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Nicole, on Not Loving Her Wedding

If you can believe it, Nicole emailed me hours BEFORE the post went up about not loving your wedding to say, she’d thought about it, and she really wanted to write her wedding graduate post about how she didn’t love her wedding. Whaaa? Yes. You guys have this truly awe inspiring group brain, and I continue to be amazed at how you ponder similar questions at similar times. Nicole wanted to stress that while she didn’t love her wedding, and has advice to share, and maybe would have made different choices if she could, she had a FUN FUN FUN time at her wedding. As I think you can see. We’re all about complicated here at APW (thank goodness for other complex smart women who make me feel sane). So. I bring you wedding graduate Nicole, with her best advice. I’d say it’s advice for weddings, but I just re-read it, and I’m pretty sure it’s great LIFE advice. Maybe the reason why weddings are such good teachers is that they need to be. They are the gateway to a new adult life, a life as a new family. A new family and a life we have to learn to care for and defend. So. With that. I bring you Nicole:
I’ve wanted to write a graduate post for future brides since I saw the first graduate post. Obviously, the first step was to get married. The next step was to feel something about my wedding that I thought I could share with y’all. And then some brilliant reader wrote in about not loving their wedding, and I realized, that’s where I am.

Let’s just say that I was a reluctant bride. I desperately wanted the courthouse wedding, but was told by many that I would truly regret not having a big party. A part of this many was my husband. Now, I’m naturally a people pleaser, so of course I would plan THE perfect wedding! And so, I followed all of the wedding magazines advices and found niches that I loved, so I wouldn’t go crazy thinking about the cost and time wasted. I spent two weeks in Indiana with my aunt creating my wedding dress. I organized 7 (different) homemade cakes and pies for the weddings, I helped make 1000 cranes for the decorations, yay flags, table runners, and cork place holders. I planned, planned, planned, but my heart wasn’t in it.Despite all that planning, two weeks before the wedding I found myself with important people not speaking to me, my wedding dress missing in the mail, having had two maids of honor walk out, 4 of the 6 groomsmen suit-less, and a pastor who had to step down. We also only had $2.34 in the bank account and had to get down to Texas from Nebraska as well as finishing paying for the wedding.

And that was when I stopped caring. And when I stopped caring, I stopped stressing, and then stuff just happened. Even as I read that sentence, I’m sure you’ll think I’m a bit off my rocker, but I’ve read that same thing from other graduates.

Yes, my wedding dress was MIA, but some friends from my graduate program and from home chipped in and helped me find the most beautiful wedding dress. Everyone ended up with clothes for the wedding. The women who replaced my maids of honor were so much more wonderful then I could have asked for.And, I had fun.
Did I love my wedding? No. I don’t think the stress that I experienced was worth it. It made me crazy, my husband miserable, and my friends worried. Was it a great party? Oh yeah! We had great friends and family there. Would I do it again? Never. Am I glad I got married? Hell yes. The other side rocks.
So, this is what I have for you.

  1. If you’re feeling crazy, drop whatever it is, and remind yourself of why you love your partner, and why you decided to do this in the first place.
  2. If you’re really wanting the courthouse shindig, then do it. Stick to your guns. That is probably the one thing which I regret the most.
  3. If you can’t do the courthouse, try to find one thing that you love for your wedding. I was dead set on writing the ceremony and having 1000 cranes. That is what held me together.
  4. Finally, it’s okay to not like how the wedding ended up, or hate the planning. Or hate both. Now we just need to start a dialogue about it.

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