Q:Hi! I am in a bit of a quandary.
Last year, I was invited to several weddings that were altered or rescheduled. For three of them, I received new save the dates for this spring / summer. However, I am not sure if any of them are actually still planned, although I haven’t received new save the dates that indicate otherwise. I did check the wedding websites of two of the three and they both say that they are being postponed, and then list the most recent date, so it is not clear if the website just hasn’t been updated since the initial postponement, or if the weddings have been postponed again.
My partner and I both qualified to be vaccinated and will be finished by the end of this month so we feel safe attending even though all three would involve moderate amounts of travel.
I don’t live near these couples right now and we don’t chat often, so I am struggling how to check-in and ask. It feels rude to call and catch up just to ask if their wedding is still on, because I am sure it’s a sensitive topic. Do you have any guidance on a kind way to inquire, or should I just sit tight and see how it pans out?
—Unsure
A: Hey Unsure,
As a COVID bride myself (though I dodged the issue of rescheduling, it seems), I thought I could chime in and try to help. Unfortunately, this situation is going to be different depending on the relationship you have with each person / couple, and how soon their wedding is. But I’m going to give you some general thoughts…
If the wedding (or most recently announced date) is soon, like, in the next two months, I would say that it’s completely reasonable to need more information and confirmation—reach out. If going to the wedding will require you to travel and/or have a place to stay lined up—it’s reasonable to reach out. If the date is not for 4-6+ more months, it’s okay to wait it out a bit. The etiquette rule is that wedding invitations (the final say in the plan) get sent out 6-8 weeks before.
My personal (unfortunate) experience has taught me that when you’re the one planning the wedding you might just forget that you haven’t clearly communicated with everyone. At one point, in late 2020, we had a wedding plan that was going to involve 50-ish people, and we had told some of them. Since then, we have adjusted that plan like six times and landed on a much smaller list of people for an elopement-style wedding. I guess we forgot to communicate that clearly to some folks and have landed ourselves with uncomfortable conversations as a result. Honestly, I forget that people can’t just read our minds. I’m not saying that’s what’s happening here, but I want you to know that gently and thoughtfully reaching out to the couple is doing them a solid. They may be caught up in their own stuff and have just forgotten to communicate.
So, by email, text, or phone call… just approach the conversation gently and with an open mind. Things may have changed, or they may be moving forward, but you likely aren’t the only one with questions. I personally prefer texts, and if I were in your shoes I’d send something like: “Hey Julie, how are you holding up? I hope things are going well. I hate to bug you, but wanted to check in and see if you had any updates on wedding plans. No pressure, of course, but I didn’t want to miss out on snagging a hotel room or anything, so I thought I’d check. No rush to text back, just let me know when you can. Hugs!” (Heck, you could even throw in “let me know if you need help with anything!” if you’re up for it.)
Hope that helps. Happy safe, responsible, vaccinated wedding season!
—Alyssa
