changed, we have fun together buying groceries (seriously. today we did just that.)

    we’re only 1 and 1/2 years in, but so far. marriage is fun.

    • liz

      and alyssa? cleansed and shorn?! TMI, lady.

    • Liz, I was just thinking about you today and wondering how you guys were doing….

    • We have fun grocery shopping as well. When we go to the big box store we each try to guess how much we’re spending. I am also always on the quest to write “the perfect shopping list” in which every item on it is in the order we come across it in the store. I’ve only managed to do it once, but it was a moment worth celebrating.

  • oh man, alyssa, you are a genius. you know i agree with this 100%. i have friends who have just gotten married and they’re all, “oh boy! all domesticated now! i have dinner on the table every night and we fight like we’ve been married for years! golly mah, isn’t marriage great?!” i feel like there is this outstanding pressure (“pu-pushin’ down on me”) to conform to the way we feel we’re supposed to act…i’m in a new job after graduating in december and i’m EXACTLY the same way i was in school. i’m professional, keeping my nose to the grindstone of work, but also not wearing suits and saying the word “schedule” and over-harrying myself over things. the same thing happened in college, some kids were just always stereotypically FREAKING out about exams and the like because they knew they were supposed to be…there’s no reason for that.

    marriage doesn’t HAVE to mean you “grow up” instantaneously and, honestly, I believe it’ll hurt your relationship if you try to forcefully morph your relationship into something it’s not after marriage. if you’re the kind of couple who likes to get a keg or eat TV dins all the time, don’t think you have to bust out the wine (let it BREATHE) and cheese and four-course dinner on the wedding China is what I’m saying…a HIMYM episode comes to mind…

  • Rachel Mc

    I TOTALLY made my boyfriend a boob cake (and boob cupcakes!) for his brother’s bachelor party! Once the guys at the party found out, they kept telling him, “Marry boob cake girl.” Can’t wait to read your blog!

  • This post and all of the comments make me smile. I hope all the wedding undergrads are paying attention, b/c all of the fun detailed here? SUCH a good thing to keep in your head when people are negative about marriage or you witness some married people’s bad behavior.

    My husband is serving a year-long deployment overseas, so our first year of marriage is non-standard. BUT, we had 2 years of silliness and dancing around the apartment before he left. And even now, we can make each other snort with laughter through the computer screen at a distance of 6,000 miles. So yay for silliness and fun in marriage and long may they conquer the sad, bad times! :)

  • lani

    This has nothing to do with married sexy-time. At all.
    We love going to bed. We don’t make our bed in the morning so that when it comes time to go to bed (and sleep), the first one in gets to have the bed made on top of him or her. That person can lay anyway they want. The “bed maker” makes the sheet billow in the air and tries to land it perfectly or just nice and flat on top of the other person. Then the two other blankets too, but the thin sheet is the most fun.
    That’s married fun for you!

  • I loved this part –
    “Now I realize that when you’re married (or even in a long-term relationship) and you spend LOADS of time with each other…you do weird crap. Things that you don’t think about and conversations that don’t faze you, but if someone suddenly opened a window into your life and peeked in, they’d be flabbergasted and possibly appalled. You develop strange inside jokes that are unexplainable.”

    Because most of the fun things that we do would seem real weird if we were to ever tell anyone about them. There are times when we laugh or give each other a look and know that people would be flabbergasted if they knew what we were really thinking. We might appear calm and normal to everyone else, but we’re definitely having a lot of fun.

  • Kathryn in VT

    I have to say, I love APW Friday posts — but I love the comments even more! Reading through these, and seeing what small, silly, delightful, peculiar things we all do with our partners is so inspiring. Yet another reminder in this crazy wedding planning process that the hard part is over: I’ve found (like so many of you!) the person with whom I want to spend my life, and that is so much more important — not to mention FUN – than a single day on a single year of our lives. How lucky we all are!

  • Cassandra

    Favourite post ever, hands-down.

    We were talking about this not long ago, about wanting to make sure things stay fun especially when things get harder (long distance, puke). But I’m not terribly worried. We dance around in our five feet of kitchen space, he humours my love of the Quebecois accent by saying hilarious and dirty things (and teaching them to me… so not what I should be learning for dinners with his grandparents…), he plays ragtime on his piano and makes me do a stupid dance, we break into 80s dance hits in the shower… and I spend a substantial amount of my time wandering around naked, especially when he’s working or reading or practicing on the piano. We spent 5 hours one day geeking out over genealogy records. And we are both super guilty of spontaneously humping each other way too enthusiastically (and we refer to it with the French word that you’d use for a dog humping something, which makes it even better). It ends up seeming like everything we do together is a great time, even if it’s totally the most boring thing ever to other people. We’re always stopping in the middle of peals of laughter during a tickle attack at 2am and saying “What the hell must the neighbours think?” Probably means we’re doing something right.

    • I find it oddly hilarious that, posting under the same name as you (since it IS mine, too, after all), I also referenced wandering around naked a substantial amount of the time. (People might think one of us was posting twice! lol)

      I wonder if the name really is an influence?

  • Anon

    A point – the sex is better. Post marriage is way better. It’s less frequent, mostly due to work, but it is so much more intense.

  • Jo

    You guys. Are. Hilarious.

  • Alia

    This post made me laugh out loud! It’s awesome to read about all of the things other people do to keep the fun in their relationships. One of the things I love about my marriage is the way my husband, who comes off as pretty serious and logical most of the time, can be totally silly and goofy with me. When we’re in the car together, he’ll spontaneously make up his own lyrics to whatever song is on the radio, which are invariably ridiculous and always make me laugh. He also does this thing where he starts talking in what I call a muppet voice, which never fails to make me laugh, too. :)

  • This post is so awesome! And the comments definitely make me feel like Jason and I aren’t weirdos because we do so much stupid stuff together. A few favorites:
    -making blanket forts in our living room
    -playing hide and seek within the confines of our bed
    -playing rpgs together on the computer

    One of the things I love most about marriage so far are the nights when we are having so much fun talking and laughing in bed that we stay up waaaaay past our bedtime. The tiredness the next morning is totally worth it.

  • Desiree

    Love this post and all the responses! I can’t stop giggling!
    My husband and I have been married for 6 months. It has been a hard 6 months due to health related issues, but we still keep the fun alive with date nights and our constant twisted sense of humor.
    My husband, Tony, is a disabled veteran and amputee. Our twisted sense of humor is usually banter that many outsiders would see as being mean to one another. I call my husband a one legged freak (he calls me a two legged freak) and we have many jokes about his “nub” and some of his (numerous) legs. Many of these jokes have blatant sexual overtones, particularly regarding his wooden peg leg.
    Our current idea of fun is not our usual idea of fun, but we make it work. We both do take our “me” time now and then, but with our current situation it’s not very often.
    I am by no means complaining… What I am getting at is that, even when limited due to circumstances beyond our control, we still have a lot of fun just being together and working with what we have. Right now it’s puzzles, playing the wii, and wound care… When we come out the other side of this it will be back to skiing, camping, and riding our motorcycles.
    I think the biggest part of keeping a marriage or long term relationship fun, it communicating with your partner. Letting them know what you want/need and listening to them. :o)

  • Anon

    Tying this post in with the one about cleaning, but have you ever thought about cleaning the house naked? Just make sure you don’t use harsh chemicals. ;)

  • kyley

    Sometimes sitting in a cafe, not talking, is wonderfully fun. There are quiet moments born out of awkwardness or boredom, and then there are quiet moments born out of total comfort and contentment with one another. I always find the latter really refreshing and fun, in a softer way.

  • Emily

    My husband and I wrestle. I’m an only child, so I never grew up with siblings and I think it is so fun to jump on top of him in my PJ’s on a Sunday morning and get rolled over and pinned and tickled. I love that we can be kids together.

    I just wish I didn’t bruise so easily. It’s starting to look suspicious. haha

  • Alexandra

    Fun. Not married yet, but living together for years, and definitely full of silliness, laughter, and good times. ;-)

  • Howdy! This post could not be written any better!
    Looking at this post reminds me of my previous roommate!

    He continually kept preaching about this. I’ll forward this article to him. Pretty sure he will have a good read. I appreciate you for sharing!

  • Jess

    I’m just about in tears sitting at my desk because my FH and I DONT have this. We just dont get each others sence of humour. I love him heaps though and I keep hoping that we’ll figure each other out but its getting closer to D-day and I just dont know what to do. :( I want nekkid fun but I just cant see him laughing at it. Maybe things will change when we move in together? But is this more risk than its worth?

  • Hmm. Nope, the nudity thing doesn’t work so well (another stereotype debunked!). I have a theory it’s because it’s too commonplace to attract much notice anymore.

    Also, I thought THE EXACT SAME THING with the pillow scene! “Wtf?! What are they DOING?! That’s so WEIRD!!!” Fiance’s brother looks over at me and rattled off essentially the same thought process of other people peeking into your life and thinking the same thing. Snapshots. They don’t really tell you much.

    I’m glad I ran across this post. It’s something I’ve been thinking on lately. Like, really? Just because we’re not laughing or flirting or coursing dopamine through our systems like it’s going out of style doesn’t mean that we’re not having a GOOD time together. Silence can be good, too. (Fun, good… not exactly interchangeable, but the thought process is similar for me these days.)

  • Coming in ages and ages after this was written to comment:

    “But now? Now I realize that when you’re married (or even in a long-term relationship) and you spend LOADS of time with each other…you do weird crap. Things that you don’t think about and conversations that don’t faze you, but if someone suddenly opened a window into your life and peeked in, they’d be flabbergasted and possibly appalled. You develop strange inside jokes that are unexplainable.”

    This! This! Exactly this! My fiance and I have been together since 2008, and we have so many weird little quirks and inside jokes that crack each other up, but would confuse the hell out of everyone else. Some of them are things that I don’t even know how they started. It’s one of the things I love about M.